Have you ever had a friend who just disappeared?

[quote]which I always appreciated, even though I was too busy to go or didn’t feel like it. It felt nice to be asked, but at the same time, I felt anxious and pressured so I usually didn’t reply.

I think you answered your own question. Idjit.

and op didn't even notice until over a year after. Lol.

The interest obviously wasn’t reciprocated by you. He gave it some effort then cut his losses. He definitely made the right call if you forgot about him until you happened to notice an old text.

OP, you get a failing grade at Basic Human Interaction.

this is sad but probably or hopefully EST of the 0/10 variety

Sounds like you, OP, were the friend who wasn't there.

And he was the one who noticed it first.

I've lost touch with or intentionally stopped talking to several friends and acquaintances - things happen. I tend to have a lot of fallings out with people yet I am an easy going and friendly person. As I get older I am more independent and tolerate less BS from other people. Or a toxic situation needed to end.

Hey, I was interested, I just...couldn’t make it. Plus, I hate committing to things. It makes me feel trapped, and then I look bad if I don’t show up. And I think he was the type to hold it against you. I’m more of a go with the flow guy.

Look, I’m busy and not the best at responding to people. But I appreciate it when people keep trying.

OP this is called you don’t know what you got till it’s gone, and thank goodness he quit wasting his time on you sooner rather than later. You said he was fun and super nice, yet you usually didn’t reply. It was your loss and this is what happens when you don’t treat people well.

R8 You’re one of the problems with people today - people don’t know how to fucking express how they truly feel and expect everyone else to be a mind reader and guess what they’re feeling. Nobody has time for all that passive aggressive shit. And if you couldn’t be bothered to even respond, it sounds like YOU were the one who did the ghosting.

Hopefully you’ll learn to stop taking people for granted (but I’m sure you won’t change).

OP is the type of person I can't stand. Can't ever commit to do anything because something better might come along. And wants everyone to keep pursuing him but doesn't want to respond. Does none of the work of human relationship but wants the benefits. I want nothing to do with someone like that.

OP, our "go with the flow guy," is so busy with his little game "conquering" total tops that he has no time - busy guy that he must be - in maintaining a friendship.

How he manages that without feeling "trapped" is beyond me, but no doubt he'll dig the hole he's in even deeper by telling us

OP is trolling. He tipped his hand too much at the 2nd posting:

[quote] I’m more of a go with the flow guy. Look, I’m busy and not the best at responding to people. But I appreciate it when people keep trying.

I am always amazed at how gullible other Dataloungers are.

OP is slow to respond but has lightening speed postings on DL

I just call people up and ask them. Is there a reason you don’t want to communicate or have even attempted to? I just ask.

I’m not into playing bullshit games and appreciate straight forward answers, because guess what? If asked a straight forward question, I respond truthfully, rather than bait and switch, or respond in a less than truthful manner.

There’s ALWAYS a specific reason as to why people duck out and lose interest. And pretending that there isn’t, is dishonest, in and of itself.

That all being said, when people cannot communicate with others in a way that offers total transparency, there’s no reason to put in any effort or pursue a friendship with them.

I mean, who wants to hang out with a bullshitter? Nah. Not, I. Better to have strong and solid bonds with just a few people, than to have a bunch of flaky people flying around one’s personal orbit.

OMG, I don’t know why everyone is like this. My mother has told everyone “you don’t know if he’s coming until you can see the whites of his eyes.” She doesn’t even invite me for holidays anymore. She says if I want to come, I can call and let her know. Ugh.

R14, you’re all attacking me. Why should I be quick to respond? I haven’t even done anything.

OP, it speaks to your credulity, your integrity, and even your blind spot to your own narcissism.

LMAO.

Just own it, FFS

r15 sounds insufferable.

Not every "lost interest" warrants drama or even explanations. He's not entitled to them, either.

OP you're an idiot. The guy is the "flow" and you're not going with it. You're being a selfish turd that leaves people hanging. No wonder he cut you off.

R7, My easy going dad has said the same thing. The older he gets, the less tolerance he has for bullshit. He doesn't want any part of it and moves on.

OP you sure like to respond on DL. In other words you're full of shit and an obnoxious est.

I’m the friend/acquaintance who fell off the face of the earth.

I go out of my way to remain anonymous online, and have an irrational fear of running into a former classmate when I’m out in public. I have almost nothing going on in my life, and I look like hell. I don’t want an acquaintance to ask what I’ve been up to, and that all I answer is, “nothing.” Hopefully things will change for the better so I won’t have this fear.

I know, “get a blog.”

OP types on the spectrum.

I'm usually the friend who drifts off. I have social anxiety and horrible self esteem. Secretly I feel like I'm a horrible person who doesn't deserve friends.

R28 Is that you, OP? If not, the two of you could be besties.

Yes. I was the fun,generous friend. I always gave gifts on birthdays. Listened non-stop to their problems. Made sure I was at everything they invited me to because they 'needed' me.

Yet, when I had several unfortunate life events those people accted as if I had the plague.

I realised I was soft hearted and was taken advantage off. Most people don't feel they deserve that kind of love and attention and it makes them feel uncomfortable or I'm being disingenuous. Or just fucking nosy.

It's left me filled with rage because of the violations. But, I'm doing much better and accept myself more than they ever could.

They could never.

A few weeks ago, I was ghosted by two people i thought were friends. It's an awful feeling, being ghosted. One of the friends sent me a message a few days ago, so I feel a little less lonely,

Punch and Delete works both ways, OP.

My closest female friend. Like a sister. A woman I've been intimate friends with for 40 years and travelled the world with ghosted me. A chunk of my life vanished with her. Worse then if she had died. No closure. Will never get over it.

R27 A few weeks means you're ghosted? And then you heard from one of the a few days ago? That's not ghosted, that's normal behavior unless you were on a daily text basis which seems obsessive...

There's more to the story, r30, but my point was that ghosting is a terrible thing to do to someone. How long does it take to write a text explaining your feelings, if the person was your friend you owe them that much.

I dropped my US friends.

I lived there for 10 years and for family reasons had to move back to Europe. I returned frequently for short trips but I had to make the break so cut all ties once and for all. I feel pretty bad about doing what I did but I had to put the US out of my mind once and for all just to get on with my new life.

Hey there OP, do you think friendship is a one way street and that people who meet you are expected to be your social coordinator? If so, I think you're talking about me.

We met through a colleague of mine Miss N in 2005. Miss N is a friend of yours. You'd join my pals / neighbors when I'd invite you to my home for dinner or brunch. Free food for you! You'd join us and hang out and always go home with leftovers.

After 2008, although I invited you / texted you about seeing movies, attending baseball games, parks, getting together, etc., you were either too busy or non-responsive to my calls / texts. So I stopped communicating after you didn't respond to my calls / texts four times. I got the hint.

Coincidentally, in 2017 you took a new position as a facilities manager at a university in Manhattan where it turns out you see the wife, Mrs. F, of my good friend Mr. F. Imagine my surprise when you complained to her and my friend that I never call or text or invite you anymore. You were hurt by my lack of communication and asked her to tell me to call you?!?! I'm just curious if you think friendship is expecting people to be your social activity coordinator and that others should be privileged to hear from you.

R26, my mother's experience was similar to yours. When I was a kid, my mother was kind of like the neighborhood therapist. So many people were doing things that they couldn't talk about in public because the behaviors were considered morally wrong. But they felt comfortable telling my mother all about their sordid tales because my mother was a warm, nonjudgmental person who was eager to please and help. The weird thing is: some of the people weren't talking to my mom out of guilt; they obviously got a rise when they talked about the shitty things they had done.

My mom has had severe anxiety since childhood. Now she was stuck holding all these people's secrets...and worrying about the people who had made mistakes, and also worrying about other people who could be impacted by those mistakes if the secrets got out.

Then one day, my mother had a problem of her own. She turned to her friends whom she had supported. They were too busy or simply lacked empathy. One of them who was decent (in spite of her mistakes) had turned her life around and actively avoided my mom, because she didn't want to be reminded of her recent past, and my mom knew EVERYTHING.

OP How many friends do you have? I would never turn down the opportunity to have a new friend, especially someone with such a real interest in seeing me. Lucky you.

R29 Your friend of 40 years was able to ghost you? How? Why? Why didn't you show up at her home or workplace and demand an explanation? 40 years of friendship, you're allowed to ambush her and ask what happened. Your situation sounds insane.

I'd say this is less an EST than the case of someone figuring out the kind of person OP is and running away for their own safety.

OP has more than once said Democrats want to put Repugs like him into "gulags."

I have to admit over the years, i have PURPOSELY disappeared from friends to test them on how good of friends they are, if they would show concern and try to reach out to me in anyway!.... right or wrong i have done this more than a few times.. and UNFORTUNATELY EVERY SINGLE TIME, i have been let down and i guess proven right, that these friends DO NOT, DID NOT care enough about me in anyway...... just saying....

Any combination of 3 unreplies or cancelled meetups and its P&D.

Had a friend who complained constantly of medical conditions, yet was able to travel, etc. Friend would also not return texts / phone calls for a long time. I decided to be the same way re: returning texts / phone calls. Friend texted me around my bday, explaining friend's current medical condition. I didn't text back.

Ran into friend the other day. Friend was obviously a little pissed at me. I said, "How are you?" Friend said, "Better." End of conversation.

R39 has a good policy. I would also include unreturned phone calls and being stood up in that formula.

Yes, literally. He took a summer off during college and went trekking in the Alaskan wilderness in the 80s, and was never heard from again. I suspect he was injured and died as a result, but I've always thought it was more dramatic to claim he was eaten (like Michael Rockefeller, only not by headhunters, but by bears.) He had a flair for drama, so I know he would appreciate the embellishment.

I have started cutting some friends out of my life lately or significantly reducing my contact with them. The weird thing is, I'm the type of person who is very generous with my friends when it comes to helping them with whatever they need. I've recommended some friends for jobs, they get hired and they end up being complete nightmares to work with. I've been looking for a new job lately and not a single friend has ever reciprocated.

Have another friend who embarrassed the hell out of me over a "free mini desert" at a birthday dinner for me. She had a cow because the yelp ad said if you checked in at the place on yelp, you would get this free mini desert and there were about 10 people at our table. There was only one per table and one of the couples I had invited had already claimed the mini desert for their 9 year old. Said friend made a fucking scene with the waitress until they brought her the tiny little cup of custard. She was the friend who, everywhere we went would make a scene over food. Sending food back constantly, being rude to the wait staff. I started to pull away and she didn't make an effort to pursue. I got one phone call from her during this pandemic and she said she missed me.

Another friend I love dearly but every time I invite her out somewhere, she's always busy. Or when I do get her to commit to something, she ends up cancelling on me at the last minute. So I've stopped inviting. She does often make an effort to keep in contact via texts so I keep her in my life. I have just realized that our friendship has to be on her terms and well, if she invites me somewhere, I will likely go but overall I've given up.

People are weird. OP, if you are the one not responding to things when you are invited or cancelling all the time, people know to stop making the effort. If you want your friend back, you need to apologize for your behavior and make an effort to be a better friend.

I had a friend who said if you ever need a job at ___, let me know, my brother-in-law works there, blah blah blah. At some point, I emailed this friend about that job and friend acted like I was coming out of nowhere.

Had another friend that was embarrassing at restaurants, like R43 described. Always trying to get something free. Was more like a friend of a friend. Person ended up getting prosecuted / convicted for theft, felony.

It's funny, r44 but how someone treats wait staff is a litmus test for me. I have another friend I would love to spend more time with but I swear to god every single fucking time we meet for dinner, she's a nightmare. Again with the constant sending of the food back along with snarky comments when she does and it just got to the point where I don't even want to deal with it anymore. It's embarrassing and I'm just shocked that people don't realize how off putting that behavior is.

R42, if he accidentally died in wilderness and wasn't found, his body *was* likely eaten by wild animals at least.

I had a friend I would see regularly, then once when I texted her asking if she wanted to hang out. she was always busy. I asked her a few more times, same response. So I stopped contacting her and never heard from her. I mentioned this to a mutual friend and she had also stopped hearing from her as well. I figured my friend was just in a new stage of her life, and I didn't think about it too much. Then last November she texted me out of the blue, I didn't even know her contact info was still in my phone. We got together and it was like no time had passed, I'm glad she reached out.

I've also been the friend who disappeared. We were friends for 20 years. I thought of him as a brother, then we lived together. I didn't like the way he treated me, and I moved out. I thought once we weren't living together my resentment would end, but it didn't. I ghosted him. That was over 5 years ago, and it's the biggest regret of my life. I think about him every day, but I can't reach out to him, I'm mortified by how I've behaved, and I doubt he'd be receptive, so I just have to live with it.

[quote]Have you ever had a friend who just disappeared?

No, but it happened to a fat little slut who lived in our house.

She was not missed.

There are many reasons people disappear: A new relationship Depression Weight Gain Feelings of resentment or being taken advantage of Cheapness

OP: What does "go with the flow" mean? Does it mean that your ex-friend is supposed to call you 10 minutes before he'd like to do something just so you don't have to commit the day before? Did you ever consider that your ex-friend may have been busy too, but when he was free he was reaching out to you? You continually turned down a potential friend all because you were too busy--all the time?! Common sense would tell you that if you keep refusing, the other person is going to give up. Also, by continually declining his invitations, you might have made him feel embarrassed to keep asking. There is only so much a new possible friend can endure. He didn't want to wear out his welcome, but at the same time you were never giving him a reason to keep asking. Did you even say yes just once?

Lastly, if you couldn't make the date that he asked, did you ever say something like, "Gee, I can't make it for coffee on Saturday morning, but how about Sunday morning...or next Saturday?" You have to show a bit of an interest especially with someone who doesn't know your quirky personality. It's your loss if you never reached out or reciprocated at all...and now the ball is in your court if you would like to reach out to him now. Give it a try. It may work. It may not. But remember, if someone ever makes multiple attempts again, don't treat the other person as you did this previous friend. You don't have to become best friends, but people who reach out don't come along all that often. And a friend who actually wants to see you is not the same as "liking" someone on Facebook thinking that you're friends.

This can happen when people get sober. AA tells you to avoid "People, places and things" that you associate with drinking/using.

R44 I've been in a similar situation but I actually went there at a specific time to interview. My ex-friend's boss: Who are you and what interview? Theo you lazy fuck-up!

OP is a fucking idiot.

R47 details please. What did he do to you to make you move out and ghost him? What did you do to him and why do you feel so guilty?

I had a damn good friend of almost 20 years who did the full ghosting. It was/is strange and saddening -- and so utterly out of character that after about a year and a couple-three email letters, I looked around to make sure he hadn't died. His family has a history of fatal heart problems....

And he was alive. What was so odd was that he'd long come across as the last person I'd think might do that to anyone.

I've generally not deleted personal email from the Sent folder and inbox, went through a bunch of email to/from this person to see if there was something I'd missed or forgotten about. I wondered if he'd taken issue w. something I'd said or my general attitude, if I'd related something rancid and fucked up, etc. Nope!

I related as much to him, said straight out that I was surprised, bewildered and saddened by his choice; apologized for anything specific or general that was offensive, disturbing, tiresome; let him know I'd welcome any thoughts he cared to share.

By the way, some of his work involves writing for publications so he's more than capable of bashing out a few sentences, being clear and direct or more euphemistic. Again, though, zee effing row.

Coincidence or otherwise, he did this a couple months after his 40-something brother died. I lose track of the details behind the thinking, but psychologists relate that it's not extremely uncommon for people to react to the death of someone close by ending other close relationships.

I have a pretty good friend in another state, with whom I’d text often. I started noticing I was always the one to initiate, and he would always end the exchange simply by no longer replying. So I recently switched it up. I ended our last few chats, and haven’t initiated. Yes, I know it’s petty. Haven’t yet seen if and how it will effect the friendship.

[quote] Coincidence or otherwise, he did this a couple months after his 40-something brother died. I lose track of the details behind the thinking, but psychologists relate that it's not extremely uncommon for people to react to the death of someone close by ending other close relationships.

I had a childhood friend, close relationship with ups and downs. When my dad was dying of cancer, this friend was available to talk, but mostly talked about his own problems. After my dad died, traveled to spend time with this friend and we had one of our "down" times. Usually, after a down time, we would make up. I was always the one to initiate making up. This time, I did apologize once, but never initiated contact again. Never heard from this friend. Friendship died and we knew each other from grade school.

r55 "I lose track of the details behind the thinking, but psychologists relate that it's not extremely uncommon for people to react to the death of someone close by ending other close relationships."

I wonder why this is the case?

I absolutely believe in ghosting friends like OP or basically any person who treats me like an after thought. I will try a few times to connect and I used to get angry about it when friends had no time for me. I had an obvious epiphany one day - "they don't want to talk to you, they don't want to hang out with you, they don't want to be your friend. Everyone is glued to their phones and check them several times a minute. It would be simple to respond." It was a harsh realization, but you can't make people want to be in touch. So I just disappeared on people who treated me like that. No explanations, nothing. Sometimes they would care after the fact like OP and often not. Once I stop caring for someone, I never look back. That includes family.

[quote]Any combination of 3 unreplies or cancelled meetups and its P&D.

This @ R39 and R59 have it right. Three blanks is about the right amount to admit defeat, albeit with sadness at reasonable hope dashed. Go for four, and you just look needy and masochistic. Best to move on with acceptance and dignity.

Yes, I had a friendship like this very recently. There was a while when we would talk daily but then it started where we never talk unless I reach out first. And the conversations just aren't the same. I feel like I have to practically force him to talk to me. So one day I just decided "You know what? If he wants to talk to me then let him be the one to reach out. I'm not going to this time." Well, we haven't spoken since. I don't know where it went wrong but it seems I must move on.

Totally empathize with this. I have a friend and our friendship is absolutely one sided. We or I should say I, have tried to get together, make plans etc. and it never works out. Something “pops up”. Although, I’m always, always texted when they are struggling with their relationship.

[quote]It's left me filled with rage because of the violations. But, I'm doing much better and accept myself more than they ever could.

r26

I'm sorry you are going through such a harsh realization. Sadly, someone us learn later in life what our companions figured out in grade school. You'll feel better soon, learn to establish boundaries, and build healthy relationships based on mutual respect.

R13 - you are 100% correct.

R29 - you would be justified in ambushing her to find out what went wrong especially if there was no specific incident that caused this.

R38, R56 - you are setting yourself up to be hurt by making people pass "tests". Some people are just not planners or they get used to you being the one who makes plans. If they happily accept your offers, show up on time and seem to enjoy themselves then why make it an issue?

R47 - you don't have to live with it. At least make an effort to reach out and apologize. Even if he freezes you out, you will feel better, but I suspect that he may be thrilled to hear from you.

Overall some of you seem to be mixing up ghosting--completely cutting off contact with someone with whom you once communicated daily or close to daily--and the natural ebb and flow of friendships. Ghosting, IMO, is one of the greatest displays of cowardice and cruelty and I'd judge anyone who admitted to doing so without a valid underlying reason (e.g. afraid for their lives.)

The latter (drifting) happens a lot with work friendships--you work with someone, you have lunch every day, sometimes you go out after work, you're in meetings together, you go on business trips together. And with that level of constant contact, you start to know them very well, better than many of your non-work friends. Sometimes these relationships become legit friendships, where you make weekend plans or share a hobby, integrate your non-work friend groups, etc. But mostly you are friends because you are in daily proximity to each other.

And then one of you gets a new job and the texts and emails and lunches grow more sporadic until they stop. But--here's the difference--if this person called to invite you to lunch out of the blue after three years, you'd be happy to see them again, happy to catch up, as neither of you blames the other for the drift and you still genuinely like them, it's just that you don't have enough in common to be close real world friends.

Yes, but only I know where he is...under my floor in a crawl space.

R64 you make good points (R56 here). I guess after all these years, I'm just tired of playing my role of eager-beaver texter. I'm simply updating my terms and conditions a little. My friend is right, really - it takes much less effort to politely end a conversation. Easier to just stop replying when you've had enough. As for initiating, I'll do so when I want to but again, I'm breaking out of my prescribed role as conversation-starter. It's liberating, and I'm ok with however it plays out.

Oops, I meant it takes effort to politely *end* a text exchange. What's the point? Easier to just stop replying, as my friend does.

When I was a gayling I had an older friend. He had a friend of 30+ years in town he was trying to avoid. At that age I couldn't imagine having a friend of 30 years. I asked him why he would want to dodge such an old old friend? He responded:

" After 30 years you don't want to be in the same room with them. Wait it will happen to you."

OP sounds like a narcissist.

Agreed, r69.

I have that experience too R69. At some point I sort of exhaust a person and get sick of them. I start seeing all the awful things about them.

I wish it wasn't so but it's happened too many times for me to not think it's a pattern. It's like at first their negative aspects are tolerable or even entertaining but eventually they aren't.

OP is our “I’m so pathetic” EST.

[quote] It’s like he just fell off the face of the earth.

Perhaps he just fell off the face of the earth.

Co-worker.... she completely disappeared. After a month her body was found... story was she drove to Tijuana (from LA) to buy over-the-counter drugs... drove to Fresno (where she knew no one) and overdosed.

Later it was remarked that her car in recent months had started to "stack up" junk in the back seat. When the landlord opened her apartment, there were stacks of stuff all over with only a few paths through the shoulder-high shit. He came to work to show these pics before she was found dead.

[quote]Later it was remarked that her car in recent months had started to "stack up" junk in the back seat. When the landlord opened her apartment, there were stacks of stuff all over with only a few paths through the shoulder-high shit. He came to work to show these pics before she was found dead.

That was pretty shitty of the landlord, r75.

R75, sorry for being dense here, but are you say the hoarding was a sign that she had a drug problem or was suicidal? I can't tell whether the OD you described was accidental or a suicide.

I don't think of hoarding as a sign that someone's a drug addict or suicidal.

R77 Who knows? I don't think she was a drug addict... or perhaps to prescription drugs. She was a respectable professional - although quirky. I think it was a suicide. I do think the "hoarding" was a sign of some mental illness was not addressed.

Her name was Karen. I want, as long as she's being discussed here, that we say her name and send her a wish to rest in peace. She obviously suffered.

Done, R78.

R55 when your friend’s brother died were you there for him? Frequent check ins to see how he was doing? Did you bring him a casserole? Maybe he felt that you could have been more supportive and when he got the last email from you was offended that you made it all about you.

[quote] [R55] when your friend’s brother died were you there for him? Frequent check ins to see how he was doing? Did you bring him a casserole? Maybe he felt that you could have been more supportive and when he got the last email from you was offended that you made it all about you.

My dad died kind of young. I was the first in my group of friends to have a death in the family. I was kind of surprised that not one fucking friend called to say sorry or showed up at the funeral. I didn't drop any of them like a hot potato, but I did make a mental note. People say: oh, everybody was so young, they didn't know what to say ... After all this time that's passed, I don't really think that's a good-enough excuse.

I can imagine how your mother felt, R34.

It's this feeling of confusion that never goes away. That's why I try not to go too deep with people initially.

I'm just naturally open. Not because I want something, but because lives are shared. And so many people are so closed off and scared of who they think they are just your face reminds them how helpless they were when you came to them.

It still hurts.

I became very good friends online with an upper middle class Russian who lives in Moscow. He's a professional with a good job and hates Putin. Very liberal. Everything was going along great, he always replied promptly and was a good guy. Last time I heard from him, in mid January, everything was fine, he talked about things we had been discussing and even asked me to explain a joke he read in a Stephen King novel: 11/22/63 - The joke was: "The plane was so old that the restrooms were marked Orville and Wilbur". He asked me what does that mean. (Being Russian he didn't know.) So I wrote back and explained it and talked about other things and the last thing he had written to me was "...will write back very soon." Then on January 15th he vanished completely (from online). Nobody knows what became of him. But I am worried about him because shortly before he disappeared he told me that he had been going out and protesting in the streets of Moscow for the release of Navalny! Then I read that hundreds of protesters had been arrested and incarcerated by the Moscow police. This also happened in cities all across Russia. So who knows? Is that a coincidence? He did give me a personal email address which I wrote to but no response from that either. He is married with two kids in a nice home but is secretly gay. Or maybe his wife knows...I'm not sure. In any case he had a nice family and life. He was fairly fluent in English but I was helping him with little things he didn't understand.

I hate when I become close with someone online who I really like and then one day they just vanish into thin air and there is no way to find out what became of them because of all the secrecy involved with being online...like here. I miss good old fashioned face to face friendships.

Some people might call "ghosting" or going no contact with someone cruel or cowardly, like R65. If someone can't have the courtesy yo respond to a text or only keeps communication on their terms, why not cut them loose. That's obviously what they want by their actions. Real friends and family stay in touch. It's a give a take. Typically conversations about this never go anywhere and sometimes it's best just to go no contact. Friends for a reason, friends for a season sometimes.

I had a friend who was really good about visiting me in the hospital. It was really hard for me to ease out of the relationship. I really disliked her personality and we had been friends when both were single. I gradually drew away and felt guilty, but she had to go. A relationship cannot be based on gratitude alone.. It happens, just as life goes on as we age.

[quote] A relationship cannot be based on gratitude alone.

When I first moved to my town, a stranger (woman) helped me out (finding a place to live) and we became friends. Over the years, she's called me for advice in my field and has even called me for advice for a friend (of hers, not mine). As time passed, I realized that she was taking me for granted (wanting to work around her schedule, not mine, wasting my time, etc.). I realized that I had sufficiently repaid her for her help. The last time she asked for professional advice, I referred her to someone else. Enough!

That's not "ghosting" R84

That's just giving up on someone who clearly doesn't want to be your friend anymore or who never was a close friend.

That also sounds like a description of something that's recently happened to you, not a random description.

For sure, dropping contact with people is something that has happened to me and by me. It definitely is how I prefer to hand;e things. Ghosting or going no contact is pretty cut and dry though. You just completely cut of contact with someone and never respond again.

Ghosting also implies that the person who was cut off is upset that they have been cut off, makes multiple attempts to contact the Ghost through various channels and is completely baffled as to why someone they considered to be an important part of their life now wants nothing to do with them, no matter how many times they try to make contact to get an explanation.

There are several descriptions of that on this thread - R29, R47 and R55 for starters.

Igot busy, didn't phone a friend for a week or two, then realized he is one of those "well if she isn't calling me, I'm not calling HER' Too Miss Thing for me!

Who?

The OP's situation is very different from the responses. The OP sounds like he won't commit to doing things because he's one of those types who have to feel it in the moment. Meaning, someone might invite him to a concert, but he's not sure how he's going to feel about going the day of, or even an hour before the concert begins. He knows this about himself and attempts to frame it as simply, "I'm a go with the flow kinda guy". In reality, he's very immature and not capable of planning and then following through. At least he seems to know this about himself. It's very immature and people are probably correct to ghost him eventually.

R83 I had an online "friend" of two years who abruptly exited my life. He dumped me rather than vanish but it was pretty shocking to say the least. We had a bunch of highly personal conversations and seemed to get along. I think online friendships are tricky because it's hard to gauge the other person's attachment to you. You may consider this Russian guy a friend but it's hard to know if he ever really cared about you or just thought of you as an amusing sentient App. I stick to real-world friendships now.

[quote} I was looking at old texts the other day and realized I hadn’t heard from him in over a year.

Since we're in a pandemic that's been going on for more than a year now, you might want to look for an obituary.

[quote] I think online friendships are tricky because it's hard to gauge whether anything the other person has told you is actually true, right down to their name, age, gender and location.

Fixed.

R29, are you serious or being sarcastic? Can't tell. If serious, that's painful. I've had so many people leave my life - it hurts.