An HR Cunt just posted this on LinkedIn

If that's love, then I'd hate to see hate.

HR is a department that tells me that my team of mostly women - smart, capable women whose talents they recently pretend to be interested in developing - cannot be re-graded in positions that reflect what they actually do because that would upset departmental budgets and calibration.

HR is kissing management's ass while legitimate complaints go ignored.

Hahahaha that HAS to be a DL troll!

If HR is love, then why is the number one rule in the office “HR is not your friend “?

HR is NOT for employees. Never forget that. They exist to protect the company from lawsuits. Do NOT trust HR.

"OUR LACK OF PLANNING IS YOUR EMERGENCY!"

Wonder if she's heard of 1984.

7/10 EST. I laughed a lot because I can really picture an HR frau saying that.

Love for management and their pay checks

R9 This was an actual post. I’d screenshot but don’t want to dox them. It’s a lot longer (“HR is the gatekeeper of culture etc).

Most people in HR have multiple STDs and are HIV+, because their self esteem is really low they engage in secret gangbangs often.

HR cunt perhaps is a better descriptor.

And I can picture either of the two versions:

A large African American woman of 38, dressed for evening and loaded with perfume, blousy and spouting HR cliches (multisyllabic word preferred) and never following up on any question, clarification or correction needed but always happy to talk, if you can catch her, which you can't, or

A trim, somewhat tailored white woman of 47, vaguely academic and short-haired, unmarried, wearing nun glasses and never smiling with both sides of her mouth tipped upward at the same time. She is so careful, informed and rigorous that she gives everyone the creeps; she also carries a deep-seated animus against men while lusting after a married male department director.

The OP's discovery seems to be the result of a rare partnership between the two, with the former's language but the latter actually doing the work to post it, while cringing just a bit at the dishonest sloganism.

[quote] HR is not on boarding

What's "on boarding"?

HR is not useful.

This is what happens with HR departments become flooded with people with Gender Studies degrees... it's happening.

The most hated people in any office building in any city in the country.

R14 - it's the process that used to be called "orientation" or "your first day on the job"

At big companies they make a whole day of it

I know HR seems to attract the gays. Must be our desires to play cheerleaders to the real players on the field, you know, the employees that actually make the company money.

We’re the gate keepers of culture.

Back when I was a corporate schmuck, 20 years ago, I somehow ended up being put in charge of HR (I had been the company's HR lawyer). I had six direct reports--all women. I didn't have a more unpleasant stint during all my corporate years than the two years I held that post.

Two specific memories:

1. I was working with some consultants, and our meeting was running late. I asked one of my direct reports--who happened to be the "relocation manager"--to arrange for a car to take the consultants to the airport. She was gone for half an hour, then returned and said, breathlessly, "Avis doesn't do one-way rentals." WTF? She was a bit too literal for her own good.

2. Same woman. We were having a "department meeting" and she starts going off on how complicated relocation is (we were discussing outsourcing that function). I said, "Oh, really?" I went up to the white board and wrote: "1. Sell old house. 2. Find new house. 3. Buy new house. 4. Move things. 5. Move cars. 6. Move employee and family member(s)." "Did I leave anything out?"

Thanks, R18.

What's the difference between HR and Compliance?

My team's HR partner just set up quarterly meetings with me to discuss HR goals for my group "because the last quarterly invites fell of the calendar".

I've never had such invites.

My current employer of over 100 people doesn't have an HR Frau. We have a very nice, personable, woman that I guess you can call a Girl Friday. God, she does everything, payroll, benefits, accounts payable, social director, catering and I have yet to see her in a foul mood. I hope they pay her $130K a year.

Former employers all had HR cunts that could peel paint off woodwork with just a glance.

About two years ago, I called up our HR Business Partner and said, "I have a question about company benefits." Her response: "You need to call the 800 number."

How did HR get out of doing all the recruiting/benefits type work?

Who wrote this, OP

r25 and r21 hit the nail on the head. The stereotypical HR drone simply takes things to literal when it suits them. They love to be the rule maker and enforcer. Will go down to the punctuation to prove a point. Flip that back on them and suddenly shit feels arbitrary and they get defensive. Many don't know they are coming off as cold because they see themselves as just hard working by the book types.

My first job was at a small healthcare office with about 15 people in our branch. I made the mistake of telling our Office Manager (hybrid HR/Payroll position) that I was nervous talking to her because i thought she had an issues with me. Well, it was the Christmas Party and she was drunk so she busted into tears. I apologized to her since my intent wasn't to offend her. She soften her approach to me and I grew to respect her contributions. I loved that she was not into the decoration and frau shit like talking about the Bachelor/Bachelorette, uh, kill me.

So they are very literal people that can be cold as ice, some of them don't mean to be that way. Others are just basic.

The university ones are the vilest.

I’m an HR consultant with nearly 20 years of HR experience. Trust me when I say...

HR is paperwork. HR is payroll. HR is onboarding. HR is benefits enrollment.

[quote] takes things to literal

Oh, dear.

Adding to r28 for the first year on my job I did recruiting which meant that our HR Admin and I had to work hand in hand. Our desks were next to each other, never again! It was two long years of disapproving glances about my candidates and processes. As she got up to chain smoke and down 4-6 cans of Mountain Dew every single day. We had no dividers or cubicles and when I say our desk were next to each other I mean like I faced her. Office was setup like the one in the Office.

You never want HR that far up your ass. The day we moved into a new office and she was sectioned off with the rest of the HR and Payroll crew was a magical day in my life. She also meant well but felt like she knew how to do my job and hers. I was a fresh college graduate that wouldn't be bullied so we had legit arguments.

My first job was a mess. Of course the people who drive you up a wall at work are also the same ones that are fun as hell at office happy hours so i took the good with the bad.

Nothing is worse than old HR lady farts

I am hiring for a position now in a hot tech/privacy focused area.

HR set the compensation for the position (which includes 10 years experience and an advanced degree) at $95,000 or so. We cannot get anyone at all with the required experience after 8 months of looking.

My boss ranted at HR about how HR has "fucked it all to Kalamazoo and back" for taking 8 months to find someone rather than fixing the compensation.

HR's reply: "Compensation is based on industry standard benchmarking with peer companies in our market. In this case, the market is anomalous relative to our benchmark data".

I'm not sure what my boss's complete reaction was when HR said that. He left the Teams meeting, and I'm pretty sure went straight to his bar.

R21 actually sounds like a cunt...no wonder he "somehow ended up being put in charge of HR."

I wish they’d go back to calling it the Personnel Department.

R35: Well, fuck you. Why exactly do I sound cunty to you?

A few good things come from the chaos of this pandemic:

We can work from home.

And human resources can be rendered obsolete.

Live, love, laugh, HR cunt.

R21/R37 was called a cunt because he admitted to being male and retired.

The beholed persons and their twat-adjacent supporters can't stand a man telling the truth about people who happen to be female.

How can she type that with a straight face?

R28 Given your tenuous grasp on the basics of English grammar you should consider yourself lucky to be employed at all.

HR - Human Remains

HR is Fascism

The only thing HR is better at than general incompetence is demonstrating a conniving, duplicitous nature.

R34 Companies need to lower their expectations. Very few have advanced degrees along with that amount of experience. This is part of why people are out of jobs.

HR is about representing the employer’s interests.

This is some 1984 Big Brother doublespeak messed up shit!

R46 Agreed. If the economic growth predictions are accurate, the job market will become an employee market soon.

There is only one main job for any HR department. To spy for company management.

"On-boarding", a useless reference to Employee Orientation. I suspect in a few years that terminology will change. I hope to be retired by then.

Another useless HR term: "Top Grading", which means we only hire professionals from Ivy League schools. See Culligan, ca 2013, and see where that got them.

This thread is upsetting and concerning to community members.

Oh this person is really hysterical. HR is a disaster! HR is incompetent! HR is deceitful! HR is not to be trusted!!!

The latest HR mantra at our company is "we are committed to achieving high talent density" which seems a bit odd when they laid off 50% off the company 7 months ago.

I work in human resources and I’m miserable every fucking day I wake up. It’s a worthless existence and completely unfulfilling. The sad part is is I wouldn’t know what else to do because I make too much money at this point. Everything that I’m interested in pays nothing. We are cunts every day. We don’t have your best interests at heart.

[quote] We were having a "department meeting" and she starts going off on how complicated relocation is (we were discussing outsourcing that function). I said, "Oh, really?" I went up to the white board and wrote: "1. Sell old house. 2. Find new house. 3. Buy new house. 4. Move things. 5. Move cars. 6. Move employee and family member(s)." "Did I leave anything out?"

Wow! You sound like the cunt in this situation, not her. You would be having a talk with HR if you ever pulled that with me.

^^^ I really hated it, too. But I was getting older (by workplace and DL standards, anyway)...mid-40s. So my options were limited.

Ultimately, I was able to transfer from HR to a different department and keep working until I became eligible for a lump-sum pension.

It honestly took me years to recover from my 20+ year corporate hell. I battled addictions to alcohol and prescription medicines (benzos, etc.), and had to work through so many issues (some work-related, but mostly personal) that I never had the time to tackle while working 70-80 hour weeks. I ended up OK, but in hindsight my entire career was a cautionary tale.

IR : INHUMAN RESOURCES

Jesus, almost two years of community college and Linda can't spell 'enrollment'?

HR are cunt profession