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Can't tell if my friend is closeted or asexual

I've been friends with him since high school. We are in our early 30s, from a semi-conservative suburban town. He makes good money but still lives with his parents. Everyone thought he was gay in hs, and he's never had any love interest (or even potential love interest) that he's talked about. Our friend group hasn't asked him about dating in years, but we all whisper to each other wondering what's up. Some in the group wonder if he's asexual, but me and the other gay guy in the group think he's severely closeted. I just want him to be happy, and he seems happy enough, but it's hard to have a real conversation with him because it feels like we're restricted to certain topics. Definitely feels like there's a wall put up, so we aren't really that close anymore. Am I a bad gay for not investigating more and finding a way to help him? Or should I just assume he's asexual/that his love life isn't my problem?

by Anonymousreply 44January 19, 2022 12:14 AM

Mind your own business. If he wants to talk about it he will.

For all you know before the pandemic he was out cruising parks or something.

by Anonymousreply 1April 16, 2021 11:53 PM

Next time you see him, please pull his pants and underoos off and diddle his winkle and see if it gets hard and you will have your answer.

by Anonymousreply 2April 17, 2021 12:15 AM

Have him finish this sentence: Ding, ding, ding went the..."

You'll have your answer.

by Anonymousreply 3April 17, 2021 12:23 AM

Whispering about ‘friends’ behind their backs in your 30s, ooof.

by Anonymousreply 4April 17, 2021 12:25 AM

Could be a "forever alone" situation as another possibility? I had a friend who lived with his parents and he was one of those but certainly he talked about it.

You've never brought it up or asked, even casually tried to find out who he finds hot or not?

by Anonymousreply 5April 17, 2021 12:28 AM

Get drunk alone with him and ask point blank. That way, if he freaks out, you just “drank too much”. Or if he’s confirmed family or asexual, you can ask all the questions you want. And if he clams up, you can apply gentle pressure, without potential embarrassment.

Of course, you should be ready to explain your intense curiosity in a way that reinforces the closeness of your friendship, and the fact that you want to help him achieve whatever his relationship goals are.

by Anonymousreply 6April 17, 2021 12:45 AM

His love life certainly isn’t your problem. And more importantly, it’s really none of your business. He might be gay, or he might be asexual, or he might never have worked out what he is.

If you like him, be his friend, accept him as he is. That’s the way to keep the closet door open, in case he wants to walk out of it. Maybe he will, or maybe he won’t, but his life won’t be made better if he feels he is a problem that his friends are trying to fix.

by Anonymousreply 7April 17, 2021 1:08 AM

He's just not into you.

by Anonymousreply 8April 17, 2021 1:18 AM

OP, does your friend know that you're a big homo?

by Anonymousreply 9April 17, 2021 1:20 AM

OP trots around his friend in a low cut caftan with a pink leather chest harness showing.

Friend is just a low key guy not really into anyone but cool with OP being OP.

Now OP gotta ruin it all.

by Anonymousreply 10April 17, 2021 1:24 AM

No reason you can't just come out and ask him. Who you're dating or interested in is a normal topic that would come up in conversation between friends. Maybe he thinks it's weird that none of you ask him about, so he never brings it up.

by Anonymousreply 11April 17, 2021 1:32 AM

[quote]Our friend group hasn't asked him about dating in years, but we all whisper to each other wondering what's up. Some in the group wonder if he's asexual, but me and the other gay guy in the group think he's severely closeted.

You can't be very close friends with the guy otherwise you would have just asked him about his sexuality. There's absolutely nothing wrong with asking. He's in his thirties. If he doesn't want to discuss it then he will tell you that.

I would imagine that if you whisper" behind your friends backs in your thirties then you are a nasty gossip and that's probably why he makes sure you don't know anything about him.

by Anonymousreply 12April 17, 2021 1:39 AM

Show him Datalounge.

by Anonymousreply 13April 17, 2021 1:55 AM

[quote] but we all whisper to each other wondering what's up

What a dumb annoying queen you must be. Grow up.

by Anonymousreply 14April 17, 2021 1:58 AM

Why do you care unless you're interested in fucking him.

by Anonymousreply 15April 17, 2021 2:03 AM

I am guessing that OP's friend is hot, but socially awkward.

by Anonymousreply 16April 17, 2021 2:07 AM

If he knows your gay, then I can't understand the hesitation. I had a close friend that I knew since elementary school and he was actually the hardest person for me to come out to. However, had he been gay, it wouldn't have been a problem.

by Anonymousreply 17April 17, 2021 2:09 AM

However as we got older, I started avoiding certain topics and then started to wonder if he was talking about me behind my back. Not in a malicious way of course but I still.

by Anonymousreply 18April 17, 2021 2:10 AM

Is his caftan low-cut and flashy or simple and modest? That might help you, OP.

by Anonymousreply 19April 17, 2021 2:49 AM

Maybe he has a micro dick and can't find love.

by Anonymousreply 20April 17, 2021 3:09 AM

Maybe he should move out of his parents' house.

by Anonymousreply 21April 17, 2021 3:16 AM

Speaking from personal experience, I think R6 and R11 have given the best advice in the sense that they are right that you should try to help him. But you need to do it indirectly. I don't think you should come out and ask him directly. If you can, try to create a situation where he can comfortably express his sexuality without having to talk about it.

I think I may have had a similar problem to what your friend does, but I'm a few years younger than he is. I just couldn't talk with my friends about the fact that I liked guys. They had known me since middle school when I genuinely liked girls and I'd talked to them about crushes on girls but then I started having feelings for guys in high school. At a certain point I would just go mute, for lack of a better term, when the topic of dating and relationships came up. I had developed a certain persona and I just couldn't bring myself to do anything that would alter that persona in their eyes. I don't know what they ended up thinking of me but they never seemed to really care, and it was eating me alive.

I eventually moved away for work and happened to get an apartment across the hall from two nice gay guys who were friendly with me. They never asked if I was gay but invited me to parties with their friends. One night I met a super cute guy who must have assumed I was gay since I was at the party. The moment we kissed was the happiest moment of my life.

by Anonymousreply 22April 17, 2021 5:55 AM

R22 makes a good point, which I also suggest. Spend a little time around him one to one rather than in group. That often facilitates more sharing-you can do catching up and talk a little about your love live (keep it G rated of course!) and ask if he has found anyone special. His response might give you some info on how to help him, if he needs help.

by Anonymousreply 23April 17, 2021 8:13 AM

This type marries the first man they date which started while in the closet, and do I hear the pitter patter of little feet?

by Anonymousreply 24April 17, 2021 8:27 AM

Damn, I had a whole long comprehensive answer type, and my browser crashed.

tl;dr of what I originally wrote—basically I sympathise with OP friend (though arguably I have it a little more uncomfortable, being female and almost 30—bio clock, ‘Christmas cake syndrome’, nosey gossipy female friends & coworkers, etc.), yes it is a strange situation in some ways and there may or may not be some dark sad origin story involved, but everyone is entitled to make their own choices without explaining themselves to anyone, and so I don’t think OP should confront him about his choice of lifestyle unless open to listening empathetically to just about anything without expectations.

That said OP, I can understand your curiosity and concern, as it is an unusual way to be. I had a therapist once who told me I’m “abnormal” because I got to adulthood an unkissed virgin (I wasn’t even in therapy for that). All my life other people have made assumptions about my personal life and have asked me rude intrusive questions. Curiosity is a human thing, I guess. People find it fascinating in our sex-obsessed accelerated culture of mating and dating, that someone either has no discernible interest or lacks drive.

Asexual? It’s more likely than you think. The number of people claiming that orientation grows every day, because stigma around it is lifting, and we all live more isolated lives today. It’s also possible that the friend has trauma in his past, and not just sexual necessarily—again, to use myself as an example, I was bullied and teased all through my school life, plus I had interrupted attachment at a young age (my mother had a profoundly disabled kid when I was about 2, and couldn’t take care of me for a while), both of which led me to become a loner as a younger person and shun close contact with others. Also consider that he could have a spectrum or personality disorder; the types to eschew sexual or romantic contact and partnership are usually those with autism/Asperger’s or some sort of Schizoid (I’m waiting on a diagnosis for either).

His adult life set-up may also be a contributing factor. Who wants to bring anyone home to their parent’s place ever, let alone as an adult? If he doesn’t make a lot of money or is underemployed, he may have shame around the fact, and therefore struggle with intimacy and self-worth. He could also be a ‘hikkikomori’ I.e. recluse, which is a phenomenon common with unattached and disaffected young men traumatised by societal pressure (observed as a social epidemic in the Far East, but becoming common here). If he’s escaping reality, then he’s probably showing signs of addiction too, particularly to something like videogames or gambling or online porn.

So there’s probably a lot of delicate personal issues to unpack around this, which is why if someone wants to know what’s really up then they have to go in with full intention of being respectful, decent, empathetic, and listening way more than talking. If OP just wants to pry, gossip, make a move, or tell this guy how to live his life, then he isn’t any kind of friend. There’s a way to do this with kindness and respect, and that’s a must—and sometimes the kindest thing we can do for someone is just tell someone we’re here if they need us, then leaving well alone.

by Anonymousreply 25April 17, 2021 8:45 AM

[quote]I just want him to be happy, and he seems happy enough, but it's hard to have a real conversation with him because it feels like we're restricted to certain topics. Definitely feels like there's a wall put up, so we aren't really that close anymore.

Why did everyone think he was gay in high school?

What can't you have a real conversation about and what topics are you restricted to?

by Anonymousreply 26April 17, 2021 9:32 AM

It could be a lot of different things. He could be a "40 year old virgin" type who's really awkward, regardless of sexual orientation. He might also just not be interested in relationships. I have a couple of female friends like that. One had a couple of boyfriends in college but hasn't dated anyone since (we're late 30s now). She bought a house with her mother and plans to live with her forever. Another one had never dated anyone, has been kissed but is a virgin AFAIK, and has no desire. She lived with some mutual friends who are a married couple for awhile, but it was purely platonic. He could also just be private about his relationships for whatever reason.

As others have said, asking would be the only way to find out.

by Anonymousreply 27April 17, 2021 9:40 AM

Listen to r25, she nailed it. What a kind a good, kind person you are.

And you taught me about "Christmas Cake Syndrome." Thanks, hun.

by Anonymousreply 28April 17, 2021 11:54 AM

R28 you’re so welcome, love 😘 glad I could shed some light. If anyone else has questions, please do AMA.

Ironic that my first post was reply 25, isn’t it?

by Anonymousreply 29April 17, 2021 12:10 PM

Did OP leave the thread?

by Anonymousreply 30April 17, 2021 4:54 PM

OP - listen to R25. I was in many ways like your friend - minus the living at home. Trust me - whatever his issues, reasons and sexuality are - if he was interested in taking to you about them he would. It took me a long time to figure myself out and also get out of my own way, but it was a personal voyage and my reasons now seem a bit silly to me - now - at the time they were issues I needed to deal with internally. Most well meaning friends would have thought them silly or minor at the time, so honestly they would not have been of much help. Be his friend and talk about the many other things you have in common and that are going on - if he makes his sexuality and relationships no-go zones respect that.

by Anonymousreply 31April 17, 2021 5:45 PM

OP and his other account just keep replying to each other. Fun times.

by Anonymousreply 32April 17, 2021 5:46 PM

Ah hah, so he’s talking reflexively about himself in OP then, R32. Good detective work.

It’s ok, OP, being closeted or asexual or on the spectrum isn’t the end of the world, and you’re not a freak for being that way. Going to such lengths to hide it is the only weird part.

We’re like Hollywood elites here on DL, all bound together by our shared sense of shame over being in the same depraved social circle.

by Anonymousreply 33April 17, 2021 6:57 PM

R33 Except OP says no one knows if his friend is closeted or asexual. Wouldn't OP know which one he was, if he were writing about himself?

by Anonymousreply 34April 17, 2021 7:37 PM

Some people will never be able to form successful sexually intimate relationships. Better for everyone if they know it and don't try. Leave well enough alone, OP.

by Anonymousreply 35April 17, 2021 8:14 PM

R34 he wouldn’t admit to knowing, if he were trying to pull the old ‘asking for a friend’. What else would explain him replying incognito to his own thread?

by Anonymousreply 36April 17, 2021 9:09 PM

If it helps, Op friend might not know the answer to that himself.

Some people don’t know—I’m one of them. Every morning I wake up wondering if today is the day I’ll know whether I’m a closeted lesbian with internalised homophobia, a closeted bi with internalised homophobia, or a closeted asexual with internalised shame about everything. As I’ve never had sex and can’t work the courage, plus have no social life to speak of, there’s no objective physical way to tell.

And it’s not like I couldn’t get it from anyone—I’m like, a borderline 5 with a sense of humour, I think. Not ugly, or hot—just kind of a little cute (classically innocently pretty in really great lighting). Honestly it just… hasn’t happened for me.

True that I haven’t put myself out there or done the social legwork to earn the opportunity, but in fairness to me crippling 10-year depression and untreated physical illness as well as having career doors slammed in one’s face does hurt one’s confidence somewhat. Plus there’s the old spicy social trauma from childhood bullying, which means I struggle to get to grips with the social etiquette and code that goes into dating. Everything from the banter to the contact feels… cringy, and wrong, and off-key somehow. Which is a weird way to feel about an extremely common nigh-universal human experience. Then there’s my personal space needs. I get why no-one wants to deal with my specific weirdness, I really do.

But I also want to experience sex with someone I actually find attractive, even just once, in an organic non-skeezy non-transactional way. Just so I don’t feel like an alien, or like some defective broken toy left out in the cold for no reason. I’d love for it to be a, see the lucky person once or twice with minimal contact just to scope out that they’re safe enough, then seal the deal, then go home with nice memories and not have to speak again if I don’t feel it, kind of arrangement. I know that might sound like a dream to most people, but believe it or not it’s really hard to find someone up to be that person with an adult virgin.

Idk. I would like to no longer have the ‘status’ of virgin as something about it feels abnormal to me, but that also might just be society. I have days where I think that it won’t matter if I don’t have sex, really, because nothing I do or don’t do actually matters in the grand scheme. I’ll probably never personally go to Mars, either, and who fucking cares?

by Anonymousreply 37October 17, 2021 5:44 PM

OP,

Leave him alone.

Continue living your life.

by Anonymousreply 38October 17, 2021 9:23 PM

Hey OP, you ever get to the bottom of this?

by Anonymousreply 39December 19, 2021 8:38 PM

Hum...

by Anonymousreply 40December 19, 2021 8:42 PM

can't a person be both homosexual and asexual?

by Anonymousreply 41December 19, 2021 9:00 PM

OP here. Thanks to DL’s lovely advice, my out gay friend and I (for the record, my potentially closeted friend DOES know I’m a big homo) decided that we’d leave it alone since the guy seems happy enough. Interestingly, the subject recently came up again between some of the women in our friend group; they’re also concerned about said friend and think that I, being the local out gay friend, should find a way to ask him during a one on one hangout. Apparently, even the people in the group who are closest to him know to never bring up dating. It’s become this unspoken understanding when he’s around. But the girls think that it’s getting harder for him as they get married and knocked up, and he has less going on socially. (Tbh, I think they just want the scoop.) So maybe I’ll end up having the conversation? He’s extremely worried about COVID, though. Like, won’t-leave-his-house worried. So I won’t be seeing him anytime soon.

by Anonymousreply 42January 18, 2022 10:43 PM

[quote] This type marries the first man they date which started while in the closet, and do I hear the pitter patter of little feet?

Worked for me!

by Anonymousreply 43January 18, 2022 10:48 PM

I... I... I just want him to have the chance to know what real love is. B... But... But I just can't find a way in.

He'd have to be asexual not to notice all the little signs I've given him over the years.

Oh, God.

by Anonymousreply 44January 19, 2022 12:14 AM
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