Have you ever had to say goodbye to someone and it just killed you inside?

Bye, OP.

Nope.

Exhilarating, in fact.

My grandma on her deathbed.

r2 obviously that would kill someone inside. I dont mean deaths -_-

A buddy in college who sensed I was in desperate need of a friend; a jovial big brother type.

There was less than a year between us in age, but he towered over me and looked easily 5 to 7 years older.

He graduated. I went up to my room in the dorm we lived in, threw on the radio and cried for what seemed like forever.

I've only seen him a handful of times in all those years; we're FB friends now, but nothing came close to those years of hanging out throwing the football around, eating in the dining hall, and getting up early to watch some silly show on TV.

A friend of mine is dying from Small Cell lung cancer. I sent him an email recently telling him a lot of stuff including to keep fighting. He won't make it much longer and that's the reality of the situation. He lives in another state and has been doing chemo for a while to fight it but it has been futile. It was probably the hardest email I've written in my life. My friend, who is his wife, is going to read it to him when "his mind is good." The cancer is in his brain now so he's starting to to not understand stuff. She might not be able to read it to him, but I understand and the important thing for me was writing it. I hope she can find a moment when he's "there" to do so.

R5 I am so sorry about that. That must be so heartbreaking, knowing he is not going to be able to beat this.

R4 I have a similar situation, and thinking about it actually makes me sad.

It’s sad how things change sometimes.

My first boyfriend. We were in love, but I was newly out and he’d been out for over a decade. It just wasn’t the right timing. We never hated each other, and still spent time together...and occasionally still had sex. We became more like friends with benefits for a few years. He then decided to move to the other side of the country. He spent his last night in town with me, and it was a great night. He left the next morning and after he was gone, I collapsed and cried heaving tears for at least 20 minutes. I knew I’d likely never see him again, and it was just so FINAL. I’ve never cried like that about anything other than when my parents died.

In the long run it was a good thing, since if he’d stayed here, I would’ve never opened myself to other relationships and wouldn’t have been with the awesome man I’ve been with for 12 years.

r8 OP here, and that was part of what made me breakdown also, the knowing that our relationship would never ever be the same, and I was right.

15 years later and there is no relationship with each other at all, all but being FB friends.The last time we spoke was 2007, when we were at war with each other because of his GF and her hate for me. He then denied all that happened between us to me, and it was a huge issue for me. Its like he was erasing our history.

Whatever.

About a decade ago I got back in touch with my very 1st love. There had been a 30 year gap since we had last spoken or seen each other (the relationship didnt end well) . Long story short,after many phone conversations and texts ,etc,etc we got together for a week . He came to my state and stayed with me. We spent the whole time talking,making love,laughing at the changes in both of us ,it was just a really great time. BUT I knew after the 1st couple of days that there wasnt going to be the reunion we had both hoped for . The feelings simply werent there. I think he knew it too. At the airport we both held each other and cried ,and by mutual unspoken agreement never spoke again . My heart broke because as he walked away I didnt see the middle aged man but the boy who he once was ,and it made me sad that whatever we once had was gone forever.

Wow.

R7, I'm grateful I had him in m life as long as I did.

We hit it off from the beginning; later, I found out he'd heard I'd gone through some rough times before we met so I'm not sure how much of his attention towards me was pity.

I didn't care. he threw the football with me, we'd riff on each other never taking it too far.

He knew how much I cared about him even tho I never said it.

Oddly, even though he checked all the boxes, I didn't fall IN love with him.

r12 be thankful. I wish I didn't fall for my bestie

The love of my life. He was going out of state to get married (to a woman he became engaged to before we met).

I took him to the airport. As I dropped him off, I clung to him crying. I knew I would see him in a couple of days at the wedding. But I also knew it would never be the same.

An ex of mine. After we broke up we stayed close friends for years. I visited him three years ago and things had changed. We both knew it would be the last time we would see each other. It was sad.

My best friend. He ghosted me because he wasn’t satisfied with the scope of our relationship. We were very close for several years and he was more like a a little brother than “just” a friend (quotes because I don’t think of friendships as secondary but he apparently did). I still miss having him here, actually wish I’d never met him because losing the friendship was so depressing.

r16 I am sorry. That does sound like a one sided friendship though.

All of our ancestors, every time they moved further west and left their families behind, never to see them again.

Olivers hug. Elios arms by his side. Then returning the hug. The hug. Oliver pushes away to end the hug. Elio pulls him back for another. Another hug.

Good direction.

My mother. She lost the person she once was to prescription and then later, non-prescription drugs. She became a zombie and an emotional vampire who only wanted my money and a set of ears to listen to her complain, rage against everyone else in our family, including my father, who she divorced because he gave her an ultimatum.

I had to make the decision to end her from my life. She was a shitty mother even before the addition, but especially after. Still, it hurt, because my parents are the only blood family I had.

Bunny Bixler.

I went on holiday to Gran Canaria in 2000 and met a barman called Joerg. We had an amazing time together. We were inseparable during my time there. I remember absolutely every moment together. On the day of returning home I cried so much after we said goodbye, with promises of meeting again. We never did.

I check his Facebook now and again. He's happily married now to a boy. Has had a great career. And is still beautiful. I still wonder what might have been.

R17, strangely it wasn’t. But in the end he actually wanted to have a romantic relationship, even though it was a terrible idea for a lot of reasons including that I have a monogamous and happy relationship with another man. I never anticipated that happening so I was taken completely by surprise when he decided to “confront” me about his frustration that we couldn’t take it to another level. I can’t imagine what he was thinking. I was really upset for a long time and truly do miss our connection but it’s better this way if that is how he felt. And I also wonder how well I really knew him if I didn’t see it coming at all.

I choked up a little seeing Elio's face in OP's image. That movie hit me so hard. Two of the songs still play in the back of my head.

About ten years ago, things in Los Angeles had gotten a little crazy, so I went back to my hometown in NJ to live for a bit. A couple months into it, I ran into a guy I knew from high school who was the BIGGEST jock/star of the school. He was hands down the hottest, most popular dude. He'd just gotten divorced, was facing some health problems, and was still stunningly hot at 40.

We started hanging out, and became roommates. Many crazy, drunk nights. I hadn't been friends with him in high school, but now we were best friends. Some messing around happened, but he was straight. I mean, I think.

After about 11 months, I realized I needed to get back to LA, and he needed to resume his life. He needed to be married to a woman. The morning I said goodbye to him, he was leaving for work. I came downstairs, and unexpectedly started crying so fucking hard. He didn't cry at all, but was cool about it. It was quite a scene.

He's married now, and has another kid. (He'd had two with his first wife.) I go to visit when I can, but obviously it isn't the same.

Armie Hammer was awful in that movie

His role was supporting to play off Timothee. The movie is Elio's. Armie was fine. Not much else he had to do. I loved the mother, the actress was beautiful.

R27 there is a lot a GOOD actor can do with very little. He did nothing. He’s awful in their goodbye scene. Timmy acted circles around him in every scene.

Like a lot of these great stories, mine was my first partner. We'd been off and again for the last two years of our relationship because of his drug use - which was epically horrible.

But I loved him and wouldn't give up on him. He knew that. I did my best to keep my sanity during his using, but still stay in his life. This meant me moving out. Not enabling him (that part was easy. I loathed drugs). Picking him up after he'd been 5150ed for whatever reason. Again and again. Taking his beloved dog away from him when he couldn't care for her. Everyone told me to leave for good. And I sort of did. But sort of didn't. There was just this part of me that couldn't do it completely. I didn't grow up with a lot of love in my life and he did love me. He was older and wiser and took care of me in a way that I'd never really had. He was like this big security blanket.

He just was sick, I told myself. You don't leave someone who's sick. (To this day, I don't get how people can move on so easily from addicts. Not from those you love to your very core. But I know that's probably my baggage more than anything.)

Anyway, when he was clean one day, he invited me for lunch. We ate. Nothing unusual. Then he walked me to my car and bear hugged me. He said he needed to never see me again. He said that I was young (I was 26 at the time, he was 38) and needed to move on from him. He said he was changing his number and wouldn't call me again and wouldn't respond to any attempt I made to contact him. And that was it.

Hug ended and so did nine years of my life. I'd met him when I was 17. Fell head over heels. He was all I knew, really. And just like that he was gone. On the way home, I did something I almost never do: I fucking balled.

Still miss him today. But he did the right thing. I would have been tethered to him until he died if he didn't cut the cord. Still wonder if we'd have stayed together if he just never started using...

Wow R29. I'm amazed by people who are simply able to cut a person out of their lives. I could never do it. But, it sounds like he was looking out for you.

Not Really.

Do you ever read these threads to see if maybe there is some sort of kismet? Like the old "Missed Connections" on Craigslist? Maybe I broke one of your hearts and you never got over it.

No. I tend to just disappear. I don't like sticky scenes or false emotions.

I can't think of anyone I miss. People have always disappointed me.

R33 well I’m sorry that’s your case.

[...]

R35 pedophile? Nazi? How?

[...]

My best friend from the Peace Corps was extremely handsome and we got along great -- except that, of course, I was gay and he was straight,. Still, he was pretty screwed up in a lot of ways and had a tough time with women and so I became his surrogate partner in a sense -- no sex but intimate conversations and two camping trips a year. Lots of druggy evenings and fun. But once we got to 30 years old it became increasingly clear that this couldn't continue -- he needed to find a woman, and I would never move on to a relationship with a guy while he was such a major force in my life. We ended up having a horrible argument about something minor, and that was that. I cried on and off for a week. The end,

Here's the kicker: 30 years later I was thinking about him, as I often did, and decided to send him a letter (real mail, I didn't have his email address). He called me immediately. Said that he had just googled me, probably the same day I had sent the letter (I'm kind of well-known). Such an amazing coincidence made both of us feel we should restart where we left off. He's now divorced, seeing a woman but not happy. (I'm not very happy in life right now either.) Our friendship is really good again, but it took 30 years of maturing for us to understand, and work with, each other to make that happen.

Fascinating thread in that:

A) So many of these are about gay guys who had a massive crush on a straight friend and the sadness was from realizing that the situation that had allowed the almost boyfriend-like relationship to blossom was about to end.

B) After all these years, the gay DLer writing the post isn't really clear about how his straight friend viewed the relationship and holds on to the notion that the straight friend had strong feelings for him too. (Not saying that it might not be true, just you are unsure if it was.)

C) The relationships seemed to have ended pretty abruptly after you both moved on, graduating from high school or college or just moving away

D) You still think about the guy pretty frequently all these years later.

None of this is that surprising. Non-effeminate gay guys will often develop deep crushes on a straight best friend and turn him into a pseudo boyfriend at the time, which generally translates to spending much time together without other friends around, fantasizing about him as a boyfriend, possibly having some sort of sexual encounter, mourning the "breakup". That's because we don't usually get to experience first love in the traditional manner.

Downside is many guys spend the rest of their lives looking for someone like that high school or college friend and being disappointed with the majority of gay guys they meet.

R39 your analysis sounds deep. Sounds.

R39 I enjoyed reading your analysis.

My situation involves another gay guy though. But one I just couldn’t have the way I wanted. But we always enjoyed each other’s company.

[...]

[quote] Armie Hammer was awful in that movie.

I wonder if it bothers fans of CMBYN that Armie is a psycho and cannibal in real life.

Arnie was a stiff piece of wood in that movie. They should have gotten someone younger and who could have done more with the role.

There was zero emotion with him.

Yes. My dying partner who moved home from Los Angeles to be with his family. They came down and got him and I wasn't there when he left at his request. For the next five months we spoke on the phone two, three times weekly but the last two weeks, it was just once. We said our goodbyes then I love yous on Tuesday. He died on Wednesday and I went up on Friday for the funeral on Saturday.

The last time I held him was the handful of ashes I scattered in the Memorial Garden where he was interred.

That was in 1996 and I am still torn up about it. Brightside? He described the relationship to his sister as "true love" so I had found what so many seek. Just comes at a high cost.

R37 go fuck yourself, you fucking moron.

R39 What can I say? Guilty as charged. Pretty much spot on.

Being attracted exclusively to straight guys is NOT NOT NOT a recipe for happiness.

[...]

R48 stop replying to yourself, you fucking psychopath.

[...]

R13, I was surprised I didn't

give yourself a break tho; we can't control it.

Other than moving away and cutting off all contact.

but where's the fun and/or angst in that?

R39.

Um. Duh.

We know this.

I love this thread

R33 and R37 should get married.

R37 is a complete psycho. He's a terrible person, who wants to drag everyone down with him. He sits around obsessing over pointless celebrity gossip. He's dumb as a rock, and we're all just a little dumber for having been exposed to his idiotic musings. DL would be much better off without him, as I suspect the world would be.

He actively makes life less enjoyable for all those he comes in contact with.

A guy I was madly in love with broke up with me via a text message out of the blue after being friends with benefits for nearly a year. Even in the text, he said we'd taken breaks before and this wasn't final, but I knew it was over. I'd always been the one there for him after yet another relationship failed. He'd jumped into 3 or 4 relationships during that year and they always lasted a few weeks at the most and he'd come crying back to me. He'd always tell me he wasn't interested in a relationship, but if he was, he'd get into one with me. Obviously, that never happened.

I think of him often. More often than I'm comfortable admitting. He was the fuck of a lifetime. Our bodies were just meant for one another.

[quote] That vile film depicts Jews as sexual predators while glorifying a country that allied with Hitler.

See you're still spewing your whacked drivel today.

Back in the days where there was a website for gays and lesbians called, "Planet Out" I used to go into the chatroom there. I worked until 3am so I would get home and have some down time before heading to bed. Most of the folks hanging in the chats were Aussies. There was a girl I met there and we started talking and we had a weird online connection that neither of us could explain. It moved into one on one chatting and then talking on the phone and some phone sex. She had a girlfriend. I did not. She and the girlfriend decided to come to the States to visit and they ended up staying with me for a week in my tiny house. It was uncomfortable, as you can imagine since we both had feelings and the girlfriend didn't know. Lots of stolen kisses when the gf was not around. When they left, I drove them to the airport at LAX and hung with them until they had to leave. The minute they walked onto the plane, I broke down and was a sobbing mess as I knew it was goodbye. I felt like a complete fool thinking there was ever anything to it. I was crying so hard, some lady in the airport came and hugged me and asked if I was ok. Then I left and sat in my car and cried some more.

I heard from her a few time after, but it wasn't the same as I kind of told her that we couldn't continue being friends. We did, however friend each other on FB but I rarely looked at her page. Last year, during the height of the pandemic, I got a notification that it was her birthday and it had been years since we had talked. I went to her page to wish her a happy birthday only to discover she had died in 2016 from a rare form of cancer. I have to say, it shocked me and still bothers me a bit. I read that the town where she lived held a mardi gras type parade for her funeral which was touching. RIP Emily. I will remember you.

Interesting R39. My example wasn't a straight best friend, but an actual partner. Still, I get what you're saying.

R39 is right

This thread is heartbreaking. Thank you all for sharing. Goodbye.

When I was in my late 20s (and looked younger!) I was, shall we say, helping someone get through grad school.

In a way, he was so much older than I...I knew what it was. But on some level, I was left with the impression he really cared about me as much as anyone could in that type of situation.

I asked him once to let me know when graduation day was coming so I'd know when he was going to leave me. He said it should be about me getting more confidence and 'leaving' him. He was right, but I still miss him.

I said goodbye to an ex-boyfriend in the early aughts. After two years together, I suggested we find a place and move in together. He was a good man, kind, generous and handsome, but scared to come out or even move out of his parents home. He was 39 and was astounded that my closest friends, my brother, parents and neighbors knew about us. I was living in the Bronx. He lived in Staten Island and said he'd never leave his family or be open about who he was. We had to end it because ultimately it wasn't good for either of us.

R63 he’s scared and Staten Island is where most Repugs in NYC live unless they move out to Long Island or NJ etc.

These two are much thought of as celebs to make this truthful.

I’m a guy, but my closest friends have always been girls. (For instance, I’m much closer to my sister and mom than I am to my brother and father.)

When one of my best friends in NYC (who I’d met in our college town before that) married and planned a move to Chicago, I really cried during our last sleepover. “I’ve just known you so long,” I said.

We’ve stayed in touch and had visits... but there’s nothing like that time in your 20s in the city, when you can jump on the subway and meet in a cafe or be at your friend’s door in 15 minutes. Our lives were all very intertwined back then, before things got serious.

I love Chicago

Summer 1986. I had just graduated college and my first real boyfriend was a year behind. That fall, I would be starting graduate school and he was going to Europe for a study abroad. I planned to say my farewell on campus before I went home for the summer. He had stayed to go to commencement to see me get my diploma. He spent the night and the next morning, we started getting teary saying our goodbyes. He promised that he would drive over during the summer from his home in Indiana to mine in Ohio.

True to his word, he drove to my hometown the last week in July. We spent the week attached at the hip, doing all kinds of stuff, and having emotional sex each night. The day that he was to leave, I felt a foreboding sense of doom taking over. I dillydallied all morning, keeping an eye on the clock. He wanted to leave at noon to make it home by dinnertime. I just could not bear saying goodbye.

By noon, he had loaded his car and we stood on my front porch. We kissed then hugged, tears streaming down my cheeks. I would not let go. He kept saying, "Be true to yourself," which I did not understand in the moment. We had been together for nearly two years and I was sure that he was "the one." I told him that I would fly to Luxembourg to visit him that fall. He said that he knew that would not happen. This was adieu, not à bientôt. I released him, wiped my cheeks, and sat down on the railing of the porch to watch him drive down the hill and out of sight.

I sat there for an hour or so. I think I was waiting for him to have turned around and reappear. He did not. I went inside and called his mother to tell her that he left at 12 and was on his way home. She asked if I was okay and I started sobbing. She consoled me as best she could, telling me that life moves on and we should be grateful for the time we had had together. I hated her in that moment for saying that to me, but it turned out that she was right.

Some 15 years later, I was stopped at a red light in downtown LA. I looked to my left and saw him sipping a coffee on the sidewalk. My heart pounded and I rolled down my window. I started to yell his name, but stopped myself. About five years ago, I received a friend request from him on Face Book. I accepted and he wrote me right away. Several days, and many messages later, I told him that I thought that I had seen him in downtown LA in 2003 or 2004. He said that, yes, he had been in LA several times and stayed at a hotel downtown. After a week or so, the messaging stopped.

[quote]he had been in LA several times and stayed at a hotel downtown.

Was it the Hotel Cecil?

Haha. No!

It was the Sheraton Grand, which is now something else. The Sheraton was demolished and Korean Air built a monstrosity on the site.

R68 thats so sad.

You should message him again. He friended you with hopes to reacquaint.

My 100 yr old dad... I just left his co-op in Queens to go back to Florida.... my hearts is crying

I don't understand the people who say goodbye to their "best friend" or "love of their life" and then never talk to them again. Why can't you keep in touch? (I don't mean the ones with unrequited feelings)

R73 it is strange how many of them never spoke again.

With me, we spoke here and there until we didn’t, with time.

[quote]R73 I don't understand the people who say goodbye to their "best friend" or "love of their life" and then never talk to them again. Why can't you keep in touch?

My mom talks to her best friend from college several times a week long distance (when was the last time I used that phrase??) but most relations are built on proximity... those you spend your daily life with.

When someone moves, they make new relationships there. And the ABANDONED ONE (I’m not bitter) does the same on their end.

I agree R73. I could never just stop talking to someone I loved. I get a relationship that went awry. But not a friend.

It has happened to me once (by a fellow DLer no less!), but I could never do it back. It just feels so shitty. Makes no sense to me. Even if someone angered you.

Alas.

Yes R75, but you still catch up, only less often

There's a whole world between your mom and her friend she talks to a few times a week and never speaking again.

Like most people, I have friends I was very close with at one point in my life whom I keep in touch with via social media and catch up calls a couple times a year--say every two or three months, plus visits if we are ever in the same area.

I think friendship breakups are worse than romantic breakups. They seem much harder to explain or accept. But maybe I’m just too idealistic. I’m definitely a friendship true believer. I think they have the potential to last forever.

Adulthood seems to have passed some DLers by

Yes, when you are 18 and you think you're going to be best friends with your high school friends the rest of your life and then you go to college and one of your stops texting back as often and then you realize people move on.

Or maybe you skipped that and you're 23 and your work BFF, the person you eat lunch with every day and make fun of your coworkers with gets a new job and suddenly you're not talking 20 times a day and pretty soon you're only talking once a week or every other week.

But by the time you're 25 you should have learned that life is like that, that many friendships are fueled by proximity and the fact that they fade when you're not together all the time isn't a bad thing, doesn't make your friend a bad person, and that often as not when you do catch up with them it's like you've never been apart,

I agree.

I don't really mind that passed boyfriends have now moved on with new partners. I do miss good friends from past times. I try and keep up with as many as I can, but like ships in the night, we exchange signals and move on, for the most part.

[quote] He's happily married now to a boy. Has had a great career. And is still beautiful. I still wonder what might have been.

Huh? Married to a boy? Wonder what might have been?