Q. I want to puke: I recently found out that my husband has been sexting his cousin! I’m at a loss. Just devastated. It’s bad enough that he has been sexting another woman, but it is with his first cousin and it has been going on for years! We’ve been married for 30 years! I feel like if it were any other woman, I could deal with this. And, my God, I wish it was someone else.
I feel trapped! I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about this! All I can think of is how disgusting and disappointed my children, who are in their 20s, and his family would be. We spend a lot of time together with his family and are very close. (No pun intended.) His sisters are like sisters to me. In fact, one of the sisters is best friends with the cousin! I can’t think straight! Please help me help myself! They both have said it hasn’t gone beyond texting, but from the messages I saw, I believe it would or could have.
A: You can, and should, talk to people about this! There is no good reason to keep this to yourself. You are devastated, you’re right to be devastated, and you’re going to need a great deal of support as you figure out your next move, so start thinking about at least one person you can share this with. You mention your fear of your children and your husband’s family’s reactions, and while it makes sense that that would be at the forefront of your mind, I don’t think you need to worry about that just yet. Your kids can’t be your primary support as you divorce your husband, and neither can your in-laws. Start with a therapist, if you can get an appointment soon, and a friend or relative of your own whom you can share the first wave of your grief, anger, and shock with. Don’t worry yet about how you’ll break the news to others; cross that bridge when you get to it. But the hardest step will be going from “No one knows about this but the three of us” to “It’s out in the open.” Once you’ve told one person, it will get—I won’t say easier, because this is not an easy situation—but it will feel less radical and disruptive to go from one to two and then from four to five, than it felt to go from zero to one.