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An Off-Color Joke Thread

Post your favorite off-color jokes here. An off-color joke is one you wouldn't tell at work.

by Anonymousreply 146July 31, 2021 4:08 AM

I was having sex with my boyfriend last night and he leaned over and turned off the light and said "Oh, baby, I'm feeling naughty. Turn off the light. I want you to stick it in my ass."

I did and suddenly he screamed.

I guess next time I'll wait for the bulb to cool down.

by Anonymousreply 1July 6, 2021 4:54 PM

A woman marries and has 10 children. Unfortunately her husband dies.

Soon, she remarries and has 10 more children. Then, that husband dies.

Finally, she marries for a third time and has 10 more children. This time, the woman dies.

At her funeral, the minister says "At least they are together now."

One of the mourners leans over to the person next to her and says "I wonder which husband he is talking about?" And the other mourner says "I think he is talking about her legs."

by Anonymousreply 2July 6, 2021 4:58 PM

With new HR protocols pretty much all jokes are verboten at work so I guess anything is game for the thread.

Q: Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.

by Anonymousreply 3July 6, 2021 5:02 PM

Three women die in an accident and go to Heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says. “We only have one rule here in heaven; don’t step on the ducks!”

They enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

St. Peter immediately appears with the ugliest man any of them have ever seen. He chains the man and the woman together and says “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck, and along comes St. Peter. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment.

The third woman has observed all this, and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks. And then one day, St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on: He is tall, lean, muscular, with high cheek bones, dreamy eyes, a square jaw, and a beautiful luxurious head of hair. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says. “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!”

by Anonymousreply 4July 6, 2021 5:04 PM

What do Taco Bell and a Tijuana Midget Donkey Show have in common?

Chilito and burrito

by Anonymousreply 5July 6, 2021 5:04 PM

What's the difference between a wife and a job?

A job still sucks after 10 years.

by Anonymousreply 6July 6, 2021 5:11 PM

Every time we watch a Chris Pratt movie, my girlfriend immediately goes and takes a long shower.

I don't know what she's doing in there, but it gives me a lot of time to jerk off to Chris Pratt.

by Anonymousreply 7July 6, 2021 6:56 PM

Today at work I learned that a school of piranhas can completely strip the flesh from a child's body in under a minute.

On the downside, I lost my job at the aquarium.

by Anonymousreply 8July 6, 2021 6:58 PM

Q: Why are circumsized men so popular with Jewish girls?

A: They love anything that is 10% off.

by Anonymousreply 9July 6, 2021 6:59 PM

Quick, don’t say anything or the DL historian will post anything you’ve said that offends them!

by Anonymousreply 10July 6, 2021 7:04 PM

Monica Lewinsky takes one of her dresses to the dry cleaner. As she is leaving the dry cleaner yells out "Come Again!"

"No," she replied. "Just toothpaste."

by Anonymousreply 11July 6, 2021 7:04 PM

How can you tell that your roommate is gay?

His dick tastes like shit!

by Anonymousreply 12July 6, 2021 11:15 PM

Q: How can you tell if a Russian is drunk.

A: Just assume it.

by Anonymousreply 13July 7, 2021 5:31 AM

R2, I finally get it. That's funny!

by Anonymousreply 14July 7, 2021 5:32 AM

I like this. It was told to me by my friend Mrs. Rich Lady New York Mother Rapist

Q: How are you? A: I don't care and I don't know. Q: What is the difference between ignorance and boredom?

by Anonymousreply 15July 7, 2021 5:39 AM

The internet does no respect structure.

by Anonymousreply 16July 7, 2021 5:39 AM

I think that I am unique in this universe. I may have

by Anonymousreply 17July 7, 2021 5:40 AM

Wait, there is a knock upon the door,

U;kk be right bacj U an syre

by Anonymousreply 18July 7, 2021 5:40 AM

They won't even let us suggest it.

by Anonymousreply 19July 7, 2021 5:41 AM

Read it before it is erased.

by Anonymousreply 20July 7, 2021 5:41 AM

Any Dire Straits fans in the room tonight?

by Anonymousreply 21July 7, 2021 5:42 AM

A teenager goes to the store and buys a $2 condom. Register says $2.16. He asks what is the 16 cents. Register says “for tax.” He says “oohhh that’s how you get them to stay on!”

by Anonymousreply 22July 7, 2021 5:49 AM

My late dad told me this one: How do you cure a Jewish nymphomaniac? You marry her.

by Anonymousreply 23July 7, 2021 5:54 AM

R22, I owe you 100 blowjobs! I'm still laughing.

by Anonymousreply 24July 7, 2021 6:01 AM

More like these, please.

by Anonymousreply 25July 7, 2021 7:15 AM

How do they separate the men from the boys at boot camp?

With a crowbar.

by Anonymousreply 26July 7, 2021 7:24 AM

These jokes are too off color

by Anonymousreply 27July 7, 2021 7:55 AM

You must control youselves boys.

by Anonymousreply 28July 7, 2021 7:55 AM

What do you call a black kid on a bicycle?

A thief.

by Anonymousreply 29July 7, 2021 8:04 AM

Why does Helen Keller wear skin tight pants?

So you can read her lips.

by Anonymousreply 30July 7, 2021 8:10 AM

Boris just wants another Bigotry Celebration Thread.

F&F, punch and delete.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 31July 7, 2021 8:13 AM

How do you circumcise a Trump supporter?

Kick his sister in the jaw!

by Anonymousreply 32July 7, 2021 8:40 AM

A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain. He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. "This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy." The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns. "Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!" "Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday." "Why not Thursday?" "That's your day in the barrel."

by Anonymousreply 33July 7, 2021 9:34 AM

Getting all teary eyed and speaking with hesitation to deliver the following joke when WW2 comes up:

“Well, it’s painful for me to talk about the war..”

- Oh, why’s that?

“My grandfather died in one of the camps”

… silence …

“He fell out of a guard tower!”

by Anonymousreply 34July 7, 2021 9:39 AM

A mother is cleaning her sons bedroom, when she happens upon some serious bondage magazines and fetish gear.

That night she asks her husband. "What do you think we should do?"

Her husband replies "I'm no expert, but I don't think we should spank him."

by Anonymousreply 35July 7, 2021 3:56 PM

What’s the hardest part about roller blading?

by Anonymousreply 36July 7, 2021 4:02 PM

A guy goes to the doctor for his yearly physical. He's sitting on the exam table while the doctor checks his heart and breathing.

"You really should stop masturbating." the doctor says while listening to the man's heart.

"Really? Why, doctor?"

"Because I'm trying to examine you!"

by Anonymousreply 37July 7, 2021 4:29 PM

Madonna told Rocco she wanted to spend more quality time with him, so he bought a double dildo.

by Anonymousreply 38July 7, 2021 4:29 PM

A drunk is cutting through a cemetery late one night when he falls into an empty grave.

A few hours later, another drunk is cutting through and he hears, "Help me! I'm so cold!"

He looks down in the hole at the first drunk and says, "Of course you're cold, silly. You kicked off all your dirt!"

by Anonymousreply 39July 7, 2021 4:33 PM

To R3, You stole my joke!! I heard that joke for the 1st time in Wildwood NJ in 1985-86. A drunken HOT str8(???) man told me that joke at the Penalty Box in Wildwood, right after a Great brawl in the bar. His name was Ernie from Pennsauken NJ. Ernie says "Yo Buddy, You're a Psycho, who does that in the middle of a brawl?" As I'm leaning on the bar, Ernie says to me"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree", then whispers in my ear...Because it was DEAD!! I turned my head and said "That's the fucking joke" and started laughing. we went to his car-grabbed chairs-blankets , Fucked all night(Schellenger Ave area) beach. Ernie and I(and Vinnie the cop) are still buddies.

by Anonymousreply 40July 7, 2021 5:17 PM

R40 Interesting, I’m from Pennsylvanian too and that timeframe is about when I first heard it too. It’s great because it’s unexpected, but yet poignant. Never imagined it as a pickup line though, lol.

by Anonymousreply 41July 7, 2021 5:30 PM

A drunk spies an old slag sitting at the end of the bar. He stumbles over to her, sloshes his drink, and says, "Hey, honey, I sure could use a little pussy." She says, "So can I, pal. Mine's as big as that fuckin' ashtray!"

by Anonymousreply 42July 7, 2021 5:34 PM

Why did the sperm cross the road?

Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

by Anonymousreply 43July 7, 2021 7:55 PM

A penguin takes his car to the shop and the mechanic says it'll take about an hour for him to check it. While he waits, the penguin goes to an ice cream shop and orders a big sundae to pass the time. The penguin isn't the neatest eater, and he ends up covered in melted ice cream. When he returns to the shop, the mechanic takes one look at him and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." "No," the penguin insists, "it's just ice cream."

by Anonymousreply 44July 7, 2021 7:59 PM

What did Prince Charming do when he got to the ball?

Make choking noises.

by Anonymousreply 45July 7, 2021 8:29 PM

Q: What does a Ford Pinto have in common with Danny Pintauro?

A: Both of them will kill you if you run into them from behind!

by Anonymousreply 46July 7, 2021 8:32 PM

What’s long, brown, and stinky?

by Anonymousreply 47July 7, 2021 9:18 PM

R46 I can beat that-

Q: What’s the worse place to be driving down the highway?

A: Behind a Pinto and in front of an Audi 5000.

by Anonymousreply 48July 7, 2021 9:23 PM

A handsome man is drowning his sorrows at a local pub. Several women try to comfort him.

"What's wrong?" one asks.

"I’m depressed!” he sighs. “The wife and I are having troubles."

"What kind?"

"Sex. I like kink. She’s very traditional".

"Well,” another woman says, “if you want kink, talk to the blonde at the other end of the bar. She's kinky. She'll make you feel better."

He walks over to meet the blonde. They have a couple of drinks, she invites him home. When they arrive, she excuses herself to change into something appropriate. She goes to bedroom, and puts on leather panties, gets whips, chains, tit clamps, etc.

All geared up, she goes out to living room, where she sees that the man he has put overcoat on and is leaving.....

"Hey, what's the matter?” she asks. “I thought we were going to have a scene?"

"Hey lady, I shit in your purse; I fucked your dog; I'm outta here."

by Anonymousreply 49July 7, 2021 9:33 PM

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.

The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face and the egg is frowning and looking very put out.

The egg mutters to no one in particular, "I guess we answered that question."

by Anonymousreply 50July 7, 2021 9:34 PM

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him. "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired. They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying . . that phrase in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

by Anonymousreply 51July 7, 2021 9:35 PM

it involves Julio Iglesias, Diana Ross, lovemaking and a wallet

by Anonymousreply 52July 7, 2021 9:36 PM

A guy walks into a bar and finds the piano player is only 12 inches tall. So he asks the bartender, "what's with the piano player?"

The bartender says, "there's a wishing toilet in the men's bathroom that will grant you whatever wish you want."

So the guy goes into the men's bathroom, finds the wishing toilet, says, " I wish for a million bucks," and flushes it. Then out come a million ducks.

The guy runs back to the bartender and says "something's wrong with your toilet. I wished for a million bucks and it gave me a million ducks!"

The bartender says, "yeah, sorry, I forgot to tell you: the toilet is hard of hearing."

The guy says, "why didn't you tell me that ahead of time?"

The bartender tells him, "take it easy, mac. You think I asked for a 12-inch pianist?"

by Anonymousreply 53July 7, 2021 9:41 PM

Ed Zachary Disease!!

A middle aged gay man was very distraught at the fact that he had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. He was afraid he might have something wrong with him, so he decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist.

He was recommended to go see Dr. Chang the well known Chinese sex therapist. At his first appointment he said, "OK, take off all you crose."

The guy did as he was told.

"Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the man did as he was instructed.

Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me." So he did.

Dr. Chang slowly shook his head and said, "Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates.

Confused, the man asked, "Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"

Dr. Chang looked the guy in the eyes and replied, "Ed Zachary disease" is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass."

by Anonymousreply 54July 7, 2021 11:38 PM

That made me laugh out loud, r54. I’m not racist, just high as fuck.

by Anonymousreply 55July 7, 2021 11:46 PM

I need to get high, I'm not getting it.

by Anonymousreply 56July 8, 2021 6:17 AM

R31 is Ling-Ling.

by Anonymousreply 57July 8, 2021 6:42 AM

How do you make a Jewish American Princess Scream?

You fuck her up the ass and wipe your dick on the drapes.

by Anonymousreply 58July 8, 2021 7:46 AM

R58, that same joke was first told to me as “How do you make an old queen scream twice?” “You fuck him up the arse then you wipe your cock on his drapes.”

by Anonymousreply 59July 8, 2021 11:22 AM

Two friends who have not seen each other in a while bump into each other on the street one day.

Woman 1: Girl, where have you been? I haven’t seen you in forever.

Woman 2: Girl, I’m so busy. I have 3 lovers right now.

Woman 1: Three lovers! How do you keep them all straight in your head?

Woman 2: Girl, it’s easier than you think. I just name them after soft drinks?

Woman 1: Why do you do that?

Woman 2: The first one I call him Seven up. Cause he got seven inches and it keeps going up. The second one, his name is Mountain Dew, cause he knows how to mount and knows what to do. The third one, I call him Jack Daniels.

Woman 1: Hold on girl, Jack Daniels ain’t no soft drink

Woman 2: That’s right baby. He’s one hard licker.

by Anonymousreply 60July 8, 2021 11:41 AM

A handsome young man wished to buy a special birthday gift for his daddy, but didn't want to ask him for additional money, so he began turning tricks on the side. Unfortunately, a week before the big event his daddy came home unexpectedly early and caught him with his pants down and a cock at both ends. The two customers fled, leaving the sad young man to explain that he was only earning money to buy his daddy a wonderful present. "See," he said, grabbing his bank book, "I opened a special bank account and kept detailed records and everything!" The daddy looked at the balance: $800.10. The daddy realized his boy was telling the truth, but asked, "Who the hell gave you a dime??"

"Everyone!"

by Anonymousreply 61July 8, 2021 6:56 PM

A gay guy from NYC and a Mormon were seated next to each other on a flight. As soon as the flight was airborne, the flight attendant came by and asked for their drink orders.

"I'll have a whiskey," said the gay guy.

The mormon said "I'd rather be raped by every man on this plane than have a drink of alcohol!"

The gay guy said "I didn't know we had a choice. Cancel my drink."

by Anonymousreply 62July 8, 2021 7:43 PM

^ How very rude of you!

by Anonymousreply 63July 8, 2021 7:56 PM

A man needs to have a colonoscopy, but he is gay and embarrassed to have it done because he is afraid that he will get an erection during the procedure. Finally, he hears about a local clinic where all the staff are gay, so he schedules an appointment.

The day arrives and he goes to the clinic. Everyone is kind and so nice that he is totally relaxed. Eventually, he is wheeled into the room and where the procedure will happen. The doctor gently inserts the colonoscope into his anus.

"Now," says the doctor, "at this point in the procedure, it's totally normal to get an erection."

"But doctor," says the man with relief, "I don't have an erection."

"I know." says the doctor. "But I do."

by Anonymousreply 64July 9, 2021 11:49 AM

There are two things I hate in the world:

Racist jokes

Koreans

by Anonymousreply 65July 9, 2021 12:03 PM

Walking up to a gay friend, tapping them on the shoulder, and going “Fag, you’re it!”

It gets a suprising number of laughs. Only works in a completely gay setting, though.

by Anonymousreply 66July 9, 2021 1:21 PM

R61 r64 😀😀

by Anonymousreply 67July 9, 2021 4:24 PM

Wife: "My gynecologist said I can't have sex for 3 weeks."

Husband: "What did your dentist say?"

by Anonymousreply 68July 9, 2021 4:34 PM

A woman had a blind date and the guy showed up with a dozen roses. She said "Now I guess you want me to spread my legs." The guy said, "Don't you have a vase?"

by Anonymousreply 69July 9, 2021 4:36 PM

A boy scout and scout master were in close quarters inside a tent.

Scout Master: "You're so cute I'm sticking my finger in your belly button".

Scout: "Hey- that's not my belly button!"

Scout master:" That's not my finger, either"

by Anonymousreply 70July 9, 2021 5:02 PM

I saw this sign "When one door closes, another door opens, other than that it is a pretty good car."

by Anonymousreply 71July 10, 2021 1:46 AM

Three gay prostitutes accidentally show up on the wrong days at a rich man's apartment.

The lesbian doorman lets them.

Suddenly their is an earthquake.

by Anonymousreply 72July 10, 2021 1:49 AM

Their *what* is an earthquake, R72?

by Anonymousreply 73July 10, 2021 1:55 AM

BUMP

by Anonymousreply 74July 10, 2021 2:41 AM

R73, is an exploritory exercise.

Pretend you are in a lesbian colony.

by Anonymousreply 75July 10, 2021 2:54 AM

A pedophile and child are walking in the woods. The child says "I'm scared mister". The pedophile says "YOU'RE scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone"

by Anonymousreply 76July 10, 2021 2:58 AM

Ace and Gary are having sex when the phone rings. Ace goes to answer the phone and tells Gary, “Hey, Don’t finish yourself off until I get back.” After returning from the other room, Ace sees cum all over the bed and wall of the bedroom. “Jesus, Gary, I said not to finish yourself off until I got back!” Gary turns to him and says, “I didn’t! I just farted.”

by Anonymousreply 77July 10, 2021 3:01 AM

A little girl goes to see Santa Claus at the local shopping mall. When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?"

"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe," says the little girl.

"But Barbie comes with Ken," Santa says.

"No, Barbie only cums with GI Joe!"

by Anonymousreply 78July 10, 2021 3:04 AM

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I've been circumcised." the other replied.

"What does that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?" the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

by Anonymousreply 79July 10, 2021 3:09 AM

An off-color bar sign reads:

Liquor in the front.

Poker in the rear.

by Anonymousreply 80July 10, 2021 3:12 AM

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die!"

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms. While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast. So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.

by Anonymousreply 81July 10, 2021 3:17 AM

Karen was walking past a pool with two gay guys pushing a turd back and forth between them. She said, "What on earth are you doing?" and one said, "We're teaching our child to swim".

by Anonymousreply 82July 10, 2021 6:52 AM

Fuck. I have been caught.

by Anonymousreply 83July 10, 2021 7:02 AM

Some of these jokes are very off color.

by Anonymousreply 84July 10, 2021 7:56 AM

R77 can I worship you as a God?

by Anonymousreply 85July 10, 2021 8:39 AM

A man is sent by his woman to the store to buy some tampons. He is unskilled at this purchase. In fact, he doesn't even know the part of the store where they are at.

He apporaches an older matronly woman in a store vest and says "Can you tellme where the tampax are?"

Clontinued next week

by Anonymousreply 86July 10, 2021 8:57 AM

"t's OK i just farted."

by Anonymousreply 87July 10, 2021 8:59 AM

Did you know that Heller Keller had her own tree house? Don’t worry if you didn’t know, neither did she.

by Anonymousreply 88July 10, 2021 11:42 AM

Q: Why did the condom go flying across the room?

A: It got pissed off.

by Anonymousreply 89July 10, 2021 3:28 PM

I bought a box of condoms earlier today. The cashier asked if I'd like a bag. I said "nah, I'll just turn the lights off."

by Anonymousreply 90July 10, 2021 10:12 PM

R54 I heard the same joke with Eleanor Roosevelt instead of Ed .

by Anonymousreply 91July 10, 2021 10:28 PM

How do you make a whore moan? Kick her in the cunt.

It's the only dirty joke I know.

by Anonymousreply 92July 10, 2021 10:31 PM

Everyone's favorite Datalounge eldergay hired a new, young (obviously) houseboy. Just for household chores, honest. Really. Anyway...

One morning the older man was finishing up his ablutions after a wild night with a hot rent boy while his millennial houseboy came in to strip the bed. To his horror, the young man happened upon a very-much used condom between the sheets and held it up -a blank look of curiosity on his face.

The eldergay tried to laugh it off, saying, "Come now. Surely your youngsters use those too?"

"Of course we do," replied the lad, "but we don't skin them afterward!"

by Anonymousreply 93July 11, 2021 1:34 AM

What's gray and comes in quarts? . . . An elephant.

by Anonymousreply 94July 11, 2021 2:06 AM

A man is sent to the supermarket to buy some tampons for his wife. He is quite embarrassed and wants to get in and get out as quickly as possible.

He finally finds the tampon section, so he grabs the first box that he finds and quickly walks to the check out. Unfortunately, the box of tampons won't scan, and much to his chagrin, the checker gets on the store loud speaker and says "I need a price check on Tampax on register five."

Well, the stock man in the back of the store mishears the checker and thinks she asked for a price check on "thumb tacks". So he gets on the loudspeaker and answers back "Do you mean the kind you push in with your thumb, or the kind you hit with a hammer?"

by Anonymousreply 95July 11, 2021 1:31 PM

My boyfriend told me that sex is much better on vacation.

Not the best postcard I ever received...

by Anonymousreply 96July 11, 2021 9:34 PM

I don’t get the joke @r93.

by Anonymousreply 97July 11, 2021 10:20 PM

R97: The boy didn't recognize what the condom was. The implication is that he thought the eldergay skinned his trick's cock...

by Anonymousreply 98July 12, 2021 1:04 AM

Two old ladies were taking a walk when a man jumped out and flashed his cock at them. One of the ladies had a stroke; the other couldn't quite reach.

by Anonymousreply 99July 12, 2021 11:51 PM

Lol^^

by Anonymousreply 100July 13, 2021 12:38 AM

Thanks for the explanation, r98. I would never have got there. :-)

by Anonymousreply 101July 13, 2021 10:54 AM

There’s got to be an off colored joke somewhere here about needing to use the off colored restrooms?

by Anonymousreply 102July 13, 2021 12:21 PM

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."

He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand."

The foreman returns in a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"

The Italian replies, "I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but I no coulda finda him nowhere."

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither."

The foreman is really angry now. He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent.

Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!!!!"

by Anonymousreply 103July 15, 2021 6:01 PM

What's the difference between a midget conman and a yeast infection? One's a cunning runt....

by Anonymousreply 104July 16, 2021 1:43 AM

There was a midget psychic that escaped from a local prison last night and this morning's news headline was: Small Medium at Large

by Anonymousreply 105July 19, 2021 1:39 AM

Bump

by Anonymousreply 106July 19, 2021 3:17 AM

Sometimes you can sense a friend want to take things further... Will it ruin the friendship?

Things get hot and heavy on the sofa one night and you think, "Well, this doesn't feel right. You're my best friend. You're not even allowed on the couch!"

by Anonymousreply 107July 19, 2021 7:19 PM

What do you get if you cross the Queen and Prince Phillip?

Killed in a tunnel.

by Anonymousreply 108July 19, 2021 7:38 PM

I gave my girlfriend an earth-shattering orgasm. Bitch spit it back in my face.

by Anonymousreply 109July 19, 2021 8:08 PM

A guy fishes every morning on a pier overlooking the ocean. One day he arrives and sees a young woman in a wheelchair, crying.

"Why are you crying, miss?"

"I've never been hugged." Feeling generous, the guy hugs her. "Now you've been hugged," he says with a smile.

The next morning, he arrives at the pier and sees the young woman crying again. "Oh, miss, why are you crying today?"

"I've never been kissed." In order to stop her wailing , the guy gives her a small kiss. "Okay, now you've been kissed. Will you please stop crying so I can fish?"

The next day, our fisherman returns to find the wheelchair-bound young lady has returned, and is crying even harder this time. Exasperated, he asks her, "Okay, why are you crying today??"

"I've never been fucked."

He walks over to her, pushes her wheelchair to the end of the pier, and dumps her in the ocean.

"NOW you've been fucked!!!"

by Anonymousreply 110July 19, 2021 8:09 PM

When asked what he would do with Red China, the Polish Foreign Minister swiftly replied he'd put it on a purple tablecloth.

by Anonymousreply 111July 19, 2021 8:17 PM

When asked if he would like to become a Jehovah's Witness, the Polish bloke replied, he could not, as he did not see the accident.

by Anonymousreply 112July 19, 2021 8:22 PM

Not off color but I thought it was funny

A Sign that said:

When one door closes, another door opens, other than that it is a pretty decent car.

by Anonymousreply 113July 19, 2021 8:28 PM

How do you get a gay man to fuck a woman?

Shit in her cunt.

by Anonymousreply 114July 19, 2021 9:04 PM

Father O'Reilly and Rabbi Birnbaum have struck up quite the unlikely friendship. The temple is a few doors down from the church, and the good rabbi even helps the father by listening to confessions, as Father O'Reilly is frequently indisposed on account of a medical issue.

Fr. O'Reilly has typed up a convenient cheat sheet for Rabbi Birnbaum, so he knows how many Our Fathers and Hail Marys to prescribe for the parishoners' penance. He has instructed the rabbi to ask one of the altar boys, should some unusual sin come up not on the list.

One afternoon the two are visiting during confession times, Fr. O'Reilly gets the call to the loo again, and asks Rabbi Birnbaum to get into the box, "sure, no problem Father"...

Soon a young lad begins confessing that not only did he commit an act of sodomy, but that he gave an older man a blow job. Rabbi Birnbaum nervously scans the list, and tells the lad he'll need to reflect on this matter privately for a bit, but will be back shortly with his penance.

When the rabbi asks the altar boy what Fr. O'Reilly gives for a blow job, the altar boy replies "usually two candy bars and a coke".

by Anonymousreply 115July 19, 2021 9:05 PM

Helen took her elderly, hard of hearing husband, George, to the doctor.

The doctor said they would first weigh George. “What did he say???” yelled George.

“GET ON THE SCALE!” yelled Helen.

The doctor then said the next step was to take George’s temperature. “What did he say???” George yelled again.

“OPEN YOUR MOUTH!” Helen replied.

The doctor then asked for stool and urine samples. Again, George yelled at Helen: “What did he SAY????”

“HAND HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!!!”

by Anonymousreply 116July 19, 2021 11:12 PM

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but plastic wrap. When the doctor sees him he says-

I CAN CLEARLY SEE YOUR NUTS.

by Anonymousreply 117July 19, 2021 11:16 PM

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?

Cause at 69 she gets a frog in her throat

by Anonymousreply 118July 19, 2021 11:40 PM

Helen Keller’s favorite color is corduroy!

by Anonymousreply 119July 19, 2021 11:50 PM

A Year Nine pupil is struggling with some general understanding of government, and political economy. At the breakfast table, this lad's toff of a dad tells him he's very disappointed in his son's lack of progress. He proceeds to tell his son, it's quite simple, and that he's going to create an analogy for him. I go off to work everyday, and I'm the Capitalist. When I receive my pay, I turn it over to your mum who is the government here; she decides what is spent, what is given away, and however much I'm allowed to keep. The son asks "is it really as simple as all that?" No, the toff replied, well, we have other people, who we'd rather not be confused by, like the underclass... our maid here for this analogy would be the underclass, and mum decides how much we give her. Well, there's a few other things, such as your baby brother, well he is the future.

Now the lad is really confused, and does poorly on another exam. The poor thing sleeps quite fitfully, and he's awakened to hear strange sounds coming from down the hall. He gets up, pads down to his parents' room, and looks in to find his mum sleeping, but his dad missing.

He notices the sounds growing louder further down the hall, and the door to the maid's room is ajar... He peers in to see his dad fucking the maid. He rubs his eyes, and pads off back to bed. On his say back to his room, he hears his baby brother screaming at the top of his lungs... he stops in his brother's room, finds his nappy full of shit, and proceeds to give him a change.

Next morning, dad asks his son whether or not the economy is a bit more clear to him. The son said, "yeah dad, it actually came to me all of a sudden in the middle of the night, after your brilliant analogy at the breakfast table." Glad to hear I was some help son, so what exactly became clear to you? The son said "Whilst the government is sleeping, the Capitalist fucks the underclass, and the future is full of shit!"

by Anonymousreply 120July 20, 2021 4:35 AM

A man goes to Home Depot and tells an employee he needs to buy a curtain rod. After giving him an aisle number, the employee asks "Will you be putting it up yourself?"

"No," the man replies. "It'll go above the window."

by Anonymousreply 121July 20, 2021 4:52 AM

Hear about the girl that went fishing with a group of guys?? They didnt catch anything, but she came back with a red snapper......

by Anonymousreply 122July 20, 2021 5:12 AM

Why did Sally fall off the swing?

Because she has no arms.

by Anonymousreply 123July 20, 2021 5:17 AM

I told one of these jokes at my reunion.

I was looked down upon.

by Anonymousreply 124July 20, 2021 8:27 AM

Eat my load boy R57.

by Anonymousreply 125July 20, 2021 8:37 AM

Knock knock

Who's there?

Not Sally

by Anonymousreply 126July 20, 2021 3:40 PM

There's a Sushi bar that's VERY popular with Lawyers it's called SO SOO ME.

by Anonymousreply 127July 20, 2021 4:34 PM

Why don't Italians have freckles?

They keep sliding off.

by Anonymousreply 128July 21, 2021 11:41 PM

Whats the difference between oral and anal sex? Oral sex makes your day. Anal sex makes your whole week.

by Anonymousreply 129July 22, 2021 8:01 PM

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

A: His boyfriend is out of town.

by Anonymousreply 130July 23, 2021 12:58 AM

Q: What does a girl from the Bronx say after she's done having sex?

A: Get up Dad, your crushing my smokes.

by Anonymousreply 131July 23, 2021 12:20 PM

Jane had just met Tarzan and found herself quite attracted to him. One day, she asked him how he had sex.

"When Tarzan horny, he just stick it in hole in tree over there," said Tarzan, pointing to a nearby tree.

"Oh no," replied Jane. "I know a much better place." She quickly undressed. "Just stick it in here."

Tarzan approached her with an excited look, and removed his loincloth. Then, just as Jane was laying back, he kicked her really hard between the legs.

"Fuck!" cried Jane. "What did you do that for?"

He replied, "Tarzan learn to always check for squirrel first."

by Anonymousreply 132July 23, 2021 2:27 PM

No, R131, she asks, "Are you guys all on the same team?"

by Anonymousreply 133July 23, 2021 6:16 PM

R129 "hole week"?

by Anonymousreply 134July 24, 2021 2:00 PM

Hole weak, r134

by Anonymousreply 135July 24, 2021 3:04 PM

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires.

"I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," responded the young man.

"6 shots! Are you celebrating something?"

"Yeah, my first blowjob."

"Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house."

"No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, Nothing will."

by Anonymousreply 136July 29, 2021 6:11 AM

A small guy goes into an elevator. When he gets in he notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small guy faints! The big dude picks up the small guy, brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, and asks the small guy. "What's wrong?"

The small guy says, "Excuse me but what did you say?"

The big dude looks down and says "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 poupnd right ball, my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around.'"

by Anonymousreply 137July 29, 2021 6:13 AM

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one,¥ his wife asked a question, and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the young man out to the kitchen for something to eat. Once he was gone the mother turned to the father.

The mother said, "That's wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?!"

The father replies "From the smell of his fingers, our son in-law!"

by Anonymousreply 138July 29, 2021 6:23 AM

Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"

Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"

by Anonymousreply 139July 29, 2021 6:33 AM

So this guy travels from Chicago to Tokyo for business. He arrives a day before his meeting with a Japanese exec so he decides to paint the town. He ends it with a hooker who speaks no English. The entire time he is fucking her she keeps screaming, “Tawanaki! Tawanaki!” The guy knows no Japanese but he does have a pretty big ego, so he thinks to himself, “I must really be givin’ It to this chick!” Encouraged by her screams, he fucks her even harder, and she continues to scream over and over “Tawanaki!” She leaves, he sleeps. The next morning, he meets with the Japanese exec, who speaks English as well as he does his native tongue. The two men go golfing. Chicago guy takes his turn and the ball goes in with one swing. Remembering the hooker from the night before, he yells, “Tawanaki!!” The Japanese exec looks at him with great confusion, asking, “What do you mean, ‘Wrong hole’?”

by Anonymousreply 140July 29, 2021 8:09 AM

Bottom : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Top : "How about the ones like mine?"

Bottom : "Those they gave away."

Top : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off assholes. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Bottom : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Top : "That's where they held the auction."

by Anonymousreply 141July 30, 2021 1:34 AM

You are all terrible human beings but I'm laughing my head off! More!!

by Anonymousreply 142July 30, 2021 11:20 AM

A rude man walks into the bank and tells the teller, "I want to open a fucking savings account."

The teller, upset, says "We don't tolerate language like that here."

The man asks "What's your fucking problem, bitch? It's not like anyone really gives a shit!"

The teller is deeply offended and goes to speak to the manager. The manager, hearing the story, says, “You wait here. I’ll handle this.”

He walks over to the man says, “Is there a problem?”

The man replies, “There’s no fucking problem. All I wanna do is take my ten million dollar check from winning the lottery and put it in this goddamn bank!"

The managers responds “That teller is a real cunt, isn’t she.”

by Anonymousreply 143July 30, 2021 8:09 PM

What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?

At least a pimple waits until you're 12 to come on your face

by Anonymousreply 144July 31, 2021 2:55 AM

I used to date a good priest.

by Anonymousreply 145July 31, 2021 3:59 AM

I need to date a good priest to take care of both my body and soul.

by Anonymousreply 146July 31, 2021 4:08 AM
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