An Off-Color Joke Thread

I was having sex with my boyfriend last night and he leaned over and turned off the light and said "Oh, baby, I'm feeling naughty. Turn off the light. I want you to stick it in my ass."

I did and suddenly he screamed.

I guess next time I'll wait for the bulb to cool down.

A woman marries and has 10 children. Unfortunately her husband dies.

Soon, she remarries and has 10 more children. Then, that husband dies.

Finally, she marries for a third time and has 10 more children. This time, the woman dies.

At her funeral, the minister says "At least they are together now."

One of the mourners leans over to the person next to her and says "I wonder which husband he is talking about?" And the other mourner says "I think he is talking about her legs."

With new HR protocols pretty much all jokes are verboten at work so I guess anything is game for the thread.

Q: Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.

Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says. “We only have one rule here in heaven; don’t step on the ducks!”

They enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

St. Peter immediately appears with the ugliest man any of them have ever seen. He chains the man and the woman together and says “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment.

The third woman has observed all this, and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. And then one day, St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on: He is tall, lean, muscular, with high cheek bones, dreamy eyes, a square jaw, and a beautiful luxurious head of hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says. “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

What do Taco Bell and a Tijuana Midget Donkey Show have in common?

Chilito and burrito

What's the difference between a wife and a job?

A job still sucks after 10 years.

Every time we watch a Chris Pratt movie, my girlfriend immediately goes and takes a long shower.

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me a lot of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.

Today at work I learned that a school of piranhas can completely strip the flesh from a child's body in under a minute.

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium.

Q: Why are circumsized men so popular with Jewish girls?

A: They love anything that is 10% off.

Quick, don’t say anything or the DL historian will post anything you’ve said that offends them!

Monica Lewinsky takes one of her dresses to the dry cleaner. As she is leaving the dry cleaner yells out "Come Again!"

"No," she replied. "Just toothpaste."

How can you tell that your roommate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit!

Q: How can you tell if a Russian is drunk.

A: Just assume it.

R2, I finally get it. That's funny!

I like this. It was told to me by my friend Mrs. Rich Lady New York Mother Rapist

Q: How are you? A: I don't care and I don't know. Q: What is the difference between ignorance and boredom?

The internet does no respect structure.

I think that I am unique in this universe. I may have

Wait, there is a knock upon the door,

U;kk be right bacj U an syre

They won't even let us suggest it.

Read it before it is erased.

Any Dire Straits fans in the room tonight?

A teenager goes to the store and buys a $2 condom. Register says $2.16. He asks what is the 16 cents. Register says “for tax.” He says “oohhh that’s how you get them to stay on!”

My late dad told me this one: How do you cure a Jewish nymphomaniac? You marry her.

R22, I owe you 100 blowjobs! I'm still laughing.

More like these, please.

How do they separate the men from the boys at boot camp?

With a crowbar.

These jokes are too off color

You must control youselves boys.

What do you call a black kid on a bicycle?

A thief.

Why does Helen Keller wear skin tight pants?

So you can read her lips.

Boris just wants another Bigotry Celebration Thread.

F&F, punch and delete.

How do you circumcise a Trump supporter?

Kick his sister in the jaw!

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain. He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. "This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy." The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns. "Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!" "Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday." "Why not Thursday?" "That's your day in the barrel."

Getting all teary eyed and speaking with hesitation to deliver the following joke when WW2 comes up:

“Well, it’s painful for me to talk about the war..”

- Oh, why’s that?

“My grandfather died in one of the camps”

… silence …

“He fell out of a guard tower!”

A mother is cleaning her sons bedroom, when she happens upon some serious bondage magazines and fetish gear.

That night she asks her husband. "What do you think we should do?"

Her husband replies "I'm no expert, but I don't think we should spank him."

What’s the hardest part about roller blading?

A guy goes to the doctor for his yearly physical. He's sitting on the exam table while the doctor checks his heart and breathing.

"You really should stop masturbating." the doctor says while listening to the man's heart.

"Really? Why, doctor?"

"Because I'm trying to examine you!"

Madonna told Rocco she wanted to spend more quality time with him, so he bought a double dildo.

A drunk is cutting through a cemetery late one night when he falls into an empty grave.

A few hours later, another drunk is cutting through and he hears, "Help me! I'm so cold!"

He looks down in the hole at the first drunk and says, "Of course you're cold, silly. You kicked off all your dirt!"

To R3, You stole my joke!! I heard that joke for the 1st time in Wildwood NJ in 1985-86. A drunken HOT str8(???) man told me that joke at the Penalty Box in Wildwood, right after a Great brawl in the bar. His name was Ernie from Pennsauken NJ. Ernie says "Yo Buddy, You're a Psycho, who does that in the middle of a brawl?" As I'm leaning on the bar, Ernie says to me"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree", then whispers in my ear...Because it was DEAD!! I turned my head and said "That's the fucking joke" and started laughing. we went to his car-grabbed chairs-blankets , Fucked all night(Schellenger Ave area) beach. Ernie and I(and Vinnie the cop) are still buddies.

R40 Interesting, I’m from Pennsylvanian too and that timeframe is about when I first heard it too. It’s great because it’s unexpected, but yet poignant. Never imagined it as a pickup line though, lol.

A drunk spies an old slag sitting at the end of the bar. He stumbles over to her, sloshes his drink, and says, "Hey, honey, I sure could use a little pussy." She says, "So can I, pal. Mine's as big as that fuckin' ashtray!"

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

What did Prince Charming do when he got to the ball?

Make choking noises.

Q: What does a Ford Pinto have in common with Danny Pintauro?

A: Both of them will kill you if you run into them from behind!

What’s long, brown, and stinky?

R46 I can beat that-

Q: What’s the worse place to be driving down the highway?

A: Behind a Pinto and in front of an Audi 5000.

A handsome man is drowning his sorrows at a local pub. Several women try to comfort him.

"What's wrong?" one asks.

"I’m depressed!” he sighs. “The wife and I are having troubles."

"What kind?"

"Sex. I like kink. She’s very traditional".

"Well,” another woman says, “if you want kink, talk to the blonde at the other end of the bar. She's kinky. She'll make you feel better."

He walks over to meet the blonde. They have a couple of drinks, she invites him home. When they arrive, she excuses herself to change into something appropriate. She goes to bedroom, and puts on leather panties, gets whips, chains, tit clamps, etc.

All geared up, she goes out to living room, where she sees that the man he has put overcoat on and is leaving.....

"Hey, what's the matter?” she asks. “I thought we were going to have a scene?"

"Hey lady, I shit in your purse; I fucked your dog; I'm outta here."

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking very put out.

The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

it involves Julio Iglesias, Diana Ross, lovemaking and a wallet

A guy walks into a bar and finds the piano player is only 12 inches tall. So he asks the bartender, "what's with the piano player?"

The bartender says, "there's a wishing toilet in the men's bathroom that will grant you whatever wish you want."

So the guy goes into the men's bathroom, finds the wishing toilet, says, " I wish for a million bucks," and flushes it. Then out come a million ducks.

The guy runs back to the bartender and says "something's wrong with your toilet. I wished for a million bucks and it gave me a million ducks!"

The bartender says, "yeah, sorry, I forgot to tell you: the toilet is hard of hearing."

The guy says, "why didn't you tell me that ahead of time?"

The bartender tells him, "take it easy, mac. You think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

Ed Zachary Disease!!

A middle aged gay man was very distraught at the fact that he had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. He was afraid he might have something wrong with him, so he decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

He was recommended to go see Dr. Chang the well known Chinese sex therapist. At his first appointment he said, "OK, take off all you crose."

The guy did as he was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the man did as he was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me." So he did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates.

Confused, the man asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the guy in the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary disease" is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

That made me laugh out loud, r54. I’m not racist, just high as fuck.

I need to get high, I'm not getting it.

R31 is Ling-Ling.

How do you make a Jewish American Princess Scream?

You fuck her up the ass and wipe your dick on the drapes.

R58, that same joke was first told to me as “How do you make an old queen scream twice?” “You fuck him up the arse then you wipe your cock on his drapes.”

Two friends who have not seen each other in a while bump into each other on the street one day.

Woman 1: Girl, where have you been? I haven’t seen you in forever.

Woman 2: Girl, I’m so busy. I have 3 lovers right now.

Woman 1: Three lovers! How do you keep them all straight in your head?

Woman 2: Girl, it’s easier than you think. I just name them after soft drinks?

Woman 1: Why do you do that?

Woman 2: The first one I call him Seven up. Cause he got seven inches and it keeps going up. The second one, his name is Mountain Dew, cause he knows how to mount and knows what to do. The third one, I call him Jack Daniels.

Woman 1: Hold on girl, Jack Daniels ain’t no soft drink

Woman 2: That’s right baby. He’s one hard licker.

A handsome young man wished to buy a special birthday gift for his daddy, but didn't want to ask him for additional money, so he began turning tricks on the side. Unfortunately, a week before the big event his daddy came home unexpectedly early and caught him with his pants down and a cock at both ends. The two customers fled, leaving the sad young man to explain that he was only earning money to buy his daddy a wonderful present. "See," he said, grabbing his bank book, "I opened a special bank account and kept detailed records and everything!" The daddy looked at the balance: $800.10. The daddy realized his boy was telling the truth, but asked, "Who the hell gave you a dime??"

"Everyone!"

A gay guy from NYC and a Mormon were seated next to each other on a flight. As soon as the flight was airborne, the flight attendant came by and asked for their drink orders.

"I'll have a whiskey," said the gay guy.

The mormon said "I'd rather be raped by every man on this plane than have a drink of alcohol!"

The gay guy said "I didn't know we had a choice. Cancel my drink."

^ How very rude of you!

A man needs to have a colonoscopy, but he is gay and embarrassed to have it done because he is afraid that he will get an erection during the procedure. Finally, he hears about a local clinic where all the staff are gay, so he schedules an appointment.

The day arrives and he goes to the clinic. Everyone is kind and so nice that he is totally relaxed. Eventually, he is wheeled into the room and where the procedure will happen. The doctor gently inserts the colonoscope into his anus.

"Now," says the doctor, "at this point in the procedure, it's totally normal to get an erection."

"But doctor," says the man with relief, "I don't have an erection."

"I know." says the doctor. "But I do."

There are two things I hate in the world:

Racist jokes

Koreans

Walking up to a gay friend, tapping them on the shoulder, and going “Fag, you’re it!”

It gets a suprising number of laughs. Only works in a completely gay setting, though.

R61 r64 😀😀

Wife: "My gynecologist said I can't have sex for 3 weeks."

Husband: "What did your dentist say?"

A woman had a blind date and the guy showed up with a dozen roses. She said "Now I guess you want me to spread my legs." The guy said, "Don't you have a vase?"

A boy scout and scout master were in close quarters inside a tent.

Scout Master: "You're so cute I'm sticking my finger in your belly button".

Scout: "Hey- that's not my belly button!"

Scout master:" That's not my finger, either"

I saw this sign "When one door closes, another door opens, other than that it is a pretty good car."

Three gay prostitutes accidentally show up on the wrong days at a rich man's apartment.

The lesbian doorman lets them.

Suddenly their is an earthquake.

Their *what* is an earthquake, R72?

BUMP

R73, is an exploritory exercise.

Pretend you are in a lesbian colony.

A pedophile and child are walking in the woods. The child says "I'm scared mister". The pedophile says "YOU'RE scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone"

Ace and Gary are having sex when the phone rings. Ace goes to answer the phone and tells Gary, “Hey, Don’t finish yourself off until I get back.” After returning from the other room, Ace sees cum all over the bed and wall of the bedroom. “Jesus, Gary, I said not to finish yourself off until I got back!” Gary turns to him and says, “I didn’t! I just farted.”

A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?"

"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe," says the little girl.

"But Barbie comes with Ken," Santa says.

"No, Barbie only cums with GI Joe!"

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I've been circumcised." the other replied.

"What does that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?" the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

An off-color bar sign reads:

Liquor in the front.

Poker in the rear.

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die!"

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

Karen was walking past a pool with two gay guys pushing a turd back and forth between them. She said, "What on earth are you doing?" and one said, "We're teaching our child to swim".

Fuck. I have been caught.

Some of these jokes are very off color.

R77 can I worship you as a God?

A man is sent by his woman to the store to buy some tampons. He is unskilled at this purchase. In fact, he doesn't even know the part of the store where they are at.

He apporaches an older matronly woman in a store vest and says "Can you tellme where the tampax are?"

Clontinued next week

"t's OK i just farted."

Did you know that Heller Keller had her own tree house? Don’t worry if you didn’t know, neither did she.

Q: Why did the condom go flying across the room?

A: It got pissed off.

I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I'd like a bag. I said "nah, I'll just turn the lights off."

R54 I heard the same joke with Eleanor Roosevelt instead of Ed .

How do you make a whore moan? Kick her in the cunt.

It's the only dirty joke I know.

Everyone's favorite Datalounge eldergay hired a new, young (obviously) houseboy. Just for household chores, honest. Really. Anyway...

One morning the older man was finishing up his ablutions after a wild night with a hot rent boy while his millennial houseboy came in to strip the bed. To his horror, the young man happened upon a very-much used condom between the sheets and held it up -a blank look of curiosity on his face.

The eldergay tried to laugh it off, saying, "Come now. Surely your youngsters use those too?"

"Of course we do," replied the lad, "but we don't skin them afterward!"

What's gray and comes in quarts? . . . An elephant.

A man is sent to the supermarket to buy some tampons for his wife. He is quite embarrassed and wants to get in and get out as quickly as possible.

He finally finds the tampon section, so he grabs the first box that he finds and quickly walks to the check out. Unfortunately, the box of tampons won't scan, and much to his chagrin, the checker gets on the store loud speaker and says "I need a price check on Tampax on register five."

Well, the stock man in the back of the store mishears the checker and thinks she asked for a price check on "thumb tacks". So he gets on the loudspeaker and answers back "Do you mean the kind you push in with your thumb, or the kind you hit with a hammer?"

My boyfriend told me that sex is much better on vacation.

Not the best postcard I ever received...

I don’t get the joke @r93.

R97: The boy didn't recognize what the condom was. The implication is that he thought the eldergay skinned his trick's cock...

Two old ladies were taking a walk when a man jumped out and flashed his cock at them. One of the ladies had a stroke; the other couldn't quite reach.

Lol^^

Thanks for the explanation, r98. I would never have got there. :-)

There’s got to be an off colored joke somewhere here about needing to use the off colored restrooms?

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

The foreman returns in a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"

What's the difference between a midget conman and a yeast infection? One's a cunning runt....

There was a midget psychic that escaped from a local prison last night and this morning's news headline was: Small Medium at Large

Bump

Sometimes you can sense a friend want to take things further... Will it ruin the friendship?

Things get hot and heavy on the sofa one night and you think, "Well, this doesn't feel right. You're my best friend. You're not even allowed on the couch!"

What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip?

Killed in a tunnel.

I gave my girlfriend an earth-shattering orgasm. Bitch spit it back in my face.

A guy fishes every morning on a pier overlooking the ocean. One day he arrives and sees a young woman in a wheelchair, crying.

"Why are you crying, miss?"

"I've never been hugged." Feeling generous, the guy hugs her. "Now you've been hugged," he says with a smile.

The next morning, he arrives at the pier and sees the young woman crying again. "Oh, miss, why are you crying today?"

"I've never been kissed." In order to stop her wailing , the guy gives her a small kiss. "Okay, now you've been kissed. Will you please stop crying so I can fish?"

The next day, our fisherman returns to find the wheelchair-bound young lady has returned, and is crying even harder this time. Exasperated, he asks her, "Okay, why are you crying today??"

"I've never been fucked."

He walks over to her, pushes her wheelchair to the end of the pier, and dumps her in the ocean.

"NOW you've been fucked!!!"

When asked what he would do with Red China, the Polish Foreign Minister swiftly replied he'd put it on a purple tablecloth.

When asked if he would like to become a Jehovah's Witness, the Polish bloke replied, he could not, as he did not see the accident.

Not off color but I thought it was funny

A Sign that said:

When one door closes, another door opens, other than that it is a pretty decent car.

How do you get a gay man to fuck a woman?

Shit in her cunt.

Father O'Reilly and Rabbi Birnbaum have struck up quite the unlikely friendship. The temple is a few doors down from the church, and the good rabbi even helps the father by listening to confessions, as Father O'Reilly is frequently indisposed on account of a medical issue.

Fr. O'Reilly has typed up a convenient cheat sheet for Rabbi Birnbaum, so he knows how many Our Fathers and Hail Marys to prescribe for the parishoners' penance. He has instructed the rabbi to ask one of the altar boys, should some unusual sin come up not on the list.

One afternoon the two are visiting during confession times, Fr. O'Reilly gets the call to the loo again, and asks Rabbi Birnbaum to get into the box, "sure, no problem Father"...

Soon a young lad begins confessing that not only did he commit an act of sodomy, but that he gave an older man a blow job. Rabbi Birnbaum nervously scans the list, and tells the lad he'll need to reflect on this matter privately for a bit, but will be back shortly with his penance.

When the rabbi asks the altar boy what Fr. O'Reilly gives for a blow job, the altar boy replies "usually two candy bars and a coke".

Helen took her elderly, hard of hearing husband, George, to the doctor.

The doctor said they would first weigh George. “What did he say???” yelled George.

“GET ON THE SCALE!” yelled Helen.

The doctor then said the next step was to take George’s temperature. “What did he say???” George yelled again.

“OPEN YOUR MOUTH!” Helen replied.

The doctor then asked for stool and urine samples. Again, George yelled at Helen: “What did he SAY????”

“HAND HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!!!”

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. When the doctor sees him he says-

I CAN CLEARLY SEE YOUR NUTS.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Cause at 69 she gets a frog in her throat

Helen Keller’s favorite color is corduroy!

A Year Nine pupil is struggling with some general understanding of government, and political economy. At the breakfast table, this lad's toff of a dad tells him he's very disappointed in his son's lack of progress. He proceeds to tell his son, it's quite simple, and that he's going to create an analogy for him. I go off to work everyday, and I'm the Capitalist. When I receive my pay, I turn it over to your mum who is the government here; she decides what is spent, what is given away, and however much I'm allowed to keep. The son asks "is it really as simple as all that?" No, the toff replied, well, we have other people, who we'd rather not be confused by, like the underclass... our maid here for this analogy would be the underclass, and mum decides how much we give her. Well, there's a few other things, such as your baby brother, well he is the future.

Now the lad is really confused, and does poorly on another exam. The poor thing sleeps quite fitfully, and he's awakened to hear strange sounds coming from down the hall. He gets up, pads down to his parents' room, and looks in to find his mum sleeping, but his dad missing.

He notices the sounds growing louder further down the hall, and the door to the maid's room is ajar... He peers in to see his dad fucking the maid. He rubs his eyes, and pads off back to bed. On his say back to his room, he hears his baby brother screaming at the top of his lungs... he stops in his brother's room, finds his nappy full of shit, and proceeds to give him a change.

Next morning, dad asks his son whether or not the economy is a bit more clear to him. The son said, "yeah dad, it actually came to me all of a sudden in the middle of the night, after your brilliant analogy at the breakfast table." Glad to hear I was some help son, so what exactly became clear to you? The son said "Whilst the government is sleeping, the Capitalist fucks the underclass, and the future is full of shit!"

A man goes to Home Depot and tells an employee he needs to buy a curtain rod. After giving him an aisle number, the employee asks "Will you be putting it up yourself?"

"No," the man replies. "It'll go above the window."

Hear about the girl that went fishing with a group of guys?? They didnt catch anything, but she came back with a red snapper......

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she has no arms.

I told one of these jokes at my reunion.

I was looked down upon.

Eat my load boy R57.

Knock knock

Who's there?

Not Sally

There's a Sushi bar that's VERY popular with Lawyers it's called SO SOO ME.

Why don't Italians have freckles?

They keep sliding off.

Whats the difference between oral and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your whole week.

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

A: His boyfriend is out of town.

Q: What does a girl from the Bronx say after she's done having sex?

A: Get up Dad, your crushing my smokes.

Jane had just met Tarzan and found herself quite attracted to him. One day, she asked him how he had sex.

"When Tarzan horny, he just stick it in hole in tree over there," said Tarzan, pointing to a nearby tree.

"Oh no," replied Jane. "I know a much better place." She quickly undressed. "Just stick it in here."

Tarzan approached her with an excited look, and removed his loincloth. Then, just as Jane was laying back, he kicked her really hard between the legs.

"Fuck!" cried Jane. "What did you do that for?"

He replied, "Tarzan learn to always check for squirrel first."

No, R131, she asks, "Are you guys all on the same team?"

R129 "hole week"?

Hole weak, r134

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."

A small guy goes into an elevator. When he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"

The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 poupnd right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one,¥ his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.

The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"

The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

So this guy travels from Chicago to Tokyo for business. He arrives a day before his meeting with a Japanese exec so he decides to paint the town. He ends it with a hooker who speaks no English. The entire time he is fucking her she keeps screaming, “Tawanaki! Tawanaki!” The guy knows no Japanese but he does have a pretty big ego, so he thinks to himself, “I must really be givin’ It to this chick!” Encouraged by her screams, he fucks her even harder, and she continues to scream over and over “Tawanaki!” She leaves, he sleeps. The next morning, he meets with the Japanese exec, who speaks English as well as he does his native tongue. The two men go golfing. Chicago guy takes his turn and the ball goes in with one swing. Remembering the hooker from the night before, he yells, “Tawanaki!!” The Japanese exec looks at him with great confusion, asking, “What do you mean, ‘Wrong hole’?”

Bottom : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Top : "How about the ones like mine?"

Bottom : "Those they gave away."

Top : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off assholes. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Bottom : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Top : "That's where they held the auction."

You are all terrible human beings but I'm laughing my head off! More!!

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller, "I want to open a fucking savings account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's your fucking problem, bitch? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller is deeply offended and goes to speak to the manager. The manager, hearing the story, says, “You wait here. I’ll handle this.”

He walks over to the man says, “Is there a problem?”

The man replies, “There’s no fucking problem. All I wanna do is take my ten million dollar check from winning the lottery and put it in this goddamn bank!"

The managers responds “That teller is a real cunt, isn’t she.”

What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?

At least a pimple waits until you're 12 to come on your face

I used to date a good priest.

I need to date a good priest to take care of both my body and soul.

Bump

Teacher was leading the class through the new words they'd learned that week under the theme of getting sick.

Class, she said, who can use the word fever in a sentence?

And several replies from eager students.

And who can use the word ambulance in a sentence?

Again, many replies.

And who can use the word contagious?

At which point Bad Billy's hand shot up and against her better judgment, the teacher called on him, as Bad Billy didn't participate much.

Well, says Billy, my old man was on the porch last night drinking beer and my mom was cutting the grass and my dad says it'll take that cunt ages to get that lawn cut.

RUSSIAN VASECTOMY

After having their 10th child, a Russian couple decided that was enough. They could barely afford to feed the ones they already had.

So the husband went to his doctor in Moscow and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but it cost 10,000 rubles. “But,” said the doctor, “there is a less expensive alternative.”

“Go home, put 100 fire crackers in an empty vodka bottle, light them, press the bottle against your head, and count to ten.”

The guy said to the doctor, "I may not be a smart man, but I don't see how putting a 100 fire crackers in an empty vodka bottle next to my head is going to help me." He wanted a second opinion so he visited a doctor in Kiev.

That doctor began to speak of a vasectomy, but seeing his patient was from Moscow, he told him to go home and get 100 fire crackers, put them in an empty vodka bottle, light them, and press the bottle against his head.

Since the second doctor told him of the same procedure as the first doctor, he decided that it MUST work. So the man went home, bought 100 fire crackers, put them in an empty vodka bottle, and lite them.

He gently pressed the bottle against his head and began to count: "1,2,3,4,5" at which point he paused, placed the bottle between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

Bump.

A 35 year old man from the Australian outback runs an ad internationally stating he has never had sex with a woman and is searching for a wife. A woman from the U S. responds, they correspond, he asks her to marry him, she agrees and travels to Australia to many him. On their wedding night in the hotel room, she tells her new husband to stay in the room and get all ready, while she goes into the bathroom and changes into her nightgown. After 20 minutes she comes out of the bathroom and sees the hotel room bed and all other furniture upturned and placed against the walls. Shocked, she asked the husband why did he move all the furniture in such a disturbing manner?

The new husband replied, "Well if it is anything like having sex with a kangaroo, we'll need the space".

How can you identify a blind man at a nudist resort? He's the one without an erection.

Bump. I have a friend with cancer undergoing chemo. I've been sending him these dirty jokes almost daily. You degenerates are cheering up my friend with your poor taste.

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey and vinegar?

A: Because Kermit likes sweet and sour pork.

A conservative father was horrified when he found his living-at-home, 28-year-old son masturbating furiously in the basement every day for weeks running. Fed up, he pulled his son aside one morning and said, "Son, this has got to stop. You're too old to do that. It's time you got married and settled down!"

The contrite son took his father's advice to heart and soon was married to a lovely woman who moved into the house. The father was pleased that he had put an end to the daily sinning under his roof. However, less than a week after the new bride had moved in he found his son in the basement, masturbating to beat the band.

"What are you doing? You have a wife now to take care of you!"

"But father, her little arms get so tired!"

Most of these jokes seem like they were cribbed from an ancient issue of Playboy magazine, with the gender is changed.

I went to kiss my boyfriend good night, but he crossed his legs and broke my glasses.

An oft-repeated joke from the 80s:

Q: What kind of wood doesn't float?

A: Natalie Wood

Quick! Turn on the news! It just happened! Apparently, three gay guys attacked some woman in Central Park. Mm hm, two of them held her down while the third one did her hair!

A Frenchman went to the doctor and said "Doctor, I think I might have a venereal disease."

The doctor says "Let me see your sex organs."

So the Frenchman sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

-- From an actual issue of Playboy that my brother had growing up.

A women is trying on some new clothes. She finds a dress she likes and asks her boyfriend "Does this make my ass look big."

The guy replies, "Well, umm, I don't, umm, I mean..."

The woman says, "Don't worry baby. Just tell me what you think. No matter what you say, I won't be mad."

The guy says "OK. I fucked your sister."

Ernie said to Sophie, "Sophe, you have no tits and your box is too tight."

Sophie said to Ernie, "Ernie, get off my back."

[quote] Post your favorite off-color jokes here. An off-color joke is one you wouldn't tell at work.

Oh honey, no. I tell these and worse at work...

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you?

A stick

In what way are eating broccoli and anal sex the same?

If you didn't like when it was forced on you as an 8 year old, you're not going to like it now.

Doctor: I have some bad news, and some worse news. Which do you want first?

Man: Let's start easy, with the bad news.

Doctor: Fine. Your test results are in, and you have two weeks to live.

Man: My God! What could be worse than that?!

Doctor: I've been meaning to call you for a week.

How did Helen Keller burn her face?

She answered the iron.

I've just started a new diet. It's called the Vodka diet, and I've already lost three days!

During WWII, there were 12 Polish soldiers who captured a German peasant woman.

They immediately try to rape her, but she keeps screaming "Nein! Nein!"

So three of the soldiers left.

Mauve, I mean, amirite?

How do you fit 500 Jews in a Volkswagen?

In the ashtray.

In honor of a recently departed relative:

Son: Dad, can I have five dollars to get a guinea pig?

Father: Here’s 10 son, get yourself a nice Irish girl.

Dorothy Parker told a more elegant version of r92:

What’s the difference between a hormone and an enzyme?

You can’t hear an enzyme.

How do you get 5 comedians into a Volkswagon?

Two in the front, two in the back and Richard Pryor in the ashtray.

How does a West Virginia mother know her daughter is having her period?

Her son's dick tastes funny.

A long one. Sorry in advance.

There's this guy who loves playing the saxophone. He always wanted to play professionally but couldn't get anywhere in the business. One night he's in a bar complaining about having to live on shitty office work when the guy next to him tells him he's actually a movie producer and is always looking for background music. He offers to pay for some studio time and if he likes what he hears he will use it in his next film. He warns sax guy that he can't pay him because of the low budget, but he will get credit and maybe it will help him get his foot in the door of the music business.

So he goes to the studio and plays his heart out. The producer calls and tells him he's going to use his music in his next film and he will send a ticket to opening night. But the producer then tells him the truth. He makes porno movies. Sax guy is shocked. He's never gone for that kind of stuff and wouldn't be caught dead in a porno movie house, but here's his big chance.

Opening night comes and sax guy slinks his way to the seedy theater. Everyone in the place looks like they have lice or are on a sex offender registry and he has no idea where to sit. Finally he sees an empty seat next to an elderly white-haired. Every filthy couple. They look like his grandparents. he sits next to the old lady and sinks into his seat.

The film starts and it's heinous. Every filthy, disgusting act a human can perform is on the screen. Finally they bring out a dog and the thing goes to town on all the porn actors. Sax guy is disgusted. He can't take the shame and embarrassment at being in the theater witnessing this movie. He leans over to the old lady and whispers that he's only here because he's playing saxophone on the soundtrack and he's not the kind of guy who watches this kind of thing. The old lady smiles and pats his hand and says "That's alright dear, we're only here to see our German Shepherd"

A rabbi and a catholic priest are best pals and they do what they often do, spend some time together. This day, they're having a skinny dip in the little lake before the village. As they get out of the water again, they're surprised by a group of schoolgirls. The priest covers his genitals with his hands, apologizing profusely to the giggling girls; the rabbi covers his face. The girls disappear in the distance. The priest asks the rabbi, "Hey why didn't you cover your dick?" The rabbi answers:"Well, my congregation knows me by my face."

Some of these are very funny, But can someone please explain R15's joke to me, I don't get any of it.

A Rabbi, a Priest, and a Reverend walk into a bar.

The Rabbi goes to the bartender and asks, "Did you hear the one about us?"

A man comes home and excitedly tells his wife. "I won the lottery, I won the lottery! Start packing your bags!"

Wife says, "That's wonderful dear. Should I pack for a cold or a hot climate?"

The husband answers, "I don't care, just pack and get out!"

What do you call all the useless flesh around a vagina?

A woman.

A man is walking home from a bar along a dark street when suddenly he hears a woman’s voice. “Hey, I’ll have sex with you for $5.”

Although he had never been with a prostitute before, he is a bit drunk so thinks, “Why not?”

They begin to go at it, when suddenly, a policeman shines his flashlight in their faces.

“What’s going on here?” asks the policeman.

“I’m just having sex with my wife,” says the guy.

“Oh, sorry, I didn’t know.” replied the policeman.

The man says, “Neither did I until you shined the light on us.”

A captain in the army is out on the town and approaches a hooker.

"Do you fancy some company for sex?" he asks her.

"Twenty-five dollars." replies the hooker.

The officer gives her $25. "OK," he says. "Here's the company. Company, ten-hut! Forward march!"

What do you get when you cross Goat DNA with human DNA? Banned from the petting zoo.

A bear in the woods asks a rabbit if he ever has trouble with shit getting stuck to his fur.

The rabbit responds in disgust, "No, never!"

So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

One kid says to the other one, remember when you were little and used to blow bubbles?

The second kid responds yes.

The first kid then says, "Well, that clown is back in town and asking for you."

A feminist asked me how I view lesbians, and apparently "In HD" was the wrong answer.

What's the best thing about pedophiles?

They always slow down in a school zone.

Why don't blind people go skydiving?

Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

What did Michael Jackson and pimples have in common?

They both came all over your face at age twelve.

What's the worst thing about eating out your grandmother?

Hitting your head on the lid of the coffin.

This thread is offensive. I hope someone will do something about it.

r178 The joke actually is :

"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't care."

R184 that is a really filthy joke.

Tarzan learn to check for squirrel first.

A young man is having no luck with the ladies so he asks his friend for advice.

“What you need to do is go to the beach with a big, rolled up pair of socks pushed down your swimsuit. Works everytime” says his friend.

The young man tries that, but it doesn’t work. “If anything, it’s worse”he tells his friend.

“I meant down the FRONT of your pants, idiot” says his friend.

An oldie:

When is it bedtime at Michael Jackson's house?

When the Big Hand is on the Little Hand.

What's the hardest part of raping a deaf person?

Breaking their fingers so they can't tell anyone.

Did you hear Larry had a stroke? He's all right now.

What do you call a cow who's had an abortion?

Decaffeinated.

What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter that the other?

A Speech impediment

What's the most confusing day in the ghetto?

Father's Day

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young female nurse appears to give him a sponge bath.

"Nurse," the man mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your torso.”

The poor man struggles from behind the mask and asks again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might agitate himself and have a relapse from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. Raising his gown, she grasps his penis to move it out of the way. Then, she gently lifts his scrotum, and rolls his testicles back and forth in the palm of her hand while looking at them intently.

“They look fine to me, sir.”

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you. Are - my - test - results - back?"

So one night, Queen Elizabeth shows up in Princess Diana's room at the palace and says she's really hungry for getting something to eat. So the two of them set out in the queen's Bentley and head out to a 7-11.

As they're leaving the store, munching on their chili-dogs, a thief approaches. "Your Majesty," he demands, "Give me your tiara--I know you don't go anywhere without it." The queen protests..."I was in such a hurry tonight, I forgot to put it on."

So the thief turns to Diana and says, "Princess Diana--I know you never remove the ring that Prince Charles gave you when you were married." And she says, "Tonight, I took it off before I bathed, and I forgot to put it back on."

So the thief demanded the car keys and drove off.

"Your majesty," Princess Di said. "I recall you once said you never ever went anywhere without your tiara."

The queen then explained that this was true, but when she arrived at the 7-11, she got a little worried, so she hid her tiara "down there" amid her "lady bits."

She then asked Diana, "So why aren't you wearing the wedding ring my son gave to you?"

And Diana replied that she, too, was worried about their circumstances, and she, too, had hidden her ring "down there" amid her "lady bits."

The queen responded, "Such a shame--if we had only brought Margaret, we might have saved the Bentley."

A man went out to the woods to go hunting. He sees something moving, aimed and shot at it. Out of the trees comes a bear. The bear angrily yells at the hunter that this was his woods and he doesn't allow hunting there. He grabs the hunter and tells him that he's going to have to blow him as punishment. The hunter complies and the bear lets him go after warning him to never come back.

The next weekend the hunter goes out again, and again sees something moving and shoots at it. The same bear appears and grabs the hunter. He tells the hunter that he knew the bear didn't allow hunting there, and this time he was going to have to blow the hunter and then the bear was going to fuck him up the ass. Afterwards the bear lets the hunter go with a stern warning to never come back.

The weekend after that the hunter again returns to the forest, sees something moving and shoots at it. The very same bear comes out of the brush and grabs the hunter. The the bear stops, looks at the hunter for a moment, and then says...

"Hey, you didn't come here to hunt, did you?"

Sister Mary Elizabeth goes to confession. She says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

"What have you done, my child?"

She responds: "I gazed upon a man's private parts."

The priest tells her, "Go and wash your eyes with holy water. Then say 10 'Hail Marys' and your sins will be forgiven."

Next up, sister Mary Margaret: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

"What have you done, my child?"

"I touched a man's private parts."

"Go and wash your hands with holy water and say 20 'Hail Marys'"

She heads out to the holy water dispenser, where she finds Sister Mary Elizabeth, with watery eyes, and proceeds to wash her hands.

As the two of them stand there saying their "Hail Marys" Sister Mary Theresa shows up and says, "Excuse me sisters, while I gargle."

My pussy stinks.

Two children decide to swear. That morning, they go down to breakfast.

"What do you want to eat?" says their mother.

"Fuck, I'll just have some cereal." says the young girl.

The angry mother hits her daughter so hard, she goes flying acrost the room.

"What do you want, Son?"

The boy replies, "Well, it sure as fuck isn't cereal!"

Two giant angry lesbian twats invade a gay man's website.

A gay man says to his roommate "Let's play hide and seek. If you find me, I'll suck your dick."

The roommate replies, "What if I can't find you?"

The gay guy says "I'll be behind the couch."

My favorite American Idol contestant of all time was Katharine McPhee. When she sang ‘Somewhere Over the Rainbow,’ they cut away to her father in the audience, and he was crying.

That is what my father used to do.

These types of jokes. This must stop.

R211 for the win!

A woman was walking through a park at midnight when a thug jumped out from the bushes and raped her. Sobbing, she cried out, "You scum, you scum!" An the rapist replied, "Das right! And I's comin' again!"

Q - 'Why can only real men drive taxi cabs in Rome?'

A- 'They use their right hand on the stick shift and their left hand to wave to the pretty girls.'

Q - 'How do they steer the wheel then?'

A- 'That's why only real men can drive taxi cabs in Rome!'

Two nuns are driving along the highway when a vampire suddenly alights on the hood of their car. One nun says, 'Sister, show him your cross!' So the other nun leans out of the window and yells out, 'Hey you! Fuck off!'

What do you call a dead Catholic?

Good.

What did one tampon say to the other tampon? Nothing, they were both stuck up cunts

Q: What should you say when a bully asks you why you are so fat?

A: Say "Every time I fuck your Mom she gives me a cookie."

Grandfather: "The Jews run this country you know!"

Grandson: "Grandpa, we live in Israel."

Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

So she can moan with the other one.

If you had a dick growing out of your forehead, would you be able to see it?

No

Your balls would get in the way.

I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I'd like a bag. I said "nah, I'll just turn the lights off."

I had a French convertible once. The top didn’t go down but the driver did.

Remember. Don't shake your box before the queen.

Why did the Black guy wear a tuxedo to his vasectomy?

"If you wants to be impotent you gots to look impotent!"

To teach their daughter a routine to get ready for preschool in the mornings, a man and woman decide that one of them will wake her up and shower with her while the other prepares breakfast.

The first day of preschool arrives and the daughter is showering with her mom. She notices her mom’s breasts and points up to them, asking “Mommy mommy! What are those?!”

“Those are Mommy’s breasts,” explains the woman.

“Will I get breasts, Mommy? When?”

“One day you’ll grow into your very own woman, and when that happens you will have breasts.”

“Ok Mommy, I love you!” says the little girl. They finish preparing for the day and go down for breakfast.

The next day, the mother has to go to work early, so is downstairs prepping breakfast as the girl and Dad shower upstairs. The girl, noticing her Dad’s penis points up and asks, “Daddy! What’s that?!?”

The Dad tries to gently explain what a penis is to the girl. She then asks, “Well when am I going to get that Daddy?!?”

“Wait ‘til Mommy leaves for work, dear”

Two lawyers are shipwrecked on a desert island. After months of just sitting and staring at the ocean, they see a beautiful mermaid swim by.

The first lawyers says, "Let's catch her and fuck her!"

The second lawyer says, "Out of what?"

R 54 A day later and I'm still chuckling about Ed Zachary Disease!

"Mommy! Mommy! I hate Susie's guts!"

"Shut up, dear, and just be thankful for the food you've got."

R230

"Mommy, mommy, why do we have to visit grandma?"

"Shut up and keep digging."

etc. etc.

R231 He’s our grandpa now! LOL

A white guy steals cheese from a black guy's grocery bag. What does the black guy say?

"That's nacho cheese!"

Little Willie with a shout Gouged the baby's eyeballs out He stomped on them to hear them pop Mother said, "Now, William, stop!"

Ok this is tame, but I learned it as a kid.

Q. Have you ever seen a moth ball?

A. Yeah

Q. Really? How’d you get his little legs apart?

Young woman is taking golf lessons. The pro shows her the basics--how to hold the club how to position her feet, and how to swing, and then he puts a ball down and tells her to try hitting it. She carefully does everything he told her, hits the ball, and it goes about 40 feet and hooks. Pro says, "Not bad for a first try, but do again." This time the ball goes about 30 feet and slices.

Pro says, "I think I see your problem. Don't think of the club as a cold inanimate object, imagine it's you husband's penis. Woman takes the club, hits the ball, and this time it goes 300 yards straight down the fairway and lands about 20 feet from the hole.

Pro says, "Well, that was a beautiful shot, but now take the club out of your mouth and let's try it again."

What's great about fucking twenty one year olds?

There are twenty of them.

R58 and 59. As an Interior Designer, I'm here to inform that you should have said "Draperies."

Speaking of japs, how many Jewish American princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two--one to call daddy and one to get the Diet Pepsi.

Old joke:

How psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Only one. But the light bulb has to want to change.

What's the difference between an elephant and a Polish grandmother?

About four pounds.

My penis was once in the Guinness Book of World Records.

Then the librarian called the police.

Q: What do you call an artist without a girlfriend?

A: Homeless

I have a new German boyfriend. Being German, he insists on rating my sexual performance on a scale of 1 to 10.

Last night, we had anal sex for the first time. I must have been great, because he kept yelling “Nine!” “Nine!”

Q: What's worse than having ants in your pants?

A: Uncles

Frankie came home and asked Johnny if the paperboy had come yet. Johnny said "No, but his eyes are glassing over."

A dozen Polish guys tried to rape a German girl. She kept yelling 'Nein, Nein', so three of them got up and left.

Q: Why will women never rule the world?

A: C’mon now! Could you ever imagine an airplane shaped like a taco??

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in divorce court. The judge enters and says “Mr. Mouse, I have reviewed your petition for divorce, and I have some questions. You say in your petition in paragraph 323 that you want to divorce Minnie Mouse because she is insane, is that correct?”

Mickey gets out his paperwork and flips to paragraph 323, and reads the petition. Visibly upset, he says to the judge, “No, no, no your honor! I don’t want to divorce Minnie because she’s insane. I want to divorce Minnie because she’s fucking Goofy!”

A man and a women get the last two tickets on a train, and although they are unmarried, they are forced to share a compartment together. Uncomfortable with each other because they are total strangers, they eventually settle down and get into their beds.

The man is having trouble falling asleep, so he says to the woman “Would you reach into the closet and get me a second blanket. It’s awfully cold in here.”

The woman responds “I have a better idea. Just for tonight, let’s pretend we are married.”

The man exclaims “That’s a great idea.”

The woman replies “Good. Get your own fucking blanket!”

So the man rips a giant fart.

Jack and Jill went up the hill

Each went up with a quarter.

Jill came down with fifty cents.

They didn't go up for water.

This is a favourite off color meme

That joke is amazing!

Why is it not told all the time?

One day a brunette, a redhead and a blonde decide to go through their daughter's purses to see what secrets they were keeping. The brunette goes first. Inside her daughter's purse she finds a pack of cigarettes. She says, "Oh my god, I'm so ashamed! My daughter smokes."

Next, the redhead goes through her daughter's purse and finds an empty can of beer. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter drinks."

Finally, it's the blonde's turn, and inside her daughter's purse she finds a used condom. She says, "Oh my god I'm so ashamed! My daughter has a penis!"

One day, a man wakes up with a red ring around his penis. He can't figure out what it is, so he goes to the doctor. The doctor hands him a tube of cream. "Here. Put this on and the ring'll be gone within the hour.".

The man drove home, put it on, and sure enough, the ring was gone within the hour. But then the next day, he woke up and the ring was there again. He goes to the doctor, and the doctor hands him the same cream, which he puts on. The ring vanishes, only to reappear the next morning. This goes on for a few days before the man finally asks, "Doctor, the cream you're giving me takes care of the ring around my penis, but then it comes back in the morning. What's the stuff you're giving me?"

The doctor hands him another tube of it before replying, "Lipstick remover."

What's red and goes round and round and round?

A baby in a garbage disposal.

R247 meet R169

People should really go through hundreds of replies to make sure they aren't repeating anything before posting , just in case someone who can spare the time to go through hundreds of replies looking for repeats gets the vapors.

Remember, folks, some of us are on the spectrum.

Thank you Miss Priscilla Prism!

[quote] Remember, folks, some of us are on the spectrum

Thoughts and prayers, R258. We'll leave you to a dark, noiseless corner of the room now.

What did Michael Jackson like the most about twenty eight year-olds?

That there were TWENTY of them.

R258 ….

How did Helen Keller's parents punish her? They'd put her in a round room and tell her to go to the corner.

Why did she play the piano with one hand? So she could sing with the other.

Why do farts stink? So that even the deaf can enjoy them.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Doughnuts.

Well, R258, there's this dandy feature called Ctrl F, which lets you search for words within a page. This is very useful for those who are too damn lazy to read, and for those who are more interested in seeing their comments posted than appreciating the contributions of other posters.

R263, I thought Helen Keller’s parents punished her by leaving a plunger in the toilet

R266 I thought they punished Hellen Keller by rearranging the furniture.

R265 -- apparently you didn't search through all the messages in this thread to make sure you weren't repeating someone else said (albeit more eloquently). The problem with ctrl-f is that sometimes the same ideas can be expressed using a different set of words.

R258/R268: Apparently, you like to make shit up. I did search this particular thread and NO ONE before me mentioned the Ctrl F feature, eloquently or not. I took me 5 seconds to complete the search, dear. The first comment referencing the repetition of a joke only appeared at R257.

You're on something, all right, and it's not on the spectrum.

^ *It* took me 5 seconds. . .

What did Helen Keller do when she fell down the well? She screamed her arms off!

Woman goes to the doctor and says she's been feeling sick, throwing up every morning, tired all the time, wants to eat constantly. Doctor tells her she's pregnant. She gets mad and yells at the doctor that there's no way she could be pregnant and he's a shitty doctor. Tells him to do some tests. He does and he comes back and again tells her she's pregnant. She's furious at him and tells him there's no way she can be pregnant. He asks why not and she says she only has anal sex. He sighs and says

"Lady, where do you think lawyers come from?!"

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, "Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter".

Esther always replied, "I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, "Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

Esther replied, "Morris that helicopter is 50 dollars -- and 50 dollars is 50 dollars".

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say one word, it's 50 dollars."

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!"

Morris replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know -- 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Be nice boys. If you are nice we will make you laugh.

A man had a giant boner, so he went to see his wife.

She screamed at the size of his manhood

Then a joke was told

I don't get this ^

Q: How do R269's parents punish him?

A: They leave the plunger standing in the toilet.

Q: What's long and hard and feel with seaman?

A: A submarine.

The perverted artist is painting a portrait.

“You know,” he says. “I’ve never painted anyone in the nude before.”

“Oh really.” says the model.

“Yes” he replies. “Normally, I keep my clothes on.”

R277, see R266.

R277 is also the OP. For someone who has posted 73 comments on his own thread and pretended he's more than one poster ("This thread is offensive. I hope someone will do something about it."), recycling an old Helen Keller joke is worse than Hitler. It's like changing the lyrics of Candle In The Wind so it could be about Princess Diana.

You are lame, OP.

Submarine gets hit by a depth charge and sinks to the ocean floor. They shoot everything they can find out the torpedo tubes to try to lighten the sub so it can float back t the surface, but finally the ship is completely stripped and it still won't float. The Captain does the math and announces to the crew that they still need to lose 225 pounds or they will all die. He goes through the ship's records and there are 3 men on board who weigh at least 225 pounds.

He gathers the 3 men and says, "I'm not going to ask for volunteers because I know you would all cheerfully give your life the save the ship, so we'll do it this way--I'll ask each of you a question on naval history and the first man who can't answer will have the honor of saving his ship."

The men agree so he turns to the first man and says, "What is the greatest disaster in the history of the seas'? First man answers, "The sinking of the Titanic in 1912 sir." Captain shakes his hand and tells him he's correct. Turns to the second man and says "When the Titanic sank how many souls were lost?" Second man thinks for a minute and says, "1503 men women and children perished on the Titanic, sir." Captain shakes his hand and tells him he's correct. Turns to the third man and says "Name them, Ni@@er."

Q: Why doesn't R280 have any friends.

A: Because he has a face like a horse and no cock.

Q: What is dusty, and contains rocks, dried up corncobs, and used condoms?

A: R280's hope chest.

OP, I say let it go. I think he was triggered by my mentioning that there are folks here on the spectrum. I didn't mean to trigger him or anyone else on the spectrum. I was just commenting on how there are people here who see nothing at all unusual about spending their days re-reading DL threads in order to find "got-chas." 280 spends his days doing that, and, I can understand why, so we should just leave him alone.

I kind of feel responsible with setting off this storm, and regret my first post about people on the spectrum

Q: Why does OP WW his posts?

A: Because no one else will.

Q: Why did OP put 75 dumbass posts on his own thread?

A: An incel has nothing else to do with his free time.

R284/R258: Triggered? LQTM. That's quite a stretch, Gen Z snowflake.

[quote]I was just commenting on how there are people here who see nothing at all unusual about spending their days re-reading DL threads in order to find "got-chas." 280 spends his days doing that, and, I can understand why, so we should just leave him alone.

You're projecting,hon. Try harder and maybe some day in the far future you might come close. Might.

[quote}People should really go through hundreds of replies to make sure they aren't repeating anything before posting , just in case someone who can spare the time to go through hundreds of replies looking for repeats gets the vapors.

Do you often have brain farts or are you too inept to function? It took several seconds to check if a joke was posted already. Unlike you, I don't waste time reading hundreds of posts to verify anything. That's for clueless simpletons like you.

You and OP are sensitive fuckwits who can dish it out but can't take it. You posted a snarky comment, got a snarky comment in return, then turned into a self-righteous frau. Pointless bitchery is more than both of you can handle.

Have a miserable day, [italic]cunts[/italic]!

[R284]/[R258]: Triggered? LQTM. That's quite a stretch, Gen Z snowflake.

[quote]I was just commenting on how there are people here who see nothing at all unusual about spending their days re-reading DL threads in order to find "got-chas." 280 spends his days doing that, and, I can understand why, so we should just leave him alone.

You're projecting,hon. Try harder and maybe some day in the far future you might come close. Might.

[quote]People should really go through hundreds of replies to make sure they aren't repeating anything before posting , just in case someone who can spare the time to go through hundreds of replies looking for repeats gets the vapors.

Do you often have brain farts or are you too inept to function? It took several seconds to check if a joke was posted already. Unlike you, I don't waste time reading hundreds of posts to verify anything. That's for clueless simpletons like you.

You and OP are sensitive fuckwits who can dish it out but can't take it. You posted a snarky comment, got a snarky comment in return, then turned into a self-righteous frau. Pointless bitchery is more than both of you can handle.

Have a miserable day, cunts!

Q: Why does OP pretend to be multiple people on this thread?

A: He's not pretending, silly! He suffers from dissociative identity disorder.

Can't we get back to the jokes. This scratching of each other's eyes out is old and tedious.

I'm waiting for them to fall into the estate's lily pond and slap each other around.

Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?

Kermit likes honey-glazed ham.

How do you know if a guy has a high sperm count?

You have chew before you swallow.

What do a pizza delivery guy and a proctologist have in common?

They can smell it, but they can't eat it.

What happened to Pinocchio when he was masturbating?

He caught fire.

Father heard the children scream,

So he threw them in the stream,

Saying as he drowned the third

"Children should be seen, not heard."

From his mirror Little Willie licked the mercury all off,

Thinking in his childish error it would cure his Whooping Cough.

At the funeral, Willie's mother smartly said to Mrs. Brown

"'Twas a chilly night for William when the mercury went down."

R286, you have exposed me. I am a sad man with no friends. But, at least I can get attention on DL.

Q: R287, how can you tell if a fuckwit is having a miserable day?

A: He murders the Uber driver.

That's not even a joke, I don't think. Is Russia invading America again?

The Communists are slowly invading everything.

R293 that is gross.

A little boy is walking down the sidewalk when a guy drives up and rolls down his window and says to the kid "Hey, you want to go get ice cream? Get in my car and I'll take you to get an ice cream! Two scoops! How about it?" The little boy sneers at him and keeps walking.

The guy drives up and tries to talk to him again, "Want to play with some puppies? I know where there's a whole litter pf Golden Retriever puppies and they'll play with you all afternoon! Get in my car and I'll take you to see them!" The kid flips him off and stomps on down the sidewalk again.

The guy catches up to the boy again and says "Maybe you'd like some money. I'll give a nice crisp twenty dollar bill if you just get in my car and go for a ride, please!" He's pleading with the kid until the kid finally turns to him and yells "Damnit Dad, just because you bought a Hummer doesn't mean I'm going to be seen riding in it!!"

A man and a woman have been married for twenty years. One night they were laying in bed when the wife felt her husband begin to touch her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.

His fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then slid his hand across her shoulders and neck, slowly worked it down one side, then the other, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed downward again, working down her side, passed gently over and then in between her buttocks and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.

He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”

“I found the remote,” he said.

What's the best part of an incest joke? It's family friendly.

A nun is out in public, but she finds she has to take a giant shit.

^^ What is a nun doing out in public with Donald Trump?

R307 - Did you escape from the Jimmy Kimmel Show writers room? Because you are HILARIOUS! I just envy that level of sophistication and wit. You must be the toast of NYC and LA!

Please keep this thread alive!

We tried, R309, but the scathing wit of people like R308 sent a clear, "why bother" message.

R310 You're right. It seems good threads go bad by about the 250 - 300 mark. Some troll starts a fight with another troll and the thread goes to shit. Thanks for trying!

Why did the little girl fall off of the swing?

Because she didn't have any arms.

Bump

An old Jew dies and goes to Heaven. He asks if God wants to hear a holocaust joke. God agrees and the man tells the joke. God says, "That wasn't funny. It was offensive." The Jew pauses and replies "I guess you had to be there."