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Let's Be The Next Woody Allen Movie!

I'm Zelda, the winsome ingenue of "She'll Take Manhattan!"

I'm a sophomore at Columbia who's madly in love with my elderly Creative Writing professor until I meet an even older and more distinguished European art film director! Because old self-absorbed men are catnip to hot young things like me.

Of course, no 19-year-old in the real world is named "Zelda," but it sounds literary and kinda classy and Woody is 85. He hasn't actually spoken to a 19-year-old since 1989.

by Anonymousreply 75January 17, 2022 7:56 PM

I'm ScarJo, Woody Allen loyalist, grimly discovering that I am way too old to be playing love interests in Woody Allen movies.

by Anonymousreply 1May 9, 2021 3:00 AM

I'm the attic where a flashback scene takes place when Zelda was six and she was digitally penetrated by her father.

by Anonymousreply 2May 9, 2021 3:01 AM

I'm the financing. Without me, you're nothing.

Maybe think about that the next time you want to eat a three year old's pussy.

by Anonymousreply 3May 9, 2021 3:02 AM

I’m Development Hell and hopefully I’ll stay there.

by Anonymousreply 4May 9, 2021 3:02 AM

I'm Tony Roberts.

Why did Woody stop returning my phone calls? I'm no more wooden and lifeless an actor now than I was around ANNIE HALL.

by Anonymousreply 5May 9, 2021 3:03 AM

I'm Mia and Company, starting once again to begin the Noise Machine of lies and subterfuge.

I'm Mia's dried-up cunt.

I mean "Ronan."

by Anonymousreply 6May 9, 2021 3:05 AM

I'm unfunny jokes about "rap music" (changed from "heavy metal" in a previous draft) that the cast and crew keep praying he will cut.

by Anonymousreply 7May 9, 2021 3:08 AM

In case you get a big Woody for inclusion, my next movie will not have the word ‘Woke’ in the title or its casting.

by Anonymousreply 8May 9, 2021 3:09 AM

I’m the aging starlet playing Allen’s wife. I am half his age, but still a few decades older than the starlet playing his mistress.

by Anonymousreply 9May 9, 2021 3:10 AM

I'm "Harvard," Zelda's buffoonish but sexy and more age-appropriate boyfriend at Columbia.

I make an appearance to fulfill Allen's weird Ralph Lauren/WASP obsession, but disappear around the 30-minute mark.

by Anonymousreply 10May 9, 2021 3:12 AM

I'm the Gershwin soundtrack.

by Anonymousreply 11May 9, 2021 3:22 AM

I am Joan, a sarcastic blunt chain-smoking mess of a friend to Allen and his much younger starlet wife. My character will have dinner with Allen and his wife a couple of times, while making harsh observations about the supporting characters.. Then I'll end up having a romance with one of their neighbors or one of Woody's colleagues, maybe Alan Alda or Alec Baldwin.

by Anonymousreply 12May 9, 2021 3:22 AM

I'm white Windsor Light Condensed font over a black background in the opening and closing credits.

Woody pretty much owns me by now.

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by Anonymousreply 13May 9, 2021 3:26 AM

I'm Orchid, the shrill, Xanax-popping, panic-stricken harridan written as a thinly-veiled salvo in the endless war between Mia and Woody. Once upon a time, I would've been played by the likes of Cate Blanchett.

by Anonymousreply 14May 9, 2021 3:45 AM

We're Woody's daughters and we are around 20 years old. OP can kiss our asses.

by Anonymousreply 15May 9, 2021 3:56 AM

^^ hymenless, no doubt.

by Anonymousreply 16May 9, 2021 4:10 AM

[quote]R15 We're Woody's daughters and we are around 20 years old. OP can kiss our asses.

Has he pressured either of you to play his much, much, much younger mistresss??

by Anonymousreply 17May 9, 2021 4:11 AM

I'm the phantom first version of SEPTEMBER.

[quote]According to Mia Farrow's autobiography "What Falls Away", Woody Allen filmed two or three versions of every scene, took all of the footage into the editing suite, cut the film together and then decided that he hated it. He then rewrote the entire script, fired and recast virtually every major part, and re-filmed the entire thing. This meant that he doubled his production costs and came in well behind schedule. Allen was reportedly keen to do it all again for a third time.

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by Anonymousreply 18May 9, 2021 4:53 AM

I'm both piquant and Bergman-esque!

by Anonymousreply 19May 10, 2021 3:18 PM

I refuse to even look at the man until he gets that nasty case of ptosis fixed.

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by Anonymousreply 20May 10, 2021 3:21 PM

I'm one of the more serious, unfunny movies. Expect a lot of vaguely depressed people wearing beige, perhaps at a beachhouse in the Hamptons.

Unless he shoots in black and white.

by Anonymousreply 21May 10, 2021 3:24 PM

I’m the shy, foreign, hot daughter of the old fart protagonist’s best friend. My father has sent me to talk to him about my life since it is difficult for me to open up to him after having gone through puberty four years earlier. I will end up falling desperately in love with my daddy’s old fart friend.

by Anonymousreply 22May 10, 2021 3:25 PM

I'm all the books.

by Anonymousreply 23May 10, 2021 3:26 PM

I'm the Columbia student's age-appropriate boyfriend (played by an actor who was hot in 2015 and is looking for a comeback). I'm deeply into Lost Generation writers, as if they hadn't already been rediscovered and worked through two generations ago—the moment that Woody Allen stopped reading new books.

by Anonymousreply 24May 10, 2021 3:29 PM

I'm a teenage girl who looks like a supermodel. My hobbies include watching documentaries about the holocaust and reading philosophical texts. I'm super-into elderly Jewish men.

by Anonymousreply 25May 10, 2021 3:32 PM

I'm Wallace Shawn, and a part for me - actor, writer, professor, director, doesn't much matter - will assuredly be found.

I will make wry remarks among my fellow upmarket bohemians in a pleasantly buzzing mildly edgy Manhattan restaurant.

by Anonymousreply 26May 10, 2021 3:34 PM

I'm the barely disguided Woody Allen stand-in protagonist, unconvincingly played by John Cusack/Timothee Chamalet/Kenneth Branagh/Colin Firth/Owen Wilson.

It could be worse. Woody have cast himself.

by Anonymousreply 27May 10, 2021 3:34 PM

I'm Kirstie Alley, and Woodman, I am sooo available!

by Anonymousreply 28May 10, 2021 3:36 PM

"He hasn't actually spoken to a 19-year-old since 1989."

Yeah, they're too old for him.

by Anonymousreply 29May 11, 2021 12:21 AM

I'm the Academy of the Overrated from MANHATTAN.

Isn't it ironic? Don't ya think?

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by Anonymousreply 30May 11, 2021 12:25 AM

I am the depiction of a large metropolis such as New York or Paris, entirely free of garbage, graffiti, traffic congestion or homeless encampments.

by Anonymousreply 31May 11, 2021 4:24 AM

I’m the scotch and white wine the characters will drink.

No one ever says, “I’m mixing margaritas!”

by Anonymousreply 32May 11, 2021 4:41 AM

I'm Susan Sarandon the day after the world premiere of the film speaking my mind about Woody Allen.

by Anonymousreply 33May 11, 2021 5:30 AM

I am 99.9% of actors who will stampede anyone in their path in order to have a part in a Woody Allen movie. They know that once he is dead, the unsavoury allegations against him will dissipate and he will be recognised as one of America's greatest film makers.

by Anonymousreply 34May 11, 2021 5:48 AM

Um, no.

by Anonymousreply 35May 11, 2021 6:01 AM

I'm the ultimate cast for Woody's project bringing lots of free publicity like Kevin Spacey, James Franco, ScarJo, Roman Polanski, Geoffrey Rush, Gerard Depardieu, Asia Argento, Judi Dench & M.

by Anonymousreply 36May 11, 2021 6:24 AM

The film is cancelled!

by Anonymousreply 37May 11, 2021 6:29 AM

I'm a big city without black people, except for maybe one or two extras.

by Anonymousreply 38May 11, 2021 6:32 AM

R38 I can solve that for you. I'll cast Noel Clarke in one of the main roles. He sounds like a cool guy.

by Anonymousreply 39May 11, 2021 6:34 AM

"The Mother Of My Other Lover" (2021)- Clarinetist Satchell Moses (Allen) begins a secret affair with the adopted daughter (Chloe Grace Moretz) of his common law wife (Anne Heche), who is having her first lesbian yearnings for the playwright wife (Chloe Sevigny) of her first husband (Liam Neeson). Meanwhile, Satchell's closeted gay son (Seth Green) discovers he may be the son of singer Tom Jones.

by Anonymousreply 40May 11, 2021 7:15 AM

I'm the Jewish American male stereotype Woody has created and exploited. He's made a fortune off me and I don't even get residuals.

by Anonymousreply 41May 11, 2021 8:53 AM

I'm a hybrid remake of Lina Wertmuller's Swept Away and Renoir's Grand Illusion. But I take place in the hardly remote and definitely inhabited Thimble Islands of Long Island Sound off Branford, CT, with a subplot at Yale U. I'm a comedy of academia, summer holiday, and economic class frictions and attractions. I have the first homosexual story arc in Allen's oeuvre.

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by Anonymousreply 42May 11, 2021 9:06 AM

R42 You have made a good point. Aside from Manhattan I can't recall any gay characters, even in minor roles in his films.

And in Manhattan lesbians were were just made fun of.

by Anonymousreply 43May 11, 2021 9:53 AM

I'm Reese Witherspoon. I sign my contract to play the lead character's mother while wearing a Time's Up t-shirt.

What? Working with Mr. Allen is every actor's dream.


by Anonymousreply 44May 11, 2021 10:05 AM

I'm at least one reference to Freud that appears in every film.

by Anonymousreply 45May 11, 2021 10:12 AM

I'm a dead great European director. Allen steals from my work liberally.

by Anonymousreply 46May 11, 2021 12:04 PM

I'm the casual references to Freud and Louis Armstrong that no young person has made since 1972.

by Anonymousreply 47May 11, 2021 12:48 PM

I'm the Dixieland jazz gratuitously used to indicate the change in emotional states of haute-bourgeois WASPs and Jews (all white, of course).

I'm inaccurate and unfashionable and headed for cancellation.

by Anonymousreply 48May 11, 2021 1:57 PM

I'm dead Elaine Stritch, puzzled why Woody only worked with me that one time.

by Anonymousreply 49May 11, 2021 1:59 PM

I'm Ronan's snarky tweet during the premiere.

by Anonymousreply 50May 11, 2021 2:00 PM

I’m Ronan. I made cameos in my dad’s movies as a baby. And continued to be breast-fed until I was a teenager. That’s normal, right?

by Anonymousreply 51May 11, 2021 2:09 PM

r51 He was a nervous kid!

by Anonymousreply 52May 11, 2021 2:12 PM

"Dylan's Truth" (2022)- Nebbishy college student Shlomo Shapiro (Harry Styles) realizes he was born in the wrong body, and begins transitioning- much to the consternation of his parents (Alec Baldwin and Helen Hunt) and bff (Billie Eilish). When a caring Transtherapist (Laverne Cox) shows compassion, an unexpected lesbian(?) romance blooms.

by Anonymousreply 53May 11, 2021 4:51 PM

I'm the sexy but laughably stupid prostitute who speaks like a character from a 1930s Warner Brothers backstager--in present-day NYC. I may even be black or Latina or more likely, white-adjacent, like a smattering of other Italian-American characters scattered about for comic relief.

I'm deplorably educated but I have a heart of gold and occasionally say incredibly wise, true things.

by Anonymousreply 54May 11, 2021 5:55 PM

R49 Elaine get your facts right! You appeared in 2 of my films - September & Small Time Crooks.

by Anonymousreply 55May 12, 2021 4:17 AM


Moishe (Kenneth Branagh) is a jazz music critic unhappily married to goyishe harridan, Melinda (Helen Hunt). Moishe accidentally kills Melinda during their weekend in the Hamptons and covers it up, only to have Melinda keep reappearing from the dead to expose him as a murderer. With the help of Maude, Melinda's gorgeous kid sister (a Barnard undergrad who never cared for Melinda anyway), Moishe must violently murder Melinda over and over again until the wretched bitch finally stays dead.

by Anonymousreply 56May 28, 2021 3:24 PM

I am the conflicted, despairing dialogue between the main characters, which is basically Woody Allen arguing opposing philosophical positions with himself.

by Anonymousreply 57November 27, 2021 2:30 PM

I am all the black people nowhere to be seen on screen.

by Anonymousreply 58November 27, 2021 2:44 PM

I'm the 28 year old actor who uncannily mimics Woody Allen's speech rhythms.

by Anonymousreply 59November 27, 2021 2:49 PM

[quote]He hasn't actually spoken to a 19-year-old since 1989

Yes, but only because Hop Sing keeps him on a leash

by Anonymousreply 60November 27, 2021 2:52 PM

I am the Chrysler Building. I usually get a shout-out since Allen decided he likes architecture.

by Anonymousreply 61November 27, 2021 3:25 PM

[quote]"I'm back in blue."

A line from the putative romantic lead who constantly distracts from the plot with neurotic asides and facial expressions that look like Jerry Lewis after an ultimately fatal overdose of downers. Spoken with the Woolworth Building (from the backside) in the frame. At night, of course.

by Anonymousreply 62November 27, 2021 4:20 PM

I'm "Blue Jasmine," the last Woody Allen movie most people went to see. Even with Cate Blanchett and Sally Hawkins, I was crap.

by Anonymousreply 63November 27, 2021 7:27 PM

NO, you were not crap, and only one deluded person (R63) thought so. You were followed by the brilliant Wonder Wheel.

by Anonymousreply 64November 28, 2021 4:53 AM

R64 I agree with R63 Blue Jasmine was indeed crap.

by Anonymousreply 65November 28, 2021 12:53 PM

The scenes of Cate attending ‘computer classes’ like it’s 1987 were really cringey. Woody needs a script editor.

by Anonymousreply 66November 28, 2021 1:08 PM

If Andrew Dice Clay is in it, it's crap. "Midnight in Paris" was similarly stuck in time. It was a big early 60s thing to wish you had been in Paris for the lost generation.

by Anonymousreply 67November 28, 2021 1:12 PM

I'm the middle aged women who let Woody fuck them as teenagers sniping among themselves over which one was the model for Tracy in "Manhattan."

by Anonymousreply 68November 28, 2021 1:45 PM

Here's one muse.

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by Anonymousreply 69November 28, 2021 1:53 PM

We can add Javier Bardem to the (rather slim) list of Woody loyalists/apologists. so maybe there's a part for him in this (hypothetical) next movie, along with ScarJo and the now radioactive Alec Baldwin.

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by Anonymousreply 70January 17, 2022 5:14 PM

I'm an assistant production designer, frantically attempting to recreate various Manhattan landmark spaces which have now, without telling us why, refused the Master Auteur filming there.

by Anonymousreply 71January 17, 2022 5:25 PM

I'm Amazon, and/or any of the other streaming services.

Don't look at us. We're not returning his phone calls.

by Anonymousreply 72January 17, 2022 5:59 PM

I'm the characters not named Ronan or Mia.

by Anonymousreply 73January 17, 2022 7:12 PM

R63, I thought Blue Jasmine was massively overrated. And Sally Hawkins performance was much better than Cate Blanchett’s one note turn.

by Anonymousreply 74January 17, 2022 7:17 PM

I'm the front room at Joe Allen, where the Woody character meets his acerbic stepsister played by Christine Baranski, doing her best impression of Maureen Stapleton.

by Anonymousreply 75January 17, 2022 7:56 PM
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