I told a friend I changed my mind about coming to visit

But ya ARE imperious, Blanche, ya ARE.

You reap what you sow.

'Atta girl!

drama queen

I can relate, OP. This is kind of why I don't have friendships or really call anyone anymore. I was always the one making the effort and then the conversation was rarely if ever worth it.

You will be friendless due to your pettiness before long.

Friendships should never be based on tit-for-tat conditionality.

Your friends have probably pulled back because of your passive-aggressive behavior.

You sound extremely passive-aggressive and have a hard time coming to an appropriate center in dealing with people. So you used to shower your friends with the level of interest and enthusiasm you wished they'd showered on you. When you realized they were never going to give you what you wanted and reciprocate, you became withdrawn, petulant and, yes, probably "imperious." Why can't you just be philosophical in accepting your role as the initiator? Or would you rather be lonely? Yes, your pride has been hurt but believe me we all suffer similar humiliations. What will you be doing with your time now that you're not taking the trip?

[quote]Friendships should never be based on tit-for-tat conditionality.

Unless it is respect for respect.

[quote]What will you be doing with your time now that you're not taking the trip?

She's on DL bitching about it.

If you're even half as exhausting as you seem here? You're doing your "friends" a favor by pulling back.

[R9] The friend's probably at a fancy, fun, hip party saying, "Thank God I dodged that bullet!" and having a good laugh at OP's expense with friends who pay lots of attention to him.

[quote]It felt like I was giving out 120% of my energy and they were giving maybe 10% of theirs.

I find that keeping a running tally of imagined slights from friends and lovers is an excellent way to maintain relationships.

IMO, the problem is that OP's existing friends are accustomed to the old pattern of friendship. Will be easier to maintain new friendships with people who don't expect OP to always initiate contact, always be accommodating, etc.

I, too, got tired of being the initiator, the good listener, the accommodating one. Recently, I stopped returning texts / calls from a friend where I felt like things were too one-sided. Even in a text wishing me a happy birthday, she told me what her current problem was. Ran into her a week ago and it was awkward. I asked her how she was; she said "better" and that was the end of the convo.

Imperious. And impossible.

I can relate to the OP. I used to have more friends than I could count. I prepared to many BBQ's to count and yearly Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners for over twenty people for several years. I helped a "friend" re-roof his home, and another with landscaping his, among many other individual projects. Everyone appeared to enjoy hanging around my home and my company. After I was diagnosed with a rare neurological condition that started to limit my physical abilities. It became necessary to reduce and then end the BBQ's and Holiday parties and, one-by-one, each of my "friends" pulled away and disappeared. I spent last Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. To use the words of Bill Taylor, "they never write, they never call". Were they really ever friends?

Sad, R15. You sound like a good and generous host. Not everybody has the skill & personality to host those kinds of parties. Sounds like people liked your house as a party pad / gathering place.

So after years of doing exactly what you wanted to do, and feeling unappreciated, you decide to pull back and let others do it their way - and now all you can say is “you’re doing it wrong!”

You’ve set up elaborate rules for others without telling them what those rules are. Frankly they’re all better off without you.

You're exhausting, OP.

People have busy lives. We can't all write full length letters in cursive every day announcing our impending joy.

I had a friend like you who aliented several of our mutual friends. He would always invite people for dinner and was a generous soul, but you had to call him at least twice prior to the dinner - once to confirm the invite and a second time the night before or that morning to confirm again you were coming and how you were looking forward to it, as he felt this was basic manners.

Getting adult gay men together in the same room is like herding cats even in the best of times. Sorry your friend didn't do somersaults over you parking yourself on his couch in your mustard-stained caftan.

OP is the reason the question "Who gives a shit?" was invented.

I got a headache reading this.

OP needs to seek out other dramatic, “active” friends. His old friends are probably tired and focused on their own lives. They aren’t wrong for feeing that way, nor is OP wrong for wanting his friends to be active and reciprocate.

However, OP is doing himself no favors by making up rules in his head, not communicating them, and then getting angry when people don’t live up to them. That’s not healthy behavior. That’s how you develop an anxiety disorder.

You decided you wanted to change the dynamic. That’s fine. But don’t be surprised if people who were used to the “old” you can’t just blindly figure out how to negotiate the new “you”.

Duh

[quote] Friendships should never be based on tit-for-tat conditionality.

Ok, I’ll bite.

If you have a friend who doesn’t ever reach out to you to do things, and it’s always up to you to do so, what would you do? Always be the slave to the friendship?

OP. If you find that you're always running after your friends to do things it means they're not that into you. You've got to find people who are as eager for your friendship as you are for theirs. It's better to be alone than to feel that you're twisting somebody's arm to get together with you. You don't sound like a drama queen at all. You want respect from your friends. You're not getting it so let them go. If you find them now seeking you out well then get together with them. It's lousy to feel that a relationship is so lopsided.

[quote]If you have a friend who doesn’t ever reach out to you to do things, and it’s always up to you to do so, what would you do? Always be the slave to the friendship?

If I enjoy that person's company and the person continues to respond positively, I'd keep reaching out. I know some people, for whatever reason, can't or don't or won't do it themselves.

I don't consider that being a "slave" to the friendship.

I once had a friend tell me she was hurt that I never called her. She was right, I never did -- because she called me every single day, without fail! I don't need to talk to anybody that often.

Drop the rules and conditions. If you want to get together with someone who hasn't called, then call (or text) him or however you make connections. Some people just don't initiate social meetings. If he's reluctant or doesn't commit, move on. Don't play games.

Good for you, Senator Graham! Find a friend who respects you for YOU.

Like Massys' portrait of The Tax Collector's (National Gallery, London, 1520s), OP wants to weigh, and weigh again, and weigh one last time every friend's gesture toward him, to see if it is sufficient to settle the friend's debts in The Book of Grievances.

I can tell you how the sums come out, OP, it's as they always do. But you know that already, too. It's just that you want that little millesecond's taste of victory, like the coppery sweet taste of blood, before your friends say in turn, "for fuck's sake, when did this one turn into a professional bother?"

Enjoy your win.

[quote] Enjoy your win.

And set it a place at the table beside you, for it will be your only company.

[quote]Good for you, Senator Graham! Find a friend who respects you for YOU.

A gentleman caller who stands-up Miss Lindsey will have hell to pay.

That's what my long-time buddy told me.

[R24] Very bad advice. If there's a running theme to your friendships - their basic dynamic, how they begin and end - it has primarily to due with yourself. If they were all very different in their way that would be another thing. One can only expect so much of people - did OP "truly like" them? What's the standard of sincerity or authenticity? You make yourself sound a little too saintly, OP, a little too much like a doormat Polyanna.

As we age and mature it's only natural to cycle through people, some of them who were once deeply involved in our lives. It's sad but it's the way of things. I would love to still be friends with certain people from my past on paper, but when I think of reaching out to them I start remembering why we're not in contact. Best to let thing lay where they are and if the Gods intervene, then cross that bridge. But having no friend at all because of "high standards" is a deeply antisocial position to take. It's very likely that OP's new, improved fantasy friends who love and respect him and who shower him with attention don't exist.

I’m too fucking old for all that game playing.

You behaved in a certain way for a long period of time and accumulated friends who fitted that pattern. Now you complain about them for going with the flow you created. Maybe they are assholes, maybe not, but you created an asshole space and waved them into it. You shouldn't have got into the bad habits to begin with.

I understand what you say OP. I would never be in a friendship where I’m the permanent initiator. I broke up with a new friend 2 years ago because few months after we met, I found I was the only one who initiated the contact. I understood then he was not that enthusiastic about our “friendship”. No big deal.

On the other side, many years ago I had a friend who was always organizing activities and diners for the four of us. We were all expatriates. He used to call us regularly one by one to invite us or to ask about our plans in the week-ends. For few days he once stopped calling, so I called to see if he was ok. He told me he was waiting to see who of the three of us would care to call him. I was the only one. From that day I became careful to call and reciprocate. We are still good friends despite being in 2 different countries. I like him a lot and always appreciated his enthusiasm in doing things and reaching out to others. He has no contact with the other two guys.

R24 exactly. I don’t think OP is being a Mary, either. There is nothing wrong with wanting your friends to appreciate you. It’s not a healthy friendship if one side is making all of the effort and the other side just becomes complacent about the whole thing. I think most everybody has been in a situation like this before and the decision is usually made to step away.

OP mixes some well learned life lessons with unfortunate bitchy toxicity. Instead of pulling back and letting things play out for better or worse, he's assigned some very odd rules his friends are unaware of and then attacks them when they fail to follow those unspoken, unshared rules.

If a "friend" might come in handy for something, I'll put up with their bullshit and flakiness because they have something more than friendship to offer. I do think it's give and take in a real friendship. If I find I am doing all the giving, then I disappear. I completely agree with R24. I feel like OP is trolling, but R24 is smart. Value yourself.

[R28] where is that extraordinary image from?

OP, you flaked on your friend and it's his fault, got it. Loved your compulsivity in sharing your justification here so we can assuage your misgivings over your own shabby friendliness.

It's ok. Happens to all of us.

OP is a liar who won’t schedule, won’t confirm, won’t show - but expects spontaneous participation.

Stick to sharing memes via text, OP.

I looked up "high maintenance" in the encyclopedia and there was a photo of the OP.