Let's be The Great British Bake-off!

I am a thin, crisp pastry crust and I am scrummy!

I'm rose water. I'm the secret ingredient everybody uses.

I'm Mary Berry's distracting dentures. I know she's 86, but good heavens.

I am Paul Hollywood's sexy strong muscles.

I’m the repressed sleazy sexuality of Henry A Bird.

I'm all the gay guys fucking at the hotel.

I'm the heat wave during chocolate week.

I’m the tweeness.

I’m the soggy bottom!

I'm the weird eye contact when Paul Hollywood does the honor of shaking a contestant's hand.

We're Mel and Sue, and we remain the best hosts this show ever had.

[quote]I'm crème pâtissière.

And I'm mispronounced as "crème pâtisserie" by 90% of the bakers.

I am the details of a baker's personal relationship that are meant to be heartwarming, but instead are just creepy.

I'm Noel's annoying silly voice he uses every. single. time. he says "Bake!".

I'm the desperate attempt of making British cooking look good. My name? CORNWALL!

You know in theatre, you are not allowed to utter the famed Shakespeare play, or you put a curse on the entire production?

On The Great British Bake-Off you put a curse on the entire series if you don't mention my name at least once in each episode.

Usually they come around that by casting someone from the area and casually mention where he's from whenever he (or she) is on screen.

We're Prue's collection of made-for-HD wacky eyeglasses in blinding primary colors.

We're passion fruit and pistachio. We're featured in at least one signature challenge and show-stopper in every single episode.

I'm the happy sheep scampering in a nearby meadow.

I'm mango and coconut. I'm hip and tropical, but also rather overused.

I'm the stodgy sponge.

I'm the one wonky oven that never heats up correctly, thus ruining the chances of at least one competitor whose show stopper went perfectly at home.

I'm Paul Hollywood's handshake. I used to be given out sparingly but am now bestowed so often that I've basically lost all meaning.

I'm the fake tears of the woman who "accidentally" knocked another competitor's signature challenge on the floor.

I'm ... SQUIRREL COCK!

I'm Victoria Sponge, the sassy drag persona of the season's designated gay baker.

I'm the delicious chocolate and raspberry cake in the credits, which is missing a raspberry.

I'm the soggy bottom.

Reading the link at R24, I had no idea about Prue's senior moment where she spoiled the winner on Twitter four years ago (I only started watching this past season). Did she catch a lot of shit for that?

I'm the asshole producers who don't air condition a tent in summer when it's 90+F in it. AND we like watching the contestants be expected to make ice cream desserts in the heat. And whipped cream delights that stand five feet tall.

PLUS I don't give people long enough to bake the products properly.

I'm the Waitrose supermarket that bucktoothed Frances Quinn got banned from for being a sticky fingers.

I'm Hollywoods neck waddle and love handles pouring out of his too-tight jeans.

Rather like dumping overfilling cake pan and watching it pop and run over the edge as it browns.

I'm also Hollywoods manner with banging out some dough, which shows the world I cum in 30 seconds and don't care who else may or may not be involved.

I'm the biscuit with the good snap!

I'm Gluten. I show up when the dough is overworked by the pervy and unprofessional contestants.

I’m the disgust on Mary Berry’s face when hemp or matcha are used

I wanted to be the soggy bottom!

I’m the overwrought ,ditzy grandma contestant that limps to the halfway mark of the season, making homespun crap. I’m a fan favorite in spite of my amateur skills.

[quote]I'm Hollywoods neck waddle

Oh, dear.

I’m dutifully watching the show after the last cute guy has been sent home.

How about an all-star season so we can have more Henry Bird?

I’m your choux pastry. I may not rise as much as you expected, and I may come out with unfortunate, unsightly bulges.

[quote]I may come out with unfortunate, unsightly bulges.

Kinda like Paul's gut when he doesn't wear his man-Spanx!

I’m the flavour combination Paul didn’t think would work.

I’m Paul’s “I don’t like it. [pause, eye glint] I love it” trick. I get played once a season.

I'm the British politesse that restrains contestants from telling Noel to GET OUT OF MY FUCKING FACE WITH YOUR CORNY-ASS JOKES WHILE I'M TRYING TO WORK.

I'm peanut butter and pumpkin, ingredients that the British judges do not appreciate.

[quote]I'm Victoria Sponge, the sassy drag persona of the season's designated gay baker.

I'm your new opening act, drag king Marquee Mark.

I'm Matt Lucas, here to bring absolutely nothing to the show.

I'm the high temperature inside the tent. I will destroy all sensitive desserts.

I’m under-proved.

I’m the delightful muggy weather that shows up on the day when contestants need to work with meringue.

R47 I dislike him tremendously!

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I'm a soggy bottom.

We're the terms that confuse Americans, like bicarb, fan, pudding used to describe anything other than a custard, strong wheat flour, hot-water pastry, suet dough, rough puff, traybakes, fairy cakes, treacle, grill (when used to mean broil), Battenberg cake, entremet, cling film, kitchen paper, baps, swiss rolls, Chelsea buns, Bath buns, Stork, Victoria sponge, blitz, muscovado sugar, single and double cream, caster sugar, sultanas, demerara sugar, digestive biscuits, etc.

I'm a SMEG fridge, incognito.

I’m “Nature’s Carpet”, the showstopper on lesbian week. I am a 4 level cake that must feature 8 grains and nuts. And I must be decorated as your favorite style of rug or carpet. Bonus points if you can credibly include anchovy paste in your icing.

I'm a completely unappetizing savory concoction, usually involving sage.

I'm slightly doolally.

Please welcome to the stage: CHELSEA BUNNS

r12, Crem Pat you twit.

I'm the "rough puff' that has to be made because the filming requirements do not allow for a proper puff paste.

I am the technical, and I have no impact on the results.

I'm a great big Iechyd da for everyone back home in Wales.

I'm asked to leave this week.

My true reaction was "Fuck you all! Paul is a conceited, diabetic cunt, and Mary is a demented gimp whose teeth fall out when she bites into bread!"

They paid me to say the nice sentimental things about how great the experience was.

I'm self-deprecation and humility. I am a part of every contestant...except that overbearing old queen in the season where he, James from Scotland, and John, the winner, competed.

r59 You've really never heard them say "crème pâtisserie"?

We're Peter's rosy cheeks, Dave's crazy eyes, and Henry's wonky toof.

I'm Sandi's cheerfully butch demeanor.

I'm the tray bake with a bit of drizzle that needs cling film to stay moist without going soggy.

R53 forgot what I first heard as “plated” bread. Actually “plaited.” I suppose we’d say “braided”

R37

The very first winner was a grandma.

I'm the good sportsmanship shown by the losers which is rarely seen on American shows

Henry seems quite posh. Best Boy at his ancient school. His American equivalent would never have a wonky tooth.

I'm the pained rictuses (ricti?) on the faces of the contestants as they wait for Noel and Matt to end their stupid banter and say "On your marks," etc.

I’m the extract of whatever flavor the contestant is trying to achieve. In order to avoid the dreaded “I’m not getting [said flavor]” the contestant will be tempted to add a few drops of me. The judges will say I make the bake taste “artificial.” Especially if I’m banana.

The plural of “rictus” is actually “rictus.” Or “rictuses”, if you’re insecure.

I'm the infinitely superior cast of the first seven series, that aside from the really cute male contestants, actually made the show enjoyable.

[quote] "that aside from the really cute male contestants, actually made the show enjoyable."

Oh, dear.

Excuse me. I meant "ALONG WITH the really cute male contestants, actually made the show enjoyable."

I'm the cute little girl in the opening credits. The person writing this has to look away from me when watching.

We're caster sugar, strong white flour, and treacle. Most Americans have no idea what we are.

I’m the dreaded “stodgy.”

Hello, I'm passion fruit... and I'm overused.

I’m the presenter tasked with the unfortunate duty of revealing whom we are sadly not going to be able to rake with us next week. It’s a terribly difficult task. I really don’t like it. No, really.

I'm the gallons of Fabreeze spritzed on yesterday's clothes.

I'm the delicate génoise, truly annoyed when daft Brits refer to me as "genno-eece". 🙄

I'm the raised-game pie stuffed to overflowing with assorted meat. I don't really belong on this show, but I keep appearing.

I wish I were a cupcake.

"Genoese" is another name for the same cake. It's actually a valid English spelling.

No, it isn't R85.

I’m “a good bake.”

If I’m on a pie crust the judges turn me over and scrape me with a knife. If I’m on a bread, they thump me.

It hurts!

I’m the blood... and the insistence we go on.

[quote]I'm the cute little girl in the opening credits.

Who is 37 now...

I’m the refreshing disinterest in snowflakes. You’re a vegetarian? Enjoy beef pastry week! Missing part of a hand? Too bad it’s braided bread day!

I'm Noel's godawful oversized "hip" sweaters.

I love that show

Other than on that "Derry Girls" special episode, do they ever have bakers from Northern Ireland? It seems like everyone is from England, Wales, or Scotland.

I'm John Whaite's buns.

I’ve revealed my ‘showstopper’ on the gingham altar. And it’s a right Bobby dazzler, to speak in terms of the vernacular peasantry.

I am also John Whaite's cute buns.

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

I’m the dishes the judges refuse to taste because they’re raw.

And the inevitable last place item in the technical challenge that looks like it was assembled by a blindfolded five-year-old.

I'm the melted Baked Alaska retrieved from the garbage and the well made and delicious stolen custard sauce that sit in the GBBO Hall of Attempted Sabotage and Cheating.

Echoes of fake crying and "Oh, dear, I'm so sorry, it wasn't on purpose!!" reverberate throughout the Hall.

I’m Noels pee colored teeth.

Pee? They look like baked beans.

R96–wtf?

I’m the music that comes in at the end of the showstopper.

I'm a rough-puff pastry, bitches.

Noah's stupid sweaters/jumpers were always over the top. But i liked seeing what he would roll out next, to be honest. and i love that they always do a meat pie series because we in the states are all vegan/vegetarian. i'm fine with being vegan/veg but typical UK food includes meat pies. it's interesting to see different culture food (US here). i've never had a meat pie. just like i've never had spotted dick or Eton Mess or any other things i never heard of until i started watching this.

Sadly, I gave had a spotted dick.

r106 is it like canned bread with raisins?

I am the deep fryer that will fuck up one of the contestants. No one has one at home, so when they use me in the show it's an all new experience. For one reason or another, I will not reach the proper temperature and the doughnut, samosa or whatever will turn out greasy and pale.

A smart contestant will just fry in a deep pan like she does at home.

I’m going to forget something. It might be an ingredient. It might be to remove something from the oven. But I’m going to forget.

I'm the enraged homosexual fans if the new season doesn't have at least 4 hot men on it, at least 3 of them gay or gay-ish

I'm the sad fact that the show is starting to feel repetitive after 11 seasons.

I'm the....

.....adorable young teen baker, either male or female, that nice audience members will adore and horny ones will lust after.

.....kooky or strange senior baker, preferably Scottish or Northern English with an adorable accent, who will charm/terrify until they get the boot 3 episodes after they should have actually left the tent.

....sexy younger woman that Paul obviously fancies.

....sexy younger man that the gay fans fancy only to be crushed when they find out they're straight.

....talented baker who either chokes in the semi-finals or actually during the finals so a less talented baker takes their spot or actually wins.

Every series has us!

I'm the phlegm dangling from Prue Leith's tonsils.

You can hear me vibrating on her uvula as she wheezes "Oh, it's scrummy".

I'm Paul Hollwood's beard!

[quote]Other than on that "Derry Girls" special episode, do they ever have bakers from Northern Ireland? It seems like everyone is from England, Wales, or Scotland.

Mark Lutton, the bearish guy with the great hair from this past season, is Northern Irish.

Ye've all forgotten Irish Iain, too?

I'm the wise acre viewer who doesn't know it is Mary and not Pru who exclaims "Scrummy!"

I'm Paul Kelly, here to tell R93 that Ireland only has about 20 good bakers and we used them all on The Great Irish Bake Off.

I’m more style than substance and have been accused of being not worth the calories.

I'm Mary's pronunciation of " layers" as " lairs."

I'm the shitty little ovens built into the bakers' work tables. Once my door even fell off during a contestant's bake.

I'm too small to comfortably accommodate everything they have to do. The time constraints are bad, but I, the shitty little oven, can really bring them to their knees.

Must it really be in a tent?

I'm "Bakers, you have TEN SECONDS!"

I'm the dramatic editing that makes it look like someone decorated an entire cake in TEN! SECONDS!

I'm Paul Hollywood's 10 layer ego cake.

R86:

[quote] What Makes a Genoise and (sic) Genoise? -- A genoise cake, also known as Genovese or Genoese (named after the Italian city of Genoa), is especially common in Italian and French cuisine.

Common sense would tell you that, being the adjectival form of the city name, it's equivalent in French (Genoise) or English (Genoese).

Common sense should also tell you the words cited are obsolete, R125. Jeebus.

"obsolete"?

So who is everyone's favorite gay contestant? Mine is John Whaite (especially liked his camaraderie with straight fellow contestant James), but Steven Carter-Bailey was the hottest so far.

Obsolete. As in "no longer in popular use". If you review the article cited, and just about every other article mentioning the obsolete terms, they refer to "génoise" or "genoise".

Response R129 for nitwit R127...

I'm the constant put-downs aimed at Paul by Matt, Noel, Mel, and Sue because Paul is HAWT

We’re the furrowed brows and perplexed expressions on the contestants’ faces when the obscure European pastry they must bake in the technical is announced.

"So who is everyone's favorite gay contestant?"

John Whaite is the only one I know who has had his cock photo posted online. I was strangely attracted to Andrew Smyth.

Tamal was the hottest gay contestant. AND a doctor.

Steven Carter-Bailey was the one who hooked up with Russell Tovey--right?

What is it with gays and baking?

I'm the cute little hopeful watercolor paintings of what the actual final product never looks like.

I'm the unnecessary opening "bit" preceding the hosts' announcements of that week's theme. I could be removed and I doubt anyone would miss me.

I'm the Converse All-Stars that half the contestants seem to wear.

I’m the constant metaphor of “balance.” Too much of an ingredient or process will ruin your bake one way, but too little will ruin it in another. Can you find the point of equilibrium?

I think DAVID the fit health care provider who won the season before last is the best gay contestant. He was so reserved or shy and calm and organized and also handsome. He had a questionable trim to his hair that was too short on the sides, but hairstyles grow and can change, otherwise he was quite lovely.

Going on Bake-Off ruined John Whaite's life. Without it, he'd be a lawyer with a nice career, a flat in London, and an equally successful partner. No bum pics or dick pics online.

Well, nobody bloody forced him to do it, did they?

Is he not a lawyer?

I'm Uncle Roger ripping to shreds the fake Japanese week.

I'm Paul squishing the center of a piece of bread or cake before proclaiming it gummy or underbaked or underproofed or "basically raw."