Let's be DataLounge, The Corporation

I am the Iowa limited liability company certificate.

I'm the glamorously named server hardware referenced above.

I'm Mrs. Patsy Ramsey stopping by to pick up my actual paper paycheck. Since I know longer live in a certain city, I don't have an address I'm comfortable giving out to the homosexuals working at HQ. Nor do I want my banking information out for all the world to see. So I go to the office monthly, wearing a St. John suit that if one looks closely, they might see the faint mark of previous staining. But I don't let anyone get that close.

I'm the desk phones with rotary dials. Pencils are in the storage cabinet.

I'm the break room, with a 6-foot widescreen TV that plays only Golden Girls episodes.

I’m Lorna Luft (the HR rape crisis officer) and I go around asking anyone if they’ve been molested.

Craig in Billing keeps telling me that he hasn’t “unfortunately. “

I'm the muzak version of "Let the River Run", the inspirational Working Gurl anthem piped into the elevators 24/7.

I'm the FedEx guy who gets catcalled and oogled each time I drop off packages. I was assigned this stop after the last 17 guys begged to be assigned another route.

I are the secreted server locational place, in North. ⬆️

I’m the line “I’m right on top of that, Rose!” I’m said every single time a supervisor asks any employee to do anything.

Hi, in North troll.

Oh god, R9, that has me in stitches. I haven’t heard from him in a while thank God.

[quote]I'm all the computer servers named LIZA, JUDY, BARBRA, etc.

OMG! All the shitty IBM System360 servers.

I'm the company's key card. Displays at the closed doors reveal not just the employee's full name, but also whether he's a top or bottom and a Golden Girls or Designing Women fan. Alarm signals go off whenever someone who drains his pasta tries to enter.

I'm Ginny in Accounts Receivable. I know where you fuckers live.

Greg is the berated head chef in the employee dining room. Darfur Orphan is the dishwasher, but is not allowed to eat any meals or even eat leftovers off the cafeteria trays.

r16, now, now, cunt. I'm here to keep you grounded. I actually work in HR and I make your personal issues, work related or private, look very trivial when you come to me for assistance.

I’m the Size Meat Verificatia Department.

I'm the pure joy you are starting with when working at this company, only to be replaced with "Kill Me Now" after a full day of sassy punchlines in the workplace.

[quote] All the shitty IBM System360 servers.

The IBM. It is the future.

I'm the HR dept with outsourced functions because let's face it, HR doesn't need to exist. I'm also the non existent workplace policies surrounding employee relations. If you're verbally harassed, bullied etc you will be fired for not having an adequately witty rebuttal or for breaking down in tears.

Employees are viciously slapped regularly to keep morale where it needs to be, or when they're caught doing something considerate, boring or for talking about ANYTHING that has already been discussed before, somewhere else.

Having Tasteful Friends is a job requirement.

The cafeteria is run by a guy named Greg who thinks that fish goes with tomato sauce and that prunes are a staple food.

Our office building landscaping and snow removal used to be done by a guy named J. Spaide but he never returned since last winter. The gossip is he got caught up with some scummy motherfuckers.

I'm the water cooler where people discuss the latest Murder, She Wrote episode. Yes, the show is THAT good!

I'm the siesta hours in the afternoon where no work gets done causing glitches. I am analogous to Prime Time when no posting is done.

I'm Punch & Delete which is code for getting fired around here.

I'm HR manager, Bob Morehead, and I'm happy to report that sexual harassment is never an issue here. We're all lowdown dirty dogs. You should see the men's room during lunch.....

I'm casual Friday. You know, earrings and caftans!

I'm the main perk when working at Datalounge.

I'm the long line of regulators, law enforcement agencies and process servers 'cause you people violate every law, rule and regulation on the books.

I'm the archive of old threads.

I'm Mediapolis. I fully realize that DataLounge is my best-known subsidiary, but I try to maintain my distance from it. I often do a Mariah Carey and say of DL "I don't know her."

[quote] I'm the archive of old threads.

Based on the pic at R27 it is obvious why the fully-searchable archive of all past threads never came to be.

I'm the faded "Squirrels. Death." ad poster for Michfest hanging right next to the bulletin board. I'm the motivational "Hang In There" type of office image.

I'm Joel's neighbor. Still working from home but I haven't ZOOMed in since late March 2020. No one seems to ask or wonder where I am or whether I'm even breathing.

I'm Surprise Anal. I'm considered a perk at this workplace. That's why the employees show up pre-lubed. Which leads to interestingly deep conversations about the surprise angle. Is it still a surprise when you are all lubed up? But it also clears up the whole consent angle. HR is happy with that.

I'm Muriel

I'm Terry the cashier in the company's gift shop. Every time you bring an item up to the counter to pay, I pull my glasses down below my nose, make a slightly pursed smile, and ask, "Have you found a treasure?"

I now permanently work from home. Working in the office with all you nosy, gossipy, unproductive whores? That idea is DEAD TO ME.

I'm the showers in the basement. The soap dispensers are one inch off the floor. To get to the shower room, you have to walk through a maze of mirrors. It would be almost completely dark if it weren't for that mirrored disco ball hanging from the ceiling.

I'm the highly anticipated pubic offering

I'm the gloryholes in the bathroom stalls.

[quote] I'm the highly anticipated pubic offering

Which at DL means the desperate employees exposing themselves in the break room.

I'm Keram Malicki-Sánchez, working in the mail department. Yeah, this company still has one. And that's because of me, because ... I know things!

I'm the "Follies" screensavers.

I'm the ghost of Vivian Vance that wanders the halls.

R3 Mrs. Patsy Ramsey, you're so modest that you forgot to mention your former job at DL Corp. For the non-eldergays now working at DLHQ who may not know, you were our first on-site day care manager. You were known for instilling a stern sense of DISCIPLINE into all the spoiled rotten adopted children of the bitchy gay workforce. I really appreciated how you didn't shy away from CRACKING SKULLS if any of our little shits stepped out of line or spilled the pineapple and milk on the floor. Also, you sure could pancake the makeup on our kids to cover up any bruises they absolutely got from playing too rough with each other rather than at the receiving end of your lashings. You were truly at the top of your field.

I'm an emergency only axe in a glass display. Only Tina, from company security, is allowed to handle me. She brings it.

I'm the Mimeograph Department.

I've got your credit card numbers.

Be nice to me!

I'm the workplace POLLS being constantly posted for employees. Usually ill-constructed, typically pointless, and results always shown in the same boring horizontal interactive bar graph we've been using around DataLounge Corp since 1995. 🙄

I'm the team building exercise that ends is tears and mediation.

R48, where is the Zoo! option?

I'm anal surprise.

That's what you get for not asking.

Good Lord, I'm the bake sale!

I'm the sweatshop staffed with Darfur Orphans

I'm the company retreat at Burning Man. Just kidding. I'm the Golden Girls house in Miami used for company retreats. Employees literally fight to get invited. Several times. This job isn't for pussies.

[quote] I'm the Golden Girls house in Miami used for company retreats.

You are a fake. Every DL employee knows the actual house is in Los Angeles.

I'm the Banana Palm office gear to remind us of The Golden Girls

I'm Miss Lindsey Graham, the office flirt

I'm the DL employee suggestion box full of shit like "ERIC HAS CRABS!" and "Jonathan does DP!"

Shady Pines, r55. Shady Pines.

Don’t ask me. I’m Tanya the temp. I can quit at lunch.

They got rid of me when they got rid of mimeo.

Every single member of our club is a floor warden. We like being in charge, instilling order, and wearing the butch safety gear.

i'm the company cafeteria on the 4th floor. You never have to leave the office because we are always serving the same things. Thoroughly washed pasta after it's been cooked so the jar sauce slides right off. Of course since it's Italian day, we also have our famous lasagna made with breakfast sausage instead of Italian. To finish it off don't for get a slice of dump cake or our light and fluffy Ambrosia salad.

I am the trash bin at the bottom of the building. Who keeps throwing used sex toys and dildos in me? This shit never stops.

[quote] They got rid of me when they got rid of mimeo.

I loved him in Rebel Without a Cause! Pity about his death.

I'm the firm's boilerplate NDA. In a nutshell: Say whatever the fuck you want, just so long as it's....

[quote] Thoroughly washed pasta after it's been cooked so the jar sauce slides right off.

Is it drained?

[quote] This shit never stops.

That's Erna. Stinkfish correspondent from Barcelona.

Yes, Rose, that pasta was drained.

Im the fainting couch at the entrance of the office.

I'm a former employee, fired for cause basically because I'm too insufferable even for the proudly insufferable culture at DL Corporation. Despite it all, I have fond memories of my time at DL. Just one warning: the vision insurance plan is AWFUL.

I'm an office cubicle at Datalounge Corp. You will get a warning if you don't have a pic of your cat and yourself presenting hole hanging in your cubicle at all times. It is company policy.

... wait what? NO, your cat is not supposed to present hole, only YOU are! What kind of work environment you think this is, pervert?

I am the disgruntled black chick who used to work at Lipstick Alley. You are all racists F-A -G-Gs. I was never qualified for the job, but I just show up one day and wont leave. If you try and make me I will scream about your white privilege and generational wealth to HR.

[quote] if you don't have a pic of your cat

Is it a rescue cat?

I am the row of offices filled with Boomer bosses, we have an open door policy about free exchange of ideas except all our doors are closed.

[quote] I am the row of offices filled with Boomer bosses

I loved him on White Collar!

I am upper management who loves to talk about the millions I have saved for retirement when some underling asked for a 50 cent raise. I will go on and on about how smart I was and how you just need to be like me and totally forget what the question was about.

I am Cheryl and I work the Finance. I won't lie, its been a little hard to make friends here. I have noticed that other employees often seem to avoid me and I just don't know why. Honestly, it stinks working here. I think I will change job soon.

R7 We retired "Let the River Run" when we hired our music director, Gap Playlist Guy.

I am the company basement, filled with Trolls.

Are you hiring? I'm rapidly aging out of the gay globetrotting circuit queen lifestyle and am racking up some serious bills to pay. Totally flexible on salary since I'll be embezzling anyway, in many creative ways, even with mundane tactics like submitting wildly exaggerated mileage reports. In fact, theft and fraud are my only relevant skills, unless you have a self-loathing department? I'm very interested, highly motivated, and I have only one non-negotiable requirement: I simply *must* have a very large office in full Downton Abbey decor. Also, just a heads-up, my background check might reveal that I'm a disgraced former member of Congress and I have a filthy asshole. All of that is true, I just wanted to tell you myself and get ahead of it so you aren't surprised.

I am petty cash.

Thanks Roz, I know just where to stick it.

We're the saucy airs of pint-size harlots.

We're the DL Trolls...we work in a smelly, damp, dimly lit room in a corner of the basement. Actually, we've been living there for the past year-and-a-half, but don't tell Muriel.

I’m the conference room, where all the Mommie Dearest queens go on their lunch breaks to recreate Faye Dunaway’s boardroom scene- in full drag.

Excuse me? Do YOU know where Muriel’s office is? I don’t understand why its location has to be a fucking STATE SECRET!! I just have a few suggestions.

I’m misunderstood. Yes, I am Muriel’s secretary and, yes, I work here. I have a desk, a chair, a notepad, a phone, and a pencil to prove it. I am also the reason your petty and presumptuous requests for changes and updates go unheard by Madam. Quite simply, I have every single one of you on I-G-N-O-R-E. I know she wants it that way.

I'm the stampede to get a look at Joel the Intern on his first day. I'm more popular and violent than Pamplona or a Walmart Black Friday sale, but am I worse than when Muriel left some Crispy Creme in the breakroom?

It’s Krispy Kreme.

I’m the Twinks Pool. In case your twink is out.

I'm the annual holiday party.

I'm the toilet roll trolley. I am pushed around the cubicles on the first Monday on the month by Rosa. Company policy gives strictly one roll per employee. Each sheet is stamped with "Property of Mediapolis".

I'm on the board!

I'm the locked room. Even M isn't permitted inside. Only two guys in dark suits who come every month.

I'm the EOE poster tacked on the bulletin board by the water cooler. I may look normal at first, but once you read the fine print you will notice the phrase:

"Datalounge Headquarters has the right to refuse employment and service to fraus, lesbians, transsexuals, bisexuals, rice queens, ice queens, and nice queens."

I am the box of per-wraped cinnamon and lace Yankee candles in the closet. You just never who who's going to have a birthday or forget to bring a secret Santa gift.

[quote] I'm the EOE poster tacked on the bulletin board

Huh?

[quote] I'm the locked room. Even M isn't permitted inside.

Is it the room where they hand out talent?

I'm the proofreading department, delighting in patronizing, self-satisfied judgment at all your grammatical errors and typos.

i'm sufficient, room 36

I'm Helen Lawson and there is no fucking explanation needed.

I'm Liza and I was hired to entertain at the company holiday party. Of course, I'll cancel at the last minute due to--ahem--"scheduling conflicshts,"--and Michael Feinstein will carry the show solo. You gays will love him...he's a fellow homosheshual!

Who's on the Board of Directors. I'm thinking Kathy Griffin, Andy Cohen, and La Senatrice on it must make for some fireworks.

I'm office intern Connor Jessup

I'm the Lilli Ann wardrobe I needed to purchase since we went corporate.

I'm the memo about the pronouns.

The jokes wrote themselves. The office still hasn't recovered.

I’m the office manager who has “Fat Friday” where I order a catered lunch for Five Guys or In & Out, then videotape the fatties who come to the lunchroom first. Then I post the videos on YouTube.

We're the administrative assistants who couldn't get better jobs with our graduate degrees in Art History and English Literature. We sneer at you when you ask us to do something. We are sure you are paid too much, and that we, or a blind malamute, could do your job better. Get your own fucking birthday cakes and don't eat my brie in the fridge.

I'm the endless loop of "A Secretary Is Not A Toy" played through the loud speaker system.

[quote]Who's on the Board of Directors?

Nobody! Its an LLC, and Muriel is the sole member. Who has time to deal with some pesky Board?

I'm my office bottle of nail polish.

[quote] The cafeteria is run by a guy named Greg who thinks that fish goes with tomato sauce and that prunes are a staple food.

1). Fish does go quite nicely with tomato sauce

2). I don't recall ever saying that prunes are a staple food. In fact, I hardly ever cook with prunes.

3). You are a dumb fuck.

I am the supply cabinet. O, the pilfering and sodomy I have seen. I really should write a book.

I'm the grammar troll department. I take up 10 floors.

R111 Its an LLC that's been incorporated. So, we DO need a board of directors. I have been doing running this shit for decades. Don't fuck with me, fella.

[quote] I'm the endless loop of "A Secretary Is Not A Toy" played through the loud speaker system.

However, I can assure you that our intern selection process screens for a “playful and cooperative”attitude.

I'm Tatiana from the Advertising Dept. I was hired for my direct approach, my tenacious resolve, and my "grab-it-and-growl" attitude! I love a good challenge, and you best believe that I'm fully expecting to turn a few of you butt fuckers around before I leave this place!

I'm the HVAC guy. I am the highest paid employee in the company. Thanks, Cheryl.

I’m Roxanne Gay and I’m planning to call for a boycott of you transphobic misogynists but I’m exhausted…

This company was better ten years ago.

I'm R120, and I am a faux employee about to be escorted from the building.

I tried to trick my way in, but misspelling ROXANE Gay's name gave me away as the simple trash that I am.

I am the inbox of Republican politicians' letters & messages complaining about the negative comments about them in DL threads.

😳😳😳😳😳Busted by r22

I even omitted “on Twitter” in my threat…

Oh well, I’ve had time to change the server passwords so good luck, bitches!

Girl, you didn't even quote the prior post number right. You meant R122.

Out! Raus! Cheap fat whore be gone!

We're the Facts of Life Girls. Without us, you bitches couldn't figure out fuck all.

I'm the coordinator of the work study program, which has high school kids interning here to get the experience of a lifetime.

I'm Julianne Moore.

I'm your new boss, Kevin Spacey. I'm declaring that today is Take Your Hot Teenage Nephew To Work Day (no fats, no fems)

[quote] I am the supply cabinet. O, the pilfering and sodomy I have seen. I really should write a book.

I've never worked in an office that had good office supplies. Only thing I ever "stole" was Post-Its, the light yellow ones. I've always bought my own pens.

I'm guessing DL Corp's supply cabinet is equally boring.

I'm Aaron Rodgers. I'll be your new commercial spokesman. Just as long as you don't have a vaccine requirement. And let me bring my new, um, assistant along.

I'm the office refrigerator. Every Friday, Mike goes through my contents. Anything not labeled gets thrown out. I don't care what kind of container it's in. In the trash! I (Mike) send out an email every Thursday as fair warning.

I'm Scott. I'm semi-homeless. I eat other people's foods from the office refrigerator. I sleep in the conference room. I probably do have a gambling addiction.

[quote] Anything not labeled gets thrown out.

I will not be labeled without my consent!

I'm the unisex bathroom. People frequently misunderstand my true purpose--for having sex with men dressed as unicorns.

I'm the plate of homemade cookies sitting in the break room! Nobody eats me, but everybody sniffs me!!

I'm Buck Jarrett. And I would've never worked for the corporation.

I'm Beth Jarrett.

I'm the head of HR.

I'm the office lush.

Coffee is for payers!

I'm the trough, awaiting the sows.

Non-paying posters are requested to wait in the lobby until Muriel decides they may enter.

I'm Boris in IT.

I'm the stack of entire pizzas, waiting for the stampede of heifertitis to snatch me from this pile and waddle back to their desks.

I'm Wundy, hired from the local adults-with-retardation agency. I wander the halls from office to office, making indiscernible comments. I'm accepted as the company mascot and sometimes they even let me vote in polls. At Christmas, I get hundreds of cans of frosting. I don't know why, but I basically live off of canned grocery store frosting.

I'm Josh, long retired but I show up from time to time to walk around because, in my still delusional head, I'm a total celebrity around here. I used to be despised but now they just feel sorry for me.

I’m the segregated water fountains, separate but equal with one labeled “cut” and the other, “uncut.”

Sorry Josh—I get my goat milk soap at Costco now.

I'm the Guatemalan Dler employee. Even tho I have two master degrees and speak three languages, the only job they offered me here was as a janitor.

We will not tolerate Wundy Gurl slander here!

WUND

IS

LOVE

I'm the annual office "retreat".

My lips are sealed.

I'm the call center in Slovenia. I will give you information about local elections

I'm the YAAAAAAAAAAAS KWEEN gay blatino twink receptionist who refuses to answer the phone, pick up lunches or do anything in the way of office work. I'm here only to greet people, surf the internet and walk around the office keeping the staff entertained.

I'm the No Blacks, No Asians.

I do Christmas decorations in DL headquarters. Every year theme is same, my favorite, "FUCK CHRISTMAS" with bloody Christmas trees. I have really no skills for anything but use poosay and very fine Slovenian architecture degree to get job. Many gays here do not like me, they are not charmed by my magical poosay and plastic surgeries. Also I do not have husband they want to fuck. But I really don't care, do U??

I'm Gregg. I'm in the typing pool...and an aspiring actress.

[quote] I'm Gregg.

Do you like prunes?

I'm Shitty Little Anne, here on Take Your Daughter to Work Day. I've been in the ladies' room all morning. Do NOT go in there. Trust me.

We are assigning workspaces. Please listen carefully. We are telling you now so we don’t have to tell you then.

Tasteful friends to the penthouse.

Porn-thread OPs to the basement.

“Let’s Be” posters to the courtyard to await further sorting.

All trolls please proceed to the sub-basement. You know who you are.

Flyovers who complain will be sent to one of the field offices.

I'm the CFO of Mediapolis, Inc.

I maximize revenue by charging a credit card for the DL renewal, then less than a week later suspend the user for an indefinite time without telling the customer why he is being suspended and for how long he is being suspended, but the suspensions are at a minimum of two months. I will suspend the account numerous times throughout the course of the subscription year (again without warning and again without explanation) because I fucking can because I love sucking the rancid clits of of SJWs and Wokesters .

[quote] I'm Gregg. Do you like prunes?

Don't be so stupid. Gregg and I are different posters.

Gregg is a troll and an asshole.

Why so many morons out here today?

I’m Lipstick Alley, thwarted daily trying to make a hostile takeover of the far superior Datalounge.

I'm in senior management talking with leadership about how we can jettison a lot of the dead weight in this corporation. We need new talent. Time for a good housecleaning.

Not this Gregg, r160.

[quote]Since I know longer live in a certain city,

I'm the Oh, dear.

I'm the compensation, on which only Muriel and Vivian Vance can afford to live in properties of Tasteful Friends caliber.

[quote] Not this Gregg, [R160].

No, not Gregg Notehand. The Gregg I'm referring to is a total dipshit.

I'm the catering company that runs the cafeteria. My owner is Greg. No one ever buys anything from me, but they do come steal napkins for their takeout.

I only work here a couple of days a week, I don't want the salary to fuck with my benefits. Plus I spend LONG weekends at my lavish country estate. I sure as hell wouldn't want my son to be one, but I've always found homosexuals so amusing.

I’m the “Hold Me, David” weighted blanket included in the new hire welcome basket.

[quote] I'm the catering company that runs the cafeteria. My owner is Greg. No one ever buys anything from me, but they do come steal napkins for their takeout.

Sorry, I don't cook for the hoi polloi. I only cook for the upper echelon of Boston society.

Though I did slum it once and prepared boat food for a Kennedy outing. It was a charity event and the high bidder got to go out on a boat with some of the Kennedys. I don't even remember which ones now. I remember that there were children involved because part of what I did I was make fancy peanut butter and preserves sandwiches and cut them out with star cookie cutters.

Plum preserves?

And if anyone feels like being an asshole, let me head you off at the pass—

I made these sandwiches with strawberry preserves NOT prune preserves.

[quote] I’m the “Hold Me, David” weighted blanket

Is it an adowable blanket?

[quote] Plum preserves?

See! I tried to beat you but didn't.

[quote] And if anyone feels like being an asshole, let me head you off at the pass—

Too late.

For dessert I prepared the children a cod souffle with cranberry frosting. They loved it and asked for me to give their nanny the recipe.

[quote] I made these sandwiches with strawberry preserves NOT prune preserves.

Were they bought?

What do you mean, "Were they bought?"

This was an auction to benefit some private charter school and the guests were bidding on a boat outing from the Kennedy compound with lunch.

I'm the corporate culture slogan, in place since our 1995 founding: "You gotta give a little head to get ahead." Roger Ailes stole it the following year when he started the vile Fox News Channel.

[quote] For dessert I prepared the children a cod souffle with cranberry frosting. They loved it and asked for me to give their nanny the recipe.

And they LOVED that soufflé. Their nanny was skeptical—but she was a whore.

I'm John, and I'll be going door-to-door to sell used textbooks.

I call Greg's preserves very feeble.

[quote] What do you mean, "Were they bought?"

Were the preserves purchased from a store or were they “home” made by you or others? Were the preserves bought?

I’m the security guard who shot and killed Greg in the DataLounge parking lot.

I have no doubt you will all contribute generously to the GoFundMe account set up to pay my legal costs.

I'm the goddamn Spirit retreat weekends we're required to attend.

I’m the widely read and widely loathed DL company newsletter…

TELLING YOU NOW, SO WE DON’T HAVE TO TELL YOU THEN

No, R188 that’s the name of the DL Employee Handbook!

Hi, I am Henry Ruggs your Head of Transportation. I can get you anywhere faster than anyone.

[quote] What do you mean, "Were they bought?"

Out! Out I say!

I'm the vending machine in the break room.

I'm bringing donuts to work to appease all the fat whores. In December I might even bring some Kwanzaa cak!

I'm the corporate ladder/promotions, as well as job security....

I am the current edition of Tasteful Friends Magazine artfully places at an angle on the coffee table in the front office reception area.

I am Marjorie from the office across the hall. I just stumbled in here by accident and realized there are so many available men I just cant wait to tell the gals back in the cubicles about this goldmine of future husbands. They all seem so well groomed and polite and happy. They really seem to like all types of woman! They have posters on the wall from Britney Spears to Dolly Parton, Chere and the Golden Girls.

I’m JIIIIIIIIMMMMMYYYY. I got hired after I wore my tight Levi jeans and a white t-shirt to the interview.

I saw some shit in PA. But, those Goys were fucking assholes.

[quote] I just cant wait to tell the gals back in the cubicles about this goldmine of future husbands.

Beware of their den mother, Muriel. She's the grossly overweight one.

I’m the soft butch lesbian sous chef, Kim. Security had to be called to the cafeteria after Greg and I got into a fight. He suggested I put prunes in my nutloaf. The nerve of him.

I'm the mirrors installed in the public restrooms that make everyone look 35 even though they're 50.

[quote] They all seem so well groomed and polite and happy.

R196 Polite? Happy?? Marjorie, you have no idea just how wrong a turn you took when you stumbled in here. Nice to meet you, now please go away so we can triple lock the door behind you and forever ignore you in the elevator.

I'm the company gym locker room. I get more visits daily than the actual gym I reside in.

I have no idea who or what the “Greg” shit is about, but it’s ruined the fucking thread. I honestly hate you newcomer cunts.

I don't know an in joke! Should I accuse everyone of being newcomers, Boris, or fraus? I'll go with newcomers this time.

I’m Ginny, latterly of billing, now an HR Business Partner after a Zoom course I took during lockdown. I have the options for this year’s corporate team building retreat: A. Return to Michfest Experiential Yurt Building

B. Introduction to Animal Husbandry at Matt Damon’s zoo

C. Mentoring BBQ with Boy Scouts of America at Bryan Singer’s pool

I'm still out on worker's comp. Have they fixed the elevator yet?

[quote]I'm the company gym locker room. I get more visits daily than the actual gym I reside in.

I'm the company steam room, you think the locker room is busy? I am waiting for staff to install a revolving door for all the Grandpas that keep falling in the new guy because they still think they look 30 years younger than their actual age.

I am the office decor, I don't like change, I like to keep it bland and reviser and always running about 10 years out of date just like the website.

I'm the only soft drink allowed on the premises:

Ever since I put every single one of you co-workers on F&F and ignore, my work days have become SO pleasant!

[quote]I'm Boris in IT.

Brilliant! The perfect punishment for Boris, giving tech support to all the olds of DL.

"Can you help me get the internet on my computer?"

"Tovarishch, we are talking on internet now."

"No, I'm typing on the computer. Can you put the internet on my computer?"

I'm Boris, getting hammered on Vodka during his lunch break

I am Wendell, a "straight" married man. I do nothing all day other than insinuate or question which of the men in the company are gay. No one ever questions why I am so preoccupied with knowing whether another man is gay.

I'm office manager Lindsey Graham. Instead of a Christmas Party this year, we will be having an old-fashioned Southern cotillion. BECAUSE I SAID SO, BITCHES!!!!

The lobby of Corporate Headquarters does not have a receptionist.

It has four panelists.

[Quote] 1). Fish does go quite nicely with tomato sauce

[Quote] 2). I don't recall ever saying that prunes are a staple food. In fact, I hardly ever cook with prunes.

[Quote] 3). You are a dumb fuck.

[Quote] —Greg

You've been bought out of your lease, bitch. It's time for someone with a sense of smell and also taste buds to take over the employee cafeteria.

I am the Friday morning bagels. No one will admit to liking me — the complaints run the gamut; I’m too carby, I am never accompanied by a sufficient quantity of cream cheese, too much of me is plain rather than covered in seeds (if you can believe that!) — but you’ll notice that I’m always gone well before noon.

I am Monday morning doughnuts. I am gone way faster than bagels. Just sayin.

[quote] I am Marjorie from the office across the hall

Don’t be silly. Datalounge has the entire building.

My old company sent us a cheese basket from Harry and David for Xmas. DL sent us Harry and David and told us they like to be whipped.

Apologies to deviate from the thread theme, but in R206 why would people run into an elevator during an earthquake?! I have no idea what that old ass movie is so maybe it's supposed to be ridiculous.

[quote]I have no idea what that old ass movie is

Wow. Are you sure you're gay?

R222 Yes, I am quite gay and I know my way around dick quite well thank you, but maybe I'm too young to have seen that movie.

I was too casual for casual Friday. I wore little yellow vinyl jogging shorts and was told not to ever again.

[quote]Don’t be silly. Datalounge has the entire building.

No they don't, Dataloung only has 3 floor in a 20 story office building, the other 18 are annoyances freeloaders. They don't want to pay for parking.

Hey R223, It was from a 1970's movie called Earthquake. Yes it was ridiculous even for back then.

Side note, since you were probably not born yet. They advertised that if you went to the theater, you would actually feel the quake. So what they did is distribute huge sub woofers with the film to every theater. They put them in all 4 corners of the theater and cranked up the low vibration to make the seats rumble.

It was 1974, it gave birth to “Sensurround”

I'm the biannual, mandatory volunteer days with the local special needs group. No one really wants to go, but we all go just to laugh at the requisite "Fank you!" and "Dat's da suck job!" comments we get to laugh at.

After the laugh-fest at the special needs volunteer outing, we all go en masse to the local salad bar. We only pay for "Once Around the Garden," but of course we butt our way in to get the unlimited "Autumn Harvest."

I am the large screen TV in the conference room running Rachel Maddow on a 24 hour loop. When Joy Reid comes on, we change it to CNN.

I'm the gift card to a spa day at Elizabeth Arden in the Secret Santa bag.

I'm the credit card charging department. I've been outsourced to Nigeria

I’m the 3rd floor Boris department. Making sure we actually have Russian trolls to keep DLers on their feet!

[quote] I have no idea who or what the “Greg” shit is about, but it’s ruined the fucking thread. I honestly hate you newcomer cunts.

I have been here since 1995, so I'm hardly a newcomer. Why don't you stop acting like a stupid little whore?

As someone in senior management, I would have your ass fired so quickly your head would spin.

In no way have I ruined this thread. So, go fuck yourself.

[quote] You've been bought out of your lease, bitch. It's time for someone with a sense of smell and also taste buds to take over the employee cafeteria.

Yawn

I’m Meaghan, Duchess of Sussex. I am calling your CEO on his personal number to tell you that you need better parental leave policies.

I am the elderlez Roberta. I am the the one who gets any actual work done around here. I was top in my class at secretarial school in 1952. I know shorthand and how to center text on a proportional spacing typewriter. I have never been known to crack a smile or laugh, especially when you queens tell the new interns to ask Miss Hathaway where the carbon paper is kept.

[quote]I'm the mirrors installed in the public restrooms that make everyone look 35 even though they're 50.

Who would ever need such a thing?

I’m the phrase “ I told you never to call me on this number” I am overheard all over the building many times a day.

[quote]I’m Tanya the temp. I can quit at lunch.

Temp!

Slut!

Temp slut!

I’m tech support.

“Have you tried logging off and logging in again?”

I’m in ad sales. My major account is Real Jock. I cut them a break last quester because they let my neighbor, Joel, do a cover shot.

^ quarter

I'm the water cooler.

Employees spend 99% of their time hanging out here gossiping and/or sexually harassing's each other.

Water cooler?

As if.

[quote] Employees spend 99% of their time hanging out here gossiping and/or sexually harassing's each other.

Just like DL the message board.

I'm the Scotch tape and staples that are holding the "building" together. Barely.

I'm the Red Dragon Cheese in the office refrigerator

I'm the sales reps, dressed like they're attending a wedding so they don't feel embarrassed during their flight.

I'm the hostile takeover by unhinged trans activists.

I’m the rabbit faced wife of the man our CEO is having an affair with.

[quote] I’m the rabbit faced wife of the man our CEO is having an affair with.

The CEO is having an affair with Matt Damon?

No one speaks of typewriter erasers anymore...

R250 for the win!

R226 thank you for explaining! You get a quick BJ in the DL breakroom.

I am the office manager, The Grand Duchess Maria Vladimirovna Romanova, and I'm just about to hit "Send" on an officious email about stealing lunches from the fridge.

I'm the well-stocked liquor cabinet

^ Bitch should talk, r254. She's the one who keeps drinking my Sego.

For the glamorous R4

I'm the obligatory summer party out in the Hamptons, complete with tour bus that goes past Ina Garten's place.

[quote] I’m the security guard who shot and killed Greg in the DataLounge parking lot.I have no doubt you will all contribute generously to the GoFundMe account set up to pay my legal costs.

I was revived. And you are going down, bitch!

I'm the custodian who diddles himself in the stalls in the men's room.

Girl fight! Girl fight!

I'm the Larry Tate Memorial Conference Room. Fuck you if you don't know who Larry Tate is.

I'm the airhead receptionist who gives good head.

I'm the Gladys Kravitz Memorial Water Cooler.

I’m the Rachel Zane Copy Room.

[quote]I'm the Gladys Kravitz Memorial Water Cooler.

"Memorial"? I work in Accounts Receivable!

I'm the spy performing corporate espionage over at Lipstick Alley.

I am the company chaplain who thinks you fuckers have made a pact with the devil.

There’s a chaplain? Of which church?? The church of the poisoned mind?

[R169], I'm the receptionist, putting Carly Simon on hold again.

The DL Corporate Headquarters building in Manhattan:

[quote] The DL Corporate Headquarters building in Manhattan:

It’s in Des Moines!

I’m the weekly Friday afternoon meeting in the Larry Tate Memorial Conference Room to discuss DL fave Kate Jackson.

R228 we change the channel after we first see what wig she’s wearing that evening and react accordingly, of course.

I'm the music that plays in the eldergays' heads as they walk to the office and imagine they're Miss Hope Lange going to her job at Fabian Publishing.

I'm the company softball game. None of the bottoms can throw.

^ I'm the catcher. In both senses of the word

I'm Violet Newstead...Please hold.

I'm the company-issued Hazmat suits for people who interact with Cheryl. You'll find the Karen Silkwood showers over there. with a hologram of Cher in the title role.

I'm the company newsletter.

Sharon, Mr. Dixon's secretary, prints it on the mimeograph.

I’m the annual budget. The process of preparing me each year generates more melodrama than a Douglas Sirk picture. For example, the year Muriel proposed cutting the pencil/rotary phone budget caused what our Eldergay employees still refer to as “the bitch slap heard ‘round the world.” (She never made that mistake again!)

I'm the subdued, low-key inconspicuous ambience of the after-work Happy Hour spot.

I'm N'Quasia Jones stopping in at DL to give my third read this week from my office one floor up at Lipstick Alley Enterprises!

I'm the third degree burns on the chaplain's fingers after he dipped them in holy water. That fucker thought he was cute, didn't he?

I'm the body acceptance seminar you're scheduled to attend next Monday at 3. It's on the third floor of the Adams building. There is no parking so we encourage you to make use of public transportation. Also, dress comfortably; the elevator is still out.;)

[quote] the elevator is still out.

Many of the fat cunts at DL headquarters need to use the stairs.

[Quote] You've been bought out of your lease, bitch. It's time for someone with a sense of smell and also taste buds to take over the employee cafeteria.

[Quote] Yawn

[Quote] —Greg

I prefer yawning to your vomitous cooking.

I am the 10 restrooms on each floor. They are labeled Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual, Queer, MTF, FTM, non-binary, Straight but questioning, etc. We have at least 5 employees a day piss their pants while deciding what they want to be that day.

I'm Roxane Gay's chair.

I am under some serious pressure! You can't even KNOW!

[quote]As someone in senior management, I would have your ass fired so quickly your head would spin.

Why did I know that was coming.

I'm the mailman. We've got 20 years of mail piled up for this place because nobody knows where it really is.

I'm the nacreous layers of permacum in the men's sauna.

I'm R291's mail. I'm piling up because too many annoying people haven't realized they can pay bills online yet and delight in wasting people's time at the bank while they wait to pay their "cable bill" which they could do more effectively with their credit card.

I am the Hasidic rabbi undercover as a regular employee just waiting to jump down everyone's through if they even mention the word Jew. It's an open secret I think I am better than everyone else here, I am counting the days I don't have to work with all these Goy.

I'm the current temp.

I'm invisible.

I'm the recipes discussed as the holidays approach for perfect roast turkey.

I'm Muriel. I'm actually a primitive AI system that automatically monitors thread statistics and searches for keywords, shutting down threads and paywalling without any emotion or sentiment whatsoever. These stupid bitches think I'm human... but I couldn't even pass a Turing test

I'm the Christmas bonus none of the staff will be receiving for reasons which are well known to them.

I'm the office retreat to Bumfuck, Iowa. No one wants to go there but everyone likes meeting closeted guys in bars.

And I, R298, am the disgruntled investor relations manager who was really counting on you to fund my passage on the upcoming TCM cruise. Now that I know I cannot afford to mingle with George Chakiris and Kim Novak, I’ll exact my revenge on our stingy, passive aggressive corporate overlords with a tell-all annual report: DL DEAREST 2022: DON’T FUCK WITH MY BONUS, FELLAS.

I'm the construction crew hired to tear down that bitch of a bearing wall in the CEO's office and to put a window where it ought to be.

I'm the "Lucy wanted to _________, but Gary talked her out of it" suggestion box. I'm at the bottom of the Vivian Vance Memorial triple-decker chocolate fountain in the cafeteria. Head Cafeteria Chef Greg has no jurisdiction over me.

We are the much loved dogs and cats of DL who come to work each day in Gucci carriers.. We were adopted during the pandemic and our owners refused to go back to work unless we came, too. The DL giftshop is filled with couture doggie and cat wear including a line of crocheted sweaters by a certain former Olympian. .

I'm Froy, Billinda's emotional support ferret.

I shit everywhere. Chet's new Puzzle bag? Yes!

[quote] I'm the recipes discussed as the holidays approach for perfect roast turkey.

Is the turkey drained?

[quote] We are the much loved dogs and cats of DL

Are they rescue dogs and cats?

I'm the turkey meatballs that have been in the office fridge for two months now.

[quote] I'm the turkey meatballs that have been in the office fridge for two months now.

Are they drained?

I’m sorry, we do not provide day care for children. If none of our fur babies is allergic to your child, you may leave him in our pet spa, but we cannot be liable for any bites, scratches or parasites.

I’m the leftover cak kitchen after Muriel’s birthday party

I'm the CFO. I'm the only hetero male in the office, and I've been embezzling funds on the sly for years with no one noticing, because the rest are too busy exchanging recipes, arguing about Tom Holland and Timothy Somebody, catching up on ice-skating, and taking bets on Who Will Come Out Next Year.

There is no Muriel. I am the brains behind this operation, ya bendy fucks!

I'm the new dress code requiring back pocket hankies based on sex roles and pay grade.

I imagine M.U.R.I.E.L looks like VIKI from "I, Robot" but her face is more like Dame Edna Everage.

I'm the twinks the CFO bangs while pretending to be straight.

still don't get the twink thing. Just not my bag I guess

I'm the corporate seal.

I'm the corporate zeal.

Go Datalounge!

I’m the creative director who came up with the idea for this ad. It was nominated for a Clio Award.

[quote] It was nominated for a Clio Award.

But ended up winning a Clit Award.

I am Datalounge: The Lounge. I'm a little dive bar nearby where employees drown their sorrows with cheap booze and liquor. Sometimes lounge singer acts like Tori Amos show up and sing a few songs playing on the bar's piano, but hardly anyone recognizes her and if they recognize the song they think she's a bad drag queen act. It's a shame (as is working for Datalounge, the corporation).

I'm the opera queen from whose cubicle an endless stream of Rossini, Beillini, Donizetti, and Weber emerge, with some grudging nods to Puccini, Verdi, and Wagner, may be heard all day, every day. I've got an autographed photo of Joan Sutherland up on the corkboard. I've lowered the fucking volume to barely audible and colleagues are still complaining.

I'm surprised at how certain threads make it to 300+ replies in less than a week.

^*Bellini

(before some bloody opera queen obsessed with bel canto seizes on the typo)

^^*And that's DAME Joan Sutherland to you cretins.

I’m the company pastor. I’d like to help, but what’s the point of trying? You’re all going straight to HELL.

To our staff:

We regret to inform you that Gus will not be hired to appear as Santa Claus for this year’s office Christmas party.

Our lawyers have informed us that this decision is in the best interest of all due to last year’s unfortunate surprise anal incident.

Management

I'm the Board meeting entertainment.

I am love.

To our staff:

We have decided to replace Gus with this guy, based on the audition tape he submitted.

Management

Gleb.

I'm former employee Dylan Geick who is now working closely with Peter Thiel to convince him to destroy the company that allowed its employees to treat me so badly. I'll have my revenge someday, you cunts! Now, if you excuse me I'm inspired to write a passionate poem about how much Datalounge sucks.

[quote]I’m the company pastor.

I'm the kind of mind that would actually think a "company priest" is an actual thing outside of a church or prison.

I'm the driver on call to take anyone home who works overtime.

Nobody's ever called.

I'm Mr. Brown, the new head of Accounting.

[quote] I’m the company pastor. I’d like to help, but what’s the point of trying? You’re all going straight to HELL.

Fuck off!

[quote] I'm the kind of mind that would actually think a "company priest" is an actual thing outside of a church or prison.

Or a college or university. Or a hospital. Or the US House of Representatives. Or a school.

Or the US military.

[quote] I'm the kind of mind that would actually think a "company priest" is an actual thing outside of a church or prison.

I’m the kind of mind that thinks anything in this thread is an actual thing.

[quote]Or a college or university. Or a hospital. Or the US House of Representatives. Or a school.

Disgusting. Religion permeates too many things.

In God we trust.

You are all a bunch of liars. There is no priest or chaplan at DL, the Corporation. There is only a simple holy shrine.

Pastor. PASTOR.

R7- Working Girl 👧 is a NON gay - gay movie one can watch over and over.

[quote]I'm the current temp......I'm invisible.

That's because you are 45 but think you look like 20. Get it through your head, the hot young new male hires want nothing to do with the old sea hag. Try dating in your own age group Cramps.

---The Management.

I am the Receptionist. I make everyone feel uncomfortable around my stunning beauty and glamor. Poor dears.

I’m sure, Jan.

George Glass was supposed to show up for an interview at 8:00am, it's now 9:30, I think he's a no show.

I'm a security guard at Datalounge. Hall monitoring is my life. You better stay in your line and on topic ... or else. *shaking fist*

My proposal for my efficiency program, "[bold]N[/bold]ot [bold]A[/bold]s [bold]Z[/bold]en [bold]I[/bold]rritably", has been shut down several times now, but I will keep trying to create a workplace where the national order brings peace and harmony to all no matter how much they reject it at first.

Especially my secret crush, whom I find irresistible whenever he corrects my grammar. Sometimes I deliberately make mistakes, so he can correct me.

I'm the newly-hired GenZ-er.

Where the hell is my corner office?!

I'm Ginny in billing.

DL sucks so bad lately I can't keep up with all the charge backs I'm getting from banks and credit card companies.

Alas, poor me.

I'm Gavin in Marketing.

I have a lot of ideas, but they aren't feasible.

I'm Julie and no one is really sure what DL Department I am from because I don't do any work. Most hate me. Some even call me Bitch or C@nt to my face. I'm rich and don't have to work, but I come in everyday anyways to make all your lives miserable. It is the simple pleasures in life that make it all worthwhile.

I'm Bev, the executive assistant who was let go for stealing from the annual charity caftan drive. I WILL have my revenge.