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The First Line in Your Autobiography

"We didn't have the biggest house in the neighborhood, but it housed the biggest cunt."

by First Time Authorreply 10502/28/2021

"My face was so wet from pole-juice, I could barely light my ciggy."

by First Time Authorreply 102/23/2021

"My first memory was a false fingernail sliding into my rectum."

by First Time Authorreply 202/23/2021

I wasn't the son he wanted, and he wasn't the father I deserved.

by First Time Authorreply 302/23/2021

“What’s that smell?” she said.

by First Time Authorreply 402/23/2021

I was an exceptionally ordinary child.

by First Time Authorreply 502/23/2021

"I always knew I'd be famous."

by First Time Authorreply 602/23/2021

“What the hell are you doing with that carrot, son?” my father asked.

by First Time Authorreply 702/23/2021

Chapter 1: I Am Torn From My Mother’s Womb

To begin my life with the beginning of my life, I record that I was torn from my mother’s womb (as I have been informed and believe) on a Friday, at twelve o'clock at night. It was remarked that the clock began to strike, and I began to cum, simultaneously. '

by First Time Authorreply 802/23/2021

"I was born in a small town in Louisiana, known only for Ellen DeGeneres and David Duke".

by First Time Authorreply 902/23/2021

It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.

by First Time Authorreply 1002/23/2021

It was a dark and horny night.

by First Time Authorreply 1102/23/2021

I knew I was never going to be popular or special. I was quite ordinary really. Just one more face hidden in a crowd.

by First Time Authorreply 1202/23/2021

I was born a poor black child on the wrong side of town.

Excerpt from “Meghan Markle: Journey To The Palace.”

by First Time Authorreply 1302/23/2021

It was inevitable: the scent of poppers always reminded him of the fate of unrequited love.

by First Time Authorreply 1402/23/2021

I didn't want to suck that breast.

by First Time Authorreply 1502/23/2021

"JOEL! JOEL! JOEL!", I moaned, like a feral alley cat in heat; never spilling a drop of my mint julip!

by First Time Authorreply 1602/23/2021

Miss Gayloway said she would bring the fabulosity herself!

by First Time Authorreply 1702/23/2021

I was born in the wagon of a travelling show.

by First Time Authorreply 1802/23/2021

I was too young to die and too fat to be loved.

by First Time Authorreply 1902/23/2021

I got raped on a small town farm.

by First Time Authorreply 2002/23/2021

I WISH either my father or my mother, or indeed both of them, as they were in duty both equally bound to it, had minded what they were about when they begot me; had they duly consider’d how much depended upon what they were then doing;

by First Time Authorreply 2102/23/2021

I had to be cut from my mamma's belly; it seemed that pussy and me was not a good match.

by First Time Authorreply 2202/23/2021

You’ve got to climb to the top of Mount Everest to reach The Valley of the dolls.

by First Time Authorreply 2302/23/2021

“Sometimes a daisy sprouts from a dung heap.”

by First Time Authorreply 2402/23/2021

My First Grade teacher wrote on one of my report cards that I asked "Why?" too much.

by First Time Authorreply 2502/23/2021

On (date) a boy was born and that was a big mistake. A mistake, yes, the boy wished he was a girl. Thus starts the saga of...(name) into the cruel world.

by First Time Authorreply 2602/23/2021

“I was molested.”

by First Time Authorreply 2702/23/2021

"Last night I dreamt I went to Elmhurst, NJ, again."

by First Time Authorreply 2802/23/2021

I'd just link this

Offsite Link
by First Time Authorreply 2902/23/2021

Who, what, when, where, why? Those are the questions that will be answered in this autobiography.

by First Time Authorreply 3002/23/2021

They didn’t call him Mr. Spatchcock for no reason...

Excerpt from If It’s Up, Then It’s Stuck: An Autobiography

by First Time Authorreply 3102/23/2021

Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.

by First Time Authorreply 3202/23/2021

L.A. was too much for this man.

by First Time Authorreply 3302/23/2021

I love you, R29.

by First Time Authorreply 3402/23/2021

It wouldn’t be the first time that I had an awkwardly experience with an older girl at prom. However, it was the only time that I ended up being thrown into a school’s dumpster by my mother -soon after she gave birth to me on the night of her junior prom.

by First Time Authorreply 3502/23/2021

I was born at home and my mother immediately said "Take it away! And bring me another lover!"

by First Time Authorreply 3602/23/2021

It was a cold, October afternoon in 1992 at Highland Park Village in Dallas, when I walked into my destiny...

Offsite Link
by First Time Authorreply 3702/23/2021

I am born.

by First Time Authorreply 3802/23/2021

Im am three year old, sitting in my closet while rocking back and forth, trying to soothing myself.2

by First Time Authorreply 3902/23/2021

Call me a schlemiel.

by First Time Authorreply 4002/23/2021

How can a Barbie doll make me so happy and the world so cruel?

by First Time Authorreply 4102/23/2021

I said it was too big but, not for the last time in my young life, I was wrong.

by First Time Authorreply 4202/23/2021

Spawned in a ditch? Dulcinea had it easy.

by First Time Authorreply 4302/23/2021

I forget where I was born. Apparently I was preoccupied when it happened.

by First Time Authorreply 4402/23/2021

Mama tol me when I was born the ‘bilical cord got tied round my neck. It started choking me so much I turned blue. The doctor knew something was wrong. Since then I’ve liked blue. It saved my life.

by First Time Authorreply 4502/23/2021

Fucked on Castro Street. Fucked in life.

by First Time Authorreply 4602/23/2021

Mama always told folks she just went out back to take a shit and that when she saw me wrigglin' and a hollerin' on the ground she thought where on the Lord's good earth did that come from?

by First Time Authorreply 4702/23/2021

Introduction:

I have chosen to title this memoir [italic]Open All Night[/italic] for reasons which will become apparent in Chapter Two (“Young Adulthood”)

by First Time Authorreply 4802/23/2021

[quote] I have chosen to title this memoir Open All Night for reasons which will become apparent in Chapter Two (“Young Adulthood”)

I am more interested in Chapter One.

by First Time Authorreply 4902/23/2021

'I wasn't embarrassed that the townspeople snickered at me walking sideways through the streets for days after that night when Trent forcefully entered me."

by First Time Authorreply 5002/23/2021

My pussy stank.

by First Time Authorreply 5102/23/2021

I rose from the womb as if from the grave.

by First Time Authorreply 5202/23/2021

A girl in trouble is a temporary thing.

by First Time Authorreply 5302/23/2021

It was a dark and Stormy night.

by First Time Authorreply 5402/23/2021

The smell of my wet fart filled the room as he pulled his now soft tumescence out of my gaping, windy hole.

by First Time Authorreply 5502/23/2021

I had a farm in Africa, ..

by First Time Authorreply 5602/23/2021

The doctor recommended I up my dosage, but he neglected to advise me to wait until I returned home.

by First Time Authorreply 5702/23/2021

It was the first day of my life and the last day of my life.

by First Time Authorreply 5802/23/2021

If you are what you eat, I am a dirty cum rag.

by First Time Authorreply 5902/23/2021

I screamed "FUCK MACON " as I was savagely ripped from the warmth Of the Vagina .

by First Time Authorreply 6002/23/2021

It was the summer they assassinated Donald Trump, and every day was like Christmas, your birthday and the Fourth Of July all rolled into one.

by First Time Authorreply 6102/23/2021

People have always confused me for someone who gave a shit.

by First Time Authorreply 6202/23/2021

“I grew up five miles from Three Mile Island.”

by First Time Authorreply 6302/23/2021

This is the hardest I've laughed in a long time. That's not my opening line; just a statement of fact. More, more!

by First Time Authorreply 6402/23/2021

My mother knew I would be an overachiever who loved to brag and made arrangements for me to be platinum gay.

by First Time Authorreply 6502/23/2021

“I would have been much taller had my parents fucked other people, but it is what it is...”

by First Time Authorreply 6602/23/2021

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful; hate me because I’m a stuck up beyotch.

by First Time Authorreply 6702/23/2021

The funny thing was that I really didn't care for pineapple.

by First Time Authorreply 6802/23/2021

I was born to not know what a weekend is.

by First Time Authorreply 6902/24/2021

I fell out of my mother's vagina and landed in a pair of high heal shoes!!!

by First Time Authorreply 7002/24/2021

We just knew this tiniest of blossoms would flower into the fattest cockwhore our families would ever spawn.

by First Time Authorreply 7102/24/2021

He was a connoisseur of men.

by First Time Authorreply 7202/24/2021

“Hold my beer while I get my banjo”, wheezed Grandmother

by First Time Authorreply 7302/24/2021

His magnificent 14 inch penis belonged in a museum. Or me.

by First Time Authorreply 7402/24/2021

Joel, light of my life, fire of my loins.

by First Time Authorreply 7502/24/2021

I am an invisible bottom.

by First Time Authorreply 7602/24/2021

Call me Meghan McCain, co-host of "The View."

by First Time Authorreply 7702/24/2021

I crept up into the barn - I was so scared to look inside but I just had to.

by First Time Authorreply 7802/24/2021

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

by First Time Authorreply 7902/24/2021

After seeing Victor/Victoria, I figured out their secret.

by First Time Authorreply 8002/24/2021

"Every hero becomes a bore at last."

by First Time Authorreply 8102/24/2021

They dragged me out of Mommy’s womb at an ungodly hour of the morning and did not offer coffee.

by First Time Authorreply 8202/24/2021

From the moment I was born, I was the light of my father’s eyes.

by First Time Authorreply 8302/24/2021

Ball me Ishmael.

by First Time Authorreply 8402/24/2021

I was christened World Trade Center and I was an insatiable bottom!

by First Time Authorreply 8502/24/2021

I'd always thought of Fresno as a place never to be thought of, a portal to hell void of interesting demons, a dry heave more than a violent vomit and for the first time in my life I was correct.

by First Time Authorreply 8602/24/2021

I had willed my ugly face to turn pretty.

by First Time Authorreply 8702/24/2021

I didn't ask for the anal probe.

by First Time Authorreply 8802/24/2021

"So Your Honor, that's why I had to kill them ALL."

by First Time Authorreply 8902/24/2021

I farted myself awake and the dildo slipped out and rolled off the bed, hitting the floor with a rubbery thump.

by First Time Authorreply 9002/24/2021

*Excerpt

by First Time Authorreply 9102/24/2021

I was born a hung oriental...

by First Time Authorreply 9202/24/2021

She was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, that much is true.

by First Time Authorreply 9302/24/2021

I'm Yvonne and this is it!

Offsite Link
by First Time Authorreply 9402/24/2021

Early to rise, early to bed. In and between I cooked and cleaned and went out of my head.

by First Time Authorreply 9502/24/2021

R95 Next line: Badda de bing bing, yay a, hada hey ho hey hee.

by First Time Authorreply 9602/24/2021

Once upon a time....

by First Time Authorreply 9702/24/2021

I was conceived through IVF, delivered through cesarean section, and I'm gay. God did not intend me to go anywhere near vaginas.

by First Time Authorreply 9802/24/2021

R93 I hate-love that song, because it's so trashy and unmusical and British 1980s one-hit wonder.

by First Time Authorreply 9902/26/2021

"I sniffed Rebecca's underwear."

by First Time Authorreply 10002/26/2021

I came out of a vagina, why would I want to go back into one?

by First Time Authorreply 10102/26/2021

By the time I was 19, I fucked every tight bottom on the east side of the city, then I covered the west side. And they all came back for more....

by First Time Authorreply 10202/26/2021

The limo sped away as I lay tossed in the gutter, strung out in short short cutoffs as distressed as I was. Above me hung a chipped advertisement - [italic][bold]Fried Chicken![/bold] [/italic] How apt, I thought, and resolved to turn this train, by which I mean myself, around.

by First Time Authorreply 10302/26/2021

R99, I kinda dislike the song too, but it was the #1 song the week I was born and also because I was conceived because my mom was a cocktail waitress near the Navy base in the Philippines.

by First Time Authorreply 10402/27/2021

"I killed Jonbenet."

by First Time Authorreply 10502/28/2021
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