Are you a gay guy with no gay friends?

No. But I hope you like whatever friends you do have.

I have some friends who are straight, others are gay.

Yes.

Yes, dear. There are many of us lonely homos out here with no live friends. All we have is the Data Lounge and Ru Paul's Drag Race to see and enjoy our fellow tribe members.

Half and half.

I've had a few gay friends but they either moved away (can't say I blame them) or something happened that ended the friendship.

I’ve never had gay friends. Look at the way we all snipe and bitch at each other constantly and how paranoid 80% of DLers are. Who would want friends like that?

I don't care if my friends are gay or not. What I look for are good friends who don't bitch and snipe and snark and carry on as if they are on DL. Beware: there are a lot of straights who bitch and snipe and snark and carry on as if they are on DL.

That's what ended one of my friendships R7 R8 when they got around other gays they turned into a nasty bitch.

My husband and I had perhaps 30 close gay friends between us when we met in in 1981.

We're the only ones left - our generation was decimated.

I’ve made a friend and some friendly people since moving to a new city. Now, we have a pandemic.

And, there’s no need to be “ON” out here. It’s all Interior development of the soul with quasi-science that’s delightfully harmless.

Lesson learned: Those crystals everyone gave you 20 years ago? You should have saved them for this batch. Somebody even asked me about “Celestine Prophecy” and, you will be proud of me, I kept a straight face and said it had a good message.

I have no friends and all of them are gay.

Friends are overrated, gay or straight.

I have had several demographic shifts in my friendship circle over the years, which has been interesting. I came out with a gaggle of Lesbetarians as an undergraduate. That gradually gave way to an almost exclusive circle of gay men in my slutty phase (until graduate school). After meeting my husband, and having a couple kids, my closest friends became other couples with kids: and mostly het. We went out of our way to socialize with other LGBT parents until we moved to a smaller city, where that wasn’t possible. Now that we are empty nesters, I think we will have a real mix. Good question.

I am gay and black. I constantly feel like I am tippy toeing.

Gay guys tend to seek out lesbians and straight faghags as pals. If they have male acquaintances, they are usually people they just ended-up knowing: exes, co-workers, school friends, etc.

I think gay men can't separate men and sex.

No - I have no gay friends and I should! I kind of thought the gay scene would be like this big family when I came out as a gayling and was quickly disillusioned with gay culture. Still, I think it's worth making an effort. Now that my frau friends who never had the time of day are getting divorced or facing that they are probably not getting married, they are coming out of the wood work recently. Fuck that.

The best friends in my life have almost always been women. I had a lot of straight guy friends in elementary and middle school but we drifted apart a bit during puberty when their interests and mine became different.

I find a lot of gays to be a little flighty and more of fair weather friends. Not always, but enough to where I've noticed a trend. Then again, I don't think it's only gay guys that are that way. Most so-called friendships are like that when you think about it.

I'm finding that I make less new gay friends now (can't stand the current stereotypical GUUUUURRRRLLL shit).

There is a side of me that like to be a screaming queen, but that only lasts about five minutes, or until I have had an orgasm. Gay men are 'high maintenance', usually. It is difficult for high maintenance people to be around other high maintenance people. That is why we like fag hags, or make friends with people who are more 'broken' than we are. But, that doesn't work.

There is always been that part of me that doesn't want to be friends with anyone who wants to be friends with me. What is that about?

Almost all my close friends are straight dudes. I have three bi male friends , and a guy who is mostly straight

I used to be friends with quite a few Fraus, but they'd go insane and dump me the minute I had sex with their husbands. I just stopped trying after a while.

Now I surround myself with ONLY gay men. Much less drama.

^^^ LOL. I had a threesome with a cute boy and his wife. Bump six months. Hubby found a new boyfriends and wife wanted me. Oh dear!

Gays only have gay frenemies.

My partner and I have no gay friends. And my last gay cousin died. We know a few "flexible and open" married-to-women guys, but that's it.

We haven't found rapport, mutual understanding or interest among gay men or women of any age, and it's gone on over years. It has been disappointing and strange. In the past it was a matter of people seeming to seek cachet of some kind or have sex with one of us. At 40 that stopped among contemporaries and the switch since then has been younger guys looking for a daddy or security. We both demure.

We have had people over for dinner. No reciprocity and few thanks. We have tried parties. A great time (you can tell) but then nothing. Social groups and book clubs. Nope.

So we have a quiet, no-gay-friends life.

This thread is perfect for that “tell me you’re homophobic—without saying that you are” thread.

How so?

lol ^

Ha r20 excellent insights. I related to this post.

OP- Me too. My last so called gay friend I dropped as a friend over a year ago.

Every time I spoke to him he sounded so resentful towards me. My father said he - wanted to make time with me. I kind of knew he was attracted to me the first time we met. He has a partner/husband but I think he's become bitter because he has to take care of his husband who has a number of health issues such as having both hips replaced and an operation on his intestines. He's more of a nurse than a partner for his 71 year old husband.

Eldergay here. All gay friends either died or moved away. A fussy lesbian told me about ten years ago, "I don't want anyone who thinks I'm a nurse or a purse". I laughed, then. Turns out a few years later, she was found in her car, in the closed garage with the motor running. I don't know if anyone cared.

I have pondered that for years.

Aside from my partner, currently I only have one gay male I consider a good friend. Unfortunately, he moved out of state and the pandemic has made keeping in touch hard. With that said, I have very few straight friends in my life as well. I've had plenty of gay friends over the course of my 20s, but the gay community in my area and its members are largely tied to the downtown lifestyle; as I grew out of the bar scene, I found opportunities to socialize with other gays dwindling. One thing I've noticed is that, post-30, anyone actively looking for friends, gay or straight, has some kind of agenda (e.g. a divorced frau looking for a new social life, or young gays looking for daddy or money). It never seems as if anyone is looking for genuine platonic interaction as equals, and that gets really frustrating. I've only met one person post-30 with whom I've become friends.

I don’t have any friends, gay or straight. I have work colleagues.

No gay friends. Straight friends only.

I wouldn't know - I don't see gayness.

For those of us wanting gay friends or a bigger gay circle, any advice on how to meet more guys platonically?

I only have 3 friends, all fraus (one is a lesbian). I'd love gay male friends but it's just never been my strength...it always goes wrong. We either end up sleeping together, or one wants to fuck and the other doesn't, or the one who whenever we'd meet after work for a beer would end up crying about something or another, or you just realize that there's not much of a friendship as there used to be and are ok with letting it die out.

I'm in my 40s living in NYC so there's always a chance of meeting a new BFF tomorrow but I have zero idea of where I would meet him.

There is a pretty large extended bear social group in Astoria and while I am a little envious of them there's no one in their ranks I can imagine being friends with. So there's also the problem of me being an enormous cunt.

I know friends are important, but many of mine are pretty distracted. It’s confusing to me because I’m still in the workforce, and try not to talk about work unless asked. But I listen to a lot about how busy my unemployed/under-employed friends are, how tired they are, how irritating their older friends are. It’s sad when under-employed friends drift off, but I’m not sure how to stay close. Social isolation is becoming a bigger deal, and I worry about that. I’m lucky to have siblings and my parent for a while longer, but I need to find my way to some form of contentment in retirement. I will be ok financially, but I know there is more to anticipate than just basic security. My friends in the arts have bonded through that identity. I’m in science, and it’s a bit like a desert socially. Many of my peers are busy online but privately broke and freaked out about the longer term, and some are quietly resentful about aging out of the workforce too soon.

OP, I have a few gay friends, but they're pretty stupid, and I usually feel like I've wasted my time when I've hung out with them. I understand what you mean, though - it's only natural to want to have people who "get you" that you can go to for gay-specific advice, camaraderie, etc. We don't share many of the same interests apart from being gay, and I mostly find myself dumbing it down just to fit in. To be fair, most people in my large (Southern) city are pretty stupid, however I enjoy the company of my straight friends more (they're much more intelligent and interesting) and seem to have much more in common with them. They're mostly artists, hippies, non-conformists, while the local gays are pretty basic - think the Sex And The City girls and you'll have an idea. "My kind of gay guys" don't stay in this city - they flee to the coasts. Literally every interesting gay person I've met has been in the middle of moving far, far away from this cultural and intellectual wasteland. I dream of the day when I can escape to a *real* city with interesting gay people. What's saddest is that this area is supposedly like the 5/6th largest gay metropolitan area in North America...and all these stupid, STUPID queens. *Sigh*

I've found that it's difficult to make friends with a lot of other gay men. Either my tastes skew too old fashioned for them (they want to talk about Lady Gaga and Drag Race and I'd rather talk about movies and musicals from the 70s that they haven't even heard of) or they want to fuck me and I don't want to fuck them. There was one awful friendship where he wanted way more than I did and I had to finally walk away after two or three years because it was getting weird and he'd even try to sabotage potential relationships with guys I'd been going out with so I'd be with him. The question of sex always comes into the picture eventually.

Truthfully, the best friendships or hookups I ever had were threesomes where the rules were cleanly stated and I could come in as a special guest and leave whenever I wanted without anyone getting too attached. There was one guy who kept trying to meet up with me away from his partner, but they eventually broke up because his partner discovered he was doing that with a lot of other guys. That made me sad. His partner had taken the risk of allowing a third into their bedroom and that still wasn't good enough and felt the need to sneak off behind his back. I stayed friends with his partner, but not him.

Join a club. Eg beekeepers, gardeners, skydiving, underwater basket-weaving; whatever. Shared hobbies make good friends. You may even meet some gays.

When I was working, I had more gay friends as a result of colleagues and their SOs. Retired just as the pandemic hit, and many of those friendships seem to have died from the social distancing we all engaged in, or have become Facebook-centric, with little or not interaction. I now find myself with about 80% of my committed friendships being with either straight women, or lesbians. And, by and large, I'm okay with that.

My gay "bestie" died from a gastro-intestinal stromal tumor about 6 years ago and his death has left a huge void. There was never any sexual tension between us, and when we met, T had been with his partner for 11 years. We were, nevertheless, each other's "ideal playmate," and engaged in incredibly prolonged riffs on sheer nonsense. For example, we invented two clapped out old hags from the Ice Capades--Nadine and Shirley--who wound up in the same Del Webb community in South Florida. Those two had more opinions than Carter had little pills, and weren't afraid to share them. T and I could happily spend an afternoon watching porn on the computer and doing Wide World of Sports color commentary on the action. We shared similar taste in books, and wildly divergent musical interests (Broadway/Opera vs. Country Western/Top 40). I think I knew, when he passed, that I would never be able to find that kind of connection and basically didn't really try.

I think of "friends", as opposed to acquaintances, as someone you make a conscious effort to include in your life, and who reciprocates. The pandemic has made those inclusions problematic, and it shows.

Friends are friends OP, no matter what their sexuality. If your straight friends care for you and support you then you're doing fine. I get that it would be nice to talk about gay things with gay friends, but that's not the end all.

Do you straight friends know you're gay and support you no matter what? If you're not out to them then they are acquaintances. Find out which ones are real friends by coming out to them if possible.

Op here, I've had three gay friends in total and every time they ended up wanting to be "friends" instead of friends, it's kind of understandable considering how few gay guys there are in the area but none of them were my types, and after I told them I wanted to be just friends they all eventually ghosted me.

OP, in previous generations, most of the gay adults moved to the city. These days, since there's more acceptance in society, a lot of gay people feel more comfortable living in suburbs and rural areas.

Join meetup, and you might find some groups of gay men and women who regularly get together for activities.

I have gay friends, but we don’t really gay out together. I feel like most gay guys treat me like they would a straight guy. My close friends are mostly women and bi guys.

R26 beat me to it.

In my 20s - late 30s I had more gay friends than I could count. Well, gays who I was friendly with. Then little by little it started to dawn on me that the vast majority of those people were not friends at all. They only reason they were around was for whatever benefit they could get from me. So little by little I just stopped returning their calls or initiating any contact with the obvious hangers on. I ended up with 2 friends out of the group who I stayed friends with for many years. Sadly they're both dead and gone. Now in my late 60s I have 3 true blue friends. A gay man, a straight man, and a female (my fag, stag, and hag), and my 2 godchildren (the son & daughter of my straight friend). That's all I need or want. We'd die for each other.

I'd be happy with one good gay friend that I could hang out and do things with.

I could never be friends with a straight person

Never had a gay friend — only straight men and women. My bf has some, but they’re only acquaintances to me.

Yep.. and it sucks

I have mostly gay friends. My one close straight friend is into art and we go to museums. My gay friends not so much.

He's cute too.

I am going to start a boozy afternoon cocktail club for gay men, I've decided. We meet at a different bar each month, get tanked, and hopefully forge some friendships. For any Brits from London, I wanted to do something like Jake. I don't even care if the friendships are serious, I just want to have some new, fun people to go out with. I work out 5-6 times a week and don't want to join a gay sports team for a social activity. But cocktails sounds good.

I remember trying to be friends with this gay man that was like 60, and EVERY thing that came out of his mouth was snarky, bitchy, or a witty put down towards me that was supposed to be funny. It was just exhausting and very toxic so I quit talking to him.

Elder gay here. Most of my friends used to be either gay men or straight women with the occasional lesbian friend. Due to AIDS most of my gay friends died, and either I have been written off by the rest, or I have done the writing off. Since I retired I have become a recluse, especially when covid kicked in. I pretty much only have 3 friends left, and they are straight women, but they all drive me crazy.

Straight people are boring and sick, there must be something wrong with you if you'd prefer to hang with breeders than your own people.

R56 move to Rancho Mirage, the Annenbergs await.

I have the bottle.

I have many straight male friends......and i have slept with half of them!!

So all the “elder gays” who’s “friends” were “decimated” by “AIDS” - couldn’t have made any more gay friends since then?

[quote] So all the “elder gays” who’s “friends” were “decimated” by “AIDS” - couldn’t have made any more gay friends since then?

Oh, [italic]dear...

[quote] and i have slept with half of them!!

presumably you mean you didn't sleep with them.

My only gay friends are 2 exes, one of which I only hooked up with once and we became friends. All the others are either bisexual, real ones who like women as well as men, and straight people I know since high school.

I grew up with bi parents and had a very good childhood, so I never had to worry about this stuff. I made friends based on common interest and I think most kids today do the same and I'm in my mid 30s.

I find it sad that people like R57 even exists, I can't imagine being friends with someone just because they like men, it's such a small part of oneself. Then again, that might explain why gays in the "community" only talk about sex/men and gay shows etc, because that's probably the only thing they have in common.

I'd rather die alone than subscribe to that. Hell to me is a bunch of flaming queens talking about RuPaul while watching a drag show at some seedy bar they call their "community".

[quote]I have many straight male friends......and i have slept with half of them!!

Tell us some stories about how you were able to convince them to try it! And did they like it?

I'm R64 and I forgot to say my group is made of mostly men. I have nothing in common with women (no men really does) and every time someone introduces me as the gay friend they should befriend, I tell them right away we don't have anything in common and I'll not be their gay pet. Works every time.

Nothing's more annoying than straight women wanting a gay pet to dump all their sexless marriage frustration on.

Some call it misogyny I call it common interest.

Well R62??

only gays

[quote] Gay guys tend to seek out lesbians and straight faghags as pals. If they have male acquaintances, they are usually people they just ended-up knowing: exes, co-workers, school friends, etc.

I think gay men can't separate men and sex.

Most of us can separate men and sex because we're not horny 15 year olds. Maybe you should grow the fuck up?

Some posters here are pathetic in their assumptions, it's almost like they never had true friends in their lives and have no grasp on how human interactions go.

I'm sorry you grew up in a world that hated us, but this is 2021, it's about time you wise up a little.

Please goddess turn me into the world's hottest grease fire so that I can consume R69 and rid the world of his smug, entitled, shit-stained face.

I see I'm smug because I said adults should be able to make friends without thinking about sex? Maybe you need to grow up and go fuck yourself too.

or you can keep making friends with annoying fraus, maybe you'd get a cookie at the end of the day for good behavior.

I have NO gay friends. No Black friends. No Trans friends....Me and my husband Chasten Love it....When I was mayor of a small poorly run town I avoided all of them. I refuse to tell you my name and you will never guess who I am. I will give you a hint : I am better than you. Always have been and always will be...

Honey, I’m a gay guy with no friends. Period.

I have never had friends. Only sex partners.

Unfortunately my straight friends' wives made their husbands drop me because their husbands liked me so much.

I remember trying to be friends with this gay man that was like 60, and EVERY thing that came out of his mouth was snarky, bitchy, or a witty put down towards me that was supposed to be funny. It was just exhausting and very toxic so I quit talking to him.

- I had almost exactly the same experience. I have blocked and ghosted him gentle reader.

Let’s form a Gay chapter of the Friends of the Friendless.

When I lived in a shithole city in the Midwest in the 90s I had no gay friends. All the gays in that town were either huge closet cases or just trash. And, after I moved to Seattle I also had mostly straight friends but finally stumbled into some gay social groups...though honestly, not that many of the gay ones last. Gays are flighty as fuck. The settled down ones are boring and only hang around other couples and the single ones are nuts.

I’ve got no friends period.

Friends are overrated.

At the end of the day, you are on your own

My only gay friends are on DL.

Shoot me now.

No and I have to work at being good. But most people can tell and do not like me despite all the good I do.

Sorry wrong thread but not entirely irrelevant here

Yes, I am Dorian Gray.

Your best friends are your closest friends, no matter what their sexual orientation is. It just means you got good taste with whom you keep in touch with.

I wish I had a few gay friends but I get tired of all the “clever” bitchy put downs that you’re supposed to find hilarious, I’m not interested in quotes from the Golden Girls (that was before my time), not interested in pop “divas,” and I’m not interested in non-stop gossip.

My god. Bleak.

Why is it when gay men are in groups it seems to become a competition of who's gayer(meaner)than the rest

R89 I don’t know but that’s exactly why I gave up trying to have gay friends - because it always ended up like this. It was seriously exhausting.

Homos like R57 are part of the reason gays still have such a problem integrating into mainstream society. He's an isolationist. Gays who want little to do with straights end up on the losing end eventually. Many straight people look at someone like that and automatically assume we all hate straight people.

How much of that ^ hate is fear?

They are about evenly split, 50/50 or 40/60 gay/straight.

I used to have gay and lesbian friends with a very few exceptions, but over the years I picked up neighbors and people I worked with in volunteer organizations as friends. Times changed, friends changed, I changed countries, and now it's more or less even. I know more gay people, but of my closet friends locally, more are straight. Where I live people in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s even seem all to have mixed groups of friends without any fuss or tension. It's simply the accepted normal way.

What R89 said is the reason.

Why are there two threads on this subject?

I had a gay friend but he became more resentful towards me over the years. I met him on a Sundance hike in 2001 and he wanted me to go his apartment to show me something. He was attracted to me from day one. He had a boyfriend then whom he eventually married but his husband is older than him and has a number of health issues. My friend was his caretaker. My friend didn't want to hear when I mentioned some guy was interested in me. That's not much of a friend. I have not spoken to him since February 2020.

One friend ended our relationship with no prior notice that anything seemed wrong to him and my dearest friend died. I never had a “circle” so those two losses hit me hard. Retiring to a different state has proved to be a mistake in terms of meeting anyone new but I couldn’t have afforded to buy where I was. Yeah, I’m alone and it’s hard.

I have two groups, one of them mostly gay men with a couple of hags that I met through work and the art/media scene, and one a mixed bag which consists of people I've known since I moved to NYC for school. There's some overlap between these two, mainly with my straight girl best friend and her husband.

A mix (gay and straight), but no lesbian friends. I am not sure I even know any. Hmmm.

R99 Lesbians are very insular, there are two lesbians in my college friend group, but they both don't get along with most other lesbians.

I'm late in saying so, but R26, by shaming and conflating with an un-evidenced (in most posts) accusation, tried to shut off the same discourse that faces members of other racial, ethnic, sex, gender and social groups who try to describe their experiences within the group.

Being gay is not being part of a hard-shelled purity-of-mind-and-behavior group that is gloriously united for the good of its members. And since the reality of such minorities is that they reflect all the diversity others do, while arguing about who really belongs in the minorities, I suggest that R26, if she still exists, go get fucked.

R101 Bravo! Nobody owns the gay experience. Who someone considers a friend is only part of who someone is. It's not the complete picture.

That would be like saying, "I don't have any female friends so that must mean I hate women," or saying "because I have a female friend that means I cannot be a misogynist."

R26 must be tired after leaping to so many conclusions.

I used to have friends but then I realized they wouldn’t be there for me if things went south. So now I have a couple acquaintances I see now and again.

My three close friends, all of whom I have known for more than 20 years are male, one gay, one bi, one straight, so I am fairly diversified there.

There was a fourth - a straight female, but she got married, had a kid, got divorced, and became generally insufferable. She was also constantly trying to tell me how to live my life, to the point of signing me up for a cooking class because she thought I needed to get out and be more social. She did this without consulting me, and then was pissed off because I refused to go, and she couldn't get her money back. This was after a long string of pushing and meddling, and generally expecting me to be someone other than the person she had known for 20 years. It may have been one thing if she had signed us both up, but she only signed me up.

That was the last straw for me, and I told her she could accept me as I am, or we could be done.

We were done. Now we text each other Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas, and that's it.

R103 I learned at a very early age that having friends is a fantasy. NO ONE really has them. It goes the same for family. You have to assume no one is going to 100% have your back in every situation. Knowing this saves you from a lot of disappointment.

People are assholes! "Friendships" (especially between men) are usually situational anyway. So why call them friendships?

The best you can hope for is to have a few good alliances (people who have a mutually agreed upon interest in not totally fucking each other over - you scratch my back and I scratch yours), but even this "arrangement" has time and date limitations.

Gay men understand alliances more than anyone else. Think about all the men you fucked who you despised but you hooked up with because they made you feel good or you wanted something else from them. Think about all the family members (or alleged friends) who kicked you out or turned their back on you for being gay (or betrayed you in some way) but you have still maintained a connection with.

Alliances are not always about being with people you "like..." As Tina would say "what's love got to do with it?" Alliances are about what do you need... and do they have reason enough to show up and fulfill that need when and where you need it (and I don't necessarily mean sex).

People talk about the superficiality of gay men, but GOOD and honest gay men can be your best "alliances" because you always know why they are there and where you stand with them. There is no sugar coating involved.

Even if you are in a relationship (or marriage) with a guy you always know in the back of your mind that at its core this is just an alliance based on mutually agreed upon interests that could end at any time once one party decides the interests are no longer mutual.

The question should not be whether you have gay friends, but are you adept at forming mutually beneficial alliances with people (regardless of their orientation) that will "likely" fulfill whatever you need them for.

As long as you have this skill, who needs friends?

Yes. Only a few I keep in touch with online. I don't like most homos. I'm turning into a old bitter queen.

I don't have gay friends because they either very obviously want to fuck me, or they do the "nice guy" act of pretending to only want to be friends while they try to weasel their way into my pants, which pisses me off to no end because they're wasting both their time and mine. Or I want to fuck them, and you can't be friends like that. I had good relationships with romantic partners and stuff, but it's just not the same.

I wish I had them growing up tho, straight guys and fraus can be nice but they don't know shit about anything and their little mating games are SO boring. DL and other online communities made me realize that if you take out the sexual factor, other gays are a hoot to be around, and the shared experiences that are not there with the breeders make me feel understood, Iess lonely I guess, takes one to know one, right?

TL;DR I'm also a bitter old queen and not even in my 30s.

R107, I know exactly what you mean. Too many gay men see all men as a sexual conquest.

You notice, I did not say "romantic partner" or even someone to date. No, they just see a new man as a sexual conquest. You either wanna fuck him or you don't and all future behavior stems from that.

I'm annoyed when a gay guy pretends to want to be my friend only to later try to come onto me once we establish a camaraderie. I'm like, whoa! I don't fuck my friends.

Guys generally know when they meet you what their intentions are. If you wanna be my friend, then be my friend. If you want something more, then just ask me out. Don't try to dupe me into a friendship.

And if it is that rare (probably one in a billion) chance that you develop feelings for me after we are friends, then you need to tread very carefully. Don't shoot your shot unless I've given you reason to believe I'm interested.

Either way, we can't be friends anymore. It would be like my wingman asking me out. That's too weird for me.

Unattractive men always try to act like they’re your friend, hoping that they will catch you drunk, lonely, or off guard enough to fuck them.

I'm a gay guy with no friends. Period.