45+ gays, what advice would you give the 45 and under gays?

Always have a "Plan B" or a back-up plan. Call it what you want. Learn to laugh at yourself, don't take Life so seriously. Not having a Husband or partner, its not the end of the world.

Put as much money as is practical away in an employer sponsored 401K or other retirement plans. Make automatic payroll deductions. Now. Floss. Pay attention to ergonomics. Don't be afraid to completely disconnect with toxic relatives or friends. Or jobs. Punch and delete and don't look back. You know who they are. Be kind to yourself and others.

"Always have a "Plan B" or a back-up plan."

Good advice, you may think he'll love you forever, but forever is a long time. Best you have your own career, money and friends

Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels

Keep yourself fit, because you're still going to want to get laid well into your 60s and you don't want to look like an old creep

you came to the wrong place for advice, most elders gays here on DL are either alone or unhappy or both...

Don't get any fucking tattoos. They all look like dog shit after age 50. Wear sunscreen and moisturize regularly. Don't buy designer labels. They are ALL a fucking scam. Make foreign travel a priority. Learn as many cultures and languages as you are capable. Read, listen to a wide range of genres of music, and be kind to animals.

^ No we're not, ass

^ For r6

Don't get married. Love becomes handcuffs. Keep your freedom.

Travel as much as you can afford. Don’t buy useless crap. Keep coworkers at a healthy distance, they are not your friends. Use sunscreen, a good retinol night cream, and yearly laser treatments (micro needling if you can’t afford laser.) Don't settle when it comes to love.

Give people a chance (relationships, friendships), but know when to cut things off. Don’t stay w/people just bc you’re lonely. Don’t waste your youth being a doormat.

Obviously stay the fuck away from illicit party drugs..they are the express lane to a ruined life . No PNP fuck session with multiple hot guys is worth your entire life.

Whatever Cockgobbler is doing... Don't do that

R11 - I am 43, in a once in a lifetime position to travel and I just got my ass so out of shape and suffer from ennui that am too lazy. My roommate won't go alone (I know Western Europe has gotten crazy for women alone so she wants me to beard for her 🤦‍♀️....times change, we used to need beards) but I also know it's cool cuz we can split big expenses and we keep our space and also, occasionally just hang out for drinks. How do I snap my ass out of this rut? I am kind of being a dick.

R15 - Ditch her and just go on your own if you want to travel. I love traveling by myself and you will get more dick without your girlfriends tagging along.

[quote] yearly laser treatments (micro needling if you can’t afford laser.)

What age should the laser treatments start? Are you talking for broken capillaries/brown spots under the skin?

Keep your hole asshole fresh and pristine. It's going to be with you a long time and you don't want hot dogs down the hallway by the time you are 50. A prolapsed anus is never in style no matter what gen z is touting. A rosebud isn't so rosy on an older man. Anal is like escargot - it's good every so often but nobody should have it every day.

Lose that extra weight now because your skin elasticity diminishes by your late 40’s, and it may not bounce back without being saggy or crepey.

Live. Laugh. Love.

Accept yourself. You may not be (or always be) good looking, thin, and desirable. But you're gonna be with yourself a long time so accept yourself. Doesn't mean you should work on your body. But don't hate yourself.

R16 - no, I don't really go with her except as roommates and eating and drinking in and I cruise on my own. I am a top so really, dick isn't a must for me and I get sex plus I get my own room and hit the gay bars and places by myself. It's not her (she actually pushes me to go out to meet guys), but my own depression I need to defeat.

Take care of your teeth. Brush three times a day. I could buy a house with the money I've spent on dentistry.

Don't immerse yourself in hateful thoughts. If you find yourself hating someone or something, disconnect.

Don't smoke, and keep a tight rein on the drinking.

R15 WTF? Western Europe is not 'crazy' for women travelling on their own, no more so than N America anyway.

Stop watching Fox News!!! That'll also help with your depression.

(you will be very welcome here in Western Europe, and since you obviously have a lot to learn you should seize this opportunity with both hands).

Don't waste your time on approval from others. The truth is, the moment you stop asking for their approval they beg you to take their approval, because they see you as the confident being you have become.

Buy a house or a condo - don't rent. The upkeep may be a pain but having something to sell when you want to retire makes a huge difference.

Get a long term partner when you're still young enough to attract men.

R25 - we know it well. Just because a bunch of Moroccan idiots followed her by Sacre Coeur. We hate Fox and don't even get it. Only CNN out here and BBC.

Go sow your wild oats often and without abandon in your 20's. Then embark on your search for a soulmate, as elusive as that sounds, and venture into a relatively monogamous and creative life. It' s the pathway to serenity and happiness. Perpetually chasing dick or ass is a meaningless existence.

[quote] Get a long term partner when you're still young enough to attract men.

I agree with this, if a LT relationship is your goal.

Fuck as much as humanely possible when young, after 50 no one will look at you but homeless men needing cash.

Find a good tailor and shoe repair. Spend a bit more money on high quality shoes and belts.

Quit smoking. The damage that you are doing to your body is irreversible.

Die in a grease fire when you're 44 then you won't have to worry about it

Avoid debt. Pay off your credit card bill every month. Live within your means.

No, I’m not Suze Orman - I’m someone who should have gotten that advice when I was young. Now I’m 56 and still paying off CC bills that I ran up 15 years ago. I won’t be able to retire until one of my parents dies and leaves me some money.

Don’t be like me! Don’t go into debt (except for mortgages and a car, but *only* if you have absolutely no other way of getting around and don’t have the cash to buy a good used one). This means you may not be able to follow some of the advice above re: traveling and having nice clothes, but too bad.

NOTHING is more important than not being in stupid debt. NOTHING.

Pay attention to what self-described A list gays are saying and doing. Then say/do the exact opposite.

so much good advice above (if you weed out the asshole posts)

I vote for financial planning and a Plan B. I'd also say continue to hone your work-related skills. No smoking, light drinking; exercise, sunblock, laughter, lovemaking not just hollering NEXT! Learn to kiss really well.

Stop trying to force relationships with family members ("because we're family"). Look at them as they are (each of them). They will not change. Do you like that person? If not, I wouldn't waste time trying to force anything further. You can be cordial at Thanksgiving, whatever, but that's about the extent of it, sometimes.

Don't hookup. Just jerk off to Pornhub. Intimacy with other people is overrated, animalistic, and risky for diseases. Have a good group of platonic friends. Also travel, travel, travel

Travel. Move around. Don't stay in the place you grew up or took your first real job because of friends or family or because your job is there. Move, see what it's like to live in different places, try new things, meet new people, change your diet, your language, see the world in different ways. And do it as often as you can reasonably do . It's a fast track to figuring out what you want in life, not what you have but what you want. Knowing that you can figure out how to make it happen.

Don't spend your early and middle adulthood stagnant. Take risks and make plans, and for sooner rather than later.

Watch out for wigs

Avoid Party Boys and Players. They'll sap you of your time, money and health.

Financial security is important - to a point. You may also die before 65 - so I don’t think spending your whole adulthood worrying about retirement is a good goal. One of many priorities. Enjoying where you are at is probably more valuable - because as much as we think we have control over things by moving, dropping people, saving, life will always surprise - sometimes good, sometimes bad. Study Buddhism, go to therapy, don’t let your history dictate your future. Realize you’re just passing through and make the most of it - whatever that means to you.

[quote] Fuck as much as humanely possible

What if I’m a Dom? Does it still need to be humane?

[quote] Quit smoking. The damage that you are doing to your body is irreversible.

While I agree with your sentiment, the damage is not actually irreversible. In fact, the sooner you quit the more time the body has to heal itself.

I'm not in the age range, but I rarely see this piece of advice and it's one I cherish: Have a sense of humor about yourself. You're already a walking target, might as well have fun with it all.

Great stuff on this thread. Thank you.

Love r39’s advice.

Don't get caught up with the gay "scene". Running with a pack makes you look like a teenage girl. Do your own thing. Wear what you want. Vacation where you want. Be whatever size you want. Fuck those queens. Most wouldn't be there in times of trouble anyway. Be curious. Not a stereotype.

[quote]yearly laser treatments (micro needling if you can’t afford laser.)

Or learn to love yourself as you are and use the money you'd waste trying to hold on to your youth on something of real value.

I’m 36 but here is what I do and have learned from others:

-stay fit. Nip any weight gain in the bud. Workout 3 days a week and stick to the day and time religiously. Nothing too strenuous.

-Don’t buy new cars. Find one you like and keep it until it doesn’t get you from A to B. Cars are the biggest waste of money.

-Rent

-In relationships, don’t think “forever” think “I’ll ride this as long as I can”. Don’t accept being unhappy and don’t fear being alone. Keep good friends of all ages.

-Live below your means. Have enough money saved where you can live without a job for at least 2 years.

-Listen to the elders. They know. They’ve been there.

-Travel travel travel

-Cut out toxic people.

-get away from social media. I did and have never regretted it.

R51, you're not much older than me but you are much wiser ❤

R50 a dermaroller is less than $20 and there isn’t anything wrong with using things that help your skin.

A $20 dermaroller is a completely different animal than the yearly triple-figure laser treatment R11 was advocating.

Plan on taking care of your parent(s)! Especially if you are single and gay and all your siblings have family. They’ll lean on you to do it.

I wish I knew at 20 what I know today- a woman at work is having a terrible time with her mother and someone caring for her mom snuck in and got Power of Attorney and siphoned out all her investments. It costs a lot more when you really need paperwork, wills, etc. immediately, it’s better to discuss with your parents and family early on what the plan is and take your time and do it right. Make sure everyone is on the same page and there’s no confusion and keep impeccable records of what is spent and do not mix your own money into taking care of them.

R55 again, sorry, I meant don’t mix your own finances with your parents- as hospitals, nursing homes and the state will see their bank statements, verifying income and expenditures- so you need to be able to offer them a clear picture.

R54 No, I am R11 and I said laser OR micro needling if you can’t afford laser. An at home non ablative laser is $500 if you can’t afford in office treatments. They just take longer because hime lasers are weaker, but you can get a few years of use out if one. A dermaroller for micro needling is cheap and I’ve had great success for years with it before I moved up to laser.

Save or invest all your money. Look at all advertising for consumer goods as nothing more than a scheme to separate you from your money.

R51,

I’m not 45 yet, I think this is bad advice: [quote]-Rent

-In relationships, don’t think “forever” think “I’ll ride this as long as I can”. Don’t accept being unhappy and don’t fear being alone. Keep good friends of all ages.

There is something special about owning your own home(s). It will give you a sense of pride, accomplishment and it’s nice to be free to change it to make it exactly how you like it. Besides, renting is just wasting money every month.

I also treat my relationships like they last forever (family, romantic and friendships). Why invest time, energy or emotion just to throw it away?

Don't rent. Buying a home is one of the principal way other than inheritance and long-term/retirement investments that most people can accumulate money outside of salary. A confluence of terrible timi g and bad property choices might mean that you are out some of the money you would have spent in rent (never to see again.)

A person who has his home paid off before he retires has options: staying out for the cost of maintenance and taxes, or selling and having the flexibility to rent or downsize late in life. Renting when your old can make sense, renting when your in years if active income means that amount of money lost each year *and* 0 potential for gain.

At age 70, I'm happy to say things in my life worked out pretty well and I have very few regrets. The regrets I do have are more about risks not taken. My advice: You will seldom look back and regret forcing yourself out of your comfort zone, either in your personal life or professionally. You don't need to do it often, just enough to give your self confidence a boost.

Second piece of advice: Sunscreen. The tan fades but the wrinkles last forever. Find a good sunscreen and a discrete bronzer. (Try Tom Ford's mixed with your daily moisturizer.)

R59 Owning a home means perpetually paying taxes, keeping up with maintenance and so forth. It never ends with a home. Plus, you have to find someone trustworthy to fix anything that goes wrong. If your rent is high, owning makes sense. Renting gives freedom and saves money by never paying property taxes or maintenance and you can move whenever you like without worrying about selling/is the market good/bad, and all that.

As for the relationship part, forever freaks people out. I don’t know why but it does. I know a guy who won’t date someone if he can’t see being with them forever. He’s missing out on a lot of fun.

Get fit, save money and don’t be a ho…

For pity's sake, young man, if you feel drawn to politics, do NOT go with the Republicans. They will stick a straw in the back of your neck and suck out your soul.

Stay away from trash like R6. They thrive on bringing others down to make themselves feel better.

"A stitch in time saves nine".

I'm not joking - this is a saying to live by.

[quote] Plan on taking care of your parent(s)!

I disagree with this. Not everybody's parents were decent parents. I would say, don't get roped into this (unless you want to). Don't let people develop expectations that you will take care of them for the rest of their lives. It's easier to make that clear *early* rather than right after someone gets a cancer diagnosis.

Don’t worry about other’s opinions of you - life is too short.

Don't settle down too soon. Work out sex rules and money rules with your partner before moving in together. Develop interests and hobbies outside of work. Save for retirement. Travel. Prepare for the unexpected and roll with the punches. Remember looks don't last so develop a personality. Don't spend all your time at the gym. Substances are seductive but can destroy you.

Focus on a hobby.

Tell people how you feel about them when you can. I mean that in the romantic sense (you don’t want any ‘if only I’d said something’ regrets/wondering to plague you later on) and in the non-romantic sense. Make sure your friends and family know you love them (if you do of course). It’s a cliche but you never know when they’ll be gone or if someone feels the same as you. To quote a Rod Stewart song: ‘ain’t it better to lose in love than to never love at all’.

Plastics

Learn to move on. I've wasted a lot of time seething about ex-boyfriends.

Basically what everyone saying is that I should take the trip to Greece even though I can't afford it. I have to make a decision soon.

R74: as long as you won’t be in eye watering debt after and hate your life post-trip, go to Greece.

You know that you are going to get older/old, you just don't realize how fast it is going to happen! Time really starts to fly after age 45. So enjoy each year!

Don’t travel on credit. I know that nobody wants to hear that, but that’s my advice.

Unless your parents are utterly toxic vampires, if you stand to inherit their estate, nurture that r'ship. You do not know what will be the state of the world or your circumstances in 5-10-20-30 years.

So glad I didn't listen to well-meaning friends who told me to cut ties completely.

Sorta conflicting advice. Is it "Have as much fun as possible while you can with guys" vs "don't be a ho and look for someone who will fuck you when you're old"? Also when should I start thinking of botox, laser, and eye lift? I wanna age well, but I don't want to have Daryl Hanna cat eyes. Also, should I prioritize moving to a big city? I've been eyeing Atlanta, Birmingham, and Nashville because they are large and close to my hometown. Just graduated college last month and I'm trying to figure things out.

Start with sunscreen and not smoking, R79; that will take you a long way. Botox only lasts 4 months, laser can't cause any harm, and eyelifts are seldom botched. Old-fashioned facelifts and fillers are what make people look like freaks. Hair dye is usually a bad idea.

[quote] eyelifts are seldom botched.

Really? Seems like often botched.

No matter how little your take home pay, regularly set a bit aside. For anal rejuvenation, later.

[quote]Unless your parents are utterly toxic vampires, if you stand to inherit their estate, nurture that r'ship. You do not know what will be the state of the world or your circumstances in 5-10-20-30 years. So glad I didn't listen to well-meaning friends who told me to cut ties completely.

Sometimes you don't have a choice and you have to forgo your inheritance or trust. Nobody wants to be estranged from their parents and lose all the money they stand to inherit. I am rolling the dice. If my parents care they will leave me the money and if they don't I was right all along. I'm not faking it for them. Live free, die free, free Britney!

Passing this one on, a lesson learnt from a dear eldergay:

“Be comfortable with yourself: Your quirks, your hobbies, your ideas. Always strive to improve, but know when to lean back and just be content with where and who you are.”

I’d like to add:

- Don’t try to impress anyone, don’t buy/do things to “keep up” with the Joneses.

- Choose your friends wisely, and realise that you didn’t choose your family — don’t get too sentimental about those blood ties. Cunts are cunts.

- Slow down when there’s no need for urgency. And there rarely is. Stroll instead of walk. Sit in the park and watch the birds, people, flowers.

It's not all about looks and dick size!!

-Be a little kinder. Hold the door open and let others pass. Give up your subway seat to anyone who looks like s/he’s having a rough day. Help someone cross the street. Add a few extra bucks to that tip. If you picked up a sweater off the shelf at the Gap or wherever, fold it back as nicely as you found it.

-Eat more fresh fruit and vegetables. Try new foods often. Experiment with recipes. Cut back on takeout and fast food.

-I wholeheartedly agree with everyone urging you to travel. Also, be a tourist where you live. There’s so much to see nearby but we often fail to take advantage of that. Museums, parks, historic sites, and more. Take local bus routes you’ve never been on just to get a fresh perspective.

-Make art. You don’t have to be an “artist” to enjoy creating. Paint, sketch, sculpt.

-Put down your damn phone. Look around you. Engage with the world. Listen to the sounds of the birds or the trucks or others’ conversations. Observe. See the architectural detail you’ve never noticed before.

-Be kinder to yourself. Don’t call yourself names. Don’t put yourself down. Cut yourself slack. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be perfect. It’s OK to fail and make mistakes. Just proof that you’re human. Take a nap in the middle of the day if you want. Light some candles in the bathroom and take a long hot bath.

I like you R86. 😍

The more you understand the things that are genuinely important to you, the easier it is not to be troubled by the things that are not. The same is true of understanding the things you can change, or not.

Worry —or worse, anger— about your neighbor, the one you see through your window, time and again, not wearing his Covid mask properly does neither him nor you any good. That frees up time for better pursuits and makes you a person more content with what you have and less ruled by what you do not (control over your neighbor's mask technique, for example.) If you understand that envy and jealousy and keeping constant score of everything as though it were a competition produce no benefits is a battle won and set aside, but one that many people go to their grave still playing, unhappily and without the smallest win for all the time in the game.

Come to terms with what you are with what you have, make the best of those qualities and pick some areas where you can improve: more patience, listening better, asking people more questions about themselves, whatever. The past is always with us in some sense but focus on the present and on the future, they are the only places where you have even the least element of control. Don't be tripped up thinking that you your best days are behind you, your looks faded, that it's too late now to do this or that thing, and to thinking that contemporary things and people are all shit. That's your laziness to be a part of your own life and your own time and it's not flattering, ever.

[quote]I know a guy who won’t date someone if he can’t see being with them forever. He’s missing out on a lot of fun.

I suspect you and he have different ideas of "fun."

[quote] Renting gives freedom and saves money by never paying property taxes

The stupid, it hurts.

[quote] Basically what everyone saying is that I should take the trip to Greece even though I can't afford it.

Figure out what a nice (but not elaborate or extravagant) trip would cost. Then, divide that amount by 24, and see if you can put that amount aside every month. If you can, then start saving - you can afford the trip. If you can't, then think about someplace less expensive, like Quebec or someplace in Mexico.

Does anyone have advice for when you feel stuck, everything is fine but not exciting or challenging anymore?

R92 seconded. For several years now I’ve been too scared and filled a paralysing mix of fear and nihilism and anhedonia to go after opportunities or try things I’m interested in. It’s like I know I need to be challenged intellectually and to experience ‘good stress’, but my mind is so traumatised (from years of bad stress and tough challenges which damaged me) that it prefers to trap me in a cocoon of safe frustrating boredom.

Everything seems hopeless and pointless and exhausting, but also too terrifying to contemplate changing. Even applying for another job or picking up my musical instrument or jotting down a line for a lyric frightens me enough to shut down and go into a numb bubble of watching sports, making mindless lists, and scrolling online.

Don’t dither, don’t dilly-dally. That opportunity, whether sex, relationship or professional, won’t come again

Thanks, R93. I just feel like some internal driver I used to have has shut down. I’m still ambitious, but I no longer believe working hard and being smart gets you rewards, and it feels defeating. I ended up in a part of the country where I don’t want to live anymore, but my partner has a career here so it’s not as easy to pick up and move. My work is fine, but feels stagnant at this point.

R95, why not just relax for a while? I realize you still have to work, but maybe be grateful that you don't have to expend that much energy (mental, physical) on work anymore. Are you the weight / physical shape you want to be right now? If not, why not work on that.

Aging isn't a curse, it's a privilege.

There's much to that, R97, and to disregarding all the advice about cosmetic surgery, emollients, moisturizers, face-sharpeners... It just makes you look like that guy that makes everyone do a little gasp, not in admiration but in thinking "that man's face looks like an old guy's angry ballsac, pulled taut and smeared in Vaseline skin."

Setting too many milestones, deal breaker thresholds, and expiry dates is a recipe for unhappiness.

R92, I have three suggestions

1) Take time off, or even quit if you can make ends meet. Stillness and being out of "the grind" gives you clarity, time to actually think.

2) As your partner is keeping you there: Consider living apart, get together on the weekends. Explore a new part of your country.

3) If the job's a rut and you're just not feeling it anymore: Change jobs or consider jumping into an adjacent/related industry.

Moisturize.

Don't immediately allow new people into your life. Choose friends wisely. Sit back and observe their behavior and always follow your instinct. When people show you who they really are, believe it.

I find every piece of advice that focuses on making yourself pretty in old age kinda sad. Really? Seriously, you are worried that other people think you are pretty at 75? I would hope to be content with myself however I look and not be trying to impress people when I get old. I’ve found the greatest joy at middle age in letting go of concern for being a hot young thing - life is about so much more.

Plant your own garden. And I don't mean literally.

Thanks, R96 and R99. I appreciate the advice.

Tick tock people! Life is not a dress rehearsal. If you're unhappy, unfulfilled, unchallenged, unwhatever, you personally have to do something about it. Your circumstances are unlikely to improve somewhere down the line simply by chance. You need to initiate some type of action. If you feel like you're in a rut at 30 and do nothing about it - guess what - suddenly you're 40 (or 50 or 60) and you're still in the same rut.

Love yourself and your own life, first and last....because another person in your life, regardless of how much they might love you and mean to be there for you, someday may not be and you'll need to carry on encouraging, validating, and living for yourself. Don't seek out happiness from without, be it from inside.

Date don’t just have anonymous sex. And don’t take too many drugs or alcohol.

As your circumstances and finances allow, don't put off doing something you really want to do until "later." Later isn't guaranteed. Once you get past 45, you'll feel as though, when it comes to the passage of time, someone has stepped on the gas pedal. Decades will go by much faster than you ever imagined they would. You, too, will be an eldergay before you realize it, and you'll wonder how the hell you got there.

Year three (or thereabouts) of a relationship is the time to either make it legal or end it and move on.

Don't worry so much. Seriously. I have worried more than I should have through my life. Not point and it does not good. If you can keep training your brain to not worry about things you can't change, you will be immensely happier in life. Live wherever it feels good. Cities may seem exciting but don't dismiss the richness of life in smaller cities or towns. Make time for old friends. Don't hold grudges. Don't expect to be the center of anyone else's life. Don't text or call when you're drunk. Walk around the block and breathe before you burn shit down with your words. Call your Mom more.

All your fears, sorrows and regrets will be futile in hindsight.

There is a price to pay if you want to be part of a certain type of world. It's up to you to decide if you can afford it.

Never get old.

Rule 1- Stay away from meth. Rule 2- If you already do meth recreationally, try not doing it for 30 days. If you can’t, revisit Rule 1 because you are an addict and seek help now before it’s too late.

I lived 15 years as a meth addict, and 10 years sober- this drug drives you in on a shiny Cadillac and out on a dump truck.

in recovery you learn from other’s harrowing examples or you become the example.

Get the money up front.

Don't let your gay identity become your whole life. Develop hobbies, interests and friendships that involve you with the wider community.

But if you want a partner, look for him in in gay groups that match your interests. And if that is your goal, know that you have a relatively short window where you have the most opportunities to find one.

You know that voice in your head that never goes away? Get used to it. It never goes away.

Don’t try to be anyone else…..just be yourself ….the rest will follow.

Many wise statements above. This 60yo guy would offer the following:

Avoid smoking and drugs; like life as sober as you can be. Of course an occasional pint, cocktail or joint can make life more enjoyable, but let that be the 'frosting' on the cake of life. Moderation is key if you imbibe; its been over a decade since I was hungover (and I now work in hospitality so am around alcohol all of the time). Moderation (and avoiding smoking/drugs) also helps you look younger (or at least not too much older).

Find what makes you laugh, and keep laughing as often as you can. I grew up in the era of Laugh-In and Monty Python. Thanks to YouTube, I still go back to segments with Lily Tomlin, Jonathan Winters, Robin Williams, John Cleese, Peter Cook, George Carlin, Chris Rock and Wanda Sykes when am feeling a bit down.

Learn to like yourself as well as being by yourself. You are going to spend a lifetime with yourself, so be comfortable being alone. I love vacationing with my husband, but am also equally comfortable travelling by myself. We still will go to different movies when at the cinema (I am more drawn to foreign/art films, he likes his superpowers blockbusters. We meet for a bite to eat or pint afterwards.

As Voltaire wrote centuries ago, "il faut cultiver notre jardin." Continue to grow and explore new things throughout your life. I started learning Dutch with Babbel during lockdown so that I can travel through Belgium and Holland more comfortably in the future. I am now enrolled in a class at the local community college class on small engine repair so that I can fix stuff on my lawnmower. Past courses/whims have included Thai cooking and conversational Chinese. Just keep moving forward.

Avoid all debts other than mortgage or a car. Pay off all of your credit card bills every month, and sock some away for retirement/emergency. When I started my first fulltime job after college as a receptionist, I put 3% of my salary in a 401K. Thanks to compounding interest (and a match from employers and good markets), I'll have over $1m when I retire in a few years.

Go ahead and be a slut after you come out, but stay as safe as possible. When you realize that wanton sex does not make you happy, move on to things that DO make you happy. I realized that cuddling made me warmer inside than quickies. I don't regret those quickies I had in my 20s, but grew tired of them.

Did any of you find love after 45? And if so - any advice on that front? Good or bad?

Thank you for all these words of wisdom. I’m taking them to heart. Xo

Always use a condom.

Eat prunes everyday…….taking a good dump every morning works wonders on your attitude…..and as a Gay man….maintaining a nice clean ass is essential…….

Don’t go around in worn out shoes. Your knees will thank you later.

Never leave home without prelubing.

Don’t worry yourself over things you have no control over…..things will work out…..because it always does one way or another

So many people emphasizing cutting people off. I think the opposite - I wish I had maintained more contacts. There were very few who were evil and totally unredeemable. But for the most part, I wish I had worked harder at friendships and maintaining and nurturing social connections. It’s work but it really is one of the richest things life has to offer. It’s so easy to just cut people off or not do the work and get comfortable in a relationship. But a wide network of friends is more valuable than a husband IMO.

[quote]Did any of you find love after 45?

Right after. I found lasting love at 46.

[quote]Did any of you find love after 45?

At 55.

[quote] Did any of you find love after 45?

I found love in a bottle of Colt 45.

Age gracefully.

If I were to give one piece of advice, it would be to stay very tidy down there. You never know when you might meet someone important, say a prince, and you will be glad you did.

Quit wasting your youth on booze and drugs.

Join a union.

Invest 10% of every paycheck in a retirement account starting right now!

Do not seroconvert.

Stop thinking a romantic relationship will fix you. Fix yourself.

R132 I’ll agree do not seroconvert, (though this terminology and thinking seems antiquated now), even though HIV is treatable, we should respect those that are HIV positive, people that are being treated can’t pass it to you-IN THIS MODERN DAY AND AGE- with an ounce of prevention, a little restraint and some patience with those you’re having sex with-

there’s absolutely no reason to get HIV.

Find someone who cares about you and reciprocate. “Two feet are ever cold, four feet are never cold” like the song says. You can get a lot more done when someone’s helping you do it. Together with the right person you can see more, learn more, do more, and build more than you could ever accomplish alone.

Good shoes, dental hygiene, sunscreen, and exercise are all important. Saving money now is crucial and isn’t easy for almost anyone but it’s vital. But nothing will make you a richer person or give greater satisfaction than knowing you love and are loved. Not easy - sometimes impossible - but worth the effort.

Believe in karma. Flee from negative Nellies. Listen to music every day. Learn to cook. Get a bidet. Floss.

[quote] stay very tidy down there.

Down where? Florida?

Oh, you don’t have to worry about that. Marguerite keeps the house nice and clean.

I disagree with the belief that “four feet are better than two”. That screams external neediness. Everyone should be happy by themselves. The dated myth we carry about meeting Prince Charming and living happily ever after needs to die. You will waste your life looking for someone to complete you - it doesn’t exist. You need to be compete in yourself. I only found happiness when I realized I didn’t need anyone else. I was so brainwashed by society that getting married/LTR was the definition of happiness that I was making myself miserable. For many of us - I’d argue most - happiness is within.

R137 - I struggle a lot with that because of the pressure from everyone and everything to couple off. The reality seems to be that unless you are one of the (rare) lucky ones who find someone they are truly compatible with - it seems like life is happier being single and having a strong social circle of friends and family. At least it seems that way to me. I would love to find someone but I’m also content on my own.

The only fear is needing someone as you age and your health declines. But there are so many assumptions built into that whole “dying alone” stuff - that your partner won’t die first, that your partner will want to care for you, etc. But that does terrify me.

Really I’d just settle for a loyal little group of friends.

Which is odd given I’ve never been envious or jealous of couples, and being somewhat of an asexual eccentric loner always wondered what all the fuss about dating and LTRs was for. Even now, I imagine myself dating or coupled up, and can only dwell on the stress and inconvenience and negative uncertainty it would bring to my life.

As I get older, though, I find myself more and more envying those people who are part of close-knit and passionate subcultures or teams—not ‘teams’ in the sense of workplace or volunteer/hobbyist groups, but people fiercely bound together by something culturally-powerful. Say, old war buddies, or people who were in a successful band, or people who played on the same pro sports team. Almost as if I’d love to feel like I mattered a bit, in conjunction with others who matter a bit, as part of a greater ‘something’ that also matters a bit.

It’s been so hard finding anywhere in which I can fit in that way, though. Since I was a kid, every group I approach or try to join have rejected me for some reason or other. I feel some days like I wasn’t born to be human or normal or socially-adjusted. Even trying to hang out with Aspergic people or ‘special interest’ people stranger than me didn’t take. Perhaps it’s my fault, lacking in natural social energy (which I have since toddlerhood), and interested in everything a little rather than only a few things strongly.

Ultimately, I’d just like to identity with a group of people and bond with them over something beyond the weak conventional constraints of corporate/9-5 culture or nuclear-family culture, and have something with others that I can be ride-or-die about. Sadly, these days even the gay/lesbian community has become coopted by those looking to exploit for money and clout and IG likes.

The idea of trying to find a husband so someone can look after you in old age is just wrong. There is a greater likelihood of separation or him dying first than of you getting necessary assistance in old age. Save for a caretaker. The worry about old age ruins too many lives in their prime.

My main lesson - don’t waste your prime, active years worrying about old age. Too much of society is geared towards making you worry that you will be broke, alone and eating Spam on the street in old age. It rarely happens. But what happens way too much is people wasting their life worrying, scrimping and planning for the “golden age” of retirement - then dying before they get there or being too infirm, or uninterested, to want to do much but watch nature, tend a garden and read a good book. Save and be prudent about your finances and your health - but live now the life you want. Don’t put it off for retirement.

[quote] There is a greater likelihood of separation or him dying first

What are you trying to say?

Relationship advice...

Never use the abandonment threat. " I will leave you if you ____." Limits can be set and boundaries established but threatening to leave is a mistake. You cannot thrive with this threat hanging over your heads. We got that advice from a very wise therapist. It has helped us through tough times. No matter how upset we get with each other, our goal is to find common ground. Love is the common ground.

Always! Always! Put the relationship first! Put it ahead of career, where you live, friends, and yes, family. The relationship must take priority. This can be difficult, but it is the key to success. Don't bother to commit unless you intend to stick it out through "better or WORSE". Anything worth attaining requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice. People don't want to hear that, but the payback is well worth the sacrifice required.

Stop telling them what to do! This is really hard. But, it is very important. "You should do this, or You should do that." "Are you wearing that?" We do it all the time. Try to be aware of how often you do this and stop. It really makes a difference. We have given each other permission to say "Stop telling me what to do."

Don't air your dirty laundry in social situations. Let your husband/wife know that you have their back at all times. No matter how big an ass they make of themselves. You can handle it privately. Present a united front when interacting with the world. Never criticize them publicly.

Be tolerant. Do you know all those little things that they do that drive you nuts? Forget about it! We all have annoying habits. Do not criticize. You will become their mother. Give your opinion when asked.

Get a dog.

Don’t get too worked up about the small stuff Avoid overly fussy people - they are exhausting

R137 Funny, that: the people for whom a lasting relationship doesn’t work don’t think it will while those who do might very well disagree. You do need to find your own happiness. I have to disagree that can’t be done. My own anecdotal evidence that it works, and continues to work, is just as valid as that of people for whom their experience argues otherwise.

“In every marriage, sometimes you have to be a little deaf” RBG

Realize you can usually tell pretty readily if someone is a kind-hearted person or overly self-interested etc. Choice your friends wisely

I reject this notion, eldergays, that we must find a man to complete us and watch over us. A lot of people, straight and gay, are in terrible relationships so that they won't "die alone" or "have someone to take care of them". Not everything is in our control and it's not easy to find a good guy. Not impossible, but not easy. Also, dating culture has changed since many of you were in the field. I'm not 45+, but I think it's better to make your life as full as possible as a single and then if someone great comes along, it's the cherry on top but not the entire sundae. Being pressured into shitty relationships is for straight people! I've seen more dysfunctional relationships than not and I am a romantic!

Keep a balance in your life between just having fun and building a career.

Save as much money as you can early on. Develop good financial habits early on. It's really pays off later. Having financial security as you get older cannot be overrated.

Don't do anything or associate with anyone who you wouldn't want the world to know about.

Respect yourself. You may not be perfect but you're all you got. Make the best of it.

R139 your post makes me wish DL had a direct message function. Your post could have been written by me!

[quote] -get away from social media. I did and have never regretted it.

And yet, here you are ON social media!

R147 yes; though, while I wouldn’t disagree with you that most people have instincts they can and should trust, caveat that you may have also have social impairments or blind spots of which you aren’t aware that can throw off all normal socially-critical abilities.

That has certainly been my case—I was raised believing that I was “just a bit different” and that I’d grow out of my social difficulties, when in fact I had a developmental problem (Asperger’s) for which I really needed specialised coaching and guidance. Perhaps I could have navigated bullying, friendship-building, awakening sexuality, and handling confrontation at school/work/home better if I knew what was going on with me wasn’t actually a ‘difficult personality’. Over the years I have been taken by all manner of losers, creeps and abusive people, because my Aspergic young mind couldn’t process the complexities of human nature and social coding.

If you find that you’ve been having social or relationships setbacks that never really go or away or alter or have the slightest flicker of improvement, you’re either an unlikeable asshole stuck in the cement and unwilling to get along with society, a hopelessly naive moron who cannot learn from mistakes or react properly to what others say & do, or like me you have a weird little inherent brain/gut defect that gets in your way. Get it checked out if you aren’t sure, it’s worth it.

Some of this advice is just bizarrely pathetic--it's like it's aimed at aging rent boys.

Those of who think prioritizing your looks is the number one priority in your lives must be as unhappy with yourselves as Madonna as you age.

[quote] Always! Put the relationship first! Put it ahead of career, where you live, friends, and yes, family. The relationship must take priority. This can be difficult, but it is the key to success. Don't bother to commit unless you intend to stick it out through "better or WORSE". Anything worth attaining requires a certain amount of self-sacrifice. People don't want to hear that, but the payback is well worth the sacrifice required.

This is horrible advice, and please do not take it.

If it turns out your relationship is abusive, unfair, or even just unequal, you will have nowhere to turn when it comes to getting out. Always have a social safety net and a contingency plan—doesn’t have to be blood relatives, just somewhere else you can go, something else you can do, and someone else you can be with if anything goes wrong.

For personal safety, well-being and fulfilment, you need to be able to support yourself and have a life foremost, beyond any relationship you’re in.

[quote] Always! Always! Put the relationship first! Put it ahead of career, where you live, friends, and yes, family. The relationship must take priority. This can be difficult, but it is the key to success.

Thanks for the advice, Pat Nixon, but many of us are just not as interested in staying with a hubby as you are.

Just because marriage was the number 1 priority in your life does not mean it is everyone else's

Always choose the smaller of the two dildos.

[quote]Good advice, you may think he'll love you forever, but forever is a long time. Best you have your own career, money and friends

Is this from some 1950s housewife handbook?

R144 - Very sage advice. I have committed all of the offenses you have said not to many times, many, many times and why I am probably not husband material. I can't help it.

R139 - I feel you. I never really fit in with anyone and still don't. Maybe I am just more of a loner or have an off putting personality, which I accept. I would love to be part of a team in any context. It never seems to work out for me, even when I try and it's what I want. Maybe I'm just not a team player, even if I think I am. If something becomes a pattern I know it's me and not the others. Anyway, I hope you find what you are looking for. You seem like a sincere person.

R158 thanks! Such kind words.

It is a strange feeling, isn’t it? I wish that I knew exactly what it was that creates people like us—-loners who prefer to be alone and can only function alone, but still long for a deep intensity of inclusion. There must be a psychological component, but as yet in all my investigations I haven’t come across a satisfying definition...of any idea of what to do about it.

R150/Dutchie the biggest cruelest irony is that people like us tend to pass by people like us! So we can’t congregate or know one another. Maybe that’s society’s way of protecting itself? It’s a bizarre phenomenon. Still, it’s a happy relief to know that there are others out there who share my experience—perhaps that’s truly enough, at the end of the day.

Maybe childhood, R159? If you were an outsider or made to feel like one as a kid, that can often stay with you into adulthood. I think you can try to push past it, but often it doesn't feel authentic and maybe that inauthenticity shows itself to other people. I don't know. Fuck trying to fit in!

R155...Talk to me when you are old and alone. The years pass quickly. Then it is too late.

he sex life you knew ends in your 40's. You can stay fit and do what you like but it will change. If you are with a partner in his 40's maybe he loses interest first then you are left to decide if you want to find sex elsewhere or say bye-bye to it. This is from my own experience. I'm in my late 50's now and after mid 40's it's downhill. So basically enjoy yourself before you turn 40.

[quote] Always! Always! Put the relationship first! Put it ahead of career, where you live, friends, and yes, family. The relationship must take priority.

What? You have no control over the death of a partner, whether your partner will leave you in the dust. And then your job resume and your relationships w/family & friends is in a shambles. All due to putting your relationship FIRST!

How odd to think that putting your relationship with your partner first has to mean neglecting everything else in your life.

Preach, R163. I love the advice, but it does reflect the values of another era, as it should based on the thread. You are right, that is a dangerous game. Even married straight women are having a hard time pulling this off. Hell, my boomer mom followed this to the letter and got left for a younger model in her 60's.

R163...I didn't say to abandon family, I said put the relationship first. I always put the relationship first and we have a wonderful relationship with my family. Not mutually exclusive.

R166, understood. I realize that your life outside of your partner doesn't have to go to seed. I do think that it's a huge mistake to make big career sacrifices, though. In the end, you need to have some money of your own. You don't want to be "barefoot in the kitchen" when something bad happens.

This thread should be called "Betty Draper's Advice Corner for Girls."

If you want a career then you should pursue that goal. If a relationship is what you want by all means proceed. Sometimes you have to choose. Many couples manage to do both quite successfully. It requires lots of work and patience.

Don't adopt children. They are expensive to maintain and their little hands can't polish the silver correctly.

Don't let your drinking get out of control. There's a real strain of celebrating alcoholism in gay culture (fuck, in American culture). Also, gay boys can get wrapped up in the masculine performance of getting loaded just like straight boys can.

Be smarter than that.

Work hard, but remember: you and all your years of toil will be forgotten by your colleagues the day after your retirement.

Speaking of retirement, your job is not going to give you a pension, so you need to fund your own retirement.

Make regular automatic contributions to a retirement plan. The bulk of those funds should go to a Target Date Retirement Fund. They hold up remarkably well over the ups and downs of the decades.

Don't take money out of that fund.. Start an OnlyFans account before taking money out pre-retirement.

r170, and also don't give birth to children.

It gets worse.

R140 I really love that advice. Thank you.

R139 - I know what you mean. I do think some of us just aren’t “group people.” And to be fair - you do fit into the community of DLers.

I love what R140 said. I'm so tired of always having to think about money. Will I make enough, will my parents leave me money, will I be totally broke? I just want to live a good, contented life day to day. I have enough to live well now. That's what I need to focus on. I like my life and I don't want to stress out about the future. I feel relived reading this. Thank you, R176. I missed this post originally.

Adopt a child after 50 to give you the veneer of respectability while you troll for dick.

The person insisting that you "always put the relationship first" has a screw or 30 loose. Maybe they are in their dream relationship already. That is obviously not the case for everyone, though. It's not even the [italic]goa[/italic]l for everyone. Someone who thinks this way is, at best, stunted.

There is only one person that you put first, and that is always yourself. This is one of the few pieces of advice that is universal in every situation.

How old are the posters imagining a choice between a partner and a career? Really curious about that framing. Most people I know want both, maybe the career more than a love life, but no one I know sees it as an either/or choice. I don't know anyone who thinks they just need a relationship to be satisfied. Then again, my friends aren't dreaming about marrying millionaires, either. Maybe this mindset is more for the types looking to "kept?"

Still, a very odd way of thinking to my experience.

A lot of this thread really does sound like advice meant for Betty Draper or finishing school debutantes.

Don’t try to appease your redneck heterosexual friends to ‘like’ you by pretending to be just like them…and denying your homosexuality……come out.. . move if you have to….but find new friends who like you for who you really are….not the person you pretend to be.

Live someplace other than your home city in your 20s and 30s. You can go home in your 40s or after. Do t give up your life to care for an elderly parent - many gay men are easily guilted into it trying to be a good son. It’s thankless and I’ve seen too many lives, careers and relationships destroyed out of guilt.

Metamucil daily.

Get all the free sex you can before you’re 45. I did. Any sex I have now at 56 I have to pay for.

Romantic love is fleeting. The love of family will last a lifetime.

[quote]Romantic love is fleeting. The love of family will last a lifetime.

You don't know my family.

As this thread proves, remember there is no "one size fits all" for how to live your life.

Some people prize money; some people prize a happy love life and/or family; some people prize peace of mind and leisure; some people prize a fulfilling career.

Find out what YOU want for yourself and go after that. And don't condemn other people for not wanting what you want, or wanting what yoiu don't--it will only make you miserable.

"Comparison is the thief of joy." -- Teddy Roosevelt

At the end of the day, always greet your husband at the door in full makeup, with a fresh dress and your hair set, chilled martini in hand. My husband loves the Glenn Miller Band, so Ibn sure to have that playing on the hifi before he walks in the door. Be ready for sex at any time because you purpose in life is to give him pleasure any time he wants it. Only discuss pleasant things with him, like the weather, or that black family getting evicted down the block. Never discuss unpleasant things like politics or current events. Oh, and diet religiously if you want to keep him from straying!

If you can’t tone it, tan it!

There's nothing like baked lard!

If apartments/houses are available where you are willing to live for three times your salary, buy. That shit changes fast.

Be healthy.

Keep up with old friends and hobbies.

Buy fewer things every year.

When it comes to what look like obligations, if you don't want to, don't.

Don't neglect your teeth.

Support the arts. Don't have extra money? Support with your attention.

Read read read. Nobody likes a dummy.

You can check out any time you like. But, you can never leave.

Never look for perfect equality in this world. Just look for happiness and satisfaction.

Why say "yes" when you want to say "no"?

Classic good looks and style never go out of fashion. Less is more.

Don't defile yourself with tattoos and body art unless you really love it. It looks terrible on most men over 50 and that's assuming they stay in A+ shape until that point. It makes you common.

They say opposites attract, but the more in common you have someone, the better.

Something that my Mother once told me, but it didn't make sense until I hit 40. "The only one you're fooling, is yourself. "

R197 your mother was a genius.

[quote] Something that my Mother once told me, but it didn't make sense until I hit 40. "The only one you're fooling, is yourself. "

This is a nice sentiment and your mom is correct, although this is not a unique sentiment. This is such a mom thing to say and I feel like everyone's mom has said this once.

Never cheap out on things that separate you from the ground: shoes, mattresses and tires.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Only the goyim pay retail

[quote] Only the goyim pay retail.

Tell that to Debbie Reynolds!!!!!!

Put more into material things. When a is said and done, you want to have a nice house of your own even if you are on your own. I'm in my 50s and I meet far too many men my age who own nothing.

That's fine if you're into material things, R204. Not everyone is.

At the age of 45, have only one thing in your sights: RETIREMENT. Planning, investigating, dreaming....I had a great job, and the minute I walked out the door, I realized I had been SELLING MY LIFE. If you have a job you adore, then fine; work till you drop. But otherwise....retire, the earlier the better. You will never regret it.

I finally got married one week before I turned 60. So don't give up.

[quote] How old are the posters imagining a choice between a partner and a career? Really curious about that framing. Most people I know want both, maybe the career more than a love life, but no one I know sees it as an either/or choice.

My take: In any relationship, there are compromises. Not talking about black and white: career and no partner, or partner and no career. Saying that people still do stuff like relocate (as a couple) b/c one person "needs" or wants to relocate. The other partner relocates and his or her career suffers. (Not everybody can work remotely.) There are more examples of relationship compromises that affect one's career.

[quote]At the age of 45, have only one thing in your sights: RETIREMENT. Planning, investigating, dreaming....I had a great job, and the minute I walked out the door, I realized I had been SELLING MY LIFE.

I would say to start saving as soon as possible, even if it's only $25 a paycheck. Then put 1/2 of every raise toward retirement. Have the money taken out automatically so you don't have to think about it, then carry on with your life. I spent the last 20 years of my career focused on retirement and I think I made myself a bit miserable because of it.

That being said, retirement is even better than I thought.

My only regret about retirement is that I didn't do it sooner. I waited much too long, not because I didn't have enough money to retire, but because I thought I'd be bored if I didn't have a job to go to every day. I was an idiot. Don't make my mistake.

R207 such few words but this comment got me a little emotional. what can i say? i'm a romantic at heart

*takes notes*

Always order the club sandwich

Wear sunscreen.

R126 I agree....being in my 40's I have no idea what happened to all my friends I had in my 20's...I moved around and lost contact....There was no texting or internet in the 90's

First piece of advice - Start saving for retirement as early as you can. At 35, I got a job with a company that offered a 401k which came with a company match. I had zero money saved at that point - and until then no interest in thinking about retirement since I never had a job that offered a 401k - so I set my pre-tax contribution to 20%. It was painful but basically I left at 20% for 29 years. I just retired and will (hopefully) be able to "age in place" and (hopefully) self-fund any required longterm care if required down the road.

Second piece of advice - Take care of your teeth.

Third - sunscreen and daily moisturizer.

Final piece of advice - It really is the journey, not the destination, that's important.

[quote] Second piece of advice - Take care of your teeth.

This is so true. I'm not 45 yet, but teeth are so expensive and they require a lot of upkeep. I get my teeth cleaned every 3 months. It's cheaper than letting them go for a year. Bad teeth can inflame your body and cause heart disease.

[quote]Put more into material things.

In a thread full of stupid and outdated advice, this takes the prize.

Stop being the one to initiate texts, emails, phone calls and being the planner/organizer of everything and you will quickly learn who your real friends are.

[quote] Stop being the one to initiate texts, emails, phone calls and being the planner/organizer of everything and you will quickly learn who your real friends are.

This. Especially in 2020. I really learned, but honestly I just don't care anymore. Life is too short. I used to want excitement and the drama of it all, but beige contentment is totally fine now. If you can survive quarantine in a global pandemic by yourself with social unrest all around and you kept your shit together for over a year, you'll be fine to weather (or is it whether?) whatever comes your way. I think that goes for anyone single and feeling alone.

Thanks to everyone who's given some wonderful advice here. It's been a ver helpful thread!

I'm wondering if anyone can offer some wisdom on getting over guilt and regret, particularly in the wake of a breakup. I'm in pretty dire straits after being dumped (deservedly, I'd say) by my boyfriend of 4 years. I keep beating myself up over mistakes I made, conversations we never had that might have fixed things and the wrong paths taken that led to things ending.

We broke up six months ago. And I was doing better. But then I saw he's already in a new, serious relationship, which sent me spiralling down again into self-pity and regret. (And also sending some extremely regrettable drunk texts and emails.)

I'm trying my best to dig myself out of this, again. But would love to hear from someone else who's been through it.

R221: you sound like you’re at least on the right track by being aware of the mistakes you made. A lot of people lack any self awareness when it comes to accepting their part in a break up.

If he isn’t interested in reconciling (which it sounds like he isn’t, new boyfriend or not), the best thing to do is learn from the mistakes you made, the conversations you didn’t have that you think might have helped, and try not to repeat that in future relationships. Also give some thought to whether you actually do want him back or if it’s just the guilt, initial loneliness, change of situation, etc, making you feel like that.

I’ve gone through a similar situation recently, though I initiated the break up and it was a longer relationship. I’ve found googling ‘regret post relationship’ or ‘regret after break up’ or similar brings up some good psychology-related articles about it. I always feel better and less doubtful about the break up after.

If you’re not already talking to a therapist I’d recommend that too if you can afford it. I’d never done it before but it has helped immeasurably.

Try to do some new things too like joining a new sports group or taking up a new hobby. Talk to friends but don’t go over and over the same stuff with them. When you’re feeling sad and anxious, try to own it too and know that it will pass. When you’re down remember you’ll be up again but also vice versa. It’s easy to think you’re totally out of the woods when you have a good day but it will be a gradual process of moving on and becoming happier over time.

R221: PS agree on the advice given here, I’ve loved reading all of it. Thanks DLers.

Thanks, R222. This was very therapeutic to read and I'll be referring to it often.

I'm definitely aware of my mistakes and the problems I caused. Maybe too aware. I'm hoping to get to a place where I can look back fondly on the relationship rather than replaying all the shitty moments and kicking myself in the ass. I'm trying to find a good therapist to help get me there, but so far have been frustrated with that. I'll keep on looking.

If there were ever a chance of us getting back together, I've definitely torpedoed them with some of my behavior the past few weeks. Long story short, we stayed in touch after the breakup and have now cut off all communication except for organizing "custody" of the dog we shared.

Like you said, I can only take this hideous experiences, learn from it and not repeat those mistakes in future relationships, though at the moment I can't imagine having one! I'll also think about whether I really am missing him and our relationship or hoping to undo the damage that led to its end and also find a quick fix to my current loneliness.

Thanks again!

Die young; stay pretty.

Too much meaningless sex after a breakup can make you feel even worse.

[quote]Too much meaningless sex after a breakup can make you feel even worse.

Yes, but only eventually.

[quote]Too much meaningless sex after a breakup can make you feel even worse.

Or leave you wanting more!

Sometimes the advice on Data Lounge sounds like a father's pep talk before the Purity Ball.

I would tell them not to worry about aging. When you hit your 50s, it's a relief to get off the sex carousel. I used to spend all my spare time trying to get laid, now I spend it hanging out with friends and listening to opera.

Be kinder to yourself. Don't beat yourself up over smalll things.

Don’t just go after the same type of guy. Men of all ethnicities can be so sexy

[quote] I'm wondering if anyone can offer some wisdom on getting over guilt and regret, particularly in the wake of a breakup. I'm in pretty dire straits after being dumped (deservedly, I'd say) by my boyfriend of 4 years. I keep beating myself up over mistakes I made, conversations we never had that might have fixed things and the wrong paths taken that led to things ending.

R221, I would say, change your behavior so that you don't ever repeat what you said / did to hurt your ex-BF. This might involve therapy. If you don't address this, you may repeat the pattern with future partners and end up in regret, again.

If you've already apologized to your ex-BF, leave him alone. The apology is for him. People (not you, necessarily) try to clear their consciences with a blanket apology. It can be insulting to the recipient.

Anyway, good luck. I hope you can make some changes.

Going to update my response to include what many have said here: Travel/adventure/explore/take risks/get outside of your comfort zone/open your mind. I did advise you to save as much as you can for retirement (even small but regular contributions grow and accumulate if done wisely) but do not let that impinge on enjoying life in the present.

Am approaching retirement now with 33 countries under my belt. I do not regret the money and time spent, but I do regret staying in a long-term, toxic relationship that added frustration to my travel (and other) experiences. Learning at least a few phrases in the local language went a long way. Kindness is often returned in unexpected ways.

Battles with cancer and age have limited my travel capabilities, but I will always have great memories of randomly crossing a river on top of an elephant in Thailand with a crazy old woman who turned out to be an Auschwitz survivor, both of us communicating in bad French and getting drunk together at breakfast the next day. While sick, I always knew that I had a privileged life and was not afraid of death. So, I'll add gratitude to your to-do list, OP!

I stayed with my partner out of fear of growing old and being alone and unattractive. I ended up being old (which some here equate with ugliness) and alone, anyway. A new life began when we split when I was age 50. And ten years later, I met another fat, eldergay with health issues. The sex is great, if not acrobatic. Our honeymoon will be on a reef in Fiji, and then it's re-runs of RuPaul's drag race while wearing MuMu's and Caftans.

I'm sure elephants weren't the only thing you rode in Thailand, R233.

R233 You've had a fantastic life. Well done, Sir. Thank you for your advice.

Your straight female friends will probably desert you once they are engaged or married.

I never would've believed that several of mine would do that to me. I thought we'd be friends forever since I met then from kindergarten or before as neighbor kids out playing.

When one of them had marital problems (after having 5 kids together) & hubby's eye wandered, she tried to catch up on social media with me but I already knew something was up for her to reach out to me after ignoring all of these years. I tried to friend her on various social platforms at one point but never heard back from her on any even though she was active on all of them. She wished me a happy birthday out of the blue last year but I never responded to her. I'm off of her emotional rollercoaster. I think her hubby (who I only met once & was 2 years younger than us) was jealous that she used to have a crush on me growing up & told her that I was out of the picture after they married.

The other one (morbidly obese to this very day) I had introduced to her future hubby as they were both kids upon meeting ( he was my disabled neighbor) a couple years younger than us. She couldn't stand him after meeting him several times & never wanted to go over to his house again LOL! When they got engaged almost 20 years later (her previous romance was also disabled, a friend of my neighbor & who had died a couple years later). I never even got an invitation to their wedding after I was the one who first brought them together. I still see her to this very day as his parents still own their house & I help my parents with their yard work. She never waves or comes over to say "hi" but she is always out there first when we arrive.

Often their hubbies or boyfriends will make them drop you for insecurity or that you'll be a bad influence on their kids. I've never even met any of the 7 kids my 2 above "friends" had. Girlfriend #1 is social media friends with my sibling & hubby neighbor #2 is also as well (she doesn't like either of them much & keeps them on for "business reasons" LOL!). If they only knew but screw them.

No one comes out alive, we will all die! When you hit 50, suddenly friends and family start dying. It’s disconcerting, wildly unpredictable, and really awakens awareness of one’s mortality- and that we only have so many months or years ahead. Don’t hold grudges, find a way to make peace with the past. If you are lucky, as you get older there aren’t antagonistic personalities around you if you learned how to promptly circumvent or short-circuit them. Some call it “lovingly depart”.

I say about re-engaging in ex’s back into your life- “Let sleeping dongs sleep” and especially, “Don’t put your penis where it don’t belong”. See your part in what you are perpetuating in a toxic relationship- because that’s the only way to move beyond it. You will be revealed all sorts of things if you either delay, wait out the momentary horniness and don’t engage. Caving to those few inches of flesh, or moments of passion- can cost far more than just your dignity.

Life is meant to be well worn out, is imperfect and yes, flawed- there is no perfection or final script, embrace it. We just did over the kitchen and bathroom and my husband is focused on all the minor flaws and I told him to ease up and just let it unfold.

Live as luxuriously as you can, but understand luxury isn’t just the price tag, but to be able to afford all the taxes, insurance and maintenance that comes with it as well. Have a $2000 cushion of cash to get yourself out of sudden scrapes.

Stay out of debt. Beware of offers, financing or investments that are too good to be true. The world is at the brink of changing, will look very different when you’re ready to retire, and many people assume it will keep running this way will be unpleasantly surprised.

Don’t do meth, not even once.

R233, I too ended a LTR at age 50 (after 25 years) and it was the best step - for both of us. We're still good friends to this day (15 years later) and I love him dearly but living together was not a healthy situation. Being single at 50 opened a whole new chapter for me and there are things I have done and people I have met which would not have been possible otherwise. Lesson learned - If you're not happy with your life (or your partner, or your job, or or or), do not be afraid of moving on. Take control and make a change. Don't expect fate to come along and make a change for you. Life is too short.

Bravo, r238!

I held on to bitterness and anger with my ex, which was exhausting until it became tedious, and then irrelevant when I started becoming sick with cancer. Cancer cured all negative relationships I had because I didn't have the energy or even awareness to keep on engaging. I do not recommend to younger people to wait until one is at their lowest point in life to start making changes.

A few years later after recovery (fingers crossed), my ex and I became friends-ish again, but I have to set boundaries. There's an old Datalounge joke about lesbians setting boundaries but I forget what it was (I'm telling you now so I don't have to tell you later? Or something. And bread pudding). I found that I just couldn't erase those 26 years, but still moved on after letting go and being open to new perspectives. He annoys me and makes me laugh like no one else, and the co-dependence bonds are broken.

It's inspiring for me to hear that younger people are open to hearing about our experiences and advice; when I was younger, I would have ignored them because I knew EVERYTHING, riight?

Good luck, OP! The road is long -- enjoy the ride -- but it WILL end. Promise. Time flies whether you're having fun or not.

If your husband has a need to spread his seed, be supportive. It's a biological imperative, just as bottoms have higher levels of estrogen creating a need for semen and the sensation of fertilization. Try not to throw a good man away because of his biological, sexual impulses. As long as he is coming home to you and loves you, turn the other head. If he beats you, walk away and make sure to always have a lawyer on retainer.

Lots of sound advice from this wise gay friendly Jewish woman

living in Miami in this short documentary =

Being open may hurt your relationship in ways you never considered. My partner and I were mostly monogamous until about 2 years ago. I was a little hesitant to become monogamous since it was always fun to have some new hook up. Since we stopped hooking up with others, our sex life has become so much better and I feel like our emotional bond has grown much stronger. I thought things were prefect before, but it’s amazing how much better they are now. We are in our late 30s, have been together for more than ten years, and we have no desire to look outside the relationship any longer.

After 25 years, sex is secondary. Cohabitation, emotional support, financial responsibility are complicated and difficult to make work. But that is what makes the relationship work more than anything else. Took a while to get there but I learned so much about myself and feel I’ve truly changed for the better by being forced to integrate my life fully with another. The mental processes and habitual behaviors that you develop growing up are hard to break - but doing so has been critical to finding happiness and finally breaking free of the toxic history of my family.

Learn to let go.

There is a fair amount of talk about "getting out of your comfort zone" but you also need to recognize when its time to get back to your comfort zone. I spent far too many years trying new things, traveling, moving from job to job and pursuing whatever dream I had at the time. There did come a time when I knew I should've been nesting and creating for myself the sort of home I wanted to live in, but I convinced myself that that would be the boring thing to do.

I'm doing it now and it gives me so much pleasure. I wish I'd done it 10 years ago.

[quote]There did come a time when I knew I should've been nesting and creating for myself the sort of home I wanted to live in, but I convinced myself that that would be the boring thing to do.

It's only boring if you devote all of your time to making and maintaining a nice home. Having a nice place is a huge priority for me, but it's not a life's work nor a preoccupation that precludes travel or trying new things — those experiences and exposure are the very things that help make your house an interesting and comfortable place.

Put as much money as you can into a 401K or similar retirement account. Floss. Get a colonoscopy. Travel while you are still healthy enough to do so.

Create a balance between saving for retirement and living for today. When young, it’s easy to ignore saving - which is OK in your 20s. But you find greater happiness as time goes by with money in the bank than a nice car in the driveway. But spend money on travel when young - even at the cost of saving. Just one rule: no credit card debt.