Things You Will Never Hear a Lesbian Say

Top or bottom?

I LOVE men!

I'd never have someone pay for my bread pudding, especially at an overpriced restaurant! I'll happily pay full price

"But it's such a feminine dick - I don't mind!“

"That's hilarious!"

R4 hahaha, I read on Reddit that there was a lesbian in a relationship with a trans girl, with a girldick. She said they had intercourse, I mean with penis(girl penis) penetrating vagina (also girl vagina). I was puzzled, what funny lesbians these must be to have sex that way.

'Don't you love my sense of irony?'

"I'm headed over to Sephora. Tootles!"

“Can I have your recipe for ______?”

Megan Rapinoe and Sue Bird, you say? Sorry, I've never heard of them.

I don't really like Subarus that much

Your cum tastes good.

Who needs a Uhaul, I travel light?

FABulous!

“Sure, you can borrow all of my Indigo Girls CDs. Keep them as long as you’d like”.

Plaid is SOOO 90s

I LOVE men.

The house is perfect. We're not changing a thing.

rescue-chick, I knew you were straight!

I'm looking for a gal with a great sense of humor.

why would I use a cane?

Teabag me, Baby!

“I didn’t do shit to help out during the AIDS crisis in the ‘80s.”

Wash that fish stall it stinks

"No, I hired someone to build the shed."

"I forgot the recipe for nutloaf."

"No need to tell you now, I'll just tell you then."

I don't even have a pet let alone a rescue pet

“Let’s try it your way.”

I thought I'd experiment a bit and make us a soufflé.

My favorite rap star is...

"...and the mother says: 'The Aristocrats!'"

Can we go to Lowe's for a change?

A CPAP you say? Never heard of it.

"Well, let's not take ourselves too seriously about this matter. It's only politics."

"I don't have many boundaries, so you can say or do whatever you want around me. Why would I care what you do?"

"Oh, I couldn't possibly fix that myself. I'm all thumbs when it comes to home repair."

I m not bringing a UHaul. It’s only our second date.

Are these acrylic nails too short? I wanted the tips the same length as the nailbeds.

I'd munch on Greta Thunberg's carpet.

Dream catchers are so tacky.

Hurry honey—Project Runway’s about to start!

Who really would have cared in the end if we had let transwomen into MichFest? It's not like it's some mystical site or anything.

It's not that I'm actually allergic to cilantro; it's just that I don't really care for it.

“I was thinking of wearing silk instead of flannel.”

No thanks, I'm wearing a dress this time... I'm just really tired of the modified mans' suit look for dressy occasions.

"I know it's about social justice, but I don't really have a strong opinion on this matter.:"

"I don't really need this cane to walk."

No, I'm too dainty to be a lumber jack

Oh, it's so big, Paul!

Can you show me how to change a tire?

Sure wish I was a gay man so I could sleep with thousands of random strangers over my lifetime!

Is it in yet?

OMG, I've gained five pounds! The diet starts today!

I went to Dakota Johnson’s birthday party!

*off to my waxing appointment, I am going Brazilian*

Power tools are for boys!

"People tell the truth get cancer"

I'll pay this time.

"I love the way a penis looks"

“U Hauls are so expensive, let’s wait until the prices of rentals go down.”

“I don’t like penises, but I do like penis-shaped objects.”

"Do you think that tip is enough?"

"There's no evidence that [insert any famous historical woman] isn't straight."

"Gay men were mostly cared for by other gay men during the AIDS crisis"

"The world today is so much better than in the '70s"

"Dating an ex's ex? Doesn't that seem awkward and inappropriate?"

"We should give each other time to be sure this relationship will work before moving in together"

"It's difficult to get all essential nutrients on a vegan diet"

"Does this hairstyle look dated to you?"

"Is it too soon to renovate the house again? It has been two years."

"My obesity is caused by my diet not a self-diagnosed glandular issue"

"I love RuPaul. Drag is so fun."

"I feel more kinship with gay men than straight women"

"I hate shopping at Home Depot."

"I talk tough like a man, but I'll revert to a helpless female if an argument gets threatening."

"Do you need any help with those dishes?"

I'll never sport the mullet cut again

"Michfest ended because it failed to keep up with the times"

"The US Women's Soccer Team does relatively poorly by any standard. Megan Rapinoe isn't that special"

“I prefer to go by my full name actually”

"My balls itch"

“I prefer the L Word reboot to the original series”

“You know, I just never liked the taste of beer.”

"Pass the poppers"

R31 That makes no sense.

R19 Wait, rescue chick is gay?

haha, no r86. But Lesbians always think I am of their tribe.

lesbiterians always go to the church

That’s such a funny joke!

"How many carbs are in that?"

Should I trade in my Subaru for a Chevy?

What’s a tool belt?

My favorite colors are Blush and Bashful!

"I would kill for a new pair of heels"

I am a fat whore.

Rescue Chick, wasn't it you who told us about the dangerous dog you have and all the precautions you need to take with him?

I need to lose a few pounds.

What do you think of our new window treatments?

What's a vibrator?

R96 It was her. But what does that has to do with the thread subject?

my girlfriend walks like a gazelle, why a crab?

"Does this dress make me look too girly?"

"Women dress for other women not men"

He has a beautiful cock!

Let’s forget this meeting’s official agenda and just go out for a drink!

“Next round’s on me!”

"I really don't enjoy being vegan."

Suck my dick

“Man on the Land — at my invitation!”

"Does anyone know a good electrician? I need some simple rewiring done."

That is a beautiful cock, unless of course they are on a chicken farm.

Do these Carharrts make my ass look fat?

Lesbyterian? I'm proud to be a Diesel Dyke.

“I’m not offended”

I've often wondered what it's like to have sex with a man.

R108 You are wrong, there are transwomen-lesbians who probably say: suck my girldick, or maybe they say: suck my clit.

I've lost 10lbs this year.

Has anyone seen my shaving kit?

“I always go right for the balls, then work my way up the shaft.”

"I hate the taste and smell of tuna"

"Don't touch my weave."

Fabulous Hisstopher!! The mauve just looks absolutely fabulous!!! That chartreuse was just ghastly!!

Let's make a list of things that are high class

I'll start.

A single strand of pearls

I looked really pretty today.

Hisss!!!!!!

I won’t tell you now, I can wait to tell you then.

Maybe it isn't always the man's fault.

I think it's important to have a sense of humor about yourself. I try not to take myself too seriously.

R127, I think that extends to most women (cue the "misogynist" screaming crowd).

Ewww!! Sportsball

Ohmigod! Are those this seasons Prada???? I don't care what anyone says, I simply adore Prada! Just simply ADORE them!

"KD Lang is one of the most overrated artists out there"

Verificatia of sizemeat?

"No, I don't think we need to talk about this issue any further. We've already covered it fully"

Field hockey is boring.

"Most home renovations aren't worth the bother and inconvenience."

I'm pretty sure that girls' PE teacher is straight.

Let's skip dinner.

We need to show more solidarity with our Gay brothers.

Grrrrrrrr, woof.

Me so horny.

I'd rather have a male boss than a female one.

I’m not wearing that vest and bow tie - it looks ridiculous.

That Oprah is hot as fuck. I’d like to suck her cock.

I have ALL of the episodes of Sex And The City on DVD.

“I am responsible for any failings in my life not The Patriarchy”

Virginia Woolf’s writing is a total snooze fest.

Andrea Dworkin was fucking deranged.

I hate wallet chains, even though they've been around for over 30 years.

what do you think about these new earrings? This caftan?

“What are things you will never hear gay guys say?”

"Anne Murray is ugly."

I actually finished reading "Rubyfruit Jungle."

I’m a great dresser

“The WNBA receives enough funding considering its viewership”

"Patsy Cline? I've never heard of her."

Nancy Kulp was NOT A DYKE!

"Get the diet Snapple."

I’m loath to do home improvements but I really want to remove the deck in the backyard.

We don't need an entire pickup truck or Jeep for just that.

"I can't go to the softball game today, I have to get my vag waxed and a mani pedi for tonight's date".

"Your tongue's too big."

My BALLS itch.

R148: Even more deranged than Judith?

I want him in me deeply

That was good/great service, I'd like to tip you.

“I support Pete Buttigieg”

“ I am Pete buttigieg”

‘I want Pete Buttigieg in me deeply’

"I voted for Pete Buttplug. He's a good guy."

He’s a HOTTIE!

I need LOTS of new dresses 👗.

I have anger management issues which are exacerbated by alcohol use disorder.

"No, sorry I don't have a carabiner. I'm not exactly sure what that actually is"

I don't have an opinion on that. You'll have to ask my wife.

Don't plan for the future, live for the day!

No, your hair cut at the barber is not too short.

"Mariah wants to move in together already but we've only been dating 1 year...I don't know, I think it's too soon"

"I spent HOURS on our Christmas decorations."

“These Peppermint Patty Hummel figurines are too tacky for the living room mantel.”

I'm going to skip lunch today.

“Domestic violence is no less bad when it happens between a sam sex couple.”

OOOOH, my new issue of "Vogue" arrived!

Let's go shopping for jewelry!

"I'm applying makeup."

Does this plaid shirt look too butch?

"I love beauty pageants"

"Val, I really like you, but I think we should date for at least 12 months before we think about moving in together."

I am happy

“Amber Heard and Ruby Rose both seem like trouble”

Live and let live.

I'm sure my illness is all in my head.

No Dessert for me

‘Nah, nothing to do with gender or race. That guy is just an asshole’

No, I don't want to arm-wrestle.

i can't, I am getting my nails done and then getting my legs waxed

I'm feeling pretty today!

I voted for Donald Trump.

R54 I don't get this one

R11- I drive a Subaru Crosstrek and I'm not even a Lesbian.

"Diet Coke and a side salad. Hold the dressing, please."

r200 But you probably look like one.

R199, it’s a reference to Dakota Johnson’s interview on the Ellen show.

It was tense and Dakota called her out.

“I reject the concept of emotional labor”

“Hillary was a bad candidate”

“Pink? Melissa Ethridge? Never hear of them.”

“I don’t mind not being called by my credential.”

“Men aren’t constantly staring at me”

(I'm mostly just surprised by the fact that no lesbian has yet come along to inform us that this thread is sooo not funny)

Oh they have r209 they have in a passive aggressive way they have. You need to read between the lines to find them

Most of this thread is funny.

There are about 5 where I think the person must not have met a lesbian IRL.

Interruption over, back to trying to make us dykes laugh boys.

Everyone says I've got a great sense of humor.

Everyone says I've got a great sense of humor.

"It's just a rough patch. I can white knuckle it."

“Cut or uncut?”

"I'd like to speak to the manager!"

‘Top or bottom ？‘

A Ford F150? Why would I ever have use for a truck? I'd much prefer something cute and fun like a convertible Mini Cooper.

Oh, r209, you get ignored everyday in real life. I'm not going to spoil your trolling on DL, of it gives you a little thrill

I don’t see any trolling here.

"Excuse me, Sir. I'm not familiar with that. Could you please explain that to me?"

“I have no triggers. Feel free to say anything around me.”

"I think women owe it to men to listen to their problems and support them once in a while".

I go by Miss, not Ms.

I love this shade of lipstick

"I like gay men [without qualification]"

"That cocktail dress is SO last season."

no I didn't major in Woman's Studies

I prefer fuck me pumps over Crocs.

That cock looks yummy!

I don't get the point of having pets. Why would I want a shit machine to feed and clean up after? And why a rescue? If someone dumped it off somewhere there's obviously something wrong with it!

"Honey, did you use my Clinique Pore Refining Solutions Charcoal Face Mask?"

I was a cheerleader in high school

R233 Except there are many lesbian cheerleaders.

"I lost 7 pounds this month!"

" Why can't lesbians be as good with their money as gay men"

I'm more of a cat person.

R237 That makes no sense. Lesbians are more of a cat persons.

"Let's become a throuple...with a man!"

Butch lesbians go for dogs. Femme ones go for cats.

I don’t need to tell you now. When the situation arises, we can discuss it then.

"Have another beer, Val. You're cute when you're drunk."

Does he present hole?

Hey where can I get some poppers and lube ?

Are you on PReP?

Is that a hair in my pie?

Turn off that wnba game.

"I'm saving for a new mink coat"

"Val, I'm leaving you for a woman with a penis."

"It's perfectly reasonable you didn't know what was going through my mind at that time."

I had my color chart done

I just had Jiffy Lube change my oil this time.

This summer, I had vagina rejuvenation done...next week I have by boobs done

Does my pussy STINK?

No, I don't keep up relationships with all my exes and go out with them and their partners all the time. That would be a little silly.

"I fantasize about men watching me and my gf have sex all the time, somehow it makes it even hotter"

I never heard of Jodie Foster.

That’s funny!

I'm actually wondering if you might have a gown a little more low-cut.

What a sad spectacle Sara made of herself twirling her tacky vagina cape.

I hate nutloaf.

I hate patchouli.

"Just put the tip in."

I love my body

i have a lot of gay men as friends

"I just hate short hair on women"

I swallow.

Have you seen this month's Vogue magazine?

"Cherchez la femme."

R258 Yeah, that's why there's so many lesbian comedians. Makes sense.

That guy is so hot.

Gotta go, I'm late for my barre class!

And none of them are funny R270. And don’t throw Rosie or Ellen in the mix. Neither of them are funny.

I'm thinking of going back to my husband.

"Do these yoga pants make me look fat?"

"I want in Miss Lindzee Belle's panties."

There are a lot more successful lesbian comics than there are gay male comics, r273. So, obviously the public disagrees with you. In fact, I can't think of any successful gay male comics. The few there are, are all awful.

patti labelle slapped me!

If you don’t find anyone on the below list funny, perhaps the humorless lesbian is you R273.

(Apologies that the picture is Ellen, I know you might need a trigger warning on that.)

R277 nobody’s talking about gay male comics here so why make the comparison?

I’m Not a lez R279 and your belaboring the point makes it obvious you are.

Ironic how what is supposed to be a COMEDIC thread that has been running pretty smoothly until now gets contentious with a elderlez becoming offended by a post implying lesbians are humourless. Tell me I am not alone in seeing the irony....

[quote] [R277] nobody’s talking about gay male comics here so why make the comparison?

It's an obvious comparison and it's fun. It's clear you can dish it out, but can't take it.

Things You Will Never Hear a Lesbian Say...

A genuinely funny joke.

r282 cries homophobia every time a gay male isn't exalted and thinks lesbians are not allowed to defend themselves.

Some of these are hysterical.

Gay men are extremely sexist against gay women. Never had this level of contempt from anyone outside of gay men. I wonder why that is.

Ladies, calm down.

Some of them are hysterical, even the R258 response is kind of funny in a heard it a million times before way.

R273 may be a man, but I am knighting him an honorary humorless lesbian. I am sorry if he can’t take a joke and is offended by my calling him that. But I do really mean it in good fun. Anyway please keep working on your material.

R279 ElderLez, on the list, Fortune Feimster was from Gastonia, NC. Two friends of mine in the town knew her. She is well-educated and quite diverse in talent. I understand she is a very nice person.

Sorry, I just don't see the humor in this. Most of these don't even make any sense. And gay men flip out over the slightest comparison to women and femininity, so obviously it's not in good fun, and they hate women. It's derisive and mean. People can tell the difference between good fun and derisive, mean-spirited "humor". Except certain lesbians who are trying to fit in apparently.

How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

...oh, nevermind.

"Thank you."

R273 I never said they were funny, just that there are many lesbian comedians. So the person that I was replying to who said we never heard a lesbian say: "This is funny" was wrong. That is all.

And meanwhile, a bunch of gay guys "canceling" Dave Chappelle for jokes. Take a look in the mirror, guys.

Actually, R295, it's the trannies who are cancelling Chappelle. The gays don't give a shit.

Almost 300 replies before it got ruined by a stinky pussy

Fuck me raw

Lighten up, girls.

I want him in me DEEPLY.

All these recent posts confirm mine at R258. All y’all are a bunch of humorless bitches.

Flannel is unflattering on women.

Pass the poppers.

I think gay men are just the right amount of promiscuous.

I like soft feminine ladies

"Mani pedi? My treat!"

Turn off Good Morning America !!!! I Can't Stand Robin Roberts !!!

Jodie Foster is such a turn off

I am 100% sure Cate Blanchett is 100% straight and it's useless to speculate otherwise.

I don't want to have sex with Demi Lovato.

Tom Cruise is still sexy

I love a hard, hairy, throbbing, pulsing, veiny uncut dick!

Move in together? This is only our third date!

I HATE Subarus.

Birkenstocks ? who wears those ?

“I’ll pay!”

Get that thing away from me!!!

my partner and I never fight

I love to laugh

I always have a positive outlook

^ Lesbians will say those last few things. They’re not true, but they’ll say them.

I hate bread pudding!

The 80s were less conservative than today

Live, Laugh, Love

Gay men have things worse than lesbians

“I would LOVE your advice!”

“Just because it turns me on to pretend I’m a man and some are dim enough to think acting according to stereotypes means they ‘are’ male, I’m not actually a man or boy”.

I smell cookies!

He has a BEAUTIFUL ass.

I know I'm one of them, but women are such dogs!

"I'm just so dizzy when it comes to math!"

"I'll pick up the tab."

That Lindsey Senator is so macho.

Birkenstock’s are ugly and uncomfortable.

I hate Oprah

I hate Hillary

I hate Gloria Steinem

I have close friends that are trans

"I am having a butt lift then a makeover."

"My vacation will be spent at Fire Island".

This should be titled stereotypical lesbians

"I'm proud to be a coal miner's daughter!"

[quote]That Lindsey Senator is so macho.

To be fair, you will never hear ANYONE say that.

"we could learn a lot from gay men"

U-Haul? Never heard of it.

I bet he's WELL HUNG.

"I can't twist the lid off this pickle jar!"

i hired a handyman

(To any man) Would you be so helpful as to explain this to me?*

"I wish men would come into this lesbian bar"

Softball is boring.

"No, I don't need fries with that."

small size please

"I can't wait for bikini season!"

“Look at the cock on him”.

Now dats da suck job!

I absolutely love the sweet creamy taste of cum on my tongue.

R355 Ummm, women's cum?

Are my seams straight?

"Does this tractor make me look fat?"

I love that show!

Is their a cartoon version?

“What do you think? The Louboutins or the Jimmy Choos?”

I am such a size queen!

I'm considering getting hair extensions.

"Val, I'm learning a lot in those Anger Management classes. "

[quote]Is their a cartoon version?

Oh, dear.

"Val, this restraining order is a real wake up call. I need to get a handle on my jealousy issues."

Condoleezza Rice isn't a lesbian.

That U Haul truck rental is too expensive.

I’m going out and not going to start a fight with someone.

"Date within my friend group?! Bleugh!"

"check out his bulge"

"I wish we had more men in our lives"

Tractor pulls are boring!

The Dorothy Hamill haircut is dated.

"Does this tool belt make me look fat?"

The mullet is out of style. Can we look at newer hairstyles?

I used to be a prostitute.

R376 Aileen Wuornos?

I've had enough to drink.

None for me. I'm on a diet.

What makes Italian men SO hot?

No more nutloaf!

"Let's face it: trans women know exactly how cis women experience the world."

I just want to have sex and go to sleep. Discussing our feelings about it afterwards isn’t necessary.

Can you open this jar for me?

What's a tool box for?

“I don’t know how to set up a tent.”

"I'm sorry."

Wanna check out Daddy1965's hole?

[quote] Things You Will Never Hear a Lesbian Say

I just love this thread, it is just hilarious.

Miss Lindsey is hot!

Ere long done do does did

Keeping Up with the Kardashians is my favorite show.

I got Caitlyn Jenner's autograph.

" I hate onion dip"

"Hold the mayo".

I have never been to therapy

Lilith Fair was hell on earth.

My front hole itches.

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!!! OMG His Dick Pics Leaks !!!

Is a 7-inch dick considered big?

Beaver Moon? Who Cares?

I LOVE the shape of a mans ass.

Of course you may eat my muff, it is freshly shaved.

R402- That's certainly something a gay male wouldn't be into- ewww

R403 You think, ya stupid cuntbag.

"I never leave the house without a spritz of Chanel No.5"

My girlfriend and partner never fight.

I would never attend Sarah Lawrence. Too many women there.

My honey and I would never go camping for vacation. We prefer Sandals resorts.

I go to Fire Island to hook-up with other lesbians.

I NEVER drink. Maybe a glass of wine at Christmas. I don't drink.

My lesbian friends and I, all voted for Pete Buttigieg during the primaries. None of us liked Liz Warren.

We're headed to the Trans Awareness & Celebration Day parade and march to show support.

-No, dont take too much off, I am growing my hair out

-I think I'll wear a bra today

-I dont bite my nails

Let's wait to move in together until we know each other better.

When I'm done with a woman, I'm done with her forever.

I strive for dignity.

Which one's the Phillips screwdriver?

I got pregnant the natural way. No turkey baster for me.

"I always love when someone compliments my outfit"

These jeans don't make my ass look big, do they?

Does this dress make me look fat?

I have a nail appointment at three. I love to keep my nails long.

I admit that Brad Pitt could turn me straight for one night.

I can't stand fish. Something about the smell just makes me sick.

"I don't mind people asking which one of us is the man in the relationship."

Gloria Steinem is coming up on NPR? How boring. I think I'll pass.

I have a salon appointment for the full afternoon to have a complete makeover.

I'm getting breast implants!

I'm a gentlemen's club stripper and can twirl my nipple pasties in opposite directions simultaneously.

I'm a lover, not a fighter.

-Im not jealous of the attractive waitress wearing a short skirt

-Where is the ladies underwear section?

-I really should shave my armpits before leaving the house

-That fringe leather jacket looks dated

"I wear my heart on my sleeve."

"The next round's on me!"

(At a lesbian bar.)

Hi. We've never met before.

I hate emotional, sensitive sex. I like a quick, hard pounding and that’s it.

I'm not interested in watching Sue Aikens on Life Below Zero.

No, I do not want to go camping this weekend.

Gay men's humor always cracks me up.

Especially when they ding lesbians.

I just let things roll off my back. It's better to let things go.

"Pi" is the ratio of a circle's circumference to its diameter.

I think trucks are too masculine for me to drive.

It's raining men!

I practice total acceptance of my friends.

I'm not attracted to women I chose to be a lesbian because I am a real feminist, a radical feminist and just hate men that much.

I don't like women sports.

Get ur sick out of my ass

One has to admit, Caitlyn jenner's fashionable look is fabulous!

I always wanted to have my own nail salon.

sensible shoes and haircuts make you look like a tranny, I'd rather be pretty and girly.

it's too soon for a commitment

I own too many cats.

Babe, could you call the plumber? I don't feel like getting my hands dirty!

Honey, I don't want to watch a college women's basketball game tonight. Let's try watching that RuPaul's Drag Race instead.

Extra tartar sauce please.

I don't believe her accusation against him.

r444 Alix, is that you?

I have natural tone and rhythm

I always tip more than I should

Sure, I dont mind waiting an extra few minutes to be seated.

I like being touched.

Live, Laugh, Love.

I hate this old disco song.

We adore Amanda Lear's femininity and talent.

Darling, let's not go to the oyster roast and keg party at the campground tonight. Let's stay in the RV and have chicken salad sandwiches, Colby cheese squares, and glasses of wine.

I wish gay men and gay women would find common ground and unite . We can have a lot of fun together.

R446, we always used to, out of necessity because the women’s scene was even less well served that that for gay men. I still have lesbian friends from my very young days. When we meet we always laugh about how precious things have become.

Sure, g'head, you can have the last beer.

"I'll just have a salad, thanks!"

Nan, hand me the iron, my plaid flannel shirt has a few wrinkles.

R469 But many lesbians are vegetarians or vegans, so your comment doesn't make any sense.

R471 Then why are so many of them so fat?

An all-Twinkie diet might be considered "vegetarian."

No, my knees never hurt and I've never needed a cane.

More than two dogs is too many. And one cat is plenty for any sane person.

I bought my dog at a cute pet shop in town.

R472 Are you really this dumb?

Chippendales is in town. Let's go!

Misandry is real!

I just love floral prints and chintz.

Where's my lint brush?

Stop Bashing our sisters!

Prince Andrew was framed!

“Your eyebrows are fierce, gurl! “

I want to scissor with Lindzeebelle.

Men find me sexy and attractive.

More jizz please