Straight men are starved for friendship

As someone who has had a lot of straight friends this is true. I think they appreciate that they can open up a bit more to me than with other straight guys. Often straight guys aren't the best at having conversations about their feelings.

I’m amazed at how OP thinks one experience with a particular straight dudes is indicative of billions of people. Such a simpleton way of thinking.

R2 has no friends

If you ask simple questions about how a straight guy’s family is or where he grew up, within moments you can get them into your bed

I’ve noticed that too and when another guy (or woman) joins the conversation, their demeanour and tone of voice immediately switches to bro-mode.

[quote]I’m amazed at how OP thinks one experience with a particular straight dudes is indicative of billions of people. Such a simpleton way of thinking.

It's almost like he's a DLer making comments about gay men.

I was going to post the exact same thing R2

That sort of thinking is all too common on Datalounge, as is the converse "I know someone who is the exception, so that negates the thousands of other examples"

100% accurate, OP.

I was too R7 and R2.

There are a lot of very basic low IQ types here at DL as OP has amply demonstrated.

My straight sponsor in AA just loves me and is "vicariously gay" thru my tales! He got so of excited that i had an erotic dream with him in it. 30 years ago we would have tried something, I'll bet. He and his girlfriends fuck 3-4 times per day and they are mid 60's! Horn dogs!

R2, isn’t that true for every single comment on DL? It’s our personal experience and opinion.

It’s not like we’re surveying the world before posting here

R9, yep, it’s a sign of low intellect to make sweeping generalizations about large groups of people. The speaker comes across as dim when they make such broad generalizations

Smooth, r12...

Straight men think everything is gay. Talking about their feelings is gay. Attending to basic hygiene is gay. Showing interest in anything besides porn and video games is gay. Practicing basic life skills - cooking, cleaning - is gay. So it stands to reason that with a gay man, the fear of teh gay lessens because...he's gay. He won't judge.

This is a ludicrous assertion. Straight men prioritise their buddies and are encouraged to stick together in a pack/squad. Even the married herself ones have sacred ‘mens’ night’, or frequent outings and activities for which they always leave their wives at home.

It’s straight women who have comparatively few deep intimate friendships. Yes, invariably they do have one or two other women in their life who are as close as sisters, and they travel in gaggles that seem unassailable, but the bulk of their group if they have one will be replete with fakes, snakes, and fair-weathers, or women who just have no-one else to be with.

Friendship for pity, gain, power-plays and face-saving is endemic among straight women. The socialisation of women in general sadly leads to relationships predicated on mutual use, convenience, and one-upmanship. There’s a reason most women arent easily exploited by the military ‘band of brothers’ idea

Lesbians are another story, but then that’s adding sex & romance into the mix which complicates matters. Many lesbians also have extremely small inner circles and too many shallow connections, especially the U-haulers.

OP means anglo straights. Obviously Italian-American straights are not like this.

Why are straight me so stupid?

Many straight men are socially awkward. They have social anxiety because they obeyed society's orders to suppress their feelings. They never learned to relate to other men beyond the adolescent, sarcastic mom-joke and crude locker room talk stage. So when those topics get too childish, they stop talking to other men altogether. They latch onto a woman, and that woman becomes their only social outlet (aside from a few family members). In some cases, a female partner is all too glad for a male partner to have no other friends that could distract his attention from her. Then they pump out a few kids, and they groom those kids to eventually be their friends. I know so many families where the father went to work, came home, and never socialized with anyone but family. Even talking to neighbors was awkward if the conversation topics veered beyond cars and barbecuing.

I agree with OP, although is presentation of the case is not terrific. But many studies vindicate his thesis: straight men seldom have many good friends - it's not a priority for them, whereas marriage, status, and money are.

My straight male friends are mostly fascinated with my life. How I have sex, how men have sex with each other. How often, how I meet them. Usually they will then talk about their lives, thier wives and gfs, things they can't tell them.

Straight men should be worshipped. Their cocks are so hot

Maybe OP's experience is a generalization, but I've had the same thing happen with certain (not all) straight men in my life. When we are either paired up in a social or work situation, they will tend to open up to me in a way that they won't open to anyone else. Maybe it's because, as other posters have said, that they are conditioned by society to repress their feelings, so talking to me is sort of an outlet where they can let things out. I'm not their bro and I'm not their girlfriend, so they feel they can say things to me without fear of judgement about being too much of a pussy or coming across as too weak. I wouldn't say that makes our bonds "super close" (I personally don't have a ton of "close friends" myself), but it may account for why they act so differently around me than other people, especially without other people around us.

[quote] Straight men should be worshipped. Their cocks are so hot

And their seed celebrated and swallowed

I had this experience with the first straight guy I befriended after coming out of the closet my freshman year in college. It ended up being a very one-sided relationship where he emotionally drained on me, but the moment I had problems, he ghosted me. Oh, and spread a rumor that I confessed that I was in loved with him, and that's why he stopped speaking to me. He actually stopped speaking to me when I told him I had been abused as a child.

OP, this is actually a well studied subject and some believe it's one of the reasons why male mental health is significantly worse than female mental health.

Joel, my neighbor’s son, considers me and Mitzi, my Lhasa Apso, to be his closest confidants.

my best friend was straight and married; he had a lot of gay friends. I thought it was odd.

Even odder, was that I didn't develop one my stupid crushes on him.

He checked all the boxes and I didn't get that crush; I could never figure out why.

Then, he killed himself one night....I'll never make sense of it. Mental health is horrific.

I get that we're all entitled his feelings, but one of his friends writes about him like he's the widower.

I don't think I'll ever have another friend who accepted me like he did. I miss him.

Straight men will talk shit about gay men the second you're not around. Don't trust them.

If married, a straight man is not allowed to have friends his wife does not approve of. She rarely approves anyone except her best girlfriend's husband, equally pussy-whipped. The girlfriend-bride-to-be tones this right down so her bf can have his nights out with the boys, until the stagnight; the stagnight is the last such event ever.

It's amazing how many of these wives are not confident in their husband's sexual orientation. Like ALL of them.

R28, and we talk about straight men...here, for example.

R29, you have a point, too.

One time, my straight buddy and I went to a work thing together and after it was over, we joined his wife and her BFF at a bar and it was like we were interrupting something.

It was like "Oh, you're here." (In that way Will Truman would say, "Oh, [italic] Leo [italic] ."

I'm sure MOST of this was me but I felt...'tolerated' on some level.

I can't imagine what it would have been like for me if I'd been in love with him. I did love him, though. A lot.

One needs to be careful. Many times after a straight man shares his feelings, he will feel weak and exposed and would try to do 'damage control', usually with tragic consequences. Unfortunately most straight men have murderous tendencies. If a straight man is opening up to you (but just not his hole) RUN!

crap; forgot to close the [/italic] italic.

[quote]It’s straight women who have comparatively few deep intimate friendships. Yes, invariably they do have one or two other women in their life who are as close as sisters, and they travel in gaggles that seem unassailable, but the bulk of their group if they have one will be replete with fakes, snakes, and fair-weathers, or women who just have no-one else to be with.

This is my impression of most gay men. Most straight men are closed off emotionally and have emotionally isolated lives. Most women (gay or straight) can open up much more emotionally and form strong bonds.

I have three very close straight male friends. In each case, I am their best friend. I often wonder if it's because their straight male friends are just their sports and drinking buddies -- I know that all three do not open up to their buds the way they do to me.

But I also wonder, in dark modes, if it's also because they don't consider me competition in the world. I'm off to the side, a gay man, not competing for what they're competing for. And so they can be vulnerable to me because it doesn't take away their game.

[quote]and we talk about straight men...here, for example.

Yeah, but they're put on a pedestal. Seems like most DLers ascribe every negative quality that they perceive in themselves to all other gay men. But that isn't news.

It's "olds".

When asked, straight married men say their closest emotional bond is with their wife. Straight married women say their closest emotional bond is with their best girlfriend. More than not, straight men marry soon after being divorced. Many women prefer to stay single, or not rush into another marriage.

Straight men are needy for that emotional connection they can't or won't let themselves have with other men.

If we're being honest, a lot of people don't know how to properly socialize. I've known people who spent years (decades even) with the same friend groups until, one day, the shit hits the fan and most of these "friends" are nowhere to be found.

Most people have a handful of true, close friends throughout their life and that's all you really ever need anyway. The surface level friendships are basically worthless in the end. They won't be there when you need them and they'll discard you if you dare steer the conversation to something interesting and meaningful. My mother had a lot of church friends like this. All smiles, hugs, and waves on Sunday, but they weren't there for her when my dad died or she lost her job. I keep trying to tell her to stop thinking of some of these dumb asses as her friends, but she's pushing 70 and still won't listen.

A rule of thumb is that if you feel like you can't be yourself or have to avoid certain topics when you're around them, they're not a friend.

OP must have a well-paying job. And isn't that always what people ask you within minutes of meeting you: "What do you do?"?

If you make lots of money you have friends everywhere. And love; people want to love you.

OP has one straight male friend and thinks she knows all straight men by heart.

The Dunning-Kruger Effect , much?

[quote]If you make lots of money you have friends everywhere. And love; people want to love you.

More so if you're very good-looking.

[qoute] "What do you do?"

Such an impertinent question. Professionally? In bed? In the bathroom?

These days my normal response is, "As little as possible; and you?"

Straight men are lonely because they have no interior life.

Maybe if straight guys weren’t such horrible people, on the whole, they’d be able to make friends. Straight men are defective.

Straight men squash their sense of empathy. There are very limited topics of conversation they feel comfortable talking about openly: Their kids, their accomplishments, Glory Days, Work, Sports, Women, Politics, Homophobic insults, Anti-women/slut jokes, Superheros, Negative commentary in general

I've never had a straight man want to be my friend. They rarely speak to me, and when they do they clear their throat and talk really loud- lest anyone think we are whispering gay things to each other.

When I enter a room, it's not long before the one or more straight guys up and leave (and no I don't lisp or wear a feather boa). You don't want to be suspected of consorting with homosexuals.

It's possible they are 'lonely'. But with so many straight men in the world- an instant brotherhood of like-minded people to choose from wherever you go- how is that possible?

Generally, people will only want to know you if you have something to offer them. And LGBTQ people are considered low on the totem pole, unlikely to have power or status in the world. More a liability than an asset.

[quote] A female partner is all too glad for a male partner to have no other friends that could distract his attention from her. Then they pump out a few kids, and they groom those kids to eventually be their friends. I know so many families where the father went to work, came home, and never socialized with anyone but family. Even talking to neighbors was awkward if the conversation topics veered beyond cars and barbecuing.

Too real🙈🙈🙈🙈

That basically describes my dad. He is borderline autistic (turns out that is inheritable, thanks a lot Daddy), hates all the neighbours, has no social life (and hasn’t since about the time me and my sister were in grade school), and clings to my mother (which she perversely enjoys even though she won’t admit it). He is also estranged from his eight (!) siblings and his parents have been dead for two decades, so he really has a tiny circle. He does have one longterm friend, a guy he used to work with at a job they both despised about 15 years ago, and now they’re both longterm unemployed schlubs they only keep in contact by phone calls every couple of months. Those calls are so funny: they spend a couple of hours talking soccer, roasting each other and everyone they know, then they hang up having said nothing of worth.

Still, I can’t criticise him. According to OP premise, as a woman under thirty-five I should have tons of female friends I'm close to and trust as well as a gay bff and a man...which, yeah, no (by choice on the latter two counts). This assumption that all women are socially adept, flush with friends, and find it easy to navigate relationships is troubling. The women who do struggle fall through society’s cracks entirely because of this assumption.

It amazes me how many straight men in their 30-50s are single and complain about how hard dating is. Even I could hook up with a semi-decent looking woman every week if I wanted to.

[quote]Generally, people will only want to know you if you have something to offer them. And LGBTQ people are considered low on the totem pole, unlikely to have power or status in the world.

Plenty do though, but they're private. They're not posting selfies on Instagram...same with all really powerful men str8 or gay. They sure as hell aren't going for the job of President of the USA or Prime Minister of Great Britain, are they?

“Generally, people will only want to know you if you have something to offer them”

Where do people come up with this bullshit nonsense? “Oh look everybody, I’m so wise and cynical, I am jaded by the world due to my extensive experience and knowledge”

Give me a break. You people need to venture outside of internet everyone in a while. Get out of the cell phone ghettos where you just repeat memes that you see other people post but you have no idea what you’re talking about.

It’s the 21st century version wallowing in one’s own filth.

I've had several straight friends, and I've fucked each and every one of them.

One guy, a dark chocolate former college football player, had such a thick dick, he made me moan like Mae West!

Hot r51.

I don't know that I'd say they're starved for friendship—that certainly doesn't seem to be the case for my closest straight guy friends. The same model I have in my own life seems to apply—close to family, a few close longtime friends, with a wider range of work friends and peripheral friendly acquaintances.

Of course, I've only added one new friend to my close circle in the past decade. In that case we'd been friendly neighbors for several years, gradually became better friends over time as we talked more (and other neighbors moved in and out), and seemed to really bond well once I opened up about being gay, which served as a gesture of trust that opened the door for deeper conversations about family and life.

R28, That's right, interesting how they are never burdened with the moniker of being gossips or bitchy (that seems to be reserved for gay men and women) yet they do more of it than any other demographic.

[quote]OP means anglo straights. Obviously Italian-American straights are not like this.

It all seems very American to me. I'm used to circles of friends that are more mixed, men and women, and gay and straight, without token gay (or straight) sidekicks and with an easiness of moving from a mixed male and female group to an all male group with fairly subtle changes to the the dynamic.

One of my best friends is straight as possibly can be. Major college football player, part-time coach. Complete man's man. We talk all the time, and he even said that he tells me things his family does not know. He is a great friend and when driving he will point out guys that I may like and kids around with me all the time. He would help me in a jam, and me him.

I had a job where I would go to different sites of work and different people would be nice enough to drive me home.

On many of these rides, straight guys would divulge their entire lives to me just because I was willing to listen. One guy told me that his wife was doing coke. Another one told me he was having an affair. These are men I barely knew.

And yet, just like that, they knew how to turn off the connection

[quote]It amazes me how many straight men in their 30-50s are single and complain about how hard dating is. Even I could hook up with a semi-decent looking woman every week if I wanted to.

This is the story of my life. I've had so many straight friends and acquaintances tell me how hard it is to meet and date women that I've gotten to the point of just trying to acknowledge it and change to topic. Years ago, I was travelling with a close work friend, who was complaining of this after seeing me chat up a woman at our hotel bar, asking me how I seem to so easily make these connections. I told him that it was a combination of simply treating them like human beings and not caring that they were interested. He didn't get it. How many times can you explain that if you get caught staring at their tits in the first 30 seconds, they're not going to hang around? And forget trying to tell them they can't come on to women at a full 10 on a scale of 1 to 10? Just show a little interest. Be polite. Look at their eyes. Let them make the first move. Is this so hard?

R58, let’s stop pretending we don’t objectify men just as they do women. It’s just as hard for us to have a conversation with another gay guy without wondering if he’s good in bed.

LOL, R58, you nailed it. It goes back to the social skills thing, young straight guys - none.

"And forget trying to tell them they can't come on to women at a full 10 on a scale of 1 to 10?"

This particularly applies to older straight guys, usually the ones with little to no social life. All men want younger sexy babes, but if you don't have a bankroll, forget it. If you're older, have average looks and average money, no fucking chance! It's like they want sex with a hot woman (then hire an expensive hooker), but really want a partner and have no clue of how to go about it.

I've worked in a lot of office settings. My observation is that straight men (or straight-presenting men) want to create a work clique of other straight men. It's not enough to be just straight, though. You also have to be married (to a woman) and have at least one child.

[quote]Straight men think everything is gay. Talking about their feelings is gay. Attending to basic hygiene is gay. Showing interest in anything besides porn and video games is gay. Practicing basic life skills - cooking, cleaning - is gay. So it stands to reason that with a gay man, the fear of teh gay lessens because...he's gay. He won't judge.

What the fuck is this nonsense? (Nevermind the crazy two concluding sentences.)

Straight men think a lot less about what's gay and what's not gay than R14 thinks. When I talk about my feelings, when I hose down my ass crack or armpits or dry my toes off with a towel, when I cook a dinner, or clean the dust from under my sofa, when I do anything at all in fact, I don't think: Now how would a straight man do this? And I'm in the gay minority. What makes you think that straight men with the numbers-make-right luck of the majority pause many times a day and think, "Now is this too gay, the way I'm washing my foreskin? I'm not Hoovering under the sofa like a gay man, am I? Do I grip the steering wheel like a gay?"

[quote]My observation is that straight men (or straight-presenting men) want to create a work clique of other straight men. It's not enough to be just straight, though. You also have to be married (to a woman) and have at least one child.

That's just a case of Misery Loves Company. Straight women do it. Gay and lesbian couples do it. And old friends get cast aside so that they can do. They reject potential new friends because they don't have the right milestones in common, because "they won't understand," because they will probably turn up their faces, however involuntarily, when the talk turns to marriage plans or changing shitty diapers or school admissions or "with my salary so much higher than X's, it doesn't really make sense for X to work with all the commuting costs and the dog/baby sitters, and the...", or whether to adopt another baby or rescue dog or take a table at the HRC dinner...it all depends on the stage of life someone sees himself at and how important it is to feel surrounded by peers in the same position. They're all insufferable, gay and straight.

Many young men define their maleness as not being gay.

[quote]An example was a three day retreat I was on with people in my profession from around the country. I talked to one guy maybe twice during that weekend. At the end, [bold]he comes up to me and says, “You feel like a close friend.”[/bold]

0.275/100

Male friendships are based on doing something together. "My golfing buddy," "My hiking buddy," "My fishing buddy," "My hinting buddy," "My blowing shit up buddy," etc. It's something you do together. The shared adventure and (sometimes shared risk) is the experience that firms the bond between the two men.

By contrast, women (and gay men) are able to form friendships on communication alone, without other activity, risk or adventure. The communication can be far more in-depth, honest and revealing, it does not have to be superficial "bro-talk."

In my observation men gossip just as much as women, including straight men. They may gossip about different things, but "word gets around" among straight men at the same speed it dies among women.

Oops, sorry about the typos. "My hunting buddy..." the experience forms the bond between the men, not the talk.

I'm not sure why some people assume OP has formed his thoughts from the single experience of interacting with one hetero man. Op's said it's "an example". Read: Anecdote, offered to illustrate the observations preceding it. It's not like OP is claiming :every single straight man..." or "This one scenario is conclusive proof!", or like this is a scientific peer review, rather than conversational comment on a soc.med board.

Btw, I don't know if he's right or not. I suspect it's an exaggeration to say "starved" but you only need to have listened over the years, as men's groups, men's health professionals, Mental Health/suicide prevention organisations have spoken about factors contributing to stress, depression, anger issues, why men tend to deal/not deal differently to women, and how that results in different outcomes.

Straight men tend to be more susceptible to Alpha/pack animal behavior, IMO. Also within a group setting, less likely to publicly voice an unpopular or dissenting opinion. They like to ride that wave of testosterone conformity.

Straight men are responsible for every societal ill, from the dawn of civilization. Even they don’t want to be friends with each other.

Well, smell her.

I am reminded of SKAM Italia season 2 and the amazing male friend group compared to the other SKAM seasons and countries. After all, all the male friend groups had ribbing and rules, hierarchy and exclusions. Why then was the Italian version so much better? It was because it was the only one where successful deception was punished rather than celebrated.

Straight men need to be the center of attention at all times. Very few people are willing to give them that. They need to evolve but they won't, because they can't. The least socially evolved creature on this planet is the straight male. They all think they are kings when all we see is the sad, fat jester.

Every president was a straight man. This is why our country is failing

R74 Wrong, bitch!

[quote]"word gets around" among straight men at the same speed it does among women.

Absolutely it does - knowledge is 'power', so being in the loop is vital, and the giving or withholding of information is intrinsic to most groups. While also being alert to misinformation.

"You also have to be married (to a woman) and have at least one child."

Misery loves company.

Like others have said, one of my best friends is a straight male. He says that he's able to confide in me about things that he can't say to any of his golf buddies or other male friends. To tell the truth, I feel the same way about him. I know if I say something to him that it won't go any further. I'm sure that if I said something to some of my other friends that was really personal, it would become gossip fodder.

R78, that sounds like it's more due to who you are as people than whether either of you is gay or straight.

R73 Straight women need to be the center of attention at all times. Very few gay people are willing to give them that. They need to evolve but they won't, because they can't. The least socially evolved creature on this planet is the straight female. They all think they are Queens when all we see is the sad, fat nester.

Straight men are like they are because they’re broken by society now. All their creativity and exuberance is stifled because they’re told to walk a fine line of masculinity to obtain the sacred PUSSY. I watched many male friends change drastically in stages from elementary to high school to college to adulthood, not just maturing but shutting down completely. They talk in an macho affectation, walk stiffly as if they’re consciously changing their posture, lose all interest in anything artistic. It’s sad, women completely break them now.

This is a strange thread.

Seems the pathetic MRA troll has arrived at R80/R81. Get popcorn. He's hilariously stupid.

R83 yeah, there’s only one person posting here who doesn’t think women are perfect angels...

Western women are completely insufferable. I don't blame hetero men if they're a bit lost these days.

Who the F needs male friends? GFY!

R83 that's how it seems to go on here lately. Topic about straight men? Half the comments blaming women or complaining how they're the worst ever. It's like catnip here.

Who cares about straight men being starved for friendship? That’s their fault for being obsessed with trying to look “manly” by suppressing their emotions all the time.

I told you the MRA troll is hilariously stupid and he showed right back up again to prove it! Thanks MRA troll.

Maybe they wouldn’t be so lonely, if they developed another form of homosocial communication besides brutally and competitively roasting and tearing each other down just to amuse themselves.

Most are still raised to believe in strict gender roles and made self conscious about expressing emotions.

A guy expressing emotions and vulnerability is called, and perceived as, weak, girly, unmanly, gay, etc.

One of the many reasons why toxic masculinity even is a thing is guys being frustrated and not being able to deal with their emotions other than expressing anger, dominance and having anger management problems.

It’s embarrassing to see a man cry.