What’s the worst thing anyone has ever said to you??

"You will never amount to anything." said Mother......

My partner of 10 years, while visiting with his parents, made a comment about my turkey neck and laughed at how it jiggled when I laughed. I was in my late 40s and was beginning to have concerns about my increasing weight. In any case we broke up the following year and a few years after that I had a little cosmetic surgery on my neck. Okay, it a lot of cosmetic surgery but well worth it.

I'm sure it's a common one: "You have no life of your own," from someone to whom you devoted yours.

You had cancer. How come you survived and my daughter didn't?

So many things. But a really rough recent one was my mom telling me that my teen friend Alison would rather have been hanging around with my sister, not me.

If I could see you I’d fuck you

I had horrible allergies as a child (still do) and apparently would scratch the roof of my mouth with my tongue and my mom always made fun of me. Instead of taking me to a doctor.

"I have gay cancer and now you do too".

- G. Dugas

That my queefs are so dense, that they hang in the air like fog.

accused of grooming and being a predator for offering to sponsor for someone's kid to do a structured/supervised two week pre-university stay and to head to fleet week as she lacked any sort of incentive or practical goal for planning her future education and career path.

but said deadbeat parent believed that the university camp was a cover for drug fueled orgies and that fleet week, the phrase itself, was a code for the same.

though humorously, same parent escorted her child to pride and afterparties (I didn't attend either) happily sharing videos of her teen performing a strip show on a stranger's car after sampling one too many party favours. while the pride part is a bit unusual for people of this region, the attitude towards education and career planning is not. if they attend uni at all - it tends to be with unaccredited religious programs. while far too many parents ideal for their children's future is to get them on disability. luckily, though, when that inevitably fails the state and indian nation will redirect them towards legitimate training programs.

Someone I'd been with for years confessed that he'd been willing to be with me all that time, even though I wasn't "conventionally handsome." It sounds so mild. It wasn't mild.

"Nobody likes you and that's why you're alone and why you will die alone." My mother. She is vile.

R12 is she right?

Buck would never have been in the hospital

No of course not. My relatives think she has undiagnosed mental illness, probably borderline personality disorder.

But when you said that I wasn’t worth talking to / I had to take your word on that

My mom said she thought I wasn’t smart enough for college (I was an A/B student and honors English class), it was a waste of money and she absolutely refused to meet the guidance counselor, sign any papers or even consider it. I found out later it was because she was terrified of being alone. I left the house a week later and lived on my own, taking a job and living independently for a year so I could file for the loans on my own. I hadn’t even graduated high school and was holding three jobs down to pay rent. After a year a lot of opportunities vanished and I was despondent, taking whatever I could get. I went to hair school.

This one act completely changed my life trajectory and it took me decades to forgive her for it.

I’m spoiled and love to read. Kierkegaard, Aquinas, Cervantes, Dostoyevsky; DFWallace, Stephenson, Pynchon; Pinker, Kaku, Penrose, Feynman; Zinn, Mises, Hoppe, etc.

My best friend from high school called me a dilettante while we were in college, and I have never forgiven him. He has a very detailed knowledge of a very obscure and difficult branch of mathematical linguistics, but he doesn’t know jack shit about the rest of the world.

Someone I thought of as a good friend at university accused me of cheating in my finals because I kept having to go to the toilet during the exams.

I have to shop for him in the Husky Boy department.

All eleven of my grandmother's grandchildren were at her place on Sunday afternoon when I was 12. All of us were picking garlic heads for her in the garden. One of her friends showed up and she described to her friend each of us, one at a time. I was nearest to her, so I heard almost everything she said (she was a LOUD talker). When she got to me, she said, "Everybody else thinks he is smart and cute but I don't see it. My favorite is *pointing at my cousin Chris*) is him."

It's probably not the worst thing anybody has every said about me, but it stung at the time and for 20-30 years after. She died at 92 after fifteen years of institutionalization due to Alzheimer's disease.

OP, a person capable of saying that was not someone you needed to remain with.

"Being proud of" my beloved partner and friend of many years has never entered my mind. Wouldn't a person with love in his or her heart want to be "proud for" a partner if pride has to be mentioned, and "being committed to the happiness of my partner" be the natural and easy thought?

Not that that helps. But you need to allow that person to recede, Thirteen years can become just a period of your life that had its challenges, and now you're ready for the happiness you deserver.

Truthfully?

I was groomed and abused by a man my parents approved of (he was charming and locally famous) when I was a teen. He did a real number on me.

And since he was a duplicitous and dishonest alcoholic sinking into despair, when I was too young for such a thing he was drunk once and puts my hands around his neck and screamed and begged me to strangle and kill him.

That was the worst thing anyone ever said to me. Worse than the sexual abuse and lies.

Pretentious, Moi? R18?

My parents were drunks. One night I was in bed and overheard a nasty fight. My mother told him my brother wasn’t his and he said ‘oh yeah? What about that thing in there.’ He was referring to me. My mother slurred ‘no he’s definitely yours.’ That was probably 50 years ago and I think about it every single day.

My dad to me, in a fury that my mother took a trip with her siblings and didn't include him:

"We don't have to pretend to love each other when she's not around."

R24

Zinn is a good historian, but ignorant of economic reality. Chomsky is brilliant on foreign policy but also an economic nimrod.

Whoa! you looked a lot hotter with sunglasses.

Compared to the vicious stuff posted on this site constantly these statements are pretty tame tbh.

Eat shit n die trash!

R29, what the FUCK?

R32, Ditto. If R29's post is an attempt at humor, it's in extremely poor taste.

R32 & R33, count me in. I was sure I had misread that post. Wish to God I had.

What a creep.

Much love to you r23, much much love.

On a vacation with two longtime and one relatively new friend a couple of years ago. The four of us are at dinner with a few others. As the table got louder and more drunk at some point I tried to jump into the conversation and clearly wasn't heard or ignored. Not a big deal, really. The "new friend" caught the moment and from across the table said drunkenly and pointedly to me: "You're like the poor cousin in all those English manor house movies that is included for the weekend but nobody listens to." Then laughed and continued shouting above the rest. I don't think anyone else heard him, it barely made a dent in the carrying-on. But I most certainly did. It stung because I could tell he meant it, despite dressing it up as a joke. That was the end of that developing friendship. . It also has quietly shifted my relationship with the two longtime close friends who remain very friendly with him and still somewhat with me with so much shared history over many years. But it changed things. When people drunkenly tell you what they really think of you - to paraphrase Maya Angelou - believe them. And then make adjustments.

After a 26 year relationship ended, I gave online dating for serious relationships a try when what I really needed was to fuck around safely for awhile (which I ended up doing). We had intense correspondence for a month or two until we finally met in person. Very much attracted to each other. We were talking about our pasts. Tangentially to another topic I casually mentioned that I'd been treated for cancer and was in remission. He was sort of interviewing me for a long-term relationship, which is what I thought I wanted at the time. He kind of got nervous and asked "how do you know it won't come back?" which was an honest question. He seemed genuinely concerned, if not possibly heartbroken and a bit disappointed. I just explained that I had regular CT scans. We didn't end up together, but I don't know if that had anything to do with it or not.

But what was really nasty was reading a post here, maybe a year ago, from someone who had recovered from cancer and had been on a date. The date said something flippant like "No one really ever gets over (cured) from cancer". And the date pretty much wrote him off on the spot. Still makes me angry and has stayed in my head. I live in the moment and it's been so liberating, but reading that statement here was definitely triggering!

My ex told me I confuse being carefree with being careless.

He was right and it stings.

R17, I'm sorry you went through that. It seems like your mother was one of those people who had a kid to fill a void in her own life. (Maybe she had a hard time making and keeping friends, so she created you as a substitute.) The goal of a parent is to prepare the child to leave when he or she reaches adulthood.

Someone once called me a tight ass

Someone accused me of being--horrors!--Republican.

When I was about 6, I was playing basketball with my brother when he said, "You throw the ball like a fag." I asked what that was, and he told me to go ask mom.

Mom said, "That's when a boy likes a boy the way he should a girl, and it is an abomination. In the animal kingdom, when the other animals find out one is gay, they gang up on him and kill him" and continued cooking like I'd merely asked what was for dinner. I spent the next 10 years afraid that if anyone found out, they would kill me.

I forgave them both once I'd safely escaped their hell in my early 20s. Years later, I asked my mother if she recalled this, she denied it and I believe she doesn't. We both ended up in tears in that conversation as I told her that I appreciated her strength and values, including instilling self reliance in me from an early age.

Someone named “R Four” said I was worse than Hitler! I’m still not sure what I did!!!

A former friend of mine once said to me:

You can't understand people, because you aren't quite human.

I later decided that it was a compliment, but I was very insulted at the moment.

You don’t have both oars in the water.

I was going to join in and post, but people like R29 is what hold me back. I already have enough trauma from what was being said, i don't need a troll or asshole to make it worse.

r36 I had throat cancer at 27, my boyfriend told me i 'had issues' and dumped me the day i was diagnosed. I have never gotten over it.

R35, I bet one of your longtime friends heard what the new friend said. People actually pick up on a lot even though you don't sense a reaction at the time.

That's one of the reasons that, when I did drink, I would only drink with people I trusted. Crazy, mean shit comes out of people's mouths when drunk.

My grandmother gave me a quasi-religious book about a child with some type of deformity (not explained in the book I guess because it's a kids' book however it's alluded to and is the point of the plot) --- and told me how she got it special for me. After that, I spent a lot of my childhood trying to figure out what it was that was wrong with me. [Nothing actually was, so thanks Grammaw for the crushing shyness.]

Later, my father, her son, told me I should have been aborted. I was in high school at the time. He separately told my brother the same thing, that's what should have happened to him, too.

"AIDS Face "

It's what they didn't say. NO ONE asked me how i was!

Me in the throes of depression: I want to kill myself.

My father: Why don't you?!

He was sick of me, my depression and my homosexuality.

r18, Really? I don't even know you and I could come up with 3 worse things to say to/about you based on a single post.

Also my mother to my aunt whose son was straight handsome a star athlete in high school and went to Princeton: Your son should have been my son!

And believe it or not it took me decades to finally truly confront the fact that they never loved me in spite of their hateful behavior. It's a terrible thing to have to admit to yourself that you were never loved.

My last relationship, with someone who had avoidant personality issues and who’s never had a relationship before, even though he was about 29 (I was 35). We were sitting under the stars one night and I opened my heart and told him I loved him. He said “am I supposed to say I love you? I don’t. And I’m worried I never will.” I’d already just come out of a relationship with a somewhat emotionally and sometimes physically abusive narcissist. This other guy was a friend who was the one who pushed to get into a relationship with me afterward...and then, I felt like nothing more than an imposition to him. Needless to say, it didn’t last much longer after that and left me soured on relationships altogether.

R4, I hope you did the right thing and punched then in the face.

OMFG who wrote this crap. Some twat who writes for the Hallmark Channel. Jesus fuck. 0/1000000.

When I was 11, I heard my mother talking on the phone to her friend. She said, 'I took him clothes shopping yesterday. We bought some things and he looks his best in them....his best is none too good.'

"I'm hungry"

“You’re going to wind up living in flophouses and saloons with a bunch of damn queers!”

I mean, fair enough, but it still hurt.

When I was 11, I heard my mother talking on the phone to her friend. She said, 'I took him clothes shopping yesterday. We bought some things and he looks his best in them....his best is none too good.'

If that's the worst thing anyone had ever said to/about you, thank yourself lucky. Some of you have had blessed lives

R60, I'm sure it wasn't the worst thing anyone has ever said to me, or about me, in this case, but it was the most wounding. A child has no defences.

I've written about my mother here before. She had a loud voice and absolutely no filter. During my childhood, her relentless unchecked commentary was a family secret, but by the end of her life, everyone had her number.

A few years ago, a friend and I got into an argument about something. We've been friends since college, and he pursued me for a long time, but I was never attracted to him and we finally agreed to just be friends.

I don't remember any details about the argument. But it ended with saying, "This is going to be yet another failed friendship of which you are the only common denominator."

He was right, many of my friendships have ended badly. I'm a difficult person. But to hear it phrased that way, from one of my oldest friends, knocked the wind out of me.

^^^ But it ended with HIM saying

I can't breathe.

"I'm not going to talk you out of it."

I went to the same law school as my ex and when he saw me there he told me I wasn't smart enough to be there.

Me to another person-

When I moved out and my old lady roommate tried to bill me almost $6000- taking my deposit to replace a 10 year old mattress, a few broken dishes and a window lock. At the time I had married my husband and was shuffling things down to the street to move into a new apartment. He met her in the lobby and gave it to her double barrel in front of a doorman, calling out ALL her bad behavior over the year or so we had dated.

She saiid she felt “threatened” and I read her the riot act. After years of her snarky, passive aggressive behavior, I told her I had considered her a good friend and that she completely destroyed that in one afternoon with a money grab. I also told her THIS is why none of her friends would ever answer her phone calls and why she alway had to leave whiny, rambling voicemails.

Before taking the last load out into the street, I also sniped how many of her neighbors mentioned to me the last week I was there how terrible she was and that they couldn’t believe how long that I had lived with her.

Eh, I've cut anyone who said, or would say, anything so toxic out of my life. Never a regret, never a feeling I acted too soon.

My mother said things intended to wound and undermine me, like R57's mother, my entire life. Then she wondered loudly why I wouldn't come visit her when she was dying of cancer.

Then, my father told me, at the very end, she told him that she knew why, and she regretted it.

They know what they're doing. Don't let them get away with it. No one who supposedly loves you but would hurt you so "mindlessly" or intentionally or relentlessly is worth it.

[quote]“You’re going to wind up living in flophouses and saloons with a bunch of damn queers!”

Sounds adorable, baby doll!

“You are a whore”

A guy broke up with me once and I sent him a nasty email telling him he’s terrible in bad, makes me laugh when he cums because it’s so comical and has bad breath. His response was ‘promise me you’ll never do this to anyone again. You’re too good to sink so low.’ And I never did. I saw him in a store a few years later and before I could say anything he turned and walked out. Made me realize inflicting pain on someone else is worse than anything cruel that’s ever been said to me.

Did you really believe what you'd said, R51 - was it the whole truth, partially true or just made up out of whole cloth?

R72 was intended for R71.

This thread makes me think of the horrible things I’ve said to other people. Kind of balances out the horrible things others have said to me.

r74 someone should make a companion thread: "What's the worse thing you've ever said to another person?"

R73. Unfortunately it was all true but I liked him anyway. I was just hurt over being dumped. I was also in my early 30s which is old enough to know better than to hurt someone back. At least I learned from the experience.

I was once in a crowed bar and started talking to a guy there and it was pleasant for a few minutes and then he completely turned on me and started harshly criticizing everything about my appearance - my skin, my teeth, my hair, my clothes, I needed to lose a few pounds, etc. He said all this with a smirk on his face. It was wall to wall people and I couldn't easily walk away from him. I don't have much self-confidence to begin with and this completely crushed me.

I know what you mean, R76. I think that when we're not angry, we're able to see things in their fullest context and they don't bother us so much, whereas when we're angry and in a mood to push someone's buttons, out they come. I'm glad that you learned from it.

I hope you die giving birth to a stillborn.

[quote]I’m spoiled and love to read. Kierkegaard, Aquinas, Cervantes, Dostoyevsky; DFWallace, Stephenson, Pynchon; Pinker, Kaku, Penrose, Feynman; Zinn, Mises, Hoppe, etc.

You sound insufferable.

[quote]“You’re going to wind up living in flophouses and saloons with a bunch of damn queers!”

Did you grow up in Dodge City right after the Civil War?

Lesbian here- The last time I was with a straight man, I thought we were a for-ever couple. So, I get pregnant and he says How do I know it's mine? Adios, amigo.

Mother: ‘well it can’t be your upbringing because both of your brothers are normal’.

R82, did you take the kid on the Maury Povich show?

OP, your post really stood out for me. I empathize with your situation and what he said to you was awful and heartbreaking. I lived with a boyfriend for many years who suffered with bipolar/adhd, etc. problems which were difficult for me to deal with. Over the years I've said many things to him but the one thing I cannot imagine saying is "I want to be with someone I'm proud of." At the time I wasn't necessarily "proud" of him because I watched our relationship go from lovers to friends as the years went on and he refused to treat these issues which had plagued him his whole life. I see the goodness he has inside and always have and I love him, even while he pushed other people away with his intensity and inability to make friends. I hung in for 15 years, made excuses for him, and finally laid down an ultimatum - see a doctor and get proper medication or even our relationship will have to end. His friends were my friends and he was alienating them with his behavior. He finally went through the process of treatment. Were you able to stabilize your condition and move on to someone who appreciates and loves you? I know BPD is a "rough road" but my guy has been on meds (yes they have certain drawbacks) for years now and it has allowed his true self to come out (a real sweetheart), and instead of pushing people away, they now love him too, limitations and all, and finally see the goodness he always had inside but only a few saw. We're together 28 years now, No one else in my life. My very best to you OP. Your post touched me.

My mother is a warm, loving, and supportive woman. But when she gets mad, she has a mean streak, and she'll say the meanest thing she possibly can. Sometimes she'll bring up your most embarrassing moment from the past even though it has nothing to do with the discussion...anything to to hurt you in the moment.

The meanest thing she said to me happened when I was 16. I was a shy, socially inept tomboy, and pretty obviously a budding lesbian. She was 40 and unexpectedly pregnant. She had recently undergone prenatal testing, and the test results showed that the upcoming baby was going to be a boy. In the heat of an argument, she told me, "When I got the prenatal test results back for the baby, I was disappointed that it's a boy. I had wanted a girl so that I could finally have the daughter I always wanted." Ouch. Today, she denies she ever said it. I had to let it go.

I posted earlier in this thread, and since then have thought my post then was nowhere near the worst thing.

The worst was when mY dad told me he thought I had committed a fairly serious crime. It was over 25 years ago, but I still think of it every day. It blighted my life.

I was exonerated quickly when the real culprit was apprehended, but I felt really abandoned when he confronted me. All security and all the certainties my life was based on disappeared then. I’ve felt on my own ever since. I’ll never get over the sense of betrayal I felt then, and still feel now. And yet I loved him until the day he died, and I still miss him.

At a birthday party, the birthday guy blew out the candles and his husband said “I hope your wish came true”. The birthday guy goes “Nope. You’re still here.” It got weird, quickly.

“Are you done yet?”

Mother: "You EMBARRASS your father!". I was a rather non-descript, bland nerd-gay.

Oh well. He died alone in the nursing home. Now she's dying alone of cancer. I wouldn't want to embarrass them by visiting.

R11... funny the power of the mild.

"He'd be hot, if he'd just lose some weight."

"It would take you a year to get into decent shape."

"You're adopted."

Wasn't the strongest family to begin with and the ground as I knew it fell out from underneath me. I was seven.

“He’s the ugliest person I’ve ever seen.” —said classmate, referring to me.

I still recall how much it hurt when I was trying to fit into a new school.

Although this may not seem so horrible compared to what others have posted here, but it was a moment that really hurt.

I had a huge crush on a guy but was way too scared to tell him. I was thrilled when he invited me to a party he was having.

When he opened the door, his first words were, “Oh, I forgot I’d invited you.”

I was called a varmint by Yosemite Sam and I’m perma-triggered as a result.

This kid in high school constantly harassed me. He was a jock and would single me out in front of his, and my, friends and say "You look like a faggot. I bet you're a faggot."

Naturally, as happens in situations like this, a few years later he came out of the closet as gay and eventually died of AIDS.

What a story, R96!

[quote]Naturally, as happens in situations like this, a few years later he came out of the closet as gay and eventually died of AIDS.

It's always great to have the last laugh.

There's a footnote to that story. About ten years after the guy died a friend tried to set me up on a blind date. He told me I had to be very discreet because the guy was in the closet and no one could know we were dating. Turns out he was the dead guy's brother!

R99 So you went on the date and killed him?

I'm from a pretty religious family. My mother took me to mass before my first university exams, and after the mass asked the priest to bless me. The priest refused because at the end of the mass there's already a blessing. After we left the church, she turned to me and said "See, even God doesn't want to bless you!". I still don't understand why she said that, because she's a good person, but it really hurt. That she would turn a random thing happening into a proof I was a terrible person.

[quote]At a birthday party, the birthday guy blew out the candles and his husband said “I hope your wish came true”. The birthday guy goes “Nope. You’re still here.” It got weird, quickly.

In some ways, 'The Boys In The Band' will always be relevant.

When I was in my teens I wrote my first short story. I showed it to my mother, who although not a bad person was totally self-involved and seldom thought about her words.

"Did you read it?" I asked, my heart pounding with anxiety, fear, and hope.

She responded, "I did. And, I can tell you this. You'll never be a writer, that's for sure."

[quote]"See, even God doesn't want to bless you!". I still don't understand why she said that, because she's a good person,

No, she is not. A good person would not say that to her child.

[quote] A guy broke up with me once and I sent him a nasty email telling him he’s terrible in b[e]d, makes me laugh when he cums because it’s so comical and has bad breath. His response was ‘promise me you’ll never do this to anyone again. You’re too good to sink so low.’ And I never did. I saw him in a store a few years later and before I could say anything he turned and walked out. Made me realize inflicting pain on someone else is worse than anything cruel that’s ever been said to me.

Actually, IMO, those comments weren't that bad. But you're right, I feel worse when I've hurt someone than vice-versa.

My father committed suicide. At his funeral, two of his siblings asked me, "Do you think he killed himself because you're gay?"

During his lifetime, my father never expressed to me any disappointment or upset over me being gay.

[quote] The worst was when mY dad told me he thought I had committed a fairly serious crime. It was over 25 years ago, but I still think of it every day. It blighted my life. I was exonerated quickly when the real culprit was apprehended, but I felt really abandoned when he confronted me.

R87, were you hurt b/c your dad didn't give you the benefit of any doubt? That he even thought you were capable of that crime?

This is way more minor, but I showed my dad a cool cigarette lighter I had found on the ground. He said: "Do you find things before people lose them?" I said what? I think he was trying to be funny, but it was an odd comment.

My mom went to visit a friend of hers who had a daughter the same age as me. After the visit, my mom talked on and on for days about how smart, well spoken, and sophisticated this daughter was. I must've given some hint I was tired of hearing about her because during one of her testimonials, my mom said in a defensive tone "At least SHE can hold a conversation."

I am on the autism spectrum and so it isn't my fault I don't have the greatest social skills. But I never forgot that remark.

R104 No, she's a great, loving mom. That's why it hurt and shocked me, it came completely out of left field. She's a kind hearted, supportive woman. She might actually be the best person I know. There are very few times she turned on me like that, maybe 5 times over 30 years. It's weird and scary, like she's another person, and then goes back to normal.

[quote]I feel worse when I've hurt someone than vice-versa.

For me it's about equal. Wish I'd had the wit to crush back sociopaths in the moment, but life is rarely like that. Had to make do with justifiable ghosting.

Feeling bad about bad things I did say is the price to pay. I recognise I deserve it.

R106 your father's siblings are subhuman. Sorry about your father. He sounds like a good man.

Same thing happened to a friend of mine whose dad committed suicide after fighting same-sex attraction into his 40s. Very sad. At the memorial, the priest walked up to his widow and said, "You understand Bill is in Hell now."

I heard a mother more than once say to her (truthfully awfully behaved) son: I hate you!

A mother cannot say that and get away with it. I just hated hearing it. Yes, he was a terrible kid and turned out to have mental illness but you can't say that.

"Is it in? There's no way that's in."

"—It was in. All the way in."

LOFUCKINGL !!!!

[quote]My father committed suicide. At his funeral, two of his siblings asked me, "Do you think he killed himself because you're gay?"

"No, the note said it was because he wanted to die of embarrassment over his stupid siblings. Cake?"

R113, I'd have rammed a cucumber up his ass and said, 'Now it's in.'

I would marry you, but your pussy stinks.

[quote] —never heard of Zinn

If you're American and university educated and never heard of Howard Zinn you're ignorant.

[quote] Chomsky is brilliant on foreign policy but also an economic nimrod.

I was very surprised when Chomsky came out in support of President Biden.

Me, when I was 8 and had some illness and had to stay in bed and out of school for almost three weeks: "Mom, am I going to die?" Mom: "I don't know. I just don't know." And with that she left the room.

After I graduated college, I was looking for a job and my father, who was pretty high up in the defense industry, thought I'd be a great Air Force pilot. I knew I'd have to go through basic training, but after that the flight training and being a pilot would have been something I loved. So dad made arrangements for me to have lunch with four officers and pilots to talk it over. I dressed in a suit and went to the restaurant to meet the group. I thought the whole lunch and conversation went very well. I was pretty fluent with the lingo and the others were really upbeat. I left really excited to enlist as soon as I could.

I knew they were going to talk to my dad that Friday. When dad got home from work, he got out of his car, furious. I asked him how they thought everything went. He shook his head and said I don't think this is for you at all. He got even more upset and clearly was disgusted with me. I asked why. He screamed at the top of his lungs "DON'T YOU KNOW? I'M SURE YOU KNOW WHY!" and slammed the door. I was dumbfounded. I walked in and got a nice hard backhand.

Silly me. I thought it was my table manners! It was what dad DIDN'T say that was horrible. That he was ashamed of me for being noticeably gay right out of the gate. Still stings today.

That's horrible, R120. What an asshole.

Sorry to hear that, R120. But how did your dad know that you'd come across as gay during the interview, or did I miss something?

A guy I was really into told me that he liked fucking me and found me very attractive, but said he didn’t like my personality. I was beyond crushed.

R122, it sounds like the dad had talked to his buddies, and perhaps they asked him, "is your son gay?"

[quote] [R122], it sounds like the dad had talked to his buddies, and perhaps they asked him, "is your son gay?"

It actually could have been more coded than that. "Are you sure he's cut out for ___?"

"You're fat"

The truth hurts.

My ex told me: "I'm embarrassed for anyone to know we were ever together."

My father was a bootstrapper and his siblings paid his way through college. First one ever in that family. I strove for the next step and wanted to be an ivy leaguer. My parents were actively angry about this considering me a closet case gay with folie de grandeur. I applied anyway and out of the blue my father offered to drive me to Yale for an interview and he seemed to be in a good mood. After my interview his mood had changed and he said Yale was for rich people "not us" and "I don't know why you insist on going to one of these schools because you'll just flunk out". Long story short I ended up graduating from Brown with honors (ok not as hard as Yale). Couple years later II came out, society was changing and my parents evolved along with it. They were lovely to my partner sand were never pissed about me becoming a fancy faggot with a stack of prestige degrees and snobby interests. I let it go long ago and was close with my dad when he died.

Class consciousness can be a very terrible thing and eat people alive.

My parents went as far as high school. All of us kids got at least bachelor's degrees. When I told my mom I wanted to get a more advanced degree, she was very, very negative about it.

But I went ahead and applied, anyway. My mom did end up lending me money to go back to school. After school was all done, she also ended up "waiving the loan."

Young, impressionable minds are like fresh concrete. Stuff may roll off you as an adult, but those old hurts are etched in stone.

Let's face it, any looks-based insults really hurt.

All of the jobs I've had involved talking with people and telling them bad news, sometimes. At this point, if someone were to call me an asshole, it would be part of my job.

People have various Achilles heels. I was always confident in my looks. If some rare person dissed my looks who cares. Everyone has a vulnerable spot though. Even people who seem incredibly confident and competent.

R85, this is OP. Your post was very nice and I appreciate it. I’m very glad you and your boyfriend with bipolar worked out! You are a good person it sounds like. I’m glad you guys have each other and you fought for him.

I have been in love twice since me and the guy from my post broke up. He’s still my longest relationship ever. I’m in a real good place with my BP. I am good about taking my meds, going to see my psychiatrist and my therapist, I get daily exercise, stick to a routine, I make sure I get good sleep. I know I have a responsibility to myself and the people who care about me to take care of myself.

Me and my ex really weren’t even that compatible . I think we were each other’s “safe” choice. We had a good friendship but never much passion, and passion is important to me in a relationship . I don’t blame him for leaving me, he has a right to be happy in life, I just wish he hadn’t torn me down on his way out the door. He is the person who has known me better than anyone ever has and for him to tell me he wasn’t proud to be with me cut me to my core.

I’m 44 years old and I’ve made peace with maybe being without a partner the rest of my life. I’ve never had a truly “healthy” relationship and it’s just easier and more peaceful to be on my own for now. Who knows what will happen. I have to be ok with my own company. I have family I love, several good friends and I get on well with all my coworkers . Life is pretty good. I spent many, many years being suicidal and wishing to be gone and at peace. Most days now I’m glad to still be alive.

I know. I should get a damn blog.

"Your wig looks like it cost $4."

-- Response by a coworker after I corrected him at a business meeting.

"Your poosie is not really a poosie."

That is so mean.

"That's the yearly rate, right?"

I was a fat kid in the early 80's. That was very rare back then. My mom took me to a weight loss group for fat kids, and when we got there, she said Oh my God, you are the fattest one here. I was seven.

That I'm a bad investment, from my dad

That's sort of what my father said to me. When I was young my parents told me that they were giving me stocks that they owned and buying property for me. By the time I had gotten myself on my feet, which took a while because of extreme depression and mental illness, and gotten a job where I could comfortably support myself and maintain property they said no it wasn't a good investment.

What had happened in between? I told them I was gay. The property has gone up 10 fold. Am I bitter? More like sick to my stomach.

Wait what R139? You just said you went through depression and mental illness. Most people would consider someone like to be incapable of investing wisely in the long term.

When I was 6 yrs old a 40+ year old Frau called me a little fruit. She was right.

My parents got divorced when I was in high school. My father sat me down before he left the house and told me was embarrassed I was his son. He said all his co-workers bragged about their kids at work and he could not think of one good thing to say about me. He told me he didn't care I hated him for saying it. When my mother asked what he said to me I told her. She went white as a sheet.

R142 here Also before that. I was a fat kid in grade school. We had relatives visit and my cousin who was about 5 years younger than me goes "you're big an fat." Everyone laughed and my Dad said "kids always tell the truth huh."

"It's pronounced HEIR MEZ..."

R140 My parents knew I had depression and had mental illness from when I was a boy when they made these promises. They also saw that I fought like a dog to get the right medication, go to a decent university, graduate and get a good job. I did everything I needed to to prove myself and wanted to buy property in a town I was happy to call home right outside of Manhattan where I lived but in section 8 housing. Property values were about to explode which I could see and I needed the money then. I got everything done right under the wire. The only thing that had changed was that I was gay. Now only multi millionaires can live in my town and I have to live my entire life in a section 8 coffin. I grew up in a home where my parents constantly yelled at each other turning me into a nervous wreck and then threw me into the basement and when I couldn't get out of bed due to depression they kept yelling at me making me sicker.

It took an unbelievable amount of effort to overcome that and with the help of those stocks I would have finally bought the home I never had in my life. If you've ever been in section 8 the more money you make the more they take and the percentage is on the gross not not the net. It's almost impossible to save money especially a down payment. Now I have to grow into an old man here when I moved here in my 20s. I was never going to grow old here when I saw all the senior citizens here because my parents wouldn't allow it. Well they sure did having a gay son. Not having a wife and children made me worthless. And my only emotion I have left is hatred of the two. I don't talk to my mother any more and wish her a miserable death. She hated me so much. My father died years ago and his death made the world a better place. Funny thing is that I still loved them very much as a boy despite being my problems were purposely done to spite them. Yes when you're sick as a child you're sick on purpose to spite your mother and father.

"Recollections may vary."

How dare they not admit MY truth is THE truth!

[quote]"Your wig looks like it cost $4."

[quote] -- Response by a coworker after I corrected him at a business meeting.

Did it really cost more than that?

I’m sorry but “your wig looks like it cost $4” is so funny I lol’d.

My boyfriend of 3 years makes repeated allusions to me being on the spectrum, sometimes suggesting that I'm *obviously* whatever the current word is... neuro-divergent. I've never been diagnosed as such and honestly until him, it had never occurred to me nor been suggested. Now I find myself questioning and scrutinizing every social interaction and mannerism and inflection. He usually brings it up as a back-handed put-down. I don't know if he's right (he's a high school teacher and supposedly has seen the gamut) or if I'm being gaslit, but it's made me self-conscious.

R142

Jesus Christ, dude. Wow. Do you have some sort of relationship with him?

Thank God from the age of 6 on I never gave a flying rats fuck what anyone on this planet thinks about me. My mother says its always been the ruination of me,but I genuinely dont.

Your have a small penis.

R152 if its true is it really so horrible to say so?

"I never would have slept with you if I wasn't drunk, you're not my type at ALL!"

I was about to tell him I loved him. Gulp.

My Music Theory 100 professor asked me if I'd tried Agriculture!

My mother called me a teenage Jezebel.

R153- If one is fat is it horrible for one to say so.

My closest friend was an incredible guy, but he had this bizarre cruel streak. Once during a minor disagreement he decided to go nuclear and said, "You will never amount to anything because you've always been a LOSER!" I was stunned and already deeply depressed. He never apologized. I decided not to respond and never brought it up again, although it was never the same friendship.

Years later died of cancer at age fifty-one and left me $20,000 without ever mentioning it earlier. I think he made that arrangement three weeks before he died. So sad and puzzling.

Once an ex told me my eyes had become dead. Most likely true.

I was 22 and had been dating my first boyfriend for just over three months. One day he told me he was in love with me. Four days later, he broke up with me. I asked him how he could be in love with me one day and a few days later dump me. He said, "I never loved you. I was just playing you. Get used to it. No guy is ever going to love you."

That was 17 years ago and although it was the worst thing anyone ever said to me, even worse is the fact that he turned out to be right.

[quote] My mother called me a teenage Jezebel.

Were you wearing a bright red gown at the time?

R142. I know you didn’t deserve that from your father, because not even a mass murderer deserves to be spoken to that way. I am so sorry that happened.

R142- Your father sound like a CUNT.

sounds NOT sound

[quote] My boyfriend of 3 years makes repeated allusions to me being on the spectrum, sometimes suggesting that I'm *obviously* whatever the current word is... neuro-divergent. I've never been diagnosed as such and honestly until him, it had never occurred to me nor been suggested. Now I find myself questioning and scrutinizing every social interaction and mannerism and inflection. He usually brings it up as a back-handed put-down. I don't know if he's right (he's a high school teacher and supposedly has seen the gamut) or if I'm being gaslit, but it's made me self-conscious.

He sounds like a real prize. I see why you're still with him.

Lazy ass white reviewers keep callin' me The Black Meryl Streep. That privileged bitch grew up affluent in all-white Jersey suburbs and has had her entire career handed over to her on a silver platter. How dare they reduce ME to just being the black version of that overrated Becky? She hasn't suffered like I have!

One of my closest friends, someone with whom I was inseparable during my 30s, someone I rescued from many predicaments, and supported in ever possible way, turned to me once and said, "you're a very cold person". I was so stunned, I hardly knew what to say. When I could draw a breath, I asked, "what are you basing that comment on?". He said, "if I come to sit on a couch next to you, you automatically move away". (He was a New Yorker, I'm from the West). I said, "that's just a function of personal space - people where I'm from always leave space between themselves and others, except in the middle of a sex act". He continued to argue with me that it was an indication of a personality flaw. Even when I showed him a famous photographic sequence where someone from Minneapolis was in continual retreat from his New York friend as they talked, because the New Yorker was continually invading his personal space, he would not accept that it was a real thing. It took me a long time to forgive him for that. Years later, when he was older and a little more world experience, he sort of apologized for having said it. (I guess I'll never be sure whether he believes it in his heart of hearts). This would not have bothered me coming from a stranger, but coming from someone with whom I was so close and had shared so many things, it was incredibly hurtful.

Just read this after writing this:

"Average comfort levels of personal space distance in the U.S.:

Approximately 0 to 20 inches for intimate couples Approximately 1-1/2 feet to 3 feet for good friends and family members Approximately 3 feet to 10 feet for casual acquaintances and coworkers More than 4 feet for strangers More than 12 feet for speaking to a large group"

It's one thing if you're a child and a parent says something horrible to you (because you can't fight back), but I'm really depressed by these posts where "friends" or partners said something horrible to you as an adult and you just took it and never said anything back again, and acted like they never said it.

My mother once told me, "You are the coldest person I've ever known."

I shrugged and replied, "You taught me well."

When I told my roommate I thought I was gay and had feelings for him he said" I don't know if I can walk past you naked anymore." All the time going to gay bars and fucking around on a waiter he worked with. That very week he had his own little breakdown and I got a call from a friend of ours saying I had to come home. I heard him wailing "J. doesn't care about me J. doesn't care about me." Well, fuck you!

"You will never amount to anything." --My grandfather.

I've done just fine.

My ex boss told me to go back to my country as I am a fist generation immigrant and I had mentioned that Iraq war was not justifiable. Interestingly enough he was biggest trump supported and was ok when trump mentioned he was against Iraq war. That was my first exposure to republican hypocrisy.

R137 My mother said something similar when she saw a photo of me with a group of others. Oh - you’re not as fat as them. She genuinely sounded surprised, given that she had called me a lump of suet. Mind you - she also said that if I ever found a partner, she would send them a black edged card. And that I had killed my father. It wasn’t until I read a book called ‘Unwanted’ that I realised that it was my existence that she hated.

A former friend once told me, "I think you like to make yourself look ugly," when I took off my glasses at dinner, right out of college. That guy always said I looked better with them on. He also spent all of his time criticizing everything I wore or bought. He'd always end up mysteriously half naked around me when it was just him and I. He'd also ask lots of deep questions about being gay while he said he was straight. Looking back, decades later, I think he may have liked me a little but in his damaged way didn't know how to show it.

I went to a party in my early 20s with three of my friends. I brought my camera with me since I had a fancy new one that took video. A few hours into the party, my friend was completely drunk. I had the camera on him and he said, out of nowhere, "You think you're better than everyone else. You keep saying you're going to move away and you never do. You're never going anywhere. You're going to be stuck, right here, in this town with me. " He then proceeded to go on a rant about me, talking about all of the stuff I said I was going to do and will never do. He concluded by saying, "The truth is, you're not even fit enough to walk into my house."

The next day he said he didn't know what he did wrong, he was drunk and didn't mean it. I think alcohol removes your inhibitions but it doesn't put thoughts into your head that weren't there before. So I stopped talking to him.

I moved away within the next year and did everything I said I would (perform, dance on stage, get an agent, meet someone that doesn't treat me like crap, etc.) within the next 10 years after that.

A few years ago I was in that town for my brother's graduation and I was walking up the street to a store. I was dressed up and I know I looked good. I saw a guy come out of the store, start to walk past me, stop and look at me. It was then I realized it was him. He had put on a ton of weight and had gone bald but it was him. I heard him say, "HEY!!!!" as if he was excited to see me, thought I would stop and speak to him. Instead, I looked him dead in the face so he could see that I noticed him, turned my head away and kept on walking, straight into the store. I heard him say, "WOW" as the door closed behind me.

[quote]My parents got divorced when I was in high school. My father sat me down before he left the house and told me was embarrassed I was his son. He said all his co-workers bragged about their kids at work and he could not think of one good thing to say about me. He told me he didn't care I hated him for saying it.

My God. Please tell me you had the wherewithal to cut him dead from that moment on. I understand if you didn't, but I hope for your sake you did.

This thread is so sad. I want to give you hugs.

Eveb though they say so much mean stuff on datalounge about me. They even claim I am not German at all.

R145, I’m the poster that didn’t get to go to college because of my mom.

She also made terrible financial decisions that my brother and I had to clean up for the past 30 years. We sold family property for pennies on the dollar recently because she neglected to make time sensitive decisions and always blamed others rather than taking charge and doing what needed to be done. It cost us tens of thousands in lawyer and survey fees last year to fix what would’ve been a few hundred for her in the 80’s- but she’d been stubborn and ignorant. She lived in her own ideal and what she wanted, not what we wanted.

We were raised to believe that property was our legacy and worth millions from a very young age. It shaped our expectations, caused a rift between my brother and I and we didn’t speak for 10 years, and ultimately the bickering completely destroyed our family. She almost lot the property many, many times. I was very bitter because this money could’ve paid for college and I’d be sitting in a very different place today if she had made better decisions. Instead, I spent the last decade creating my OWN wealth and planning on walking away from this property without a dime. I am in the process of forgiving her because that bitterness can destroy ME- not her. That’s not going to happen.

All I’ll say is when I cash that check next week, I can’t enjoy any of the money but it closes a chapter. You need to find a way to forgive your parents and move on so it doesn’t consume you.

My uncle commented that I had a fat ass in front of my extended family when I was 11. A few years ago I was working in a call center and had a difficult caller, before she hung up she called me a horrible little queer, that really hurt.

A neighbor (a male doctor) said I looked thirsty and offered me a soda if I came inside. He invited me into the bedroom where he sat on the bed, naked and erect. "Big people do this all the time! It's fun!"

I was 5.

He said he was a doctor and would make the court take my dad to prison if I told. He tore my anus and taint so badly I had to put rags in my underwear for over a week to hide the bleeding from my parents.

What is the very worst thing another person can say to another?

Dammit, r180.

R104 No, it doesn’t make his mom a bad person. Some of these comments are clearly horrible. But, just because a parent says something mean doesn’t mean that they are horrible people. Parents are people do.

Since Woody Allen said the most beautiful phrase in the English language is 'It's benign,' I suppose the worst phrase must be 'It's malignant.'

(quote)they never loved me in spite of their hateful behavior

R53-?

Actually, the worst thing anyone has ever said to me was when I was about 9, and some kids from another year at school started bullying me because I’d had cancer. I was actually in remission by then, but they obviously heard about it and followed me home and were shouting “cancer freak” at me outside my house. Fortunately no one else was home at the time. As if things weren’t hard enough. Kids are such cunts at times.

Kids are such cunts at times.

You're not wrong

R184, I think another way of phrasing it R53's post would be to say that, in spite of their hateful behaviour, it took him decades to confront the fact that they didn't love him.

R130 has it backwards. Kids are way more resilient than adults.

[quote] Lazy ass white reviewers keep callin' me The Black Meryl Streep.

Better that than “the poor man’s Meryl Streep”.

My dad used to call me "five foot of shit" or "evil" because it was my fault of course that he repeatedly raped me, ignored, belittled me, or when I got to be a young adult, bitterly and pathologically envied me. When he died there were letters for his kids. Sibling one got you're so good at this, and you need to work on that, and this is what you should do and I'm so proud of you; Sibling two got the same. "My letter, on the other hand, started out "this is the hardest letter I've had to write. I know I was not as good a father to you as I should have been. When I was young I thought parenting a son would be.... when it was not like that....." Not one word about anything I was good at, not one word about anything I could do better, what I should do, or that he was proud of me. It ended with some verbiage like "I think the best gift I gave you was to stay out of your way." It was all about him. I guess it was a kind of an apology but I ripped it up and threw it away later. My siblings, who worshipped him, were confused at the time. "Well, we all knew he was a great dad!" And then a wagging finger at me, "I know you two had issues, but really it couldn't have been important"

A lot of the responders of this thread need THERAPY.

This thread has me convinced that very few people should reproduce.

There was someone I met online who I really thought was a friend and believed we understood each other. Then one day out of the blue he pulled the rug from under me. He dramatically announced the friendship was over. Then he and his boyfriend/roommate (who I'd never even spoken to and didn't really know much about) both sent me messages on a couple different websites with many attacks.

They said things like "I don't think you know how to talk to someone without manipulating them." They called me weird, crazy, delusional, and said I was in desperate need of mental help. My "friend" even said he thought I was a pedophile which isn't true. I know I'm better off without him, but I still miss the way he made me feel before everything went bad and as pathetic as it sounds, I'd still welcome him right back right now if he came to me.

At an audition for some stupid Exxon lottery promo, the casting director looked at me and said with a sneer, “we asked for BOMBSHELLS”.

R118, I am not American but university educated and you don’t know who Karl Kraus is, you twat!

R139 My cousin got the same reaction from her parents after she told them she was divorcing. They had offered to pay off her mortgage but withdrew the offer when she mentioned the word ‘divorce’.

Being Catholic had nothing to do with it, of course.

Yes R187. I thought they still loved even though they treated me like crap. I mean parents love their children no matter what. Right?

'still loved me'

My ex once said "You're such a fucking doormat I despise you!" I said nothing so as not to upset him further, and then I was really hurt when he soon left me afterwards.

R199 by the sound of it, he was no great loss!

[quote]I'm really depressed by these posts where "friends" or partners said something horrible to you as an adult and you just took it and never said anything back again, and acted like they never said it.

In a way this can be a strength. The cruel remark out of the blue is obviously to a great extent a power-play, to catch the other seriously off-guard. Not knowing how to respond can also look like indifference - not allowing the other to know he/she has drawn blood. Also, such aggressors are often in such a dynamic looking for a fight, a row, to draw you out or down to their hostile level. To deny them that is a fair riposte.

[quote]My ex once said "You're such a fucking doormat I despise you!" I said nothing so as not to upset him further, and then I was really hurt when he soon left me afterwards.

I realise this might be a wry epitomisation of the situation presented ("I said nothing"), but if genuine shows the dangers of not standing up for yourself at all. If you're going to be dumped anyway have your incisive say, if it's in you at all to say. Everyone has their weak spots.

[quote] My uncle commented that I had a fat ass in front of my extended family when I was 11. A few years ago I was working in a call center and had a difficult caller, before she hung up she called me a horrible little queer, that really hurt.

My grandfather said something mean to me when I was little. There's something wrong with grown people who take pot shots at kids, esp. relatives.

That caller also sounds like an asshole. I'm assuming this was some type of suicide hotline. I'm not so concerned about people like that committing suicide.

[quote] My siblings, who worshipped him, were confused at the time. "Well, we all knew he was a great dad!" And then a wagging finger at me, "I know you two had issues, but really it couldn't have been important"

R190, your dad made his "apology" letter all about him. He wants to unload.

My siblings are similar to yours.

I have an abusive sister. I told my mom all about it and she never really believed me. Then, one day, my sister started acting crazy towards my mom. My mom finally believed me and confronted my sister about one specific incident (involving me). Would have been nice if my mom believed me from the start but oh well.

Mom is dead, sister is still alive.

“You’re a virgin who can’t drive.”

r150 not really, he calls. We talk. It's surface. He asked me once why in never come and see him and I flat out told him I would hate to disappoint him. That ended that conversation. His wife sends me birthday cards but he never calls any more.

"The champagne is burnt!"

Never will I forget the horror of that moment!

Is it bad that I can't choose a worst, or even a top five list?

I don't carry baggage around over shit that others have talked.

I was a quiet little gay boy working at the local grocery store when I was 16. Two girls, probably 12 or so, walked past me and I overheard them remark, “Oh my god. He’s so ugly! It’s like he was hit in the face with a frying pan!”

Those little cunts!

So many comments here on extremely cruel parenting. It isn’t any wonder on why people are so fucked up.

It’s difficult to comprehend how the very people who bring us into this world are able to say some of the most deliberately odious and intentionally hurtful things possible to their own offspring.

Early on, we intuitively learn to validate our very existence from our parents. They are essential in helping us forge our identities right into adulthood, and when they willfully and spitefully shatter that delicate shell, it’s nothing short of devastating.

I’m now at an age where I frequently look back at my relationship with my father, who has long since passed. He never said a single “worst thing”, but rather, it was the cumulative effect of decades of obnoxiously malicious, vile, and esteem-crushing words to me in which I’ll never have closure for. In my later years, I’ve realized it’s the primary source of some very deeply-rooted personal issues.

After reading this thread, though, I should still count my blessings per the much more horrible experiences of some of the other posters.

You should seek out sexual relations with much older men R209. It seems to be the cure for everyone with daddy issues and it's great fun for creeps.

R208- Those twelve year olds were MEAN GIRLS.

R210, if I were to follow your suggestion, I'd be looking for a septuagenarian or an octogenarian. Thanks, but no thanks, as it's pretty clear in my post that I'm already up there in age.

I also don't see anything creepy in what I posted.

R212, I don't think R210 was calling you a creep. I think he was implying that only creepy men would date younger men with daddy issues.

(BTW, loved your post at R209)

I know I'm not good-looking, but I've always assumed I was normal enough. BUT, I have the whitest skin on the planet and there's nothing I can do about it. When I was younger, people would actually point at me and laugh! I remember two sorority girls in a convertible; one of them looked at me and laughed, then pointed me out to her friend, who said, "Oh, how sad". People would constantly point out to me how white I was, until I didn't like to go out. Now, I'm older, more reddish and have a big beard, so I don't get picked on anymore. But it really affected my life.

R209 is spot on.

At 64, I still try and work through issues with parents who treated me like the golden child until my sister was born and then everything was directed towards and for her. And my sister was a wonderful sister apart from the normal sibling fights now and then. My mother never let a chance to belittle me or mock me go by. My dad, well, he didn't want to piss her off. All of them are gone now.

I came from a broken home, had love from both parents but they were grappling with mental illness and alcoholism the entire time. I grew up in the late 70’s-80’s graduating in ‘88 and the truth was people didn’t care or want to get involved in other families’ problems in small towns- you took what your parents gave you unless there was obvious signs of neglect or you were extremely violent to other children.

I also think a lot of abuse isn’t intentional but spur of the moment, and sometimes I have to realize my parents were doing their best to put food on the table some years and that there are stubborn and selfish personalities that don’t translate well when they become parents.

Lastly, memory isn’t etched in stone and we all tend to distort it a bit or don’t think of our part in continuing the stigma or original trespass. The truth is that there are ways such as therapy and arriving at a place of forgiveness- and eventually to process and move on from- these experiences. Also, as I told my brother many many times that we are the people we are today because of our parents shaped our experiences.

I’m happy with who I am.

“What will the kids look like?”

I said upthread I stopped giving a shit about others opinions when I was 6 ,and after reading these posts I really started to wonder what clicked in me that made me that way. In many respects,it made life far easier for me,but now Im beginning to wonder if I should have cared a little more . Im not a callous or mean person,I do feel for others and have great empathy for suffering , but I am curious why I was the way I was.

“I know guys like you. You’re gay.”

That was not a welcome comment when I was in 6th grade

My mother would say people who don't have children are selfish. I'm the one who wrote that she said to my aunt your son should have been my son. Neither parent had one ounce of self awareness. Neither should ever have been parents. But what can you expect from psycho Catholics who think having children is a gift to the world and then realize early on for doing so they got the booby prize?

I’m 5’4” and high-waisted with an endomorphic body. My mother used to constantly tell me she didn’t know why I looked like that and ask “It doesn’t embarrass you?” That was just one of her many “greatest hits.”

At 19, I left home and rarely spoke to her after that. She was diagnosed with early onset dementia in her 60s and my siblings insisted that I be the one to take care of her. I sold her house and put her in a nursing home, and I did not spend a whole lot of time or effort picking it out. They raised hell, but I didn’t care.

I hope you made money on her estate and didn't have to put it all in her nursing home.

Some of you have been really cruelly treated by others and I’m honestly sorry. You don’t deserve that and no adults should be talking to anyone that way. Who the fuck are they to say any of that?

My grandma, aunts and dad used to call me fat all the time. Kids in school too but that bothered me less. I wasn’t a really fat kid but was always stocky. I think it effected me subconsciously. I’ve gone through life always feeling like there’s something wrong with me. Thankfully as an adult nobody has been that’s cruel to me.

r26 again. When I sold my first book, I couldn't wait to tell my parents. My dad picked up the phone.

"Dad! You won't believe it. [big publisher] bought my book."

Silence. Then:

"I'll get your mother."

The receiver went thunk on the counter.

Later I found out he telephoned all his friends immediately after: "MY SON wrote a book and it's being published by [company]." As long as the glory reflected on him, not me, it was a big deal.

All these parents, grandparents, etc., who insult little kids' looks. Guess where the fucking genes came from?

R209 It is really confronting to look back on. Things such as Kevin Costner having the same haircut as my father (in The Highwaymen) are enough to trigger memories of being grabbed from my chair a thrown to the floor. He made me feel worthless - and now I am. That’s why I don’t do self care.

Don’t say that r227 what someone like that who would hurt a child thinks or does makes no difference. He was just a monster and you were unlucky enough to be his child.

Did anyone ever get an apology from a parent? If you became estranged from a parent or sibling, did they ever ask why?

It;s not what he said, it's what he did. I've posted this before. When i came out at 17 my father was so ashamed and depressed he took a knife and slit his throat in front of me in out backyard. I saved his life, he is still alive. I got the blame from everyone, i ended up in a psyche ward having shock therapy on my 18 birthday for severe depression, i had given up on life and had stopped eating. This wasn;t 50 years ago, it was in 2003, i'm 35 now. After a lot of therapy I am fine today but it took a long long time.

R228 Thank you for your words.

What the fuck, R230. I am so sorry. And glad you got better now.

r232 Thankyou, I am thriving now and never thought I would.

I didn’t get an apology, I got better than an apology.

I was at my absentee father’s bedside every day the last three months he was alive and got to make amends and talk to my dad about a bunch of things- including witnessing him asking my mom for true forgiveness and thanking her for her enduring love, both of them tearfully crying. My mother visited him every single day in the hospital for years. There was a terrible snowstorm that shut down the city- the local buses shut down and I my heart broke a little bit when I found out when she couldn’t command a cab- my 60 year old mother took a whole afternoon and walked by herself the two miles to the subway over four feet of fresh snow to see him. I am very much the same way if I am love with someone and grateful my mother passed that quality to me.

Holidays were always morose in my family- my mom didn’t know how to celebrate Christmas- usually they were minimalist and small- a handful of sensible gifts like a piece of clothing and fruit, never what my brother and I really wanted, and my aunt was quick on us at a very young age (7) to gift others. I always resented that other kids made off so well- and embarrassed to go back to school empty handed.

Then in my 40’s, I found out more details of grandmother’s death of abdominal infection in the hospital. My mom was just eight years old. She went in the day before Thanksgiving and died New Year’s day. My mom was raised by my stern grandfather and an abusive brother. She never mentioned any of this to avoid hurting us, and I only found out through other family members. It completely changed my perspective about her.

I also heard all these tremendous stories about my dad at his funeral about how he helped other people. It turned out that despite being an absentee father, the whole town showed up to thank him for giving the shirt off his back and sacrificing his family life to help them. There was one guy that was the town drunk bawling that if my dad hadn’t let him live in our basement while he was getting sober he wouldn’t be alive.

And again, I’m thankful that I too will give generously and without expectation- just like my dad.

[quote]My mother would say people who don't have children are selfish.

My mom said the same. She once said my life was worthless because I didn't have a wife and kids.

Didn't bother me one bit.

[quote] She once said my life was worthless because I didn't have a wife and kids.

Same here. But it did bother me quite a bit.

[quote]She once said my life was worthless because I didn't have a wife and kids.

Because so many posts on this thread testify to the sheer charm and joy of family life.

When people ask why DL is so bitchy, they should be referred to this post.

"Careful the things you say

Children will listen

Careful the things you do

Children will see and learn

Children may not obey, but children will listen

Children will look to you for which way to turn

To learn what to be

Careful before you say "Listen to me"

Children will listen"

R230, I've read your story on another thread and I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm glad you're doing better now. You didn't deserve that. You sound like you're the family scapegoat. If you look it up (Google), it seems common.

faggot

R240, another version is the accursed son. There is usually always one, seldom the oldest or youngest, always the queer one.

Ethan Morden was talking about his Sondheim book on Theater Talk. He talked about what a horrible woman Sondheim's mother was('My only regret in life is having had you.') And then he quickly added 'But mine was worse.'

R227, you're not worthless. He was a monster, and his opinion of you means nothing. You deserve self-care.

Please try therapy. Don't let him win.

My mother said that she wished I was dead more often than I can remember. She said that I was “a hollow disappointment” when I was 14. She said that I had no friends so that, weeping, I showed her my signed yearbook, trying to prove that I did have friends. She wished that a baby who was miscarries had been me and that the baby had survived. She said that she would move to Vancouver to be with her boyfriend and would leave me behind, across the country, when I was 12. In the end, he dumped her and she never moved. She is now dead.

My stepmother said that I had “no charisma” when I was 14. She called me across the room once to impress a man she had a crush on—she was a bizarre person—and when I got to her and said “yes?”, she said “fuck off” and started roaring with laughter. I said nothing. I was 20. I haven’t spoken to her since 2004.

Ouch, R245, seems you're more than well rid of the pair of them.

R53, it’s taken me decades to realize my entire family didn’t love me. You see so much stuff in media about, of course your family loves you, they are just sometimes bad tempered but they don’t really mean it. I just assumed they were having a hard time or a bad day, and it wasn’t until years of one bad day after another, and being a nervous wreck trying not to piss off people I could never please, that I finally realized it wasn’t a fleeting mood, it was permanent dislike from them.

The whole thing started unraveling when one sibling told me, as an adult, that she’d hated me ever since I was born. She’s treated me like shit ever since I was born, but she was continually pissed off about something all the time. I didn’t know the something she was pissed off about was me. My mom was another one of those, “you’re the worst thing that ever happened to me and you ruined my life” moms. My dad just never cared about me and seemed to feel nothing for me, or anybody else for that matter. I think he was on the spectrum, he was extremely detached from everyone. As I got older, he seemed bitter that I didn’t grow up to be wealthy. Wealth is all he cared about. I heard a lot of “you’re worthless” from him too.

The last straw was my other sibling, after years of not having much of a relationship, finally admitted they never cared for anything about me except for getting financial assistance. That one’s child pretty much told me, if you’re not giving us money, we have no reason to ever talk to you again. So that was the end. I found out eventually that at least two of my grandparents disliked me because I’m biracial and didn’t want anything to do with me. One just ignored me when we would visit, the other told someone they’d never liked me, and that person told me. I thought I had “loving grandparents” because I didn’t know any better.

I have pictures of all of them that used to make me happy and now I can’t even look at them. It’s like my entire childhood wasn’t based on reality and nothing that happened to me with them was real, and my actual reality is completely different from what I thought I was living. That’s a weird feeling.

I thought I had a family, but they felt nothing but resentment towards me and wished I would just disappear, and stupid me didn’t get it and was always trying to have a relationship with them, which was met with absolutely no enthusiasm from any of them. At least I know now. Most of them are dead now, but I’ll never contact any of the others again. I wish they’d said something years ago. I was just beating my head against a wall for years, trying to please them, for nothing,

[quote] it’s taken me decades to realize my entire family didn’t love me. You see so much stuff in media about, of course your family loves you, they are just sometimes bad tempered but they don’t really mean it. I just assumed they were having a hard time or a bad day, and it wasn’t until years of one bad day after another, and being a nervous wreck trying not to piss off people I could never please, that I finally realized it wasn’t a fleeting mood, it was permanent dislike from them.

I'm sorry, r247. And I know what you mean when you say you wish they'd just told you.

At some holiday event my mother and her sister (who did not like my dad) were cleaning up the kitchen and going to town on the wine. I overheard my aunt say to my mother, "Goddammit, it's a shame that [father] doesn't have the capacity to love anyone but you."

It was like the tumblers in a safe clicking into place. I'd spent my whole life trying to crack that safe, and she just opened it for me with one casual remark.

R248, same here. When my one relative said they had always hated me, that was the tumblers clacking into place too. I had a sudden flashback of all the nasty things they had said and done, really personal attacks like hating the sound of my voice and calling me degrading names. It was my very essence they hated. It was really a revelation to finally hear the explanation for it all. I’ve never heard the explanation why that sort of behavior was tolerated in a young teen. No one ever said stop.

I certainly can't match any of the traumas listed in this thread, I had parents who clearly loved me and weren't repressed about saying so. Back in my 30s, my mom told me my dad regretted not having the close relationship with me that she did. That's sad, but it was ultimately his own doing. When I was a little kid he was grouchy and I spent much of my time walking on eggshells around him to avoid setting off an angry outburst. He chilled out by the time I was a teenager and generally adopted a much cheerier disposition, but hadn't put in the work to instill the sense of trust and security that my mom had. We got closer as we got older, and I'm glad we had the time for that to happen.

Something far less profound that always stuck in my craw was one of my circle of friends from my mid 20s accidentally copying me on a group email where he called me distant and cold. Now, there are people who would be justified in making that accusation; I'm introverted and not great at staying in contact with people. But in his case, every single occasion on which we'd been in contact for years prior was because I made an hour-long drive to visit or took the initiative to call. Apparently the roads and telephone lines between us only worked one way.

I'm cut, not uncut. Definitely feels like a hard gut punch, straight to my soul.

"You'll never be anything but a common frump whose father lived over a grocery store and whose mother took in washing."

I slapped the shit out of her, but I've never forgotten that.

I don’t give a shit if you cum or not

(Other employee) is my rock, but you have rocks in your head.

A fuckbuddy once told me in my early thirties he was repelled by my back. I had no idea anything was wrong with it, but I then took a good look at it with angled mirrors and discovered that it has some hairy patches (I'm half Norwegian) and that I have a sizable birthmark on it I never knew about until then. No one had ever told me I had it.

I broke off our relationship--I thought that was an unforgivable thing to say.

My grandma told me she wouldn’t give me a piece of corn out of her shit.

Just today, on another message board, I was said - as a compliment, no less - to be a leader of a cult!

"You'll never amount to anything because you've always been a loser."

From my very best male friend at the time. We weren't even arguing, he just said it. I cut him loose for a year or two, then guardedly let him back in my life. He never apologized, but never said anything so hurtful again. He left me 20 grand when he died of cancer eight years ago.

It was still so odd and hurtful.

Not to me, but to my younger sister. Our older sister told her our other gay brother who was also alcoholic was gay & an alcoholic because my younger sister didn't wear a bra(this was hippie 60's burn your bra era). Before I could say a word younger braless sister smacked the living horsesh*t out of older sister. I let braless get in another shot in before I broke it up. I was chuckling to myself because older sister didn't realize I was gay as well. Abra is a pwerful thing apparently. @ gay brothers in the same family & all because of swinging tits..who knew?

^sorry for the typos, typing on my phone Meant . A bra is a powerful thing. 2 gay brothers in the same family & all because of swinging tits..who knew?

I forgot I already posted on this thread the same miserable tale of woe!

Sorry guys, maybe I really always HAVE been a loser!

Lol.

R149 Dump this guy - do not pass GO, do not collect $200. Dump and run. He is abusive.

Not the worst but being slammed against a wall, punched in the gut and called foreign scum on my first day of middle school kinds stuck with me.

My ex told me that even though I had lost weight I’d never have tight skin.

He was dead 3 months later. I giggled.

Awww, OP. F*ck him.

My alcoholic mother would tell me that I'm not special when drunk. Well! One of my comments on the latest Meghan and Harry DL threads just garnered 22 WWs....so who's not special now, Mom?

This is longish, so forgive me. It's been weighing on me because it's very fresh.

I've been seeing this man monogamously for six months. We have a great time together, have a lot in common, have great sex, and talk or at least text every day. He's been consistently wary of using the terms "boyfriend" and "relationship," but for all intents and purposes, that's what we have been doing. We both put in the effort to spend every other weekend together. Because we live three hours apart, it is an intentional and meaningful choice to use our time to be together, and we tend to go to places we've never been and have cool experiences together. It takes thought, planning, money and time on both of our parts. Thus, there is a heightened sense of excitement and anticipation every time we get together.

So typically, we'll be having a weekend, and it's great. And then at some point, towards the end of the weekend, sometimes even after a round of farewell sex, he might say something suddenly like "What if one of us meets another fella? I don't want either of us to be wasting our time." And it takes me off guard. I'll get upset. Then it's "I didn't mean that, I don't know why I said that." And then a few days later he might send me a gift, like an LP or something.

It was becoming this weird cycle. I started getting anticipatory anxiety about our trips. Finally about a month ago, I put my foot down and say, I cannot keep doing this, this is making me feel crazy. Figure out what you want. He says "I want you. I want you in my life. I love you." He promises that the next trip there will be no sudden shocks, no revelations, only togetherness and fun.

Okay, fast-forward a couple weeks to our next trip. We go upstate. It's idyllic. We go to the theater, and then stop at a bar afterwards. We'd been lovey dovey all night. A couple drinks in, I causally call to the bartender "Hey, are you still making my boyfriend's cocktail?" Well, my guy, right then and there, says very loudly -- "WAIT, WHEN DID I EVER SAY WE WERE DOING THAT?" It was like a sudden slap upside the head. To my mind, I'd just used "boyfriend" casually as shorthand to remind the bartender to make "the guy sitting next to me"'s drink. I was so embarrassed and hurt. We had had THE BEST night. Now there was, once again, awkwardness.

We trudged back to the Air BnB in silence. Inside the apartment, we didn't get into it, but he did apologize. We took our clothes off, got in bed and were holding each other. Then I made the mistake of opening a can of worms by saying, "Can I please ask, what is the big deal about me calling you my boyfriend casually? Like...what is the harm of that? We are exclusive, and you tell me that you love me daily. It just feels like I should be able to say it, even accidentally, without these repercussions. Please help me understand."

He pauses to think for a moment, and then says "I just have this sense - this gnawing feeling in my gut - that there is someone right for me. And it's not you."

I realized recently that my grandmother used to criticize me, my looks, my worth, my hobbies, my friends. But then buy me stuff and tell me that she loved me. So I think my tolerance for ambiguity and emotional fuckery is really high. Like, "you are rejecting me but you're still fucking me, and somehow you still claim that you love me. And that is so much better than nothing."

R266: That must have been pretty tough to hear, sorry. Easy to say not being the person with the emotional attachment to the guy but for your own self worth I’d break it off. He’s been honest with you and it’s down to you to decide what you’ll accept. You could invest years more time and money for him to tell you he’s met someone and he’s breaking it off. Don’t wait around for that.

He may realise in time there isn’t someone else more right for him (from the way you describe your time together it’s great on lots of levels) but you’ll hopefully be moved on by then. Or he will meet that person but you’ll still hopefully be moved on by then.

[quote] He pauses to think for a moment, and then says "I just have this sense - this gnawing feeling in my gut - that there is someone right for me. And it's not you."

After the great times you describe, R266, reading this made me nauseous.

I am sorry to hear this, but the hesitancy on the part of your partner is/was a red flag. And although this is likely no consolation, know that this is not uncommon. It is a bit of a trope that women describe: dating a man for years who has difficulty committing; only to discover that after the relationship ends (thanks to the “commitment-phobe” partner), said partner takes up with someone immediately and marries them within months. This was the storyline in “When Harry Met Sally” for Sally.

You deserve so much more than your partner seems willing to give. Despite all the wonderful experiences you describe, they seem to come with a hefty-price tag: your valuation as deemed “not enough” by your partner.

Look forward hearing about who you will discover in your future: someone who values you and knows your genuine worth!

He said "I don't find you sexually attractive". But wait, what about the night we met when you were trembling, shuddering, with excitement? What about when I asked you to spank me and you said "sure!" then asked me show you my pink ass? What about all those hard-ons?

Now you don't find me attractive?

My mother is impetuous and overdramatic, while I am very serious-minded. When I was 11, she ordered me not to do something and I defied her and got caught. She looked me in the face and said “I will never trust you again. You lost my trust and you can never get it back.”

That is a heavy thing to put on a child who really takes things to heart. The result was that I didn’t trust her - I never confided in her or opened up to her about anything I was sensitive about, because I didn’t trust her not to hurt me.

"Nice cup."

My boyfriend of 20 years found someone else and as we were breaking up he said “I never loved you.” I feel like my life was a waste of time.

R25, R142 What the Fuck was wrong with parents of a certain era??? My mouth is agape. Love to you both and everyone else on this thread whose parents were vile creatures. My god.

When I was 18 / 19, my female best friend (at the time) once told me guys like me because I’m funny.

It hurt me because it was a dig at my looks.

And it’s also a reflection of what she saw as a straight woman.

And it’s totally false. Guys don’t go for personality ever and I’m usually never funny around them.

R267 R268 Thank you!! You've made me feel more grounded and hopeful. I appreciate the validation and care.

My heart goes out to everyone on this thread. Jesus Christ. How can some people be so cruel? I'm stunned and blown away by the strength of everyone on this thread. I used to think I understood life, and thought these challenges had some sort of spiritual meaning. The older I get, it just all seems so senseless.

Let's all agree right now to no longer ever let wounded, fucked up people, be they parents or lovers, dictate OUR worth.

R272 You know he didn't mean it. He just said that o make it easer for him to move on without guilt.

He sounds like a massive asshole.

Tough stories, some of these.

I told a friend I had been raped and he said "get over it"

What's so interesting about so many of these stories is that people often said things to hurt posters, and then wound up hurting themselves the most because the posters could never love or trust them again.

I poured my heart out about the horrible treatment my wife and I received from my awful family, and all my gran could say was, "Recollections may vary."

R278 That. Is. Fucked. Up.

I used to be pretty close to my older sister. Laughed a lot, shared the same sense of humor, were both artistic, etc..

Then one day my mom found some colorful underwear I had stupidly hidden between under my mattress. This was back in the mid-70's, when everything was flower-power and paisley prints.

She dumped 'em on the kitchen table and wanted to know what was up. I lied of course, said they were for a play(!) at school or something stupid -- can't even remember my excuse really.

Anyway, my sister wasn't buying it, and later said I better not be lying, because she "didn't want a fag for a brother."

45 years ago and it still hurts. Not sure why I have such a hard time letting go of it.

Maybe because she turned into an evangelical christian and just seeing her (2x year) reminds me of that day.

R142, I hope your father died a long, slow, agonizingly painful death.

I met a really hot guy years ago and agreed to go to his place to have sex. Everything was going great until he was about to fuck me and I asked him if he had condoms, which he didn't. I said I would just finish sucking him until he came, which got him really angry. He threw me on the bed and fucked me anyway. I begged him not to cum in me the entire time, while crying. After about 20 minutes he stopped and complained, saying "if you're going to cry about it the whole time, fine, I won't. Get on your knees and I'll just finish by blowing all over your face". He was much bigger and stronger than me so I did what he said, just wanting to get out of there. I was at a club months later with a bunch of my friends and saw him at the bar when I turned around from getting a drink and he laughingly told the bar tender that I was a sissy faggot unworthy of his cock. My friends didn't have the balls to say anything, all but one, the only girl friend that was with us. She spit in his face and tore him a new asshole, because she knew exactly who he was by my reaction.

What was said wasn't the worst, but the circumstances when it was said makes it almost the worst.

I was 10 or 11 and a bunch of neighborhood bullies were beating the crap out of me down the street where we lived. My father noticed the fight and came running down the street shouting at the bullies to stop it and he was going to kick their asses. The bullies scattered and when my father got to me, he was surprised. He didn't know it was me. He said, "Oh, it's you." And he turned and walked back home without another word.

The message was clear. He thought he was rescuing some poor unknown kid from a pack of bullies. If he had known it were me, he wouldn't have bothered.

R165 isn't it somewhat telling that he's been saying these things for three years and you haven't once asked why he says it? Nor does it sound like you have told him it bothers you. Why is that?

R170 Huh?

My mother saying, well, you know I really love you, so be a good boy & go with this nice man, he won't hurt you. Turns out nice guy was a pedophile, sadist, she traffiked me to get some drugs. Any time my mother said You know I really love you, I knew something bad was about to happen. Made it really tough to allow someone to verbally say that loved me for a long, long time.

R272 he was telling a big fat LIE. No one pretends to love someone for 20 years. You can do better than some dishonest man-child.

r288, You win! Congratulations for continuing to draw breathe. You're a survivor.

In June 2019 I went to West Side Club. A muscle 🐻 entered my room and started inexpertly sucking me and praising my manhood. Then he asked if he could video himself sucking me off. I told him no. He kept insisting and I kept saying no. I told him to go to the internet and watch videos. He said that's not real life this is real life. When he knew I wasn't going to accede to his demands he said - You're lucky I'm..... - the music was blaring at the bathhouse so I couldn't hear the rest of that sentence but the next thing he said to me I heard clearly- I WOULDN'T LOOK AT YOU ON THE STREET.

That would have really hurt if he had been my type but a muscle bear is not my type. Plenty of guys would find him hot 🥵 but not me. It still stung. I said- goodbye and pointed to the door. He left. I know this is very mild compared to what other poor guys have had to endure from their own families - especially their parents but it was the most attitude anyone gave me ever.

"all faggots should be killed", from my brother and conventional wisdom in the early 70's . When I came out to him at 18 the first thing he did was apologize and he's a great guy and we're close but I totally internalized the fact that I was unsafe and unworthy.

At 15, I remember going to the library and reading everything in the medical and psychological texts after looking up homosexuality in the card catalog. Each source was more dire than the next. They all gave versions of depression, suicide, addiction, perversion, DEVIANT! Not a single source said ..."and many live normal lives."

Really, kudos to all of us for making it this far.

Lisa, what a lovely hat you have one.

I almost aborted you.

— my mother

Put the bottle down and try again R293.

The collective trauma of Datalounge is profoundly sad and staggering. We can be deservedly proud of our resilience.

But since this is Datalounge that is the only (vaguely) nice thing I will say for at least a year.

[quote] I also think a lot of abuse isn’t intentional but spur of the moment, and sometimes I have to realize my parents were doing their best to put food on the table some years and that there are stubborn and selfish personalities that don’t translate well when they become parents.

Some of our parents should not have been parents. The social and economic pressure to have a family was so great through the first 3/4 of the 20th Century. I've concluded that both of my parents were traumatized and/or mentally unwell. If they could have lived childless without stigma they would have. Their only gift to me was having me -- and that was the very best they could do. I had most of what I wanted and I was never hungry but I didn't get any of the love, comfort, affection or support that children need to become well-adjusted adults. They're gone and I'm here so I have to forgive.

There is some heartbreaking shit in these posts. I guess I've been lucky and I try to be nice to everyone, even here. I think I must let stuff roll off my back because the things I remember as the worst thing anyone said to me are from childhood.

I had a teacher once tell me in front of the whole class that my bad energy was disruptive to the class. I was just sitting there. I felt like she could see a really negative aura or my soul and that I was inherently a bad person.

And when I was about 5 my cousins and I were dancing to some record. My uncle started making fun of me and said I couldn't dance. I've never been a big dancer which is a shame because of the 80s-90s club days but I always feel so self conscious on the dance floor.

When I was in my mid-20's and very inexperienced in matters of love and sex, I was seeing a man I was madly in love with for around 8 or 9 months. I knew he had other guys he was seeing, but I stood back and watched as, one by one, he got rid of them and kept coming back to me. Foolishly, I thought "this must mean he really does care for me and might even love me, too."

One day, while planning weekend activities with him via text, he sent me back a message saying that our meetups were starting to feel like an obligation and that we should take a break. I was so shocked I couldn't even reply back. After all this time, to be considered simply an obligation hit me like a ton of bricks. It seemed so cruel. I never responded back. How could I? What would I have even said? I never saw him again and he never contacted me again until the night I announced my engagement on social media and he decided to send me a message totally unrelated to that news, but I always thought the timing was weird and I still wonder if that wasn't his way to saying he'd fucked up or that he still had some sort of feelings for me.

Oh, well. His loss.

r266 you're his Mr. Right Now and he'll always be looking for his "soul mate" and will most likely never find what he's looking for. If you enjoy the weekends with him and aren't looking for anything deeper than enjoyable company, sex, and experiences, continue to hang out but manage your expectations. If that's too hard, probably best to move on.

After a 5 year relationship, I was a Toyota and the new guy was a Mercedes-Benz😟

[quote]What’s the worst thing anyone has ever said to you??

The truth.

When I thought my ex and I were still working on our relationship after having a slightly rough time, I was told "Why would you want to be with someone who doesn't love you." That hurt and I haven't forgiven it.

Not sure exactly what the actual numbers for the world population is. I had a great friend who was so wise. He once said, when people don't love & affirm me I have 2 word for the......"Bye, Bye", I use that a lot. why waster precious time on people who will never love or affirm me. I just go onto the next person. Loads of people in this world. I have blest to find some to love & affirm me. The rest..Bye Bye.

I recently drifted apart from a very old friend (met in college). I realize that, at one time or another, she has criticized my hair, my facial features, parts of my body, etc. I used to chalk it up to: well, she's like a sister to me, she's just keeping it real. Then, I realized she never complimented me about anything. Also, I started "keeping it real" with her, even though I usually am more diplomatic. I didn't want to become a mean person.

Who needs that negativity.

"My parents were drunks. One night I was in bed and overheard a nasty fight. My mother told him my brother wasn’t his and he said ‘oh yeah? What about that thing in there.’ He was referring to me. My mother slurred ‘no he’s definitely yours.’ That was probably 50 years ago and I think about it every single day."

This post still pops up into my mind from time to time. What truly awful human beings. Is op still around? Could you tell us more about your experiences with your parents before and after hearing that? Did they treat you like shit?

One guy: You could be hot, if you'd just lose some weight.

Another guy: It'll take you at least a year to get into shape.

Thirty years ago I was having a fun night out at a gay bar in SoCal with three good friends, all of whom are very good looking. A guy comes up and wants to play superlatives with us. To my first friend he says, "you have the best butt". The next, "you have the best smile". The third, "you have gorgeous eyes". Now it was my turn. "And you..." scanning me up and down, "you have the best- looking friends". Everybody laughed. I was mortified.

“No one likes you”

My mother said this to be when I was 10. This was a few months after my father committed suicide.

Decades later, it still stings.

You've gained weight

Sorry R12, my mom said similar things to me. I hope you are okay and understand your mother was not right.

I loved my mom but she had some kind of undiagnosed mental illness and was unbelievably cruel.

Turn blue

Not the worst, but an estranged and dying ex once sent me an apology for his monumentally shitheaded behavior that was incredibly insulting, impersonal and formulaic. Since he was dying I did not protest but it was a weak and insincere apology.

He once said I was destined to be a lonely old person living alone with a houseful of beagles. At least I have that possibility.

Stay out of my garden!

A high school science teacher called on me to answer a question. When I answered correctly he said, “Well, even a stopped clock is right twice a day.”

R315?I would have said “suck my big asshole”!

I would have slapped that bitch into next week R308.

My son told me he was coming out of the closet. I'm gay and learned to pass as straight and have a macho image. I sacrificed my happiness so my family would not be tarnished. I never pursued same sex relationships and then my faggot son blows everything up. Gay runs in families so everyone knows gay genes exist in my family.

Senior year in high school. Economics class.

I was a quiet kid. Had a few girlfriends… this was LONG before I could admit, even to to myself, that I was gay. I wasn’t effeminate, wasn’t real macho, just kind of… neutral.

Anyway, the Economics teacher was a very loud and brash guy, maybe in his fifties at the time. He would joke and have rapport with the popular jocks in the class and mostly ignore everyone else.

One day during class, and I don’t remember what prompted this (maybe I was talking to someone during class?), he reprimanded me loudly. All I remember now is him saying, “…and do you know why?? Because you’re a FAG!” The entire class was stunned, and I heard one of the jocks (a girl who played basketball) say, “oh how mean!”

At the time it didn’t really faze me. I just thought, “that was a dumb thing to say.” As time went on, and now thirty years later, it bugs me. I wish I had the self-awareness and balls to call him out on it.

"Sometimes I have a hard time connecting with you. But I realized today that you're the only person in this family who understands me."

My most likely borderline mother has said many things to me that were much harsher on the surface at least. But I think this did a lot more damage than just about anything else she ever said.

I relate to r92's description of feeling like the bottom dropped out. I felt like someone pulled a trap door, and I was falling endlessly. I was in 2nd grade at the time, I think. I had no idea my mother was having trouble connecting with me, and I just knew it meant something was terribly, terribly wrong with me.

I grasped onto the second sentence and hung on for dear life. If I made her feel understood, I still had a function and a place with her and in the world, even if I was fundamentally flawed. I think that incident (which was bolstered by many experiences before and after), really shaped how I've approached relationships as an adult. I can't let people too close for fear of them seeing my terrible true nature. But my ability to understand and empathize with others has made me the confidante of many.

It can be a lonely way to go through life, though, fortunately, I enjoy my own company. And cats! And I know now that my mother was very disturbed and couldn't really connect with anyone. It was never about me.

Are you related to Bruce Villanch?

R227, you are correct- there’s a Stephen King movie that triggered me so badly because the family fought bitterly about property into death and it was like what I’d been dealing with my family for 30 years. I’m also going to say I’m a recovering drug addict with over a decade sober, and one time I had to open a glassine baggy for a shirt collar stay and it brought me right back to doing drugs. I also dropped a bag of kosher salt, spilling it on the floor and picking it back up felt like I was handling my then drug of choice. Sigh.

All I’m going to stay is it’s better the triggers you know… than the ones you don’t.

"You deserved [italic]the nom.[/italic]"

Abusive mother: You have an ugly personality and no one will ever like you.

She was wrong.

From my overseas aunt who I rarely see, at this weekend's extended family get-together: "you know, [my cousin, her son]'s new girlfriend looks just like you."

Now, hand on heart I can honestly say I have never closed the deal and shared incestu0s physical intimacy with said cousin (or with any of my cousins--I may be a hillbilly but I'm a high-class one!). Tbh though, in our horny teenaged past this cousin & me flew rather close to the wind a few times (flirting, light sexting, charged eye contact, chaste kisses and hugs that went on too long, etc,), and there's always been tension and chemistry between us for whatever reason. Up to now, I assumed nobody knew about it and it was just our weird unspoken secret to be left in the past, but the fact his mother just decided to tell me that out of the blue, without us even speaking on the subject, tells me she suspects, and perhaps he's said something that makes her think we've fooled around before.

My cousin's relationship with her (my aunt) is more fucked-up--emotionally-incestu0s, which is worse that anything I may have ever considered doing. Now we're all adults, and now I'm more aware of how messed up that part of my family is, I'd never have anything to do with them sexually, regardless of any attraction or curiosity. What seemed hot and fun and dangerous and swooningly dramatic at 18 years old just seems stupid by 28.

Plus, my cousin got paunchy, bald and ugly, which makes me feel better. He makes more money than me and his girlfriend is cute, though, so I have work to do.

" nice cup"

[quote] there’s a Stephen King movie that triggered me so badly because the family fought bitterly about property into death and it was like what I’d been dealing with my family for 30 years.

Which movie, may I ask? So I can avoid it, having also had family disintegrate over bitter, vicious, relationship-ending property disputes.

Your hair's too thick and your dick is too big! And on top of that, I can never take you anywhere where you don't get carded!

You need to ask?

Jean Paul Gautier dismissed me as a boring American preppie.

A boyfriend of 6 months:

“I love you but I’m not in love with you”. “Also haven’t you noticed that I will stop holding your hand when we are in public?”

I’ve had worse things maybe said to me but that stung as it all came from nowhere. Not in love and for some reason embarrassed to hold my hand in public.

Years and years before finding out my mother was borderline I was told a number times during her rages that I was a mistake and once that she regretted the day I was born. My siblings were never told such things. She’s dead now and I still can’t forgive for it. I was in my formative teen years and when you think a mother doesn’t love you it can wreak havoc on how you view yourself and your place in the world, and what you deserve out of life in just about every arena.

Lots of missed commas as it came straight from the heart but you get the idea ^

Oh and after telling me that at r331, he still wanted to continue seeing me and having sex with me. Completely over his head how hurtful what he said was.

There was a new thread similar to this one recently. Perhaps two weeks ago? Similar to this but more like "we write a lot about our comebacks when someone insults us, but what is the worst thing someone said to you that left you speechless where you had not comeback."

I told a story and a few posters asked me to expand but I had no time and now I do and I can neither find the original post via searching nor my watchlist. I possibly posted to it when I was not logged in. If you recall what I am talking about and can find, please post it here or just comment on it and it will show up on my watchlist.

I was overweight in high school and the man boobs were particularly large. I was extremely self conscious about it and I was at a party when I was about 18 and standing in a group of about 6-7 friends and this guy walks over who I didn't know and I had never met. Taps me on the shoulder and hands me a bra and says "hey is this yours?" while laughing. I could see 3 or 4 other guys out of the corner of my eye laughing as well. I am almost 60 and it still cuts me to my core. You would think I would be over it by now. I guess not.

"You have a negative outlook on every aspect of life.. Makes it really hard to enjoy your company"

Said by a guy I liked during his speech about why he's not interested in me. It shattered my perception of myself and my family. I grew up in a negative environment and sort of learned that behavior. I've had to work really hard to remind myself to look and talk up the bright sides of things. You know what, being a bit more positive and just in the moment, really does make things a lot less burdensome.

Glad he was so blunt. He didn't mean any of what he said in a negative way, it was from a place of concern. Thank you Austin for breaking me down so I could build myself up.

You have Dumbo ears

"I should have known you'd know where to find the boys and the booze!"

“All gay relationships are open”, he said after we had been together for 18 years. It was news to me.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn By fools in old-style hats and coats, Who half the time were soppy-stern And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf. Get out as early as you can, And don't have any kids yourself.

Well, this did not work out as I expected.

About 15 years ago an extended family member referred to me as “that boy _____ adopted” instead of “_____’s son.”

She was old and died soon after that but it still stung. I’ve always felt like both sides of my family largely ignored me because I was adopted and not a “real” family member.

R343, I am also an adoptee, though comments like that usually came from dolts outside the family. Have you considered a reunion search? You can often do it through DNA searches, although many states have opened their records.

It can give you an incredible sense of agency, even if what you find is not ideal. One of the bigger frustrations of being adopted is that everyone except you got to make decision. I did it for my own reasons, but I particularly enjoyed watching how finding my birth mother unsettled my super controlling, know it all aunt.

R344 my birth parents are dead and the half-siblings I have are in prison. I regret connecting with my half-brother as he was a manipulative sociopath.

Sorry, r345, the mileage can vary considerably. What you did was brave nonetheless.

You sure are ugly bitches.

R346 I was adopted at birth so my adoptive parents were always my real parents anyway. And my mom’s side of the family does favor my looks anyway.

These stories are all so terribly sad.

My god OP what a piece of shit. Was he at least drunk or on drugs. Inexcusable for him to say that to you and you known him since high school. Some people are so heartless.

My father had an abusive crazy mother and a weak, usually absent father. My grandmother did some really evil shit to my father and to my aunt - Mommie Dearest shit.

My father grew up to be a lonely, abusive, violent man but he was handsome so never had any trouble getting women and eventually met and married my mother and had kids with her. In a lifetime of horrific shit that he said, the worst was when he told me that he thought that his deranged mother got excited by beating him and that she liked it. He then went on to say that he felt he was much the same way, that he enjoyed giving me the beatings that he regularly doled out over the years, just like his mother had.

I was maybe 18 or 19 at the time and was frozen in horror. I said absolutely nothing and never mentioned it to him. I just stopped speaking to him or seeing him for many, many years. We "reconciled" if you want to call it that before he died but it was hollow and empty. By that time he had so much cancer ripping through his body that there wasn't any need to say anything.

As a child, I'd always assumed that somewhere inside he regretted his brutality but nope, he actually got off on it, knew that he got off on it, and did it anyway. Now I'm old, rich and live in a beach house on the California coast which was paid for with my inheritance from the miserable old bastard. Silver linings, bitches.

A gentleman caller once implied that mah ladybugs were evidence of poor hygiene! Can yew imagine? I gave that shameful rapscallion a piece of mah mind, but I am still crushed by his impudence! I never!

My dad used to drive me to school (highschool). one day on our drive he said "we should have killed you at birth." I mean, he didn't have to say it. was quite apparent.

Only when my mom wasn't home, & when I was really small, he used to have a friend come over who gave my sister and I silver dollars. there are a lot of memories that don't make sense. when I was 4 he showed me off to his friends saying how beautiful I was, and right then I thought to myself "he doesn't really think so."

Water under the bridge now.

Stepmother thought she was marrying money but my father gave it all away in a loan to someone who skipped town. Once she found that out, she didn’t even try to be nice to my brother and I anymore.

Right before I left for college she told me I was too lazy to succeed and not smart enough to either.

I didn’t like her but that stunned me. My father was right there and never spoke a word in my defense.

I did succeed, as far away from them as possible. They’re all miserable, right down to her lazy, 40-something live at home son.

"I wish you well."

“ I was in my formative teen years and when you think a mother doesn’t love you it can wreak havoc on how you view yourself and your place in the world, and what you deserve out of life in just about every arena.”

That’s so horrible and cruel . I went through something similar with both Parents and siblings . I still ruminate on it quite a bit . The damage was done and I am just in last few years healing process , but it’s hard to forgive . The pain gets worse

I was 12 years old and I was told I signed my grandmother’s death certificate because I was getting into trouble . My trauma was manifesting as rebellion and not giving a fuck . But I loved my grandma. I have many more appalling and cruel things said to me . My self esteem was destroyed

To R331, I have said that to men b4, but I had to be honest. The sex was great but God knows I had alot of practice, but I wasn't in LOVE with them

I never held hands with a man until Shaun, my perfect lover (1st a fuckbuddy) came into my life due to a barfight in North Jersey (In a strip club).

This thread has been so cathartic for me

My mother said, "I never liked you anyway."

I never thought of her as my mother ever again and didn't speak to her for the last 14 years of her life.

Reading this thread, I better understand why today's parents err on the side of the permissive. Trying to break the cycle of domestic toxicity.

R149 Your partner should not make you feel bad. If you haven’t already told him this bothers you you should. If he’s otherwise nice, perhaps he wants you to be evaluated and is frustrated? That is your decision.

[R149] ^^ Also, judging from the DL autism trolls, your partner might have no clue when autism is.

I'm not discounting any of these stories as painful to the people who wrote them. But I hope those of you who were hurt by parents or teachers or siblings or classmates disparaging you as a gay boy remember you ARE (and WERE then) gay.

If they meant identifying you as such to be a cruel or embarrassing comment , or (especially) used a hateful slur against you, that cruelty may be (and should be) unforgivable. But just knowing the fact you liked guys was actually knowing the fact of who you really were.

R357 “I was 12 years old and I was told I signed my grandmother’s death certificate because I was getting into trouble .”

I don’t understand. Can you please explain that?

Somebody told a 12-year-old the his/her bad behavior caused Grandma’s death.

I was called a dummy head and a booger and a half. Those words sting til this day.

[quote] [R357] “I was 12 years old and I was told I signed my grandmother’s death certificate because I was getting into trouble .”

[quote] I don’t understand. Can you please explain that?

It meant they thought he had taken night classes in advanced forensic science, Rose.

“I don’t know what you’re complaining about. You were so pudgy…you should be grateful somebody paid attention to you.”

My mother, when I told her I’d been molested by one of the priests at church.

Besides everything my ever lovin mother said to me?

I hated being barked at

One of my very closest friends, someone I was inseparable from for about 7 years (he was 20 when I met him, I was 26), until he finished his doctorate and moved away from the town where we were living, and someone I did so much for, things that were really unpleasant for me, such as cleaning out his refrigerator when he had neglected to pay his utility bill on time and the power was cut off, said to me once, "you're a cold person". This is someone I had traveled with, gone to bars with, shared intimate secrets with, laughed (and cried with), frequently cooked for, listened to, had long discussions with, knew one another's deepest darkest secrets, called daily. Most people who met us assumed we were lovers. I was just flabbergasted. It came out of nowhere. I asked him what he meant, and he said that I always moved to create distance between us when we were sitting watching TV or something. (This was not a sexual thing, we had met that way, but, as many gay people do, had moved into friendship fairly soon and didn't go back to that). I told him I thought it was just a factor of different notions of personal space - he was from NY, and Jewish, I was from the interior west where sometimes a living room is too small for 2 people to coexist in. He remained unconvinced. I found it incredibly hurtful. It didn't end our friendship, but I had to do a lot of soul-searching about whether I had invested too much in that friendship if after knowing me as well as he did, he could still think of me as a cold person. He was (is) something of a genius, intelligent, funny, and a great conversationalist, and I decided it was worth it to keep him a part of my life, but it was touch and go for a while.

Devastated, R371. Poor thing.

R371 I don't think I would be offended by that - it sounds as if he wanted more physical intimacy or affection and felt that you giving him space offended him. I think it says more about him than about you but you know him well so maybe you've interpreted it right.

It definitely says more about him, R373.

I'm so disappointed in you. My mother. It was like being punched in the gut. I wish she would have slapped me instead.

[quote]It definitely says more about him, 373. —Lipstick lesbian, OG

I know that you're trying to troll (and not being particularly funny or witty) but who is 'him' in this? For someone impersonating someone who claims to study language, you can do better than that.

Bye-bye, R376.

A couple from my recent past:

"I was going to invite you, but I forgot all about you."

"I'm not running away from you, I'm running towards something better."

Fuck.

That’s the real Lipstick Lesbian. Her authenticated account was wiped away Sunday night, so she had to revert to this one.

I’m sorry, we’re all out of prunes.

Go ahead and die already. I have other kids to raise.

~ my mother to me at age 16

An ex - "I'm used to being with partners far more interesting and social".

This was on the precipice of him breaking up with me. I've never been in a relationship since (long term single).. Not sure how much impact this had but I haven't forgot it. And I'm happily done with dating, btw. There is no motivation there, at all.

He's dead now, died in a watersports accident at 55. But at least he went out doing "interesting" and "social" shit.

A guy I sorta had a crush on kissed me and then paused and said "Huh, I guess I'm straight after all." and walked away.

When the doctors stopped working on my husband and one of them turned to me and said, "His heart stopped."

[quote]He's dead now

There’s nothing more satisfying than to outlive someone who was a total cunt. I had a nasty boss years ago who was a walking gash. Despicable in every way. She died during COVID. Whenever I’m feeling a little down, I think “You’re dead, Karen, and I’m not.” It always makes me feel better. Yes, her name was Karen and was a fitting name indeed.

“The best part of you ran down my leg.”

I thought people were overreacting to Hillary's comment about Nancy Reagan work with AIDS charities. Someone on FB was really pissed and I said "You're acting like Hillary caused AIDS!" and the person called me a "shitstain." I was very upset about it. What a horrible thing to call someone.

I was never a thin child. After my parents separated, I found comfort in food. By my early 20's, I had lost weight and, I thought myself pretty, smart, and funny. I dated throughout my 20s and early 30s but, at some point, it seemed I was always being cheated on. After a few years of that, I abandoned my healthy habits and gained about 30 lbs. I didn't think I was attractive but, a man I met did and we started dating. I worked in an office and he worked the third shift (overnights) for NJ Transit.

After dating for about 3 years, I was thinking this would progress to something more serious; living together and maybe, marriage. But he called me one day and said he'd met someone. He loved me (of course) but she worked the same shift he did and they both worked for NJT. He said he wanted to "see if there was anything there.' Devastated, I told him to go ahead. He asked if I would still call him and I told him no. I was going to let him do something he apparently didn't want to do with me which was focus on the relationship. I wasn't his buddy who would want to hear about his dates with her. I hung up on him and slid to floor and cried (yes, MARY!). He called me a couple of hours later and said he'd changed his mind and didn't want her after all. I told him it was too late. He'd already decided that there must be someone else out there better than me.

That was my last relationship. I had been cheated on when I was thin and not good enough when I was heavier and, at least to me, unattractive. I decided the common denominator in my relationships was me.

1) You don't know who you are.

2) Wake up to who you are.

[quote] He's dead now, died in a watersports accident at 55.

Oh, [italic]NO!![/italic]

You can die that way??

[quote] "I was going to invite you, but I forgot all about you."

Ugh! I've had people tell me they "forgot" to text / call me back, etc. I would never say that to someone, even if it were true! I always say something like: "I had a brain fart" and blame things on myself. I really hate that one. It's so rude.

Can’t you do anything right - used repeatedly throughout my childhood from mom . 😞

My father used to say to my mother (but for my hearing) "Where did we go wrong?" and used to mock me for being effeminate and not having friends. Very immature stuff but it's still inappropriate for a parent to say that to/in front of their child.

To R378, if any man ever made that 2nd comment to me, I would have punched him in the brain.

Seriously!!

Isn't saying you had a brain fart the same thing as saying you forgot?

R395, IMO, saying I had a brain fart is putting the onus on me. I'm the one who made a mistake. If you say, "I forgot to invite you," that's kind of saying that the other person is so insignificant, it's easy to forget.

Aside from various anti gay bullying from students (and later teachers) in my HS.....

The thing I remember in recent years was a former friend just unleashing a rant on me - in a text message but a rant nonetheless. I don't know if he felt underappreciated or something - some other friends suggested he had feelings for me - but he basically saved up every thing that had ever bugged him about me for 6 years and then blasted it at me.

I was shaken, though I knew it was really way more about him than me. I am usually a very empathetic and thin skinned person but in this case, I shook it off. It still made me sad, though.

Some posters would definitely benefit from therapy.

We're already in it, hun.

The first guy I ever fooled around with in school said something devastating to me at one point that ended our friendship. We weren't dating or anything. We were young, in Jr High, and just fooled around regularly, nothing serious. Being gay was super taboo, so that wasn't even discussed, it was just friends with benefits and "guys being guys" sorta stuff. Then he had sex with a woman one weekend, and the next time he saw me, he told me about it and finished with "... I don't need YOU anymore." and walked away. And we went from being daily friends, to me never really seeing him or talking to him any more.

Was barely a teenager and felt so USED, and then thrown away.

MARY!

[quote] Was barely a teenager and felt so USED, and then thrown away.

THROWN AWAY LIKE TRASH!

CHAMPAGNE JUBILEE!

BIG PICTURE WINDOW!

Why quit smoking? It's probably too late, anyway. He's dead now, I'm not.

Oh yeah, and that guy grew up to be a right-wing religious conservative Republican pro-life tool with a wife and three kids (all girls). The same guy that fooled around with a dozen different guys in Jr High, and would show his dick to just about everyone he could, at any time, anywhere, public or not. Thankfully he also got fat and unattractive as he aged into middle-age (he had a rocking body in his teens).

R404 did he have a big one before the fat set in?

Yes. Well, thick anyway. He loved to show it off.

At least I wasn’t called a moldy cunt.

R298

Your uncle mocking your dancing breaks my heart (everything on this thread does). You were a child, feeling free and happy and blissfully moving your body, only to be teased. Awful. I’m so so sorry.

A bitch told me my cupcakes were tasteless, dry and that no man had ever really enjoyed my cupcake because it was never moist.

I then went to her dressing room and left a steaming, wet pile of cupcake-colored shit in her chair.

I was about 10. My mother and her friend were getting ready to leave to see a movie together, I asked if I could go and she said no it was just the two of them.

I JOKINGLY said "fine! I know when I'm not wanted!"

My mother replied, "no you don't."

Gutted.

I was about 10. My mother and her friend were getting ready to leave to see a movie together, I asked if I could go and she said no it was just the two of them.

I JOKINGLY said "fine! I know when I'm not wanted!"

My mother replied, "no you don't."

Gutted.

Words can so wound 🥹

Words are like weapons; they wound sometimes.