Let's be a Zoom meeting!

"Please mute yourselves"

I'm Jeffrey Toobin, getting hard.

I’m the HR frau on zoom noticing how much work gets done and how much happier people are working from home. I am excitingly counting the days until we can all be in the office again.

I'm the chat box, which I stretch and shrink to cover the asshole who Zooms while walking. TURN YOUR FUCKING PICTURE OFF, ASSHOLE.

I'm the person Zooming from their desk computer or home computer without muting, and you can hear all my peripheral noise. We have to PUT you on mute and will now ignore your raised hand forever.

“Yeah...yup...actually Jerry, your audio is going in and out”

“Whoops, let me switch to my phone. Gimme a sec”

I am the SCREAMING children in the background, and everyone else's strained smile.

I am an unwitting advertisement for birth control.

I'm all of the alcoholics hiding their booze in coffee mugs. Working from home is the best thing ever!

I'm you, sitting in silent judgment about your co-workers' choice of home decor that you can see in the background. The ones you always suspected are tacky and common are, in fact, tacky and common.

I'm one of the cats or dogs who climb on their human's lap. You love it when I zoom with him and you know it.

I'm the bookshelf.

I'm the awkward moments of silent nodding and smiling when the boss asks the team. "how's everyone doing today?"

Im the well-behaved dog, strategically positioned in the background to attract the eye of the new dog-loving CEO.

I'm myself, trying to read the spines of the books on the shelf at r11

I always look for dildos or gay sex books on people’s bookshelves. Just hoping for something interesting to happen.

I also look at people's bookmarks when they share their screens

I'm the seething resentment, an undercurrent always present in mandatory Zoom meetings.

I'm the person talking who forgot to unmute themselves.

I'm the other messaging app that certain colleagues are using to bitch and complain about how this meeting could have been an email and also to make fun of Carla's fucked up blouse.

I’m the older lady who, a year later, still can’t figure out how to unmute herself, and also doesn’t hear everyone yelling that they can’t hear her.

I’m here but my WiFi is patchy today so my camera is off.

I’m the curated bookcase! Look how my colours are pleasingly grouped with a few well chosen “pieces” to make me look interesting/cultured. This took me at least two days but so worth it.

I'm Jeffrey Toobin!

I’m the horny jeff toobin jacking his cock under his desk

I’m the private message to my colleague eviscerating our boss...oops I posted in the chat

r23 and r24 didn't even bother to read past the first reply

I'm the eyes darting to my own image, then back to the speaker, then back to looking at myself, then raising my hand to fix my hair, then pretending I'm not looking at myself, and then turning my head a little down to the left to see if it's a better angle, then looking at the speaker's image, then looking back at myself...

I’m just a set of initials on Teams because “my cameras broken”

I'm the flashing glaring digital background image of a tropic paradise that really doesn't fill the screen behind me, sometimes cuts off my ears, or bleeds light across my face, and continually distracts.

“David’s iPhone”

I hate Zoom meetings and Teams meetings. They take so much time away from my work duties.

I'm emojis. Surprising effective communication tools and very appropriate with young people.

I'm the momentary panic where you think you might not have been muted when you said "fucking cunt." Wait a minute - YES you were muted. Thank god.

I’m your silent laughter as the Type A people start arguing about some ridiculous shit. Back to solitaire.

I'm the older woman who positions her face two inches from the screen every time someone shares their screen.

I'm harassment claim because the patriarchy and boss says filters are distracting.

I'm the summer interns from party schools. You have to give it to us, we're both annoying and very good looking. Unmarked by any of life's traumas. You can smell our freshness through the intertubes.

I’m the guy texting everyone to get the right link.

I'm the side chat with a colleague about how miserable I am, I forgot to stop sharing my desktop so everyone in the meeting can now see the chat!

I'm the six other windows open on your desktop.

I’m me, hating having to look at my ugly evil homophobic English cunt of a boss.

I’m just going to chime in here to say that I have so much gratitude (praying hands in my front of my slightly bowed head) that you are holding space as we heal from the trauma of working remotely.

I am the nagging suspicion that the technologically gifted can hack you camera and microphone while you think you are muted and invisible.

I am the video of myself that I am looking at while I am talking. I am fascinating.

I'm the person moving around my kitchen, making lunch, as I "participate" in the meeting and try to have a conversation with a colleague.

My audio is terrible too.

I am the wooden plantation shutter folding screens behind *me* that are the only things you can see in my zoom because I am don't want any of you knowing that much about me.

I’m everyone’s underwear/naked ass, siting right below hopefully away from camera view. I occasionally make an impromptu appearance when someone ‘s asked to fetch an important document that’s not available at hand.

I'm the Bob Ross-adjacent artwork hanging proudly behind Ginny from billing.

I was expecting that there would be less meetings since I was working remotely from home, but instead there are more. So I end up working late at night and weekends to catch up with my work.

I'm the tab to a porn site (or three) visible in your browser when you share your screen momentarily.

hotboyzbunz.com or something similar.

You've got so many freaking windows open that you forgot about it.

Did they see? Did they not see? Did they see? Is someone contacting HR right now?

I'm the refuse video option (or whatever it's called, most of the time we don't use zoom for our meetings unless it's something new have to learn and watch someone's shared screen).

Nobody has to see my face for me to participate. My audio and chat work perfectly and there's really no need to have my camera on. screw that crap. And if anybody ever tried to insist, i'd say my camera wasn't working.

I'm the fart you hope nobody heard.

I'm the sms from the nasty top fuckbuddy that pops up on your screen in an afternoon TEAMS meeting, telling you, dirty cum guzzling slave, exactly how to prepare yourself, souslarve, where to wait and what time.

I'm the wise guy blasting the audio of a porn scene while pretending to be just as outraged as everyone else. 😁

I'm the lube. I'll be needed a little bit later on in the meeting.

I'm the ass-kissey emojis and LOL-ing in the chat window.

I am the Grindr or Growlr chime that goes off that is instantly recognized only by 5 people on the conference ( 2 eldergays and 3 Gen Xers ) the eldergays visibly laugh

I’m Karen’s cat Mr. Whiskers and I’m going to present hole to the entire office.

I think I'm the last gay guy in America who has never used Grindr.

I am my dog who ignores his nethenw bed until the camera is on and then you figure out, by the laughing of your coworkers, that he's humping it on camera.

I'm the person who loses the video to the screenshare presentation and has to interrupt the whole meeting to ask if everyone can still see the screen or is it just me? I have to exit the meeting and re-enter to see the presentation and miss 1 critical minute which i'll end up needing within the next 2 days.

I'm not a cat.

I'm the carefully calculated camera angle. I make you appear you are looking at the camera/screen/meeting while you are really playing Candy Crush on your phone just out of view.

I'm best combined with the occasional concerned head nod.

I'm the blathering of your stupid asshole co-workers that you're only half-listening to as you're texting on your phone and wondering about what you're going to eat for lunch.

i'm actually unnecessary for a meeting. we can do this via freeconferencecall.com unless you need to show me a new program/feature that is different from before, but i like to pretend we are a progressive company that uses popular shit to prove we are current. We could have done this without all the stupid tech issues. and played conference call bingo without being obvious.

I'm Skype.

Remember me?

I'm the professional attire ( blazer, shirt/blouse, or tie) worn only from the waist up. I'm meant to misdirect thoughts about R47 .

I'm the perpetual fear that you'll inadvertently "share screen" just after you've screenshot-ed the hot twink intern.

In the weed paraphernalia and wine glasses just off camera and out of sight.

In the teacher who demands my poor and disadvantaged kids turn on their cameras during my lesson.

I'm the participant who leaves the meeting for an extended period of time but who does not bother turning off his camera

I'm the television powered on just behind the camera - closed caption is enabled.

I’m the colleague with the camera on, muted microphone, and neutral background. Yet, you can clearly see I’m having a completely different conversation and laughing with people off camera.

You are the sexy colleague and it’s your turn to present in the meeting. I’ve got my screen pinned to fawn over your appearance while you discuss. I’m certain not to wear my glasses tho so you can’t see the pinned reflection.

r74 I find that if I put my screen brightness on the lowest or second lowest setting, the glare all but disappears

R75, then I can’t see the screen really.

R59 you’re not alone. I haven’t either.

I'm the participant who eats the entire meeting.

Wow, my autocorrect really got me there at R69, R70, and R73....

Oh dear! Stupid iPhones...

I’m my cunt of a boss who sits and chomps through giant slabs of toast in a meeting because “she’s not had a chance to grab anything due to home schooling” ...if I’m not masticating loudly, I’m trying to reason with my feral brat Archie who is running screaming through the house.

I'm the fake adoring smile plastered on one of R80 's underlings. I'm trying to kiss ass, because I'm really fucking up at my job lately. She's the only thing between me and the unemployment line.

I am the clear sounds of sexual activity that could be heard during an online Faculty Meeting.

I am the panicked reaction of the Chair who scrambled to mute everybody.

I'm that moment when you forgot to turn your camera off.

Jeffrey Toobin has entered the chat....

I'm myself, wondering if r82 is real, and if so, wondering the details ...

I am the fluctuating orange reflection in the spectacles that indicates that somebody is watching porn while pretending to listen.

Real, R82. The sounds originated either form somebody in severe pain or...well you know.

I'm the complete collection of Stephanie Meyers Twilight series on the fraus bookshelf.

I am the cunty personalized chat commentary that is accidentally sent to Everyone.

I'm the person with terrible audio. You have to constantly adjust the volume on your device if I have an exchange with someone else during the meeting.

I'm family Zoom. Im called "digital picnic"

I’m the freedom to stare exclusively and unabatedly at the cute guys.

You are right R93, you can’t really do this in a live meeting. But I am pretty sure there is software to track eye movement....

The thing is, people can change their screen view, r94. You can do "speaker view" or "gallery view." So I'm not sure how other participants would know exactly who you're looking at

I'm the realization after 10 minutes that the client does not indeed live in a really cool looking loft but is using a well designed background instead.

This realization comes about when they finally move and that weird thing happens where parts of their head disappear into the background.

I am the rude coworker who is obviously not paying attention because I am texting during the entire meeting. Everyone can see me because my camera is on as I am texting. I later have to ask a ton of questions that were already answered at the meeting.

I'm me, considering rhinoplasty after looking at my nose for months on Zoom and realizing how large it is.

I'm the but-lugs in full view