Hey, all...OP here, I'm back I scrolled through various remarks and posts.
I appreciate the supportive ones and the ones who are just plain nasty and judgemental and who aren't walking in my shoes,, I hope you find love in your life and learn how to be compassionate, but I'm not holding my breath.
A few thoughts: Dad died when I was a toddler so, while I'm old I'm not on social security just yet. I take solace in knowing that the parents are reunited; my mom had decades without him and they were in love.
His death led to the family being dysfunctional; there was only one sibling back home and he was out of town for the long weekend. His wife is every stereotype you could imagine; distant, cold, CRITICAL; my mom had to refrain from laying into her after she'd repeatedly chastise him in front of his family and his kids.
I almost yelled at her once myself: "Geez, you should leave him! You can do so much better in life! Clearly, he's a loser because he doesn't put the dishes away correctly or has two many shirts!!"
One time, sister in law snapped at my brother and he snapped right back; she backed down. My mom did fist pumps the whole ride home, thrilled he finally fired one back at her.
I don't feel so bad about being alone.
So, I went and did a lot. I got like 95% of the stuff I wanted. My brother left it in the garage that was open. A neighbor yelled out his name to me when I was getting the stuff; I said I'm the brother; oh, you look just like him.
I visited the cemeteries of my parents and grandparents. It was the first time I saw her date on the tombstone. That really drives it home.
I drove past my old house. It's odd to still some minor cosmetic changes...a tree in the backyard; a fence that wasn't there before.
As for the vaccines and safety, I tend to err on the side of caution. Sure, I know in my head that I'm safe, but we DID get a lot of misinformation and changing information last year. A lot.
Some businesses were fine without masks; others, insisted on it. I had to wear one on the plane ride both ways.
I'm exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally and will take the advice of the poster who suggested I do something nice for myself. Though, in part, that's what I did by going home.
Great song, R25; wish I'd seen it before.
I did play How It Ends a lot.
It rained the whole time, which I actually preferred.