Single gays with no kids

If your only reason to have kids is to have a support system when you get older, that's not really a very good reason. Your kids could end up hating you, being selfish etc, and you'll still be alone, but you'll have gone through all the trials of having children too.

Honestly, you won't be alone. Develop good relationships with your nephews and nieces. You'll be fine.

Having kids does not automatically mean you'll have a support system as you get older. Just sayin'

I don't know, R1 and R2.

My sister was a horrible mother. And now she's a horrible grandmother.

Mean, neglectful and selfish.

Yet her kids and grandkids all still flock to her.

r3, is she rich?

Hell no, I knew as a little kid I never wanted a child

Not at all! I love my gay male life! I'm blessed! Majority of people have kids and partners for the wrong and oftentimes narcissistic reasons. I avoided all of that and I'm happy! I love my nephew's but I don't want my own kids, and I'm not unhappy at all remaining single! Most relationships are dysfunctional and merely relationships of convenience anyway. Fuck that!

Fuck no.

This is a good question. I would advise spending time with friends/relatives children to reaffirm that you have made the only acceptable choice. Two days with someone else’s crotch fruit will remind you that you only want this experience three or four times a year. Skip getting your own kids, and attempt to contribute to the lives of the children adjacent to you.

solid advice, r8

It's really hard to say. I don't really care for the idea of raising a child and my own childhood was troubled, despite having good parents. I was bullied a lot and was a sensitive kid. Life is so much harder for sensitive people, I think. Being a parent just never appealed to me. Still though, I have a feeling I'm going to have regrets when I get old.

^^^ I mean it! Spending time with my friends kids is a treat….. once or twice a month! Seriously, it’s also a treat when a young person responds to you in a thoughtful way. I draw with some kids, it’s a goddamn riot!!!

No, I am 64 years old and I have never once regretted not having kids. I look around at my gay and straight friends who have kids. Some have well adjusted kids, but it was no easy task raising them. One has a child with schizophrenia, another has some kind of mental illness. My brother's son is a nice guy but his daughter is really bitchy and over bearing and I would say verbally abusive. She has been diagnosed with bipolar-2.

Most of all I am glad I didn't bring kids into the world because the world and the US seems to have deteriorated a lot in my lifetime. College tuition is through the roof, pensions are gone, housing is out of reach for most and most of all, climate change is upon us.

Used to think about having children.

Then I got sober.

No, R4.

On top of being all those other horrible things, she's a broke-assed bitch.

She actually tries to get money from THEM.

And they're still attached to her. It's weird.

I'm 40 and single and a lawyer with a bunch of Bitcoin. I'm about ready to have kids. I'm just waiting for Bitcoin to go up further, because I know that surrogacy and IVF is going to cost a lot of money.

I'm going to pick out an intelligent, beautiful egg donor who is white and has blue eyes. My son is going to have the best genes that money can buy!

Don't forget a pony, R15, get a pony too!

You pose an interesting question, OP. I'm in my mid-fifties (and DON'T look 27) and I sometimes wish I had had the conventional relationship/kids type of lifestyle. But then most of the time I don't.

I'm not rabidly opposed to it, but I feel I'm too old to even consider raising kids at this stage. I enjoy being single, but not opposed to having a SO; however, it's not something I actively seek or pursue. I would like someone special in my life (more than a fuck buddy or FWB), but I'm very leery of LTR (I just don't take to them like a duck to water). I know I sound horribly wishy-washy, but it's how I've felt lately.

So, I exist in this strange limbo! I sincerely hope you find what you're seeking, OP. You're young....make good decisions that matter to YOU. Fuck what the rest of us bitchy queens think/say. 😊

God, no.

Zero desire to be a father. I recently became an uncle and that will be more than enough for me.

You might think differently when you get older, R18.

I used to feel the same way you do.

Hell no OP.

Bond with your nieces and nephews. They could be a support system when you are old if you have a relationship with them.

There is no guarantee your children will outlive you or take care of you. You could have a child with special needs who you have to care for until you die. So many things could go wrong. Sad but true.

Work on developing and maintaining solid friendships. Especially with other people who are childfree. Your friends are who you turn to as you age.

And being scared of dying alone is no reason to have children. Having children because you are lonely and think they will fill the void is not a good reason. Understandable sure, but not good.

But it's normal to think about OP. I've thought about it too. I'm 41.

Could be, R19. I’m 34 now and we’ll see how I feel about it in 5 years.

But I don’t expect a big change of heart, because really - I can’t stand children.

Many people overcome their own misgivings about parenting for 2 reasons: they fear death and their lives would otherwise lack meaning.

We're all gonna die. Alone, surrounded by grandkids, a partner, a dog, whatever. No fighting that.

And it is not incumbent on your children to give your life purpose and meaning. Try finding that elsewhere.

OP and R20 let's form a Triad.

I'm not responsible enough to own a goldfish, plus we disappear on vacation (holiday) at very short notice with no firm plans when we will return. Could be two weeks or three months later?

[quote] Skip getting your own kids, and attempt to contribute to the lives of the children adjacent to you.

Love this!

I’m turning 30 soon, and I’ve decided that while having kids of my own is not a good option for me (mainly for health/wellness reasons), by my mid-40s/50 I want to be a close teacher and mentor to younger people (whether that means kids, teens or 20-somethings). Mentorship is something I lacked and sorely needed in my own misspent and rather lonely youth, and I think I could offer that in spades. I believe having children should not mean immuring yourself from subsequent generations.

Also, I’m lucky to have a younger sister I’m close to who does want kids, and probably will try for some in the next five to ten years, so I have a good chance of getting to be an eccentric lesbian aunt. Can’t wait!

Hell no!

[quote] Do you ever wish you started a family?

Nah, I'm too young to start a family. Maybe in a decade or so when I'm settled and get bored being childless. All I know is that he is going to be a gymnast/figure skater and some sort of scientist so that he can cure cancer.

I swear I used to be like a lot of you.

But as you get older, and you start losing parents, and friends, and other family members, and your circle of loved ones starts to get smaller and smaller, you really do start to ponder questions like this.

Then it makes you look back and think "Should I have??"

But by the time you're 50 or 60, it's too late. And you're all alone.

R28, then you need to partner with a younger guy so that he can survive you and your child doesn't become an orphan when you die. .

Think of the financial stress you’d be under all those years, though. Being a single parent, especially, sounds like hell.

Never.

R23 I’m in.

And OP - think of how many people you know who live far away from their parents or who don’t even speak to them. There are so many assumptions baked into this belief that your children will care for you in your old age (including that you will live to be that old or die of a prolonged illness and not suddenly without warning).

Heterosexist society obsessed with breeding fills everyone with terror that you will die alone if you don’t follow the masses and marry and have children. It’s really challenging to step outside that narrative because we all internalize it from the time we are children. Especially now that so many gay men are having children. We don’t even have that excuse anymore.

True, R30.

I guess that's why only rich people like Andy Cohen, Anderson Cooper, and Naomi Campbell can be single parents of newborns when in their 50's.

OP, I'm in my mid-60s and, lately, I've been thinking it would be great to have a couple of really wonderful adult children.

But I would have been a lousy parent as they were growing up. So who knows if I would have ended up with really wonderful adult children or just all sorts of heart ache and expense.

Creating children is the biggest crap shoot in the world. Don't leave that out of you thinking, OP. You might have just as easily dodged a painful bullet.

The financial burden and the cost of time raising children truly is immense, not even factoring in the stress of finding a suitable loyal decent person to have them with in the first place. Most of us lower-class people can’t afford to make a good job of it.

Decided I will only birth a child if in the next five years I meet a a super-handsome top-flight Euro/Brit soccer player who suddenly decides he loves me and wants to WAG me up. With all that footballer cash and excellent healthcare and endless free time, I’m sure I can find it in me to provide a baby or two in return for the privilege—babies which I will be palming off half the time to a maid/nurse/tutor (I might be fair but I’m not a sucker).

[quote] think of how many people you know who live far away from their parents or who don’t even speak to them. There are so many assumptions baked into this belief that your children will care for you in your old age (including that you will live to be that old or die of a prolonged illness and not suddenly without warning).

This is my 85-year old grandmother’s situation, and she’s one of the lucky ones.

Her two sons hate her so much they worked like dogs for decades to make enough money that they could emigrate to New Zealand and get away from her permanently. They haven’t seen her in a decade, and their kids haven’t seen her in fifteen or twenty. My poor mother, her youngest daughter, is trying to take care of her (with my help) on lower income and with limited time, and we’re both gritting our teeth and begrudgingly doing the job as we wait for enough of a natural decline to justify packing the old bag off to a home. Her husband died fifteen years ago, and I swear he looked relieved in his last days. She’s a toxic person who has only brought misery to others, and everyone around her is just waiting for her death.

Three kids, eight grandkids, and five great-grandkids,’and not a one really gives a fuck about her or likes her, because she spent her entire life being a bitter peach.

R36 I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Seems like you probably just shouldn't be a toxic parent or toxic person in general in order to not end up alone when you're old. I'd imagine if you raise your children at least half-right then chances are good they won't cut off contact.

I’m trying to be a good gay uncle, even though my gay uncle was a total bitch to me😀

R38 sucks having mean gay relatives, doesn’t it?

My lesbian aunt cut me off brutally when she & my parents got into a financial dispute over my dead grandmother. We had been close up until that point, and right before she stopped speaking to me I had been about to confide in her that I had same-sex desires too (I was only a young teen at the time, and could’ve used the support—our rural community has barely gays). Oh well, guess she’ll never know now.

Also, I have the most pretentious, piss-elegant, vain and bitchy closeted cousin. He’s such two-faced piece of work, who expects everyone else to enable and prop up his farce of a life.

When I was in college and broke, I thought I might have a family when I had money. Now that I have money in my 30s, I like spending it on myself. Spontaneous travel > kids.

Spontaneous travel > kids > cancer > travel with kids

Lots of good insights on this thread.

Parenting is the hardest job in the world I think. I never really wanted kids, although it wasn’t really a thing, gay men having children when I was growing up. Much more common now. I’d never dream of trying to do it as a single person and I’ve been single my entire life. I’d much rather have a relationship, but I don’t think that will ever happen.

I work with children. I appreciate going home and not having to deal with more kids at the end of my day.

I agree with others who’ve said that having kids so they’ll look after you in your old age is not a good reason. You don’t know how they’ll turn out. Good parents can raise poor examples of adults. My parents, wonderful people, whose biggest sin is probably that they were too good to my brothers and I, had 3 sons - me (gay), another brother with schizophrenia and a third who can be a real piece of work (selfish, thoughtless, still steals from them in his 50s; I could write a fucking book about that asshole). None of us have ever been in a relationship except the asshole when he was in his 20s. They have no grandchildren, etc. My regrets aren’t for myself. My regrets are for them. They would have made wonderful grandparents, but my entire life it’s been just the five of us.

R42 - I have a similar situation - single my whole life and I work with kids too.

I just wish I could find a partner who I love at this point. Kids no thank you.

Having children is something you have to feel at least 80% sure about doing. Unless you're wealthy, it's not something to do while single, either (not to mention it's better for a child to have 2 parents, in case one parent dies, etc.).

If you're having children with the hope or expectation that they will take care of you in your old age, that is not a great reason. If you're thinking children are a cure for loneliness, that's not a good reason, either.

Also, you do reach a point where you're just too fucking old to take care of a child. There are a lot of things that age (getting older) forecloses and we just have to deal with it.

I decided at 9 that I never wanted to have kids and now 35 years later regret it

I have nine nieces and nephews and love them all - they're very kind to me; I'm definitely their favorite uncle. But, just the same, I'm glad to only have to spend a day now and then with them and that I can come home to my solitude. I'm not worried, they will take care of me when I'm older.

R45 why do you regret it?

My nephews and nieces are grown up now (only Brother is 8 years older than me), the youngest is 32 and they have kids of their own.

I think 53 is a bit too late to think about having kids and I never wanted any. I was a pretty good Uncle, but I'm a totally disinterested Great-Uncle, I don't have the patience now.

I have three kids and it’s been an incredible experience to watch them become these amazing people with unique personalities. It’s often draining, inconvenient and expensive, but I cannot imagine them not existing. I’m doing my best to help them grow into adults who are able to lead fulfilling lives. It does take a village, though. The more help you have the better.

R49 - OP’s question was directed at single gays with no kids. It was about whether people regret NOT having children.

NOBODY asked about your 3 kids and how incredible your experience has been.

There cannot be any childfree spaces without parents invading. I’m surprised we made it to 49 replies without a parent crashing and letting us all know about their amazing kids with unique personalities and how they can’t IMAGINE them not existing.

I'm not too much younger than you and I definitely plan to have kids. OP, you're basically a millennial gay, right? We're the gays that do have kids; ignore the elders.

[quote]R35 Decided I will only birth a child if in the next five years I meet a a super-handsome top-flight Euro/Brit soccer player who suddenly decides he loves me

I am one of DL ‘s most respected internet psychics… and I sense this will be happening for you VERY soon (if it not already has in the time it’s taken to type this)

[italic]Mazel tov!

R51 btw my parents were in their early 40s when they had me and I turned out great.

R51 -waves in happily childfree millennial-

Kids (and everything else) are getting more expensive. I make plenty for a single gay, but the only way I'm having kids is if I meet my own Mr. Sheffield.

STFU R50! When did DL get invaded with so many control freaks.

I'm a gay man, I never wanted kids and don't regret not being a father. Big fucking deal, someone came into the thread and said they had an "incredible experience" being a parent. How that post affects you, I have no idea.

Anyone who has been at DL for longer than the past few years,, would already be aware most DL threads divert from the original topic or from the questions posed, if that bothers you so much, get the fuck out of DL.

Lol R55 I’m quite calm. You’re the one losing your shit over me pointing out that parents don’t need to comment in every thread re: NOT having children about how incredible it is to be a parent.

“Big fucking deal” “Get the fuck out of DL.”

If you actually don’t have children (which I find hard to believe given how defensive the response is), I’m relieved because your temper seems intense. So good choice gurl! No regrets indeed!

I am 40 and I do not see a lot of healthy, stable families around me. That includes straight and gay, older and younger. COVID has really tested parents and many have confided in me (mothers especially) that they wish they never had kids. This is amongst friends with money.

[quote] I guess that's why only rich people like Andy Cohen, Anderson Cooper, and Naomi Campbell can be single parents of newborns when in their 50's

I feel like I could be a good dad, but only in the most extraordinary of circumstance like the people quoted above. If at 50, I could afford full time, 24/7 help, the best private schools, and give a kid or foster the ultimate life and plenty of attention, I might consider it. Otherwise, no way.

Just seeing the little kids having to wear masks to school in pre-k and kindergarten is so depressing.

Unless you desperately want kids, don’t. I’m a step parent. I truly love the kids, but it’s a fucking grind and utterly thankless.

I teach kids for a living, so no

Whenever my job has family events, especially in the summertime, I either take a personal day or leave early. They kids are such brats. And everyone thinks that their children are too precious for the rest of us. So I answered OPs question again. NO.

I don’t have any patience with kids. I also suffer from PTSD and depression; I’d be a complete basket case trying to take care of children. It’s a challenge to take care of myself at times.

Calm down, R55. It's a valid complaint. Something about the term "childfree" or the term "no kids" makes some parents want to join a thread (or forum) and start talking about their kids. At the worst, its' trolling. At best, it's tone deaf.

I love kids and I love dogs. But only in small doses. I don't want to deal with them daily. I want to remain independent as long as I can, and after that we'll see what the options are.

No way. The planet will be on fire by 2050 or earlier.

I have not regretted being childless. My nieces and nephews are great though in short visits. Plus, I don’t have a suitable personality to raise a child well.