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The First Line in Your Autobiography

"We didn't have the biggest house in the neighborhood, but it housed the biggest cunt."

by First Time Authorreply 105February 28, 2021 4:01 PM

"My face was so wet from pole-juice, I could barely light my ciggy."

by First Time Authorreply 1February 23, 2021 8:55 PM

"My first memory was a false fingernail sliding into my rectum."

by First Time Authorreply 2February 23, 2021 9:01 PM

I wasn't the son he wanted, and he wasn't the father I deserved.

by First Time Authorreply 3February 23, 2021 9:02 PM

“What’s that smell?” she said.

by First Time Authorreply 4February 23, 2021 9:05 PM

I was an exceptionally ordinary child.

by First Time Authorreply 5February 23, 2021 9:07 PM

"I always knew I'd be famous."

by First Time Authorreply 6February 23, 2021 9:07 PM

“What the hell are you doing with that carrot, son?” my father asked.

by First Time Authorreply 7February 23, 2021 9:09 PM

Chapter 1: I Am Torn From My Mother’s Womb

To begin my life with the beginning of my life, I record that I was torn from my mother’s womb (as I have been informed and believe) on a Friday, at twelve o'clock at night. It was remarked that the clock began to strike, and I began to cum, simultaneously. '

by First Time Authorreply 8February 23, 2021 9:11 PM

"I was born in a small town in Louisiana, known only for Ellen DeGeneres and David Duke".

by First Time Authorreply 9February 23, 2021 9:12 PM

It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.

by First Time Authorreply 10February 23, 2021 9:15 PM

It was a dark and horny night.

by First Time Authorreply 11February 23, 2021 9:17 PM

I knew I was never going to be popular or special. I was quite ordinary really. Just one more face hidden in a crowd.

by First Time Authorreply 12February 23, 2021 9:19 PM

I was born a poor black child on the wrong side of town.

Excerpt from “Meghan Markle: Journey To The Palace.”

by First Time Authorreply 13February 23, 2021 9:22 PM

It was inevitable: the scent of poppers always reminded him of the fate of unrequited love.

by First Time Authorreply 14February 23, 2021 9:27 PM

I didn't want to suck that breast.

by First Time Authorreply 15February 23, 2021 9:28 PM

"JOEL! JOEL! JOEL!", I moaned, like a feral alley cat in heat; never spilling a drop of my mint julip!

by First Time Authorreply 16February 23, 2021 9:30 PM

Miss Gayloway said she would bring the fabulosity herself!

by First Time Authorreply 17February 23, 2021 9:32 PM

I was born in the wagon of a travelling show.

by First Time Authorreply 18February 23, 2021 9:35 PM

I was too young to die and too fat to be loved.

by First Time Authorreply 19February 23, 2021 10:15 PM

I got raped on a small town farm.

by First Time Authorreply 20February 23, 2021 10:20 PM

I WISH either my father or my mother, or indeed both of them, as they were in duty both equally bound to it, had minded what they were about when they begot me; had they duly consider’d how much depended upon what they were then doing;

by First Time Authorreply 21February 23, 2021 10:23 PM

I had to be cut from my mamma's belly; it seemed that pussy and me was not a good match.

by First Time Authorreply 22February 23, 2021 10:24 PM

You’ve got to climb to the top of Mount Everest to reach The Valley of the dolls.

by First Time Authorreply 23February 23, 2021 10:27 PM

“Sometimes a daisy sprouts from a dung heap.”

by First Time Authorreply 24February 23, 2021 10:28 PM

My First Grade teacher wrote on one of my report cards that I asked "Why?" too much.

by First Time Authorreply 25February 23, 2021 10:32 PM

On (date) a boy was born and that was a big mistake. A mistake, yes, the boy wished he was a girl. Thus starts the saga of...(name) into the cruel world.

by First Time Authorreply 26February 23, 2021 10:33 PM

“I was molested.”

by First Time Authorreply 27February 23, 2021 10:34 PM

"Last night I dreamt I went to Elmhurst, NJ, again."

by First Time Authorreply 28February 23, 2021 10:35 PM

I'd just link this

Offsite Link
by First Time Authorreply 29February 23, 2021 10:37 PM

Who, what, when, where, why? Those are the questions that will be answered in this autobiography.

by First Time Authorreply 30February 23, 2021 10:38 PM

They didn’t call him Mr. Spatchcock for no reason...

Excerpt from If It’s Up, Then It’s Stuck: An Autobiography

by First Time Authorreply 31February 23, 2021 10:39 PM

Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.

by First Time Authorreply 32February 23, 2021 10:44 PM

L.A. was too much for this man.

by First Time Authorreply 33February 23, 2021 10:50 PM

I love you, R29.

by First Time Authorreply 34February 23, 2021 11:02 PM

It wouldn’t be the first time that I had an awkwardly experience with an older girl at prom. However, it was the only time that I ended up being thrown into a school’s dumpster by my mother -soon after she gave birth to me on the night of her junior prom.

by First Time Authorreply 35February 23, 2021 11:08 PM

I was born at home and my mother immediately said "Take it away! And bring me another lover!"

by First Time Authorreply 36February 23, 2021 11:16 PM

It was a cold, October afternoon in 1992 at Highland Park Village in Dallas, when I walked into my destiny...

Offsite Link
by First Time Authorreply 37February 23, 2021 11:19 PM

I am born.

by First Time Authorreply 38February 23, 2021 11:22 PM

Im am three year old, sitting in my closet while rocking back and forth, trying to soothing myself.2

by First Time Authorreply 39February 23, 2021 11:47 PM

Call me a schlemiel.

by First Time Authorreply 40February 24, 2021 12:01 AM

How can a Barbie doll make me so happy and the world so cruel?

by First Time Authorreply 41February 24, 2021 12:06 AM

I said it was too big but, not for the last time in my young life, I was wrong.

by First Time Authorreply 42February 24, 2021 12:11 AM

Spawned in a ditch? Dulcinea had it easy.

by First Time Authorreply 43February 24, 2021 12:12 AM

I forget where I was born. Apparently I was preoccupied when it happened.

by First Time Authorreply 44February 24, 2021 12:13 AM

Mama tol me when I was born the ‘bilical cord got tied round my neck. It started choking me so much I turned blue. The doctor knew something was wrong. Since then I’ve liked blue. It saved my life.

by First Time Authorreply 45February 24, 2021 12:46 AM

Fucked on Castro Street. Fucked in life.

by First Time Authorreply 46February 24, 2021 1:12 AM

Mama always told folks she just went out back to take a shit and that when she saw me wrigglin' and a hollerin' on the ground she thought where on the Lord's good earth did that come from?

by First Time Authorreply 47February 24, 2021 1:34 AM

Introduction:

I have chosen to title this memoir [italic]Open All Night[/italic] for reasons which will become apparent in Chapter Two (“Young Adulthood”)

by First Time Authorreply 48February 24, 2021 1:59 AM

[quote] I have chosen to title this memoir Open All Night for reasons which will become apparent in Chapter Two (“Young Adulthood”)

I am more interested in Chapter One.

by First Time Authorreply 49February 24, 2021 2:18 AM

'I wasn't embarrassed that the townspeople snickered at me walking sideways through the streets for days after that night when Trent forcefully entered me."

by First Time Authorreply 50February 24, 2021 2:43 AM

My pussy stank.

by First Time Authorreply 51February 24, 2021 2:50 AM

I rose from the womb as if from the grave.

by First Time Authorreply 52February 24, 2021 3:21 AM

A girl in trouble is a temporary thing.

by First Time Authorreply 53February 24, 2021 3:41 AM

It was a dark and Stormy night.

by First Time Authorreply 54February 24, 2021 3:45 AM

The smell of my wet fart filled the room as he pulled his now soft tumescence out of my gaping, windy hole.

by First Time Authorreply 55February 24, 2021 3:49 AM

I had a farm in Africa, ..

by First Time Authorreply 56February 24, 2021 4:03 AM

The doctor recommended I up my dosage, but he neglected to advise me to wait until I returned home.

by First Time Authorreply 57February 24, 2021 4:08 AM

It was the first day of my life and the last day of my life.

by First Time Authorreply 58February 24, 2021 4:13 AM

If you are what you eat, I am a dirty cum rag.

by First Time Authorreply 59February 24, 2021 4:21 AM

I screamed "FUCK MACON " as I was savagely ripped from the warmth Of the Vagina .

by First Time Authorreply 60February 24, 2021 4:35 AM

It was the summer they assassinated Donald Trump, and every day was like Christmas, your birthday and the Fourth Of July all rolled into one.

by First Time Authorreply 61February 24, 2021 4:50 AM

People have always confused me for someone who gave a shit.

by First Time Authorreply 62February 24, 2021 4:53 AM

“I grew up five miles from Three Mile Island.”

by First Time Authorreply 63February 24, 2021 5:29 AM

This is the hardest I've laughed in a long time. That's not my opening line; just a statement of fact. More, more!

by First Time Authorreply 64February 24, 2021 5:40 AM

My mother knew I would be an overachiever who loved to brag and made arrangements for me to be platinum gay.

by First Time Authorreply 65February 24, 2021 5:52 AM

“I would have been much taller had my parents fucked other people, but it is what it is...”

by First Time Authorreply 66February 24, 2021 5:56 AM

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful; hate me because I’m a stuck up beyotch.

by First Time Authorreply 67February 24, 2021 6:06 AM

The funny thing was that I really didn't care for pineapple.

by First Time Authorreply 68February 24, 2021 8:56 AM

I was born to not know what a weekend is.

by First Time Authorreply 69February 24, 2021 11:09 AM

I fell out of my mother's vagina and landed in a pair of high heal shoes!!!

by First Time Authorreply 70February 24, 2021 4:41 PM

We just knew this tiniest of blossoms would flower into the fattest cockwhore our families would ever spawn.

by First Time Authorreply 71February 24, 2021 4:48 PM

He was a connoisseur of men.

by First Time Authorreply 72February 24, 2021 4:50 PM

“Hold my beer while I get my banjo”, wheezed Grandmother

by First Time Authorreply 73February 24, 2021 4:50 PM

His magnificent 14 inch penis belonged in a museum. Or me.

by First Time Authorreply 74February 24, 2021 5:15 PM

Joel, light of my life, fire of my loins.

by First Time Authorreply 75February 24, 2021 5:40 PM

I am an invisible bottom.

by First Time Authorreply 76February 24, 2021 5:43 PM

Call me Meghan McCain, co-host of "The View."

by First Time Authorreply 77February 24, 2021 5:53 PM

I crept up into the barn - I was so scared to look inside but I just had to.

by First Time Authorreply 78February 24, 2021 6:01 PM

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

by First Time Authorreply 79February 24, 2021 6:50 PM

After seeing Victor/Victoria, I figured out their secret.

by First Time Authorreply 80February 24, 2021 7:52 PM

"Every hero becomes a bore at last."

by First Time Authorreply 81February 24, 2021 7:57 PM

They dragged me out of Mommy’s womb at an ungodly hour of the morning and did not offer coffee.

by First Time Authorreply 82February 24, 2021 8:04 PM

From the moment I was born, I was the light of my father’s eyes.

by First Time Authorreply 83February 24, 2021 8:28 PM

Ball me Ishmael.

by First Time Authorreply 84February 24, 2021 8:34 PM

I was christened World Trade Center and I was an insatiable bottom!

by First Time Authorreply 85February 24, 2021 8:40 PM

I'd always thought of Fresno as a place never to be thought of, a portal to hell void of interesting demons, a dry heave more than a violent vomit and for the first time in my life I was correct.

by First Time Authorreply 86February 24, 2021 8:59 PM

I had willed my ugly face to turn pretty.

by First Time Authorreply 87February 24, 2021 9:03 PM

I didn't ask for the anal probe.

by First Time Authorreply 88February 24, 2021 11:27 PM

"So Your Honor, that's why I had to kill them ALL."

by First Time Authorreply 89February 25, 2021 2:37 AM

I farted myself awake and the dildo slipped out and rolled off the bed, hitting the floor with a rubbery thump.

by First Time Authorreply 90February 25, 2021 4:03 AM

*Excerpt

by First Time Authorreply 91February 25, 2021 4:05 AM

I was born a hung oriental...

by First Time Authorreply 92February 25, 2021 4:06 AM

She was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, that much is true.

by First Time Authorreply 93February 25, 2021 4:49 AM

I'm Yvonne and this is it!

Offsite Link
by First Time Authorreply 94February 25, 2021 5:22 AM

Early to rise, early to bed. In and between I cooked and cleaned and went out of my head.

by First Time Authorreply 95February 25, 2021 5:31 AM

R95 Next line: Badda de bing bing, yay a, hada hey ho hey hee.

by First Time Authorreply 96February 25, 2021 5:35 AM

Once upon a time....

by First Time Authorreply 97February 25, 2021 6:08 AM

I was conceived through IVF, delivered through cesarean section, and I'm gay. God did not intend me to go anywhere near vaginas.

by First Time Authorreply 98February 25, 2021 6:32 AM

R93 I hate-love that song, because it's so trashy and unmusical and British 1980s one-hit wonder.

by First Time Authorreply 99February 26, 2021 7:10 PM

"I sniffed Rebecca's underwear."

by First Time Authorreply 100February 26, 2021 8:05 PM

I came out of a vagina, why would I want to go back into one?

by First Time Authorreply 101February 26, 2021 8:12 PM

By the time I was 19, I fucked every tight bottom on the east side of the city, then I covered the west side. And they all came back for more....

by First Time Authorreply 102February 26, 2021 8:22 PM

The limo sped away as I lay tossed in the gutter, strung out in short short cutoffs as distressed as I was. Above me hung a chipped advertisement - [italic][bold]Fried Chicken![/bold] [/italic] How apt, I thought, and resolved to turn this train, by which I mean myself, around.

by First Time Authorreply 103February 26, 2021 9:47 PM

R99, I kinda dislike the song too, but it was the #1 song the week I was born and also because I was conceived because my mom was a cocktail waitress near the Navy base in the Philippines.

by First Time Authorreply 104February 27, 2021 10:50 PM

"I killed Jonbenet."

by First Time Authorreply 105February 28, 2021 4:01 PM
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