Let's be a Datalounge Eldergay's Birthday Party

I am the Birthday candles. It reads "62 but look 28".

I'm the veal demi-glace.

I'm the "chocolate creme" (not "cream") sheet cake from Costco. I'm going to put a few invitees into not-so early graves.

I'm the stack of Judy, Liza, and Barbra LP's providing the soundtrack to the evening's festivities.

I'm the karaoke machine preloaded with "Diff'rent Worlds (Theme from 'Angie')" and Patti Lupone's "Rose's Turn," complete with pre-song rant at the audience.

I'm best wished for the birthday boy from Ruth Buzzi via Cameo. And I am PRICEY.

We are pink country gingham paper and plastic tablescapes. We are off-gassing and some old queen keeps asking who spilled a bottles of poppers.

FOLLIES!

I am Greg. I'm in charge of the Food. I think seared loin of Cod would be delightful for the party.

We are the hissing shade fest over whether it's tacky to be serving cava.

I'm the witty stash of BLUEBOY, HONCHO, and TORSO mags from the 1980s fanned out across the coffee table, along with an INTERNATIONAL MALE catalogue.

Remember getting an erection without the help of Viagra?

Did you hear about Albert and Sam?

R9 Greg, you didn't start a thread asking for (and then rejecting) our opinions of the party menu! You bastard!

I'm the PTSD episode the cute, gender fluid cater waiter has after he hear 3 hours of trans hatred.

We're David and David (aka "The Davids") who show up fashionably late in coordinated caftans.

Quelle hoot!

I'm Seán, a 40yo flaming and plain looking working-class hairdresser from Galway Ireland and Howard's new paramour. Howard (71 years young, he CLAIMS) is trying to pass me off as a scandalously young and sexy twink.

I’m the howling laughter from all the viciously delicious repartee.

I'm the nacreous layers of precum.

It's permacum, not precum, dear, and why? Because Hank thought it was cute to book the party into a bar/sex venue normally patronized by young men who still shoot loads?

I am Darfur Orphan. I've been staring at the cake all day with a dry mouth and occasional spit swallowing.

[quote] I'm the nacreous layers of precum.

That’s actually just Royal icing. There ain’t a prostate present among these party guests.

Any ladies at this party?

We're out of Red Dragon Cheese.

I'm the nutloaf brought to the occasion by Jan.

I the overpowering scent of Helenesque.

I am all the tie-dye clothing products being made because that's what people think we wore back then

I'm Mitzi. You eldergays can't sit in my spot!

I'm the entertainment.

I'm the "Pin-The-Dick-On-The-Colt-Model" game for entertainment. Unfortunately, after being blindfolded and spun around, Marc fell and broke his hip. So it's back to "Guess the Sondheim Lyric."

I'm the sentence that begins: "Don't get me wrong — I give Gaga her due, because she does have talent. However ... "

[quote]Marc fell and broke his hip.

Marc's fine. It was Mark that fell.

We're the drag queen entertainers (on loan from "Whispers Lounge" near the interstate) who have been instructed to dress up as Krystal and Alexis, exchange bitchy banter, then stage a catfight, right before the Bday cake.

Neither of us are sure who these women are or if we fully understand the assignment.

I'm the shelebrity lookalike hired to shing a shet of songs after opening the gifts. Can you guessh so I am? Here'sh a hint: SSSHHHTART SHPREADIN' THE NEEEWSH.......

LIZA!

^^^O BOY! That'ssh right buster!

I’m the shattered collins glass.

I'm the two eldergays who know how to properly operate their flat phones. The rest of the bitches will die holding their flip phone from the 'buy one phone get the second one ABSOLUTELY FREE!' Costco promo in 2005.

I’m the bedroom door which is currently shut. If you open it, you will see a real life version of Lemon Party 🍋.

I'm all the long-dead friends who are there in spirit, and there are far more of me than there are living, breathing attendees.

I'm the nut loaf brought by the only lesbian couple in attendance, Beth and Tank.

I'm the special-edtion laserdisc of BEACHES, prominently displayed but unmoved since the Clinton administration.

I'm the low resolution digitized photos of nude Dishy Diva (now known as plain old Stu) and his faerie friends at a gathering in the mid 1980s.

[quote]I'm the nut loaf brought by the only lesbian couple in attendance, Beth and Tank.

Put it next to Jan's.

I am the guest of honor's favorite rent boy. I was invited to attend as well as being paid to spend the night. I spend the entire evening drumming up new business and perfecting my "marketing" skills.

But no one shows up.

I'm the icy stare from Reggie when someone asks him to share in a joke about Phylicia Rashad, new Dean of Arts at Howard. Reggie was graduated from HARVARD in 1978.

I'm the dutifully memorized dialogue from THE BOYS IN THE BAND, competing at times with dialogue from MOMMIE DEAREST.

I'm your A.A. sponsor, and I'm a bit worried.

I'm the chorus of hissing about Amazon, smart phones, TikTok, Millennials, Netflix, Craigslist, keyless ignitions, DoorDash, Uber and other commonplace items of 21st century life.

I'm Jan and I'm gloating because I bet Tank and Beth that it would take less than 20 minutes for one of the Eldergays to make a nutloaf joke.

Now I'm going double or nothing that they don't know any other lesbian jokes.

Come on boys, momma needs a new Subaru!

I'm the early 00s Abercrombie gear everyone is still wearing,.

Even if it is a little tight.

Okay, a lot tight.

I'm the Delta variant....

I'm one of the guests who will entertain everyone with tales of how I became a DL fave because of my reaction to a famous event.

We're fraus!

We will be discussed a lot tonight!

(And not very favorably, we might add!!!)

Next let's do the Young Gay's birthday party, please.

I'm the birthday boy entering the venue to the blasting of his most favorite song during his youth.

I’m Karen, who lives across the street, and I’m calling the police because I saw some black men at your door, and I feel threatened.

I'm the constant use of female pronouns to refer to men assumed to be gay. Even after all these years, Beth, Tank and Jan find this very confusing and somewhat misogynist.

I’m the DL lesbians who are failing to point out this thread is NOT FUNNY.

I’m the Smirnoff vodka, Seagrams VO Canadian whiskey, Gordon’s gin, and Cutty Sark Scotch on the bar.

I am the expensive cosmetics and "marital aids" the host thinks are well hidden in the guest bathroom

R39 😭😭

I’m the copious amount of poppers being used while getting gang banged at the St. Marks Baths. Circa 1980..

^Regaling alone while sipping tea.

I'm the chartered jet to San Cristobal, because not all DL Eldergays are poor, fat whores in caftans.

[quote]I'm the dutifully memorized dialogue from THE BOYS IN THE BAND, competing at times with dialogue from MOMMIE DEAREST.

Not elder (or entertaining) enough. It should be All About Eve.

I'm the Fleets.

r28 I had that game! I also had the family Ties game given to me as Christmas gifts from my mother when I was like 8! I guess she knew "theres someone whos gonna love cock and a whodunnit!."

I am the bitter, resentful old bitch who will have her dinner alone in her car in the driveway, while giving the other eldergay revellers a death stare or two.

I am "voluntary contribution" required from all guests to buy the honoree a birthday "gift".

Last year I think it was a Gucci bag...

[quote]I’m the copious amount of poppers being used while getting gang banged at the St. Marks Baths. Circa 1980..

Someone didn't understand the assignment.

I'm the resident musician, hoping that Tony Woodard (DL's top whistler!) shows up. In the meantime, I'll be singing Joni Mitchell songs and asking the eldergays where the cheap wine is.

I'm making my Prune encrusted Carp for the party! I'ma such a great cook!

I'm Bobby...

I'm Death.

Every year I assume a greater presence at the party.

I'm the cheek kiss given by a late arrival, who looks around the crowded living room and says, "I should've known you'd know where to find the booze AND the boys."

I'm the box of Depends given in jest then secretly used.

I’m the laughter induced flatulence.

I believe that results in flatulence induced laughter, r79.

I’m the scorching hot Dominican hustler with an eightball bag of meth.

I ruin everything.

I'm the queen with the cassette of some obscure diva that nobody else listens to (think Linda Eder or Jane Olivor) tucked in my jacket pocket, just waiting for the right opportunity to slip it into the stereo and force everybody to listen. I will get moody and pouty when everybody ignores my music and keeps talking.

I'm R82's frustration upon realizing there's nothing to play his "cassette tape" on.

R82 cassette? You are eldergay… you are ancient.

I'm one of the eldergays weeping in a corner, being consoled by two friends.

When someone glances over, concerned, one of the friends murmurs, "He's really missing Paul today."

R83 where's the 8-track?

I'm the unnoticed dead guy under the banquette. I'll be discovered tomorrow afternoon by a 24yo barback. That's what you get for having a party for 70yos in a dark, dirty dive bar meant for youth.

If this is in Palm Springs, I'm the dead guy unnoticed out the back door of the pool cabana. My lycra trunks at my ankles, one foot in, one foot out. I too will be discovered tomorrow afternoon by the 24yo stoner pool-boy. He will be genuinely shaken and saddened. The host will be oddly cool and all the guests won't say much in the coming weeks, claiming its sad but they didn't really know Carl very well.

I'm the good china the host brought out for the occasion. I was inherited from his Aunt Isobel, who was a wild one in her youth (as all the guests have heard every time the china comes out). One piece of me will end up chipped, and will lead to a months-long estrangement and an eternity of passive-aggressive resentment involving one of the Davids (who should have paid attention to what was going on with his fucking caftan sleeve before it caused the damage).

I'm the Barbra Streisand CD box set, which will be played on the Bose that miraculously still works.

I'm the nice but boring chatter.

(No one ever says anything NEW!)

I'm Datalounge.

None of the guests will admit to visiting me, let alone knowing who I am.

But they all do.

We are the bigoted and racist comments and jokes heard all night from the host and his eldergay pals who yearn for the good old days when everyone was closeted and the darkies knew their place.

I'm the obligatory red bathroom.

Is that a thing R94? Do Eldergays favor red bathrooms?

Or just the ones in certain cities?

We're the party favors.

I'm the one Asian guy. For some reason I'm 20 years younger than everyone else here.

I'm the one they all call "Barbara Stanwyck."

I still dazzle 'em with drag- on special occasions. After a couple belts of booze, I emerge as Braude Da-Lite.

I'm Mariahdonna, Adam & Stephen's daughter (don't know which the daddy is; they mixed their sperm up and squirted it into that surrogate, Whatsername) whose arrival was welcomed like a turd in the punchbowl (which actually happened once! Those were the days...). What followed were early exits, uncomfortable silences and more alcohol.

I’m the “Irish Goodbye.”

Irish Exit: Come to the party early, eat, get drunk, and leave without saying goodbye to anyone.

I’m the lesbian who brought her rescue Rottweiler.

I'm the bald head and the giant moustache.

I am the $200 pair of orthopedic sandals on the pedicure-neglected, over-the-top caftaned queen who arrives late, making her usual tired, whirling Auntie Mame entrance, thinking to herself "I'll show them how it's done," but no one gives a shit.

R95, after a contentious breakup in the early 90’s, I moved in with four other gays into a beautifully appointed Victorian home in Dorchester, Massachusetts. I felt like I was living inside an Anne Rice novel the handful of months I lived there! There were FOUR RED BATHROOMS and I always had to bring a roll of toilet paper with me when I had to go- because they were ALWAYS out. All four of those queens must have had blown out, prolapsed assholes.

One day I went into the cellar to do laundry, and noticed steel bars tastefully hidden on the inside of the windows! I asked a roommate, “Is this neighborhood safe?”

He replied, “I’ve only been mugged twice.” I moved out shortly after. there

R105 So mean.

I'm the turbans, caftans and Capri cigarettes.

I’m the grey hairs found in the fondue pot.

We are the feelings of hatred, self-loathing, distrust, malice and cruelty that pervade the air around the host and the rest of the invitees

R106 I have a gay friend that used to live in a Victorian in Dorchester going back to the 90s, and for a minute I first thought it might be the one in your photo, but it turns out it was a few blocks away from the house you lived in. FYI, that house was turned into a 4-Unit condo in 2005, and the aggregate value of the condos now exceeds $2.5 million. That may sound like a lot to some folks, but in fact it’s not for a Boston home of that era and size, which tells you the neighborhood still isn’t good.

I am the Columbian Escort jumping out of the Birthday Cake. With a penis pump, not a Tommy gun.

I’m the several guests with Flomax prescriptions who are putting the p in “pool.”

[quote]I am the Columbian Escort jumping out of the Birthday Cake.

Sad that an Ivy Leaguer has to resort to stripping.

We are the group of friends that meet up once a year for this party, grateful we still have each other. The passing years have taught us to appreciate each other and what we've got even more. Happy Birthday!

"Now we're going to listen to the rap music."

Hi! I'm Jason! I put the JASON in ADJACENT!

Birthday bump

I'm the guest who pulls out the original Broadway cast recordings of BAJOUR, FLORA THE RED MENACE, ANYONE CAN WHISTLE and WILDCAT to replace the Jane Olivor and Linda Eder cassettes being played Very loudly.

I'm George Glass. Jan Brady made my gay.

I'm the ice cream cake made to look like an erect penis and 2 large balls, unfortunately the freezer wasn't large enough to hold the cake so when they took it out of the fridge the penis went limp.

I'll bring the depends and applesauce!

I am the $20.00 bill paid to Auntie Elton to sing at the party.

I am the $20.00 bill paid to Auntie Elton to sing at the party.

Bitch @ R124. Greedy bitch he is who sold his soul to republicans.

I'm the heart-stopping moment when Bryan's uncouth date uses my oft-read Gordon Merrick paperback as a coaster!

I'm the large bottle of JLube, mixed and ready to go.

I’m the pencil by the rotary phone. It’s your turn.

[quote] "I'm the turbans, caftans and Capri cigarettes."

I'm the case where said Capri cigarettes are kept. I also sometimes make appearances at weekly bingo, and drag brunches.

I'm the booze and the boys... I'm an eldergay, but I'm not a dead gay

"Sorry, but I don't read books. Jeez!"

I’m Brian. I spearhead the search for guests willing to help clean up. My approach is direct, ‘I have cocaine. Do you want to do some dishes?’

"Bryan, you are so not getting head after the party. Jeez!"

"Are Marc and Mark brothers?"

"I'm bored. Let's go. Jeez!"

I am the look of horror on Greg's face when he sees that someone has put a cigarette butt in his expensive gourmet dip.

"Well excuse me. Grandpa didn't even have an ashtray. Jeez!"

I'm the spare caftan used to strangle Greg. Then we ordered pizza.

I'm the cowboy-themed escort presented to the lucky birthday boy.

I'm the fire extinguisher.

I'm the lemon Bundt cake with vanilla Häagen-Dazs.

[quote] I am the look of horror on Greg's face when he sees that someone has put a cigarette butt in his expensive gourmet dip.

Stupid.

I can kick, stretch and KICK!

I'm Ardyn, his flamboyantly nelly friend from way back when, recently let go from his latest Cater Waiter job. How could he not invite him? But still, he was higher than a rainbow kite and coming on to the faghag's dates. Later to find out he was asking everyone for money.