Have you ever ghosted someone?

Yes. I felt bad whenever I was around them. I don’t know. It was five years ago and I would handle it differently now.

All of the time when I was in my 20’s. Mostly because I just got sick of people, and didn’t know how to explain why I didn’t want to see them anymore. The one that I feel worst about was finishing his Neurology residency when I dated him. He was from Argentina and cute, but too skinny and he had a skinny tongue...his tongue disgusted me when we kissed. We dated for 3 or 4 months, before I ghosted him. He moved to another city 6 months later, when he finished his residency. He called me and told me that he was leaving. He left a message on my voicemail saying that I should at least have the decency to meet him for a drink before he left. I ignored him. I feel terrible about it now. He was smart, handsome, hung, and a really good person. I was shallow and immature.

r2 could be a voice over monologue in an Éric Rohmer film

"He was smart, handsome, hung, and a really good person."

And you left him because he had a skinny tongue? WTF?!

That's like Seinfeld excuse, R2

Many.

No regrets so far.

R4, his tongue was skinny and dry...like a snake. I still kind of get creeped out when I think about it. I’m sure that I would find a way to overlook it now that I am older and more mature (with less options) but it was a dealbreaker back then.

Yeah. I had a co-worker who was a bit of an oddball LA Persian. A very nice friend and humorous and open minded. She and I would meet for lunch. But she ended up marrying a conservative because it looked bad for a Persian girl to be single after 30 and also because she would be 1 hour late everywhere and give waiters a hard time. Also, she was a soup addict and literally always smelled like soup. Nice friend when I was sick and always called to check on me but I ghosted her because she was clingy...she called me her "gusband" and it was too weird. I feel guilty.

Numerous times, I have decided that I do not want to hang around specific people anymore – but I was polite with my declines to their invitations, once I got bored with them. I’m a cold bastard, but I do have manners.

I have had some acquaintances thru the years where I felt ghosting was the safest option. It is frowned upon to ghost but there are a lot of volatile people in this world and sometimes it is the safest option

I’ve ghosted pretty much everyone I’ve ever known socially or worked with. I’ve gone years without speaking to family members. I often regret it, but the longer I avoid someone, the harder it is to re-make that connection.

I’ll probably die alone, and I deserve it.

I ghosted people who posted hard core MAGA/Dump stuff on social media; disagreement - even passionate disagreement is one thing - but still being on the Dump train after 6 January is clearly sign of a serious character/judgement flaw. I don't feel bad so much about ghosting them, but more about the extent to which I misjudged them in the first place.

I’ve been the ghost and the ghosted. Though ghosting is a shabby way to treat another person, it does avoid the very uncomfortable and rather awkward direct approach of telling someone that you no longer wish to see him nor speak to him.

Ghosting someone is really bad behavior which is only used by cowards.

I would never do it to someone I cared about (I'm talking about proper friends - not vague acquaintances) - even if things had gone 100% wrong with a friendship and I had no intention of keeping in contact with them - I would find a way to let them know what has happened and why. Ghosting is only necessary when the other person has no idea that there is an issue. If there was an issue in a friendship, I would rather know myself what I have done wrong so I can have the chance to either try to fix it or learn from it.

Does anybody else feel like slapping the fuck out of R2?

I know I do.

Found the persons Facebook and googled the name and found they were recently charged with another guy of robbing someone. No thank you!

I was ghosted by my first love in 1990. 25 years later we reconnected. We’ve been married for 5 years.

[quote]OP: Have you ever ghosted someone?

I've ghosted a number of people but for a sort of unique reason. I grew up in an abusive family, in a small, super-conservative and backward town where everyone meddled in each other's business. After many years of hard work, I left for good, moved abroad, and became rather well-known in [the arts]. I also made a lot of money. It was soon after that when estranged relatives, ex-friends and school acquaintances, even two of my exes started to contact me in various ways after apparently having found out where I live, trying to arrange to get together for who-knows-what. People who were already persona non grata to me for eons or who were otherwise ridiculously irrelevant and unimportant in my life suddenly pounding at my door.

Nope. I had my assistant take care of it; she set lunch dates, etc., with them by phone or e-mail and then conveniently sent a memo to each of them later on that I wouldn't be able to make it after all because I had to catch a last-minute flight overseas and that it wasn't clear when I'd be back. For some of them, it was three times before they got the hint.

Ghosting is a controversial topic on DL. In a perfect world, we'd all take the time to tell each other what we didn't like about our relationships.

I do ghost people, but by the time that happens, I have already asked them to change something that they were doing that bothered me. Maybe made repeated requests. In my family, when you try to explain what's bothering you, it becomes a tit-for-tat argument. Yes, it takes two to argue. But that is why I do ghost people.

My first year of college, had a friend who unloaded all of his problems on me all year. I escaped an abusive home thanks to an athletic scholarship and was scared of going home, and when I told my friend this, he stopped speaking to me. Oh, and as a bonus, he spread a rumor that the reason he stopped speaking to me was that I had told him that I was in love with him, and made up a shit that made me look insane. Everyone believed it because I was the "weird gay guy."

I hate him to this very day.

I ghosted a college friend about a year after our graduation. She not only was a Republican evangelical Christian who was against homosexuality, but she was also a high maintenance friend who treated me like crap and stopped speaking to me for long periods, only to come back and ask for favors. The final straw was when she begged me to go to her wedding, which was ultra-religious and the minister spoke about the evils of same-sex marriage. She emailed me after she got back from her honeymoon, I never replied, and that was that. I actually felt kind of sorry for her at her wedding because she had almost no friends there, while her husband filled up his entire side of the church with mostly friends. I guess I wasn't the only person who was sick of her.

I'm ghosting a lot of people now. I've tolerated a lot in the past, but now, if they are openly disrespectful, treat me badly, or make me feel they don't value me, I stop contacting them and in some cases, don't respond.

Everyone has to ghost people and everyone has ghosted others.

The world is full of people who don’t like or want the same things and there’s no need for fanfare or big ceremonies to address why all the time. Just Move On, dot org.

That said, it’s no excuse for the passive-aggressive phony @ r19 to lead people on, set up appointments with them and “give hints.”

That’s just inviting them to stay in your life and showing you have no honor.

[quote]How did the other person react?

If you truly ghost someone, you neither know or care.

Does it count when I pull a geographic and start a new adventure?

If you did it to distance yourself from someone.

Yeah, a guy I was dating in my 20s. For some reason, he was annoying the fuck out of me one day. When I walked him to the door, I was thinking, I’m never going to see this guy again. And I think he knew as well. He called about a week later, sounding pretty resigned. I never returned his call.

I saw him at a sex club a few years later. I fucked him through a glory hole but we never acknowledged each other. I didn’t like him but I still loved his ass.

R2 ...I’ve heard all kinds of reasons for breaking up with someone over the years. Having a “skinny tongue” is a first, I almost sprayed coffee over my iPad. In answer to the question, I was always far too nice to ghost people, even if they fucking well deserved it. Since I turned 40 I’m less inclined to take shit and there have been a few people I’ve simply blocked, but only ever with good reason.

Yes I have. I was in love with him but he turned out to be a text book narcissist . I started with "no contact" after a year and half of trying to make sense of his words & actions. After over a year of no contact he tried renewing contact and when I didn't respond after an initial polite formal reply he reached out to my old colleagues (who didn't know him at all) and even to the HR of my current workplace feigning concern for my well being (Which he never ever showed an iota of earlier). Stalked me online and then dropped me mails to my office and personal ids saying I was immature and some common friend told him I had been sick (We have no common friends) which is why he had reached out. I finally replied to his email, explained that I had decided to move on with my life and in the process cut off people who I didn't feel harbored goodwill towards me. He tried to gaslight me and push all the blame on me in a few mails but I just let the last few rot in spam.

I don't regret ghosting him. I just wish I had quit that one sided thing much earlier than I did.

I just didn't want to deal with the person's drama and negativity anymore.

Yes, I reconnected with a friend after many years. We went out a few times but he had changed. He didn't seem very interested in a friendship and would basically ignore me when we went to some bars together.

I just stopped calling him. He called a few times and left messages, but I ignored them.

As someone that's been ghosted by some dates I can say that it absolutely terrible. I hope the people that do get to experience that level of hurt and confusion once in their lives so they can cut out that bullshit. If they have had it happen to them but do it to others then they are just low-life cowards.

If things didn't workout just say i, it's one maybe two text messages. I know I wasted a lot of energy on guys that gave mixed signals in person then radio silence after the fact. It really hurt my self-esteem because I couldn't tell what I was dong wrong or what I had done to offend someone so much that they couldn't just text me a rejection (you know they would never call). The worst is when you are 3 or more dates in and the guy just goes silent. The person owes me nothing for such a brief number of encounters but it's about being a decent human and thinking about the other person's feelings over your own desire to protect yourself from a difficult conversation.

My one rule is that when I see these men out in public, and it happen, I just give a megawatt smile, with a passing hello and keep walking. Don't let those assholes see me sweat. We certainly have nothing more to discuss so I don't strike up conversations with them. I guess this is how I learned to become jaded like so many gay men soon after coming out.

You're way, too needy, r33.

He's "just not that into you" and three daters don't owe you anything. An explanation "why" would probably just insult you, hurt your feelings or lead you on, thinking you have a chance if you change things. And it's probably over subjective/ personal preference stuff -- things that aren't even wrong. Do you really want a big confrontation explaining that he doesn't like the way your pheromones smell or the clothes you wear?

Even your passive-aggressive, "megawatt smile" says that you care too much, you're still hurt, you're too needy and you lack dignity/self respect.

I had a bff I ghosted. He was a user. He had a sugar daddy but he didn't want to move out of the country with him so he used me to move in with me. Never got a job, never paid rent or a bill. I told him he had to move out or we would never be friends because I was resenting him. He moved out and then used me to do something shady so he could get a new car and then the idiot got it stolen a week after he got it. So now he had no car. He asked to borrow mine to go to a job interview and I thought finally he was getting his shit together. He was gone most of the day and I told him to be back by a certain time because i needed it for work (I worked at home for a magazine and had to go to an interview and had to call a cab because of him, then he was mad i was not home.) That was the last straw. I cut hm out of my life. Stopped returning his calls, and since he had no car, he had no way to get to me. He went as far as to have his sister call me to tell me he was going to commit suicide. I ran into him years later in the AA lounge in Chicago. He was in front of me getting a drink at the bar. He looked at me and said "jesus christ" and walked away.

R34, When I read the words “megawatt smile” I could only picture Diana Ross. Maybe our mystery guest at R33 is Diana Ross?

Yeah, I think that after one or two dates, people should be able to just move on without a detailed explanation. I'd rather just move on than spend further time unpacking what went wrong during an exit interview.

It shows some class if you send a text or email saying 'I enjoyed getting to know you, but I think we've taken it as far as we can' or similar. To ghost someone you've had sex with as a date isn't defensible, although it happens with hookups. You can back away from an acquaintance with no explanation, but if a friend asks you for one, I think you owe it.

Shitty behavior by damaged people. Quelle surprise. I would guess much more common among the Trumptards and bar faggots.

R10 is correct... there are times when a civil conversation just won’t do because the person will get aggressive or maybe even violent if you dare to tell them why they’re being a shitty friend, so you need to just ease out slowly and quietly.

I've been on a lot of first dates where neither of us followed up afterwards. That doesn't seem like ghosting or a problem. When I got ghosted after four months of dating one time, that irriated me, though.

Did he ever rim you, r7? I bet that snake-tongue felt AMAZING inside your quivering hole.

I ghosted Harry and Meghan

Met a guy on Match. We had a great time, and at the end of dinner, he told me he just came out to his wife and two kids (under 5). He had moved into a guest room in their house. He told me he was so glad we met, because he was afraid he'd never find a guy who wanted to be a dad to his kids.

So I ghosted.

[quote] actually felt kind of sorry for her at her wedding because she had almost no friends there

I learned my lesson on this one. After a certain age, if a person as been around for a while and has no friends then there is a reason for it and it's best to stay the fuck away from them.

Maybe? I don’t know. I have a couple of texts and emails I haven’t responded to, but only because I need a break from other people’s drama. When my life calms down I’ll try to re-connect.

[quote] Also, she was a soup addict and literally always smelled like soup.

What kind of soup?

How do we define ghosting? Some of these scenarios don't sound like ghosting, they sound like cutting off contact with abusive people, often with an explanation.

Was about to say the same, r48. "Ghosting" is when you stop all communication out of the blue. The other person would have no real idea why. Most of the stories here show that you said something to the other person and the cut them off. It's also not really ghosting if you never met the person in real life (with some exceptions, of course).

I'd also argue that losing contact with casual acquaintances isn't really ghosting; it's falling out of touch or just limiting drama. I dropped some old friends on social media when it became clear they'd drunk the Trump Kool-aid, but these are people I hadn't been real friends with for 30 years. It's quite possible they didn't even notice that they weren't seeing my posts anymore.

Probably a dozen times; mostly nutters, users and creeps I had to ditch for sanity and peace of mind. Haven’t regretted it once, and wish I could cut off the last remaining bits of rot in my life (I.e., close family members who ain’t shit).

This culling has come back around to bite me, though, as the girl I fell for a few years back will not talk to me or get in touch, over the most minor misunderstanding. I also had a good friend from college ghost me when she got a boyfriend. Oh well, you win some, you lose some.

R2 You're lucky you dated such a calm and mature man. If someone ghosted me after FOUR months of dating I'd show up at their fucking workplace. You dated someone for four months and then decided a break-up phone call wasn't worth the effort? Anyone who does something that horrendous in their 20s is likely still piece of shit by the time they're 70.

I once had a boyfriend of a few months try to ghost me, and I went to his house and asked him point-blank if it was over. He hemmed and hawed and admitted that it was, and then he said he'd like to still be friends. I told him to go fuck himself and left.

[quote] I also had a good friend from college ghost me when she got a boyfriend.

I've always made time for my friends when I've been in relationships. Platonic friendships are really important to me. I don't understand dropping all (or a bunch) of your friends when you have a BF or husband. As I get older and people start dying, will be interesting to see how the surviving half of a couple copes.

Yes. Any Trump supporters. Also, a toxic couple. Compulsive liars and borderline criminals. Told them outright, Bye! Too much drama!

[quote]Told them outright, Bye!

That's not ghosting.

The summer between high school and college one of my best friends ghosted me and everyone else from school.

There were four of us who always hung out together and he ghosted all three of us, plus everyone else from school.

It's almost 20 years later and while I'm in touch with the other two guys, none of us ever heard from him again nor understands what happened--there were no signs, he was well liked at school, had gotten into a school he wanted to go to.

We went to his parents apartment the week before we left for college, but they wouldn't let us up, just told the doorman that "we can't see them right now"

I remember that every time we came back from school (Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.) I'd think that he'd have gotten over whatever was bothering him, but never happened and eventually we just gave up.

It;s still a topic of conversation with my classmates--it was a private school so the class wasn't very big and most of us had been together since elementary school. He has an account on FB that seems to indicate he's got a long-term girlfriend or wife and is in a good job in the Portland area, but that's based on a handful of public photos and some google stalking.

It did hurt a lot, mostly because it seemed so one sided and you do all sorts of recriminations, trying to think of what you might have said. Fortunately there were three of us in the same boat, so I had people to talk to who were in the same boat, but it still sucked and I would never do that to anyone.

See? That's what sucks about ghosting people--it leaves them forever questioning what happened. It's so passive-aggressive. Unless the person is a total cunt who doesn't deserve any kind of further interaction, the least one can do is call them or send them a message. Or, you can do the grown-up thing, and take their calls but always be 'too busy.' That's a kinder way of letting them know you're not interested in pursuing the friendship.

If it's someone you're dating, you should always do them the courtesy of an actual break-up visit or phone call, unless they are outright abusive.

Yes and I feel terrible for it. I was ghosted myself about a year after that, so I suppose that was karma kicking me in the ass. It feels terrible and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. If you can provide someone with closure, do it. It's always better to hear "listen, I'm not into this and it's not working for me, but I wish you well" than nothing at all. It leaves you with too many unanswered questions and you start doubting yourself.

After high school, I ghosted everyone. I hated them all

Hon, you don't ghost anyone. Like your mom, OCD about control and no pride whatsoever

Clearly in the minority, but I actually prefer to be ghosted, than to be confronted with the awkward farewells or with the frosty “I’m busy”/“I need personal time” front. Perhaps because I’m English, and avoidant.

My closest high-school friend decided she was too busy for me when we parted ways and went to different universities. I accepted this, and would have understood a ghosting if been a little hurt. Instead, she decided to make it clear to me verbally (via phone and text conversations) that I was a loser who couldn’t keep up with her high-achieving lifestyle, and that she didn’t want to deal with me because I made her look back to her new upscale friends in STEM.

For years she was like a sister to me, so this came as a major shock, and at a time when I was already extremely anxious about leaving home/higher education and sliding into depression. I was so heartbroken, I barely left my dorm room that year, and consequently didn’t make any lasting new friendships at University at all. I haven’t been able to make friends, since. So her honesty and integrity and upfrontness actually had serious ramifications.

To be clear, I get that some don’t want to be around those who, like me, struggle socially or aren’t mentally or emotionally as stable. I respect that. Nonetheless, telling someone straight out or even implying to their face that you think they’re defective or somehow lesser and not worth a friendship is fucked up. Just quietly fade away with no fanfare, or with a decent courteous excuse. You don’t know what the other person is going through.

Well yes, ghosting is preferable to THAT. But there are kinder ways to separate yourself from someone than either disappearing OR telling them that they're a worthless piece of shit.

Your ex-friend sounds like a sociopaths. Friends often lose touch when they go to college. She could easily have moved gently out of your life without treating you like that.

Yes. After years of having it done to me, I decided to try it on others and now I understand the thrill of the delicious cruelty.

In your case, R62, your vindictive "friend" had to justify breaking your friendship to herself so she abused you. Unfortunately there are adults, and many of them, who are so insecure that they will do that in order to prove themselves to a new group. I hope you can banish her into the ether where she belongs and find better people. You're worthy of having people who value you.

[quote] I feel terrible about it now.

You should, R2. You sound like a horrible person. You deserve every horrible thing that ever happens to you.

[quote] I’ll probably die alone, and I deserve it.

You deserve so much worse. I can think of a few things.

I hope R34 and R37 are kidnapped and left on an ice floe. Naked.

[quote] My closest high-school friend decided she was too busy for me when we parted ways and went to different universities. I accepted this, and would have understood a ghosting if been a little hurt. Instead, she decided to make it clear to me verbally (via phone and text conversations) that I was a loser who couldn’t keep up with her high-achieving lifestyle ...

Yes, my close friend from H.S. sent me a photo of herself in her Air Force uniform and wrote, on the back, "Don't stagnate." What? I was in college. Geez. She went on to get married & divorced with a baby in between. Single mom for a long time. Sigh.

This female friend kept trying to ghost me for years but I didn't "get it." I finally realized she didn't want to be friends. I dunno, she always seemed happy to hear from me. I would've preferred she just tell me as much. Now when people want to be friends but I'm not interested, I'm kind but clear.

[quote] If someone ghosted me after FOUR months of dating I'd show up at their fucking workplace.

With a revolver.

[quote] As I get older and people start dying, will be interesting to see how the surviving half of a couple copes.

Hopefully their dead, rank bodies fester on the carpet for a month or two before anyone knows. If their cats want to pick their bones clean, that’s also fine.

[quote] When my life calms down I’ll try to re-connect.

Hopefully they tell you to go piss up a rope.

I had two different friends who treated me like crap in high school, causing me to stop being friends with them, write me once I was in college (actual letters, I am old) wanting to renew the friendships. I threw both letters in the trash. Not exactly ghosting, but it made me feel much better.

>>>Or, you can do the grown-up thing, and take their calls but always be 'too busy.' That's a kinder way of letting them know you're not interested in pursuing the friendship.

Not always. A former good friend did this to me and by the time I realised what was going on, a few months had gone by, and I felt utterly humiliated.

I agree with R70.

Here's a good lesson to teach any young person you are mentoring: People that want to spend time with you, do. This applies to friends, lovers, family, whatever. Even if they are super busy, they will take the time to see you. It may not be as often as they or you would like, but you WILL see them sometimes.

If they never make the time and always claim they are too busy even though they LOVE spending time with you, they are lying. Move on and don't waste your time.

r52 is not gonna be IGNORED, Dan.

R74 good for you, I love that.

The friend with a boyfriend who ghosted me I mentioned (at R51) texted me out of the blue about three years after she ghosted, to ask what’s up and to see if she could stay over and couchsurf for a weekend. The audacity of it! We hadn’t been friends or even in friendly contact for years, and the last time we were hanging out she kept blanking me and blowing me off for her boyfriend. Then she had the temerity to text offhand, rather than at least make an effort with a brief phonecall or writing a damn postcard.

It actually took me a few hours to place who the text was from, as she hadn’t signed her name and I’d deleted her number from my phone long before. Once we’d done the quick ‘new phone who dis’ dance and she didn’t take the hint, I decided to take the most tactfully pass-agg but also most ridiculous and deceitful approach to responding. I texted back that I was in in the process of moving to Australia for a promotion in my marketing career so I sadly couldn’t oblige, but maybe she could check out some hostels & shelters nearby to her (I even included a couple of links to hostel websites). I was not moving to Australia (I’ve never even been there), I didn’t have a high-flying international job in marketing (still don’t, I’m semi-unemployed), and at the time the house I lived in did have a free spare room and a sofa bed she could easily have used.

Denied. Maybe treat people better, hag.

R78 that’s funnnyyy. How soon did she get the message after receiving the hostel link?

R79 instantly, I think. She never responded, so I assume my message hit the target. Who knows, though? I like the element of mystery. Always play with their minds...

I don't understand the question.

I'm politely distant at first if they don't get it and contact me again I send back an emoji. That usually does it but fter that I go silent.

[quote]People that want to spend time with you, do.

Exactly this. If it's always you who maintains contact, that's a distinct red flag. Quite often the not-so-keen party will go along with whatever the contact is from politeness, and inability to let go. However, non-reciprocation usually sends its message. Best to acknowledge it.

I ghosted a friend years ago, and do think about her a lot these days. At the time I was newly diagnosed with cancer, my LT relationship had ended, and I had lost hundreds of thousands on a failed business. Despite knowing this, all she talked about was me helping her get a man, that her dad had intended to give her 9 million but her evil stepmother spent 3 million, leaving her 'only' 6 million, and that we needed to go on a fun vacation. I promise I wasn't a Debbie downer about my life, as I'm still friends with everyone else from that time, and have been supportive to them. But her tone deafness at every turn drove me away. She did ask fellow friends what happened, and the best she got was 'really, you have to ask?!', as they knew too. I was the one to took her to the hospital for surgeries, and was there when she'd wake up, and would stay with her for a few days post surgery, make meals etc.

Amongst my group of friends, I was the first to have a parent die. My friends pretty much ghosted me in that nobody called to ask me how I was doing, etc. Everybody says, they were young, nobody knew how to react, etc. But after that, I realize how people are and can be.

Also, I stopped responding to long-lost friends. I found out that all they want to do is tell me how many kids they have and then we lose contact again.

R78 You both sound insufferable

Yes, never have relationships with people who "always play with their minds."

I've made something of a habit of it.