Hello and thank you for being a DL contributor. We are changing the login scheme for contributors for simpler login and to better support using multiple devices. Please click here to update your account with a username and password.

Hello. Some features on this site require registration. Please click here to register for free.

Hello and thank you for registering. Please complete the process by verifying your email address. If you can't find the email you can resend it here.

Hello. Some features on this site require a subscription. Please click here to get full access and no ads for $1.99 or less per month.

Let's Be a 1970s Variety Show!!

I'm the Bob Mackie gowns!

by Anonymousreply 249October 16, 2021 2:30 PM

I'm Special Guest Star Florence Henderson

by Anonymousreply 1October 11, 2021 5:18 PM

"Join us next week when Secretary of State Henry Kissinger stops by!"

by Anonymousreply 2October 11, 2021 5:19 PM

I'm Kaye Ballard singing "The Morning After"

by Anonymousreply 3October 11, 2021 5:21 PM

I am Mitzi Gaynor’s fabulous tushy covered in bugle beads decades before J LO and Kim K flaunted their backsides.

by Anonymousreply 4October 11, 2021 5:23 PM

I am the Ernie Flatt Dancers.

by Anonymousreply 5October 11, 2021 5:24 PM

I'm tight pants. Mac Davis and Tom Jones really fill me out. David Cassidy, not so much.

by Anonymousreply 6October 11, 2021 5:26 PM

"Ladies and Gentleman The Don Crichton Dancers."

by Anonymousreply 7October 11, 2021 5:30 PM

The beat goes on, the beat goes on Drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain La de da de de, la de da de da

by Anonymousreply 8October 11, 2021 5:32 PM

Sock it to me?

by Anonymousreply 9October 11, 2021 5:34 PM

I'm the large collar-ed studio audience,

by Anonymousreply 10October 11, 2021 5:35 PM

I’m Sonny Bono trying out my solo variety show. It was like running into a brick wall.

by Anonymousreply 11October 11, 2021 5:41 PM

I'm America's favorite gay.

by Anonymousreply 12October 11, 2021 5:47 PM

I'm guest star Bernadette Peters!

by Anonymousreply 13October 11, 2021 5:52 PM

We're the one-hit wonder singing group who got our own network show!

by Anonymousreply 14October 11, 2021 5:56 PM

I'm Steve and Eydie!!

by Anonymousreply 15October 11, 2021 6:00 PM

I'm...fringe.

by Anonymousreply 16October 11, 2021 6:00 PM

I’m the Flying Fickle Finger of Fate.

by Anonymousreply 17October 11, 2021 6:03 PM

I'm a V-A-M-P...

by Anonymousreply 18October 11, 2021 6:03 PM

I'm Donny's purple socks!

by Anonymousreply 19October 11, 2021 6:06 PM

I'm a summer replacement series!

by Anonymousreply 20October 11, 2021 6:10 PM

I'm Shields and Yarnell

by Anonymousreply 21October 11, 2021 6:10 PM

I'm the comic sketch where everyone keeps breaking up because they want people to know it's supposed to be funny otherwise it would come off like Mourning Becomes Electra.

by Anonymousreply 22October 11, 2021 6:11 PM

I'm Jim Nabors singing a Christmas favorite on The Carol Burnett Show in my deepest, most masculine baritone wondering if people believe the rumor about me marrying Rock Hudson.

by Anonymousreply 23October 11, 2021 6:11 PM

I'm Lola Falana, stepping in at the last-minute for Joey Heatherton.

by Anonymousreply 24October 11, 2021 6:12 PM

And now Madeline Kahn will sing Silent Night as credits roll...

I hope you enjoyed our Christmas Special!

by Anonymousreply 25October 11, 2021 6:14 PM

Remember when Saturday Night Live was canceled.

by Anonymousreply 26October 11, 2021 6:19 PM

I'm the leather outfits (though Johnny Nash looked good wearing me).

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 27October 11, 2021 6:23 PM

I'm John Byner and you don't even remember me.

by Anonymousreply 28October 11, 2021 7:02 PM

r26 That was actually the REAL "Saturday Night Live," as what we now call SNL was originally titled "NBC's Saturday Night."

by Anonymousreply 29October 11, 2021 7:20 PM

I'm the Little Drummer Boy.

by Anonymousreply 30October 11, 2021 7:29 PM

I'm the guy running lights... we're now at the part where the stage is dimly lit, there's a staircase on stage left. Upstage are a number of gauzy "curtains", elegantly draped. Four steps up from the stage is the star of the show. She's in shadow.

The music begins to swell, the curtains move as fans off stage whir... and the male dancers enter from the wings.

3 - 2 - 1, lights up! She starts to sing, moves down the stairs as the dancers move in and crowd around...

A few more minutes and the performance will be over. The set will change, the audience will get a break to stretch. I'll leave the rest of the show to my assistant, leave the booth, head out back, have a smoke, talk to the guard.

Another night in glamorous Hollywood (well, Burbank really, that's where we shoot this shit).

by Anonymousreply 31October 11, 2021 7:42 PM

I'm Linda Lavin singing "What I Did for Love"

by Anonymousreply 32October 11, 2021 7:45 PM

I'm "Feelings."

by Anonymousreply 33October 11, 2021 7:58 PM

I'm one of the guest stars who ended up on Hollywood squares or The Love Boat because variety shows died because the audience died off.

by Anonymousreply 34October 11, 2021 8:06 PM

I’m the Water Follies inexplicably costumed with a 1920s vibe, replete with Hanna-Barbera cartoon sound effects.even though comedic swimming is a pretty impossible task.

by Anonymousreply 35October 11, 2021 8:47 PM

I'm Sebastian Cabot singing "Shannon," that song about the dog that died.

by Anonymousreply 36October 11, 2021 8:52 PM

I’m the gigantic light bulbs that line the stage built for a studio audience.

by Anonymousreply 37October 11, 2021 9:20 PM

I’m jokes about streaking, gas prices, Nixon, disco, women’s lib, and Calgon.

by Anonymousreply 38October 11, 2021 9:23 PM

I'm the very non-musical b-list tv star embarrassing myself by signing and dancing in the finale. Extra points for a disco-themed finale.

by Anonymousreply 39October 11, 2021 9:26 PM

R39 Joyce Bulifant?

by Anonymousreply 40October 11, 2021 9:36 PM

I’m the token Black dancer.

by Anonymousreply 41October 11, 2021 9:37 PM

We're Will Geer and Ellen Corby dressed like hippies.

by Anonymousreply 42October 11, 2021 9:42 PM

I'm the comedy sketch with a TV star no one has ever laughed at.

by Anonymousreply 43October 11, 2021 9:48 PM

We are Pink Lady!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 44October 11, 2021 9:50 PM

I'm the mustaches.

by Anonymousreply 45October 11, 2021 9:54 PM

I'm Fake Jan. By the 2020s, I'll be better liked than the real Cindy!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 46October 11, 2021 10:05 PM

I'm Telly Savalas, singing on multiple variety shows for -- who the hell knows why?

by Anonymousreply 47October 11, 2021 10:11 PM

I'm Shields & Yarnell, the mime couple who took America by storm and then were quickly forgotten when the mime craze ended in tears.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 48October 11, 2021 10:19 PM

I’m Vicki Lawrence singing my number 1 hit song “The Night the Lights Went Out In Georgia”! With a kicky bowl cut and a gingham shirt!

by Anonymousreply 49October 11, 2021 10:25 PM

I'm the seamless backdrop of the stage, which could be lit with any color light. It was supposed to look like the perforners were floating in air or something. But even on TV you could see the seam where the floor curved up to meet the backdrop.

by Anonymousreply 50October 11, 2021 10:30 PM

I’m the enormous corded microphone (pristine white if I’m a real diva) that will more than likely become a featured prop in my performance.

by Anonymousreply 51October 11, 2021 10:44 PM

I'm Carol Burnett...tugging on my ear lobe at the end of the show.

by Anonymousreply 52October 11, 2021 10:58 PM

Tie A Yellow Ribbon is sung on our show because it was our #1 hit!

by Anonymousreply 53October 11, 2021 11:03 PM

Guest starring Lee Majors & Farrah Fawcett Majors.

by Anonymousreply 54October 11, 2021 11:04 PM

We're Sid and Marty Krofft!

by Anonymousreply 55October 11, 2021 11:05 PM

I am Helen Reddy and “I Am Woman”…..

by Anonymousreply 56October 11, 2021 11:07 PM

I’m the brother who Mom always liked best.

by Anonymousreply 57October 11, 2021 11:07 PM

That was the 1960s.

by Anonymousreply 58October 11, 2021 11:08 PM

I am the Smothers Brothers, Flip Wilson, and Sammy Davis Jr.

by Anonymousreply 59October 11, 2021 11:09 PM

We're the Hudson Brothers. We got relegated to Saturday morning TV with the cartoons. All dressed up in white jumpsuits and blow dried hair with no place to go.

by Anonymousreply 60October 11, 2021 11:11 PM

I'm Suzanne Somers, singing the lyrics to "The Hustle" while simultaneously performing The Hustle in a silver sequined gown with white fringe.

by Anonymousreply 61October 11, 2021 11:12 PM

I am Rich Little & John Davidson.

by Anonymousreply 62October 11, 2021 11:12 PM

I’m the Christmas carol medley re-mixed to a flashing disco beat with a chorus line of dancers wearing matching sequined vests and top hats doing the “Alley Cat”.

by Anonymousreply 63October 11, 2021 11:14 PM

I am unabashedly and unapologetically culturally insensitive.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 64October 11, 2021 11:14 PM

I’m a little bit country…

I’m a little bit rock n’ roll.

by Anonymousreply 65October 11, 2021 11:15 PM

I'm special guest star, Ruth Buzzi

by Anonymousreply 66October 11, 2021 11:17 PM

I’m guest star Jonathan Winters, Ernest Borgnine.

by Anonymousreply 67October 11, 2021 11:18 PM

I’m guest star Ted Knight!

by Anonymousreply 68October 11, 2021 11:19 PM

I'm the cuchi-cuchi girl, not yet out of grade school.

by Anonymousreply 69October 11, 2021 11:19 PM

[quote]Remember when Saturday Night Live was canceled. —The one hosted by Howard Cosell, after a dozen episodes

I'm Lee Majors, singing (?) "Windmills of Your Mind" on said canceled variety show. I'm praying that clip has been destroyed.

by Anonymousreply 70October 11, 2021 11:20 PM

My name is Raymond J. Johnson, Jr...

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 71October 11, 2021 11:21 PM

I'm Joanna Pettet, performing a musical number with the June Taylor Dancers, here to promote my ABC TV Movie of the Week, "The Dark Side of Innocence."

by Anonymousreply 72October 11, 2021 11:22 PM

Lee Majors manager tried like hell to break him out of the boring TV actor mode.

R71, my dad thought that guy’s skit was hilarious. I never got it.

by Anonymousreply 73October 11, 2021 11:23 PM

I'm the splashy finale, devoted to a universal theme such as the Golden Age of Hollywood or America. Ice skating and/or "dancing waters" will be involved.

by Anonymousreply 74October 11, 2021 11:26 PM

I'm KC, temporarily leaving the Sunshine Band to join up and coming one hit wonder Teri Desario and perform our hit song, "Yes, I'm Ready."

by Anonymousreply 75October 11, 2021 11:27 PM

I'm Lola Heatherton's tragic comeback attempt, "Bouncin' Back to You!"

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 76October 11, 2021 11:27 PM

I’m the DeFranco Family.

by Anonymousreply 77October 11, 2021 11:28 PM

I confused Lily Tomlin’s Ernestine character with the similar looking character that Cher did.

by Anonymousreply 78October 11, 2021 11:31 PM

I'm bugle beads, sequins, and Marabou feathers, and I am EVERYwhere.

by Anonymousreply 79October 11, 2021 11:32 PM

I’m the Mr Tudball and Miss Whiggins skit on The Carol Burnett Show.

by Anonymousreply 80October 11, 2021 11:33 PM

I'm the Captain and Tennille, performing a skit about a squabbling couple stuck in an elevator. The part of the bumbling elevator operator is played by John Byner.

by Anonymousreply 81October 11, 2021 11:34 PM

I'm Rod Hull and my emu.

Bonus appearance by the Hudson Brothers.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 82October 11, 2021 11:35 PM

We're tonight's sponsors, Buick, Pearl Drops, Life cereal, Femiron, and Short & Sassy.

by Anonymousreply 83October 11, 2021 11:36 PM

We're the complex multitalents of Kristy and Jimmy McNichol.

by Anonymousreply 84October 11, 2021 11:37 PM

I'm Madame!

by Anonymousreply 85October 11, 2021 11:37 PM

I'm Geraldine.

by Anonymousreply 86October 11, 2021 11:38 PM

We're the jiggling, scantily clad showgirls pretending to find Paul Lynde hot.

by Anonymousreply 87October 11, 2021 11:42 PM

I’m hiphuggers and VPL on everyone from Barry Williams to Jimmy Durante

by Anonymousreply 88October 11, 2021 11:44 PM

I'm Julie Andrews. Even someone of my caliber will have a variety show.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 89October 11, 2021 11:45 PM

I’m Bea Arthur, bellowing/mooing out some dour, down tempo song.

by Anonymousreply 90October 11, 2021 11:46 PM

I'm the devil that beckoned Geraldine Jones.

by Anonymousreply 91October 11, 2021 11:47 PM

I'm Claudia Lamb, seething that Quinn Cummings keeps landing the "lovable smart-aleck kid" guest spots over me.

by Anonymousreply 92October 11, 2021 11:48 PM

Were the dynamite duo of Bing and Bowie.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 93October 11, 2021 11:51 PM

"Even someone of my caliber"?? Julie Andrews had been voted America's #1 box office star twice just ten years earlier.

by Anonymousreply 94October 11, 2021 11:52 PM

I'm the hot bearded guy with the great ass among the Ernie Flatt Dancers.

by Anonymousreply 95October 11, 2021 11:53 PM

I'm Lena Zavaroni!

by Anonymousreply 96October 11, 2021 11:56 PM

I'm the applause track, that is edited in later just in case the audience wasn't enthusiastic enough with their applause. I seem to have a strange tinny quality that the rest of the show's sound doesn't have.

Also, I'm the audience shivering in the freezing cold studio.

by Anonymousreply 97October 11, 2021 11:58 PM

I am the Go-Go Boots!

by Anonymousreply 98October 12, 2021 12:13 AM

I'm Donny and Marie singing Reeling In The Years by Steely Dan, without benefit of reefer.

by Anonymousreply 99October 12, 2021 12:14 AM

I'm Paul Williams, singing all the songs I wrote that other people sang and made famous. I'm so odd looking it is amazing they allowed me on tee vee.

by Anonymousreply 100October 12, 2021 12:15 AM

I'm Julie Andrews, recreating some of my biggest stage roles (MY FAIR LADY, CAMELOT, THE BOY FRIEND), and other with high production values, but I'm losing ratings (though still winning Emmys) to my special friend Carol Burnet, whose show is on the same time as mine, but who's been established on tv for year and who has a great lead-in of shows on CBS.

by Anonymousreply 101October 12, 2021 12:16 AM

I'm "Just the Way You Are," perhaps the most popular song sung by guest stars of any level of celebrity who wanted to sing. Linda Lavin WORE ME THE FUCK OUT!

by Anonymousreply 102October 12, 2021 12:18 AM

I'm the single second or two of laugh track that still is used the first few seconds of every "Saturday Night Live' before a single visual is seen or a word is said. Probably taped back in the 1970s.

by Anonymousreply 103October 12, 2021 12:18 AM

I'm Lou Christie with beard and 1970s haircut, packing tightly into blue jeans on display as I sing.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 104October 12, 2021 12:19 AM

I'm the animated version of Helen Reddy's hit single "Angie Baby."

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 105October 12, 2021 12:20 AM

And I'm the animated version of Cher's "Dark Lady."

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 106October 12, 2021 12:22 AM

We're Kraft Foods, sponsoring the Christmas variety special and buying ALL the commercial spots. Be sure to save the TV Guide insert as well.

(I couldn't find a 70s-era clip, but they did exist)

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 107October 12, 2021 12:23 AM

I'm Miss Kate Smith belting "Slow Ride" by Foghat.

by Anonymousreply 108October 12, 2021 12:24 AM

[Quote]I'm Miss Kate Smith belting "Slow Ride" by Foghat.

I'm also singing a Beatles medley with Cher [italic]and[/italic] Tina Turner!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 109October 12, 2021 12:30 AM

We're props from "Rowan & Martin's Laugh-in," sitting in the sun behind a chain link fence at the NBC studios in Burbank, and plainly visible from the 134 Freeway westbound.

by Anonymousreply 110October 12, 2021 12:30 AM

I’m Anne Murray in high heels for the very first time!

by Anonymousreply 111October 12, 2021 12:38 AM

We're Beautiful Downtown Burbank!

by Anonymousreply 112October 12, 2021 12:38 AM

I'm Sally Struthers, feeling all the feelings to a medley of "I Don't Know to Love Him" and "As Long as He Needs Me."

by Anonymousreply 113October 12, 2021 12:39 AM

I'm "cuchi-cuchi."

by Anonymousreply 114October 12, 2021 12:41 AM

I'm Ann-Margret and Lucille Ball as "Autograph Annie and Celebrity Lu"!

by Anonymousreply 115October 12, 2021 12:41 AM

I'm the piles and piles of coke and weed made available to everyone.

EVERYONE

by Anonymousreply 116October 12, 2021 12:42 AM

^ Tell me about it!

by Anonymousreply 117October 12, 2021 12:42 AM

[quote]I'm Donny and Marie singing Reeling In The Years by Steely Dan, without benefit of reefer.

We're Donny and Marie singing Sam & Dave's "Hold On, I'm Coming" as if it were about a St. Bernard in the Swiss Alps.

by Anonymousreply 118October 12, 2021 12:43 AM

I'm the multimillion-dollar ad spot marking the debut of Petulant, the bewitching new fragrance by Prince Matchabelli.

by Anonymousreply 119October 12, 2021 12:44 AM

They air my commercial during all of the late 70s variety shows. I’m Shelley Hack for Charlie!

by Anonymousreply 120October 12, 2021 12:56 AM

The Lynda Carter special on CBS!

by Anonymousreply 121October 12, 2021 12:57 AM

I’m the Golddiggers. Or Dean’s glass of apple juice.

by Anonymousreply 122October 12, 2021 1:05 AM

I’m also the spread in TV Guide full of recipes from Kraft Music Hall.

by Anonymousreply 123October 12, 2021 1:07 AM

I'm fabulous.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 124October 12, 2021 1:11 AM

(oh fuck, I was a year early. Sorry.)

by Anonymousreply 125October 12, 2021 1:11 AM

I'm Miss Lola Falana playing a sultry Indian maiden in a Thanksgiving skit.

by Anonymousreply 126October 12, 2021 1:14 AM

[quote]I'm "Just the Way You Are," perhaps the most popular song sung by guest stars of any level of celebrity who wanted to sing. Linda Lavin WORE ME THE FUCK OUT!

I'm the stage manager in the wings, begging on my hands and knees for her to wind up the scatting after the final chorus.

by Anonymousreply 127October 12, 2021 1:17 AM

As telethons sort of count as variety shows with their various acts, I'm Jerry Lewis, year after year, trying to get all emotional by singing "You'll Never Walk Alone" and not intentionally being ironic (I think) at ... the Muscular Distrophy Telethon among and to crippled children!

by Anonymousreply 128October 12, 2021 1:20 AM

I'm "Easter Seals", the wildest Cassavetes film ever made!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 129October 12, 2021 1:20 AM

I'm Lyle Waggoner. I'm the hunky cast member of the Carol Burnett Show who appears shirtless in every episode.

I told you I was getting naked in Playgirl. The fact is, I was naked. Those wispy pubic hairs are all mine. I provided the biggest disappointment for all of my fans. But, maybe next time...

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 130October 12, 2021 1:25 AM

On closer inspection, it looks like Lyle trimmed a bit down there even back then! He did have a great bod on the show, especially nice to see his raise his arm and expose nice hairy pits, like during a take-off of a deodorant commercial.

by Anonymousreply 131October 12, 2021 1:30 AM

We're the Hager Twins! We showed more in Playgirl than Lyle Waggoner did. Yeah, we were surprised, too.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 132October 12, 2021 1:31 AM

I'm Ed Herlihy, who narrated all of those Kraft commercials.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 133October 12, 2021 1:31 AM

Rip Torn

by Anonymousreply 134October 12, 2021 1:34 AM

We're International Special Guests Buffy Sainte-Marie, Kenneth Williams, and Lana Cantrell.

by Anonymousreply 135October 12, 2021 1:35 AM

What did he rip and what was torn? And what variety show was he on?

by Anonymousreply 136October 12, 2021 1:35 AM

Caterina Valente -- and since "Ed Sullivan Show" lasted into about 1971, Topo Gigio.

by Anonymousreply 137October 12, 2021 1:36 AM

I’m the sequins…every color, every shape, every size. On men, women, children…nothing looked better on antenna TV than sequins.

by Anonymousreply 138October 12, 2021 1:38 AM

I’m the name on everybody’s lips during the commercial break: Rula Lenska.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 139October 12, 2021 1:51 AM

I mean, they could have hired Shani Wallis -- most U.S. folks knew who she was from "Oliver!" and she could at least sing really well.

by Anonymousreply 140October 12, 2021 1:53 AM

Shanni had to wait for the 80s to strut her sequined stuff

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 141October 12, 2021 1:57 AM

I'm this:

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 142October 12, 2021 2:14 AM

I'm the leading lady playing Charlie Chaplin. I swing my cane around a lot and twitch my moustache.

by Anonymousreply 143October 12, 2021 2:14 AM

[quote] "I confused Lily Tomlin’s Ernestine character with the similar looking character that Cher did."

That's Laverne (misspelled in the link), R78.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 144October 12, 2021 2:15 AM

I'm Toni Tennille, in my mushroom hair-do, grinning from ear to ear, singing "Love Will Keep Us Together." I will do this on every variety show in existence.

by Anonymousreply 145October 12, 2021 2:22 AM

I’m the gaudy, oversized tinsel draped from floor to ceiling on every Brit TV show in the 70s.

by Anonymousreply 146October 12, 2021 2:36 AM

I’m the shaved arm pits on all the male Ernie Flatt dancers.

by Anonymousreply 147October 12, 2021 2:37 AM

I'm Cher trying to keep up with Patti Labelle, Sarah Dash and Nona Hendrix.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 148October 12, 2021 2:39 AM

I'm the live studio orchestra, conducted by Peter Matz!

by Anonymousreply 149October 12, 2021 2:45 AM

R148 Almost as noteworthy as Dinah Shore trying to keep up with Leontyne Price and Ella Fitzgerald!

by Anonymousreply 150October 12, 2021 2:57 AM

I’m the super classy use of blackface in always tasteful Britain.

Everybody dance!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 151October 12, 2021 3:06 AM

I'm Paul Sand, and I don't really know where I belong.

by Anonymousreply 152October 12, 2021 3:21 AM

I'm Television City! In Hollywood!

by Anonymousreply 153October 12, 2021 3:41 AM

I’m Carol Lawrence, still coasting on my association with West Side Story.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 154October 12, 2021 3:58 AM

I'm poor little Lena Zavaroni, belting out songs and mugging for the camera. When the variety shows died so did my career.

by Anonymousreply 155October 12, 2021 3:59 AM

I'm the frantic off-stage worker who flips the APPLAUSE sign switch on and runs out waving my arms up frantically, beggin the audience to keep applauding.

by Anonymousreply 156October 12, 2021 4:02 AM

I’m the 70’s wardrobe stylist who brought Holly Hobbie chic into the American mainstream fashion. Beware the bonnet.

by Anonymousreply 157October 12, 2021 4:20 AM

I'm super-gay Rip Taylor but it's okay cause I'm here just to throw confetti.

by Anonymousreply 158October 12, 2021 4:26 AM

We're 60% of the audience born in the 1920s so we don't mind watching the Lennon Sisters.

by Anonymousreply 159October 12, 2021 4:30 AM

[quote]I’m Carol Lawrence, still coasting on my association with West Side Story.

And General Foods International Coffees. Go celebrate the moments of your life, bitch.

by Anonymousreply 160October 12, 2021 4:32 AM

I'm Perry Como's travel agent.

by Anonymousreply 161October 12, 2021 4:34 AM

I'm the backstage buffet that Karen didn't eat but Harvey Korman did on the Carpenters Christmas Show.

by Anonymousreply 162October 12, 2021 4:41 AM

Oh, Karen sampled that buffet.

And I’m the vomit stained toilet that can prove it.

by Anonymousreply 163October 12, 2021 5:07 AM

I’m the phallic imagery in r105 that got passed the censors.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 164October 12, 2021 10:04 AM

I’m that same imagery enjoyed by the artist in r106.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 165October 12, 2021 10:06 AM

I’m lattice.

by Anonymousreply 166October 12, 2021 10:10 AM

R155, She was mistreated and mismanaged. It was a tragedy waiting to happen.

by Anonymousreply 167October 12, 2021 10:22 AM

We're Bobby Van and Elaine Joyce, dancing to a medley of 1970s movie theme songs, from "The Morning After " to "Gonna Fly Now."

by Anonymousreply 168October 12, 2021 1:43 PM

I’m the fact that variety shows > reality shows.

by Anonymousreply 169October 12, 2021 1:44 PM

I'm Professor Irwin Corey, making a guest appearance in a skit featuring Ann-Margret as a single woman looking for love on a single's cruise.

by Anonymousreply 170October 12, 2021 1:46 PM

I’m Donna McKechnie dancing away with the rest of the dancers, and dreaming of that hunk choreographer Michael Bennett. I’m going to marry him one day, and we will have a normal, heterosexual life.

by Anonymousreply 171October 12, 2021 2:22 PM

I'm Phyllis Diller, and I'm available at a moment's notice.

by Anonymousreply 172October 12, 2021 3:20 PM

I'm Carmelita Pope for PAM.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 173October 12, 2021 3:24 PM

I'm the coupon for 7¢ off a jar of Cheez Whiz printed on the corner of a page of TV Guide magazine, with a banner on the same page ad announcing the Andy Williams Christmas Special presented by Kraft, December 12 at 8:00 (7:00 Central).

by Anonymousreply 174October 12, 2021 3:44 PM

I'm the Unknown Comic!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 175October 12, 2021 3:46 PM

I'm also the Mandrell sisters' big hair bouncing around while they do a country music medley complete with fiddle and xylophone.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 176October 12, 2021 3:49 PM

I'm the white linoleum stage floor upon which you can sometimes see small pieces of black tape so the stars know where to stand.

by Anonymousreply 177October 12, 2021 4:40 PM

I'm ingenue Tovah Feldshuh, fresh off my Broadway debut in the musical "Cyrano," putting forth my best singing and twirling efforts, hoping to land a TV part or two and get me the hell out of New York.

by Anonymousreply 178October 12, 2021 4:44 PM

I'm the Cuervo Gold AND the fine Columbian.

by Anonymousreply 179October 12, 2021 5:01 PM

I'm Marlo Thomas and Friends

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 180October 12, 2021 5:06 PM

[quote]I'm the Cuervo Gold AND the fine Columbian.

You're an Ivy Leaguer?

by Anonymousreply 181October 12, 2021 5:13 PM

Rula Lenska went up in my estimation when I heard the story of her being caught backstage while she was in panto, and she was enthusiastically fucking a dwarf.

by Anonymousreply 182October 12, 2021 5:33 PM

I'm Teresa Graves performing the theme from Shaft in a purple halter top and bell bottom pants.

by Anonymousreply 183October 12, 2021 5:36 PM

We're the post-Diana Ross Supremes, and we still exist as a group! Here we are singing a cover of Joni Mitchell's "All I Want" on Sonny & Cher.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 184October 12, 2021 7:47 PM

I'm the fully-staged Elvis tribute medley that was required by law of all variety specials from September 1977 through 1978.

by Anonymousreply 185October 12, 2021 8:12 PM

I'm Miyoshi Goddamn Umeki, motherfuckers. I'm on my best demure and flower-like behavior, but if Helen Lawson makes one more joke about my slanted pussy, she's getting punched in the cunt. DO NOT TEST ME.

by Anonymousreply 186October 12, 2021 8:12 PM

I'm the Maude lookalike who jump status chance to get on stage and sing a duet with Carol Burnett, having the nerve to tell her that she screwed up the song.

by Anonymousreply 187October 12, 2021 8:18 PM

I'm the Maude lookalike who jump status chance to get on stage and sing a duet with Carol Burnett, having the nerve to tell her that she screwed up the song.

by Anonymousreply 188October 12, 2021 8:18 PM

I'm Hee Haw!, the rural alternative to Laugh In, which was way too liberal for rural white Christian folk in America!

by Anonymousreply 189October 12, 2021 8:25 PM

I am celebrated photographer Harry Langdon, doing the gallery shoot for the press kits and promos. My work is sexy, glitzy, flashy, and kitschy--everything that embodies '70s excess. All we need is more coke.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 190October 12, 2021 8:53 PM

Hey Tovah at R178... how'd that work out for ya?

For years the Danielle Melnick role maintained your union health insurance and you managed a 'career' on stage in the tri-state area - I hear you're big in parts of Jersey.

You ain't goin' west babe and I'm thinking you're hoping for a few episodes of the upcoming L&O re-launch.

by Anonymousreply 191October 12, 2021 9:27 PM

I'm Jimmy McNichol. My sister Kristy and I put out one record album and ABC gave us a variety show.

I once hosted my own variety special with guests Conrad Bain, Jeff Conaway, Magic Johnson, Donna Pescow and Ricky Schroeder.

And of course, Kristy.

by Anonymousreply 192October 12, 2021 9:47 PM

I'm the "tribute to America" song medley honoring the Bicentennial celebration in 1976.

by Anonymousreply 193October 12, 2021 10:07 PM

I’m the bugle bead used to snort a teeny tiny bit of coke.

by Anonymousreply 194October 12, 2021 11:17 PM

I'm the nightly "Bicentennail Minute" on CBS all year.

by Anonymousreply 195October 12, 2021 11:34 PM

Bicentennial

by Anonymousreply 196October 12, 2021 11:35 PM

I’m the Tab and Tareyton 100s many a housewife enjoyed while watching this dreck.

by Anonymousreply 197October 12, 2021 11:47 PM

[quote]R190 I am celebrated photographer Harry Langdon, doing the gallery shoot for the press kits and promos. My work is sexy, glitzy, flashy, and kitschy--everything that embodies '70s excess. All we need is more coke.

I met him in his studio and got a tour around 1995, and he was extremely gracious. Really a gentleman.

I told him how much I liked his portrait of Cheryl Ladd in a gold dress, and he said it’s always reprinted with the wrong color values. The red background never registers as the right shade.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming…

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 198October 13, 2021 12:01 AM

I’m the mysteriously blackballed Roslyn Kind. Will work for bagels.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 199October 13, 2021 12:04 AM

I'm the real talent. They needed me to save their otherwise snore fest. I'm the thankless, background roller skater in fringe. Headband, short shorts, striped tube socks and rhinestone bedazzled to the max. Hotter than the sun.

by Anonymousreply 200October 13, 2021 12:27 AM

I'm the overhyped underwhelming Up With People Superbowl halftime show.

by Anonymousreply 201October 13, 2021 1:11 AM

I’m an Afro. Everyone has me.

by Anonymousreply 202October 13, 2021 1:23 AM

We're the Brady Bunch in our variety hour!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 203October 13, 2021 1:38 AM

Barbara Feldon!

Classy broad.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 204October 13, 2021 1:51 AM

I’m Lainie Kazan appearing on the Bobby Vinton Show for the 19th time. I’m the toast of Toronto!!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 205October 13, 2021 2:42 AM

I'm Susan Olsen pretending to not be racist on The Brady Bunch Variety Hour.

by Anonymousreply 206October 13, 2021 3:18 AM

R206, I had to google that. Homophobia yes, but I didn't find racism. What's the story there?

by Anonymousreply 207October 13, 2021 3:20 AM

R207, she's a HUGE Trump supporter and seems terrified that people of color are going to invade the country.

by Anonymousreply 208October 13, 2021 3:22 AM

I'm a young-ish writer, wondering if a lame takeoff of Star Wars is really all that I'm capable of.

by Anonymousreply 209October 13, 2021 3:53 AM

I'm Dom deLuise, and if Phyllis Diller isn't available, I can fill in!

by Anonymousreply 210October 13, 2021 4:00 AM

[Quote]I’m an Afro. Everyone has me.

Damn it if you ain't right.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 211October 13, 2021 9:51 AM

Was Jerry on amphetamines or cocaine or both [R128]? He was obviously on something because his temper would grow pret-ty short towards the end of that telethon. The whole idea of him being awake for the whole thing is now ludicrous.

by Anonymousreply 212October 13, 2021 3:23 PM

I'm the opening number "You've got the cutest little baby face" sung by the Bradys!

by Anonymousreply 213October 13, 2021 4:26 PM

I'm the Star Wars variety show Christmas special which is the worst thing anyone has seen in their lives in any medium.

by Anonymousreply 214October 13, 2021 5:49 PM

We're the King Family. Every year during the holidays, they'd roll out all 237 of us, then they'd put us away like a dusty old box of ornaments.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 215October 15, 2021 1:43 AM

Were these King Family people friends of the tv station owners? How did they get on tv? Did they have an "in" with the Lennon Sisters?

by Anonymousreply 216October 15, 2021 2:35 AM

I'm Dean Jones singing "Being Alive," while wishing I'd never left the Broadway production of Company, but hoping the casting director for Disney is really in the audience like my agent said.

by Anonymousreply 217October 15, 2021 2:37 AM

Whole families of singers! How dumb.

by Anonymousreply 218October 15, 2021 2:38 AM

I don't remember the King Family, but reading their Wikipedia entry, it's funny that their variety show was a replacement for "The Outer Limits"!

by Anonymousreply 219October 15, 2021 2:38 AM

I don't remember the King Family having a series; I just remember specials of them popping up around the holidays, especially with clips of one of most least favorite Christmas songs, 'The Little Drummer Boy", ba rump pump pump pum! Bah humbug!!!

by Anonymousreply 220October 15, 2021 2:47 AM

I remember the King family series. You'd hear songs like Red Roses For a Blue Lady. I remember when the Time Tunnel and The Monkees were in prime time. The 60s were idyllic if you were a white child in a suburban neighborhood.

Now it seems like it was a nightmare for just about everyone else.

by Anonymousreply 221October 15, 2021 5:00 AM

I'm disco!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 222October 15, 2021 8:19 AM

r222 Wow, for being so musically gifted, Richard sure was an uncoordinated doofus. And hey look, Suzanne Somers!

by Anonymousreply 223October 15, 2021 8:52 AM

I am the coupling that should have happened. "Ladies and gentlemen, Cass Elliot...with the Muppets!!!".

by Anonymousreply 224October 15, 2021 9:02 AM

I’m guest stars who actually rehearsed harmonies and dance moves for hours with hosts and other guest stars in order to be featured in a corny, albeit well-produced musical number. I do miss that. The closest thing stars come to collaborating (competition shows don’t count) is the Super Bowl, and that’s usually haphazardly thrown together, and involves no harmony or complicated choreography.

by Anonymousreply 225October 15, 2021 10:32 AM

R139) I’m Rula Lenska and friends are here from Europe.

by Anonymousreply 226October 15, 2021 12:14 PM

R225 speaks the truth.

by Anonymousreply 227October 15, 2021 1:59 PM

Carol Burnett's takeoff on the King Family. Funny.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 228October 15, 2021 2:30 PM

I'm Mitzi Gaynor's 100-Load Weekend

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 229October 15, 2021 2:33 PM

We are the delightful Semonski Sisters in our matching frocks stitched together by our dear nana. We bring wholesome goodness into your home, like a breath of fresh air or a ray of sunshine.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 230October 15, 2021 3:48 PM

I'm Geraldine. The devil made me do it.

by Anonymousreply 231October 15, 2021 4:02 PM

R230 That little "boom" girl is frightening - like a child of the corn.

by Anonymousreply 232October 15, 2021 4:03 PM

Jack Albertson was Mitzi's co-star? What the fuck kind of musical special is that?

by Anonymousreply 233October 15, 2021 4:25 PM

Featuring KRAFT man-pleasing recipes!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 234October 15, 2021 4:30 PM

R234 I love that Clifton Davis refused to kiss her germ-infested lips.

by Anonymousreply 235October 15, 2021 4:33 PM

We're the Harlem Globetrotters. We had a (very) short-lived Saturday morning variety show called Popcorn Machine, featuring Rodney Allen Rippy & Avery Schreiber.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 236October 15, 2021 5:41 PM

And Goldie Hawn had us on her 1978 special...

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 237October 15, 2021 5:46 PM

R234, and that there is why there was an outbreak of herpes simplex throughout the Hollywood community later that week.

by Anonymousreply 238October 15, 2021 9:58 PM

Why was “baby face” a popular song to sing on variety shows / specials in the 70s?

by Anonymousreply 239October 15, 2021 10:12 PM

^ One big reason is that it made the pop charts as a disco cover.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 240October 15, 2021 10:17 PM

Here is the duet between Karen and Suzanne, R223

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 241October 16, 2021 3:24 AM

Oh god - that’s so very, very drecky.

by Anonymousreply 242October 16, 2021 5:18 AM

I'm the wiring and tape pulling back the aging actress ,guest stars, face tighter than Miss Scarlett's corset, to create some resemblance of youth.

by Anonymousreply 243October 16, 2021 7:21 AM

I’m ruffled tuxedo shirts tucked inside tight jumpsuits

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 244October 16, 2021 9:39 AM

I’m the STAR-LIFT, consisting of a big-name female celebrity just extending her arms and letting the back-up dancers do all the work. Popularized by Betty Bacall in “Applause” and mocked by Meryl in the “Death Becomes Her” opening scene.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 245October 16, 2021 9:48 AM

Birdsong! is indeed one star-lift after another.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 246October 16, 2021 9:50 AM

Why did the networks allow men to wear pants so tight on TV back then?

And why did they STOP?!

by Anonymousreply 247October 16, 2021 11:04 AM

No variety show would be complete without a song from the Maharelle sisters.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 248October 16, 2021 2:20 PM

R241 Charlie Callas?!

by Anonymousreply 249October 16, 2021 2:30 PM
Loading
Need more help? Click Here.

Yes indeed, we too use "cookies." Take a look at our privacy/terms or if you just want to see the damn site without all this bureaucratic nonsense, click ACCEPT. Otherwise, you'll just have to find some other site for your pointless bitchery needs.

×

Become a contributor - post when you want with no ads!