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Buy a home and I am suddenly freaking out-

Is it normal to feel this stressed out about buying a home? I haven’t told my partner that I am feeling this anxious about it. I don’t want to put that on him. We are both in our forties and have never owned before. Neither of us really considered buying when we were younger and single. We both moved around a lot for work and just never gave it any real thought. The thought of having a mortgage in middle age is a bit scary to me. Anybody else hav me these feelings when buying?

by Anonymousreply 61July 22, 2021 3:27 AM

Why is it scary?

by Anonymousreply 1July 21, 2021 5:56 AM

Sorry about the typos. I am eating and typing at the same time.

by Anonymousreply 2July 21, 2021 5:57 AM

Totally normal I think. But what specifically are you scared about? The money side of it? Being ‘tied down’ and the commitment? Something else?

by Anonymousreply 3July 21, 2021 6:01 AM

OP, when you say “partner” do you mean your husband or boyfriend? Because if he’s just your boyfriend, things could get messy if you breakup and both of you can’t agree on what to do with the house. It’s more cut and dry if you’re legally married.

by Anonymousreply 4July 21, 2021 6:02 AM

R1 just the realization of being this responsible. When something needs to be fixed it is fully on us. Having to buy furniture to fill all of the extra rooms. Mortgage, taxes, maintaining the yards….I have lived in the city and apartments my whole adult life. This will be different for me.

by Anonymousreply 5July 21, 2021 6:03 AM

[quote]The thought of having a mortgage in middle age is a bit scary to me.

Buying your first home around your age isn't that abnormal these days.

It's been shifting that way for a while. People feel like they need to buy a home once they get married. People get married later now and in our case we couldn't until a few years ago. People end up buying homes when they're in their 40s.

The median age of home buyers is about 47 now. Four decades ago it was bout 31. About 25% of people buying their first home are between 37 and 54.

Just plan well, otherwise, it's not that abnormal.

by Anonymousreply 6July 21, 2021 6:06 AM

R4 we are married, he is the one who has really been pushing for us to do the “grown up” thing and own a home. I want him to be happy and I know he is right about paying our own mortgage being better than paying someone else’s. It just seems like a lot financially. I love to be able to travel and go out to dinners, I know this will put some of that on hold for a while.

by Anonymousreply 7July 21, 2021 6:07 AM

He is cheating on you with some whore, that is why your spidey sense is tingling.

by Anonymousreply 8July 21, 2021 6:09 AM

Buyer's remorse.

It's normal.

I felt it. It seemed so permanent owning instead of renting. I was used to just picking up and going someplace else when I wanted to.

You get used to it. (and you can always sell it if you don't.)

by Anonymousreply 9July 21, 2021 6:13 AM

R7 Good! Now that we got that out of the way, yes, what you’re feeling is completely normal. Like they say - buying a house is the biggest purchase you will ever make, so of course it’s a bit daunting. However, it’s so much better to put money into something you will own one day than giving it away to a landlord. And always remember this: if for some reason you end up hating owning a home, you can always sell it (a chore, but it’s obviously done all the time). Just give it at least a year.

by Anonymousreply 10July 21, 2021 6:15 AM

Houses are selling very quickly it seems. My friend in LA sold his in 3 days. (and it was advertised as a fixer upper.)

by Anonymousreply 11July 21, 2021 6:18 AM

R8 I was in the process of chewing when I read that and almost choked on a ravioli. 😂

by Anonymousreply 12July 21, 2021 6:21 AM

Three months ago, a couple I'd know for years, just up and decided to sell their home.

They had a buyer in a week that paid their price which was about $350K.

The biggest hurdle after that was them moving everything out in that time frame!

by Anonymousreply 13July 21, 2021 6:22 AM

Is your monthly mortgage payment a lot more than your rent used to be? I always struggled with that thought as I didn’t want to give up travel and going out etc like you. If it is and you have to rein in your spending a bit while you save up and get the place how you want it, just focus on the ‘you’re investing and paying your own home off and not wasting money and paying off someone else’s’ thinking, as it is true.

by Anonymousreply 14July 21, 2021 6:26 AM

R11 YES. That is another reason I have been feeling the anxiety. Real estate is selling so fast that we did not have much time to think on it. Just had to jump right in and now it is hitting me.

by Anonymousreply 15July 21, 2021 6:26 AM

Plus it’s (generally) better to be paying off a mortgage in middle age than renting once retired in old age.

by Anonymousreply 16July 21, 2021 6:27 AM

OP can I ask what made you decide to buy a home this year when it’s a sellers market and not a buyers market? Buyers don’t have much negotiating power in this market.

by Anonymousreply 17July 21, 2021 6:33 AM

R14 The mortgage will be about four hundred more than our current rent. It isn’t terrible, but it is money that will be missed for a while. Just until we get adjusted to our new situation. At least we work jobs where we can pick up overtime.

by Anonymousreply 18July 21, 2021 6:36 AM

R17 great question. I wanted to hold off a bit, but my partner has really been wanting to buy for a while. We have enough financially to make it work, I just get stressed since I have never purchased anything like this before. It is even out in the suburbs, which will be a new experience for us. Part of me gets a little homesick for the city. Downtown isn’t far, but the homes out there are far too expensive, or in shitty areas we would never want to buy in.

by Anonymousreply 19July 21, 2021 6:42 AM

OP, does the new home have a fence in the backyard? If not, put one up immediately! Trust me on this! Good fences make good neighbors.

And congratulations! When do you move in?

by Anonymousreply 20July 21, 2021 6:45 AM

R20 Thank you, hon! Yes, it does have a decent fence. Cute little yard. I just don’t have much of a green thumb, yet. I shall have to get involved with making it more of a relaxing space for entertaining. We move in end of August. 🙂

by Anonymousreply 21July 21, 2021 6:55 AM

OP, focus on getting excited about how you will make your new house feel like home (furniture arrangements, decor, etc). By doing this now you will not only distract yourself about being nervous, but also have a head start when you actually move in.

by Anonymousreply 22July 21, 2021 7:07 AM

[quote]The mortgage will be about four hundred more than our current rent. It isn’t terrible, but it is money that will be missed for a while. Just until we get adjusted to our new situation. At least we work jobs where we can pick up overtime.

Look at it this way: how much of that $400/mo. were you putting into savings and retirement investments? Rent is a black hole for money; you will never see any return for your "investment" and it leaves you vulnerable in different ways.

After a year of you will wonder why you were ever worried about the monthly costs, and over time you will worry less and less (as you rent would have risen more and more.) Rent has no tax benefits; it doesn't stay at a fixed amount for 30 years; and most importantly it accrues no financial gain in the form of equity and rise in property values.

Monthly mortgage payments eventually start to add up as equity. And real estate goes up in value over time. You were never going to say to your landlord years down the road, "we loved living here but it's time for a change - and we'd like to cash in on the fact that you can now easily double the rent: we'd like our share if that.". But when property values go up 25% in X years, that's just handed over to you in cash along with the equity you accrued.

Once over the hump of the sometimes angsty first year, the "extra" money you are spending becomes less and less extra each year. The concern will fade. You will start to see the benefits financially.

A lot of people who move from renting to owning are a bag of nerves when they first switch, every little thing is the end off the world. It isn't. Every little sound isn't the start of the collapse of a bottomless money pit.

by Anonymousreply 23July 21, 2021 7:07 AM

R2 “ Sorry about the typos. I am eating and typing at the same time.”

You type fat.

But on topic, my husband and bought 2 years ago for the first time and we’re a bit older than you. Best thing we did. I love that I can paint walls, buy furniture specifically for a room, put up pictures, get the backyard landscaped, replace blinds and so on.

by Anonymousreply 24July 21, 2021 7:50 AM

[quote]Is it normal to feel this stressed out about buying a home?

You think you are stressed now? Just wait until the night before closing.

by Anonymousreply 25July 21, 2021 7:56 AM

R25 So true! You will hardly sleep and then dealing with both closing and moving in the same day is a nightmare!

by Anonymousreply 26July 21, 2021 8:12 AM

Yeah, everyone gets anxious and, yeah, it's a good move. My house is worth 3 times what I paid for it 15 years ago and rents are way beyond what we could afford. (SF Bay area.) Of course, we can't afford to move, but our only real regret is not buying earlier.

As long as you're not doing something crazily reckless (pre 2008 crazy mortgage stuff,,) you'll be fine.

by Anonymousreply 27July 21, 2021 8:18 AM

I think it comes down to individual outlook on life in general for being stressed about buying a house, closing, moving in. Try to enjoy it all, it’s a good thing after all.

by Anonymousreply 28July 21, 2021 8:26 AM

It is daunting and understandable you feel stressed, OP, but you’ll likely be happy you did it. Get good, reliable referrals for HVAC, etc. and set aside some money for repairs and maintenance. But also look at the fun things - decorating, more privacy, can you get a pet if you want. (And do not put shiplap anywhere. Goes without saying, I know.)

by Anonymousreply 29July 21, 2021 8:34 AM

It's a big step...financially and emotionally. Now, you're dealing with a mortgage, all repairs, property taxes...when, if you were renting, you just had to pay monthly rent and utilities. It's a big responsibility. It's a normal reaction. If you've done your homework and worked out the numbers financially, you will be fine. Congratulations on your new home!

by Anonymousreply 30July 21, 2021 9:06 AM

I'm 51 and bought my first home 10 years ago. Owning a home makes me feel secure in my middle age. Don't freak out, buying a home is a good thing.

by Anonymousreply 31July 21, 2021 9:11 AM

Buying a home adds equity. Maintaining and upgrading a home builds equity.

by Anonymousreply 32July 21, 2021 9:20 AM

R30 yes! That is what stresses me a little. No more picking up the phone to have the landlord fix things. It is stuff that I will have take care of now. Extra expenses that will be dealt with. We also have to pay an additional mello-roos tax in our area for the school district. We don’t even have kids. But I know it is worth it to live in the neighborhood we are buying in. It is an investment.

by Anonymousreply 33July 21, 2021 9:20 AM

Good luck to you both OP, it's a great move. We bought our house ages ago and has tripled in value. You don't want to be renting in your later years. Enjoy your first full night in your own home...such joy.

by Anonymousreply 34July 21, 2021 9:45 AM

"freaking out" ... "stressed out" ... "anxious" .... "scary"


by Anonymousreply 35July 21, 2021 9:58 AM

You keep talking about the stress of having to organize repairs yourself instead of calling the landlord. Reframe this because now you can; - choose your own tradesmen - you don’t have to wait for someone else to organize it - you can get proper, quality appliances rather than decades old shit that breaks down all the time.

by Anonymousreply 36July 21, 2021 10:02 AM

R36: exactly! There are so many positives that outweigh any negatives of owning your own place, especially moving in there with the man you love while relatively young. Don’t sweat the small stuff, enjoy the whole experience!

by Anonymousreply 37July 21, 2021 10:10 AM

I’m a single homeowner in my forties and everything you feel is what I still feel. For me it’s been 12 years but I started out moving in with someone initially. Then that didn’t work out so I took it on by myself. I had no choice really because the house was in my name only. My partner at the time couldn’t be added on the mortgage because of his bad credit. I know red flags right..

But I went on to deal this by myself which was not easy during the first few years.

But then I found it rather liberating not to have to pay rent to someone. Don’t get me wrong you will still have all the maintenance and repairs to worry about which I can’t fix shit.

But that’s why I’ve been working with certain warranty companies in the event something does break down.

Either way, congratulations to you and your partner on having the opportunity at being a first time home buyers. Also some of the other posters are right when they express what the benefits are in building equity for later retirement.

So I hope my story helps give you a broader sense of what homeownership is like.

Best wishes.

by Anonymousreply 38July 21, 2021 10:40 AM

Don't worry, OP. Owning a house is the best investment you will ever make. Here in Norway they urge everyone to own a home. We consider it a right. It's very important to get in on the housing market. Even poor people here have lots of opportunities, they can apply for special mortgages etc. I own a townhouse in a co-op. I'm very happy with my house. It's perfect for me because I'm single, that's why I wanted to live in a co-op.

by Anonymousreply 39July 21, 2021 10:47 AM

"And real estate goes up in value over time."

Not after we come out of the real estate bubble in which the US is currently.

by Anonymousreply 40July 21, 2021 10:56 AM

Your feelings are normal, OP! I just bought a place for the first time last year and couldn’t understand why people kept congratulating me. My mortgage is significantly less than anything I’ve ever paid in rent, but I still regret the decision overall. Owning a home has been unbelievably stressful…I started off excited to buy things for the house, but having to focus on HVAC and pest issues killed my momentum.

by Anonymousreply 41July 21, 2021 11:09 AM

Hopefully, within 6 months, after you have the whole thing furnished, you will absolutely love it. There’s a lot of security knowing you own a house.

Just be sure you live within your means and you’ve done all the financial calculations so you can really afford the mortgage, taxes, utilities and still have money to put away for retirement, commute, travel for leisure, etc

by Anonymousreply 42July 21, 2021 11:24 AM

[quote]My mortgage is significantly less than anything I’ve ever paid in rent, but I still regret the decision overall. Owning a home has been unbelievably stressful…

Huh? Having to find a pest control service, call, them, and have them arrive at the appointed time is that stressful? Or HVAC issues? HVAC systems need an annual tune-up, sometimes a minor part replacement, and they have lifespans of 15 years typically. Both of these issues are normally addressed in home purchase inspections and even the worst of these are good about identifying the exact age of an HVAC system and noting the expected replacement timeframe. No one much enjoys spending money on pest deterrence or new HVAC filters, let alone condensers —it's not the same sort of pleasure as buying a new sofa or replacing the ugly bathroom tile with something you really like, but it's not that stressful unless you're a complete "Mary!" Other people have done what you are doing, in vast numbers, and carried on in life.

by Anonymousreply 43July 21, 2021 11:35 AM

Real estate might go down in value at times....still, you can sell your home and have some money, if you need to. Renting...you will never have that. It really is what is best for each individual. Homeownership isn't for everyone. Sometimes, renting is a better option. You have to weigh the pros and cons for your situation.

by Anonymousreply 44July 21, 2021 1:47 PM

I can't imagine buying things with people. That would scare me more than a mortgage or buyer's remorse.

Either I buy it or you buy it. Relationships come and go.

by Anonymousreply 45July 21, 2021 1:57 PM

OP I was terrified at my closing, had to text a friend to talk me down. But after 12 years I know I made the right decision. And get the tallest fucking fence you can.

by Anonymousreply 46July 21, 2021 2:04 PM

It's normal to feel a little overwhelmed when you buy. You're old enough to fully understand the responsibility which probably adds to it. Other posters are right, real estate generally goes up and even if it doesn't, you're not paying some one else every month. The early stages of home ownership will make you feel like you're spending even more (BECAUSE YOU ARE!)--painting buying yard tools, etc. You may find that you spend more time at home which may offset the expense. Given that rents tend to go up every year, as long as your earning power increases, you're probably ahead.

I've had different degrees of attachment to the places I've owned. You needn't assume this is your forever place and if it isn't think in terms of investment rather than being frivolous in your expenses--don't do renovations you don't really need (unless something has been sitting there for 50 years and truly needs replacement, you'll never make back the cost of renovation).

by Anonymousreply 47July 21, 2021 2:08 PM

R44 It's not just about the investment, it's about owning something. You can do whatever you want with it. It's not the same as renting. You feel accomplished owning your own home. The most important thing is getting in on the housing market. Yes, price will go up and down. It's a longterm investment, but in the end it's worth it.

by Anonymousreply 48July 21, 2021 2:14 PM

I agree. ^^

by Anonymousreply 49July 21, 2021 2:27 PM

Buying at the top of a bubble. I would freak out also.

by Anonymousreply 50July 21, 2021 2:40 PM

[quote] It's not just about the investment, it's about owning something. You can do whatever you want with it. It's not the same as renting. You feel accomplished owning your own home.

Exactly, R48. I like historic properties and among those it's difficult to find a property that hasn't been wildly overdone or that needs everything. I have to look instead for something that falls in my comfort zone of a project I'm comfortable managing.

I can't imagine renting a property long-term and thinking "I hate the fucking ugly kitchen sink" and "Who picked these hideous tiles," every day, for years.

by Anonymousreply 51July 21, 2021 3:47 PM

it is completely normal to feel this way. Owning a house is a large responsibility. It ties you down and you can't just get up and leave at the end of the month. But once you get settled in you will realize it was the best thing to do. If down the line you don't want to own a home anymore you can sell it and You get the money.

I personally hated apt. living. Too many restrictions, what you can and can't do, the hours you have to be quiet because of the people below you. Chance of other people burning the place down. People who smoke and you have to smell it. Sometimes other peoples odors from cooking didn't bother me but sometimes they did. If anyone ever tried to make me to leave my house they would have to carry me out kicking and screaming.

Once you adjust it is a completely freeing experience. One warning though, you will not own the house, the house will own you. ....I promise you will be so happy you did this.

by Anonymousreply 52July 21, 2021 3:56 PM

I'd like my own tent.

by Anonymousreply 53July 21, 2021 5:15 PM

Buying a house is not for everybody, including me (don't own a house). Even if I were able / desirous to buy a house, I'd have a hard time pooling funds with someone else to do it.

However, it sounds like OP has done his homework. He and his partner seem suited to be homeowners. It's a huge amount of money to spend. The stress is understandable.

Good luck, OP. Enjoy your new house.

by Anonymousreply 54July 21, 2021 6:56 PM

[quote]I'd like my own tent.

Why? So you can hoard your collection of maggots?

by Anonymousreply 55July 21, 2021 7:04 PM

OP, about buying furniture? My very wealthy cousin buys from estate sales. She goes all the time, and focuses on the best neighborhoods. She says 90% of her furnishings and decor was bought new. when she gets tired of something she posts an ad on Craigslist or local neighborhood app. Sells the stuff for what she paid or more. Just an idea for you.

by Anonymousreply 56July 21, 2021 8:49 PM

I meant used. 90% was bought used.

by Anonymousreply 57July 21, 2021 8:50 PM

[quote]I can't imagine buying things with people. That would scare me more than a mortgage or buyer's remorse.

OP is married, so it’s fine. Now buying a house with just a boyfriend? Bad idea (see R38).

by Anonymousreply 58July 21, 2021 10:25 PM

My sister, who owns a house has told me countless times, "A house is a thief." She said they have spent unbelievable money throughout the years on maintenance and repairs. And I personally know three people who bought their houses in the bubble of '08 and literally walked away after the market crashed. The housing market right now is not sustainable so anyone buying right now is going to have a huge shock when the bubble bursts. And for those saying housing only goes up, I know of several folks who bought houses 10 years ago and they are worth essentially the same now because they are in shitty areas. And that's after they put in all the work. Remember, you don't actually "own" the house until it's paid off.

by Anonymousreply 59July 21, 2021 10:49 PM

My mom always said that there are only two things in life you can’t change your mind about: suicide and having a baby. Other than those, you can always say “ I changed my mind, I made a mistake, I’m moving on”. There may be some consequences to the decision, but it’s comforting to know that you are not “trapped”.

With a house, there will always be surprises, but if you do your homework, spend the money to get a good home inspection, confer with your broker about price and resale, and research the neighborhood, you’ll be fine. And if after a year or two, you decide that home ownership is not for you, you can sell. If you’ve chosen wisely, you’ll most likely get more for the property than you paid. So don’t freak out. It’s really not scary if you understand that it’s not an irreversible decision.

by Anonymousreply 60July 21, 2021 10:51 PM

Totally normal. I bought three homes and had buyers remorse (briefly) after each one.

by Anonymousreply 61July 22, 2021 3:27 AM
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