Lying about relationship history

lol gurl u a mess

I was just telling Chris Evans about this exact phenomenon last night after we made love.

No. Don't invent past relationships. If they won't date you because you've never had a boyfriend, they're doing you a favor.

It’s difficult to claim to be a virgin when you have a blown-out hole.

Relationship virgin, not sex virgin.

What is 'chronically single' anyway?

I love it that OP is worried about impressing her hos.

As long as his name is George Glass, you’re fine.

You can always talk about the lovers you had in port cities around the world.

Cheers R1. Always a pleasure😂

R4 speak for yourself, love. I wouldn’t know...

R7 hos have feelings too!🙃

R9 well, my dad was a Marine in his youth, so I could just borrow his seedy stories...

The reason I asked: I am an adult virgin (yep, a real one R5) who has never dated, and I’ll be 30 in less than two years. People I’ve revealed this to find this weird and offputting, as well as quite shocking—aside depressive ennui and resultant underachievement and a bit of social awkwardness, I’m otherwise pretty normal and healthy, a cute nice-enough sane and intelligent 4/5 with no hang ups like religion or entitlement and no particular reason I should be forever alone. I’ve had offers in the past and I get a bit of a attention now and then, though no-one’s beating down my door (thank fuck, I’d die of panic and embarrassment and suffocation).

So, this is the reason I’m considering a bit of truth embroidery about the subject in future, when meeting new people—maybe I could pretend to be a divorcée, or in a long-distance on/off thing that is Complicated, or someone who dated a lot in College but took a hiatus for a career reboot? I’m advised by a female acquaintance that an ideal body count for female of my age and status is ‘more than a handful but less than twenty’, so perhaps I could just take the average mid-point and say it’s that (making it around 6-8 sexual partners so far). It might make me feel less like a social anomaly or a freak of nature or a walking target, and get people in intimate settings to relax around me for once...

The only pitfalls I can see with this plan is that a) any future partner will assume I have a modicum of sexual EXP, which I don’t (my therapist recommends I consider massage as a way to work up to sexual contact, and that if possible I find a trusted friend I am not dating to have sex with for the first time—but that’s another thread and another issue tbh), and b) any future partner may at some point ask my family about my past, and find holes in my stories (though my family save parents and one sibling are all estranged or emigrated, anyway, and it’s not like I ever plan to marry anyone....)

Tricking or hurting people is the last thing I want to do, let’s be clear. I understand that sexual ethics are a sensitive subject, and that most of the time the respectful thing to do is be upfront and honest. The rub is, though, that I’m the one being prejudged and treated shabbily because of my relationship history and my honesty about it, which in its turn is hurtful. I’ve found that most who know look down on me for it, as if I’m a kid or a challenged person. Plus, I’m aware that people knowing that I am an adult virgin makes me a target and very vulnerable to abusive types or manipulators. So I want to stand up and act like a decent partner, but also at the same time protect myself and avoid being shamed and ostracised anymore. Considering my situation, I feel as if a face-saving lie can be a harmless white one, no?

If someone jumps to the conclusion that you're to be avoided because you're a virgin, then they're an asshole. Yes, there are lots of assholes out there. But they're best avoided. When people show you how they are, believe them. Believe them the first time.

use poppers the first time that dick enters the ass. you'll have a hell of a headache tomorrow. but what a memory tonight.

No. Don't use poppers. Stretch beforehand. Star with one finger and work up to three or four. No, you don't have to fist yourself.

*Start

The bigger question is why do you feel the need to lie and create a past you never had?

Whatever your experience was it's perfectly fine.

If you're willing to spend some money, why not hire an escort, OP? He could show you the ropes. You wouldn't have to worry so much about expectations and feelings because it would be purely transactional.

When you're ready to have sex with someone who could be a real partner, the awkwardness and nervousness would be minimized because then it wouldn't be your first time.

As for your dating history, you could say that your lack of relationship experience was because you were closeted. You have worked through your issues and are out now, ready to explore what you've postponed.

I think everything's fine, OP, you will find someone, and when you do the chemistry will override all these details—just follow your impulse if the feeling is right, and everything will be fine. Forget the "virgin" business, it means nothing.

OP is female.

Potentially important, if true

R18/R19 ah, sorry, was that not clear? I should have led with that.

R16 I think your idea would work well for a man, but needless to say women operate differently in that regard. We don’t really pay for sex, it’s just not a thing. Even female-to-female is a bit weird to think about transactionally. I guess it must happen occasionally, but I’d imagine rarely.

Then there’s the emotional side of it—again, bit harder to leave to one side when you’re made of estrogen (believe me, I wish I could—I’m very jealous of men sometimes when it comes to all that). The whole concept of sex and intimate experience carries a different social weight and pressure and stigma for females, unfortunately. It’s hard for a woman to win at this whole game, so I try not to bring it up or confront it too often.

Finally, to address the sexuality question—to be completely honest, I’m not even sure about that. Generally I prefer women and vibe with them more sexually and romantically, and I have privately identified as a lesbian for about a decade, but have had to reassess that a few times after feeling theoretical attraction toward men (one or two IRL, and several at a vicarious remove). I’m sort of a self-loathing semi-closeted biromantic, really, but feel more at home and integral in the lesbian community. It’s a bit of a mess tbh. The fact that I never experimented as a youngster and had sort of a sheltered asexual upbringing muddles it further.

Oh, God. Lesbian sex is a lot simpler.

Wow, you are way far in your complicated head and up your own tight, unused ass. Maybe you could storyboard this with Lens Dunham to star Tommy Dorfman as you. Add some holiday settings and shoot for Hallmark doing another progressive TV movie.

OP is on the spectrum.

R23 Yeah, thanks, I know that already. I’m waiting for formal diagnosis, but it’s looking like a mild high-functioning case of Asperger’s. Most people don’t realise or guess that I have any issue like that, so I must mask pretty well (many women do, just out of social conditioning and habit). While it has proved to be an impediment in social areas of life, I can live and work with basic independence, so it’s hardly crippling.

R21 right, which is why I prefer to stay in the Ladies’ Swim. The bisexuality I have is something I wish I didn’t have to contend with, but the heart wants what it wants, sadly. Combined with the general intimacy issues and the lack of experience, this is a quandary I’m not sure how to sort out—or if I should even try to sort it out.

And before anyone tells me to get a blog or a therapist—my last two counsellors wouldn’t go near the subject in the normal 50 minutes, saying that I’d need a lot of extra time with them (that I can’t afford) or to see an additional specialist in sexual psych (ditto). As for blogging, I’m not a teenager anymore and I’m not a self-obsessed Frau looking to mentally immure myself and hide from all criticism, so why would I? The bonus of DL is that there is freedom to talk anonymously on many different subjects to so many different people.

If you go with "I want to wait until marriage," you can at least get to know some people and find some nonsexual intimacy.

What is your goal, op?

This thread reminds me of how funny it is to watch bisexual women complain amongst themselves about how darn hard it is to get something started with another woman (unstated problem is that they're used to men being the initiators and not only don't feel comfortable initiating but somehow it seems wrong).

Anyway... OP, the issue you're having here can't be hidden by lying about your relationship history. Regardless of the ethics, it simply won't work. Don't worry about the sex part. It takes care of itself! There are people out there who have had sex many times with many partners who are still very bad at sex. And people who've never had partnered sex before who will be quickly up to good sex speed once they start.

You need to be honest about what you want. Be honest with yourself first. Then be honest with potential partners. Don't announce all your anxieties up front, and don't try to create some false front that you think will draw someone in long enough to fall in love with the real you (that never works, although it's a good way for bisexual men to create old fashioned families and spend their married lives terrified their wives will find out they've sucked dick).