The First Line in Your Autobiography

"My face was so wet from pole-juice, I could barely light my ciggy."

"My first memory was a false fingernail sliding into my rectum."

I wasn't the son he wanted, and he wasn't the father I deserved.

“What’s that smell?” she said.

I was an exceptionally ordinary child.

"I always knew I'd be famous."

“What the hell are you doing with that carrot, son?” my father asked.

Chapter 1: I Am Torn From My Mother’s Womb

To begin my life with the beginning of my life, I record that I was torn from my mother’s womb (as I have been informed and believe) on a Friday, at twelve o'clock at night. It was remarked that the clock began to strike, and I began to cum, simultaneously. '

"I was born in a small town in Louisiana, known only for Ellen DeGeneres and David Duke".

It was the best of times, it was the blurst of times.

It was a dark and horny night.

I knew I was never going to be popular or special. I was quite ordinary really. Just one more face hidden in a crowd.

I was born a poor black child on the wrong side of town.

Excerpt from “Meghan Markle: Journey To The Palace.”

It was inevitable: the scent of poppers always reminded him of the fate of unrequited love.

I didn't want to suck that breast.

"JOEL! JOEL! JOEL!", I moaned, like a feral alley cat in heat; never spilling a drop of my mint julip!

Miss Gayloway said she would bring the fabulosity herself!

I was born in the wagon of a travelling show.

I was too young to die and too fat to be loved.

I got raped on a small town farm.

I WISH either my father or my mother, or indeed both of them, as they were in duty both equally bound to it, had minded what they were about when they begot me; had they duly consider’d how much depended upon what they were then doing;

I had to be cut from my mamma's belly; it seemed that pussy and me was not a good match.

You’ve got to climb to the top of Mount Everest to reach The Valley of the dolls.

“Sometimes a daisy sprouts from a dung heap.”

My First Grade teacher wrote on one of my report cards that I asked "Why?" too much.

On (date) a boy was born and that was a big mistake. A mistake, yes, the boy wished he was a girl. Thus starts the saga of...(name) into the cruel world.

“I was molested.”

"Last night I dreamt I went to Elmhurst, NJ, again."

I'd just link this

Who, what, when, where, why? Those are the questions that will be answered in this autobiography.

They didn’t call him Mr. Spatchcock for no reason...

Excerpt from If It’s Up, Then It’s Stuck: An Autobiography

Last night I dreamt I went to Manderley again.

L.A. was too much for this man.

I love you, R29.

It wouldn’t be the first time that I had an awkwardly experience with an older girl at prom. However, it was the only time that I ended up being thrown into a school’s dumpster by my mother -soon after she gave birth to me on the night of her junior prom.

I was born at home and my mother immediately said "Take it away! And bring me another lover!"

It was a cold, October afternoon in 1992 at Highland Park Village in Dallas, when I walked into my destiny...

I am born.

Im am three year old, sitting in my closet while rocking back and forth, trying to soothing myself.2

Call me a schlemiel.

How can a Barbie doll make me so happy and the world so cruel?

I said it was too big but, not for the last time in my young life, I was wrong.

Spawned in a ditch? Dulcinea had it easy.

I forget where I was born. Apparently I was preoccupied when it happened.

Mama tol me when I was born the ‘bilical cord got tied round my neck. It started choking me so much I turned blue. The doctor knew something was wrong. Since then I’ve liked blue. It saved my life.

Fucked on Castro Street. Fucked in life.

Mama always told folks she just went out back to take a shit and that when she saw me wrigglin' and a hollerin' on the ground she thought where on the Lord's good earth did that come from?

Introduction:

I have chosen to title this memoir [italic]Open All Night[/italic] for reasons which will become apparent in Chapter Two (“Young Adulthood”)

[quote] I have chosen to title this memoir Open All Night for reasons which will become apparent in Chapter Two (“Young Adulthood”)

I am more interested in Chapter One.

'I wasn't embarrassed that the townspeople snickered at me walking sideways through the streets for days after that night when Trent forcefully entered me."

My pussy stank.

I rose from the womb as if from the grave.

A girl in trouble is a temporary thing.

It was a dark and Stormy night.

The smell of my wet fart filled the room as he pulled his now soft tumescence out of my gaping, windy hole.

I had a farm in Africa, ..

The doctor recommended I up my dosage, but he neglected to advise me to wait until I returned home.

It was the first day of my life and the last day of my life.

If you are what you eat, I am a dirty cum rag.

I screamed "FUCK MACON " as I was savagely ripped from the warmth Of the Vagina .

It was the summer they assassinated Donald Trump, and every day was like Christmas, your birthday and the Fourth Of July all rolled into one.

People have always confused me for someone who gave a shit.

“I grew up five miles from Three Mile Island.”

This is the hardest I've laughed in a long time. That's not my opening line; just a statement of fact. More, more!

My mother knew I would be an overachiever who loved to brag and made arrangements for me to be platinum gay.

“I would have been much taller had my parents fucked other people, but it is what it is...”

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful; hate me because I’m a stuck up beyotch.

The funny thing was that I really didn't care for pineapple.

I was born to not know what a weekend is.

I fell out of my mother's vagina and landed in a pair of high heal shoes!!!

We just knew this tiniest of blossoms would flower into the fattest cockwhore our families would ever spawn.

He was a connoisseur of men.

“Hold my beer while I get my banjo”, wheezed Grandmother

His magnificent 14 inch penis belonged in a museum. Or me.

Joel, light of my life, fire of my loins.

I am an invisible bottom.

Call me Meghan McCain, co-host of "The View."

I crept up into the barn - I was so scared to look inside but I just had to.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

After seeing Victor/Victoria, I figured out their secret.

"Every hero becomes a bore at last."

They dragged me out of Mommy’s womb at an ungodly hour of the morning and did not offer coffee.

From the moment I was born, I was the light of my father’s eyes.

Ball me Ishmael.

I was christened World Trade Center and I was an insatiable bottom!

I'd always thought of Fresno as a place never to be thought of, a portal to hell void of interesting demons, a dry heave more than a violent vomit and for the first time in my life I was correct.

I had willed my ugly face to turn pretty.

I didn't ask for the anal probe.

"So Your Honor, that's why I had to kill them ALL."

I farted myself awake and the dildo slipped out and rolled off the bed, hitting the floor with a rubbery thump.

*Excerpt

I was born a hung oriental...

She was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, that much is true.

I'm Yvonne and this is it!

Early to rise, early to bed. In and between I cooked and cleaned and went out of my head.

R95 Next line: Badda de bing bing, yay a, hada hey ho hey hee.

Once upon a time....

I was conceived through IVF, delivered through cesarean section, and I'm gay. God did not intend me to go anywhere near vaginas.

R93 I hate-love that song, because it's so trashy and unmusical and British 1980s one-hit wonder.

"I sniffed Rebecca's underwear."

I came out of a vagina, why would I want to go back into one?

By the time I was 19, I fucked every tight bottom on the east side of the city, then I covered the west side. And they all came back for more....

The limo sped away as I lay tossed in the gutter, strung out in short short cutoffs as distressed as I was. Above me hung a chipped advertisement - [italic][bold]Fried Chicken![/bold] [/italic] How apt, I thought, and resolved to turn this train, by which I mean myself, around.

R99, I kinda dislike the song too, but it was the #1 song the week I was born and also because I was conceived because my mom was a cocktail waitress near the Navy base in the Philippines.

"I killed Jonbenet."