How to stave off people who take advantage of your kindness

I am guessing your name is Mat, OP.

This used to happen to me. Several years ago, I I started to use "I fly, you buy." I.e., if you go get lunch, I'll pay for both. If I'm going and you ask me to get you something, you pay.

It has worked like a charm.

Stave?

Perhaps you could avoid those people in your life by returning to your Romance Novel Workshop, OP.

I hear what you are saying OP but be very aware that 99% of people will never reciprocate. They just won't no matter how much you idealize in your own head that good people will be self-aware, considerate, think about others and do the right thing and reciprocate. This applies especially to the those like your colleague who ask you to do things like purchase lunch or whatever else they ask you to do for them. They ask you because you do it - when most people say no or make an excuse. Most people wouldn't ask in the first place.

Yes it is your fault for letting it happen.

I have learned through long experience that saying no (in whatever form so that it doesn't need to be offensive) to these types of people and keeping your mouth closed and not offering to do things for them will release you from this and mean you don't have to deal with the inevitable anger, hurt, misery (as you have expressed in your post) and completely wasted time spent thinking about these kinds of people.

[italic]How do you state boundaries in this context without coming off like a prick?[/italic]

Colleague: "Can you pick me up something for lunch?"

You: "Oh sorry I don't have any spare cash today...", "Sorry I'm running around doing stuff so I don't want to be weighed down...", "I'm meeting someone...", "I'm too busy doing chores at lunchtime", "I can't today sorry" and "No."

I hate being rude to people too, and used to find myself used a lot like this. I'm very friendly and happy to help others out, and I imagine you're the same, OP, in that it's not that you expect tit-for-tat just so much as you hope there a general level of mutual respect rather than one-way system.

I've learned to cope with it by, in a very friendly way, putting the ball back in their court. "Sure! I can pick you up lunch, just put the money on my desk and I'll grab it just before I head out!"

Honestly, with people like that, you can actually see the realisation come into their eyes, and they usually don't continue after that because you're presenting to them from a position of strength or equality there. If she says: "Oh, I don't have any on me right now, can I pay you back?" come up with excuses: "Sorry, I only have a couple of dollars on me now and forgot my card at home today, I'm such a doofus!" Keep giving it back like that. They will get the hint, but you will have been your lovely, trying to be accommodating self, and they have nothing to get upset with you about. Their upset will be obvious to them as being because they couldn't scam you out of money.

Ooh, I just saw R4 come in too - he has great ideas there as well.

While it can seem annoying you have to come up with excuses, you won't have to more than once or twice.

What R4 said, OP. You need to be ready with the quick excuse. It has always worked for me. And whilst it is hard to say no, once you begin saying it you get more confident. We don't owe these bit part players in our lives, so stop twisting yourself into a pretzel for someone who wouldn't do the same for you.

Why don't you get separate receipts and give it to her saying the amount as in yours is 8.50. If you have a 10 I can give you 1.50. 'Can I give it to you tomorrow?' Well how about you get lunch for both of us tomorrow? Also start asking her for favors. When it becomes a hassle for her it won't be worth it. Sometimes it's more comfortable for both parties when it isn't brought out obviously in the open considering you must work closely with her.

You seem just as desperate for attention as her.

Verbal diarrhea is unbecoming, OP.

Learn brevity.

I propose a bowel movement on his desk, like Duck Phillips on mad men.

Ask her for her card and you’ll pay her back because you left your cash and cards at home. Then don’t pay her back. If she brings it up then confront her on how much she owes you. Or key her car and relish that she will have to shell out some cash to fix it.

"verbal", R9?

R12 Get your punctuation in order.

R13 that rule only applies in American English

R13, the comma/quotation order is such a minor matter, I hereby declare you a fanatic!

R11 = the worst advice possible.

Capitalization applies outside American English, R14

Can someone please start a thread on the best ways to kill R12, R13, R14, R15 and R17?

Their deaths should be slow, painful, interesting and heavily creative. The standard greasefire methods just won't do the trick in this case.

TIA!

You teach people how to treat you by what you let them get away with.

Before COVID I traveled a lot, whenever someone asked me to bring them back a specific item I always told them, "Sure, I won't have any extra money, so give me what you want to spend and if I see it, I will get it for you".

OP, you're the victim of 'hit and run.' I would strongly suggest running through the situations where you look back and think 'WHY did I let that happen AGAIN?' Run through what happened, and rehearse what you WOULD have said. Do it frequently. When it comes up you'll have your response out of your mouth before they can reply. But, because these human serpents are old hands, be ready for Step 2. They'll more than likely hit back with something nasty. 'No,' is what you say, as you turn around and walk away. If you're at your desk and you can't walk away, a firm , 'I need to get back to work,' followed by staring at your screen or picking up a documet. Ignore them after that. It's not easy, you must develop a thick skin about whether or not you're liked. Because a truly balanced coworker would never pull this crap. Keep doing it. Believe me, the parasite will go in search of another host. And keep your ears pricked in case they start dogging you behind your back. You can be certain they will.

You’ll get sick of it and change at some point I did. You can’t be concerned with people like if you all the time.

I was brought up to be kind and accomodating--which resulted in many selfish jerks taking advantage of me over the years. Now I make it clear from the first few communications that while I'm nice, I don't take kindly to being used. Like the other poster said, practice things you can say and say them firmly but in a 'nice' voice. I've found you can say almost anything to people if you smile and sound friendly! Throws them every time.

Learn to say "No.". It's a simple as that. It can be difficult for some, but it's incredibly liberating.

Fart in her face.

“Why, aren’t you the joker!” is what my great-aunts would say to people making unreasonable requests. It let both parties off gracefully.

[quote]the type who will ask you to grab her something for lunch while you're out, and forget to ever pay you back.

Pee in her Coke. Spit in her food.

Quit your job and move to a new city. It’ll be easier than overcoming your meekness.

[quote]I don't mind doing things for people, but I expect it to be reciprocated to some degree. I don't know how to navigate the situation without causing an explosion because I work directly with her, whereas others in my workplace have some distance. I don't want to create a rift that makes my everyday work life miserable, but I also don't want to be sucked dry by a vampire. How do you state boundaries in this context without coming off like a prick?

First, at the time she "forgets" to pay you, you simply say, "That was 10.99, by the way". Or you say, "I think you forgot to pay me." Or, show her the receipt, circled with the amount she owes you. And say, "This was what your meal cost." Then she comes off as a prick if she still doesn't pay you. This is just simple assertiveness, which it sounds like you have a problem with. As Eleanor Roosevelt said, no one can take advantage of you without your consent.

Sprinkle salt on her head. Kills leeches.

Just kick her in her cuntbone.

[quote]will ask you to grab her something for lunch while you're out,

Good lord. Lunch is a break from work, not errand boy time. If you're not feeling the generosity of being be a free DoorDash courier who pays for his customers' food, just politely say "No, I've got stuff to do and a limited amount of time today."

[quote]I don't know how to navigate the situation without causing an explosion

Were you abused as a child? The child of an alcoholic? Let it go. Living in fear is toxic. Being coerced into doing others' bidding because they threaten tantrums is codependent behavior. All adults have to deal with people at times who are incapable of handling their own shit. You're not exempt.

If you can afford to buy lunch for your coworker regularly you can afford a therapist. Go to one and tell him you value paying to be be an errand boy for a queen charity case train wreck more than possessing the dignity of being able to say no to things you don't want to do. See how he responds.

Is she doesn’t pay you when you return, it is now your dinner and the bitch can starve.

White Southern honor culture.

Even if someone fronts the cash, I still would not want to spend my lunch time buying lunch for anyone else but me. You have to get used to saying no, without much explanation.

Coworkers are not your friends. Quit or get fired and you will not hear from anybody.

Take care of yourself first.

“I am not an errand boy”. Preferably say this to her in front of another coworker. Bag your own lunch from home and avoid all of this!

R36, Years ago, I had just been hired into a new department, and one of the senior ladies proceeded to write out a note as to what she wanted me to buy her for her lunch. After allowing myself to be exploited by previous co-workers, I worked up the nerve to hand the note back and say, "Sorry; I don't fetch." Well, that certainly caused a lot of drama! But I never again was asked to pick up anyone's lunch after that incident.

r35 "We're all a big family here", except the bosses want to exploit you for as little money as possible, and your co-workers won't remember your name one year after leaving the place. I'm in education, taught at some private schools, and they use that bullshit to get you to do crazy stuff like go for 4 days camping trips with kids unpaid, and spend weekends babysitting. "Chip in, we are a community and love each other." Next year they cancelled my Blue Cross Blue Shield and gave me 400 bucks a month Obamacare (emergency room for everything). Quit there, three years later nobody I worked with is still there. Real tight family community.

I usually have one or two real friends at a job, work friends. The rest are just co-workers and most suck. I would never ask anyone to get me lunch, and would at least pre-pay to make it less awkward.

[quote] Can someone please start a thread on the best ways to kill [R12], [R13], [R14], [R15] and [R17]?

We would, except you wouldn’t be able to read it.

"Oh, no, I don't like to buy lunch and pick up things for others at work. Inevitably the orders get complicated, they arrive wrong in some detail and it's my fault for not insisting the sandwich maker allow me to inspect the lettuce carefully and see that it's to what I think my colleague's requirements are... Anyway it's a fucking nuisance and then you get trapped doing it again and again for people who are quick to ask you to do them a favor yet I have to remind th 3 times to pay me and they get a little humpty about it. Long explanation, I know, but now you get the picture: that's why I don't pick up anything for anyone at work!"

“They didn’t have whipped cream for your obnoxious Starbucks drink”,

“Oh, I don’t want it then”.

Go fuck yourself.

I understand you want to be assertive but also get that you don't want to make waves with someone you work with closely. She also seems like she might turn people against you if you upset her, so you need to be careful.

I like r36 - bring your own lunch. You're dieting or eating better or something. Do that for a while to break the habit of her expectation. And then, when you want to get something for lunch, start your new rule of her giving you cash up front -- because of course you're a little short that day or don't have your card.

Attach demands to doing her favors. Buy something for her? Please, cash upfront because you're broke right now. She wants something done? Right after you have checked off all of your work duties for the day. She wants to jabber on and on about something? Sure, but it would be rude to keep working while listening, right?

When you say NO, do not preface it with SORRY or an elaborate excuse.

Let us know how it works out, OP.

...and remember, every doormat has WELCOME written on it.

-$0.2/$10.99

Why is it a huge a favor if coworker gives you their lunch money up front? That's the fucking least they can do for someone who is spending their lunch time running your errands.

Direct approach: "I know that, in the past, I've picked up lunch for you. I now realize that 45 minutes (lunch) is not even enough time for me to get my own errands done. I'm sorry, I can't do that any more."

Truthful and puts an end to being errands boy / girl.

Use a stave?

I already responded but want to add, people test you all the time. Not everyone, but -- assholes do. You have to show these people right away the boundaries they can't cross. With this bitch I would just say, "Sorry, I don't buy lunch for other people." With no animosity. You're in a business situation, be businesslike. Be professional. Don't worry about being everyone's friend. They usually won't like you for being their doormat anyway.

If someone doesn't like you b/c you won't do *their* errands during *your* unpaid time off, then you haven't lost anything. You've actually gained something (they will not bother you for favors).

Some people covertly get off on dominating others--even with neediness. I agree with 42 that maybe you should play it safe with this one and break her of the habit gradually. I've heard about unbelievable drama in offices of all kinds. Luckily I never worked for a corporation. In my job, students give you all the shit but that's shit I can handle and forgive. And with the administration, you have to act tough and scare them, but they never stop trying to dominate you. I guess all work situations suck.

R13, Datalounge is an American site headquartered in New York, where we use American punctuation. Get of your faux British high horse, dear.

The comma still goes inside the quotation marks. Even in America.

Just tell her you'll get it but don't and say you forgot. I used to be a doormat and finally I just got comfortable just telling people no in some flouncy, aloof way in the manner of some 1940s Hollywood type. It catches people off guard and intimates that you're more than they want to deal with. It works for me. Telling people no, especially when they really need you to say yes, becomes really fun.

R45 & R55 the comma goes inside quotation marks in American English, outside quotation marks in British English.

British English does not use double quotation marks, though. It uses single quotation marks. That’s how you know to put the periods and commas inside – or outside – the quotation marks.

This is so interesting, I always thought the rule was that you used single quotation marks generally and then double when you are quoting something inside already existing quotation marks.

It's the reverse in standard American English, r59, but really, at this point in the social media dumbing down of language, I'm just happy when someone uses punctuation at all.

[quote]I'm sorry, I can't do that any more.

When I read this I instantly thought of Hal in 2001. Maybe not entirely a bad guide. When the breezy entitled request is dropped again, take a pause. Then, Hal-like, calmly say the line above. Then when all the passive-aggressive face-pullings and aggrieved noises come back, take a pause - and repeat the line. Politely, for as long as it takes.

I'm all for the direct approach. However, that doesn't work for everyone. The OP has to work with this woman. If he's abrupt or assertive in any way, she's going to think wtf, and, I guarantee you, she WILL take offence.

There are ways to slide out of this gracefully. I like the response at r42.

You're right, R62, in OP's situation, it's safer to ease out of the pattern.

However, once you become "advanced," you can say: "Sorry, I'm unable to do that."

[quote]Some people covertly get off on dominating others--even with neediness.

Yes, very astute.

[quote]do you teach high school r53? University?

I'm reminded of seeing Oprah once advising people: "Just say 'no' simply and that's it. Don't give an explanation." and I would think: "Of course YOU can do that Oprah, you're a multi-millionaire! Other people have to navigate it just a bit more subtly than that." I like R63's point of advancing to when you can be more direct, I think that's more reasonable. Plus sometimes, as annoying as it may seem, you have to work around people in a more gentle way, just for your own self-protection. Read the room and make your decision accordingly.