Have you ever been ghosted? Why do people do it?

Yes, I've been ghosted and it's a sucky feeling. I've also ghosted several people over the course of my life, and I can confirm that 99% of the time, the issue is with the ghoster, not the ghostee. When I've ghosted people, it's usually because they inadvertently triggered something in me that was uncomfortable, so I ditched them rather than deal with my own issues. Definitely not healthy, and I try not to do it any more.

In the past year, if anyone has disappeared from my life, I just think, "another COVID victim" and then I move on.

The thing to do is lure them back and then ghost them back in return.

You really do know why, OP. Admit it.

R4 ????

I got ghosted a year ago from a friend I was very close with when I lived in NYC. They just stopped responding to texts. I should not have been surprised, he did admit to me how he just suddenly cuts people out of his life, I should've been more aware. He was a narcissist, he did make me feel better being around him, but then I've realized he was never a real friend at all. It's made me be more careful how I choose and keep friendships now or that some people are only meant to be in your life for a set time. I am more at peace with it now.

[quote]They just stopped responding to texts.

This is why I don't do texts. One of the reasons.

You must have some guess as to why he did this.

R8 I actually don’t know why she did. I can’t help but feel hurt.

DON'T let her back unless it's to teach her a lesson.

Jesus Christ ghosted you, OP?

[quote]Have you ever been ghosted?

God, yes. By lots of guys.

[quote]Why do people do it?

They can't help it.

I ghosted a close friend who kept treating me badly. I made many excuses. The incident that finally broke me was a social humiliation. I realized there was no need to have a conversation because she had been telling me over and over I wasn’t important to her. So I decided to stop being her doormat. My only regret is I didn’t do it sooner.

I would love to meet the mythical gay man who has never been ghosted!

I’ve been ghosted several times. Despite promising first, second, third, and even fourth dates, they never reached out again. While it does mess with your mind and shake your confidence, you never know what the situation truly is. If you notice a trend, maybe that could be helpful to address before you enter other relationships. However, recognize mental health issues are rampant in the gay community, and people have their own ways of dealing with stressors in their lives.

I hate confrontation so don't feel overly bad when ghosted (feel a little bit bad). I just figure that if someone wants me in their life then they will make an effort. If not, then "Oh well". I did try to ghost a really good friend years ago (because I was going through a lot of crap and didn't want to deal with them). They did kind of stalk me, and refused to let me ghost them, and we're best friends now.

I'm actually really glad they didn't give up on me. Just goes to show you that people that want you in their life will put in the effort needed to make it happen. And I adore my friend for refusing to let me cut them out of my life for no good reason. And I may be a tad fearful of a murder/suicide if I do it to them again (kidding 😀, I think).

When people meet me, and if it proceeds to us becoming friends, I warn them. I'm honest that I'm likely to get bored with them, and probably ghost them at some point. Stupidly, people don't believe it, until it happens.

It is horrible when your family or adult child does it.

Doxx her

Yes, someone whom I was very close to, but I later found out, that she ghosted most of her friends, including some of her own children.

Now, she is a lonely old woman.

Don't remember that I have been, but have done it several times.

Thought I was being ghosted once after a period of months with no contact, but just accepted it.

[quote] I hate confrontation so don't feel overly bad when ghosted (feel a little bit bad). I just figure that if someone wants me in their life then they will make an effort. If not, then "Oh well".

This. I m someone who ghosts, especially in the dating world when it has only been a few dates. My reason I that I think there is no great way to tell someone you aren't interested. As much as people say otherwise, it usually does not go over well. I also think that early on, I don't need my flaws pointed out, so I rather be ghosted as well. I have ghosted long term friends, but at that point it's usually a mutual thing.

R21---"(SORRY,) I JUST DON'T THINK WE'RE A MATCH."

Texted or emailed: one short, non-confrontational sentence that relieves you of being the asshole. After that, you never contact or respond to the person as per a usual ghosting.

I was ghosted by a bisexual bipolar. Twice!

[reply 23] that's what you get for going after Bisexuals.

[quote] "(SORRY,) I JUST DON'T THINK WE'RE A MATCH."

I get it, but I still think people say they want candor, but they really do not, even saying something as simple as this. It still hurts peoples feeling a little bit, even if they aren't overly invested. It makes you wonder what's wrong with you. With ghosting, if your first or second date hasn't followed up or scheduled another date, the action speaks the words without having to say them. I wouldn't just ghost someone I was seeing for 3+ months and was in a semi-relationship with. In that case I would pick a huge fight if I wanted to break up, so that the guy I am dating would want to dump me and then I don't feel bad about it.

[quote] In that case I would pick a huge fight if I wanted to break up, so that the guy I am dating would want to dump me and then I don't feel bad about it.

That's so cheesy and manipulative why would anyone want to date you in the first place?

Would you rather hear that you are a terrible kisser, bad in bed, and your dick is too small?

I've been ghosted and have ghosted. This is a very sensitive topic on DL.

IMO, it's better than being stalked and harassed.

I've been ghosted, and I've ghosted certain family members and friends. Why do I ghost?

• I don't like them anymore, but feel guilty, awkward, and nervous about telling them why, or

• I'm having difficulties in my life, but don't want to mention it, or discuss it with them

With the first one, it's typically how either they or I have changed throughout the years (opinions, attitudes, behaviors, beliefs, etc), resulting in my no longer feeling any chemistry with them. They, on the other hand, still want to remain close, and find a way to make that possible.

With the second one, it's my reluctance to tell them about any difficulties (usually financial or job-related), because I fear that they'll reprimand me for making the decisions that caused those problems, and lecture me about what I ought to do to resolve them.

In both cases, I need to learn that I sometimes have to hurt someone's feelings, or get my feelings hurt when discussing these things. The truth is painful, but it is, however, clear and conclusive. I admit that not doing so represents a lack of maturity on my part.

Does it count if it is a toxic family member?

I have noticed in my experience that people who ghost family are almost always Bipolar.

[quote] Despite promising first, second, third, and even fourth dates, they never reached out again.

That's NOT being ghosted. That's just someone deciding they aren't all that into you. Given Grindr and all that, it's just as likely they have a boyfriend they were cheating on and decided that they didn't want it to go any further.

Ghosted is when someone you have been very close to for many years and whom you speak with on a regular (daily or close to daily) basis suddenly shuts down all communication without telling you why and refuses any of your entreaties to explain what the fuck the issue is.

Ghosting is also not drifting apart from someone you were once close to, say a former co-worker, who you see less and less frequently and then not at all.

It's sudden and unexplained and very cruel. I am not sure how someone could do that and I'm very glad I've not had it done to me, though I've known people it's happened to and it truly sucks.

[quote] I’ve been ghosted several times. Despite promising first, second, third, and even fourth dates, they never reached out again.

Yeah, that's not really ghosting.

I'm planning to ghost my self-important brother after he stole expensive things from my father's estate. He's an entitled asshole and I've had enough. He's always treated me like shit, who needs it.

I got ghosted by a guy after sex and I went insane. He stopped taking my calls, wouldn’t talk to me. I saw him waking down the street and I said hi and he ignored me. I threw a beer at his head. Lucky I didn’t get arrested and in retrospect, have no idea why I was so nuts about him. I barely knew him and he had the smallest penis I’ve ever seen.

R25 is an immature asshole.

Oh yes and I have ghosted people.

It is usually having something to do with the ghoster. The more recent one actually reached back out and said they were working on themselves and needed to break away from people for awhile.

I’ve ghosted people for similar reasons or felt they weren’t truly a friend. It was all “my” perception of them not being friends. I was probably wrong about them. Who knows. I’ve also happily ghosted anti-maskers, anti-vaxxers, pro-former guy supporters.

Ask any recruiter/headhunting agency, they're the masters of ghosting people. They must know the answer.

[quote] I got ghosted by a guy after sex and I went insane.... [I]n retrospect, have no idea why I was so nuts about him. I barely knew him and he had the smallest penis I’ve ever seen.

I also got "ghosted" (not really, just one date) by a man with a very small penis. I wasn't broken-hearted. I did discuss the situation with a friend who can psychoanalyze anything based on the smallest bit (no pun intended) of information. She said: He knew he could only get away with that bullshit (very small penis) once.

R32 gets it right.

I ghosted a very close friend who had huge problems in his life and for 2 years I was sharing every bad moment with him. At the end and in a certain moment I felt I couldn't go on like that anymore. His drama was an unbearable burden on me.

I LOVE ghosting people. Getting rid of people who sap the life out of you is a good thing.

OP, as it’s a woman, I suspect you didn’t respond at her beck and call. Women are notoriously flaky (in comparison to men). Don’t let her back into your life if she tries to contact you.

[quote] I got randomly ditched by a friend (J.C.) I’d grown close with.

J. C. = Jesus Christ?

He hasn't deserted you, OP. He's always with you.

Ghosting can be cruel but it can sometimes make you reflect and really think about the faults on your end. People will not listen or pick up on clues that something is not right. Sometimes even discussions don't help. Ghosting someone who was an asshole is the ultimate fuck you and it's a tool that can be should be used to stop a lot of drama. Some couples, some families, get in endless cycles of this and never break free.

R25 is an immature asshole.

Maybe R36, but isn't always easier to break up with someone when you dump them vs. the other way around. You could say I am the asshole or an angel for sparing you the pain. If you think I am the asshole, you dump, you move on and I had already forgotten you before I had picked the fight. Everyone is happy.

Who knows? Most people don't know what motivates themselves much less others.

Yes, by.a guy I went out with twice. we were supposed to go out again. I emailed a few times, and never heard back. I saw him months later on the street while I was on a date. He sent me an email that night telling me he was sorry, but he was into younger guys. And that’s why he never responded to my emails. But he was unemployed, and I was on a date with a doctor when I saw him again. So what the fuck did I care?

R42, you're losing your touch.

^You must have me confused with someone else.

I have a bipolar sister who is very manipulative. She has burned so many bridges that no one in the family will talk to her. We were once close in our 20s-30s but as I get older and wiser I see through her shenanigans. She sees me as someone to talk to about all of her problems that she will not fix and hit me up for money. I don’t make much money but I did buy her a hot water heater. Of course she never paid me back. If I had any problems she would maybe half listen and I can tell she does not care. I just got so fed up one day I just could not speak to her anymore. That was over a year ago and I feel like a huge burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

I ghosted my friends when I moved out of state and went through depression because of some health problems. I didn't have it in me to keep up with them and I would have just brought their energy down. If I move back in the future I'll be looking to reconnect

A childhood friend ghosted me when we got to our thirties. Not only did we grow up together but we moved in together as roommates when we left our parents' houses. He stopped returning my calls when he inherited his father's real estate fortune and built himself a huge house in Connecticut and made a lot of tony rich friends.

A few year later while I still felt bad about him cutting me off without a word after so many decades of friendship he suffered a fatal heart attack. The pain of his rejection immediately lifted and I thought God is good to me. And I'm not even Jewish

Again R47 that's not being "ghosted" it's just a normal part of dating

R25 understands the thing well. And his solution is rather clever and elegant.

For everyone who insists that simple human dignity requires a "Sorry, I just don't think we're a match," there's someone who will respond poorly. Unconcerned with your unilateral finding of no magical connection, suddenly the person you politely tried to rebuff is on the floor grabbing at your trouser cuffs, giving you 300 pouty-faced variants in rapid fire order, "But WHY? WHY don't you want to see me again?"

It all starts simply enough by some explanation that "it was nice to have met you but let's not take this any further" but can end hysterically, or not end until you've blocked all calls and contact and maybe watched over your shoulder in certain places and given thought to a restraining order.

One bad such experience and...ghosting.

Ghosting is a modern version of the Victorian social cut: ignore someone once and it can be taken for an oversight, ignore someone twice and there's still some tiny room for hope, but ignore someone a third time and you are dead to each other.

I have a friend who met a guy online and recently flew across the country to meet him. The way she described him, they sounded like soulmates, but even though she went to visit him for several days, he ghosted her after the first.

I personally stopped caring about being ghosted because it lets me move on with my life. I absolutely refuse to put jump through hoops to prove I’m worth someone’s attention. As for the times I’ve ghosted guys, it’s because they come across as too strong (potentially stalkerish), or they make getting together a hassle. On dating apps, I tend to ghost because I can’t stand endless texting.

I'm being ghosted by the same person who ghosted me before and I pretty much knew this would happen again. Some people are just opportunistic jerks and it's best to not let them get too close to you or make the relationship more than casual.

I ghosted someone too after this person said some pretty racist and unacceptable things and was pretty rude to me.

I was ghosted by someone I was extremely close to for years. Knowing I was a person who struggles with abandonment issues, and always strives for closure, it was a deliberately cruel act on his part. It has kind of ruined my ability to trust anyone.

Only on DL is cutting off someone after one or two dates called "ghosting" R54

In the real world it's known as Dating.

It happens with straight people and lesbians too.

Not sure why it's even an issue.

[quote]Knowing I was a person who struggles with abandonment issues, and always strives for closure, it was a deliberately cruel act on his part.

Or might it have been that it had to be about you and your issues and your rules and your struggles all the time, and the friend somewhere along the line switched from sympathetic to "spare me"?

Absolutely! I lost 60 pounds going from 220 to 160. Since I was no longer funny fat friend my fat friends dropped me because I didn't want to sit around and stuff my face with a bunch of bullshit. Some of these friends included bears: The most judgmental fucks of the gay community: Just because I don’t sit around like an alcoholic drinking and eating cakes and pies doesn’t mean I’m not a good person.

I had a younger co-worker that became a friend (not particularly close due to the age difference mostly). I met his family at restaurants, the occasional movie, etc. I had no reason to doubt his credibility or honesty. However, during the financial crash, he had a balloon mortgage and was on the verge of losing his house, and I got the "I need $10,000 by Friday, can you help?" phone call. He claimed he had money coming in within the month to pay me back, so I decided to help him. He was obviously distressed.

However, when it came time to repay, he only had $9,000 but said he'd pay the remaining $1k back shortly. And then I never heard from him again. No answer to email or phone/text. So there it is.

R61 is at least getting closer, though in true "ghosting" the ghostee truly has no idea why the other person cut off contact.

Here it was clearly about the additional thousand dollars.

I have ghosted in the past where I felt saying anything could result in the person “retaliating” against me either via physical harm or trying to trash my reputation.

I've been on both sides, and both of them had me feeling bad for various reasons. I had to go several friends during the early covid days and I did feel rather immature but quickly got over it when I realized that I had actually done the right thing after reflecting on it for a while. One was for social reasons for someone who was nothing really more than a recurring acquaintance in my life, and the other was with a gay couple for varying reasons. Political differences and aggressive messages from both that seemed demanding and controlling to me had me really torn because I genuinely liked them, but I felt disrespected. I couldn't figure out a respectful way of explaining why I was ending communication, and I couldn't easily keep one friendship while ending the other since they are together. I hated the immaturity of it all, but in the end, I realized I had no other option. I've had to assure other friends that knew about the situation that I would never do that to them and if we had an issue, we would discuss it.

I don’t care so much. I ghost people, too. It usually means they can’t take a hint that I am just not interested in them. I assume the same of somebody who just cuts off contact with me. It usually is not a deeply personal thing. Their just isn’t that interest. It would be more uncomfortable for them to call me and explain why they don’t wish to talk anymore. I know I certainly would not want to tell somebody that. Easier to disappear.

There*

Not "ghosted" exactly, but lately I've done a little experiment with I'd say my closest friend of 15 years, who moved to another coast. We used to text all the time, just shooting the shit. Then I noticed he tended to leave in the middle of an exchange without so much as a "gotta go." Then I realized I was always the one to initiate the chat, and occasionally he wouldn't respond at all. Conclusion, my chitchat may not be entirely welcome. So just to see, I stopped about three weeks ago. And of course no contact since. As experiments go, I got a result. I do factor in that he's the sort of boomer for whom texting is not quite second nature. He'd probably prefer a long phone call or FaceTime, which I hate. Yes, I know – I'm a petty drama queen. Not really, though. He's still my friend, I just don't want to waste my time.

My best pal ghosted me.

He killed himself.

I miss him.

So basically you set yourself up for disappointment R67

Do you do that often, given people tests you know they are going to fail and then feel hurt and offended because of it?

R69 No, but I knew someone like you would be lying in wait to pop up with your stupid "tests" comment. Mind your beeswax, prissy!

So you do it and I'm clearly not the first person who had pointed this out to you.

Got it.

I'm about to ghost someone I've been seeing for a year. Too much drama, I'm exhausted with it all, and I don't want to leave a door open for anything than he could misinterpret. It's kind of a last-resort.

R71 No, because you're a type we see on here, who gets his jollies lurking on threads devoted to personal complaints, for the sole purpose of being a sanctimonious scold. I'm sure you're similarly a treat in real life.

Yes and it sucks. You tiny midget, I hope your hip breaks!

[quote] I ghosted my friends when I moved out of state and went through depression because of some health problems. I didn't have it in me to keep up with them and I would have just brought their energy down. If I move back in the future I'll be looking to reconnect

R51, what will you say to your ghosted friends when you take steps to reconnect?

I am OK without an explanation. I don't really want to hear: you're boring, you're ugly, etc.

[quote]Absolutely! I lost 60 pounds going from 220 to 160. Since I was no longer funny fat friend my fat friends dropped me because I didn't want to sit around and stuff my face with a bunch of bullshit.

[quote]Just because I don’t sit around like an alcoholic drinking and eating cakes and pies doesn’t mean I’m not a good person.

I'm sure it has nothing to do with any change in your attitude toward them, right? Uh huh. Fat people who lose weight and then become obsessed with it are the same as fanatical ex-smokers or AA cult members. You might want to look in the mirror and see past the skinny.

R59 = R77 = single.

I have been ghosted in the past by guys I was dating who just...faded away. I probably did it sometimes as well in my younger days. It was shitty when it happened to me and shitty for me to do it.

It's harder when it's a friend. I have some friends where it's just a case of us drifting apart, but we would still be cordial and be okay with each other if we did see each other.

I can only think of two ghosters who I still wonder about. One was a woman I met doing a play, and she and I became great friends and hung out all the time for a couple of years. She moved a couple of hours away, but we kept in touch. The last time I saw her, she had called because she was going to be in town for the afternoon and asked me to go on errands with her. I did, we had fun, and at the end of the day all was good and we made plans to see each other the next month. I never heard from her again. She never responded to any emails or texts. She isn't on social media that I can find. I worry that something might have happened to her, or if I did something she didn't like and I was oblivious. I don't obsess over it or anything, but I really did like her.

The other was a gay friend I had. We never hooked up even though I know he would have liked to. We spent a lot of years together as friends. We travelled together, he would invite me to his family gatherings. Then suddenly, poof. The last time I saw him was at a party in 2005 or so. He also has no social media. I liked him a lot, even though I knew he had some issues. I miss him as a friend. I don't feel TOO bad since we have mutual friends who have told me they also haven't seen or heard from him in years.

R79, some people just are better at keeping in touch when friends are geographically close. I used to move around a lot (geographically) and it was surprising to find who kept in touch and who didn't.

You used to just lose track of people, which before social media was natural and easy to do. Now, with so many ways to keep in touch, the dynamic has changed.

I'm so self involved tbh I'd never notice if I had or have been ghosted.

[R61], after reading your post I know I will be certain to draw up a contract with anybody I lend that amount of money to. If they won't sign it, then I'll know they have no intention of paying me back. It's terrible that you trusted somebody like that. I can only imagine what else he's done to others.

[quote]You used to just lose track of people, which before social media was natural and easy to do. Now, with so many ways to keep in touch, the dynamic has changed.

That's such an important point R81.

Pre-email (the first instance of someone having a contact point that remained static as they moved about) but especially pre-social media there was little serious expectation that when a colleague went back to grad school across the country or your friend took a job in Cologne that you would remain in contact for long. The former you said goodbye to aware that it would probably be forever, and the latter you made a feeble and short-lived gesture of exchanging a couple cards or letters and vague promises of visiting. Distance doomed things when people worried about the cost of long-distance calls, when there was no Facetime, no Zoom, no way of texting stupid messages when you saw something [photo] that reminded you of the distant friend.

Through the magic of social media I've had old bosses track me down and come visit me 25 years since I worked for them, had reunions with friends I made in the first days of my freshman year in college, and lately have been found by a couple of my best friends from grade school. All of those experiences have been good ones but to be of that time also means that if you went away to college, if you went away where your career took you, if you changed careers and changed cities a couple of times, that you didn't have the same expectation of holding onto everyone. You learned that people loose contact with one another and went their own ways. If by some chance you met them again years later, it was nice (usually), you got to map out one of those abysmal WASPy Xmas letters, a recap of five years or fifteen. And then distance prevented you from having to make too big an effort to stay in touch.

Now there is no excuse but to stay in touch, even if you move nine times in 3 years and give up social media, you know that your distant friend has your sister as a Facebook friend and knows how to put you in touch; your mobile phone, of course, is probably the same number as before all that moving because it's just a number, not a fixed location on a map. It's a different set of expectations and so we end up with *ghosting*, a word that, several sources agree, dates only to 2015. Before "ghosting" it was just some mumbling, if pressed, about how one year you stopped sending holiday cards to save the forests and, well, everything was so busy with the new job and the move and the new boyfriend... Nothing more was expected unless maybe you were a close relative or a roommate who fled town owing everyone lots of money.

Now there are certain obligations that attend relationships: not to ghost, or to not ghost gently, skirting the real reasons with gentle excuses about not having time to focus properly on relationships and other politely ridiculous gentle let downs. And all the while everyone has to be connected to everyone else by SMS, Whatsapp, Telegram, email, and everyone's personal catalogue of social media accounts, all with messaging capabilities.

Some people you just want out of your life or, you like them fine but you're happy not chasing after after them to find out what's new. The implied accountability of social media connections can be a heavy anchor sometimes.

[quote] It's terrible that you trusted somebody like that. I can only imagine what else he's done to others.

I knew lending to friends was fraught, and I also have heard not to lend anything you can't afford to lose, but it still surprised me as it was so out-of-character for him. I'm more sad than mad.

I didn't feel too bad about ghosting/being ghosted the few times it's happened. I could easily see that we didn't have a long relationship in us or that one of us had changed so much that the other couldn't tolerate it. But I still think it's a dick move. I think when there has been affinity it doesn't make sense to just junk the connection. I have a friend who has never lost a friend except to distance (in the old non-social media days) or death. He's rather detached about friendships but would never ghost anyone.

Ghosting is just a kinder way of saying, "I never want to speak to you again".

Why do you think it's kinder, R87? If you just tell them that, they get to think, "Fine, whatever, you're a piece of shit anyway" and move on. If you just disappear, they first go through thinking something might have happened to you with no way to find out because you won't respond to any communication. Then, they get to replay every recent interaction to try to figure out if they said or did something but, again, they'll never get the answer to that, either. Then, finally, they get to the place where they think "Fine, whatever, you're a piece of shit anyway" but it took weeks to get there and made them feel like shit that whole time.

It is not kinder. It is cowardly, immature, and self-serving.

I will share with you all my strangest ghosting encounter. This was about three years ago and there was a guy I met on Instagram who I had a mutual flirtation with. We used to send dirty DMs to each other. Anyway, one day I sent him a booty video that he requested, and he messaged me back that he liked it and wanted more. Before I could even respond he blocked me on all of his social media. It was weird. To this day I have ZERO clue what the fuck happened.

Rejection is protection.

This isn't total ghosting but it might as well have been. There was a guy who worked for my company in Italy in the home office. He was from the states initially but his family moved to Italy when he was in his teens. He met a woman there got married and had a couple of kids. He used to come to New York occasionally to work in our office and we got along really well. We were talking on the phone once when he was in Italy and said the next time he came to work he wanted to stay with me. Now I have to say I found it a bit odd because he could stay in a hotel near the office and not in a town right outside the city where I lived. Still I was overjoyed as he was pretty cute and he sounded so enthusiastic about it. Then a while later we were talking about his upcoming next trip and when I brought up his staying with me and he became very cold and started making excuses. I had to deal with him still because of work but he had turned into an entirely different person and the warmth and friendliness were no longer there.

Now I have no idea why he wanted to stay with me in the first place and then did a complete 180. Was he bi? Did he find me attractive? Did he hear I was gay? But then why would a totally straight guy want to stay with a single man when he could stay in a nice hotel instead? I am very curious as to why this all happened but I'll never know.

[quote] I will share with you all my strangest ghosting encounter. This was about three years ago and there was a guy I met on Instagram who I had a mutual flirtation with. We used to send dirty DMs to each other. Anyway, one day I sent him a booty video that he requested, and he messaged me back that he liked it and wanted more. Before I could even respond he blocked me on all of his social media. It was weird. To this day I have ZERO clue what the fuck happened.

Maybe he was supposed to be in a very committed, monogamous relationship and his partner busted him. Snooped into his phone and saw what was going on.

I took a First Aid class taught by a couple of firemen. One of the firemen (not really attractive) kept paying particular attention to me, looking at me, saying stuff to me. At some point, I had a question and approached him to ask, and he acted like I was going to throw anthrax on him. He was the one zoning in on me, not vice-versa. The only thing I could guess is that he was married and was testing the waters. Me asking him a question felt like a fish on the hook, even though it wasn't. So, he got scared.

not really ghosting, but this one guy in my life, terribly charismatic kept pulling me towards him with one arm and pushing me away with the other.

he gave me just enough rope to hang myself; I was (and never hope to be again) desperate for some masculine energy in my life. One day he's putting me in headlocks (the kind that don't hurt) and calling me buddy; the next he's gone suddenly psycho

It can't be me (and it wasn't) but I should have walked away; I should have been the one to ghost HIM

it didn't play out that way; but he's gone from my life; I blocked him on all social platforms and have seen him twice but just kept walking away, briskly.

Not sure I'll ever trust again; not so much another person, but trust myself; I KNEW he was bad news and I lied to myself that he was not a bad person.

He is.

He's a horrible person.

Only by people I’m casually seeing. It always bothers me when they are dishonest and act like they want a relationship when all they want is sex a few times. Just be honest if you want sex and nothing more. I don’t like head games.

As this thread shows, "ghosting" means so many different things to so many different people.

Being ghosted after a first date (or even a second date) is to me absolutely nothing like being ghosted by a friend of long-standing, or by a family member, or by a longstanding romantic partner.

And being ghosted completely out of the blue (and yes, it does happen) by a longstanding romantic partner or a family member is very different from being ghosted by someone after longstanding troubles and fights in your relationship.

It pretty much happens to everyone at some point or another, and if it's someone you have a real attachment to, being ghosted usually breaks your heart. But there are times when it can feel necessary if you don't know how to extricate yourself from a relationship of one kind or another, especially if you're immature and don't know how to handle other people's emotions, or if you feel you are in a genuinely abusive relationship. But even then you need to be aware you will be causing heartache, and will not be easily forgiven (if at all) if you change your mind.

When I was younger and in the dating scene, or meeting new friends more quickly, I learned quickly not to get close to people if they admitted they frequently ghosted people--it's a real warning sign the person will likely ghost you one day.

Some people are just users. They'll be friends with a person, until someone "better" comes along

I notice this mostly with younger people -- conflict-averse and lack of assertiveness, I think.

some kid in LA, aspiring actor was all buddy with me, asking about contacts, how I could help him pursue acting; I admired his persistence; then one day he starts asking when I came out, did I know a good shrink

ummm...not sure if he was coming gout; I tried to be supportive; once he felt I couldn't help him anymore he started pulling back.

I thought I'm not going to be that older guy hanging out a confused 'straight.' kid.

See ya.

I never had a friend ghost me but I had a friend start treating me like shit when she got what she could out of me. We worked together and I got her the job because I thought we were actually friends. She became a supervisor after I helped her with her really awful resume and singled me out and treated me like she hated me. She didn’t want me to quit though I’m not even sure what kind of insanity was at play there. I quit and have cut off all contact.

100!

R52's was hilarious!!

I think ghosting is sometimes about a fear of intimacy, and conflict. People just don’t want to deal with the discomfort of directly being the rejector - which makes them feel guilty - so they unplug without giving notice.

The healthiest thing would be to give a reason, explain your position, and listen - but we’re often lazy.

It doesn’t really help you as a person to take shortcuts, though. Even if being honest seems excruciating.

First, it's not ghosting if you both just don't talk to each other (mutual ghosting, aka not ghosting) and neither person initiates contact. That's just both parties realizing they don't want to pursue anything more. That's sort of a relief, really.

If someone reaches out and I'm not interested in pursuing anything further, I at least have the decency to do R22's "I don't think we're a match" and leave it at that. I would not give specifics as to why, even if asked, because that isn't going to lead to anything good. I don't buy this Gen Z attitude of "if I don't feel like responding, I just don't." It's still another human, and I believe a polite message saying no thank you is more decent than totally ignoring the person.

I have been ghosted but only after a date or two. I didn't care that much, but I still think it's an asshole thing to do. It's totally inexcusable when you've had the person in your life (romantically or otherwise) for a while and in a meaningful way. Even if you're having mental health issues, even if it's hard to say, at least give the person the decency of not ghosting.

I've never been straight up ghosted by a close friend or lover, but I have been faded on (minimal, delayed responses, leaving you unsure how the other person perceives the relationship) to the point where it seems obvious that something has changed, but it's unclear whether the person still wants you in their life to some extent (or not). THAT sucks. I'd almost rather be cut off entirely. I think of fading as analogous to ghosting, done by people too scared to just be direct.

I think that if it's unclear if a person still wants you in his life it's clear he doesn't. It sucks to admit that to yourself.

R104 I would agree with you completely with dating, with friends (men and women) sometimes I think it is less clear.

I think ghosting while dating is a little different than ghosting a friend or sadly, family.

Ghosting after casual dating/sex - you were on the menu and either they didn't like you or not enough. Or they weren't looking for long term. Ghosting after a prolonged dating relationship - chicken shit. Have the fucking conversation even if it's on the phone. Dicks,

Ghosting a friend - this is tricky. Sometimes you try to have talks with your friend about their issues but some people just don't listen. They don't pick up on subtle hints about the relationship, for example, how it's one sided, how they were not there for you, how it's all about them. Then you confront them and they get defensive and make it all about you and your shortcomings. You're terrible. This leaves little recourse. Sometimes you have to let them fade away. Other times a friendship runs its course. You stop hanging around the same people, or the common ground or interests you had, aren't there anymore. Maybe they moved away, or are in a relationship and you can't relate. They don't reach out, and neither do you. That just happens. You don't have to try so hard to hold onto things that weren't meant to be forever.

Ghosting family - again - chicken shit. Have the conversation.

R32, I got (sort of) ghosted by a best friend after I had a bad go of things. She sounds like a lot like you. Curious to know what you'd do in this situation:

We'd been best friends for a decade. Just instant soul mates. Then, in a very small window of time, I turned into a total mess. Lost my boyfriend, found out my business partner was stealing, and was dealt a terrible family blow. In about a month. I went dark. Very dark. My friend, who wasn't great at others BS (and she was upfront about this) basically said: Get your shit together or we're no longer friends. Of course, it's more complicated than that, but that's the gist.

I heard her. I really did. And she was right. It was the tough love I needed to hear. And I did get my shit together! It took me about nine months, but I turned that horrible year around. When I reached back out to her? Nothing.

Again, she wasn't just a good friend. She was so much more. At any rate, I was devastated. Really thought we had a special sort of bond. But that was that. Had to accept it. I did. Moved on.

But I did learn a few things.

First? I ALWAYS listen to what people say in regards to how they treat their friends, exes, etc. at the very beginning of a friendship - even if what they're saying is joking or playful in tone or if the stories about a ghosted friend makes the new friend seem the sympathetic jilted ex friend. If it's always someone else's fault? I won't become good friends with that person.

Life is too short to commit to people and then have them turn on you and leave if you hit a rough patch.

My close friends? The ones I've had for years and years (other than the lesbian friend)? It's just not like that with us. I guess the kids call it ride or die. That's who I want in my life for my second and third acts.

Ghosting friends really is for pussies. If you really want to move on from a friend? Just send them an email saying so.

Yes, as often as people out there seem to think that long-term lovers ghost, that hasn't been common with me or my friends. It's more the platonic friends who pull this shit (ghosting or drastically withdrawing). R106 is right that sometimes you do try to talk to the person and they don't listen, but with one friend, I honestly do not know what happened, and there were no warning signs. The people posting above that it's usually an issue with the ghoster and not ghostee are probably right, but in the absence of anything to go off, I think most people just blame themselves and think they must have done something. It sucks and sticks with you.

R106, one more thing, I think that if both friends out, then that's not ghosting. I've had dozens of friends where, upon one person moving away or getting a new job, I don't reach out to the person anymore, and the person doesn't reach out to me either. It's kind of a mutual understanding.

Have you ever hung out with someone before you were going to move away or the other person was going to move away and you both do the "hey, I'll see you next time I'm here" or "we'll keep in touch" but you get that sense that it's probbbbbbably not going to actually happen and you both know it? That's what I'm talking about.

[quote] If you just disappear, they first go through thinking something might have happened to you with no way to find out because you won't respond to any communication. Then, they get to replay every recent interaction to try to figure out if they said or did something but, again, they'll never get the answer to that, either. Then, finally, they get to the place where they think "Fine, whatever, you're a piece of shit anyway" but it took weeks to get there and made them feel like shit that whole time

Exactly! You actually get it. This why you ghost. Especially with family or long time friends, most have said their reasons or piece multiple times as to whatever the issue is and they are not being heard or ignored. This will give the ghostee space to think about all the many ways they have been an asshole. If it takes weeks of consideration, they there must be a lot they don't feel good about.

Maybe I should say it's the kindest way for the ghoster to tell someone they never want to speak to them again, with just a little twist of the knife for good measure.

I have ghosted a few people. The one time I gave someone an explanation, he lashed out at me so viciously that he destroyed all possibility of my ever wanting to resume the friendship. He tried to reconnect several times afterward, but I will never respond.

Another time, I was very angry and needed time to cool off; 5 years, as it turned out. But we did resume the friendship, and if she asks for an explanation, I'll give it to her.

Twice I've ghosted relatively recent friends, for the same reason - their partners were jealous and possessive and were sabotaging the friendships - torpedoeing plans, commitments, etc. I knew that this would never change, so I just dumped them.

I've had people flip out after telling them that I no longer had interest in speaking with them, sure, but the way I look at it is that your obligation is fulfilled after you politely cut them off. You no longer respond after that, whether they flip out or no. I still think it's the right thing to do if there's been any sort of human connection established.

I do see why people choose to ghost because it usually avoids any flip out and let's be honest, it's hard to work up the nerve to straight-up tell someone no thanks. And "I don't think we're a match" is not THAT hard to type.

[quote]R111 Twice I've ghosted relatively recent friends, for the same reason - their partners were jealous and possessive and were sabotaging the friendships - torpedoeing plans, commitments, etc. I knew that this would never change, so I just dumped them.

Why couldn’t you tell the friends that on the way out the door?

I met this gallery owner and since I was a friend of the artist he was featuring, he apparently thought I was going to buy a bunch of paintings. He was all over me with "let's meet up each week," and so on, and I thought he was fun, but some of his mystical opinions made me feel like he was crazy. I think my artist friend--who is an honest good guy--set him straight about my financial status and boom! got ghosted by Mr. Gallery. Good. Rejection is protection is right in this case. He was probably a loon and certainly not being genuine with me.

I ghosted my mother.

[quote]I've had dozens of friends where, upon one person moving away or getting a new job, I don't reach out to the person anymore, and the person doesn't reach out to me either. It's kind of a mutual understanding.

The weirdest ghosting I ever experienced was when I tried to do this twice with the same lady. She would be gone for long periods of time and I'd call and leave a message and she didn't respond, and I was fine with it. The first time, her sister ran into me at a store and insisted repeatedly that I contact her, so I did, and we reconnected, but then she moved away for good a year later. This time I called her to see if she had gotten settled in and she was having a party, I'm assuming a welcome party, so I said I'd call her back and she insisted she was not having a party at all. I could hear people asking her where the ice was! It was incredibly awkward and I finally managed to get off the phone. Didn't call her again but she started emailing, saying she wanted to get together when in town, then she'd come into town and not call and then pretend later she hadn't been here at all.

All this time I'm confused because I am not contacting her or wanting to get together at all, she's wanting to get together with me, initiating contact, then ghosting me, over and over again. Finally I emailed her a note to ask why she was doing this and she stopped talking to me altogether.

Which would have been fine but I ran into friends for years later who said they'd just talked to her and she had told them I said hi! Once she'd told someone my parents had just been on vacation and I had to tell them no, my parents had died! WHAT even the HECK was going on with her?

I ghosted a friend of mine who loved Broadway musicals. He was insufferable. Sometimes when someone would ask him a question, he’d answer it with a lyric from a Broadway song or a movie musical. He would interrupt conversations with anecdotes about his favorites. We could be speaking about automobiles or politics and if he didn’t like it, he’d say, “Well, I don’t know ANYTHING about that topic!”. He would pout about it until someone would ask him about his favorite subjects.

He was also a two pack a day smoker. He’d get furious with his partner and friends who tried to get him to quit, including me. He developed COPD or whatever you call it. Yes, a very difficult man. His partner left him for a younger man of Asian descent, whom he mockingly nicknamed “Pearl Harbor”. He was a great cook and could be funny, but talk about WORK. He said something offensive to me about black people and called him on it. Instead of apologizing, he told me that I should accept him as he was because of his generation (he was twenty five years my senior). I was going through own problems and just stopped contacting him. I blocked him on Facebook, my phone and his email address. I simply couldn’t cope. Two years ago I saw him walking down the street. He said hello and I viciously ignored him. He even sent me a card which I marked Return to Sender. Childish and mean, I know. He died last year. I found out that he asked about me! Not all his friends abandoned him and a mutual acquaintance told me that he asked about me a few weeks before he died…and I still struggle with guilt for abandoning our friendship. But he was a difficult, prejudiced man. It was the right thing for me to do at the time, in retrospect.

I have been ghosted before myself and know how corrosively demoralizing it can be.

R11 Joan Crawford

R117 There must have been a lot you liked about this guy to hang out with him for as long as you apparently did. Sure sounds like there were a lot of red flags.

'Pearl Harbor'

That is very mean and very funny.

I ghosted nearly everyone I knew at the beginning of 2020. I’d been thru hell at work—was the whistleblower with regards to a corporate accounting scandal and was fired. Whistleblowers will always get fucked, btw. Was depressed & just couldn’t face anyone after. Then lockdown happened, which was so perfectly timed bc it made it easier for me to hide.

Now it’s nearly a year and a half later and I’m still a ghost. Every now and then someone will reach out by text but if I respond at all, I’m deliberately vague. I have no desire to rekindle any of those friendships.

I ghosted a lot of good people that were good friends to me & I dunno even know why.

I'm pretty sure i've been ghosted by my friend of over 30 years. We were even roommates at one time. My friend moved to a different state and we've managed to keep in touch through emails, phone calls, etc. Then this past year, the emails stopped. I'm at that point that i only want people in my life that want to be in it. If you don't, thats fine too.

Ghosting gallery owner suddenly sends me an email that he has a show coming up of his own work! I took great pleasure in ignoring it. What ghosts around, comes around.

[quote]What ghosts around, comes around.

Bravo! Don't know if that's original, but it is to me. W+W!

By my daughter.

R125, I finally have to block you and your f-ing non-sense of humor. Can it, cunt.