Who would they be if they weren't celebrities fawned over by millions, but just regular people in the real world?

Oh yes, the post didn't have that little structure issue before I posted it. Sorry, Cher.

Tom Hiddleston: Mid-level Permanent Undersecretary in the Foreign Office who always travels with the PM because the wives of foreign dignitaries need tending to and respond to impeccable British manners. At night, they favorably report back to their husbands.

I like that one a lot, R2.

Caveat: Annie is one of the only female photographers to break through the stratosphere. I admire that example. It's unfortunate that my opinion of much of her work is that it's slovenly. A three year old with an Instamatic could do the same thing, and without an entourage.

That said, Annie Leibovitz, unemployed one stop Photo drive up kiosk lady. Very friendly, a joy to her customers. Living on the generosity of friends somewhere in Van Nuys.

Brendan Fraser: Lawn furniture salesman in a suburb who coaches Little League and tries to get it on, in a meek way, with the MILFs.

Gwyneth Paltrow: The biggest Karen in Westchester County. Every service worker and store clerk is terrified of her.

Viola Davis- arrogant college professor

Most of them: working at a fast food place

Meryl Streep: Librarian.

Madonna: Hairdresser.

Robbie Williams: Mechanic.

Ewan McGregor: Itinerant motorcycle repairman who works at shops all around the greater Glasgow and Edinburgh areas but keeps getting fired due to alcoholism and leaves a trail of bastard children in his wake. Tries to keep a rock band of his equally no-account Gen-X friends going, but fails.

Jeremy Irons: Sadistic instructor at a posh boys' school.

Meryl Streep: Gender studies professor at Columbia

Frances McDormand: Gender studies prof or janitor

Kate Hudson: Yoga trainer

Jennifer Lawrence: Would you like fries with that?

All the nepotism spawn: Wawa employees.

JLo: Still on the block, and working at the local Food Bazaar market.

Nicole Kidman: neurotic, ageing housewife desperately trying to hang on to her youth by wearing too tight, clingy clothes and throwing herself at every (young) man who comes along, especially if he has money. Gives a minimum of time to the kids and hubby then hits the streets after supper. Barfly material.

Tom Hanks: Accountant

Natalie Portman: Director of some woke organization

Armie Hammer: managing the family oil business

Timothee Chalamet: Would you like fries with that?

Ben Affleck - Bar Owner, slurping up half of all the booze in sight.

Matt Damon: middle aged married man wearing tight pants and hitting the local cruising sites hoping that some man will peg his womanly ass.

Reese Witherspoon: She wants to speak to your manager. NOW.

Amy Adams, boring suburban breeder stay at home mom.

Britney Spears: waitress at a sleazy diner in a small Louisiana town, married to the hot college jock turned fat, alcoholic loser who beats her up on the regular.

Chrissy Teigen would be celebrating her 15th anniversary as a cook at Hooters, seeing as she is not pretty enough to be a Hooters Girl.

Taylor Swift: Phoebe Buffay or professional karaoke performer

Bruce Jenner: mechanic by day, and performing in amateur drag shows at night.

R20 Britney can do better; she'd be the assistant manager at the Dollar General by now.

Frances McDormand - owns and works at a plant nursery

Glen Close - pharmacist

Charlize Theron: prison for hiring a Hitman or something equally crazy. There's something cruel and nasty in her eyes.

JLo: Realtor. Also does multi-level marketing on the side.

Kevin Hart- fast food manager

Rosie O'Donnell: paint department at Lowe's

Faye Dunaway: Newport Beach frau being dragged out screaming from a Whole Foods market for refusing to wear a mask

Mouseboy: Door greeter at Walmart.

Emma Stone: Pharmacy assistant

Dustin Hoffman: media prof who disses all his students' favorite movies, pointing up minute flaws and saying how he'd do it better, then one day loses it and starts screaming "I coulda been a contender" during Film Studies 101.

Robert De Niro: Teamster

Jennifer Lawrence: Would you like a lid with that?

Melissa McCarthy - ER Nurse

Oprah - Elementary school guidance counselor

Jack Black - Blackjack dealer in Vegas

Megan Markle - Manager of a Lulu Lemon store

Nah, Brad Pitt was almost done with an architecture degree when he took off for LA. He'd be a divorced professional on his second or third family who cheats whenever he's on business trips.

Angelina would be a tattoo artist in Venice Beach who alternates between heroin addiction and trying to clean up with methadone so she can maybe convince her ex to let her see her kids.

Prince Harry would be a lorry driver with a history of DUIs and domestic violence charges.

Meghan Markle would be that woman in your office who is always blogging about her latest colon cleanse or leaving early to get manicures instead of doing that fucking project you're both supposed to be working on. When you go to your boss about her, she accuses you of racism.

Dolly Parton owns a hair salon and travels the country in a RV with her wife Judy.

Jen Aniston - senior purser with United. She’s seen the world in her 30 years as a flight attendant but the layovers are tougher now and fewer men buy her a drink.

Jane Lynch - Pitbull breeder

Ricky Martin - Bathhouse employee

Cyndi Lauper = consignment store "co-owner" of an illegal basement shop in Williamsburg. Everyone thinks she's a riot.

Robert Downey Jr. = former LA high-profile arm candy/male escort - currently living in a van down by the river.

Tom Holland = copyboy/research assistant hired at the Spectator and completely unconscious of the fact that the theatre critic who hired him intends to have his wicked way with the lad during a late work night.

Kevin Spacey = the Spectator theatre critic who hired Tom.

Stephen King = sold Downey the van.

Madonna = buys all Cyndi's clothes.

Tom Cruise: Ringleader of a multi-level marketing pyramid scheme.

Liza Minnelli: Crazy cat lady, semi-recluse who only leaves the house to buy more cat food and booze.

Riz Ahmed: fast talking owner of several cornershop stores and news agents in London, aspires to branch out into the NYC market

Jason Bateman: ageing alcoholic golf pro at a Sherman Oaks Country Club. He’s losing his boyish charm but the fraus still book him for 121 coaching sessions.

Melania Trump: Einstein Scholar-in-Residence at the Bunny Ranch brothel.

Kevin Spacey - drama instructor at a boys school who gets fired for getting too friendly with the students

Anne Hathaway-annoying divorce attorney

Chasten Buttigeig = Delivery Driver for Pizza Hut.

Marie Osmond - church secretary who hosts diet meetings after work.

What I honestly think ALMOST happened---->>Mayor Peter Buttigieg = Married to his WIFE Melissa and living in South Bend with his 2 kids. He would be prepping to run for Governor by praising TRUMP and complaining about taxing the rich people. Mayor Peter would also be complaining about Biden trying to expand funding for the "wasteful" Transportation Department and be against the LGBTQ "Agenda"....

Donald Trump = shot to death by the mafia for trying to join and clearly being an immediate liability.

Roger Stone = beaten to death with a toilet seat by an enraged cellmate.

Steve Bannon = shambling wreck reeking of skunk and skidmarks who answers the door of his hovel to irate tax collectors wearing nothing but a bathrobe with piss stains all over it.

Alex Jones = no-tell motel superintendent who spends his whole day in his scuzzy office sleeping off the previous night's drunk with both hands down the front of his cruddy pants.

Lachlan Murdoch = running a milk bar in suburban Brisbane having shut up shop in the city centre for there being too many fuckin' slant-eyes about.

Keyleigh McEnany = makes front page news when she and her fellow Fappa Dappa Kappas roll their rented car during their 10 Year Reunion (Fort Mudge College) and winds up in a six-month body cast.

Jared Kushner = willowy head waiter at a two-star French restaurant; fired for stealing everyone's tips.

r53, that's dead-on!

Tom Holland would be the guy who sells popcorn at the theatre....Timothee Chalemet would be the Ultra Fem guy who wears pink nail polish during his shift at Wal-Mart.

Bret Easton Ellis = cokehead used bookstore clerk who makes cunty under-his-breath comments about your purchases ("He's buying THAT translation? Stupid fuck").

Megan Markle = owner of successful chain of dry cleaning companies in San Diego. In society pages for development work with migrant children's kindergarten program.

Judy Dench = prison matron.

Van Diesel = topping Sean Zevran and loving every second of it.

Elijah Wood = hand-puppet trauma therapist.

Lindsay Lohan = washed-up whore (essentially no difference)

Sigourney Weaver - first US female President. Admired for no-nonsense take on domestic policy but involved with unfortunate incident where she attends G20 and puts Boris Johnson into a coma after he snaps her bra.

Emile Hirsch: The creepy IT guy in the office.

Bill Hader: The cool IT guy in the office.

Meghan Markle: Director of HR

Michael Jackson - 5th grade teacher who takes "special boys" under his wing

Andy Cohen = The guy who is at the GAY PARK all day long--every day. And "knows a guy" if you need some weed.

[quote] Matt Damon: middle aged married man wearing tight pants and hitting the local cruising sites hoping that some man will peg his womanly ass.

Why “womanly” ass?

Martin Amis - jockeyed for Kevin Spacey's position as Theatre Critic at the Spectator; didn't get it and reduced to doing round-ups of crime novels (paperback edition); never passes Kevin's office without mumbling "American cunt" through bleeding gums.

Lara Trump - chicken parts packer/mom to seven kids/MAGA!!

Matthew McConaughey - gas station attendant who LIVES for Burning Man. Spends every year there in exactly the same way: stark naked and whacked out of his tiny little mind.

Nicholas Cage - spends most of his day in phone booth screaming at various ex girlfriends despite booth not providing actual phone service for the last 15 years.

Whoopi Goldberg - social worker willing to overlook the fact that you didn't fill out the forms. But JUST THIS ONCE.

R61 You must not be a DL regular reader. The guys here refer to Matt as having a "womanly ass."

R51 Perfect! I can see it.

Timothee Chalemet would be telling you what tonights dinner specials are. He would also ask if you want a drink from the bar. Unchanged = He would reek of failure, femininity, and cigarette smoke.

Matthew McConaughey: Middle aged man who is almost openly bisexual and can't get enough cock and weed.

[quote] The guys here refer to Matt as having a "womanly ass."

Why is that? Does he really?

Michael Jackson - Zookeeper and also operates the Kona Ice kiosk at the outdoor mall

Lindsay Lohan - slutty executive assistant at some sleazy company by day, escort at night. Also she sells adult novelty products at parties.

Dean McDermott - An ex-semi pro athlete that had to retire due to a back injury. Gets drunk all day and has 3 ex wives. Is broke paying child support.

Miley Cyrus - works part time at a Truck Stop gas station, breeds dogs at home and sings for tips at a karaoke bar on the weekend.

R51, that is GOOD.

Chris Hemsworth: owner of carpentry business somewhere on the NSW coast. Not Byron though, he just stays at the caravan park there whenever him and the missus and the kids get a chance to get away for a bit. Married his high school sweetheart, but both are aging poorly due to sun exposure and ciggies. Used to play local footy but the body doesn't hold up anymore. Hits on young girls at the bar who pretend to flirt, then get him to shout their vodka cruisers before they escape in a fit of laughter over that old loser who thinks he's still well fit. Will die of melanoma or bowel cancer in his 60s, and they'll retire his number at the local footy club. His missus will remarry his best mate, who she fucked throughout their marriage.

Chrissy Teigan = Stripper. WAY past her prime. Does OnlyFans to help pay her Trailer Park Rent.....

Susan Sarandon: that funky hippie lady working at the pet store. You strike up a friendly conversation with her about cat food and suddenly she launches into full-on conspiracy theory CRAZY: 5G forcefields, UFOs, the Illuminati, and 9/11.

You smile as you exit and plan on shopping elsewhere for your pet supplies in the future.

Christina Aguilera: Sephora Assistant manager

Keith Urban: used car salesman at a rinky dink Toyota dealership in Bumfuck, Australia. Aspires to become a new car salesman. A perennial bachelor who boasts of his sexual prowess but is never seen with a woman. All the girls in reception think they'll be the one to nail him down, when he's actually already in a tryst with the young, muscly mechanic in the Service department. Lives with his mum for "financial reasons", spends his vacations cruising with P&O Fairstar, and feels he's so much more cultured than everybody in town.

Sarah Jessica Parker = claims to be stylist for Bjork.

Cher = owner of incense shop in Venice Beach; does Tarot readings on the side.

Molly Ringwald = organic farmer of florals.

The late Lauren Bacall = literary agent and editor with a niche focus on international political noir. Very respected in the field and always flawlessly dressed but her PA changes every three months. Has her own booth at the Russian Tea Room and never needs to order the cocktail. Has a hidden addiction to shitty 1980s horror novels.

James Frey = speed bump.

Crissy Metz = On the local news talking about her FAT KIDS getting bullied at school. She believes her kids--Halo Reign and Maximo Moses---are not getting a proper education. And of course she is one of those "single mothers" who expects everyone to accommodate her every whim.

Kelly Ripa: saleswoman at a bridal salon at a past-its-prime mall in suburban NJ. She is heading for her 4th divorce and pops pills at work.

Madison Cawthorne = Tour Guide for the Handicapped who are visiting the local Aquarium. He is also the guy who WINKS at you for no particular reason, and says "dude" at the beginning of every sentence.

David Bowie: Ziggy the Magic Clown! A popular children's party entertainer in Brixton.

Margot Robbie: sales rep. Gets a lot of accounts purely on her looks and her cleavage. Has no aspirations other than to marry into some kind of money so she no longer has to rent designer bags. Only speaks to people who will help her get ahead. Goes to the opening of an envelope to try and get her mug in the social pages of the national newspaper in the capital city she lives on the edge of.

Justin Trudeau - Yoga instructor sued for sexual assault

Morrissey - Bitchy salon owner with bitchy scissors. Charges outrageous prices. Makes someone cry at least once a day.

Justin Bieber - Street corner weed sales - shot dead by rival gang

The late Prince = tuxedo rental clerk who is eventually fired for always handing clients copies of his demo tapes.

Ian McKellen = interior designer with camp delivery who wins over all his clients on the basis of his endless supply of catty stories which makes up somewhat for his surprisingly pedestrian taste.

Bill Murray = psychotic golf course groundskeeper (sometimes Hollywood gets it right).

Shelley Duvall = inexplicably popular 1970s leather boot model.

The late Barbara Stanwick = waitress at a coffee shop just off Hollywood Boulevard. Calls all her regulars "Jim".

[quote]Robbie Williams: Mechanic.

Doubtful. He’s almost 50 and never even learned to drive and has never had a driver’s license.

School janitor seems more his speed.

Rick Schroder would be chairman of Log Cabin Republicans by now if he wasn’t famous.

Woody Allen: teaches high school English and drama in Canarsie, Brooklyn.

Some parents have questions.

Leonardo DiCaprio - Unloading pallets at Home Depot

Mindy Cohn would be the owner and operator of the first kosher soul food restaurant in Los Angeles.

Peter Buttigieg. GOP Chairman from the state of Indiana. Proud Trump Supporter. Golfs with Trump at Mara Lago. Peters wife Melissa is on the Ivanka 2024 Election Committee...Their Children Montgomery Lincoln and Reagan Nancy are students at the exclusive WestportMont School of Conservative Minds--where children don't have to learn yucky liberal things like Abortion or Slavery..

French President Macron - 800 Euro a night cabana boy in St. Tropez

Kelly Osbourne - Sales Associate at Sally’s Beauty Supply.

r90 Pete is a Democrat.

Angela Lansbury would be a personal secretary to her Majesty the Queen.

Julie Andrews would be selling flowers in Covent Garden. Sometimes Broadway gets it right, too.

Machine Gun Kelly - House painter. I’ve seen so many house painters that look like him: white trash, scrawny, tall, bunch of tattoos, etc.

Carol Burnett would be the first woman superintendent of a public school system in a suburb of Houston.

Donny Osmond - an Elder in the Mormon Church who takes everything VERY seriously and scarcely cracks a smile. And thinks pop music songs are a sin.

Marie Osmond is so spot-on, I can totally picture it.

Sherri Shepherd - A science teacher since she’s so brilliant!

R93 = Thats what YOU think. Go look at his policies.

Linda Lavin would be the secretary of a reform synagogue in Teaneck, New Jersey.

Jeremy Piven - a used car salesman

Olivia Newton-John would own one of the top dispensaries in Northern LA County. Dionne Warwick would be its #1 customer.

John Travolta would have lost all of his money investing in a chain of discos only to make it back again and then some with a chain of nostalgic 1950s-style diners. Jeff Conaway would be the chain-smoking assistant manager of the flagship store constantly fending off advances from the owner.

Singer Anne Murray - (lesbian) gym teacher which is what she really wanted to be.

Fuck off r100. Go lick Bernie's ancient taint.

Henry Cavill - sales associate at The Vitamin Shoppe, specializing in muscle powder and supplements.

Allison Janney would be a hairdresser in a small Midwestern town. She will never marry after her boyfriend dies under mysterious circumstances the night before they are supposed to be wed.

Jessica Simpson, MLM scammer and mother of four. But super charming.

Jennifer Aniston-GM of a Greek restaurant in Tarpon Springs. She has now taken over owner operations after her father, John, has handed over the restaurant to her because of his failing health and old age. Sales have dropped after she decides to cut costs and change over to jarred dolmas over making them fresh and using black olives instead of Kalamata. Her father has no idea this has been going on, until the restaurant is featured on an episode of Kitchen Nightmares.

Jen can’t wait until the old bastard dies so she can sell the restaurant and move the fuck out of Florida.

Justin Bieber is actually a baker at Tim Horton’s. He sells drugs on the side and uses Tim’s as a front since he’s by himself from 3:30 AM until 6AM. Everyone wonders how little Justin can afford a Mercedes on his salary.

Charlton Heston would be the dean of a Divinity school.

Reese Witherspoon - working the front desk checking in patients at a doctors office

Timmy is a deli clerk at a Wegmans, Ralph’s, Kroger. Wherever. He’s gotten complaints because he never smiles or is engaging with customers and is always on either Tik Tok or Instagram. The teenage girls and one elder gay always come in to squee at him because he’s soooo cute. They follow him on Tik Tok and know his work schedule. He never gets fired for his attitude because his roommate, Arnie Hammer, is manager/head butcher of the meat department.

Betty Wade and Cloris Leachman would be partners in a vegetarian restaurant in Minneapolis where the plant-based dairy free Artisanal organic tiramisu gets four stars out of five from a local food critic.

Betty White and Cloris Leachman would be partners in a vegetarian restaurant in Minneapolis where the plant-based dairy free Artisanal organic tiramisu gets four stars out of five from a local food critic.

Kylie Minogue - Flight Attendant

Rock Hudson would have owned a gay porno shop in the village.

Kate would be married to some banker or hedge fund guy or whichever rich dude her stewardess madam/mother pimped her out to.

Helen Reddy would own a feminist bookshop in Melbourne, right next door to a restaurant that serves spaghetti on toast for breakfast.

I’m loving this thread because they’re all so believable!

Prince Harry would work for the city driving a garbage truck.

Sean Hayes would be a guinea pig for hocus-pocus HIV cures.

Shondra Rhimes would be Starbucks Barista who always has an attitude and swears YOU said it wrong to her and that SHE got the order right.

Adele would be the fat chick whose boyfriend is gay and she is the only one stupid enough to not see it.

Timothee would be the FEM BINARY who wears a dress to his shift at Dunkin Doughnuts and thinks his pink hair makes him look unique--in a good way...

Elton John and his husband would own a bakery in Newcastle-upon-Tyne, and he'd be just as fat as he is now.

Viola Davis would be the head of HR, but she'd bd off work for at least four months each year due to "exhaustion" and various other medical issues related to her endless suffering. You'd get a lot of sanctimonious, holier-than-thou lecturing from her but little or no real work, just like HR cunts everywhere.

Babs would be a divorced, stereotypically Jewish mom from Brooklyn, who can't stop showing off that she has now moved to an exclusive community in Long Island. She refuses to discuss why her son Jason is still unmarried and tells her canasta pals that he loves his mom so much that no other woman could ever match up.

Adam Levine would be the shirtless Tattoo Artist giving you a tattoo and you can't tell if he is just being friendly or hitting on you.

Carrie Underwood would be the trailer park manager in NoPlace Oklahoma. And Blake Shelton would be the tire repairman who is cheating on his wife with Carrie.

Ryan Seacrest would be a wedding deejay and wonders if his life would have been different if he bottomed for Merv Griffin when he had the chance.

Straight Nick Jonas would be popular on OnlyFans and have a gay following because of his support for his openly gay brothers Joe and Kevin.

Brandy, Laura Bush and Matthew Broderick would all be serving jail sentences.

R133 = YEP....And you forgot Griffin O'Neal....

Robert Downey, Jr - cold, sadistic business leader with a secret soft spot for his VP Alexander. OR commercial pilot who gets locked in the plane's bathroom while having sex with his copilot.

Anderson Cooper - stern Dutch shipbuilder, father of the family, fanatical protestant who doesn't allow soft chairs and music in his house in Amsterdam.

Mariah Carey - owner of a small family restaurant in Texas. Drives customers crazy by insisting she "belt one out" after a few drinks.

Kylie Minogue wouldn't be a fuckin flight attendant Rose, she's a fuckin midget!

Roger Stone, frequent swing club attendee, meets his match at the re-opened Mineshaft.

Ever boastful Roger claims to have never met a fist he couldn't take, well....he dies at the hand of one extremely large fist.

The Queen would be a horse breeder and housewife who lives in the country with her husband and dogs.

Princes Ann and Camilla would be one of the horses

Oprah Winfrey - Nursing Home Assistant. Arrested for elder abuse of white patients.

Prince William would be an accountant

Kate would be a doctors wife

Princess Diana would have been a dull middle class housewife, incapable of any job outside the home, and she's not even a good housewife

Harry's a plumber

Meghan human resources bitch at a university

Princess Beatrice lives in assisted housing with other special needs people

Prince Andrew is a real estate agent who hires terribly young girls to show his listings

Prince Edward is an out gay man who runs a bondage S and M palour.

Bryan Singer. Camp Counselor--or at least BEFORE the trial. Sadly his friend Dustin testified against him for a lighter sentence.

Tom Cruise, Catholic priest by day, after hours he spends all his time on his knees at the local gloryhole sucking any cock that comes through the hole

Matthew McConaughey: Truck driver who make a post on craigslist and have sex with young teenage girls in his truck or his dirty and small apartment where there is no bed but just a couch

Matt Bomer: A handsome man who works in a marketing company

Lady Gaga: Unemployed singer/waitress at a bar who has a lot of medication for her depression etc

Ben Affleck: Unemployed man

Alicia Keys: A married well kindergarten teacher

Jacky Chan: Construction worker in Hong Kong

Jensen Ackles: Trumper, probably a friend of QShaman

Prince Harry, employed by a small time jeweler, doing watch repair while he bitches and whines that the light isn't good enough.

Donald Trump is Dr. Pimple Popper's favorite client because every week he comes in with a new giant ass cyst full of pus. The doc wonders how a retired carnival barker gets so many zits on his bum.

Martin Freeman = nasty, celibate stock analyst who is always dropping the C-bomb during Skype calls and spends half the day in the bathroom snorting his weight in overpriced coke.

Jake Gyllenhaal = drives a tow truck and has been sober for three years. Occasionally does a fishing trip with some buds where they get each other's rocks off but they're totally not gay, sometimes a hoke is just a hole, know what I mean?

Bette Midler = backstage manager for a gay nightclub with a multi-part act. Calls all the performers "my boys" and brings in a box of assorted Krispy Kremes every day. They talk endlessly about how they can't fucking stand her but whenever she takes a sick day they freak out collectively.

Glenn Close = extremely talented woman architect who tours Seven Sisters colleges to speak to graduating classes about making it in a man's world. On every anti-depressant currently extant.

Donald Trump Jr. = panhandler at Newark airport. Eventually found dead under an abandoned car.

Tiger Woods = parking lot developer in Miami area. Plays a mean game of golf with the local town council members who occasionally ask him if he's ever thought of going pro. He just laughs.

Matt Gaetz = interred in one of Tiger Woods' parking lots for failure to honor certain contractual agreements for the obtaining and dispersal of recreational substances.

Hunter Biden - Hobo behind the local 7-11. Will let you suck his dick for $20.

Melania Trump: most popular hooker in Bratislava.

Kimberly Guilfoyle: coke addicted poll dancer at LA's sleaziest strip club.

Ivanka Trump: East Side NYC call girl.

Hillary Clinton - No-nonsense dyke bar manager. Rumored to have had a rival disappear..

Laura Loomer - mauled to death by six of her eight rescue pit bulls. Last words: "I'm being Loomered!!!"

Queen Elizabeth - retired widow and Vice President of local garden club. Has knack for solving murders in her spare time.

Boris Johnson - carnival barker traveling with small sleazy circus. Bangs his way through the freak show. Finally hangs self in the monkey cage.

Beyonce = senior housekeeper at a three-star Chicago hotel.

Bruce Springsteen = mechanic specializing in classic cars. Every diner waitress in town wants his sweet ass but all he talks about is that stupid fuckin' T-bird. I swear to God, Charlene, it's like he's fucking the thing.

Betty Lynn would be a semi-retired high school Spanish teacher in a red state. She has stayed on as faculty advisor of the drama club, as she's beloved by all the theater kids, and substitute teaches Spanish 1 & 2. She wears ridiculous, over-the-top outfits and tells outlandish stories about herself ("I was once Éric Rohmer's muse!") but is harmless enough. She lives alone and, although there are whispers of a long-lost husband -- or was it a fiance who left her at the altar? -- is childless and single.

Over the years, the cast parties that she hosts at her house on the outskirts of town have become notorious and reports of underage drinking have long made the conservative school board rounds. However, her younger brother is the long-time county sheriff, and no one crosses the Buckley clan in these parts.

Adele = Fat Chav on the dole living in a council flat, 3 kids by 3 different dads.

Harrison Ford - construction worker

David Duchovny - college English professor

Jodie Foster - indie bookstore owner

Madonna - a small town dance instructor

Betty White - housewife

David Cronenberg - gynaecologist

Armie Hammer - serial killer

Mark Ruffalo - author of articles promoting conspiracy theories

Alfred Hitchcock - designer of store window displays

Casey Affleck - handyman

Brian DePalma - medical examiner

Christopher Walken - Children's Entertainer

Serena Williams would be working in a nail salon. Many years ago she posted a video of her learning how to do nails from some women who worked in a salon.

Helen Mirren: Landscaper, specialised in hydrangeas, loves a good bush.

Kate Winslet: Bartender, vowed it was just a gig for the summer. That was 12 years ago.

George Clooney: Sales at one of the big four, actually longs for running a macadamia farm.

Jack Nicholson: Tobacco shop owner, smokes like a chimney in winter but doesn’t drink.

[quote] Melania Trump: most popular hooker in Bratislava.

The Ambassador of Slovakia would like to lodge a formal complaint with the High Commission of Datalounge. His Excellency would like to remind DL that his country has nothing at all to do with the former First Lady of the Evening. He suggests that the Ambassador of DL set up a meeting with the Ambassador of [bold] Slovenia[/bold] to discuss important world matters such as the true origin of Puttanesca, for instance.

Chrissy Metz. A Sunday school teacher and housewife, residing in the Ocean Breeze trailer park, Gainesville, FL.

Meghan McCain - shouting "Welcome to Dollar Tree!" as customers enter the store.

Slovenia, Slovakia: they're both Second World shitholes, Your Excellency @R157.

Jennifer Hudson, Kelly Clarkson, Clay Aiken, Fantasia Barrino, that country chick who won AI: "Would you like extra large fries with that?"

Meryl Streep: inmate on death row

Vivian Vance: DL poster

Chris Cuomo: Physical therapist

Chelsea Clinton: Stocking shelves at Target

Trump Kids: Welcome to Burger King, may I take your order?

Hunter Biden: Perpetual fuckup on unemployment

Tom Holland: Sporting goods sales associate

Jason Momoa- working road construction. Looks damn sexy in his orange safety vest.

Kit Harrington- Auto Bell worker. Can detail a car like nobody’s business. His compact size makes it easy for him to reach those tight corners...

Tori Spelling - Manager of a Bath & Body Works in Ohio

Adam Driver- grave digger or mortician

Patrick Wilson- Middle School science teacher. All the moms want to have parent teacher conferences with him.

This is one of the more ludicrous posts I’ve seen on DL. There is a reason why Pitt is famous and your alternative is more revealing of yourself than anything to do with Pitt.

Geena Davis: math and science teacher

Patti LaYelle: bad cook at Chick-fil-A by day, a horrible shrieking drag queen at the ghetto drag bar by nighy

Anderson Cooper = major American client of the London financial firm where Martin Freeman works. Has elegant office from which he manages Mother's foundation. Has mad crush on Martin, who thinks of him as a posh yank tosser. Every time they finish a Skype call, Anderson wanks his dick until it practically comes off in his hand.

Jennifer Connelly = award-winning potter. Gives non-credit beginners' course at Pratt. Is increasingly interested in texture. All her male students plead for one-on-one sessions, to her puzzlement, since their work seems fine to her and anyway you can't improve upon personal instinct and grasp of living form.

Jack Nicholson = worlds' sleaziest used car dealer. Seriously. Do not trust a single thing this guy says. You want a used van, Robert? Get one from Stephen King.

Anjelica Houston = local high priestess of the Church of Satan. Will explain, quietly and calmly to those who question her, that Satanism has nothing to do with evil and is closer to a Gnostic reading of the Rites of Pan. This would be more convincing were she not continually searching Jack Nicholson's garbage cans for scraps of clothing to fashion into hex dolls. Dumping her was bad enough, but selling her that Impala with the fucked transmission was the last straw.

Lee Pace = just about the finest construction crane driver in four states. Always on time, sober, polite. Secretly writes poetry in French. Goes on fishing trips with his pal Jake and sucks him drier than a Death Valley river bed.

Glenn Close - dog washer and groomer

Adam Driver - Academic

Frances McDormand - Porter

Bradley Cooper - Sales/Marketing Representative

Brie Larson - Sears employee

Charlize Theron: Right wing Afrikaner housewife who has her rich right wing Afrikaner husband by the balls and sleeps with a gun under her pillow.

Jennifer Lawrence: manages her millionaire husband’s construction business, was arrested after live-streaming from the Capitol.

Julia Roberts: highly successful divorce attorney. Out bitches everyone.

Jennifer Aniston: yoga instructor.

Glenn Close: owns a chain of countrywear stores in the North East.

Meryl Streep: middle school principal, insists on singing at the annual Christmas concerts.

Robert De Niro: sculptor

Michelle Pfeiffer - aspiring model in her youth, did a little work and is still bitter she didn't get her big break. Works at an obscure art gallery in LA owned by her rich fiance. She's been divorced five times. Only works on days her fibromyalgia isn't flaring up.

Johnny Depp - alcoholic loser on some fake disability benefit, who deals pot and occasionally meth. Is covered with nasty tattoos and has barely any teeth left. Chain smokes and seldom bathes. Has a string of DUIs and has done time in prison for car theft and domestic violence. Lives in a dilapidated shack out in the woods but hopes to upgrade to a trailer one day. However, he is actually quite good on the guitar and has a lot of friends because he is really chill and likeable.

Meghan Markle - ageing yacht girl and criminal accomplice, eg, transporting drugs and gems for shady rich Russians and Chinese.

Sandra Bernhard: dog groomer in Flint, Michigan. Part-time astrologer: she does birth charts for regular salon customers. Abrasively funny, chainsmoker, secretly hates dogs.

Does Matt Damon actually have a womanly ass?

Tobey Maguire - Gambling addict with rage and substance abuse issues, wife left him and took the kids because of his temper and pissing away all the money.

Oh, wait....

Bea Arthur - Retired librarian who is still mad about how the card catalog is now obsolete. Only uses computers to check email and play the New York Times crossword.

[quote] Sigourney Weaver - first US female President. Admired for no-nonsense take on domestic policy.

R56 this was already a show!

Andy Cohen would be a sleazy wine rep for a vineyard on the Outer Banks.

Tucker Carlson would have an OnlyFans where he'd do the banana dance while wearing nothing but his bow tie and not on his neck, either. He'd also be a Zamboni driver for a 1970s Brutalist hockey rink and would sometimes begin crying as he drove the Zamboni. He'd cheer himself up by humming the theme from the 1960s TV version of Batman.

Oprah Winfrey would not be able to believe how effective this car wax is for five or six hours at a time, depending on who else was co-hosting the infomercial.

David Tennant would be an English professor in a shitty British city and have to be rescued from one of the lockers every Monday, having been crammed into it by his mischievous charges the previous Friday.

Judy Davis would co-own a crap candy stand in the Gold Coast with her fifth husband. They'd fight like street rats 24/7. The name of the place would be Go Fudge Yourself.

Elise Stefanick would be a flailing realtor trying desperately to make Washington County sound like the next big summer destination. "They have the second oldest mini-golf course in the country!" Etc.

Joseph Bastianich would be the local bookie working out of the diner down the street in Queens.

Jodie Foster would run the world's first woman-owned and operated private security black ops force. She'd be a terrifying, baleful presence in sleek black pantsuits, with a Doberman pinscher by her side, but harbor a secret fondness for Lee Pace's poetry in French, unaware that "Lee Pace" is a also a boy's name.

Andrew Cuomo would be the beleaguered police chief of a faded Catskills resort town and be carrying on a fairly torrid affair with Helen Hunt, who owns the IHOP.

Winona Ryder would be an abstract expressionist painter represented by the likes of Paul Kasmin or Sperone Westwater or some similar gallery. She'd show up while they were hanging the work and light a blue candle in the center of the room "for purity of communication". At the opening reception she'd suddenly scream "I AM NO LONGER IN MY SPACE!" and run crying out into the street.

Kimberly Guilfoyle would be looking for company at the brass bar of the Brown Palace Hotel in Denver. Whenever the bartender recognizes her she is escorted to the sidewalk, having accidentally set the bedrooms on fire more time than management cares to discuss.

Mel Gibson = beaten to death with a cast iron frying pan.

Joan Crawford - psychopathic professional dominatrix with a sinister reputation.

So, R190. No change there.

Chris Pratt: bowling alley shoe rental clerk, Mankato, Minnesota.

Used to deal some weed on the side and do standup at open mike night at The Chuckle Hut until his fat fiancé made him give it up and accompany him to her weekly Bible study. Q-Anon enthusiast.

Mel Gibson - Retired contractor who lives in a tract house on the outskirts of town, drinking and watching Fox News all day, yelling about liberals.

Professional pisser

Roseanne Barr - Front desk receptionist at her local Jewish Community Center, is rude and surly to everybody.

Leonardo Dicaprio - That guy who pushes a shopping cart around town all day, collecting bottles and cans to turn in at the recycling center for money.

Rami Malek: wired, heavily sedated, and permanently anxious menswear assistant ("Why not get one of EVERY color?!"). In heavy debt due to self-esteem and finding-yourself programs. Has complete set of Anthony Robbins CDs. Walks with noticeable limp due repeated falls, including a nasty one at Soul Cycle involving entangled limbs and a steel cutter.

Joe Biden would have an all-natural ice cream company/retirement project in Connecticut called Bidenberry. 25% of the profits would be donated to the fire department, mostly for pulling Hunter off various building ledges over the years.

Dean R. Koontz would break into other people's homes and fondle their guns.

Nancy Pelosi would be your thesis advisor. And she is not impressed with your margins.

Mitch McConnell would be the cackling, rotted old fuck at the end of the front porch of some sinister-looking hunting lodge named after whatever Indian chief got his head blown off by the white colonists who later built it. He'd rock back and forth and back and forth and everyone would just think he was about the creepiest thing they'd ever seen. Puts one off one's julip, it does.

Brad Parscale would be a blubbering piece of half-naked shit body-tackled by the fuzz oh wait.

Bryan Singer - failed boyband impresario

Matt Gaetz - sleazy lounge lizard with a drinking problem who hits on his 15-year-old daughter's friends

The Senatrice - openly gay and running an antique store in Charleston with his partner, Julio

Leonardo DiCpario - Package deliveryman or elevator repairman.

Kate McKinnon- annoying lesbian drama professor

Jada Pinkett - overbearing, screeching, obnoxious employee at the DMV who does fuck all and then screams "Racism" if questioned about her uselessness.

Rebel Wilson: bingo caller, Western Sydney.

Beards for 'bestie' Shane, whose mum told him she'd leave her bungalow to the Salvos in her will unless he found himself a girlfriend.

Jon Hamm... male prostitute 🍆🍆

Meghan McCain - mommy blogger and anti-vaxxer

Bradley Cooper - openly gay and running a B&B on Nantucket

Divine....hmmm.

Actually I think she'd be exactly the same, we just wouldn't have a filmed record of it.

Rose McGowan - strung-out homeless junkie throwing bottles of pee at any random passerby

Except for "homeless" I think that's accurate r210

Leanne Rimes - works as a manicurist in an uppity Dallas salon, sings in the choir at church and is fucking the pastor behind her busbands back. Her husband is having an affair with the male church music director.

Kirstie Alley - I imagine she would have ended up being an assistant manager at a Krispie Kreme.

R198 - Biden in Connecticut? Never.

Ted Cruz - the most hated teacher at Bumfucke High. All the students make fun of him behind his back.

Angelina Jolie...Thin junkie whore dancing in a peep-shop booth at a porno shop like the one at 22nd Market Sts in Philly.Falling and stumbling on her platform knockoff, then sitting in a bar crying about her Dad, dead mom and the men who always seemed to get away(they would have her), Then she gets another bump-gets fucked by ugly men in the stall Whore of Babylon, you deserve it!!

Marilyn Manson - a cult leader in some small trash town in Florida. Lives in a trailer with his disciples, and many offspring.

Candace Cameron - cashier at Chick-fil-A

^ I see her working at Hobby Lobby and screaming at customers who wear masks

Zac Efron - instaho being kept afloat by his sugar daddies

Jessica Chastain - CEO of some woke organization.

Mitch McConnell - middle manager being investigated for stealing from his company

Marco Rubio - crappy lawyer who was disbarred for sleeping with clients

Donald Trump Jr - running a titty bar and dealing drugs on the side

Ricky Martin - a masseuse at a “massage parlor”

Mariah Carey, a mom of six, alcoholic, divorced three times, works part-time at a local supermarket and steals benefit checks.

Michael Schoeffling, of Pretty in Pink and Mermaids fame, woodworker in Wilkes Barre, Pa.... oh wait...

Jennifer Lopez - Toll booth attendant

Catherine Zeta Spartacus Douglas Jones would be a blowsy, depressed wife and mom, who works in a Primark in Swansea and constantly reminisces about the time she won a talent contest as a six-year-old.

Keanu Reeves would me a surfer and riding a motorcycle somewhere. And smell like an ocean breeze while riding on the PCH Keanu is well....Keanu.

R229 But how would he earn a living? We aren’t talking about what they would do in their free time.

Sells some weed he grows in Northern California, surfs alot. Its Keanu.

Vanessa Williams would be the gorgeous, charming and lovely English teacher whom all the kids have a crush on.

Jennifer Garner: wife and breeder to insane, deeply-closeted Republican politician in a deep red state. She'll stand dutifully by his side through his many scandals with young men, preaching Bible verses and posting casserole recipes on her instagram.

Halle Berry = yogurt entrepreneur and spokesperson attempting to widen the consumer base in the African-American market. "Just because it's white and cultured..." (This goes poorly.)

The late Carrie Fisher = does women's stand-up at a bar in West Hollywood. Augments her meager paycheck by ghost-writing scenes for Bojack Horseman.

Anne Hathaway = junior editor at a distinguished but fading poetry publishing house. Very familiar with the work of Lee Pace. The ultimate Grammar Nazi. Sent one manuscript back so covered with red ink the author phoned her to snarl "I thought you'd finally slashed your wrists!" She answers : "After reading your manuscript, I considered it."

[quote] David Tennant would be an English professor in a shitty British city and have to be rescued from one of the lockers every Monday, having been crammed into it by his mischievous charges the previous Friday.

No word of a lie, my sixth-form grammar-school History & Politics teacher (they combined the role, it was a posh-poverty inner-city legacy school) looked very, very like Tennant, to an eerie degree. Scruff, panicked rabbit eyes, wiry body and all. Hadn’t occurred to me until you said it. Maybe it even was him, under an alias (don’t think Tennant was that famous or working much, at the time....)

Sarah Paulson-insufferable social worker

Rami Malek - Bike messenger

Aaron Schock - skanky methed-out hooker selling himself to rich guys. Oh, wait....

Jennifer Lopez - Soulcycle/Pilates instructor with a really cunty attitude.

Roman Polanski - sleazy girls' swim coach who only took that job to see girls in bathing suits

Kim Kardashian - vapid trophy wife

Mike Myers - Junior College summer substitute drama teacher. None of you are doing anything right! Don't you know the importance of the theatre? I demand respect for the 11th summer I'm staging A Doll's House in Winnetka, IL. I flounce outside to take my breaks with Players cigs and Seagrams VO mini bottles. I smell terrible and my skin looks like wax.

Bryan Singer, Kevin Spacey, R. Kelly, and co would be in jail

Stephen Colbert-Your favorite seminary theology teacher.

Jimmy Fallon-Doorman who entertains residents with his celebrity impressions.

Jimmy Kimmel-Guidance counselor who gets kids' hopes up, and then lets them down.

Clooney - charismatic small town Mayor married to his long time partner Chef Richard Kind who supported him during his financially lean years . They have an "understanding " about George's "needs" and Richard turns a blind eye while eating his feelings. When they have an argument, George has been known to take a shit in the litterbox of Richard's beloved cat.

Jeff Bezos - IT technician with a bad attitude that everyone in the office hates.

Elon Musk = UPS delivery man who hurls the packages at the door without slowing down.

Tom Selleck - running a ranch with his "male friend"

Oprah and Gayle - married to each other and running a womyn's health clinic. Their gay BFF Stedman lives next door with his life partner, Jim

There’s so many footballers it’s hard to know where to begin, so I just did my greatest love/hate national squad (2006)...

Crouchy—bouncy castles hire. he drives halfway across the country for parties in his garish painted van, calling into radio contexts and enjoying every second. slip him a a few fifty pound notes extra and he’ll dig out a funny costume for your kids’ party.

Owen—brickie. hopeless at everything except feeding a cement mixer and moving sand about, but he does a job in record time, and anyway he likes the routine. has walled himself into a building before, and no-one knows how he got out.

Rooney—butcher. surprisingly creative with a bit of stuffing, some sausagemeat, and a game bird. he doesnt always shower after work (bit of Lynx will do him) so local dogs follow him around (it’s Liverpool, stray dogs roving all over).

Becks—house painter. rather slapdash and liable to skive or forget to turn up for work, but he’s got such a pretty sweet gormless smile and such a golden aura that the housewives keep hiring him anyway.

Carrick—postie. you will never remember his name and you won’t miss him if you move or Royal Mail change his round, though it’s nice how everyday he hangs about the gate for a chat. properly lovely and normal but dull bloke.

Joe Cole—plumber. capable, but an absolute chancer with itchy fingers. things do tend to go missing from the side counter & cupboards every time without fail after he’s boeen round to look at the u-bend.

Jenas—chippy worker. chirpy and boyish, but you and he both know he’s going nowhere. every night before the rush when the pubs let out, he always tells himself this year will be the one he packs it in and moves to Marbella to become a holiday rep.

Stevie—foreman. reliable, above-board. an architect quality builder, but refuses to take a year or three off to get his technical Uni qualifications, because his enormous family/jobsite team come first (and anyway he’s not a class traitor alright?) he doesn’t know that his wife is shagging a local slumlord.

Lamps—mortgage broker. overly wordy and earnest to a fault, bit touchy. very much the type to grass up clients whom he merely suspects (with no evidence) might be looking to bend the law slightly. brings his work home, and feels anxious in Sundays at home out of a cheap M&S suit.

Bridgey—fruit n’ veg market seller. gets constant stick from the older louder barrow boys, and subsequently forces awkward banter too much which scares the punters. particular about weighing and pricing his produce, but will do you a deal on bananas.

Sol—sparky. could probably rewire the National Grid singlehandedly, but is fundamentally chilled and unambitious, preferring to take sporadic work between midday pub jaunts and long caravan holidays.

(cont....)

(Euro 2006 England squad, part ii)

Carra—traffic cop. dishes out verbals to civilians for very minor infractions (hypocritical—he can barely drive himself), and is constantly on report for losing his rag. acts like he runs the station department when he’s really just an officer.

Cashley—swanky nightclub rep to the Made In Chelsea set. also a covert gak dealer. his suits and his cars are as oily as his personality, but it’s amazing how a bit of patter and the sight of a top-range new-reg Merc will bring people round. flies to Dubai a fair bit.

Rio—youth social worker. gets on well with most teens, but openly loathes all other adults. smokes puff and acts surly at staff meetings over the community centre like he’s 15 still, when he’s actually pushing 50. you get the impression he was quite the shiv-toting ASBO in his own youth, and feels only mild chagrin about it now.

Gary Neville—NHS hospital admin. autistically melts down whenever the Frauen with whom he shares a front desk misplace memos, move/touch his stationary or his tea mug, or file things in the wrong place. gets angry when other staff cry about patients (it’s not professional OR appropriate, Janet). hogs all the good shifts.

John Terry—cowboy roofer/removals (and hobbyist flytipper). works two full-time jobs because he keeps getting caught doing dodgy work, he has a slight problem with punching the machines down the bookies, and because his wife & five kids at home do his nut in. he’s the person about whom nice taxpaying people call in to telly programmes to complain.

David James—bouncer. drunk hens always beg him to take his top off on shift, and banjoed younger lads frequently crack onto him in pure sexual confusion over this big tough hunk who looks tender but also like he could jackhammer you into the ground in a painful violent non-titillating way.

Aaron Rodgers - married to a cute, 20-something twink and captain of a gay rugby team

Christian Bale—-sinister mortuary technician. Gleefully milks it when junior police officers or trainee forensics pay the morgue a visit, because then he can take the dubious pleasure of pointing out the tiny drawers “where we keep the kids”.

Wendy Williams -- owner of a high end hair supply/wig store in a gentrified section of Brooklyn. Took a week vacation and came back with new giant boobs, and her employees didn't get a Christmas bonus that year.

Jennifer Lawrence: A Kentucky single mom, knocked up by the local druggie. She lives the Western Honeybee Trailer Park, and strips at the local dive bar for tips.

Jim Caviezel: Religion cult leader a la David Koresh and Jim Jones.

Marjorie Taylor Greene - meth-y bartender at the local dive

Kurt Cobain would be alive.

Whitney - alive and living with Robyn

Lucille Ball: Embittered, bitchy barmaid in a Jamestown NY tavern. She smokies like a chimney while slinging booze to the locals. Her henpecked husband, Gary tried to talk her out of taking the job.

Mark Wahlberg: former G4P porn actor turned right-wing religious nutjob who's currently doing jail time for beating, choking and spitting on his heavily pregnant wife after she dared to bring up his past.

Justin Bieber would be breeding pitbulls in his mom's backyard.

The Wahlberg one is dead-on!

Harry Styles - on Love Island UK as a contestant

Courtney Love = the world-weary, middle-aged female convenience store clerk who is always smoking outside the front door of the store, texting on her phone. Used to strip for cash until she aged out.

Liam Payne - porn worker.

Niall Horan - behind the bar at a Guinness themed pub

Zayn - dead of a heroin overdose aged 20

Louis Tomlinson - serving a ten year stretch for credit card fraud

Louis Tomlinson - meth dealer

Agree that Zayn would be dead.

Brie Larson - "Do you want whipped cream on that?"

Joe Biden-Aging Hairdresser w. bad dye job & plastic surgery, new to area. Is trying to build a loyal following of blue haired who won't mind his smelling their hair.

He had to flee from his former location, since his smelling little girl's hair landed him on the sex offenders list.

Jill Biden-Underemployed fashion stylist.

Hunter Biden-On the run from the Russian Mafia, Ukraine gangs, Chinese Govt. & Mexican Cartels.

Brie Larson - Would you like fries with that?

r267 - fat Trumpster sitting in his double wide, hiding out from the Feds who are about to arrest him for his role in the insurrection

Don't worry, R269! They'll never find him! He shaved off his lice-ridden beard!!!

[quote] Rebel Wilson: bingo caller, Western Sydney

She actually studied law and defended herself in a defamation case against an Australian tabloid magazine.

I can see Rebel being a colourful local magistrate.

I imagine KL Gifford working at a vineyard handing out wine samples while having a few each hour for herself.

Some time ago someone said this about Ozzy Osbourne, and I'm going to go with it - 'In any other universe, Ozzy Osbourne would be an alcoholic bricklayer up North'.

Brie Larson - Fifty bucks more if you don't want to use a condom.

More from the auteur with Lee Pace the poet and Stephen King the used van salesman!

Katy Perry - Christian soccer mom with four kids living in Utah or Colorado. Kayden, Brayden, Hayden, and Zayden are just darling. She works for multiple MLM companies and is just dying to tell you about how you can be your own Boss babe. Has a youtube channel where she sings covers and has a few thousand subscribers.

Now, now, not all celebrities are idiots who'd end up asking if you want fries with that!

Sigourney Weaver - Professor Emeritus of English at Mount Holyoke, and author of 17 books. Congratulates herself every day on getting out before the SJWs took over academia.

Reese Witherspoon - clawed her way up from HR bitch to Vice President at a nationwide auto insurance company. Happy to organize mass layoffs when necessary.

Steve Martin - went back to geology after his career in stand-up comedy ended, but retired from the UC Davis geology department after his youtube comedy channel became moderately popular.

Natalie Portman - owns a company that makes vegan frozen entrees, carried regionally by Whole Foods. Won't get a divorce because then her useless husband would get half of everything.

But yeah. Kim Kardashian - working the makeup counter at the San Pedro Macy's. All the Armenian fraus love her.

Tilda Swinton – reiki, aromatherapy, and crystal healing therapist, Edinburgh. Hugh Grant – runs an asian brides introduction agency above a betting shop in Leeds. Rami Malek - nocturnal animals & meerkat keeper, San Diego Zoo.

R267 spends his days smelling the dirt under his toenails while looking at Trump posters on his basement walls, and posting shit about the Biden’s.

Roseanne- her sitcom character

Fran Drescher- her sitcom character

Joan Collins- her soapie character

Ellen Degeneres - sadistic PE teacher

Johnny Depp: juggler

Ah well R170 as OP I have to get my sick kicks where I can, eh? I enjoyed this thread thoroughly, Brad sweetie.

The Queen: Dog show judge.

Princess Anne: Hospital matron.

Princess Michael of Kent: theatre book office dragon.

Prince Andrew & Fergie: crooked bookie, and plus-sized-lingerie party saleswoman (pyramid scheme).

Jim Parsons - Airline ticket agent

I suppose we should be asking which celebrities would get the best non-acting jobs and which would get the worst non-acting jobs?

[quote]Princess Diana would have been a dull middle class housewife, incapable of any job outside the home, and she's not even a good housewife

she was a competent school teacher, I think she would have been a good one

oh sweetie, she was a kindergarten assistant, not a school teacher, BIG, BIG difference

there is a sort of dystopian alternate history of the twentieth century that uses only real life characters, and though the outcomes of the world events border on pornographically grim the celebrity encounters are interesting

.richard nixon - runs a popular fast food chain - think burger king

Johnny Cash is a famous movie actor

Elvis (married to elizabeth montgomery) quits making movies and starts a donut shop chain

Clark Gable goes into politics, Reagan doesn't

(Billie) Jean Moffet (we call her King) is the first woman to win the Golf open, goes on to be a spokesperson for sports bras

Gail (we call her oprah) winfrey is an editor of the chicago trib

and Hillary and Billy Rodham are step-siblings, billy's mom moving up north and marrying Hillary's dad. she works for the NYT and he is a retired navy seal

Diana was as dumb as a box of rocks, she was fortunate she had good breeding and was mildly attractive and had good dress sense and good connections through her family.

and some sad ones, Jim Henson dies in an internment camp as a teen. Stevie wonder dies after birth

the series is called "for all time"

r289, she was more naive than dumb

Bradley Cooper - mail clerk

bradley cooper - drop out of lasalle college, worked in construction for a while, now a manger of the kinkos in horsham, PA

Adam Driver - IT specialist.

True story:*

Martha Stewart: professional organizer for wealthy people.

Ina garten - now retired counter girl from zabars, sold more chopped liver than any other single employee

Hunter Biden-On the run from his Baby Mamas chasing him for child support.

Tiffany Trump = barmaid at a roadhouse in Little Rock. Voted "wettest T-shirt" for all the drinks she's spilled. "Aw, you guys!" she says when the regulars slap the glittery crown on her head.

David Lynch = housepainter in North Carolina. Makes birdhouses in his spare time that have no openings in them. "What birds are these for?" asks a puzzled Sherlyn Fenn (investor in organic apiaries). "Dead birds, honey," he mumbles. "Dead birds."

Jack Black = envies Robert Downey Jr. his van. Sometimes, when Downey is checking his fishing lines while smoking an enormous blunt, Jack asks if he can put his sleeping bag under the van because it looks like the weekend is gonna be rainy. "No," Downey says without looking at him.

Joan Collins = parakeet breeder.

Chris Christie = Staten Island Ferry emergency hull flotation device.

Dionne: Do you want fries with that, hussy?

Cissy: Do you want fries with that, sinful fag?

James Van der Beek = resolute VHS video store holdout owner/operator. When there are no customers (i.e., 98% of the time) he practices karate moves/Chinese curse words up and down the aisles.

The late Jim Henson = Amish darner.

Andie MacDowell = proud mother of three in Buckhead, Atlanta; edits casserole blog.

Harrison Ford = Ferris wheel repair man

Barbara Bush = original proprietor and current grandmotherly spokeswoman for a line of Vermont Country Store old-fashioned butterscotch lollipops: "When it's time for lickin', it's time for a Bush!"

James Corden would be doing my oil change at the Honda dealership.

JLo would be at the front desk of my dentist's office asking me if my contact information or insurance has changed since last time.

Harry Mountbatten-Windsor would be a NYC Squeegee Man terrorizing motorists near the Lincoln Tunnel.

Lady Gaga: "We have Blue Cross Blue Shield as your insurance, is that correct?"

Tom Cotton - leader of the local chapter of the Proud Boys

Kelly Clarkson - Denny's waitress. She sings in her church choir and basks in the praise she gets for her beautiful singing voice. Watches "The Voice" on NBC religiously.

Julia Roberts - "Anal will cost you an extra $1.50 and I don't kiss."

Holly Hunter - Farmer

Amy Schumer - Would you like sauce with that?

Meghan Markle: selling hair products on QVC.

Harry: Used car salesman in Yorkshire.

Prince Charles: owner/manager of the last actual bookshop in London, somewhere just off the Tottenham Court Road.

Diana Ross would have been a successful businesswoman.

Jennifer Lopez - worked and married her way up from attack saleswoman at the mall, to the owner of a chain of nail salons that are fronts for money laundering.

Kris Kardashian Jenner - CEO of a MLM company that makes 100% of its profits from making the sales reps buy more product than they can ever sell. Her victims will defend her to the death, as she makes them feel like part of a big cheerful extended family.

Harrison Ford - carpenter who retired rich, because he built a little house for his family in a part of the Malibu hills that was cheap in 1978.

Johnny Depp - used to be a successful tattoo artist, lost his business due to alcoholism, then kept getting fired from busboy jobs for drinking any alcohol left in the glasses he clears from tables. Unemployed since COVID hit, divides his time between video games and harassing ex-girlfriends and ex-employers.

Chrissy Teigen - works in one of Jennifer Lopez's nail salons.

Stevie Nicks -- self-proclaimed "old hippie" teaching an 8-week bookkeeping certificate course at ASU. Each lesson will eventually lead to a long-winded story of her experience at Woodstock/Monterey Pop/Altamont/Big Sur.

John Goodman - Plumber

Cristiano Ronaldo—‘business partner/adopted son’ (r: ageing trophy toy boy) to some ancient dessicated Dom/crimelord.

He doesn’t work or study, and hasn’t since age 17 as Daddy likes to control his money and his freedom; he just whiles his time away idling on the beaches, obsessively doing CrossFit, walking his miniature dog past construction workers, whoring his way through every expat in the clubs, and swanning obliviously about the favelas to visit his old family and give them as much cash as he has for allowance that week. He promenades everywhere just dripping in too-tight and too-shiny Armani numbers straight off the runway, like another Antoinette.

Occasionally he hosts a party at the Villa for the underworld glitterati, and as a matter a pride and a wish to prove himself as someone of some value he always tries hard to make it exquisite as far as his taste extends (r: not far). He travels with Daddy when permitted, but he is always forced to beg and give fairly revolting sexual favours for it, and he likes that less than the nagging ache of wanderlust and restlessness. He often speaks of his desire for a child, but this falls on deaf ears—and don’t you have a big enough family leeching from you already, Cri?

It isn’t until his early-30s that it all gets boring, and that it finally occurs to him how meaningless, empty and obscure his life as a human accessory really is. So he takes to religion for a couple of years, and never asks what the particulars about Indulgences are when you seduce your Confessor. Philanthropy rubs off, and he starts to give away his worldly goods and spends more time in the favelas actually listening and seeing what must change. He goes about attempting to contribute in ways truly charitable—rebuilding houses, treating water, challenging corrupt landlords. Daddy begins to treat him differently, more distantly and coldly, and asks that he stop drawing attention to himself.

At age 36, he is fatally shot as collateral in a standoff between his Daddy’s henches and those of another criminal underworld gang leader. Daddy replaces him a month after the funeral, moving in a nineteen year-old pickpocket vandal who he caught trying to slash the tyres of the vintage Maserati GranCabrio (the one Cristiano used to adore and favour above all the other luxury cars in the private garage). The locals guerilla-paint a mural of Cri in the aspect of a Catholic angel onto a rundown wall in a kids’ play park in Madeira.

R312 Stevie Nicks is too stupid to be a teacher. She went to junior college to study speech pathology, which is what women who score less than 1000 on their SATS study. Sheds be a hairdresser in Phoenix most likely.

Stevie Knicks = curator of a lampshade museum in the Garden District.

Michael J. Fox = in his younger years a wildly successful swimming pool installation company owner whose cheesy commercials had him dragged off various inflatables by shrill blondes with hair bigger than he was. Currently raises money for hydrotherapy for the local children's hospital.

Yoko Ono = Snuffbox Keeper to Her Imperial Majesty, the Empress of Japan. Always in demand at court for her ability on the kugo. No one can sing plum blossom gagaku the way she can.

The late Yul Brenner = artist's model for various luxury car hood ornaments.

Hope Hicks = QVC hostess.

Rex Reed = former airline steward on New York-Rome direct flights for Pan-Am World Airways. Had First Class in stitches with his Streisand impersonations.

Ellen DeGeneres = power broker in Montecito. Currently repping an exquisite $15 million all-wood eco-conscious mansion designed by that talented architect, Glenn Close. The Tasteful Friends post on Datalounge is ON FIRE. (As is, alas, with much greater frequency, Montecito.)

Ethel Kennedy = harridan wife of salvage yard owner.

Kathy Griffin = Disneyworld performer of Minnie Mouse. Quits when a drunk furry grabs her by the fake tits and burbles "Let's fuck in Mr. Toad's Wild Ride!"

Billy Joel = grease monkey arrested for pawing random upper-class blonde in Rolls Royce.

I think I'm enjoying this thread a little too much.

R316/R317, you have the most clever, vivid, and fascinating imagination.

Drew Barrymore - recovering alcoholic living in a tiny beach house somewhere in California. Has a couple of ex husbands and kids that live with their father(s). She makes jewelry and sells it on etsy. Spends her days on the beach finding shells for her jewelry business. Otherwise it's AA meetings daily. Her house is filled with Live, Laugh, Love, signs.

R37 Brad Pitt was a few classes short of a Journalism degree, not architecture. Top news anchor in a mid-sized city. Always longing for the "big time".

Barry Manilow - plays piano at various bars, churches, theater rehearsals, community college singing classes, etc. Still bitter that the local Nordstroms stopped employing in-store pianists and the bathhouses where he used to play never re-opened in the 80s. (Same for Elton John.)

Angelina Jolie - has ten foster kids in addition to the biological ones by different fathers, makes her enough of a living from state payments and her alternative-parent instagram to afford black-market fentanyl patches.

Bruce Willis - speedboat salesman, who changes employers whenever he gets in a fight with a co-worker or a customer.

Jason Momoa - carpenter specializing in custom cabinetry, every rich housewife in the San Fernando Valley has him in to redo her kitchen, and spend a couple of hours giving her an estimate on the bedroom.

Amanda Seyfried - orthopedic surgeon's bored trophy wife. Is planning to have Momoa put bookshelves into the living room and breakfast nook and even the hallway, even though she doesn't read books.

Toni Collette - postal delivery worker

Matt Damon - lawyer in Boston. All the gay judges love staring at his ass

Bill Cosby - guy giving out pudding samples at the store

Bill Cosby - would have been locked up, like 50 years ago if he hadn't been famous.

Most of these responses seem to be posted by the same poster.

R327, guilty as charged. I've done all the five-pack ones with equals signs and a few more besides.

Bryan Singer - head counselor at an expensive boys summer camp. Bryan loves his job and gets depressed when the summer season is over. He thinks its because he has SAD (seasonal affective disorder), but there is another reason....

Brad Pitt almost completed an architecture degree? That's a new one to me. Thought he studied something easy like journalism in college

Leonardo DiCaprio: just moved back in with his mother after getting fired from his part-time job as janitor at the local high school. Parents had been complaining for years about his constant chatting up the pretty freshman and sophomore girls, but rumour has it what REALLY got him fired were incidents involving boys .. as of yet, nothing has been confirmed though.

francis mcdormand (looking at her background) becomes a disciples of Christ preacher and evangelist

glenn close - stayed in switzerland and becomes a head of a language school

från drescher went to school in physics but went into a influential path on public television in science programming.

Arnold Schwarzenegger would be the owner of a successful chain of Austrian gyms, and an unsuccessful populist candidate for parliament.

Kanye West would be living the desperate treat-em-and-street-em life of an American with poorly controlled bipolar disorder. Jim Carrey would be disabled by depression, but he'd be in Canada where at least he'd have a social safety net.

Charlie Sheen would have owned legal brothels around the Las Vegas area and dealt drugs behind the scenes, until his unexplained disappearance.

Guy Fieri would be microwaving Cisco foodstuffs at Denny's, and hitting on the waitresses and bragging about his yellow corvette until his co-workers would knife him, if a Denny's kitchen had any knives.

Charlie Sheen - low level con artist

The telenovela at R314 deserves its own thread.

Seth Myers-High school math/algebra teacher who all the kids live because he goes against normal curriculum when teaching and makes algebra interesting. Always wears his sleeves rolled up. Drives a Genesis. His wife is a special ed teacher at the middle school and they are both active in Special Olympics. No kids yet, but they do have a border collie.

Cristiano Ronaldo—‘business partner/adopted son’ (r: ageing trophy toy boy) to some ancient dessicated Dom/crimelord.

you haven't seen photos of Ronaldo pre fame, hick teeth, big nose and acne scars, it's all plastic surgery

Patti LuPone would be an alcoholic hairdresser who can't hold down a job. She gets fired constantly after yelling at customers, fighting with them and throwing things at them. She is currently on benefits and facing a lawsuit after throwing bleach on a customer in a fit of rage. When questioned she told the reporters, "Fuck off. I am Italian. We do this all the time."

R337 simple for you to criticise. Would you want for me to stay ugly troll, like certain English players?

CR7, we have news for you. You are still ugly, greasy and cheap-looking.

cheesy and greasy

Madame Lindzebelle 🐞 would be running an escort service catering to wealthy golfers in Myrtle Beach.

TimoTay - retail

DiCaprio - grocery store clerk

lots of porn stars

Hunter Biden - Trade Show Setup. He should thank his lucky stars he was born a Biden and is good looking.

Octavia Spencer - DMV clerk

Octavia Spencer is an English literature graduate. I'd imagine she could have managed a better job than DMV clerk. I could see her as a high school teacher.

Jeannine Pirro: Spends her days as a realtor catering exclusively to The Villages, Florida. Spends her nights as a drunken member of the many swingers clubs at The Villages.

sarah Palin - methed out mom of six, several baby daddies, drop-out, works odd jobs. . . .oh, wait. . .

Taylor Swift owns a money-losing art gallery in Nashville, funded by her wealthy dad. Refers to her girlfriend as her "roommate", because coming out in Tennessee might be bad for her brand.

Emma Watson is currently between jobs. Top degree in economics, had been a top aide to an MP, but quit after being sexually harrassed and disillusioned about politics in general. Spends her days frantically cleaning her parents home and wondering if calling herself non-binary will get her a job with a cause she can approve of.

Mike Myers is bitter middle manager at an auto parts retail company, hated by every single person at his workplace. Even his grown children won't speak to him.

I think this thread got primed in a negative direction (by me!) and maybe we could go a little easier on the celebs, imagine realistic but better lives for them? Dustin Hoffman, for instance, would have made a good theatre teacher or film critic. No breakdown, and when he retires he shows up at Gay Pride Festivals to support his students.

Faye Dunaway tried her hand at acting but then ended up settling down with a husband in coral gables, they invest in property and adopted some cuban refugees as offspring. . . . .

sally (goes by margaret) Field worked through school on a farm and so started working on it, a fruit farm! imagine that! Margaret later in life enjoyed the fruits of her success with her many children living out a quiet life in southern California

Elizabeth Taylor- beauty salon owner and hairdresser

Joan Collins- former high class escort and now brothel madam

Jackie Onassis- book editor married to a rich stockbroker, lives quiet life between Hamptons and New York homes

Lee Radziwill- former high class escort, lives off trusts from former tricks

Julian Morris - high class rentboy

Lin Manuel MIranda-annoying music teacher

Vanessa Williams = Cellist with the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra

Paul Ryan = second stringer for Kristen Bjorn porn movies. Famed for "hands-free" climaxes. Goes by the name of Buster Glute.

Viola Davis = provides irate recorded voice for MTA telling customers to let the people off the train first, you goddam rude pigs, didn't your mother teach you any manners, my God.

Milo Yiannopoulos = dead meth whore floating and bloating somewhere in industrial canal in Preston, having been beaten to death by dealer for trying to pay in "good press"

Kevin Sessums = passing out plastic bags of cake to random pedestrians in small town. Oh wait.

Beyoncé would start off as the secretary to some married, businessman. She'd be terrible at her job because of being essentially illiterate but gets to keep it because of her oral skills. Graduates to mistress and then convinces her boss to divorce his wife and marry her. Gives up her job immediately but then spends the rest of her married life terrified of the next secretary displacing her. Becomes a cosmetic surgery freak show.

That should have been "married, small-time businessman".

[quote] Octavia Spencer is an English literature graduate. I'd imagine she could have managed a better job than DMV clerk. I could see her as a high school teacher.

R348 most of these guesses are bullshit. A lot of these celebrities have university degrees, have managed their money and have succeeded in being employed over decades in the entertainment industry which means they are highly ambitious, highly organised, don’t give up and have the ability to get along with people.

R361, these aren't guesses. They're comeuppances.

Face slaps

Donald Trump: working for an asbestos removal company, dead of a massive heart attack at 45.

Matt Bomer - real estate agent.

Kellyanne Conway would still be packing blueberries back in New Jersey. She was the state blueberry packing champion. As a second job, she could have been an auctionier or sell real estate.

this is the most believable one

Kamala Harris - prostitute

Elizabeth Mountbatten: retired lorry driver

Phil Mountbatten: retired naval officer

Charles Mountbatten: architect

Anne Mountbatten: housewife

Andy Mountbatten: police officer

Eddie Mountbatten: actor on "Coronation Street"

[quote] Eddie Mountbatten:

Shopbottom, like Mr Humphries. "I am FREE, Captain PeaCOCK!!!!"

R368 = brainless Republican.

Julianna Margulies - bitchy flight attendant.

Beyonce and Jay Z Burger King employees

Jay Z is a very successful businessman. But the general consensus here seems to be that all black celebrities would wind up as bums or hookers, even the ones with college degrees....

Jay Z - has a college degree and works at Burger King

R375 = Klan member living in mom's doublewide

Pioneer Woman Ree Drummond - InstaCart Shopper.

Howard Stern - Bagel store owner

R376 - Jussie Smollett

R379 = Sherri Papini

r123 = vivian vance

r234 - julianne moore, seriously

Stevie Wonder - funny uncle who work at a community center

Henry Cavill - gym coach for fraus, but a hungry bottom who want young dicks all the time

Neil Patrick Harris - corporate sale who work in the same company for decades

Jon Hamm - Awful manager at MacDonald

Mariah Carey - Divorced mom who live off her husband alimony and have a young man on the side who is probably into mild

Whitney Houston - She will be a singer. She is born to be a singer, there is no other way

Hillary Clinton - in jail for hitting her husband mistress

Bill Clinton - in jail for sexual offense

Paul Ryan - Douchebag company director who do nothing and meet young twink on DaddyHunt

George Bush - Janitor who voted for Trump and wear Maga Hat

Mike Pence - old gay bottom who love young men body

Obama - extremely successful black lawyer

Aaron Rodgers - Working in the call center at State Farm.

Mo'Nique = angry, lazy employee in some government office who is constantly either off sick or on a smoke break. Hates her boss who is a thin Black woman with light skin and "good hair", and plots ways of humiliating her or even killing her.

Rosie O'Donnell = "chef" at McDonald's who deep fries even the burger patties and the salad, attacks a customer who complains about it, and quits her job. Currently on disability benefits and has been served a restraining order after she started stalking and threatening that customer.

Bernadette Peters = works in a kindergarten. The children there ask their parents, "Mom, Dad, why does that woman speak like a six-year-old?"

Mary J Blige = hooker and drug dealer. Oh, wait.

Bai Ling = skilled contractor who specializes in roof repairs.

Sissy Spacek - selling homemade crap at weekend markets

Yeah, some of these celebrities are very smart and ambitious people, if not totally ruthless.

Alan Alda: Very successful real estate developer, turns farmland into "country" McMansions.

Will Smith: Top realtor in Alda's area, unloads those shoddy new places as easily as selling ice cream in August!

Mayim Bialyk: Research scientist at a pharmacutical company. In a long-running dispute with Dr. Lisa Kudrow, over how to measure the effectiveness of migraine pills.

Gerard Butler: Alcoholic criminal defense attorney (he's a law school dropout in real life).

And of course, Carrie Fisher: bartender and housemother at a gay bar, when she's not in rehab.

Liza Minelli - long-time bartender and housemother at a gay bar, when she's not in rehab.

Donald Drumpf, obese failed used car salesman from Queens. This charm-free sour man cannot even sell a used car which is in excellent condition. His boss, feeling he's given this loser way too many chances, fires him.

Donald is not exactly a hit with the ladies, after two divorces and six kids under his size 55 belt, he decides to join a traveling circus as a carnival barker, he fails at that too. Drumpf goes back to Queens, he takes a job as a doorman at a glamorous new high-rise co-op in Long Island City. The gentrifiers, as well as the staff, despise him. Depressed, lonely, balding and broke, he takes the elevator to the 30th floor, goes to the roof and jumps to his death.

Meghan M. cheap obvious grifter always on the move...Oh wait

Jonah Hill - Subway Train Conductor

Seth Rogen. GM of a supermarket. Always wears short sleeved dress shirts and those short, fat ties. This is the fifth store he’s managed in the region because of sexual harassment claims.

Jada Pinkett: Warden at a women's prison. "When You're Good to Mama, Mama's Good to You."

Madonna: slutty, abusive nun who can entertain the parish like no other!

Drake Bell—Disneyland employee, eventually fired for perving on tween girl visitors.

Elton John = manager of a hen-party-oriented sex toy shop in Brighton. Your go-too guy for feather boas, penis straws and "naughty" themed outfits to help Jodie celebrate her Very Special Day.

Seth Green = baker in Anaheim. Notoriously touchy. Sick of the joke about how much is it for him to wear a tux and stand on the wedding cake.

Armie Hammer = rich lout with miles of shrink bills, most of which address the fact that his parents spelled his name wrong. Gets so weepy on the couch, the physiatrist has started putting down towels.

Donald Sutherland = VP of Ontario Historical Society. Gives illustrated lectures on wild geese. Collects telephone pole glass insulators. Keeps telling Kiefer to stop toking up in the parking lot.

Lauren Boebert = shot in the face by Marjorie Taylor Greene over rights to choice street corner.

Janet Jackson = overweight frau who constantly discusses new diets with her church group. Married and divorced four times, mom of five kids, grandmom to nine, great-grandma to three.

Olivia Williams - working at a 711 as a manager

Kampala Harris, streetwalker

Tarantino - Comic Book and Retro Toy store owner, doesn't really like parting with his stock

Spacey - Adult Book store owner, on the same street as Tarantino, can't now sell much stock

Hugh Grant - Auctioneer at Sotheby's, does occasional turns on populist TV as a fruity art-world expert

Eddie Redmayne - Owner of a chic West End Gallery which stages cool conceptual events

Mark Rylance - Eco-Warrior, quite often arrested, lives in a commune near Glastonbury

Daniel Radcliffe = alcoholic, "sensitive" husband who is always prattling on about feminism while constantly cheating on his wife and stealing her money.

[quote] Hugh Grant - Auctioneer at Sotheby's, does occasional turns on populist TV as a fruity art-world expert

You can absolutely imagine Grant doing ANTIQUES ROADSHOW completely blotto, drooling all over poor Fiona’s Bruce’s wing collar.

I think some of the celebrities would have normal jobs and be good at it and some would even excel in academia. But there are some who you know got super lucky like Brad Pitt who would probably be working as an unskilled construction worker. Somehow I imagine Charlize Theron would look like her character in Monster and she'd probably work in a field that doesn't demand too much brain focus.

I think some of the celebrities would have normal jobs and be good at it and some would even excel in academia. But there are some who you know got super lucky like Brad Pitt who would probably be working as an unskilled construction worker. Somehow I imagine Charlize Theron would look like her character in Monster and she'd probably work in a field that doesn't demand too much brain focus.

Matt Gaetz - In prison for statutory rape and solicitation. Oh wait, that's going to be real.

Patrick Warburton = contractor with prominent midtown developer. Takes all his top employees out to Yankee Stadium on Father's Day with their kids. Wolfs down four hot dogs and six Budweisers and then heaves them back up in the parking lot. Every. Fucking. Year.

Andy Cohen = accountant for a small landscaping firm in Suffolk County. Announces to the office at large that he hasn't taken his meds at least twice a week.

Bo Burnham = runs unbelievably fucked-up Punch & Judy show for small, sinister "artistic" carnival. Also portrays Dipso the Clown for the carnival's disturbing "Hey-Rube Roundtop". Keeps bags of pot in his clown shoes. Having a three-way with the cat trainer (Katie Perry) and the chicken-headed boy (Timothee Chalamet).

The late Julia Child = Director of a native-plants botanical garden in Santa Barbara. Her addition of an organic cafe with a lunch menu based on French peasant cooking makes it a foodie tourist must.

Damien Hurst = chimney sweep.

Olivia Colman = Dinnerlady. "Do you want mushy peas with that, love?"

Natalie Portman - adjunct professor in the social sciences at a not quite Ivy League university; consistently gets unfavorable reviews from students

Sharon Stone - drunk, bitter, short-haired Westchester housewife who spends her husband’s money in retaliation for his affairs. Secretly loathes her children. Believes she is as smart or smarter than her husband and hates him for that, too.

Also the leader of a clutch of middle aged “mean girls” congregating daily at Starbucks or by the pool at the country club to commiserate over their meaningless lives.

R409 = Mrs Don Gummer

Tom Brady - one of those annoying Service Advisors in the service department at a car dealership who tries to upsell you a bunch of repairs you don’t even need

Danny deVito - cheerful owner of a successful chain of suburban pizza restaurants with high staff turnover because he always tries to grope the waitresses. Has ties to the Mafia which originally funded his business.

Emma Thompson = insufferable Islington-living academic who always has a pet cause to champion and lecture people about. The cause will change every six months or so.

I was at a meat butcher the other day and there was a woman working there that looked just like Danica Patrick - shitty attitude and all. So Danica Patrick would definitely be working at a butcher shop!

Emma Stone would be a nurse. She has nurse-face.

R415 I think Emma Stone would be the sulky receptionist at the doctor’s office who will never give you an appointment and loudly calls out that your STD results are in.

Aaron Taylor-Johnson—sells home appliances & technology at a huge flagship Currys/PC World on some industrial estate outside of Essex.

He’s laidback and fun, but his It Guy colleagues all despise him because he is profoundly stupid, he knows less than nothing about tech (less than the little infant school kids dragged in by their parents), he’s constantly playing mean-spirited childish pranks that aren’t cute or funny, and he gets away with constantly slacking and coming in late on account of the fact he looks Like That.

The managers keep him on regardless of the HR complaints they get and the constant mistakes Aaron makes, because they like to drool over him, and because he upsells successfully to almost any customer who walks in (he is Top Sales of the Month, almost every month). However, his irresponsibility, his stupidity, and his surprising lack of popularity make him impossible to promote far, so he stays out on the floor charming and seducing the punters.

But Aaron is somewhat tangentially aware of his friendlessness, lack of purpose, and lowly status as a corporate drone as well as his special needs, and though he’s intellectually-challenged, still it hurts him like it would anyone. It’s not like he has a partner or a family to go home to, or anything he’s really good at to do in his spare time. He can’t build computers from scratch, or engineer appliances, or organise the running of a store, or play D&D, or make films, or any of the interesting smart things that others he knows do. Sometimes, as a rare gesture of goodwill to appease his coworkers he volunteers to stay on alone to close, and unbeknownst to anyone but the security blokes and the CCTV, he sits silently crying in front of the silent LED screens while an old movie plays in HD.

The Hugh Grant one wins, with Olivia Colman in second

George Clooney - well-dressed Real Estate Agent, constantly trying and failing to break into the social circles of wealthy clients he deals with. Affairs with both sexes never help.

Rupert Everett - Manager of a successful louche Soho gay club which attracts the grand and rough alike. Organised crime who expect a cut of his profits are kept at bay by Establishment patrons, who are fond of the escort service run from within.

Anthony Hopkins - Minicab driver in Wales, fiercely keen on Brexit, his only friend is his dog.

Kristen Bell would be the annoying perky nurse on a children's ward.

Aaron Rodgers -- Paunchy high school history teacher and football coach. Has a "roommate" at home.

Maggie Smith - clever alcoholic wife and haphazard manager of a quite successful alcoholic artist. They have four children, all of whom are also alcoholics. They're all surprisingly happy.

Kenneth Branagh - Physical Education teacher at a boarding school, about whom staff and parents have no concerns. He wanted to be a veterinary surgeon, but wasn't clever enough. Owns a speedboat.

Helen Mirren - BBC TV newsreader who in midlife is moved sideways to afternoon lifestyle shows about the countryside. Contentedly married to a publisher, but her memoirs reveal she once had an affair with an ugly comedian.

Benedict Cumberbatch - pride in running one of the best university drama courses in the country never quite quells his envy when star students dazzle the West End. Ends up beloved, and is awarded a CBE.

Luther Van Dross = drag queen by night, "do you want fries with that?" during the day

Christopher Meloni - manager of a gym in Queens or the hot owner of a neighborhood pizza shop in Canarsie.

Chris is the main reason the pizza joint is so successful. His pizza tastes like cardboard with ketchup on it!

R424, yes I can see that. He has a litter of kids and his wife looks like Mrs. Rossini from Who’s the Boss? and she sits on a stool chatting everyone up. His oldest daughter is a cashier there.

He wears a tight white t-shirt with sauce stains with the sleeves rolled up around his biceps and a white bistro apron. He’s friends with everyone. The fraus and gays both swoon over him while waiting on their calzones.

Aretha would still have been a queen. A welfare queen. Nine children by eight different fathers, including her own. She would have claimed disability benefits on account of being too fat to work and stolen benefits checks from others too.

Queen Elizabeth II -- Her uncle never abdicated and he had his own kids who fell into place at the front of the line of royal succession. The Duchess of York, or Lilibet as her friends call her, is a country lady who raises horses and over the years became extremely close with several of her horse trainers. Her husband Phillip, now deceased, served a long career in the Royal Navy, became an Admiral, then went into business for which he was paid handsomely for not doing anything of value, and had several dalliances with a number of pretty young things during his life. They were both okay with the open marriage. Their four children have never amounted to much.

R424 that’s actually pretty hot, thanks!

Most of them are so dumb that they wouldn't be able to get a real job.

Sha'Carri Richardson:

BJ $5, gimme $6.50 and I throw in anal also. I don't do no kissin'. That be for gay ass homos.

Whitney Houston = a Walgreens pharmacist with a VERY cheery disposition. Belts out a right pretty note at her mother's church, St. Beluah's of the Ever-Loving Flock.

Chris Evans = park ranger. Tells Robert Downey Jr. to quit fucking around and move his van. They wind up having passionate, mind-blowing (for Evans) sex. "You'd better not be here next week," Evans sternly tells Downey once he's buttoned up and Downey has his boxers back on. "Whatever," Downey says, lighting one up.

Jeffree Star = sells homemade sex toys on Etsy.

Shane Dawson = Wilton Manors pizza boy. His boss wonders how he makes so many tips every night and how strange it is that all the customers on that route order extra garlic knots.

Ke$ha = goes through Madonna's garbage the days Madonna cleans out her closet for yet another load of Cyndi's clothes.

Bonnie Raitt = female garage mechanic with clientele who love her. Knows your car better than the people who built it, as long as it predates 1983.

George Lucas = Lab tech at NASA. For fun, he makes recordings of different motel air conditioner systems and samples them into electronic music.

Dolly Parton = owner of Dolly's Diner, a Googie building with curves nearly as outlandish as her own. Seats all the customers herself; if she sees you twice, she's memorized your name. Voted "Best Little Steakhouse in Texas", even though her place is across the state line in Louisiana.

Anne Rice = librarian. Always shooing the kids out of the "adult" section.

The late Harlan Ellison = wiseass NYC-to-LaGuardia cab driver who won't shut the fuck up, hits every pothole and always misses your flight.

Marco Rubio= An aging, Miami party boy (I see you, Marco Rubio). Paul Rudd= My husband. We've been married for ten years, still have great sex, (because, he knew what I was like when he met me). We refer to each other as , "love". Every couple of years, we take a vacation to LGBT-friendly destinations. (P-Town, Palm Springs, Key West). I'm a fortunate man, indeed.

Queen Elizabeth II - runs a laundromat in Slough. Dead tight with money, but likes a flutter on the gee-gees. Ruthless for donating uncollected washing to op shops, which explains the black eye. Useless kids, and cantakerous old hubby blows most of their takings on Ukrainian hookers.

Boris Johnson - Amusement park ride attendant. Has rogered 95% of the female staff, including Olga the bearded lady.

Queen Elizabeth II -- English crime family matriarch. Moody cunt who has never given anything to anyone, but is universally fawned upon. "She's marvellous for her age," they say.. if you consider burying a corrections officer under some bricks marvellous at 95. "We all love you, Mum" the kids say, even though they all hate her guts, and are waiting for her to kick off so they can find where she's buried the cash box.

Wanda Sykes = DMV Customer Service

Kathy Griffin = Low Level Office Assistant

Margaret Cho = Massage Parlor / Doughnut shop owner

Bill Maher = Pushy Jeweler Store Manager

Ricky Gervais = Euro Car Dealer

Steve Martin = Architect

Adam Sandler = Substitute Preschool Teacher / Party Clown

Lily Tomlin = Herbal supplement store owner.

Whoopi Goldberg = Bud Tender at a inner city dispensary

Jim Carrey = UPS Delivery guy

Ella Emhoff: gender studies section librarian.

[R444], I think Lily would be a writer for television comedy.

Margaret Cho would be running her parents' porn shop.

If Obama wasn't a politician, he'd do something in show business. He's clearly obsessed with Hollywood and celebrities.

Candice Bushnell = loud, talentless florist. Tends to throw the finished bouquets as often as she delivers them.

Ramsey Gordon = fryolator cleaner for the Great Golden Duck Chow Chow chain, based out of Little Dorking, Berkshire, UK. Mouth like a trash compactor.

Tom Daley = perky knitting enthusiast with a line in erotic cardigans, which he models himself on OnlyFans. Has a stock display at Elton John's novelty shop. Does erotic pole dancing at the local gay bar and makes a decent wage. Recently bought an above-ground pool, which he considers a luxury item and really enjoys splashing around in it.

Richard Armitage = teaches angling classes on the banks of the River Wye. Instagram buddies with Jake, Downey and Pace. Model for an armpit fetish calendar.

Nadia Stone = broken-down whore with a rotting vagina oh wait.

Christian Bale - corporate middle manager, whose repressed anger makes him no friends, but which makes him the go-to guy for sending jobs overseas and organizing mass layoffs.

Matt Damon - diversity director at the same corporation, who is considering "coming out as trans" and wearing dresses to work, as the only way he'll be able to keep his job.

R262 in the early weeks Styles couples up securely with Rita Ora, and thanks to his cutesy tryhard blundering in challenges and his earnest drippy diatribes saying all the things lovesick viewers want to hear, he seems to be a favourite to win. He’s not smart, sort of milquetoast and quite boring really, but he’s sweet and tolerant and well-intentioned as well as unintentionally funny with his clumsy softboy chav bumbling, so people feel bad criticising him or voting him off.

However, in a SHOCK TWIST he is kicked out of the Villa mid-season, thanks to the arrival of the new lads—in particular one professional fuckboy Jack Grealish, who was essentially put on Earth to win Love Island. Jack immediately poaches Grace Beverley off KSI to form a power couple, despite him wasting not a second to stop snogging all the other girls and diving into bed to roll around having a cheeky fumble with the other lads. Confident himbo Jack just swaggers around knocking people’s cups over, flaunting his arse like he’ll die if he doesnt, and being a total saucepot, and the nation/media is obviously mad for it.

Poor Harry stood no chance.

Naomi Osaka, University student and president of the snowflake union which demands safe spaces, A grades for all students merely in recognition of their willingness to take the course, special courses in social media studies and six figure jobs immediately after graduation.

Judi Dench - homeless bag lady

Kathy Griffin – deeply frustrated dental nurse who abuses the laughing gas out of hours.

[quote]If Obama wasn't a politician, he'd do something in show business.

Deadpan smart stand-up who eventually has a smash-hit sit-com created around him. Occasionally does a beloved cameo in big movies. When invited to the White House, always wonders if he might just have pursued a different route...

Bea Arthur - Career military truck driver. Known to yell out the window, “God’ll get you for that” when someone cuts her off in traffic.

Steve Martin, art professor.

Sting, music teacher.

Kim Kardashian, Beverly Hills madam.

Donald Trump, used care salesman and a failure at that too!

I like to think that Donald Trump would sell used cares, R459.

Jenna Ellis = telemarketer. Fired for crying on the job.

Julia Roberts = Makes gourmet nut butters for farmer's markets. Developing a side line in maple syrup.

Rudy Giuliani = short order cook. Fired for melting on the home fries. Attempts to get job at Four Seasons landscaping company but winds up working at dildo store next door, dressed as their biggest seller, the McRibbed.

Hugh Jackman = hydroponics. Leads summer solstice nude drummer circle in the woods with Lee, Jake, Downey and Evans. Wears antlers to weddings.

Chris Hemsworth = asks Jackman if he can join the nude drummer circle. Downey says "No."

R460, I rather like the typo.

Timothee Chalamet = gas station attendant.

Anne Heche, short-ordered cooked.

Evidently.

R459 Sting, or rather Gordon, was actually once a school-teacher before he became a famous vocalist, wasn’t he?

Afaik he taught English Lit as a specialism, I believe, though he spent a few years teaching a general curriculum to Year 5 & 6 children (9-11 year olds—not sure of the equivalent U.S. grade).

Hence his pseudo-intellectual lyrics. And the creepy video for ‘Don’t Stand So Close To Me’.

Piers Morgan = toilet snake sales rep

Zendaya = school crossing guard who does a weekend construction paper workshop for the local kindergarten

Ice Spice = nail artist

Gavin Newsome = occasional MSPN broadcaster

Rishi Sunak = dentist sued for malpractice

Liz Truss = lettuce

MSPN?

someone posted a link once that had celebs as they'd look as ordinary people. Jlo was hilarious. Fat, PR mamacita..

Prince Harry would be mixing paint at Lowes and screwing it up.

The late Fanny Craddock would be a charwoman at a two-star London hotel, where she would famously pronounce the word "lavatory" with a French accent.

The late Millicent Rogers would be running a Dude Ranch in Santa Fe and gang-banging the Native grooms.

The late Princess Lee Radziwill would be a voice artist for Mid-Century Disney "dark period" Minnie Mouse cartoons.

The late Pamela Harriman would be a docklands whore known as Holland Tunnel.

The late Audrey Hepburn would still be the face of UNICEF, because, well, just look at her.

Beyoncé: trophy wife for some black low level politician, probably owning a few hair salons in the county outside the urban metropolis in which they live.

Bradley Cooper: investment banker for Goldman Sachs

Steven Spielberg: real estate

R6 People are really projecting because Gwyneth has never had stories about bad behavior with public service workers. People in America are just so envious of virtuous people. It’s so annoying. But yet we love criminals and thieves who are rich because they tell it like it is or are an antihero. A man literally ran into her on ski slopes and is suing her and people are rooting for her to lose. Such haters.

Omg. Teacake IS Blythe Danner.

Angelina Jolie - restorer of vintage motorcycles

Anne Hathaway - linguistics professor

George Clooney - ineffectual but well liked small town mayor

Gwyneth Paltrow - designer of window displays for major department stores

Jennifer Aniston - hotel manager. She also leads the resort yoga classes to keep her hand in.

Jennifer Lawrence - real estate agent.

Rebel Wilson - eccentric magistrate. If the people in the courtroom are well behaved, she will bring out her teacup poodle for them to play with.

Taylor Swift - hard as nails divorce lawyer

Zendaya - popular local bartender

I don’t see that for Jennifer Lawrence, R476. I see her as a hostess at a strip club.