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Going home alone

I'm going 'home' next week.

Flying across the country to get some of my late mother's possessions -- scrapbooks, journals, a wedding album, a few other items. All the stuff only a gay son would want. (They're all in a storage unit that's being closed up.)

She died a year ago during covid alone in a hospice and while I'm double vaxxed we still don't know about variants. I don't expect to see a lone sibling or his family or cousins when I arrive in town. They are playing it safe until we know more. Can't say I blame them. It's not safe for them yet and it's not safe for me either.

I'm going to fly in, rent a car, get the stuff, hit a few old haunts from a distance, go to the cemetery and go past the old family house, see the ocean -- I was going to try to do it in one day but that's not allowing for flight delays or other things I can't plan. So it'll be a weekend.

I'm just hoping I can hold it all together. It's going to suck being there alone but would suck even more if I were with people I'm not close to.

Wish me luck.

by Anonymousreply 43Last Friday at 7:34 PM

Good luck, OP, really. Sounds like your father predeceased your mom?

Take it easy on yourself. Treat yourself to something if you can afford it.

by Anonymousreply 105/21/2021

Hope it goes ok for you op. You sound like a good person.

by Anonymousreply 205/21/2021

Oh, God, yeah, R1

By over 50 years. So the one saving grace is that they're together finally, but these days I'm of the 'one and done' there's no afterlife ilk.

I mean, what? everyone is out there floating around forever?

I am flying on miles and one night is a freebie in a hotel with points from past visits; I'll run up close to 2 grand what with a rental car, one hotel night, and meals and such. But there's no sales tax where I'm going for clothes so maybe I'll hit a store.

Outside of a memorial that we may have this year or next, it'll be my last trip home ever; partially financial but also there are no close family ties. Dad's early death was something we never really survived.

by Anonymousreply 305/21/2021

For something like this, I feel I would want to go at it alone instead of with someone. I would think it would be easier to get through the weekend on your own. Grieve if you must of course on your own terms.

Good luck OP, I hope it goes well for you.

by Anonymousreply 405/21/2021

R3 Sympathies for your loss and the bittersweet task of cleaning up and clearing out your mother’s belongings. Take some time for yourself and best of luck.

by Anonymousreply 505/21/2021

thanks everyone

I'm going to hit this little hamlet up the coast of Maine we used to go to when I was a kid.

My mom and her sister and I would go there and after her sister died, just mom and me; I darkly quipped one time to her: It's going to be a real bitch coming alone here someday.

I'm about to find out.

by Anonymousreply 605/21/2021

This is heartbreaking, I really feel for you.

by Anonymousreply 705/21/2021

thanks R7

I talked to a friend today who lost a parent to non COVID stuff; they were able to have a recent memorial as everyone had been double vaxxed over two weeks ago. He talked about all the love and the sharing and the caring.

I was happy for him, but sad for me.

my sibs and I were never close; Dad's death put a nail in the coffin of our family.

This was all back in the 70s when people didn't talk about their feelings.

if I survive this trip and make it back to the west coast okay, I'll consider it a miracle.

I'd like a little happiness in act 3; I hope I find some.

by Anonymousreply 805/21/2021

OP, I’m not close to my siblings. Not everybody is close to their siblings. It takes 2 to be close, so don’t blame it all on yourself.

by Anonymousreply 905/21/2021

Sorry for your loss OP.

by Anonymousreply 1005/21/2021

OP = Thankfully you have turned your "sorrow" into an ATTENTION WHORE MOMENT for YOURSELF.....Did you get banned from FB?...By the way--a YEAR?....The place has probably been burglarized or overrun with squatters...

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 1105/21/2021

R11 You could have just scrolled by, couldn’t you, but then you had to turn this into something tawdry.

by Anonymousreply 1205/28/2021

[quote]while I'm double vaxxed we still don't know about variants

I don't mean to sound callous at a bad time but this is ridiculous. The Pfizer and Moderna vaccines in particular offer protection against every variant known to date and that's not likely to change.

by Anonymousreply 1305/28/2021

What R13 said - variants would have little, if any, impact on effectiveness at this point.

by Anonymousreply 1405/28/2021

Maybe I missed the bigger point of the trip, but if there's not one... Fuck it, I would arrange for the the local Mailboxes, Etc. (or equivalent) to collect the things, box them, and ship them to you.

It's just sentimental stuff that you will look at just once then stick it all back in a box and never open it again.

by Anonymousreply 1505/28/2021

^If by bigger point you meant his humanity, then yes, you missed it.

by Anonymousreply 1605/28/2021

R13: We ignored your unsolicited advice elsewhere on this forum. Stop spreading your propaganda.

by Anonymousreply 1705/28/2021

OP, I'm also from Maine, and I also lost my Mom last summer there.

I also had to deal with the gathering of belongings and the dealing with family, whether or not they showed up.

I echo what others have said. Once you are done, make sure you do something fun for yourself - even if it's a picnic in your favorite park, or a drive through the coast. This is a beautiful time of year to go home.

by Anonymousreply 1805/28/2021

I eat piles of old people's excrement!

by Anonymousreply 1905/28/2021

This doesn't smell right. OP is double vaxed and writes as if he is entering a high risk ebola zone. Not even visiting a sibling?

OP has not been listening to the messaging about risk.

Now if he doesn't want to see the sibling, for some reason, fine. But blame it on risk? No. He could sit in a garden and there is zero risk.

by Anonymousreply 2005/28/2021

I'm double vaxed, I've been back to work since last July, and I have been working with the public , in a limited way, since March (I got my 2nd shot the end of April). I have been pretty careful, but I do go grocery shopping.. The only time I felt unsafe was that 5 weeks or so between starting to work with the public and my 2nd shot. OP, you sound more like the way people were a year ago.

by Anonymousreply 2105/28/2021

OP may be a bit older, it seems.

by Anonymousreply 2205/28/2021

If OP's dad has been dead for 50 years.....ya think, R22?

by Anonymousreply 2305/28/2021

R23 Depends on when his dad died.

by Anonymousreply 2405/28/2021

Safe travels, OP. At sunset, play this song as the sun sets and let it all go, honey.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 2505/28/2021

Hey, all...OP here, I'm back I scrolled through various remarks and posts.

I appreciate the supportive ones and the ones who are just plain nasty and judgemental and who aren't walking in my shoes,, I hope you find love in your life and learn how to be compassionate, but I'm not holding my breath.

A few thoughts: Dad died when I was a toddler so, while I'm old I'm not on social security just yet. I take solace in knowing that the parents are reunited; my mom had decades without him and they were in love.

His death led to the family being dysfunctional; there was only one sibling back home and he was out of town for the long weekend. His wife is every stereotype you could imagine; distant, cold, CRITICAL; my mom had to refrain from laying into her after she'd repeatedly chastise him in front of his family and his kids.

I almost yelled at her once myself: "Geez, you should leave him! You can do so much better in life! Clearly, he's a loser because he doesn't put the dishes away correctly or has two many shirts!!"

One time, sister in law snapped at my brother and he snapped right back; she backed down. My mom did fist pumps the whole ride home, thrilled he finally fired one back at her.

I don't feel so bad about being alone.

So, I went and did a lot. I got like 95% of the stuff I wanted. My brother left it in the garage that was open. A neighbor yelled out his name to me when I was getting the stuff; I said I'm the brother; oh, you look just like him.

I visited the cemeteries of my parents and grandparents. It was the first time I saw her date on the tombstone. That really drives it home.

I drove past my old house. It's odd to still some minor cosmetic changes...a tree in the backyard; a fence that wasn't there before.

As for the vaccines and safety, I tend to err on the side of caution. Sure, I know in my head that I'm safe, but we DID get a lot of misinformation and changing information last year. A lot.

Some businesses were fine without masks; others, insisted on it. I had to wear one on the plane ride both ways.

I'm exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally and will take the advice of the poster who suggested I do something nice for myself. Though, in part, that's what I did by going home.

Great song, R25; wish I'd seen it before.

I did play How It Ends a lot.

It rained the whole time, which I actually preferred.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 2605/31/2021

R15, there's always the risk of looking at sentimental stuff once and never again; but I have a Portal; I can upload all the photos and they'll play on a loop.

Technology is wonderful

by Anonymousreply 2705/31/2021

Use gadgets like smartphones and tablets to create an illusion of loved ones being nearby while you go through your mom's stuff.

by Anonymousreply 2805/31/2021

a small bookcase I shipped from the east coast arrived today; my mom told me once that it belong to my father when he was a kid or young adult still living in his parents' home and I grew up with it in my room so....it had lots of sentimental value

It arrived undamaged (yay!) and was a bitch to unbox and unwrap only because they'd done such a great job of packing it up at the UPS store.

I'm loading the shelves now with photos and treasured items; it's very emotional.

by Anonymousreply 29Last Monday at 9:30 PM

bless u, i did the same thing, bittersweet but still sweet memories.

by Anonymousreply 30Last Monday at 10:02 PM

Glad you checked back with us on DL, OP. Sounds like things went well. Good to know UPS does such a good job packing & shipping stuff!

Don't expect to automatically "heal" and feel better right away. This has been a lot to process.

Let us know what cool thing you did for yourself as a reward for all of this!

Take care, OP!

by Anonymousreply 31Last Monday at 10:19 PM

R30 and R31 u give me hope

by Anonymousreply 32Last Monday at 10:28 PM

OP, I'm know that it was a hard trip but now you have the family treasures that you wanted. They will be a comfort to you. You got through it and now you can do nice things for yourself. Baby yourself.

by Anonymousreply 33Last Monday at 10:47 PM

I was going to mock you and your very frau style of writing. But then you played Devotchka and now I must love you.

by Anonymousreply 34Last Monday at 10:55 PM

thanks R34, I do get a little too emotional at times; it's me greatest strength and greatest weakness.

by Anonymousreply 35Last Thursday at 10:34 AM

This sounds like the saddest gay movie ever made.

by Anonymousreply 36Last Thursday at 10:41 AM

lol; that actually made me laugh, R36

I need to laugh more; thanks!

by Anonymousreply 37Last Thursday at 10:55 AM

It’s cool you got a bunch of free stuff, OP!

by Anonymousreply 38Last Thursday at 11:15 AM

I'm so sorry, OP. I had to do this recently and it wasn't any fun.

Just try to get through the day as best you can, you'll do fine.

by Anonymousreply 39Last Thursday at 11:33 AM

Thanks, R39

I'm back 'home' -- I guess where I moved to all those years ago is home now that Mom is gone.

I brought most of the stuff back with me; the most treasured stuff came in the carry-ons; other stuff in the checked bag.

The boxes I shipped all arrived and everything made the trip.

I'm incredibly lonely, but am also at peace somewhat...I know my parents are reunited in an afterlife (if there is one; most days, I think there isn't. I do know she's out of pain.)

by Anonymousreply 40Last Thursday at 5:55 PM

Funny story, OP.

I recently had a psychic reading and at one point in the reading she very seriously explained to me that my parents were separated.

I almost laughed out loud. Thank God, I told her. They were a complete nightmare together and had divorced years before their deaths.

If your parents had a happy marriage, they are definitely together. Your mom is out of pain, and that's a wonderful thing.

by Anonymousreply 41Last Friday at 5:22 PM

Psychics suck

by Anonymousreply 42Last Friday at 5:26 PM

R41, that's not lost on me and I appreciate you sharing. I'm sorry your parents didn't get along. I do have memories going back to five years old and even younger. I know some people can't remember that far back; I can.

I do know they were happy from my own memories and more importantly, from my mother's recollections. A friend of her older sister's said at the time of my father's death -- there are some women who'd trade places with your sister, gladly.

I thought that was harsh, but perhaps true, at least from this woman's perspective.

It was horrible growing up watching my mom be in so much pain; being a single woman in a couple's oriented society.

She told me once she'd go to her friends' kids' weddings -- and kids got married earlier then, like in their 20s. So my Mom is early 50s and she's at, what she called, 'the widows' table' with 6 women who are all in their mid to late 70s- plus.

It wasn't like TV where Abby comes along on Eight is Enough and, despite her advanced degrees, marries a balding middle-aged man with 8 kids; and she befriends them all and even wins over Tommy by finding that ee cummings book of poetry his mom bought him.

Or on KNOTS LANDING where Karen meets Mac, who becomes Eric and Michael's buddy; especially Michael; Michael used to read the obits after his dad Sid died and pointed out people who died who were even younger than his father; that's how he chose to deal with his grief.

Sorry, I'm rambling and clearly escaped into too much TV in my life.

Yes, they're together -- if you believe in all that; I do some days; others, not so much.

by Anonymousreply 43Last Friday at 7:34 PM
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