Why do people enter serious relationships with a cheater?

Sorry for all the damn typos.

I’ve been using my iPhone to post and it’s useless. The “autocorrect’ feature is a failed product and never seems to be get better.

Because people are naive and they believe they can change someone. You can’t.

“When people show you who they are, beat believe them.” (M. Angelou)

Because people are stupid. They are more interested in getting laid first and figure they can change the other person later. Just look at Kurt Browning, a serial cheater.

Sheer desperation

Because there's always a rationale for the cheating - I wasn't getting my needs met, we were on the way out anyway, etc, etc.

Straight women are the worst at this. Somehow, many always feel justified in cheating or with sleeping with a taken man. "If you gave me what I needed, I wouldn't have to look somewhere else" or "If you gave him what he needed, he wouldn't be coming to me". Over and over.

That is such a low thing to do!

Low self esteem plays a role too.

Some people just get off on having the power to make people go crazy and put their lives upside down for them.

Others are just attracted to the drama and heart break, confirming their beliefs that they don't deserve love and a happy ending.

I just think it’s stupid. I mean, come on. How naive can you be?

Just date them casually and don’t fool yourself into thinking they will suddenly develop a conscience. Someone who could tell you they are going to run an errand but they go out and have sex with someone else and then come home like everything is normal does not care about your well being.

People who care about you would just never do something like this.

You don’t have to guess if someone loves you.

If you have to wonder, then they don’t. There is a simple text you can do to see if someone cares about your well-being. And that is to ask yourself. But to really listen to the answer.

If you have to even ask, the answer is no.

Self esteem, yes.

OP, why would anyone enter a serious relationship based on monogamy? It has no bearing on love or commitment to living as a family.

It's just way to control a spouse and a righteous, socially acceptable, excuse to abandon that spouse.

There is a certain, sad segment of the population that doesn’t understand the concept of trust.

R12 - you're confusing cheating with an open relationship. Very different things.

And your holier-than-thou talk about monogamy is a bunch of crap. Oooh - you're just sooo much more evolved and intelligent than everyone else!

Love it when people on DL play the faux-naif.

"Gosh why do people make mistakes? It's so easy to not make mistakes. I just don't understand why people would make them?

Like - why drink too much? Just put the glass down! Easy!

Why be fat? Just don't eat so much! Easy!"

Liars are the worst people on the planet. Cheating is a form of lying. That is the problem here. People who pretend to care about you. Or the ones who don’t even pretend. “Well, he just doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve” uh he does to his side chick. He writes her poetry and sings her songs.

If someone seems emotionally detached or makes “mistakes” then they are just using you for something. A warm body. Meanwhile they are laying the emotions on thick across town. Seen it a million times.

[quote]There is a certain, sad segment of the population that doesn’t understand the concept of trust.

There is no point in bringing up the word "trust" in your statement if you do not articulate to what that trust should apply.

Of all the important things in life I would want to trust a partner to do, monogamy is not in the Top Ten. No way. Love. Respect. Care. Friendship. Commitment to living lives together as a family. Home. Those are all more important.

None of those things should be tossed aside by a person with a wounded ego who finds out that his or her spouse is human and acts accordingly on occasion.

I think that some people’s egos won’t let them face the fact that somebody is not as into them as they claim. That they could want to be with someone else when they are so great themselves.

R17 then that would not be consider cheating. Now would it?

Please go back and read the headline of this thread.

It’s ok if you have a learning disability or something. But otherwise it’s just totally off topic here. I’m waiting for a “sorry, wrong thread” post.

This thread is about cheating. Feel free to start a thread about open relationships. Or living with a learning disability.

Piss off, R19. OP did not supply a particular definition of "cheating" that was to be discussed.

In Data Lounge fashion, people are free to come here and argue about a host of conflicting concerns, no matter how tangential, just as if it was a coherent discussion. Which it never is.

If OP does not define "cheating" than we have no way to know if any of us are ever discussing the same idea.

Because you want to be victimized again which makes it their fault and you don’t have to take responsibility for your failure in forming lasting relationships in your life.

R20 then we should just only have one thread on DL and all topics should be allowed under a single thread?

Let’s share recipes in this thread while we’re at it. Or let’s discuss car mechanics. I want to change my oil. Post pictures of your beach vacation while we’re here.

Why do people enter relationships period? Humans are not meant to have one partner. We are wired to lay and spread our seed as much as possible. It’s gross and I won’t contribute. Sex and relationships are gross and primitive.

I don't care unless their previous cheating behaviour was pathological. Even then, if they're hot and good in bed, I'll enjoy them and let them worry about their nature. They earn their own stress lines. Not my problem.

People are good at lying to themselves.

The one cheated on thinks: "It's just a fling. It means nothing. He goes home to me because I'm the one he loves."

The one he's cheating with thinks: "His partner can't give him what he needs. I can. It's just a matter of time before he leaves his partner for me."

The cheater thinks: "I can have it both ways. Yay!" Or conversely: "I can't decide. I care for them both."

It's all bullshit. If there wasn't an agreement to have an open relationship, then the cheater is selfish, the sidepiece is selfish, and the partner is in denial.

Monogamy may be considered heteronormative or old-fashioned these days, but it still counts if there are children in the relationship. I'm not aware of any young children being fine and understanding when one or both of their parents are fucking around on the side.

[quote]Why do people enter serious relationships with a cheater?

Because by the time sensible people are 35 or so, they know that no one has a claim on another person's body and that an openness (discreet, careful and safe, decent) to experience is better than adhering to a false standard of "togetherness."

Mu dad used to be a serial cheater. The only reason he isn't one now is because he's too old and living in a retirement community full of women he doesn't want to fuck. His first 3 wives, my mom, and even my stepmom all thought they could change him. My mom came the closest, but even she got burned when he decided to trade up.

Not everyone is meant to be monogamous. If people are honest with each other and open things up, fine. However, it's a shame so many cowards want to have their cake and eat it too. My dad was a great father, but I never understood why he just had to always be married.

Once upon a time, society demanded from people to get married, have kids, and a white picket fence to be considered productive members of society. But it was just a set-up to keep people miserable having to work hard, not only to bring food to the table, but also make marriage and raising children work. Divorce made you look like a failure who couldn't measure up to society's standard. It's the same concept of fear, shame and doubt that religion used as well to keep people under its thumb.

Even to this day, there is still this urge to "settle" for less after a certain age, because you don't want to be alone in this world when you get old and fragile and need someone to take care of you (offspring or spouse).

And let's just face it: A great deal of people just want to self-destruct and act against their own best interest. And they have access to a variety of opportunities (food, alcohol, drugs, relationships, career, sports, sex, etc.).

I'm not saying that people who have sexual issues (addiction, acting out, suppression) get a free ride. Disorder in sexual matters leaves disorder elsewhere.

But no contract between two people should deny sexuality for a badge of "faithfulness." Many like being monogamous. Many don't.

Some people are just plain stupid and desperate. They claim they are ok with certain things (monogamy vs. open relationship) and think they have what it takes to either make the relationship work or change the other one's mind. Just to be no longer single and alone.

The biggest problem in relationships isn't cheating, it's codependency issues where trust, patience, and personal space is constantly tested to give at least one person a status update of current state of the relationship.

R10 is absolutely correct. If you think someone is cheating they probably are. This is coming from someone who always dated bad boys, the sexy but emotionally unavailable, and often younger guy. The bigger the challenge, the more I chased them!

I was dating my now husband and I suddenly realized he loved me back when I split my lip and he went crazy seeking help for me. True love is very rare to present itself, there’s sort of a period where you have to make a decision or the opportunity closes again. You’ll know and recognize it. I’ve also had opportunities to cheat and never did because I knew I could never look him in the face again if I did. There’s no cock worth that.

Someone who loves you may want to sleep in a different room, but they’ll want to see you last thing before they sleep and first thing in the morning.

You know what I don’t miss? All the excuses and gaslighting.

I never understood people who said they were okay with their partner sleeping with someone else as long as they were discreet. If what they are doing isn't wrong then why do they have to hide it?

Beater Peter

Chicken Cheater.