Golden Girls episodes that never aired

Aka GG episodes that don’t exist and you’re making them up in your head.

Sophia enters a spaghetti sauce competition. She's competing against several of the gals from the senior center and perfects her recipe all week, forcing the girls to taste various iterations of her legendary marinara. On the big night, however, she sets fire to the kitchen and has to finish off her recipe at Harry Weston's house, leading to much fanfare. Gladys Macelli beats her with a vodka sauce that uses real vodka. The seniors become drunk and loose their teeth in the spaghetti.

Dorothy deals with a chin hair problem and Blanche convinces her to pluck her chin which leads to her growing a full, bushy beard.

Blanche has to bow out of a 5k run fundraiser due to an embarrassing STD, so Dorothy offers to step in. Dorothy trips and breaks a hip and ends up in a rehab home where Rose is a volunteer. Sophia visits because she is there for her weekly canasta game with the regulars. Dorothy falls for the orthopedist, but Blanche ends up dating him. Dorothy gets revenge by leaking the STD story. Bedlam ensues and the show ends with the crew at the kitchen table eating cheesecake and reliving what happened.

Oh gawd, OP -- give it up. Not even remotely funny or witty.

The new secret ingredient in Sofia’s gravy appears to have restored the girls’ menstrual cycles, causing a pregnancy scare for Dorthy. Hilarity ensues.

The b-story invokes Sophia’s attempts to market her gravy as a fertility booster.

r4, wrong

Dorothy begins her transition into becoming a man, but no one notices the difference.

Poor Dorothy.

Sophia joins a punk band and gets a mohawk.

The gals join a Klan meeting by accident when Rose mistakes it for a traditional St.Olaf gathering.

Dorothy teaches black kids how to learn through a rap song.

Sophia is mistaken as a wanted drug king pin when walking aimlessly through Miami's skid row.

Blanche goes to the free health clinic for an STD scare.

What about the rejected, un-filmed scripts? For example, Ms. Arthur refused to film an episode in which Dorothy is the victim of a dogfight (ugly date contest) where he new potential boyfriend upon winning, presents Dorothy with a box of milk bones. She then goes all Carrie on their asses.

This two part, dual network episode has Blanche deciding that she needs to redecorate, and not satisfied with any of the decorators in Miami contacts Julia Sugarbaker in Atlanta. The first part, which was all set to air on CBS on Monday night, has the four women visiting Atlanta. Julia and Dorothy argue over politics but then compare their terminating capabilities. Sophia bonds with Bernice and notices that she has a slight resemblance to Stan's mother. Blanche and Suzanne are not involved in any of the decorating conversation, spending time over at Suzanne's mansion with Suzanne allowing Blanche to try on all her wigs and tiaras. Rose thrills Charlene with her St. Olaf stories, and Mary Jo and Anthony just go about their daily business. Insults towards Rose by almost everybody at the end of the show has Charlene declaring, "I can't believe you just said that!"

When the women of Sugarbakers arrive in Miami, Blanche and Julia argue over redecorating the lanai which Julia reminds her is nothing but a garden in her backyard with a sitting area. Dorothy and Julia duet on "Bosom Buddies" at the Rusty Anchor. Suzanne finds Blanche's diary of past dates and asks if there's anyone close to 80 as she needs more alimony checks. Bernice visits Shady Pines and shows off her crown as Queen of the Atlanta retirement homes. Meg Wyllie guest stars as the reigning queen of Shady Pines, and Mary Jo decides to reunite her with her long lost sister, Miss Eulalie.

Blanche goes completely psychotic and drugs and fucks the other three girls for weeks up the butt with her big black strap on dildo called Black Jack. The other three girls die from internal bleeding from their rectums.

Rose, trying to call the "Time and Temperature" hotline, misdials and is accidentally the 19th caller to a Miami talk radio show that's giving away four three-day passes to brand new Disney-MGM Studios in Orlando! The Girls decide it's time for a road tip in Dorothy's 1983 Buick Century, but it breaks down in the middle of the Everglades. A spoof on "Deliverance" ensues as a band of alligator-farming bulldykes take the Girls hostage. Blanche tries to take one for the team by offering herself up to the Alpha Dyke, but is shocked to learn the dyke wants Dorothy instead! Meanwhile, Rose takes a shine to a wounded alligator, and Sophia steals a fan boat in an escape attempt.

r14, that should be an animated adult swim cartoon special. Not kidding.

Rose is shot to death by a paranoid neighbor after she trespasses to sprinkle Frieda Claxton's ashes around an old oak tree.

The tree is demolished shortly afterward.

Rose believes the 2020 election was stolen and Blanche goes.with her to ransack the capital. There Blanche gets pounded by a man in viking horns while calling her his MAGA mama. Rose thought they were there for a parade and is comforted by special guest star Lindsey Graham.

Dorothy and Sophia take arsenic because they have no money to bail out the slut and the moron because tney spent all of it on sequined gowns and tickets to see Carol Channing as Hedda Gabler.

The after newlywed Dorothy moves out of the house, the girls discover Coco's mummified body, his throat slashed, under her bed.

Stan's toupee gets its own series

Jeez, don't quit your day or night jobs. These all suck. Totally laugh-free.

In an instance of art imitating life, Dorothy takes a shit in Rose’s bed — still jealous that she got the bigger bedroom.

Rose drinks bleach because Donald Trump said it would be a cure for COVID-19. And then she died.

R21 Do they do a different kind of log rolling in this episode?

Rose, ditz that she is, signs the girls up for a volunteer week-end that turns out to be a BLM retreat. The girls undercover burn down the rest of Minnesota. Rose is sad.

I can’t fucking find GG on cable anymore!

R12 Blanche's jailbird "Moose" should be in that 2 parter as Anthony's one time cellmate.

Cousin Magda & Barbara Thorndike should spend time with Charlene & Mary Jo despite all of the Golden Girls warnings..

Blanche joins Sex Addicts Anonymous to meet new men. Miami is soon featured as a STD hotspot in the news.

Rose is desperate to find panelists for the news show where she works, and she persuades Dorothy to appear. Dorothy is labeled as a "Senior Spreader of STDs in South Florida".

During the Q & A segment of the show, Sophia stands up and addresses her question to the "Old Gal Who Gives It Away", and she asks Dorothy how she can live with the additional embarrassment to her family, since coming out as a lesbian on an earlier episode of the show.

r25 It's on the Hallmark Channel all the time. And they CENSOR it.

I like the idea of characters crossing over to completely unrelated sitcoms or TV dramas, even the soaps.

For example, Suzanne Sugarbaker and Erica Kane in a knockdown would be great. Dorothy meets Maude would be fun, and Blanche going to Truvy's beauty salon and befriending Clairee and Ouiser could have had a lot of funny moments.

So nice to meet all you girls.

You know, I'm a Hollingsworth...of the Atlanta Hollingsworths...

You know, Ouiser, I know all the girls think your grandson is homosexual...

But I wouldn't worry too much, I think I've slept with a Bruce Boudreaux...

Or was it Bill?

Maybe it was Bryce...

The neighbor’s gay porn is sent to Blanche by mistake. It’s Dawson’s 50 Load Weekend. She claims to have the ‘vapors’ and retires to her bedroom for the next 4 days, finally emerging after the video machine breaks down.

[quote]The neighbor’s gay porn is sent to Blanche by mistake. It’s Dawson’s 50 Load Weekend. She claims to have the ‘vapors’ and retires to her bedroom for the next 4 days, finally emerging after the video machine breaks down.

Say what you will, but that gal has "STAMINA"!

[...]

Dorothy and Harry Weston have a brief affair and are caught "shacking up" when she's supposedly at work, substitute teaching. Harry has left his pager in the driveway and it begins beeping loudly, enraging Freida Claxton, who walks in on them.

In a gruesome subplot, Blanche and Rose decide to audition for the senior center's production of "Annie Get Your Gun," and Blanche accidentally fires a pistol at the director's crotch. Sophia has diverticulitis.

Sophia poisons the cheesecake. Sells the house and moves to Tijauana.

Dorothy writes her autobiography titled: Livin' with dem bitches. Telling the secrets of all the girls but especially Blanche's years of slutty debauchery. At the book signing, Blanche poisons Dorothy's latte and she dies later that night. The other two girls hire a PI to figure out how she died.

Rose falls in love with a bull on a visit to Saint Olaf.

Blanche and Dorothy hold a key party while Rose is out of town and Sophia charges people to attend without their knowledge.

Sophia discovers that she was actually born in the United States as the twin sister of aging judge Jonathan Dexter of San Francisco. She decides to go live with him for a while since his wife Audrey has died and immediately hates his step daughter-in-law Phyllis Lindstrom. Jonathan and Phyllis both begin to believe that Sophia is possessed by the spirit of Jonathan's late mother. Sophia befriends a bohemian woman named Anna Madrigal in the park and becomes a fan of spicy home rolled cigarettes. When Dorothy visits, she is shocked to discover that her mother is a pot head, and unfortunately, pot is not short for potato.

They all tragically die in a grease fire midway through the first season.

R41 Then Susan Harris shows up at your door and kicks you in the cunt bone.

Clayton Hollingsworth retains Sugarbakers to design a Bourbon Street-themed double funeral for him and his “husband”, Doug. They’re both dying from AIDS and have only weeks to live.

Rose gets confused and starts a widespread letter-writing campaign to get Ayds Diet Candies canceled, claiming they’re poisonous and are killing all the wrong people (i.e. her slutty roommate’s gay brother and his illegitimate spouse).

Blanche's daughter Janet and granddaughter Sarah visit and get the story they didn't get in the two part Rose heart attack episode.

R43 Doesn't Clayton Hollingsworth meet Clayton Sugarbaker in this episode, or is that the episode where Clayton S. brings him shrimp he bought at the bus station which puts Clayton H. in a coma?

[...]

Stevie decides to fully transition and become Stephanie. Although she finally came to terms with a gay brother, having a trans lover is too much for Blanche to take. Dorothy realizes she's in love with her friend Jean.

The funny, well-acted ones.

The Girls decide to do a blackface skit -hilarity ensues. Viewer discretion is advised for this episode.

Four Girls Two Cups.

Wow, all that effort and still laugh free R46.

Nothing beats the real thing.

Maude wakes up and tells Walter (Estelle Getty in drag) about her nightmare living in Miami. The next day she tells Vivian and Arthur (Betty White in drag) about it. Arthur tells them that he's been offered a job in St. Olaf Minnesota. Maude screams.

Blanche discovers a wormhole in her vagina. She can visit with her dead ex husband (or anyone who's died) whenever she wants (he can claw his way out from the other side through her vagina). The only downside is they can only have sex anally or orally, which her dead husband loves. The girls grow concerned since she never leaves her room anymore.

I wish the answer was "All of them."

R17 I recall there was one with the girls being robbed, raped and murdered by a mob of paid BLACK (see, all capital letters) marxists. But then the CCP killed a bunch of people by running some tanks over them and put a stop to the broadcast.

Blanche discovers that her son Skippy has become a Chippendales dancer. She is mortified, but Skippy asks how what he does is any different from her behavior?

Dorothy and Stan attend a Zen therapy weekend in Tampa to address unresolved marital issues in an effort to break their co-dependent cycle.

Rose gets a migraine.

Sophia scams a local child out of $5.

New final scene: A darkened bedroom. A bedside lamp is turned on, revealing Maude Findlay and Vivian Harmon sharing a hotel room. Maude is sitting upright in bed, wakes Vivian, and tells her about a dream in which they were widows living together with two other widows in a house in Miami. Vivian tells Maude to not eat chile relleno before bed again, and they both go back to sleep.

Dorothy finds out her daughter has become a Solid Gold dancer.

R53: I like yours much better! Note to self: Read the ENTIRE thread before posting your “brilliance.”

[...]

For some reason, the network nixed the episode where Blanche meets Sue Ann Nivens, saying Golden Girls was not intended for X-rated audiences.

Similarly, the episode where Rose meets Vivian Harmon was also nixed because it was "dumber than a box of rocks" and would only play in St. Olaf.

After that, the producers never even pitched an episode where Dorothy meets Maude Finlay.

R58 Yours was just fine. From R53, fellow creative mind. I'm not one of those pretentious queens who's going to call people out for the silliest things.

Bea Arthur should have won for her guest appearance in Malcolm In The Middle

I thought it was a disgrace Rue wasn't nominated for her outstanding work in season 7 but they kept nominating Betty White for every season.

[...]

When Dorothy goes to the adult novelty store and discovers the back room…

[...]

A one hour very special episode focuses on the very real problem of senior citizen orgy deaths. Blanche decides that she and the girls are going to attend a famous friend’s orgy party to put a little spice in their lives. After weeks of dieting, exercising, and body hair removal the girls attend the orgy. While there, three attendees die while in a leather swing, tied to a chain link fence, and from being anal fucked with an out of date French bread loaf.

After finishing a circle jerk, each of the girls reflect on how they want to die. Rose decides that Charlie would want her choking on black men semen, Blanche decides she wants to die being passed around by a bunch of dykes. Sophia decides she wants to try having sex with a dog, and Dorothy agrees to let Stan watch her and Rose eat shit before having anal sex. Hilarity ensues!!!!

[...]