Let's be Ru Paul's Drag Race

I'm the queen who made RuPaul laugh in week one, and now he's committed to dragging my ass all the way to the final, even as better queens are eliminated on the thinnest of excuses.

I'm the contestants' reactions when Ru announces this week's challenge. No matter how awful it sounds I will pop my mouth wide open, raise my eyebrows and squeal with delight like a five year old whos just been given a stuffed animal and a lolly.

I'm the obviously producer-supplied "sensitive" question supplied to a cast member to bring up during makeup time.

"Um, like, what does everyoneses parents think of them doing drag?!"

*camera cuts to queen whose mother died giving birth to them and whose father is abusive and homophobic*

We're the sewing machines and drag supplies you see in the workroom. We're just set decorations. We get dusted once a month.

I'm the emphasis that this is a drag show and NOT a trans show, but only by trans viewers.

I'm the death drop, which astounded viewers the first 5 times they saw it, but has become boring through sheer repetition.

I'm Ru's thinly-veiled disdain for, and boredom with, the entire enterprise.

I'm the front of the Judges table. I fill the bottom half of your screen. I'm hideous and vaguely sinister. I'm the wrong colors turned up to eleven.

I’m the annoying vocal fry .

I'm the contestant who's backstory is heavily featured in an episode, which means I'll be going home.

I’m the dead celebrity spinning on my grave during match game.

I'm Michele Visage's terribly lame puns

I'm the "bitch" said as a period at the end of a sentence. I am the height of wit.

I'm the plus-size queen. I bet I won't get one like.

I'm the tears. I happen on the stage when any drag queen gets a bad review, and when they get a very good review. I also happen in the work room when the totally not producer-supplied question about growing up gay or with abusive parents is presented.

I'm the phrase "now these girls know I'm a serious threat" by most of the queens during their confessional. These queens would deny having low self esteem but are somehow very concerned what the other contestants think about their viability in the competition.

I'm the tears from the near-the-bottom queen who gets to stay. I demurely bow my head at Ru and vow not to let you down again.

I'm the terrible, repeated phrase that never catches. My drag bar friends swore it was hilarious, hunty. I probably shouldn't have had the t-shirts made before the episodes aired.

I'm the comedy queen who isn't funny

I'm RuPaul's pop culture references - I begin with The Wizard of Oz and end with early 90s Madonna. Anything later than this will be met with a blank stare.

I'm the bitter filler queen/early-out who takes to social media post-sashay to spill "tea" about the show being overproduced and predetermined, as if this is a major new discovery.

I'm insufferable.

I'm the dramatic YouTube video the queens make when RuPaul says something that could possibly be about them during her podcast.

We're the Drag Race subreddits. We're a perfect storm of annoying wokesters, racist trash, teenage girls, vapid twinks, and clout chasers who post nothing but memes and quotes from the show so they can experience the endorphin rush of an upvote.

I'm "Ben Platt, who plays Dear"

I am a vagina! I am welcome here now!

R3 forgot to add that after baring their soul, that queen will be eliminated that evening.

And R26, I am Ru screaming OVER MY DEAD BODY at the possibility of said vagina ever winning a season.

I am Michelle Visage, super fan.

I'm Snatch Game. I'm tired and lame. I'm never funny, just pathetic. Apparently though, people in high places like me as they trot me out every god damned season.

I'm the queen designated "the trade of the season" even though I'm pumped with so much filler I look like a balloon animal.

I'm Season 1, and I was shot on a 2007 Motorola Razr.

I’m laughing my ass off, sitting on my pile of cash. (And I never made a crappy album either!)

I'm the version of RuPaul who presented himself in the UK version of Drag Race. As this is a new market, I'm more involved with the queens, I'm kinder, gentler, supportive, not going too over-the-top with the psychobabble and the American yass kweeen lingo, and pretend to know who the random guest hosts are that appear on the show.

I don't understand half of what the queens are saying, but I know that the UK is a profitable market and isn't sick of Drag Race the way the US is. I'm trying to appeal to a different group of people versus the fifteen-year-old girls who have taken over the fandom in the US.

And I'm trying to shill my music to a new market so I'm revisiting some of my more popular songs and trying to make them A Thing.

I'm the cliche "at the end of the day". I will be said by at least two queens during each episode, and by one of the judges at least every other episode.

I'm the random queen or queens from past seasons that appear in some episodes doing stupid things. Did they pay World of Wonder, or did World of Wonder pay them?

I’m the assorted gaffs and tucking panties littered about the Werk room, after the show has ended. The whole place smells like balls in pantyhose.

I am your head. How is it?

I'm the jokes and one-liners that are used every season and get less and less amusing each year. We have reached negative territory now.

I'm the barrage of excuses given by the queens during the judges' critiques. I range from the well-worn and generic "I just got in my head during the challenge" (which will be used as a lead-in to the question posed by R38), to the TMI and very specific "I had a cyst that popped on the plane ride here".

I'm the pre -teens/teens girls, obese single female 20somethings and the obese Mommies with trans kids who make up 99% of the shows fan base.

..........

I'm the tearful, sad sendoff the booted queen gets on Untucked where she is most likely crying dramatically about how she HAD SO MUCH MORE TO SHOW THE WORLD and while she was temporarily defeated SHE WASN'T DONE YET... THIS ISN'T THE LAST YOU'VE SEEN OF HER!@ like a weeping old-timey villain.

I'm the cocky guest-host who defiantly disagrees with Michelle.

I'm the crying and weeping the girls do whenever they receive a critique they don't like (and even critiques they do like). I'm also the myriad excuses given as to why they didn't shine in a particular challenge.

I'm the cringey catchphrases that the forgettable middle-of-the-pack queens try to make happen in a thirsty bid for relevance.

I'm Miss Shuga Cain, and I am a strong black woman.

I'm the crazy-making judging in the latest seasons.

I’m Ru. I haven’t done my own makeup since the late 90’s.

I'm Michelle Visage's frozen forehead filled with daggers anytime Graham Norton speaks on the panel.

I'm the obligatory and utterly gratuitous gasps and laughs and claps and bugged out eyes elicited by every single split every single contestant does.

I'm the paint-by-numbers Drag Race template that has been used for the past 5 regular seasons and all international seasons, complete with way too many boring song-and-dance numbers.

I'm Adore, always here to remind you what was once good about the show. (Hint: it's not emaciated boys in corsets with snooty attitudes.)

I'm Shangela, back again and always!

I'm the 4/10 guy who has a tiny bit of arm muscle and no lip injections being worshiped as 12/10 "trade."

Snatchy Gamey is so lame every season that when she tries to make you laugh, she BLANKS instead!

I am Anastasia Beverly Hills, overpriced makeup that will soon be on discount shelves once this show is cancelled.

I am ChuckAndAlsTravel dot com, BoobsForQueens dot com, FierceDragJewels dot com, that creepy Absolut PR guy and all the other early sponsors who are nowhere to be found today.

I'm GURRRL!

I get more screen time than anyone else, even RuPaul himself.

I'm RuPaul's paycheck, growing in inverse proportion to the entertainment value of the show.

I'm BRAVE because I shared MY SECRET on the runway as a last-ditch effort to avoid elimination.

I'm the queen that shares a disgusting story, such as my giant cyst popping, and says that's the reason they can't walk in 6" heels.

I'm back stabbing Raven. I have no friends.

I'm indifference when someone says, "look there's Manila."

I am a mediocre Black Queen. My pictures are posted on Reddit with the tag lines “Black Excellence” and “She DID That!”. I am upvoted for no reason even though those same fans never buy my merch or follow me in IG.

I am the well respected queen with a large following who gets eliminated early just so the season can have a gag! My career will never recover from this.

I'm Tamisha Iman's tv network.

I'm these!

I’m Tamisha Iman’s ostomy bag, which is full of no fucks.

I am a horribly written scripted challenge. It is cringe the entire time and unless you get the staring role you won’t win.

I'm the meaty tuck that, like a well-acted sketch, makes an occasional appearance.

I'm Just Jan. I'll be back.

I'm the inevitable and inevitably awful "single" that every losing queen cuts.

Every one of me has a video with atrocious Auto-Tune, terrible dancing, and looks like it cost $50 to make. I am designed to be played in gay clubs, but am only played in the saddest clubs in places like Mobile, Alabama.

Honestly, I just skip to the end of the episodes these days just to see who gets eliminated. It's total cringe to watch them write and "sing" shitty corny songs and rehearse choreography.

Rewatch Season 12. That was a most talented, attractive, diverse and charming cast. Even their l o n g ass skit of Gay's Anatomy was well performed and pretty funny. Plus JAN! (She should have won the Madonna Challenge:) I'm That Bitch was week #1 challenge.

Hunty!!!!!!