Downsizing An Estate While Parents Are Still Alive

You could take it to an estate sale/auction. Some things will go for more than you expect, however most will go for practically nothing. Personally, it would hurt me to know how little some of my belongings went for.

Or you could try eBay, which is a lot of work.

No matter what, it is a very tedious and demoralizing task. Don't expect to get much more than $10,000 at auction for a whole house of stuff.

It truly sucks. It's easier if you live in a big city though - there's more of a market.

Is donating to a charity out of the question? Better than the dump. It’s a good idea to de-clutter late in life. I’m mid 60s and doing that right now. Why? Because my parents didn’t and I was stuck with the mess. I make regular donations to HousingWorks in NYC. Good cause.

My parents built a smaller home in a retirement community, moved the things they (and I) wanted to keep, and turned everything else (including the nearly fully furnished house) over to an auction company. They walked out the door, didn’t attend the auction, and got a check in the mail, and that was that. No doubt could have gotten more, but didn’t want to deal with it.

Couldn't you trade them in for parents with stuff you'd actually want?

My aged mother has over 100 wicker baskets in her basement. Efforts to get her to get rid of them have been met with anger.

R3 - that is the easiest way. The estate auction moves all the stuff and takes care of everything - for a price of course.

It is overwhelming to get rid of people's life possessions after they die. It just sucks.

I just moved from a 3/2 house to a 4/2 . I had lived in my former house for 20 years. When I started packing up I had NO idea how much shit I really had ! Ive always been an acquirer and I do love pretty things everywhere, but the amount I pulled out of closets,drawers and cabinets was truly off the charts. So much had been tucked away for so long I had completely forgotten about it. I gave a ton away,donated a ton to thrifts and I still had 47 small,medium and large boxes I moved . Thats not counting furniture,art,etc. I unpacked for days,and I still have 15 boxes to go. Not a hoarder as my house doesnt look crowded,but I definitely have a problem. The problem is that Ive been a thrifter/estate sale junkie for decades,and I found some very nice things ,not junk or kitsch . But his has made me reevaluate my entire love of things. I dont care about burdening my family with it,as I hate most of them,but I dont want all of this stuff cluttering my mind !

When my father died, I sold most of his woodworking equipment on either FB Marketplace or eBay. The small stuff went on eBay and the big stuff went on FB Marketplace. I ended up selling about $10K worth of stuff in about 3 months.

I'm in the process of helping my mother do this, we just list everything on Kijiji, used.com, eBay, reverb.com and craigslist, and everything we've listed has eventually sold or been given away free. It does take time for some items but if you price things reasonably, most likely someone will take it eventually. We're selling all her Hummels to some guy on Monday, actually. And her dining room set is going later in the week.

OP, are your parents on board with actually getting rid of some of their belongings? That wicker basket story upthread sounds very common.

My mom had a terminal disease, was a packrat, and I didn't have the heart to pressure her into getting rid of stuff. I ended up doing that after she died.

She was good about telling me what assets she had (bank accounts, etc.).

Agree with the poster upthread about the possible low market value for china, candlesticks, etc. If parents are willing to part ways with stuff, I'd try to sell it off in lot(s) instead of piece-by-piece.

R5 r4

My uncle took a lot of his late wife's expensive China and dishes and stuff to one of those places that photograph the stuff and put it on ebay. Almost everything sold.

OP, you don't say how old your parents are but if they are elderly and plan to stay in their current residence, why put them through this now? Their possessions likely aren't worth that much but that doesn't mean their things aren't valuable to them. To avoid any emotional upheaval, I didn't force the issue with my parents. When they were both gone, I had an auction company come in. What they didn't want was donated to various charity resale shops or trashed.

OP. I’d love to see the sterling. I collect.

Thanks for your replies! I'm going to work on some of this--and yes, some of it is going to have to go in lots. Another obstacle I'm finding with Ebay etc. is that you price yourself out with the shipping. The objects are so heavy and expensive to pack and then insure if they're breakables, that they're not worth sending.

Do NOT send to a charity. The furniture, no matter how good , will most likely be trashed, particularly if it is dark wood. Often things are just dumped into large wheeled bins for people to dig through. Hire an auction house that specializes in clear outs.

I would also discourage estate sales while your parent still live in the house. The chances of a burglary after the fact are very, very, high.

I am staring in the face of this issue, but it is on steroids. My 95 year-old mother has lived in her home for 70 years and has been the recipient of several generations of “stuff” which she truly believes is valuable. The house is drowning in her stuff, my grandmothers’ stuff, my great grandparents stuff, as well as stuff from old maid aunts, great aunts and great-great aunts.

I do not live near her. When she dies (NOT PASSES), I hope I can find someone who will offer me a lump sum for everything, with the proviso that they have X number of days to moved it out of her house. I have zero interest in non-working clocks, dolls, mismatched this. chipped that, etc. As a child of the Depression, she has clung to belief that these things are a financial lifeline, when in reality, it isn't even rummage sale quality. The last thing I want to do is EBay. The time it would take to organize, photograph and list each piece on EBay is far too great.

R5 it sounds like your mother is under the influence of the strong Weevil Lobbyist group. They need those baskets for shelter and sustenance.

[quote]I would also discourage estate sales while your parent still live in the house. The chances of a burglary after the fact are very, very, high.

So I am trying to clean out my recently deceased mom & step dad's home; it's not that cluttered, but every drawer, cupboard - is. full. of. stuff! They have some stuff of value, but not a lot. I am trying to do all this from another state, but I am curious about the estate sale/robbery angle. Once you advertise what you have, you leave yourself open to someone to break in & just take it?

"We're selling all her Hummels to some guy on Monday, actually."

Anybody know what these are worth anymore? My mother about 50 of them.

Have an estate down-sizing sale. I love going to those and always but something.

r19 - It's safer if you do it in this order:

1. Set aside and remove what you want to keep. 2. Toss the junk 3. Take better jewelry to get appraised and send it to a better off-site auction company. 4. Call Goodwill or a local charity to take away low value items 5. Hire an on-site tag sale company and charge them with clearing out the house over a one or two day sale. What doesn't sell they are charged with removing that day and taking to auction or the dump.

No one has the address until the end of the process and the house is empty quicker.

OP Unless your parents have a Van Gogh hidden away I doubt them will have anything worth much.

So much old stuff has gone down in value over the last 10 years and COVID has also added to this. I do think it is a good idea for oldies to get rid of stuff whilst they are still alive - if only to see your stuff go to good homes so to speak, rather than the rubbish dump when your dead.

My partner and I have been off loading stuff for the last couple of years as has my elderly mother. Rule no. 1 don't part with anything you really don't want to but I find even at middle age and wonder why the fuck did I buy some of the stuff I've got.

r23, you're

The dumpster is your friend

There are companies that come in, appraise everything, and tell you what is worth something and what isn’t. Then they sell in and keep a percentage.

This is usually done when a person has died but you can hire them anytime.

Visiting my sister, I was shocked by how clean her house was. My sister isn't a clean person. She explained that after moving several times in her 20s for school and jobs, she got sick of packing all her stuff every few years and then got used to not having a lot of things.

It inspired me to keep clutter from forming.

It is amazing how much the prices have gone down on this stuff. When you watch Antiques Roadshow now (reruns), they show the then price and the now price. It seems as though most of the prices have gone down. Why is that?

My parents are considering moving from a house to a condo. They are still fairly young but I think it's never too early to think about starting to downsize. Can anyone commiserate over having a parent who is unwilling to part with stuff and thinks that everything is worth something? I have tried explaining many times to my mother that it only takes a quick ebay search of completed/sold items to tell what something is actually worth. I'm all for trying to sell big-ticket items with brand recognition, but not every last thing is worth something these days, especially things like china. There is no way I am helping to photograph and list stuff that isn't going to sell for more than the opportunity cost of putting it up for sale. Her mentality that everything is worth something is tied up with her sentimentally about the stuff. I'm done trying to help because she won't listen to real talk and seems to want to keep everything anyway. I think she should just plan to store everything in a storage locker.

R28 Less people care about/buy antiques.

Not only that, but antique stores, online auctions, etc. are flooded with stuff from aging boomers that their kids are desperate to get rid of as they don't have the room to store (and they just don't want). It's definitely a buyers market for that kind of stuff.

R26, these are Estate Sales Companies.

I had a friend who used one when his parents died.

They came, determined what had value and what didn’t, bought what had value, threw away anything that didn’t.

My friend hardly lifted a finger

I think many older people get very emotional about getting rid of stuff—we all have a little hoarder in us

burn the place down!

If your parents have nice things,not the run of the mill shit,I highly urge you to get at least 2 appraisals. That way you will know youre not being taken to the cleaners. Many unscrupulous estate sale companies out there. Especially be careful with art and jewelry . A friend of mine went to an estate sale and bought several boxes of shoes ,and on one pair there were what he thought were costume shoe clips. Come to find out,they were real diamond clips from Cartier,and he sold them for $10,000 !

R28 Demand for collectibles is way down. It's partly generational. Younger generations aren't much into collecting and when they are their tastes aren't the same as their parents' and grandparents'.

Boomers in particular don't want their parents' stuff and that's dumped a lot onto the market. Just read this thread!

Ebay's also brought the price of collectibles down. That Royal Doulton cup with the hand-painted periwinkles turns out not to be so rare after all.

I wonder if Replacements.com ever purchase used china in good condition. I am on their mailing list for my china and some of what they are selling for mine (which I've had for a very long time) are labeled as having some wear and are priced accordingly.

r37 - I took a bunch of my grandmother's stuff to Replacements about 10 years ago as I was driving thru NC anyway. They took about 30 minutes to determine what they wanted and made me an offer. They bought about half and offered to throw away the remainder or I could take it with me. I made about $1200.

You can also ship it for appraisal, but you are really at their mercy at that point as they know you won't want to pay to have it shipped back.

R37, yes Replacements will buy china and silver sets. We used them when we downsized and got more money for items than we would have through a yard sale or estate sale.

Please consider a qualified appraiser for all collectibles; use an auction house or similar if possible. My father died with a 64-year collection related to his life's work; being a worldwide expert in his field, he'd amassed items net valued at several tens of thousands of dollars. And specifically wanted all sold together to the highest-bidding relevant museum or serious collector.

Choosing not to hold a funeral, his executrix sold 1/3 for ten grand at an unpublicized silent 'memorial' auction ten days later. She sold another third piecemeal to minor enthusiasts in Dad's field and fans of his at pennies on the dollar--shredded or trashed the rest. Not mentioned in his will or trust, I had no way to stop her.

You’re hitting the greatest wealth transfer in the history of man blah blah blah.

As your parents are not dead, you’d might as well let them enjoy their shit. It’s not going to be worth more or less as time goes on and you don’t want to be accused of throwing away treasures. You will be blamed for any imagined loss by someone.

If you can get them to move, you have a chance as noted above - taking best of breed to a smaller location and leaving the remainder. You’ll provide a dumpster and leave everything in place; you’d be surprised what sells (old towels and half-used sundries). Don’t interfere once the clean out begins - that will be part of the contract as items are priced.

Is anyone in younger generations even buying china anymore? Who gives big dinner parties that wood previously have required china?

My parents has a ton of that shit. My sisters and I only want stuff you and stick in the dishwasher and microwave

I subscribe to a subreddit where people post their thrift shop hauls. It never ceases to amaze me, what people consider “treasures”. Your parents’ stuff may not rake in a bunch of cash, but someone will rhapsodize over that mushroom cookie jar or burgundy velvet armchair and be all “I’m swooning for this hobnail candy dish!”

[quote] It seems as though most of the prices have gone down. Why is that?

Nothing is rare on the internet when you can get a rare item sent to you from all over the world and can even compare prices of said rare item offered by different sellers online.

Personal attachment to material objects is a big issue in our society. Usually buyers don't give a fuck about the object's backstory and relationship with you unless you are a celebrity or the object was once owned by a celebrity. But for the average person letting go of an object that was handed to you by a loved one, or it was part of your childhood, is very troubling for some.

I’m 60 and something about the pandemic made me want to lighten my load, so to speak. I’ve always been a collector but last year and needed to get rid of everything I’ve amassed that I don’t need. It’s been eye opening. Things I had thought might be valuable, are not. Nothing is as valuable as it might have been 15 years ago. People are just not into collecting anymore. That said, things that have clear markings seem to sell as well as odd old magazines I have kept. But no one ever gets rich selling collections.

A month before my mother died, she decided to downsize her apartment at an assisted living facility to a smaller one bedroom. She called an auction house and they took her bigger pieces of furniture. She got pennies for it but it was gone. Literally one month later she was in hospice. I looked back on her actions and realized she was getting her affairs in order and making things much easier for her sons, who all lived far away. It was a final act of generosity in what had been a life as a great mother and caregiver.

That's the message to the Boomers here: nobody's going to spend months sorting out the good stuff from the bad in your old place. It's all getting dumped.

So if you've got a few pieces that might have some value, deal with them now or set them clearly aside. And yes, that's a hard process to start.

I think the only benefit of sorting other people's valuables is when you are curious about other people and what they considered valuable. The actual process of dissolving a household can be incredibly tedious.

[quote]That's the message to the Boomers here: nobody's going to spend months sorting out the good stuff from the bad in your old place. It's all getting dumped.

I genuinely tried with my mom; even stuff like those disposal aluminum pans (she had a surprisingly large collection) - she would not part with!

While I think some people have a sense of their own mortality, a lot of old people carry on the delusion that one day they might feel up to hosting a dinner party & will need all those damn aluminum pans!

Of course if we all started downsizing, then those self-storage companies would be going out of business.

My impression is they're thriving.

Letting go is probably one of life's ultimate challenges. And most of us fail miserably.

But is it a failure?

Sure, it makes life a lot simpler for your heirs, but that's it. There's nothing inherently noble about clearing out your bookshelves. Particularly if you derive some comfort just having your books around.

Swedes have a word for this - döstädning, which translates to death cleaning

A lot of elders simply cannot grasp the concept of "high-end" material goods declining in value: antique furniture, china, collectibles. It runs counter to decades and decades of their life experience.

Go to estatesales.net and you will find a listing of reputable estate sales dealers. You can check out some of their past auctions to see how they work, etc. Of course, you can also decide to see estate sales going on in your area and end up adding more stuff to your house like I have! Some dealers take a cut of the proceeds and others add on a surcharge that is paid by the buyer (sort of like a sales tax). Honestly, I think they do a great job and deal with something that seems overwhelming. Some do only in-person, traditional, sales, and others do fully online sales since COVID started up. Personally, I love the online ones because you don't have to try to be somewhere early to beat out other people, you don't have to drive all the way somewhere to see what they have and decide you don't need any of it, etc. Besides, an auction style situation is much more likely to reflect true market value, be that high or low.

Replacements.com also deals in some collectibles, like annual plates and Christmas ornaments.

Okay, but WHY is it that people don't want nice things anymore? Is there just too much stuff to choose from? I get that taste in furniture has changed. But some of that stuff is nice and you would think that people would want a pretty desk or chair at least. And nice art is still nice art. I would love to own some nice art. I get why china isn't doing well. Not that many people want to set a formal table. The funny thing is that silverplated flatware is still doing fine. I dabble in selling it on Ebay and I am still doing fine with it. The prices have gone up, if anything. (I am very small time at this.) I focus on silver that is at least 100 years old, not the mid-century stuff.

[quote] Okay, but WHY is it that people don't want nice things anymore?

Because they usually clash with all the other fancy interior design elements of their potential new home. Everybody is now a critic and interior designer these days, apparently.

[quote]But some of that stuff is nice and you would think that people would want a pretty desk or chair at least.

I also think a lot of people like Ikea (junk) furniture, because it's largely disposable.

Nobody want China, crystal, silver and table linens anymore.

[quote] Okay, but WHY is it that people don't want nice things anymore?

"Nice" is, largely, a subjective term. People want to fill their houses with what they think is nice, not what somebody else thinks is nice.

These are things that a fragile and expensive and meant to impress people during formal dinner parties. They must be hand washed. Ain’t nobody got time for that now. Plus, you need to store them and pack and unpack them when you move. Feh.

If the parents are to stay in the house until they die, it seems cruel to sell off their many "treasures" and have them go through the separation and also learn young people consider it worthless crap. Dump it all after they are gone.

Auctionninja.com has lists of companies who will sell the household contents. I love looking through the online listings in my area, many are very swish but lots are pretty run of the mill stuff.

My mom is a hoarder of crap, I told her I am calling the 800-got junk truck when she's gone. I want not one thing from that house, I rescued all the family snapshots and scanned them 10 years ago, nothing else matters to me.

My mom was a semi-neat & organized packrat, had a Depression era mindset. Some of the stuff she hoarded was stuff she just couldn't bear to throw away (empty containers, etc.). She didn't have china and sterling silverware.

Old heirloom furniture is heavy and too large for smaller modern apartments/condos. People move around a lot more than they used to and hauling giant furniture is expensive and a pain. As I get older I don't want to move heavy furniture even to clean behind it anymore, so the dust bunnies stay put until opportunity arises. I just had my nephew haul away a bunch of old stuff to the dump. I feel 100 lbs lights! It feels good to get rid of stuff that just takes up space. I came across this article the other week about how stuff just sitting there clogs up your personal energy system - it's physics, people!

I did a declutter project in the summer of 2020. Went through all my storage areas, cabinets, drawers, boxes, etc. Felt really good afterwards. Also did a visual declutter (wires, cords, things on my refrigerator, etc.).

And for the people who hold on to stuff tightly with both hands, I am reminded of Olympia Dukakis' line in Moonstruck, "I just want you to know no matter what you do, you're gonna die, just like everybody else."

Why don't people want nice things? Well, couples don't entertain these days like previous generations. I was born in 1960. My mother occasionally worked as a substitute teacher, but otherwise was a SAHM. My father was a college professor. They had his colleagues to dinner, held dinner parties for friends, and hosted bridge parties. My mother also played hostess to ladies group meetings with coffee and pastries. My father hosted barbecues in the backyard. So, we had a full set of china with extra cups and saucers, a big coffee urn, a full dining room suite with a cabinet to hold the china and crystal. We also had a full set of every day dishes big enough to serve at those barbecues. There were candy dishes, card tables, folding chairs. table cloths, napkins, fancy playing cards, etc.

Do you know anyone today who entertains like that?

r69 my partner and I used to entertain a lot for 20+ at a time and have all the stuff to do so, but even before COVID most people just don't reciprocate so why bother? We'll entertain from now on for our nearest and dearest only.

Gawd, the eleganza of it all, R69! Perhaps ancient society ladies in Marbella, or Mendoza Argentina. I mean, candy dishes and napkins and fancy playing cards! Really ancien régime!

People who have household staff can still entertain like that without a crazy amount of stress. But the styles have still changed and they're probably not using the same kinds of plates & glasses, etc., as what our aged parents collected.

R60, I'm telling you, people still buy silverplate.

Not the parents but rather what two older gay friends left when they died: four suitcases full of 1960’s to ‘90’s gay porn, mostly magazines, and maybe fifty VHS porn tapes.

Is there any value to old porn?

Mother still likes to set an elegant table for the Sunday roast, so it's hand-stitched linens (ironed in our advance by our girl) and silverplate flatware. Waterford crystal goblets and fresh cut flowers in a vase. Long white tapers, unlit.

Even if it's just the two of us. Which it always is.

As Mother reminds me, we're not farmers. Or gypsies.

I just downsized my parents, so much quicker and simpler.

Unlike my parents, when I dine with friends, I meet them at a restaurant. The trend is using the home for nesting or cocooning rather than entertaining. Women's magazines don't push tabletop items or recipes for entertaining like they did in the 60s. I hear more about man caves or she sheds than dinner parties. I see more spreads on hosting outdoor meals with fancy grills and accessories, outdoor coolers, fire pits, outdoor furniture rather than chocolate souffles or canapes. We don't have people over as often, so if we indulge in conspicuous consumption, it tends to be in cars, clothes, vacations, not fine china and crystal. and mahogany furniture People who want to play card games or board games use MeetUp rather than hosting card parties. I occasionally hear of straight guys having poker nights, but that's about it.

I have a straight brother who has poker nights. I gave him a shit ton of family heirlooms when I left the country. He uses it all like a straight guy, very haphazardly and casually. It's very charming that way. People should give all the crystal and china to their bohemian straight sons and brothers who are too lazy to shop and aren't purist about anything at all. They'll use it until it breaks, they drop dead, or they marry controlling women.

Good post r69

Oh R75 ,silverplate ? Bless your heart !

[quote] Unlike my parents, when I dine with friends, I meet them at a restaurant. The trend is using the home for nesting or cocooning rather than entertaining.

Lots of younger people have small apartments & also don't know how to have a dinner get-together. I don't think people are saying: "Oh, my apartment is for cocooning and nesting, I refuse to entertain."

Sorry, didn’t mean to be an asshole about ppl not knowing how to have a dinner get-together. I have a small place and don’t entertain. Not enough space. My point is that it’s a skill to entertain and, no, I’m not great at it.

I don't think it's a conscious choice, it's more what's promoted by advertising and media. That plus

no home economics classes

fewer housewives

more awareness of diet contributing to health, particularly heart disease, so fewer heavy sauces, lower fat

extended adolescence

and now people different sorts of lives, socialize differently, and need different accoutrement. More fancy grills and tailgating, fewer formal dinners.

R75 = Norman Bates

R75 is parody, gals.

"Nesting"

"Cocooning"

Good Lord. Do you people ever get out of sweatpants?

It's called "loungewear," now.

Something to browse while you bitch about your parents and all their opportunities.

Go away, Oopgay!