Lets Be Onboarding/New Employee Orientation

I'm the onboarding packet that each new hire receives and commits to reading later this week. I languish, unread, until new hires quit and clean their offices out.

We're the 473 new pronouns you will learn, use, and validate or be fired and publicly shamed just like the Good Old Days of Chairman Mao.

I am the conference room that keeps the new hires quarantined from the general workers, who have been laid off with a month's notice. The new hires were hired at 1/2 the rate of the outgoing employees, and with "a la carte, bespoke wellness assistance" instead of medical insurance.

I’m the web-based training modules telling you not to jump your co-workers, embezzle money or Google “fisting pig bottoms” on your work laptop during your lunch break.

I'm the word "onboarding." Please kick the shit out of me.

I’m the pursed lips and elevator eyes that the head of HR, the company’s alpha Karen, gives the new hires as she collects their I-9 forms. “Don’t fuck with me, fellas,” her demeanor tells them, “this ain’t my first time at an employee onboarding.”

I’m cinch bags with the company logo, created especially for you new employees! Aren’t you lucky to have me? Mmmm, feel that smooth drawstring action.

I’m the tired “let’s go around the room and tell us your name and tell us a little bit about yourself.” I’m pointless because everyone is already so overwhelmed that there’s no way in hell I’m going to remember what anyone says.

I’m one of the many stupid team building activities you will take part in this week. For this one, you will each choose one of the pictures on the table and then stand up and tell everyone what made you choose that picture, as if there is some deep meaning behind it.

"I'm the 25 yr retiree that has same "onboard date" as well as "retirement party" date as me!

I’m the free lunch from the cafeteria on the first day of onboarding. The rest of the week you’re on your own though.

[quote]I'm the word "onboarding." Please kick the shit out of me.

^^^^This.

Where does HR come up with these stupid ass terms?

I’m the paperwork from payroll that ensures you don’t have any problems getting paid. I’ll be the first thing completed—without a single error—but I promise I will get lost repeatedly so you can experience pay issues for at least a few pay periods.

I'm "Tell me your preferred pronouns" said through the gritted teeth of the HR rep who only took down her TRUMP/PENCE lawn sign a couple of weeks ago.

You might want to think about how you answer that question, Toots.

I’m the cheery, longtime employee who encourages you to let me know anytime you have questions or need help. I promise to bite off your fucking head the first time you even think of taking me up on my offer.

I'm the one-way video interview that gives you a 60-second limit to answer 15 questions with two "takes" in case you screw up the first time. You will lose your train of thought on the second take of at least half of these, but force yourself to push through the word vomit with something like "Argh! I feel like I'm just throwing things out there! But, what I'm trying to say is, in the end, because of that confidence, that is what causes me to think outside the box and take high risks, in the sense that I love perfectionism, but not too much so that it gets in the way? I hope that makes —"