Let’s be Soap Opera Clichés

I’m the long-lost, sibling/spouse/parent used as a plot device to boost indifferent ratings.

I'm the scene that ends with a couple embracing, with shots of one of them smiling and the other one looking troubled on the other side

I am SORAS, master of time and aging.

I'm the long pause in the middle of a conversation so commercials can air.

I'm the popular character who everyone thought died but since ratings are starting to drop, it is revealed I am actually alive after all.

I am the oft favored shot where a character turns her back to the other actor and delivers involved dialogue so both actors are in frame. No one in real life talks this way.

Look at your life, Op.

I'm pregnant

I'm the rapist who doesn't go to jail and even ends up marrying the woman I raped because the female viewers are excited by me.

I'm the male hunky characters who CAN'T WAIT to marry their female loves. And they would too, once that other woman gets out of the way! Proceed to conflict between the female lover and the woman making it impossible.

These are the most marriage-oriented men you'll ever find in both fiction and non-fiction.

You wife has just returned from the dead to stop your wedding!

Amnesia that lasts years and years.

I'm a murder (killing off a character whose actor wanted too much money) followed by an endless trial.

I'm the murder plot of a super villain who is widely loathed and admonished by the entire town and almost any character he shared a past with could've done.

I'm your evil twin.

I'm the relatively empty cafe or bar with only 1 or 2 people in the background and with no one buying anything. Waitstaff doesn't exist.

[quote] I'm the murder plot of a super villain who is widely loathed and admonished by the entire town and almost any character he shared a past with could've done.

I’m the town wondering why a super villain would select me in which to reside when there are cities like London, Paris, Rome, Istanbul, Moscow and Shanghai in which to live.

I'm the overheard conversation by a lurking villainess which provides her with the ammunition to be able to blackmail the ingenue to nobly staying clear of the man they both want and breaking his heart in an effort to save him from some torment. I cause all kinds of problems and can be dragged on and put away for a years unless there's a sweeps period that really needs a lift.

r18 is watching Y&R.

I'm the earrings Donna or Felicia used to take off every time she would talk on the phone.

I’m the newly arrived black woman (conveniently, right after the only other black female character left town) and on my first day I cross paths with the only other black male in town, and we have an unpleasant first encounter… never foreseeing that we will be a couple in three months.

I'm the reformed bad girl getting a taste of her own medicine when the new bad girl comes along and sets out to destroy her. Chances are that the new bad girl, if she lasts long enough, will one day be the Margo Channing to newcomer Eve Harrington, and Eve to new arrival Phoebe. By this time, the first two women will be surprise good friends.

R18 I actually haven't seen a soap since OLTL was axed. Is that really happening on Y&R currently? That's incredible how these plots are just rinsed and repeated for decades.

Sorry meant R19

I am the incessant eavesdropping that happens everywhere in town - at the hospital, the town's finest restaurants, the fashion boutique.

And especially in the home of a rural, working class family, with a screen door made for easy eavesdropping on those expecting a modicum of privacy on their front porch.

r23 Sally has so far succeeded in her plot to break up Summer and Kyle, r22. She convinced Eric Forrester to get some Italian design house to hire Summer to come work in Milan. Sally's partner-in-crime Tara, who recently arrived in Genoa City with Kyle's son Harrison, is in on it, too. Tara's priming Kyle for her eventual takeover of his mind, body, and soul. The longer Summer stays away, the closer Kyle will come to fucking, and eventually proposing to Tara.

I’m the car crash. We are one of the main causes of soap opera deaths.

I’m the hot new doctor who’s fucked every woman young and old in town. You rarely see me with a shirt on. I’m also the only doctor in town and do everything from root canals to brain surgery.

I’m the radio or tv. I’m only ever turned on at the precise moment some important news bulletin is being reported.

I am the town's self-centered bad girl. I am always stirring something up and causing trouble. I'll steal your man, your money, and your mansion. I am often times brunette and one of the best dressed women on the show.

[quote] By this time, the first two women will be surprise good friends.

Or they've discovered they're related, such as long-lost sisters. Of course, in reality, one of them is pretending to be the long-lost sister....

I'm the toddler who left for school and came back a full grown adult.

[quote] I’m the car crash. We are one of the main causes of soap opera deaths.

And you make us a suburban joke, and we will never forgive you for that!

I'm one of the babies switched at birth. Thankfully not the dead one

No one gets in a car on a soap opera unless someone's about to get killed or become crippled.

I'm the chorus of teen and young adult children of main characters that no one ever knew about. Apparently, the female main characters have the ability to give birth without weight gain outside of a hospital and seclude these children far, far away.

I’m the headache that a character mentions.

In a couple of weeks, I will be a full blown brain tumor.

[quote] I’m also the only doctor in town and do everything from root canals to brain surgery.

And that doctor also handles resurrections.

I'm the Twin you just discovered!

I'm the young gay male staring at my horsehung stepfather's eye popping bulge.

With any heterosexual characters, we'd be in bed before sundown, but gays live chaste lives on soaps. Mother Teresa gets more action than we do.

R38, are you also evil like the twin at R15?

[quote] I'm the chorus of teen and young adult children of main characters that no one ever knew about

AKA “NuTeens”.

r40 No I'm the good one. Or am I?> dun dun dunnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

I’m the son of the core family who has been de-SORASed, remaining vaguely in my mid thirties for three decades due to successive recasts.

[quote] I'm the relatively empty cafe or bar with only 1 or 2 people in the background and with no one buying anything. Waitstaff doesn't exist.

I’m the ever-dwindling budget responsible for the relatively empty cafe or bar.

I'm the person walking in on a kiss between two characters who I didn't know were having an affair. I stop and stare at the camera for an eternity with the couple being none the wiser.

My feet walk on air and the doors make no noise when I enter.

[quote] I'm the toddler who left for school and came back a full grown adult.

I am SORAS. Before me you rightly tremble.

Well hello, I’m Brendad Ickson and if not for Bill Bell I’d still have a job. Now I’m hocking potatoe salad.

I am the same one hotel room/suite that at least five different characters stay in. The audience is tired of seeing me.

I'm the formal living rooms where we spend 90% of our time and greet our guests. Open concept design has not hit our town yet.

We prefer to be dressed in business suits and formal dresses when lounging at home in our living rooms. Always with shoes and high heels on - as normal people do.

Our children have no toys and our pets are kept outside.

I'm budget cuts, and I'm responsible for the hotel room at R48 and the fact that people come to have lunch or coffee in either the hotel or hospital cafeteria now.

I'm also responsible for the dead possums and/or lump of fried straw passing for hair on the heads of many performers.

We went from Barneys to Big Lots in the blink of an eye.

R50 - stop being a party pooper - we know they have limited budgets. Duh.

I'm the person asked a question, then I smile a little smile and don't respond, because we're going to a commercial.

I’m the established character who winds up blind or in a wheelchair. Miraculously, I will be instantly cured, usually around sweeps.

I’m the offspring of one or more long term characters. I am endlessly recast because my portrayers either leave for prime time/film, or fired for their ineptitude.

I am the really good Friday cliff hanger. Unfortunately I don't exist any more.

I'm the 80-year-old aging soap lead who refuses to believe it looks ridiculous that a 20-year-old actress would be into me.

R56 Hi Bob Woods!

I mean Eric Braeden!

I'm the character who gets horribly disfigured in a fire or accident. I then undergo one plastic surgery and miraculously have no disfigurement and sometimes I end up being played by a new actor or actress after the bandages come off.

[quote] sometimes I end up being played by a new actor or actress after the bandages come off.

The new look being explained by the plastic surgery.

I'm the male character who delivers his love interest's baby who is fathered by another man. I often end up being more of a father figure to the child than the biological father.

I am a telenovela plot. My husband's lover's girlfriend hired a hitman for a drug cartel to administer a non-lethal dose of morphine to have her unconscious during a night time tryst with his mistress/daughter but being untrained in the medical arts he hired a nurse who was his former lover to do the deed not knowing that she was actually her biological daughter seeking revenge for having abandoned her as a child and once adopted later serving as her maid. That sealed her fate.

r60, he who takes the baby out is just as important in the baby's life than he who puts the baby in. Sometimes more so.

"Look at your life, Op."

Caftan, trailer, LPSG, Datalounge...

I'm the short storyline arc that involves a former cast member returning to play the ghost of a deceased character. The short storyline arc usually involves the ghost character returning to give advice to one or more current characters.

[quote] sometimes I end up being played by a new actor or actress after the bandages come off.

I have you bitches beat.

Sometimes I am played by one actor when the scene starts and by another when the scene is over.

I'm the scheming, conniving woman who is constantly disrupting other people's lives by constantly lying and manipulating everyone around me.

I'm the "super couple" that keeps breaking up and getting back to together, and marrying and divorcing and remarrying again and again and again.

I'm the front door that's never locked by the actor when they leave the house.

I'm the baby that was kidnapped, for many months. The show spent a lot of time on my storyline, and I'm an ugly ass baby. Just imagine in three months when they find me, and I'm three years old now!

I'm the rich debutante that gets to manage her father's business when he retires. I'm immediately successful and turn the company around, without any experience or even a business degree!

I'm the scene that takes place in the car.

I will always end in an accident.

I'm the big company that is the center of a family or two and a source of many storylines.

Despite our town having only a few thousand people, our company has a skyscraper in the middle of town. We have a billion dollar mu;ticonglomerate, despite no one having any idea what we do or what we sell.

Our leadership changes every few months. Everyone but the illegitimate child and family dog has been CEO in the last year, including the shameless hussy who was waitressing a few months ago and the cafe owner.

R71, meet R34. Be careful - don’t crash into each other.

I’m the plain Jane mousy Marian the Librarian who gets outed as being super hot with a rock in’ bod.

I'm the totally flamboyant florist, hairdresser, interior decorator, wedding planner, etc. who'd pop in for a couple of underfive episodes back in the 80s and 90s.

Not sure, but I think I might be dead now.

But since it's a soap, one never knows!

Silver’s transformation from mousy drudge to glamorous, scheming, sex kitten was the storyline that got me into soaps.

Back to the game: I’m the “bad girl” who gets knocked up, thereby braking up the young super couple for a while. Sometimes I lie about who the real father is. The truth always comes out.

I'm the fairly average looking girl who inexplicably is the center of attention for every hot guy in town.

I'm the baseball cap of invisibility.

Put me on with a pair of sunglasses and no one will recognize you.

I am the ageing leading man who thanks to SORAS am now dating a child I delivered three years ago.

I am the identical-twin-gimmick, which will either show the portrayer rise to the occasion (David Canary, Martha Byrne) or expose them as an amateur (Adrienne Frantz, Vicky Wyndham).

I’m the actor who comes back as a completely different character a few years later. (Josh Taylor, Judi Evans).

I am the actress who is only five or six years older than the people who are cast as my children.

I am the young actress who is supposed to be in love with the man who is old enough to be my father or grandfather. You have no idea how much I don't look forward to coming to work. And he has the nerve to think he's too hot to be paired with a woman his age.

I am rape, alcoholism, and a multiple personality disorder, my only purpose is to get a whiny actor an Emmy.

I'm the old biddy who pours coffee and listens to every one's sad stories. Then I call my old biddy girlfriends and we laugh our asses off at you bitches.

We're Incest, Near Incest and Faux Incest.

I'm the Snyder crotch cam.

I'm the DNA test which is about as reliable as a condom made of Swiss cheese.

I'm the flashback to a scene that had to be re-taped because the character is now played by a different actor.

I'm the outdoor park scene that somehow has palm trees in the distant background even though I'm supposed to be in the Midwest, Mid-Atlantic or New England.

I'm the hugely successful career even though they are rarely in work

"I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ANYMORE!"

I'm the offstage sounds picked up by the mics of the actors.

I'm the character who "stops by" the hospital to discuss something with the character who works there, as if phones don't exist.

I’m the newborn baby who looks 6 months old and has been born, to comic effect, literally anywhere other than in a hospital - and no more than 5 minutes after the first contraction.

I’m the teenager who has a toke on a joint and within a week is fighting a crystal meth addiction

I’m the delicate cough that is always lung cancer and never a cold

I’m the 13 year old, who has been on screen since birth, who goes to camp for a summer and comes home with a new head

I'm the camera who shows an auto repair shop with New Jersey Area Code 908 sign, when the story is set in Illinois.

I'm the sad gay who gets dumped all time and starts to fuck women because I'm weak and vulnerable.

I am the backstage meltdown when the 30 year old leading actress learns that her child has been SORAS'ed to 18.

and...

I am the gay storyline where the charaters jump on the bed instead of having any kind of physical intimacy.

I'm the new young male actor whose scenes take place in locales where I don't have to wear a shirt, like the beach, the gym, a church, the library...

I'm the open heart surgery scar that completely disappears after a month.

I’m the forced-sounding cough that ushers in a fatal disease.

We're the large supply of maids uniforms, usually powder blue though, we can't keep!

I am the stunning woman who remains unnoticed by all the male characters until she takes her glasses off.

I'm the actor being interviewed by a soap magazine explaining that I'm just too busy to date and haven't found the right person yet.

Im the pregnancy guaranteed after just one encounter with a penis

I'm the pregnant 50-year-old who gives birth to twins.

I'm the gal who has slept with two people within 24 hours, just to ensure there's confusion about who's the daddy.

R17 must be in Port Charles.

I could never figure out why it was such a hotbed of international intrigue when I watched in high school.

I am the international airport in the small midwestern town that has direct flight access to everywhere.

Going along with the empty cafes, I am the hot nightspot that has a few extras dancing awkwardly in the background.

I'm La Vitra, the sassy black women who runs the local beauty salon. I am the only sensible person on the show and white ladies from all around come to hear my wisdom

[quote] I'm the pregnant 50-year-old who gives birth to twins.

Please, even one is enough at that age.

I’m the meeting spot where nothing ever goes right, yet everyone still meets(the dock, Horton Square, etc). There will be a close up of a gunshot, followed by slow motion movement of all the characters, but since it’s Friday you won’t find out who was shot until next week.

ENJOY YOU WEEKEND.

I am the resolution of the Who Shot Somebody storyline that makes absolutely no sense and the plot holes have plot holes.

^And I’m the disappointment when the revealed shooter is the least interesting of all the suspects.

I'm the disappointed look on the writers' faces each time the network tells them, no, they may not tell a gay love story.

I'm the missing toilet in every bathroom.

I'm the sexless relationship every gay couple in the 80's had on soaps.

I'm the aircraft set, where one person has the cabin to himself, or there's two other people, usually in seating one only sees in First Class even though I'm in row 23.

I'm the Friday afternoon cliffhanger. "Mr. Foreman. Please read the verdict"......

I am the black female judge in R120's courtroom.

I'm the elaborate masquerade party, where even a dirt-poor farmer is dressed to the nines, and which lasts for two weeks.

I’m the older former movie actor who can only get soap work now. I have a hard time learning all those lines, but I still think I’m better than all these “soap actors”.

I'm the hairless shaved chest of every actor who takes his shirt off just to show he's kept in shape.

I am a member of the main family who was written out a few years ago and doesn't return to town for family funerals and/or weddings. Usually no mention is made of my absence.

I'm the "who's-the-daddy" DNA test that continually gets messed with by sinister characters.

I"m the matriarch of the poor family who at one time in college, or high school or on a beach when we were teenagers fucked the patriarch of the rich family but was dumped because I was from the wrong side of the tracks - and married a coal miner, bartender, working-class man but had the rich man's baby and never told him - so my son Hunter/Block/Storm/Knife if really the son of the richest man in town and will find out when he needs a blood transfusion/kidney/bone marrow transplant.....

I'm the lavish wedding interrupted by the groom's ex-girlfriend who shows up right at the "speak now or forever hold your peace" moment carrying his newborn baby.

I don't know who the father of my baby is!

What? The man I thought was my father isn't my father?

I'm any character who has ever appeared on a soap opera. You will never see me watching TV.

I'm the silent extra who nods their head and walks away after being given a long specific set of instructions by one of the main characters because it apparently it costs a small fortune in order for me to speak a few words.

Looking at you, Y&R.

I am the all-plot storyline, and I'm like a BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF FIRE alarm, but writers and producers turn to me to boost ratings.

In my original recipe, I am a storm, tornado, car accident, hurricane, building collapse, e'quake, or other such thing.

I also come in a sci-fi/fantasy flavor, including but not limited to: aliens, time travel, cloning, freezing the world, and more.

We're the hacks who are producing and writing the soap, who have each been previously fired from no less than three other soap operas, but for some INSANE reason the suits think there will be different result now that they've paired us. LOL!

We're the defunct department stores and boutiques that provided all the fashions.

A lot of good that did!

I'm the slut from the Valley who has slept with everyone and their father.

[quote]I'm the Friday afternoon cliffhanger. "Mr. Foreman. Please read the verdict"......

I'm the actor playing Mr. Foreman. Soaps can no longer afford to pay me and other under five types.

I'm the couch in the living room where people sit but also have passionate and sometimes adulterous sex because the show can't afford a bedroom set.

What do you mean the babies were switched?

I am a living TV legend, now secretly desperately for camera time, doing a three episode arc on my favorite soap.

I am the young 80's gayling racing home from school to watch my favorite soap. Later that night I will recite the episode's most dramatic speech into the mirror.

I'm the dramatic Cat Fight. Best done at a pool.

I'm the robe that drops to the floor to showcase naked legs, which means some hot sex that they're not going to show you is about to take place.

I'm the lips of the actors playing gay characters that never meet in a kiss. Said actors must maintain at least twelve inches of distance in any scene where we're found in bed together. And that scene must include dialogue about our ex-wives/girlfriends, as well as the concern of our families/friends/loved ones/vicars/co-workers/servers at the local mom and pop greasy spoon, about our 'preferences.'

I'm the dozens of miscarriages and doppelganger storylines that happened within a 5 year period on Y&R.

Speaking of what r55 said,

I'm, during the last 60 seconds of the episode which takes place at a funeral or wedding, each character's shocked face that the camera, one-by-one, pans to for a close-up as we react to whoever it is that just walked in.

You won't see who we're eacting to until Monday.

I'm the histrionics (screaming, crying, smashing things) that constitutes "great acting" on a soap opera. Judith Light and Anthony Geary are masters of it.

I’m the victim/witness in the attempted murder trial of the lead heroine forced through unlikely badgering by the town’s beloved attorney that I wasn’t pushed down the stairs, but threw myself down, risking death to hide the fact that I had already miscarried the baby that was keeping my husband from going back to the heroine.

I'm the newborn baby that miraculously ages ten years in five short years and becomes the center of a child custody battle or a "who's my daddy?" storyline. In another two years, I'll age another ten years, fall in love with my step-sibling and together we become the young supercouple of the decade.

I'm a woman returning from a day of shopping where my packages always include a hat box, and then grabbing a drink from my bar cart that is always stocked with ice.

I’m the housekeeper. I’m almost always wacky or eccentric, except when I’m secretive and villainous.

I'm the staircase - enemy of pregnant soap women and unborn soap babies for decades.

I'm the off-camera glance and shifting gaze that the female character gives as the scene cuts to commercial, when she's learned that her man is cheating on her.

I am the senior citizen patriarch who has been on the show for years. I am past my expiration date. Despite my multiple misdeeds and sins, I never get in trouble or pay for my crimes. The producers and writers cater to the ego of the man who portrays me, including coupling me with hot chicks who would never look my way in real life. I am really impressed with myself, although the audience is not. They find me annoying and want me to get off their screens. Half the time the audience does not understand a word I am saying. The show could get a much better villain for half of what they are paying me (maybe even a third).

I'm the perfectly-tailored orange jumpsuit the heroine is dressed in when when she's locked up in prison for a crime she didn't commit.

I am the timeline that defeats physics. The Thanksgiving funeral took a week, the morning after was another week. And right after that, we open Christmas gifts.

I am the super villain or the most beloved sweetheart who just died. Or did I? My car sunk in the lake, or I was trapped in that burning house. It was impossible to rescue me; it was so tragic. And you never got to see my dead body. In two or three years I'll be back and let you all know how I got away after all.

I am glasses. I only sit on smart peoples' noses. Every non-nerd wears contacts. My best trick: You think I am a nerd, too ugly to look at. But once I take my glasses off, I am beautiful and irresistible. And I am no longer a nerd.

I am the show's leading actress. I've been a fresh, dewy, 35-40ish for the 40 years I've been on the show.

I'm the 16-year old character played by a 24-year old actor who they're dressing and styling like a 12-year old in a lame attempt to try to make things even out.

I'm Chiffon and I am plotting to destroy Caress.

R160 I’m the 23 year old character played by a 16 year old actress because they wanted to make the leading lady seem younger until the fans balked.

I'm the well stocked liquor cart/cabinet in the middle of the living/sitting room even though the lady of the house is a recovering alcoholic.

I'm Moldavia.

I’m the butterball turkey. Everyone has to have an obligatory line about how succulent I am due to product placement.

R141 I’m now reliving that memory on DL on a Friday night in place of the rich fulfilling life that never came to be.

Which one of you bitches is my mother???!

I am the rubber mask worn by one character to imitate another. I am of such high quality that the masks used by the CIA look like dollar store masks in comparison. I am also so realistic that I am able to distract others from noticing the obvious change in body measurements.

I’m the majestic Pennsylvania Ocean frequented by the residents of Pine Valley and Llanview.

I'm all the breakfasts that never get touched.

I am the coffee she started to make. I think she has just finished making me. When she started it was two months ago in your (viewer) time. She will finish drinking me two months from today.

I am sorry to interrupt the game, but I am still dealing with the scene that r65 posted. I have so many questions. How on earth can they do one scene with the same character played by two actors? They couldn't re-write the episode or at least this scene? Was the casting change permanent, or did the second actor just fill in temporarily? Did the first actor ever get work again - assuming that he was responsible for the cast change? What was the reason for the cast change?

R172 I'll try to answer your questions.

The actor who left was Roscoe Born. He did actually work again, including a long-ish stint on Y&R, DAYS and a return to One Life to Live on ABC, the same network he walked from.

As I understand it, the storyline with his character was about to turn ugly - the character, Jim, was going to be revealed as a pedo, and Born just said "Sorry, this is horrifying and I cannot do it" and walked. And apparently, the middle of that scene was where he left, so yes, they totally had to pick up where he last filmed a complete scene.

It was not a super established character and I think once David Forsyth (actor 2) came in, they played out whatever and then wrote or killed that character off.

There's been a few other times that actors changed in the middle of a show, but it was done in a more wink wink, jokey way and the prior actor was leaving on at least somewhat good terms. I believe one of the times the actors playing Mason on Santa Barbara switched, and one of the Jack changes on DAYS.

I know what you mean about reshooting but soaps are so low budget and so fast moving, I guess they felt like "okay, let's just go." Soaps do ridiculous things sometimes because it's kinda like vaudeville - there's time to fill, scenes to play and something, no matter what, has to be on that stage.

I am an anomaly. I am the daughter who wasn't seen for years and years before I made a sudden appearance towards the end.

It wasn't technically in the middle of a scene, there appears to be a commercial break. So Roscoe was playing the role in Teaser/Scene A... hold/pause, commerical break, then they pick up on the two in Act 1/Scene B, David is playing the role.

On Days I believe it was done within the same scene in the same act. Jack and Jennifer were in the shower and then it got steamy and hot ass Mark Valley turned into Steve Wilder, when the steam went away.

I can't remember but I thought Mason on Santa Barbara was done with a punch. Someone punched Terry Lester, Mason fell down and when he got up, he was Gordon Thompson.

There are only television shows! It's okay if they are imperfect, either by expediency or design. And a sense of humor goes a long way. Wasn't there a soap in which a young actress went into a hug with the actress playing her mother and, after the hug, another young actress emerged?

I am the enormous George H. W. Bush-era earring a female character removes to have a deeply important phone call.

I complement the equally gigantic hair the actress has.

[quote] Wasn't there a soap in which a young actress went into a hug with the actress playing her mother and, after the hug, another young actress emerged?

This might have been Passions. Sort of ringing a bell but can't remember the details.

R176 Babe on All My Children

R179 you are correct!

Praying in the hospital chapel and finding reconciliation through the words of a stranger in the back pew.

We're usually very wealthy and occasionally working class. Middle class people don't exist in our world.

I'm the day that lasts two weeks.

I'm the rapist and/or mobster who some proportion of the audience thinks is irresistible who the suits decide to make the "hero" of the show, despite the criminality, in the endless pursuit of ratings and therefore revenue.

I'm the unlocked front door of every resident of the town that allows enemies to come barging in at any time to air their grievances and interrupt crucial moments.

I'm the only hospital room.

I'm a small brown paper bag. When you see me, you know there's a pregnancy test kit inside.

I'm the complete lack of telephones anywhere that necessitates people constantly showing up at one another's homes for dramatic confrontations.

I’m the young person who decides to study medicine and within six weeks is an expert diagnostician & permanently on-call hospital medic, always on hand for heart attacks/birthing/comas and brain tumours.

I'm birth control, and, apparently, I don't exist.

I am a washer & dryer. I do not exist. Apparently people are able to clean their clothes by magic even though the main sponsor of this program is a major manufacturer of detergent.

I am the auto mechanic turned race car driver who pens a bestselling novel who later becomes a TV producer, who then is revealed to also be a lawyer and a doctor.

I'm the breakout character who became immensely popular but also derailed the soap in the process completely changing what the show was originally about and taking the focus off of certain characters. In exactly the same way Jaleel White and Jimmie Walker changed Family Matters and Good Times respectively.

*COUGH*Sonny Corinthos and Devon Hamilton among others*COUGH*

I'm the dialogue line: Excuse me, to get someone out of scene.

If you had a dollar or a drink for every time I get used, you would be so drunk you couldn't count how rich you are.

I'm cancer. On these fucking shows, I am beaten. To a pulp. Every time.

Not so fast, Von Ryan.

I'm the soap that no one watched so it got canceled and then, miraculously, in the show's final weeks or months my quality goes through the roof.

[quote]I'm the soap that no one watched so it got canceled and then, miraculously, in the show's final weeks or months my quality goes through the roof.

I am an example of the LACK of network interference that the above quote sites about the show's final months.

Amen, R198.

I recall Sunset Beach, One Life to Live and Guiding Light all getting SO MUCH better in the final months.

Actually, OLTL was solid for quite some time before its cancellation.

I'm the chocolate chip cookies made by the cook that kid characters are rushed into the kitchen to eat lest they run afoul of child actor work laws.

I'm the exclusive Swiss Boarding School, SORASing *ahem* educating soap kids for 50 years.

I’m the military school that a slightly naughty 12 year old boy is threatened with,

I’m also the dropped grocery sack (containing only oranges) that heralds a new love interest.

I'm the homoerotic tension between two straight male characters that only gay viewers sense.

I'm thinking someone should bottle me and name a perfume after me.

I'm the line "I'll take a rain check," that no one ever uses in real life but soap scripts use pretty often.

I’m the full makeup/hair that every actress maintains, in all situations. Waking up from an all night lovemaking session, prison scenes, etc. However, if the actress sports a Bandaid or steri-strips, you know they’ve had a near death experience or near fatal car wreck.

I'm the medical test results easily tampered with by any resident of the town who has a score to settle.

R173, I remember when fan favorite Allyson Rice Taylor (Connor Walsh) was unceremoniously dumped from ATWT, her last scene had her making a telephone call. On the next show, she was still on the call, but it was awful Susan Batten playing the role .One of the worst recasts ever.

I'm the gynecological problem that causes doctors to tell a female character that she'll never be able to get pregnant again, but then a few years later, she is.

I’m the cozy cabin in the middle of nowhere that magically appears when characters are on the run.

I'm the vasectomy that fails.

I'm cheesy soap opera names. Fallon, Kirby, Sammy Jo, Afton...have you ever encountered anyone in real life with these (first) names?

R211, you forgot Bliss and Sable.

[quote]R211, you forgot Bliss and Sable.

Ahem.

R197 which one exactly? Not the P&G soaps, which went out with a whimper 🙁

R212 and Ridge, Thorne, and Storm…

I'm the other side of the railroad tracks from whence all the poor, but sexually alluring characters grew up.

[quote]and Ridge, Thorne, and Storm…

and Trucker, Jagger, Suede and Stone...

...and Dominique Devereux!

[quote] I'm the vasectomy that fails.

I don't think there was ever a soap vasectomy that was successful. It's like, 'oh he is having a vasectomy? He must be becoming a father within the next two years. They will fight for two months about her possibly cheating on him and three months later she is giving birth to a six-month old baby.'

I interrupt this thread to agree with R207. Susan Batten was indeed one of the worst recasts in all of daytime. I do not know what the decision makers on that show was thinking.

I am the hurricane, blizzard, ice storm, flood, etc. that necessitates a dramatic birth somewhere other than a hospital.

(See Liza Colby’s breech birth in a motel without ever removing her pantyhose and suit jacket! I always wondered whether Marcy Walker had a contract clause that kept her modestly dressed after she went fundie.)

I am also the gift-wrapped present whose lid is separately wrapped to avoid cleaning the set.

Additionally, I am the former long-term character who is suddenly coming up in conversations after years of not being mentioned. This means the actor is coming back in a few weeks.

Finally, I am the debut scene for a troublemaking young female. I am wearing a bathing suit or have to answer the door in a towel.

I'm the shock that causes a miscarriage.

I'm also the flawless plastic surgery that gives me a flawless new face after I disappeared following the fire/explosion/kidnapping that marred my old one. I may happen several times, depending on how popular I am. Also, I may revert to the old face. Try not to think about it.

I'm the town whore.

No is simply not a word in my vocabulary. I am the town bicycle and every man of age has taken a ride, with horny young teenagers biding their time in line.

I've married at least two, sometimes even more, men from the same family, including a man old enough to be my grandfather several times over.

I often have a voice like a raspy drunk, curse like a sailor and have a vagina that's stretched out wider than Chrissy Metz's underwear elastic, yet I am considered the very image of beauty, femininity and grace by the men in my town

I'm the crazy love struck rich bitch who drugs the secondary or tertiary handsome male lead in the first act. I spend the second act lovingly stripping him down to his snowy white briefs so his true love can arrive just in time to catch us lounging in bed after a faux post coital evening and the closing credits. I am particularly popular with our telenovela brothers and sisters.

Don't want to derail the thread but are there Christian or religious soap operas where the heroines are always chaste and the bad woman (because, you know, it's never the man's fault) either becomes reformed or gets her comeuppance?

I am a huge bulge.

You'll never see me on daytime.....well, almost never, unless something just slips.

[quote]I interrupt this thread to agree with [R207]. Susan Batten was indeed one of the worst recasts in all of daytime. I do not know what the decision makers on that show was thinking.

They were not thinking. They were the idiots brought over from ABC, Felicia Mini-Brain and MADD (Mickey Against Daytime Drama).

I am the long-running character who goes to mail a letter and is never heard from again.

"I am a huge bulge. You'll never see me on daytime....."

You've obviously never seen A. Martinez.

I’m Serial Psycho Monticello. No one likes me. Even my TRUE love Spicen turned on me.

I’m the secret that cannot be told without someone overhearing it.

[quote]I'm the formal living rooms where we spend 90% of our time and greet our guests. Open concept design has not hit our town yet.

I'm the fresh ice on the bar in the living room that's available anytime of the day or night that anyone drops in to visit. It never melts.

Would you like a drink?

R211, when I was a teenager in the 80s, I created a soap opera and named the lead heroine Ontario!

I'm the lying, man stealing tramp.

I cause great pain to many. But often, I am redeemed and become the heroine of the show.

I’m the “ripped from the headlines” social issue storyline that will be lauded by the soap press as “ground breaking” and “brave,” and will win a slew of Daytime Emmys that year. It’s a massive circle jerk.

I’m the uptight frauen who make up the fan base. I hate “those” women.

I’m Constance Ford. A lezzie.

Were the cups and mugs that people are drinking out of that actually have nothing in them.

I'm the person who arrives in town, sneakily looking around and spying on people or discreetly seen eating out but not revealing one's identity.

I am a new hire for the show and the writers are taking these few days to decide whether I am someone's secret spouse, or someone's secret unknown child.

I'm the Snyder Farm Kitchen Eavesdropping Porch. People like r231 are my raison d'etre. Julie? Iva?

I'm the very hot male character with a beautiful face, amazing body and sweet ass.

I was everywhere in the 80s and 90s, but am seldom found on set today, since most male characters either look like rejects from "Twilight" or Chris Pratt copies.

Speaking of cheesy soap names...what about "Silver" and "Skye" from AMC? Maybe their names warped them, because they were both crazy as shit characters.

I’m Kelly Nelson’s speedo.

I'm Nancy Hughes' look of maternal concern.

Nancy talking to Bob in 1974 about Jennifer wanting a career and raising Frannie at the same time.

Nancy doesn't believe you have both!

I’m the not one but two global corporations that, for some reason, are headquartered in this quaint hamlet with a population of thirty people.

No one knows what product I make or service I provide, and I have a new CEO every three weeks.

All My Hope for Loving, One Life in General.

I’m a mansion where an aging tycoon and his whole family live. I look huuuuge from aerial shots but I really only have one room crammed full of 90’s decor.

I don't know why but that silly video at R247 made be burst out laughing when at the end of the credit crawl it said and Kim Zimmer as Reva Shayne. I must be in a goofy mood today.

R245 damn you.....too early in the morning to cry

That clip at R247 is hilarious.

Sean Hayes.....Hooker #3

I'm the piece of paper burning in an ashtray, or wastebasket, or fireplace, that never really burns completely, leaving just enough writing on it to provide clues for just the right person to find it and piece things together.

I’m Jeanne Cooper’s teeth that she takes out in order to give Beau Kayzer a blowjob.

That 50 Years of Soaps show was pretty damn amazing.

I am the fountain.

If seen, it's guaranteed that someone will fall inside me or, possibly JUMP inside me for a baptism.

I’m the disastrous first day of a new recast. The old timers are polite and professional, but their faces betray just the slightest knowing look that it’s gonna be a long 13 weeks.

I'm the undying, forever, deathless love a super couple has for each other...but that doesn't prevent one of them from jumping into bed with some other character.

R256 we don't know WHAT you're talking about.

I'm the baby, which after much hoopla and rigamarole leading up to its arrival, once it's born is promptly shoved into the prop closet never to be seen again. The parents go on like I don't even exist, except for a casual name drop once or twice a year when it seems cute or serves a purpose.

R257 I’m that couple “finding their way back to each other” after said bed hopping.

I'm the psychiatrist who knows too much and conveniently dies ... or should that be, "is murdered" ?!

I am the "spiritual" character who gets "feelings" and has premonitions about danger ahead.

Fuck off Serial Monticello!

I'm Kate Roberts' pussy. I'm 70 and still pulling down better dick than you.

I'm the all of the characters who should be present when their relative either gets injured, married, has a baby, "dies" or all of those things at once. We were either too sick, too busy in Europe or on a secret undercover somewhere and were unable to attend. This will be briefly mentioned by one character to another in case the audience is wondering.

I'm Drucilla Barber's weave.

I am invincible!

I’m Victoria Rowell and no one will hire me because I’m a trouble making OLD cunt!!

MARY!

WILLIAMS!

SPARERIBS AND SAUERKRAUT!

Mary Williams farted all the time from eating too much sauerkraut.

I'm the columnist/editor of the soap rag who thinks she's in a rom com and flirts with all the male actors, who think she's vile.

I'm the cast of Y&R and B&B getting together to bloc vote and receiving a ridiculous number of Emmy nominations including one for the 8 yr old who appears once every three months.

I'm the SORASed character who became older than characters born before me.

I'm the character who is either adopted or has no idea who their biological father is. Eventually that person is revealed to be some obscure minor character who appeared decades ago for a year or two and returns having been recast.

I'm the seedy motel where undesirables stay when they show up in town.

Rooms feature the light from a flashing neon sign as seen through dilapidated mini-blinds.

R272, I always think of that Kirsten Johnson character from Sex and the City who is boorish and then falls out the window to her death when It think of that person to whom you're referring

The devil wears lane bryant is a great line; who came up with it?

I'm your arch nemesis who keeps showing up at your mansion as if you don't have an ounce of security.

I’m the Lane Bryant wearer who owns a bar and gives free drinks to the hunks of daytime.

R277 Not me. There's a long bit of history with Carolyn Hinsey, who's been a writer and editor at a few mags and is a columnist for the remaining one now.

But after a lot of toxic workplace stuff came up with her she earned that title - The Devil Wears Lane Bryant.

how the mighty have fallen.

All that power she wielded and now, she's reduced to watching four shows every week for just that one column.

I've noticed she's taken more than a few shots at Sally on Y&R because of course she's dynamic, red-headed, young and has a future on that show.

I'm the disembodied voice announcing that the part of so-and-so will be played today by so-and so

[quote]I'm the disembodied voice announcing that the part of so-and-so will be played today by so-and so

Or, if it's a permanent recast, "the part of so-and-so is now being played by so-and-so."

R283 and R282,

My mom and I used to make up the most ridiculous recasts and would "announce" them in that disembodied voice.

For example, "The part of Mona Kane Tyler is now being played by... Charo."

Recasts were never "announced" on prime-time soaps. New Amanda simply APPEARED on Dynasty, seasom 7. Jarring.

[quote]—New Steven, New Fallon, and New Adam

New Adam was only in the "reunion" TV movie, in which New Steven was replaced with Old Steven. No explanation was given as to why Steven suddenly looked the way he did before the oil rig explosion that necessitated the plastic surgery that had given him a new face.

When co stars are "friends"

I'm the hooker with a heart of gold.

I will either end up dead, or reform my ways and marry one of the well-to-do senior citizens in town.

I'm the long aggrieved ex of one half of a prominent super couple brought into to town by a nemesis or just on a whim to throw a wrench into the budding love story before it gets too far and they end up married or having babies. I myself have a secret child stashed away with a family member that I will hold off revealing until the second or third arc of the love story. I will not mention the child ever until one day that bastard will not know what hit him.

I am Scoche Marin, the definitive portrayer of Katherine Chancellor, the magnificent grande dame of Genoa City on THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS, television’s number one daytime drama.

I’m the pervert trying to make every straight actor gay.

I’m Vee, who is in the biz and knows everything about everything.

I am vetsoapfan who is still better that Guiding Light dropped THE and Fat Ed Bauer.

The perverts at SON who chaturbate and stalk soap stars half their age. GROSS

I'm the seething hatred between two actors that reads as sexual chemistry on camera vaulting the two to supercouple status. I will get stronger and more intense as their popularity rises. I will plants seeds of nastiness in their brains. *whisper* why does she get six weeks of vacation and you don't? *whisper* why does he make twice your salary? *whisper* look at your fan mail, you are the reason this couple is so popular. *whisper* leave for a primetime career, that'll show them all. You're going to be a big star. *whisper* he says you're fat. *whisper* she says you're gay.

I am Beverlee McKinsey the laziest and complaining actress in soaps. I never want to work!

I'm the birth control that no one ever uses or routinely fails.

And don't even mention The Morning After Pill. It doesn't exist.

I’m Alan Sarapa! A hottie.

I’m in the biz!!! My name is Vee!!! I know everything about the biz!

I am the fun SON trolls who Vee had banned! Jonny, Jerry, Marlenafan, Vanessareardon and so many more!

I’m Soapsuds! A FAT OLD pervert who jerks off looking at Chandler Massey - young enough to be my grandson. Ewwwwwwwww!!!!

I'm the ending scene for the cliffhanger.

For the top of the next episode, I will be completely re-shot, with different costumes, lighting and dialogue, and we hope you won't notice (if you binge watch soaps - you will definitely notice).

I'm the summertime, when all the hunky male actors are shirtless by the pool that was never mentioned at any other time.

I'm the town abortionist.

Dust is growing on my skeleton, since good girls never get the yank.

I am the main villain standing behind the curtain of the town’s only restaurant. No-one sees me but I hear every conversation.

I'm one of the shows gay hairdressers who's leaking all the backstage gossip!

R280 = I once got into it with that fat cow. It was probably 12 years ago. She was a "columnist" on a Soap site..CH had just gotten a new photo for her column and it was her face--from the chin up. I thanked her for NOT subjecting my eyes to her blubber. It went downhill from there. . I posted my uncensored opinions on her weight and outed actors and then got banned "forever" on the soap site. I would keep creating a new accounts and kept outting guys in the comments sections like the Ford Brothers on OLTL (one of them came out since) and Shawn Douglas (Days)..YR had a pool scene of shirtless Daniel, Scott Jr, and Kevin--so of course I had to share how ironic it was for THREE gay men to be playing straight in one scene That got me banned too. I created a new screen name and repeated.

I still laugh at that long thread about her. She certainly pissed a lot of people off.

I played Lisa on ATWT and I clogged toilets!

I played Reva on not TGL but GL and I smear piss all over my face! #1 beauty secret!

Graz (Daniel) isn't gay, though.

I’m Van Hansis, who told Out Magazine that I’m straight.

Scoche Marin translates to "marine seashells."

Seriously this forced meme is like beating a dead horse. No-one else but the person posting it finds it funny. Dammit poster, stop trying to make Scoche Marin happen! 🤡🙄

R312 = You must be new. Grz has appeared on American Horror Story AND Rookie---both with gay producers...And you think becoming a dad makes him straight I would tell you to look Anderson Coopers way....LoL

[quote] And you think becoming a dad makes him straight.

I wrote nothing suggesting that.

In fact, I didn't use the word "straight" at all.

He isn't gay.

Graz eats pussy.

I am the character who has never attended college or had any work experience, but I am now the CEO, COO, or president of an international company.

Or a doctor/brain surgeon/blood expert/psychiatrist.

R11 Don’t you just hate when that happens? -Kate Saunders

I'm the accelerated med school program. You can go from high school to one year of college to Hospital Chief of Staff in about year.

R321, I think that's how Angie Hubbard became a doctor on AMC.

I'm the emergency tracheotomy that a character who is not a doctor is forced to perform with a steak or pocket knife while trying to receive instructions from the show's actual doctor over a bad phone connection.

R100 .And don't forget the scars from third-degree burns, bullet holes, knife wounds, and Katie Logan's bad teenage acne!

R317 Tis a pity, innit it?

R324 Didn't Days of Our Lives forget that Phillip lost a leg in Iraq?

Maybe Iraq found Phillip's leg and gave it back?

R326 I didn’t know it grows back.

Phillip got Bert Bauer’s leg.

That Carolyn Hinsey person was interviewed on that recent Ghislaine Maxwell special report. I watched it on Hulu. Apparently in addition to reporting on soaps and owning a bar, CH was also Robert Maxwell’s assistant at some point.

Hinsey wanted her cunt eaten out desperately.

I'm the goofy friend of our lovebirds, who helps them solve mysteries, is really good with computers (but not with girls).

Imagine being one of the desperate whiners at SON and thinking that soap execs care what they think. LOL

R314 Just put that person on ignore. It makes soap threads a breeze to get thru.

I love you Scoche Marin! Your Mrs. C is my favorite character ever on soaps!

Being Katherine Chancellor and building the character from scratch has been the greatest pleasure of my life. Love, Scoche Marin

“I’LL get it!!” (It’s my phone, but not ringing yet..!)

Is/was Scoche her real name? LMAO.

Don't feed the troll, R338.

Scoche is a beautiful and exotic name. I love her as Kay!

Scoche is much better as Kay than the false choppers Cooper. Cooper took her teeth out to give Beau Kayser blowjobs.

Unfortunately, the "Scoche" troll and the deeply mentally disturbed "In the biz" troll will not go away.

I want to cunt punch them both.

I am a villainess. I do horrible nasty things to people, show no remorse, and everyone hates me.

Then I get raped.

The rape turns me into a kind, thoughtful friend, and everyone loves me, even the people I gleefully fucked over before being raped.

[quote]Unfortunately, the "Scoche" troll and the deeply mentally disturbed "In the biz" troll will not go away. I want to cunt punch them both.

Unsurprisingly, they are the same entity.

R344 I've seen/heard that they are, and that they aren't.

Either way, it needs to be blocked for good.

I'm the ever present scotch on the rocks because actors never know what to do with their hands.

I was the first choice of Lee Philip Bell to play the legendary Katherine Chancellor. Melody Thomas Scott calls me “mother.” I have saved THE YOUNG AND THE RESTLESS, television’s number one daytime drama.

I'm the actress who quit one show to come back to another only to find out there's NO storyline for me.

So, I vamp up what isn't there in the scripts in order to try to spin shit into gold.

All I end up doing is showing that I was only great when I had great material.

When I have shit material, all I can do is show that I'm bored and I regret leaving the other show where my replacement is having tons of fun and playing out great storyline.

R348 Hi, Michelle!

PS - that dress you wore to the Emmys.....whew, girl. Your chicken cutlets looked pretty packed in there!

R348, you were probably only hired for the new show in order to drain an asset from your former show. Now that your former show doesn't have you anymore, you served our purpose. The new show will let you go at the first possible opportunity, and then you're damaged goods and no asset for anyone.

R348, I guess Stafford was pretty obvious.

On one hand, she's gotten to play out buying a hotel (Phyllis' life long ambition!) while she sees Watros play out all kinds of great stuff including Nelle being her daughter, battling Carly, and working with Benard.

Although, Stafford does get to play romance with Josh Morrow so it's not a total wash.

[quote]I'm the silent extra who nods their head and walks away after being given a long specific set of instructions by one of the main characters because it apparently it costs a small fortune in order for me to speak a few words.

In the same vein as R132, I'm the extras in the background of a coffee-shop or club scene mouthing silently and nodding meaningfully, while the only two people who have dialogue can be heard loud and clear. The only two, that is, until a third speaking character comes in through a door whose closing echoes through the otherwise silent room.

I'm the over the top weddings that look like they cost a million dollars.

I’m the ribbon that female characters always wear in their hair after they’ve given birth.

And I’m the designer track suit female characters always wear when they’re having a crisis.

I'm the elaborate wedding which will be attended by only about 10 people.

I'm a college student but I never go to class or crack open a book. In about a year I will graduate as a doctor or a lawyer or some profession which would normally require many years to become.

I'm the show's longstanding only Black character. I get a piece of a side storyline about once every 5 years. I'm primarily kept around to talk to the leads about their problems.

I'm the depressed drawers that fall to the floor when someone kisses me after I got some horrible news.

I'm the parent who thinks nobody is good enough for my child. I will do everything I can to destroy my child's relationship.

R357, hold our beer.

I'm an injured character with amnesia. I am far from home and everyone thinks I am dead until I show up years later.

I'm the town lawyer and I just happen to have expertise in all areas of the law that come up on the show.

I'm the arrest record of all the characters that never is a problem for employment.

I'm the padding the town whore uses to convince the town stud that he knocked her up (after she slipped something in his drink) so he will marry her even though she knows he is in love with someone else.

I'm the town stud that all the whores are fighting over.

I am the unkind high definition TV that doesn't miss a thing.

I am the homosexual actor who has to appear to be very heterosexual and kiss women and make it look really passionate.

R367 = David Forsyth

I'm the head doctor of the local hospital, walking out of the operating room after performing emergency surgery. When the patient's anxious family ask me how their loved one is doing, I answer with a deep breath and an even deeper look of concern on my face. Fade to black; you'll have to wait until Monday to find out if the patient survived.

R367 isn't that about 95% of the men on soap operas? The only heteros are the extras who are not cute enough for the casting couch but are so desperate to act that they'll work long hours for cheap and on short notice. [somebody has to do what the pretty boys won't]

I'm the older gay man playing the patriarch who is trying to focus on my acting and my lines while trying not to stare at the incredible hunks they keep bringing in to play my sons, sons-in-law, and grandsons.

R371 = the wonderful David O'Brien

I'm the VERY cheap looking fake grass used in every backyard and park scene.

I’m the gay male viewer who incorrectly thinks their opinion matters. Only women matter to the advertisers and execs.

I imagine there are a slew of gay actors who decide to go the distance, settle down, marry a woman, plop out a few kids all so they can make millions over 20 years.

One network, in particular, seemed to want its pretty boys be heteros; and once it's suppressed and life goes on and they limit themselves to one hook up every six months...or is that nine...or was it two years ago? Then, they're pretty much living the straight life and have made their choices and life goes on.

I’m Deidre Hall.

[quote]I'm the VERY cheap looking fake grass used in every backyard and park scene.

You would have never seen that on a prime-time series.

[quote] while trying not to stare at the incredible hunks

You sure, that stare isn't towards cue cards?

I'm the Oscar-winning movie star whose soap roots are nowhere to be found on my resume.

Nah, r379, Julianne Moore has consistently spoken positively of her time on As the World Turns, and even returned to the show for an episode in its final months.

Marisa Tomei and Meg Ryan never speak of their time on ATWT, on the other hand.

R379 Do you not get how resume’s work? You don’t need to put down every job you’ve ever had, especially from 35 years ago.

I was at an ABC event with a lot of stars once during Desp. Housewives heyday; I said to Teri Hatcher, I know Eva was on Y&R; Marcia did One Life and Edge...Dana did ATWT....Teri is staring blankly at me.

"Do you see where I'm going with this?"

"I was on CAPITOL."

R377 The Brady Bunch was 50 years ago. You won't see that in prime time today unless they are doing it for laughs.

Soaps have limited budgets but I find it funny that they ALL skimp on the outside scenes and it's obvious because these shows rarely get off the back lot.

[quote][R379] Do you not get how resume’s work? You don’t need to put down every job you’ve ever had, especially from 35 years ago.

Oh ffs, we're all just having a little fun here. Calm your fuckin' tits, Prissy!

I'm the elevator that breaks down in order to trap characters inside such as estranged lovers, sworn enemies - and my favorite - pregnant women who are about to give birth! .. It can also be the first and last time you'll hear that some character suffers from claustrophobia. .. The best is when there's also a heat wave or the AC goes out, so clothing starts coming off.

You'll also notice that I suffer a lot of abuse, since some of these 'thespians' really like to melodramatically push my buttons quite hard, then start slamming their fists on my doors when they discover my phone isn't working. .. Hey! Keep it up and my emergency light may go out too!

Also note: I'm often one of the first to know when someone on the show is getting the ax, since I'm routinely pressed into service to s-l-o-w-l-y close my doors on their fugly, crying faces during their final scene.

I'm the cabin in the woods where two (uncoupled) people get snowed in and have to rely on body heat to "stay alive." Of course one thing leads to another and bodily fluids end up leaking outta some now pregnant bitch onto my hardwood floors! Dammit!

I am Vee and I am in the biz, you know.

I’m Dumb Dylan. I’m devastated because Grossman got engaged - to a woman.

So you just found out that the mother who raised you isn't really your mother?

We'll I'm the woman that you eventually locate, who after some badgering, finally breaks down and confesses that, "Yes, I am your mother." .. But actually, I'm just some out-of-work actress your real mother has hired to say that.

I'm the phone being held up to the ear with two hands and I signify a horrible accident, blackmail, or other shocking news. I am never for joyous occasions.

I am all the friends the main characters have outside the show's story. Just kidding. I don't actually exist. The main characters know ten people, twenty max. And they make each others' life miserable. But do they drop those friends and go look for better friends? No! They can't. There AREN'T any other people.

here's to the shows, those daytime shows to each and everyone one of them that everyone knows here's to the dreams, the laughs, and the screams when you find out that everything is not as it seems

where your sister's your wife or your brother's your dad the baby you brought home was someone else's too bad Five days a week you know that's how it goes on those fabulous daytime shows We love it...

HIt it, boys!

Here's to the shows, those daytimes shows where the plot will hardly ever go just how you suppose she murdered him out the window she shoved But he came back as a ghost thank goodness they're still in love

Look at that set - the best we could get We shot it in New York but made it look like Tibet The wind machine's fixed so the hurricane blows on those fabulous daytime shows ....

I'm the gratuitous male strip show, where one or more hot men in town get up on stage, shake their booty, and start taking it off.

What's happened to me?

I think we could use more of me.

Gay Fraus who watch soap operas are pathetic.

Oh dear yourself, r394. Or better yet, just leave

I am a completely untalented hair model. I was usually found on an ABC soap.

I'm the character who raised by a man who wasn't my biological father. As an adult, I find out who my real father is and I forgot about the man who raised me and I change my surname to my real father's name and totally forget about the man who raised me.

I'm the unemployed waxer who used to be called-in to take care of all those hirsute actors for their shirtless scenes.

But the shows are so broke that the guys are left to their own devices now.

Oh, and some of the women need a trim now and again as well!

I’m Vee. In the biz.

I’m the international mega corporation whose headquarters only contains one office where everyone uses the same desk.

I'm the character who calls someone with very important news, but then says, "I don't want to talk about it over the phone."

Does Parker Posey ever talk about her time on As the World Turns?

I’m the character, who walks into a second floor bedroom where two characters are cheating their spouses. I can do this, because every front door is unlocked.

I'm the young heroine who started out as a shy nun but fell in love with the town hunk, who died when he fell down the stairs. My sister turned out to be the town hooker. I finally got married to a two-timer but my sister and her nutty friend switched my dead baby with the baby of a hooker friend of my sister, and I raised her for several years thinking she was mine, even during my husband's infidelities, until the baby-switch was revealed and I nobly gave up the baby to be raised by the hooker-friend.

I'm the Abortion Clinic in town that never gets used.

Jenny!

We're the Free Clinic or Homeless Shelter or Soup Kitchen or Rec Center DOWNTOWN that some billionaire in town funds during a nine-month story arc, then is never heard or seen from ever again.

I am a millionaire or billionaire, yet my family and I live in one room.

I'm the gazillionaire who always goes to the local coffee shoppe to get my java fix.

Like I don't have a live-in maid or houseboy with the ultimate espresso machine and best coffee on the market at my mansion?

I'm the understanding Boss who pays his employees who don't seem to do any work.

My employees stop in to my place of business occasionally just to make personal phone calls and talk to people about their personal problems and then they leave.

They don't do their jobs for weeks (sometimes months) at a time because their personal problems are all consuming.

I'm the endless stream of pharmaceutical commercials that hawk products that might cause anal leakage, genital disfigurement, a rare neurological condition, incontinence, bone pain or dementia. But you should definitely ask your doctor about it!

I'm the new character in town who's going to appear in 16 out of 19 episodes during my first month.

You're going to absolutely LOVE me.

I'm a former longterm resident returning to my SMALL HOMETOWN for a wedding or funeral. I will sit in the back wearing sunglasses or a veil and nobody (not even my close friends or family members) will recognize me.

I'm the dress the heroine has been wearing for the past two weeks because it is still... LATER THAT DAY!

I'm a supermarket grocery cart which is never seen in this town.

Jesus. That Casey Hutchison who does The Chat podcast is so fucking fat and homely!!!!! Is it a requirement to be so fucking homely in order to host that show?????? My lord. Between him and Alan Sarapa, they have the homely covered. lolololololololololololololololol

I'm the long suffering heroine who stays always upbeat, despite the infidelities, the forgotten babies, the rapes, the heart transplant, the giving of the kidney, the betrayals, and the deaths of those around her.

^ You're probably dying of cancer at some point, surrounded by the entire cast, looking back fondly on all the years you loved thy neighbors. (And just because you have end stage cancer doesn't mean you don't look fabulous. You just feel tired, right?)

We're the grifting mother and daughter team who blow into town from a tacky place like Las Vegas or Arizona and con the town's perpetually horny gray-haired tycoons and their spawn. We immediately hijack the show and the audience hates us but we know how to get what we want.

I'm the Bitch Mother-In-Law and I'm sabotaging my son's relationship because none of these brazen hussies are good enough for my boy!

R402, she did an interview with Soaps In Depth when she had some cable drama series; can't recall the name of it.

She spoke highly of both Kathleen Widdoes and Colleen Zenk.

I'm the sad aging gay man that fantasizes about being a rich bitch frau who toys with pool boys and hunky gardeners on afternoon tv. I've wasted my life and endlessly post on DL.

I am the only chair in the only room in big hospital. Characters lie on the same bed and actors sit on me and deliver their Emmy reels.

Is R404 the Kathy Glass troll?

R419 — Hi, Babe and Krystal! You’re part of the reason I gave up AMC.

I'm the full face of makeup the lead actress wears to bed

I'm the longtime vet who used to be front burner.

But now, I'm lucky if I get one episode per month, so deliver EVERY SINGLE LINE with as much flamboyant melodrama possible.

Hey! Daytime Emmy reels can't be more than 15 minutes now, and the judges won't know the difference! .. I've got name recognition!

R427, that's like six people and there are only four soaps

I'm the shirt hunks apparently can't find when they answer the door. Also every hunk is required to sleep shirtless.

I'm the slap across the face that shocks the recipient but usually (and unrealistically) doesn't result in a full-fledged ass whooping!

I'm the sassy Black female Judge who responds to the heroine's bullshit excuses by reading her for filth and denies bail!

I’m the amc2008 creepo loser from SON who thinks people want to see my chaturbate vids. I am ugly af and never take my meds. I think that I am bff with Kay Alden and other writers in the business. I have a weird crush on dead Aggie Nixon.

R432 amc2008 is the creepiest guy! He thinks that people want to see him jerk off. He’s so fucking ugly!!!!! No normal person will ever want to see that freak jerk off! Soapsuds will definitely watch. But no normal person would watch that FOOL amc2008. He’s gross!!!!!

I'm the expression "I'll take a rain check," which I've never heard anyone say, except on soaps.

I'm the unseen plastic surgeon who ensures that nobody who is beat up, stabbed, shot or operated on ever has any permanent scars.

I'm the politics that are never discussed.

I'm the Cole Porter lyrics Y&R characters like Ashley used to quote in the late 1980s even though she was way too young for them back then.

Serious Our Love Is Here to Stay is from a movie in 1938 and Ashley's singing it to Jack 50 years later.

The lyrics of "Our Love is Here to Stay" were written by Ira Gershwin, not Cole Porter.

I'm the star actress pre-taping scenes to be spliced into the show to cover my annual holiday leave. Usually the scenes will involve me yacking on the phone during a "business trip", or lying in bed in a coma.

I'm the corny ass song that accompanies the obligatory (but usually decent) video montage played when a major character dies.

We're the 100 balloons used to make some tiresome old set look like a festive party venue.

The crew had fun blowing them up.

I'm the character who spends time in a coma, but doesn't spend much in physical therapy or rehab after waking up.

I am the Saw toilet in Lisa’s suite at the Lakeview.

I'm the girl who drugs a guy or gets him so drunk that he doesn't even remember me undressing him and climbing on top of him so I can get pregnant.

I never get prosecuted for rape.

I'm the Classic Speedo that was a BIG star back in the 80s.

I'm sitting here waiting for the phone to ring so I can make my triumphant return.

Aren't viewers sick to death of fugly board shorts and unremarkable mid-length trunks yet? .. Boo hiss!

^^ Is that you, David Vickers?

I'm the fake snow falling like confetti from the sky (onto the backlot of the Los Angeles studio) completely detached from the rest of winter.

There's never any wind, wet clothing, fogged up glasses or icy sidewalks. Actors just walk through the snow and maybe one will occasionally say "Brr." [Side Eye]

Years ago, DAYS couldn't afford snow and it was written into the script and it was obvious that there was no money for fake snow.

At least fake snow showed they were trying and had SOME money.

I'm the hills of southern California, posing as the hills of upper New York State, although they don't look anything alike.

I’m the guest house on the big estate that holds two people but magically expands to hold an entire family when they acquire kids.

Similarly, I'll be the pool house that doesn't have any heat or plumbing, but somehow is transformed into living space for one of the kids.

Or boat house, that's another one.

(Lookin' at you, Q's)

Or the cottage on the estate.

I'm the annoying child actor you can't wait to be SORASed.

Or the Gate House.

I'm the offspring of a major character who was recently SORASed so now I'm a love interest for the character that used to be my babysitter.

I’m the DUIs of every P&G leading lady.

I'm the set that gets re-purposed over and over for different things.

I started out as someone's middle class home, but then they removed my fireplace and I got downgraded to being an apartment for three different characters.

They then removed my kitchen, and I did occasional work as a funeral home, a wedding dress store, and a seedy motel room!

When they put me in storage, I thought it was curtains! But then they dragged me out, cut me in half, gave me a counter, and decorated me with a bunch of crap to be a pawn shop for two episodes.

It doesn't really matter what they do to disguise me, though, as long-time viewers always recognize me!

I’m the toilet that got plugged up constantly which is now in the Smithsonian.

I am the grumpy posters at SON who are still bitter about Fat Ed Bauer’s firing and when they took away THE from THE GUIDING LIGHT.

I'm the gorgeous long lost adult son (or daughter) of the town's billionaire.

My parent either never knew of my existence or gave me up at birth (which means they didn't raise me and don't know me).

My parent (who is very brilliant, experienced and business savvy) spent their life building their company.

However when I arrive in town, my parent is immediately eager to hand me the reigns of their complex multi-million dollar company because I am, of course, fully capable of running it despite having ZERO experience or qualifications.

I’m the family vampire hidden in the coffin in the dark shadows in the basement of the Old House.

I'm the favorite horse of a main character who only exists to throw the character to injure or scare them. After that I (nor any other horse) is ever discussed again.

I'm the town's struggling restaurateur. Everyone comes to my restaurant to talk. Nobody ever eats and they barely drink.

I'm the infant that both parents fight over in a heated custody battle. However, once custody is granted, neither wants to spend any time with me. I'm not seen again until about 10 years later when I'm grown and played by another actor.

I'm the long time star pursuing other acting opportunities. Of course I didn't get fired because my alcohol problems kept screwing up takes and delayed production. I wanted to leave this safe job on my own terms to finally do a theater play in Bumfuck, Massachusetts two years after I left the show.

[quote] I’m the car crash. We are one of the main causes of soap opera deaths.

I'm the car in the car crash. You only see me being driven when the characters are about to crash.

I am the third recast. The character I play doesn't even resemble the original character anymore. But the show changed, and the hero role is now played by another character. The show now needs a corrupt wimp. So I'm filling that void now.

I’m the childhood sob story, brain tumor and/or retcon paternity/maternity connection to an iconic character written to make a serial killer/rapist/predator work as a romantic lead.

I'm the two people who used to be part of burning story lines with hot screen partners who have now left the show and they've put us together as a couple because they don't have anything else to do with us (e.g., GH's Dante and Sam).

I'm the "abroad" set standing in for Paris, London, Istanbul, Moscow and Bueno Aires. I look exactly the same everywhere.

I'm the awful supernatural storyline.

I’m abortion.

I am never an option for an unplanned pregnancy.

But if I ever, ever get used, it gets explained away years later as never having happened.

I'm the doe eyed, lionghaired blonde heroine who was based on Mia Farrow's Allison from Peyton Place.