Are any of you estranged from family?

I haven't spoken to my mother (except once or twice accidentally at my nana's before she died) since I was 13, 35+ years ago. Sister, same deal. Aunt 27 years. Cousin tried but unfortunately family ties means nothing to me and the idea of having a relationship with someone who has a relationship with those other family members just wasn't worth it.

I think in most ways I am a better person for it. I don't believe you can have relationships with deadly toxic, dangerous people and not become one (or a victim, or both). I also don't understand why people constantly hate their families but also prioritize them. seems like needlessly wasted energy to me but, everyone does it so it must just be something missing in me.

Older brother, five years and counting. He and wife are "stadium-style seating" evangelicals...I just can't. Got the whole "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" sh*t from him. Life's too short.

R2 What is stadium style seating? Evangelicald?

Step-siblings. Got the cold shoulder from them after stepdad & then mom were both dead. I was 22 at that point & they were both older. I began to sense problems after my stepdad died when I was 14. Both stepsiblings are older than me & were in their 20s when the distancing started. I went to the same college they both did & my stepbrother stayed living in the same town after he graduated. Getting him to hang out was like pulling teeth. He wouldn't return calls. Always had excuses when I would reach him. Saw him maybe twice a year, sometimes just by running into him at a bar or something.

For years I just expected that they, my older siblings, would just always be there for me. I eventually went to therapy to deal with it. I came to the realization that I just wasn't wanted around. Their mom had remarried & had three more kids, so they had an entire family. I just had them. Then I didn't. Haven't talked to either in a few years.

All 3 siblings for over 15 years now. I'm 53, the youngest by 11 years. They made my life hell from day one. My only regret is I didn't do it much, much sooner. Since day one actually. My mum and dad had already popped their clogs 20 years ago, so I don't know why I waited longer than I had to even on the concern (that I didn't give a fuck about really) that it would "kill my mother".

As free as Julie fucking Andrews dancing on that mountain.

R5, same same. As designated janitor, it took five years to shake the ghosts loose and move on.

I haven't talked to my father in 21 years (I was 19). My parents divorced when I was 5 and I spent two weekends a month with him and several weeks over the summer until he moved several states away when I was 15; I only saw him twice after that. He was a self involved person and I don't think either of us enjoyed being around each other much. I didn't return a couple of his calls and he quit calling.

I was booted out at 17 by the step-father. Had occasional contact with mother but had to come to terms with the fact that she really was a cold, highly manipulative person and was astoundingly selfish. Older brother (2 years) was a brutal, physical bully. Younger half brother (by 10 years) was filled with light and love but died young.

The only one left is the older brother and it has been 40 years since we've spoken. We really do just hate each other.

The thing was I always seemed to make friends with kids that came from big families, so there was something about family life that I desired.

Someday, I hope.

Some of you sound angry.

I accept family members for what they are.

Not anymore.

R11, how nice. For you.

Why are you even posting in this thread r11?

For me, it is much the same as noted above by others. After therapy, a few key deaths, growing older, and realizing I was the one putting in all the work, I just started letting go. There is still some hurt on my part (maybe some on theirs?), but I’m much better off. The estranged ones are all Trumptards and Evangelicals. I think we regard each other as freaks of nature. I realize I have my husband, our kids, and I take life for what it is. I do have decent relationships with most of the family though. I just refuse to apologize for who I am, act like I am less than, or put up with their bullshit. Life is way too short.

Not completely estranged, but not in close contact. Part of the reason is one particularly abusive sibling.

I have R11 blocked.. seems like it was a good choice. Carry on.

- Only child, not estranged but most of my extended family and I are not close and don't speak regularly. I am (extremely) close with my parents, and then kind of close to an aunt, small handful of cousins. There is no particular bad blood, but… We just don't really talk, interact or get together with each other. At all. I do wish it was different. We were closer when I was younger but everyone has drifted off into their own worlds.

[quote] Why are you even posting in this thread [R11]?

Evidently he saw it as an opportunity to congratulate himself.

I used to hang out all the time with my younger cousin I would visit him once a fortnight for a few hours playing video games etc. then he started University and he stopped returning my messages. I now see him maybe once a year at family gatherings.

I know it’s not the same as the other posts in the thread but it makes me sad that we were once so close and now nothing.

I understand though. what Uni student wants to hang out with their older cousin. People grow and change.

My aunt is a crazy lady who thinks she is Samantha on Bewitched. Her and her family are rabid right winger MAGA types. She raised her kids as fanatics and home-schooled them. They turned into total MAGA white trash, even though my aunt's mom was a liberal. She has never been a cunt to me directly nor have my two cousins but I just can't with the shit that comes out of their mouth. I blocked my cousins on all social media because they embarrass me. My aunt posts all these fake posts to seem like a sweet lady when in fact I know she is essentially a Nazi psycho but, since she was always super "nice" to me as a kid when I had colitis, I haven't blocked her and also, her husband helped me move and is essentially like a pussy-whipped Burt Reynolds look-alike who worships at the altar of this obese nut job. I don't want to hurt his or her feelings because they helped me along the way but fuck, I hate their beliefs and just unfollowed them and never see them or talk to them. My parents and sister also gave up keeping in touch or seeing them except on social media because we are totally liberal and it's incompatible.

R11 is a douche.

I also have a lovely story that happened when the pandemic started when I was called a "faggot". My roommate is super outgoing and her cousin is a right-wing Trump-loving cunt who is part of the extreme right wing Hungarian party. So this bitch moved to the UK to work as a medical assistant with the elderly and cheated on her husband and got pregnant by an English bus driver who is 47 - lovely guy but struggles with his weight and scoliosis. My roommate was super nice to her thinking "oh, she grew up in a poor country" so she bought her son expensive designer baby clothes and always lent her money. Also, she befriended the said English bus driver because they are both HUGE fans of Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and Queen and talk relentlessly about English rock bands and movies. So this bitch said "don't talk to my boyfriend, just talk to that faggot, you miserable skinny bitch". She cut her cousin off completely. I think the cousin is secretly jealous, as are all fat frau of people who are happy or liberated so I said let her wallow in her venom and forget it.

R3, I assume "stadium-style seating evangelical" means they go to a huge mega-church with thousands of seats. They tend to have very Fire & Brimstone type preachers and not be very progressive to say the least.

I haven't seen nor spoken to my two sisters since 2009. They've always gossiped about everyone so I knew they gossiped about me, but when I found out how bad it was - my older sister decided I was a child molester, all because of something she thought she saw when I was twelve - 12! (and of course she was wrong, about both things), I realized they had crossed a line that couldn't be repaired. I forgave them (with no apology from either one), but I also knew I never wanted to have anything to do with them again.

The first few years I got angry, indignant letters and messages (that I ignored). Eventually they must have realized that I really wanted nothing to do with them, and after 9 years my younger sister finally left a msg on my voicemail saying she was sorry. By then I was long past caring, so it meant nothing to me.

When you get to a place where nothing someone says can hurt you or move you in any way, it's a liberating feeling.

There's an eight year age gap between myself, the youngest, and a cluster of older brothers. I know that there are many families in which the baby is embraced but that was not my case. I tried for years to establish a positive adult relationship with them but it never worked -- resentment (I have been successful in my career while they have not) mingled with the ghost of childhood exclusion. In the end I just gave up and when I did so I was finally able to recognize their indifference, something that I found strangely liberating.

That said, I am still moved by films with loving fraternal relationships (I wept when I saw Lion, about the little Indian boy who lost his older brother) so I suppose that there is still unfinished business. But it won't be resolved for me.

[quote]I accept family members for what they are.

Accepting awful people doesn't mean you have to interact with them.

Once upon a time disease, war, and nature provided convenient exit stories for siblings. “Oh, yes. She was a shit and then she died giving birth to the odd-looking kid over there.”

I have had no contact with the Magats side and only limited contact with the Bible thumpers side for over ten years. I almost feel like I must have been adopted as my values are the complete opposite of theirs.

“You killed my sister with your huge head, Jimmy. Thanks!”

I cut my youngest sibling loose (eventually) after our second parent died. No real rapport ever, but I naively thought bereavement might improve what relationship there was. In fact the ugliest true colours came out, shamelessly.

So toxic to my mental and physical health I needed to let go absolutely at the soonest practical opportunity. No regrets at all, I feel cleaner for the absence. Clueless other family members express 'regret' at the (permanent) estrangement, but they weren't there.

My oldest brother after my father died. He’s an angry, selfish, know-it-all cunt. Brutalized me physically as a kid. Then years later, he married a psychotic alcoholic piece of cockney trash who in a drunken rage accused my partner and me of wanting to molest their son. Ya know, cuz we’re gay.

I’m not religious but I do hope they both burn in hell.

I walked away from my family years ago. My mother destroyed my brothers and sister's life, they are just broken. My mother started supplementing her income through dealing drugs. She really brought the neighborhood down. I became very suspicious that my brother was actually murdered by my nephew, it was just a horrifying situation.

About a year after I stopped having anything to do with them I realized that my life-long depression was gone for good. It was something I had struggled with for years.

It really didn't bother me when I got the news my mom had died. I felt worse when my cat died.

My father and I haven’t spoken in 10ish years. His closet racism slowly came out of the closet and just kept getting worse. Once he called me and said something racist, blatantly ignorant, and incredibly stupid about Obama, I just went off, and hung up. He called once a year or so later, and brought it up again in a weird, taunting way. I hung up again, and that was it. I cannot allow that shit in my life. I have no siblings, and my mom died at an early age.

I was kicked out at 17, and told to never come back. Being a dutiful son, I followed their instructions to the letter. Fast forward 45 years, I never spoke to my mother or her husband ever again. After the Internet, my siblings have made half-hearted attempts to contact me (for money), but I never responded to their efforts. I was the youngest of 5. They inherited everything, why should I “lend” them money?

I have no curiosity about them at all. It was an alcohol-fueled, abusive childhood. Y mother and her husband were monsters, raising monsters-to-be. In hindsight, the best thing that could have happened to me was being shoved out and escaping their madness. I thank them every day for escaping small town hell.

Funny you should ask...

I haven't spoken to my biological mother in probably thirteen years. But no matter -- I was adopted and didn't meet her until I was 19. And I've heard of very few adoptees who reconnected with biological parents and had a good relationship with them.

I feel nothing toward her, really. Nor do I feel anything toward my biological siblings.

I love my real mother with all my heart, and (as I've mentioned elsewhere on the DL) slowly losing her to early-onset Alzheimer's is one of the hardest things in life I've experienced.

I'm not sure I will feel much when my birth mother dies.

I haven't spoken to or laid eyes upon my older brother and sister since 1995. Our last meeting was at the estate attorney's office closing out my parent's estate. We each had our own attorneys there and they both tried to pull a fast one to get more than our parent's wills stipulated. They got slapped down very quickly and sat there the rest of the time pouting. We haven't spoken since. Although my brother's bitch frau fake Christian hypocrite wife does send me a Christmas card every year with the BS line "come see us" written on it. I've been very tempted many times to send it back with FUCK BOTH OF YOU written across it in magic marker.

A bitter and angry legal dispute over our mother's estate has led to a permanently fractured family. And I don't care. I would rather not see them or talk to them anyway, considering who they are as people. Other than your parents, get as far away from your birth family as possible.

I still don't talk to my sister, Joan. She knows to stay on her side of The Great Beyond.

I cut my Dad out after he did a lot of financial crimes (and other shady shit which he wasn't prosecuted for) and lied about it for years, which put my mom in a fragile emotional state. She tried to divorce but he dragged it out for years so she couldn't testify against him. He never owned up to what he did - even after he was in prison - so I noped out.

I tried to re-engage with him 10 years later. I visited him and his new wife a couple of times and it was just a repeat of the verbal abuse and belittlement that he did with my mom. He still did not own up to anything he has done wrong and I realized he's a manipulative, controlling, narcissist asshole and it's not going to improve my life.

The problem is that all of these people who are cut off - invariably, they think YOU are the asshole. Or if they are MAGAs, it's that you're a brainwashed liberal.

Their lack of self-awareness and perspective is what all of these people have in common - and a lack of remorse or acknowledgment of past wrongs. A good, heart-felt apology goes SO FAR - but people like this are not capable of it.

I have not spoken to my sisters in 10 years and can honestly say they have been the BEST 10 years of my life.

I don’t have any contact with my father. He was sexually/physically/emotionally abusive and selfish growing up, and I tried to give him a chance to apologize in a letter where I explained my feelings (I was an adult by then). He wrote back like 3-5 years later saying he did the best he could and god this and that. If sexual abuse of your oldest child is “the best [you] can do,” and then you deflect with god talk, you don’t belong in anyone’s life.

I didn’t let him go to my mom’s funeral last year (they were divorced). I don’t hate him, but I don’t regret my decision to cut him off, although my sisters don’t understand and think I should forgive and forget like they did, which causes conflict at times.

R41 - let me guess - no apology or acknowledgement of his wrong doings or how it impacted you, correct?

If I had come out I would have been disowned by my Dad. He used the word queer to describe gay people. I stayed in the closet for years. The funny part is I was the only sibling (total of 4) who took him in when he had broken his hip and was on his last legs. He couldn't believe that I would do that for him. Over the 11 months that he lived with me our relationship softened a great deal. My family knew how he treated me earlier in my life and were surprised I would take him, but he was my father and he did raise me. I think it worked out for all of us.

I had a brother 9 years older than me who was killed in war when I was 12. I also have a sister 6 years older than me who was the high school beauty queen. I adored her. I don't remember much about my brother, at all, but my sister is still around. I have tried over the years to cultivate a relationship with her, but I hear from her rarely, and usually only when I call. Sometimes, I hear from her every few years when she dumps some baggage on me or wants something. I have tortured myself all my life of why I wasn't good enough for her to like. But, after 60 years of this, I am tired of the guilt, so I am just leaving her alone. If she calls, I will lovingly answer, but she has to call.... this time.

No...just emotionally. We have absolutely nothing in common, and my family are all too WASP-y in their mannerisms and aspirations (if not their finances, ha!), so we don't talk about anything unpleasant (meaning "real" or "controversial") - and have never been honest about feelings or warm enough for sincerity or real intimacy. Also, we don't touch. We limit discussions to "parlor talk" and discuss trivialities, and inoffensive topics, such as the weather or TV shows. I genuinely like them, but as a family, we're pretty hands-off and shallow. Sometimes, keeping the convo going is a challenge. (On the plus side, we never have arguments over holiday dinners, so...I guess it's not *such* a bad thing?) Sometimes I really wish we were Italian, Irish, or Mexican...

I have several siblings. Father died first, Mom died about ten years later. After Mom died, we did drift apart.

Be aware, those of you who have living parents, when they both die, it's easy to drift from your siblings.

R44 and others who said that they were the ones initiating contact all the time: that was me as well. It gets really tiring and almost demoralizing. I stopped being the one to initiate contact all the time. I feel better now.

My entire family is white trash. I haven't talked to my oldest half-brother since I was a teenager and the middle (I'm the youngest) in decades either. My mother is metally psychotic and a drug addict. I pushed myself to get a college scholarship and at 18 I left and never looked back.

My parents are divorced. My Dad is a religious nut job but we have a decent relationship.

I broke off contact with my toxic mother a decade ago and have no interest in having any kind of relationship with her or any other emotional vampire.

Both my parents are dead(they were a piece of work), so there is no need to pretend to even like my siblings. We’re on different planets.

So the key to all of this is - look at your parents and grandparents. How close were they with their siblings after the age of 35? Most likely, they were distanced and didn't spend that much time together.

My mother has severe emotional problems bordering on mental illness I think. She's very manipulative and selfish and I feel like she mentally abused all of us including my dad and sister. I dont think it was intentional because she is so mentally off, at least I hope it's not. There ways always MAJOR drama and I just couldn't take it anymore, so much so that I didn't even go to my father's funeral lest she start something.

My sister is alone with her now and she probably has made her a nutcase too. I do blame my father and sister for never putting their foot down and doing something about it. I haven't seen or talked to them in over ten years. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to survive.

"Are any of you estranged from family?"

Why do you axe?

I am super suspicious of people who have a close family particularly after the kids get married and then all the spouses need to be at matriarch and patriarch's for all holidays, birthdays, etc. And the also all vacation together twice a year. I don't think it's normal to be so attached to the family of origin and the parents shouldn't require it of their kids.

My sisters and I were always at our parents’ home for their birthdays and holidays-Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving. One sister came out with her family every few years, as she lives across the country. My parents went to Hawaii for 3 months every year. We didn’t join them, but my cousins usually saw them there for a couple of weeks.

Growing up, we always spent Christmas with my father’s parents. My mother is Ukrainian so we celebrated Christmas Eve with my maternal grandparents on January 6. Easter is a much bigger celebration for Ukrainians, and that was always celebrated with my maternal grandparents, my aunt and cousins. I miss those traditions with all 4 of my grandparents, now that they’re long gone.

I am sorry posters here don’t have positive memories of their families, and I hope they have all found as much peace as is possible in this world.

I cut off from my father and his family in 1994. He was toxic, and I knew if he stayed in my life he would find a way to drag me down with him. Alcoholic, cruel, and loathed his faggot son (me).

When I saw this thread, I googled him. Turns out he died last November. No word in 26 years and I’m glad this is how the story ends.

No, not estranged. In fact, we all still live together in our childhood home in Virginia (well, umm, actually Burbank).

My god, R54. Just want to give you a hug. I'm glad you cut him out. My best friend also found out her father died on the Internet. He pretty much disowned her for dating people outside of her race. Also, pretty cruel alcoholic. I wish I could say something more comforting. But she was and is better off with him out of her life.

I stopped talking to both my parents and younger sister about 25 years ago. Both my parents died within the last 2 years. Didnt go to my fathers funeral and wont go to my mothers. Never regretted it for an instant.

All of them. Over ten years ago. My life opened up, i created a supportive family of friends and i haven’t looked back. It’s all about self care.

Cut contact with father for 5 years and then I heard he died. It’s been 7 years since then and I have no regrets at all, it probably saved me years of agony.

Families are over rated, and often cause pain and sorrow.

From most of them. Homophobia and racism are the biggest reasons. I do find it interesting that most of them rejected ME first. Lol…pathetic, huh?

Both parents dead. Not in contact with older sister for at least 10 years. She was my mother's favorite and both were passive aggressive and good at subtle put downs. The kind of people who made you feel worse about yourself not better.

I was always the one who had to keep in touch, and she had no interest in my life at all. It was easy to let go because there was nothing really there in the first place. I never think about her, and I'm good with that.

Only an uncle and aunt who, after years of trying to bully their way around the family, called me after my grandmother died to accuse me of trying to scam them out of their fair share of the (smallish) estate. Total bullshit - the house just didn't sell for as much as they expected.

It's the only time I have ever seriously said "this conversation is over". More than a decade later, the conversation has not picked up again.

R11 Your family accepts you as the cold smug imbecile that you are.

No. I'm actually one of the few they all like. I'm special. But Aunt Pat was always a cunt. She's a total fucking bitch. Completely.

Lots of damaged families

I had a decent relationship with both parents (now deceased), but haven't seen or spoken to my brother since our mother's funeral back in 2019 (our father predeceased her by 25 years). We live on different continents and were separated when we were aged 14 (him) and 11 (me). It was, unsurprisingly, the most regressive relationship of my life, like we were permanently stuck at those ages. All his life, he'd been trying to punish me for the fact that our (single) mother never loved him and never wanted him. I'm pretty certain I'll never see him again, and am completely fine with that. I never liked him, nor his wife.

I aged out of the foster system, so the only “family” I really have is one foster brother who was also in the system that I lived with for two years in HS and my HS foster family that I lived with for four years.

I still keep in touch with the brother, but I’ve totally cut off the others. They used to contact me (after I got married and became financially stable) and would need $250 for this or $500 for that. My husband, bless his heart, agreed that we could send them money a couple of times.

We invited them to our wedding, they didn’t have the money to fly. We offered to buy them plane tickets, they wanted to drive. We offered to pay for their hotel, they weren’t sure if that would work. Literally nothing we could do to get them to come. That’s when I (mostly) made the decision to cut them out. They’ve still called and I’ve tried to talk to them, but I’m officially over it.

R24 said something that really hit me. I’m really a sucker for feel-good family movies. I remember right after we got married, Husband told me he loved the movie Second Hand Lions. We watched it and I basically bawled through the whole thing. Kid gets dropped off by mom? Sobbing. Mom comes back but has bad motives? Crying. It happens a lot and I think it comes down to my family situation.

Hugs to everyone in these situations. I hope all of you are able to fine peace.

R62, I could have written this word for word.

I haven’t had any contact with my older sister since 2007.

I lost my brother to Jesus. He went from educated, smart, loving man to science-denying Christian fundamentalist bigot. Hates gays and abortion, speaks in tongues, subjugates women. Conversation just became too fraught . He really believes that he is going to Heaven and I am going to Hell. I miss him terribly.

Home is where the heart is broken.

My older sister is a snob and my older brother is a perpetual victim. My mother was the lynchpin that held us together and when she died a couple years ago, we all drifted away from each other. Absolutely nothing in common.

Mind blowing realness on this thread. Much appreciated & somehow healing!

My older brother. Toxic drug addict who shit in the faces of everyone who tried to help him. Abusive to my enabling mother, me, his girlfriends, children and anyone else in his orbit. I 302d him when he called me during one of his umpteenth drug comedowns. I took his dog he was slowly starving to death to a dog shelter while they tried to get him into rehab. He left after two days, calling me asking about the dog...I told him what I did and he went psycho. I already had a restraining order against him for threatening me at work. We clashed over my mom’s dementia...he wanted to become a home health aide so he could be paid to help her. While he lived with her, he robbed her blind. The cops wouldn’t lift a finger because mom wouldn’t throw him out. She broke her leg during an alcoholic binge and it Was my opportunity to get her help. The doctors diagnosed her with dementia and I got her into a nursing home. My brothers gravy train was ended and he went psycho acting like A lunatic, threatening to burn down our neighborhood until I bought my mother back home. I found out that he was cashing her disability checks and spending them on whores and mouth and I finally was able to do something. I got power of attorney over my mom. So now he can’t access for money without coming through me. And so he’s angry he blames me for all of the feelings in his life, he blames my mother, he blames his girlfriend and their children, but he takes no responsibility for his own feelings as a human being. The last time I called him he was at a halfway house, Still complaining about how I ruined his life and so I told him not to call me anymore and then I reported it to family court and he had to go back to court. Now he attends mandatory anger management classes and narcotics anonymous. He told me he hated me and wanted to kill me so I told him I would no longer argue with him he was on his own and to not bother me with his problems until he got himself together it’s been over a year since we’ve spoken and I feel so relieved not having to put up with his bullshit, car calling me every day begging for money or food or could I help him do something for his children. Always, always, having his hand out begging. Showing up at my door begging for food or money always saying, “I need you, bro, i’m broke/hungry/hiding from my dealer...”. It was always something. So when he threatened me the last time, I told him never to contact me again and I reported them to family court and they are dealing with it. I feel so fucking relieved not having to worry about those calls all the time. And my mother is where she needs to be she’s getting the care she needs; and he can’t access her money. That was all he wanted. He even had his friends call me up to say that they Visiting my mother in the nursing home and that she was being neglected. Which was a lie because the pandemic was going on at the time in visitors are not allowed in the nursing home. When I told him this he said that he got his source from somebody who worked in the kitchen. Which was a lie, addicts lie. I just told him to stay the fuck out of my life because I was tired of his bullshit. He told me I was being selfish and greedy and that I put my mother away in a nursing home so I wouldn’t have to deal with her. I hung up the phone and I blocked his phone number and that was that. The funny thing is I still love my brother very much, but I dislike him intensely. He is a selfish vicious manipulative con artist. There were times where I wished that he was dead so I wouldn’t have to worry about dealing with him.

My brother is 7 years older than me. Growing up, he was always out and in a lot of trouble..so I never had a real relationship with him. He got married to a woman from Florida, who is very Christian and he became that way, also. My sister in law never liked our family...I think she thought we were heathens, though my father and step mother always went to church. I'm not religious, though. I would speak to my brother on the phone, maybe once or twice a year...the conversation was like I was speaking to a stranger, who you struggle to make conversation. He is a trumper, too...perfect, a "Christian" who loves trump. Who would've thought? lol.. I feel like we really don't have anything in common, other than sharing blood. I've lost respect for him for his Bible thumping and being a trump supporter. I know he feels the same about me, as well. If I call him, he never answers the phone (caller id and cell), so he has no interest in me anymore. Oh well...que sera, que sera.

Depends on what you mean by "estranged."

Not the one I chose.

The ones I was given through birth lottery managed to estrange themselves and that's their problem. I finally closed the door and started paying more attention to those who loved and respected me in return for same. It's been hard to acknowledge how much time I spent being guilt ridden over that decision, but now I'm free and happy and I don't look back.

Did anyone try family therapy before throwing in the towel?

Does it work if everyone is adults? Do they have family therapy for estranged adult siblings?

Giving everybody a big hug on this thread.

A word of warning for anyone who chooses a partner who is estranged from important family members - if there is any conflict with your family, they will soon lead you in the direction of becoming estranged from them, something you may never before have considered. Estrangement is normal for them.

Look at Prince Harry.

There is so much sadness on this thread. It's heart breaking. Even when some of the breaks took courage and probably eeded for epace of mind and good mental health.

I agree that some families that make a production of closeness with the family vacations, etc. may be more problematic than loving. That closeness can be a way to maintain control via guilt and reinforcing insecurities into adulthood. When my parents died I felt that I had finally become an adult emotionally - that's probably mischaracterizing what it was but it felt - at least for me - that there was no one left in the world I needed to worry about pleasing or altering my life for to get acceptance - whether that was a reality or just my child-like imagination.

I don't know which is worse or harder - to stay and fight and state your boundaries and demand acceptance and respect or just to walk away. Life can be so cruel and hard some time.

I am so sorry for the pain in this thread and salute the courage to get on with life despite the losses.

I wish my partner would get estranged from family, I can't stand any of them.

I am estranged from my younger sister for about 20 years and with some second cousins.

In grade school my sister demonstrated unruly, difficult, violent, behavior and she was never held accountable. Teachers and professionals often spoke with my parents about this behavior, but it never addressed. I'd often suggest to my parents, when I was in my teens and twenties, that they seek out support from a psychiatrist, psychologist or social worker or therapist. They'd dismiss my suggestions, my sister would be vengeful, violent. After one particularly violent event in April 2001, I left my parents home and have never spoken with my sister or been alone with her again. I'm disappointed and sad and I do miss having a real sibling, but my parents made their decisions and now my sister is particularly burdensome to / mean to / threatening to / uncontrollable for my mother.

My brother is a Trump Republican...as far as I know, his whole family is too....they know nothing about me and express no interest in me, and I feel the same about them. I don't hate them--we exchange the occasional card or email....but that's about it. and it's fine with me. My brother and I share childhood memories, of course, but there's just....nothing there.

R79, that is true for some people who have lived through very bitter estrangement. A lot of them were pushed hard to tolerate bullying, drug addicted or mentally ill people who refused any treatment or intervention. Then they were told that you have to put up with family members doing things that would be completely intolerable if they were not family members. You would never put up with any of it, or even be in the same room with that person, if they were not family. Let alone giving money to someone you know is irresponsible, vicious and refuses to straighten up, after multiple chances.

Would you willingly let a homeless drug addict stay in your house knowing he’s going to steal, come home high and trash the place? No. So why put up with that because he’s your brother? Same with abusive parents, or mentally ill relatives who have ruined their lives and refuse treatment. If someone was hitting you for years, would anyone tell you to invite them into your home any time they want? No, but if it’s your mother or father, people jump all over you to “be the bigger person” or “do the right thing.” If that was your husband, they’d be saying, throw his ass out and call the cops.

One thing people that cut off their family know, is that abusive people gaslight and guilt you into helping them when they don’t deserve it. And most of them already put up with this behavior for years before they called it quits. It’s very hard for people to isolate from family. It goes against all your instincts. People usually do it because they’re up against the wall, and it’s either that or have a tornado in their lives randomly breaking things at random times. They’ve just been driven to it out of a sense of self preservation. It’s the last resort.

Once you’ve done it, you realize, I was brainwashed to think I had to put up with abuse that was killing me inside. Making me depressed, anxious, and less stable. And I put up with it all those years for somebody who didn’t like me, respect me or love me, or care if they hurt me. It’s no different than any other abusive relationship. People leave their spouses all the time for abusive behavior. This is no different. I agree, sometimes people are too quick to tell somebody else to cut off their family. But I think it’s because they realize the person involved has been so gaslighted, they don’t realize how unacceptable the behavior is any more. It takes an outsider to see how acceptable it is, how badly it is affecting you mentally and emotionally, and what a negative affect it has in your entire life. Some people can tolerate having a limited relationship with a family member, but at the same time, their other family is trying to convince them to disregard their own well-being and boundaries to benefit someone who doesn’t care about them. So some people get bullied into tolerating the intolerable. I lost friends who couldn’t stand to see the abuse I tolerated before I finally cut family off.

We need to talk frankly about this as a society, but it’s so emotionally charged we won’t. Financially, a lot of people aren’t independent so that a lot of it. We need to get those people on government programs instead of expecting them or their family members to be human sacrifices. That would stop a lot of abuse.

R84 Thank you so much for saying this so clearly.

[quote] I aged out of the foster system

R68 / Ernst, don't you ever, for a minute, feel bad about giving up on your "family." It takes a hell of a lot for bio parents to never regain custody of their children. By "a lot," I mean a lot of neglect as well.

R78 You can't make someone go to therapy, therefore you go yourself and leave the others to deal with THEIR problems, or perhaps not.

I learned that my mothers problems were not my problems, they're hers, and it's up to her to deal with them, not everyone else around her.

R86, I never knew my dad and my mom was put in prison for drugs. Honestly, I have no idea where she is or what she’s up to. I don’t remember her middle name. Her first/last name combo is so common I wouldn’t be able to find her even if I tried.

I have forgiven her for being a shit mom, but I really don’t want to reconnect. In fact, on of Husband’s well-meaning aunts is really into Ancestry.com and bought me the DNA test so she can link me on their tree. I am not interested, even in the slightest. I don’t want someone (my mom/dad or a sibling/cousin) to connect. I have wholly moved on.

R88 / Ernst, I had a feeling that prison time was involved, but wasn't sure. Makes sense that they never regained custody. Unusual for both parents to be in prison, though, IMO.

Anyway, I wouldn't be interested in Ancestry.com, either, under your circumstances.

Similar to some of the above. Two selfish, scheming, ungrateful older siblings who put our wonderful mom and dad through the wringer. Dad died decades ago. I took care of everything when mom had health issues, back and forth to hospital stays, then into assisted living near her friends and church but far from me, where I visited her every week. I cleared out 50 years worth of files, generations of family photos, etc. Auctioned the contents of the house that family members didn't want, sold the house, eventually took care of the funeral and estate. Siblings did almost nothing to help, and in fact found ways to make things harder. Addict brother switched from borrowing money from mom, to borrowing money from me. Never did pay me back for the last one. Sister never did pay back the last large loan from mom, and lied to me about other major debts to mom before that one, as it turned out. I'm still managing a college account for one niece and enjoying the company of the other, who is a surprisingly good person despite sister being emotionally/psychologically abusive and stealing from her. I haven't cut off brother, but he rarely bothers to interact with me. Cut off sister when she started up her manipulative psycho shit again, after she had briefly minded her manners with me while I was taking care of the estate. She knows better. She's just a bad person. I had no qualms suddenly ghosting her.

I haven't talked to my entire family since 2000. I resent my mother for being complicit in my father's physically abusing me. I don't dislike my siblings, but I was never close to them either, and breaking ties with my mom meant breaking ties with them. I just stopped returning my mom's calls, and then I eventually moved across country and changed my phone number. I imagine she's scratching her head as to why all of a sudden I cut her off, as it wasn't motivated by any particular incident. As I got older, I just grew to resent her more and more, since I could see more clearly how my life had been affected by my childhood.

My partner is totally estranged from his family and it's been difficult for me. He has good reasons but because he won't go into it (no less go into any kind of therapy) and refuses to talk about it, it has created a lot of issues between him and me.

Again, his family is pretty creepy but I think I would not enter into a relationship with someone who is estranged from their family who at least hasn't tried to find ways to deal with it rather than submerge it.

[quote] Addict brother switched from borrowing money from mom, to borrowing money from me. Never did pay me back for the last one.

R90, please stop lending money to your addict brother. It's a set-up for disappointment, at the very least.

Boy, reading this thread as made me feel MUCH better. Here's part of a letter I started to write to a local Dear Abby-type columnist to explain my situation:

Since my Mom’s death several years ago, I have not kept up communications with my brother (older by 3 years) or my sister (younger by 10 years). Truth is I really don’t like them. I find them greedy and insincere. My Mom was the glue that kept our family together, and after her passing, I felt as if my family had nothing in common but blood. I do send Christmas cards every year, but that’s about it.

My brother and sister-in-law have reached out me on occasion and encouraged some contact, but I have steadfastly refused for one specific reason: about 3 years ago, my sister-in-law called and left a message on my answering machine asking how I was and suggesting that I give them a call and how much they would like that. She hung up the phone, but apparently the connection was not severed, because I was able to hear the conversation between them clearly for about three minutes until my answering machine cut off. The gist of “that” conversation was decidedly different. They bitterly talked about how much money I was worth, how many houses I owned, and why they should benefit from my perceived wealth, all of which I accumulated on my own. After hearing that conversation, I decided not to communicate with them ever again, although I have never given them an explanation.

I do feel a bit guilty and have considered calling my younger sister to explain the silence with my brother. My sister and I have a slightly better relationship, but I have avoided her as well because of years of needy drama in her life. My fear is that she would tell my brother and sister-in-law about our conversation, and that would just spark more unwanted communications.

Am I being selfish and ignoring Mom’s wishes to keep the family together by avoiding my siblings? Should I ignore the warning signs and reach out to them in a limited way? Or should I just sit tight and follow my gut feeling that there’s nothing to salvage?

R94, no, I don't think you should feel responsible for keeping the family together. I'd continue doing what you're doing.

As much as I loved my mother (deceased), I feel she played a part in why my siblings and I have such difficult relationships.

My older sister for six years now. It started in 2008 when we were on vacation together and, after a couple drinks, she told me to “get right with God,” since Obama was the Antichrist and end days were nigh. I begged off doing stuff with her the rest of the trip.

By 2015, she was full on unhinged. I had to block her phone number, those of her husband and my nephew, and all of them on social media. My mom tries to play go between but I shut that down immediately. My brother similarly cut her out of him life around the same time.

Mom died last year from various ailments after contracting COVID.

We weren't able to have a funeral. The only thing worse than her death would have been sitting between two sibs and their spouses; one took care of 'business' needs, getting her to doctor's appointments, making sure she was in a good assisted living place; I took care of all the emotional needs.

Call her three times a day sometimes for at least one decent phone conversation. She was alone. Widowed way too early in life and it's not like TV where next season you get a new dad.

I never have to see them again. Their kids were cute when they were young; typical sullen teenagers and now, we have nothing to say to each other.

It's sad. This last part of my life will be spent trying to make some money, travel, be selective with friends.

I'm open to anything and everything.

[quote] I'm open to anything and everything.

Very sad, R97. What do you mean by this?

Very helpful reading this, although I am sorry for everyone’s pain. I now feel like I am not alone, or some freak of nature. It is shocking (not surprising) how evil people are to their own flesh and blood. SMH…

R94 if those are the true feelings of your brother and sister-in-law there isn't a crumb to salvage. Dealing with them in any way would only lead to bitterness and deep disappointment.

"A word of warning for anyone who chooses a partner who is estranged from important family members - if there is any conflict with your family, they will soon lead you in the direction of becoming estranged from them, something you may never before have considered. Estrangement is normal for them."

R79 does your partner control everything you do? No one can "lead" you anywhere. People who have been subject to abuse by family and have the strength to walk away from that are not trying to manipulate you. They are likely trying to tell you to grow some balls and stand up for yourself against family who is abusive. But I'm assuming you're weak and are resentful that your partners are pointing that out.

This is Phillywhore, Thanks DL and OP for starting this "HEART-WARMING POST". To(R62) I did the same thing with the movie...My daughter thought I was "having a breakdown-cried soooo much". I was in my late 40's when that happened. I was the youngest of 6(alot younger than my brothers-sisters). Mom& Dad were drunks(foster care for me started around 10 yrs old) Philadelphia, Pa(East Falls-St Bridgets) I don't know how I held it together; I remember telling a social worker when I was 25 yrs old( in Wharton at the time) that I watched all those men raping me while I floated above the bed, I blocked out all the women. My goal in life at 25 yrs old was to "make MONEY" More to Cum, don't want to remember yet.

R98, I guess I meant I'm open to all the things in life I never thought I'd have -- a more successful career, a relationship; probably just too old to have kids of my own but if I found the right partner and he wanted to adopt an older kid?

Post COVID, I'd like to do more, enjoy life before the end; it's coming for all of us; my Mom's death showed me that.

This last year has gone by...the next 20 or so will too.

I thought about ending it all this morning actually or thought about what it would be like to do that; but I have too much going for me. I have to try.

I'd like to have some fun.

I have been estranged from my older brother for almost 14 years now. A lot of it has to do with shitty things that he and his wife did to my parents and other family members.

[quote] Post COVID, I'd like to do more, enjoy life before the end; it's coming for all of us; my Mom's death showed me that.

R103, understood. I think you can begin to enjoy life more. Who knows when "post Covid" will be?

R105, I dreamed about my mom almost every night since she passed away

she was somewhere...in an assisted living, in a rehab, a hospital, I was there, talking to doctors, aides, therapists, trying to get her food; make sure she had clean clothes, that her room was warm and clean (I used to attack her sofa with a dust buster when I'd first arrive at her place and zap up a few months worth of crumbs that had fallen into the cushion)

recently, that stopped; I think I'm making peace and moving on.

R106 = R103

I’m one of the contributors to this thread - I think R43?.

Abused by older sister...

I sometimes have intense suicidal ideation. Medication helps and my life is generally stable and happy. I appreciate people, plants, animals. I smile and laugh a lot.

But sometimes I am slammed by an overwhelming urge to end my life NOW.... it goes away, comes back a few months later.

My husband does not “agree” with my choice. That pisses me off so much. He knew her for many years and doesn’t “see” it. Fuck you! You won’t be seeing her trying to suck my dick when I was 16 or trying to sell me to some guys around that time.

I guess this thread is a bit intense to read but also comforting.

Peace to all.

I have two brothers (both Trumpistas long before there was a Trump and NRA gun nuts besides) and a sister who has had, by a no doubt incomplete count, 16 jobs in a 40 year working career and the same deadbeat husband the whole time. If she'd lost him and kept a job - or even three or four of them - they probably wouldn't be living in subsidized housing now. They all wanted money from her after my Dad died and whatever she gave them was never enough.

My Mom died 26 years ago and I haven't seen any of them, literally, since the funeral. She wanted me to have a lunch for everyone at her club after the service, I did, and none of them even showed up for that. The hundred or so people who did were nice about not mentioning their absence, making me think she'd told more than a few of 'em about her fractured family before she died - they were all AWOL during her final illness, leaving me to do all the heavy lifting during the last couple of years of her life.

Except for an email from my sister five years later asking if she could "borrow" $65,000 to save her husband's "business," I've heard nothing from any of them since the day she was buried. My response was "Sorry, no" and it probably didn't soften the blow that my reply came from mid-Pacific. Back then emails from a ship were something new: they went to the recipient with a header saying "Sent from the Cunard QE2 at sea."

They're all still alive so far as I know and all of them live within 20 - 25 miles of me, but they were the source of so much discord and conflict long before she died that their absence from my life has been a blessing, not a loss.

I saw a lawyer a few years back and in passing I discussed making my will. He said he dealt with a lot of people that had bad relations with their families. They would tell him stories about how truly horrible their families were, then say they felt they had no choice but to leave money for them anyway. Many of them had no one to leave money to but abusive family members. A lot of times drug abuse was involved.

He said he would tell them, there are a lot of worthy charities that could use your money to do something worthwhile, and you already know your family member is just going to squander it. He said very often they would leave it to unworthy family members anyway, knowing it was just going straight into their arm. He would arrange monthly payouts, but they both knew it wasn’t going to anything good. He told me, you don’t have to leave money to your family.

R108, eesh; find a new husband!

watching the Globes, Norman Lear said he's never laughed alone; he has a great family; happy for him.

He said his kids range in age from 26 +

26!!!

The man is 98!

He had a kid in his 70s!

R84, I know, right?! They made him walk behind his doofus brother and stand behind him on the balcony!

I’ve been estranged from my toxic mother ever since my father died in the late 90s. Sometimes she still shows up at performances (I’m in the music business), which is kind of sad, given that we don’t speak. I don’t fancy any kind of reconciliation, really, since I don’t think she is able to function without being emotionally abusive.

I think some of you didn't understand my post. Of course anyone who is in a situation of abuse should be encouraged to see it for what it is and free themself and supported in doing that. What I am talking about is ordinary family conflicts that could be resolved or would just blow over. The partner who is estranged from his own family (possibly for good reason) takes offense and isolates his partner from his own family, cutting him off from all outside support. Malignant narcissists are notorious for doing this. Or it could be that the isolating partner is just projecting his own unhappy family experience..

Being alone in the world with no family can be hard. It's better than being subjected to a horrible family, but it's nobody's first choice.

I don't speak to an older brother (8yrs) who was a drug addict and very abusive. He has not once acknowledged and even denied his behavior. He is mostly sober now but the sight of him makes me tense up and my palms sweat. I also stopped talking to an older sister who plays the victim and never owns her verbal abuse that she throws around. I wish it weren't this way. I don't have many friends to speak of, so it would be nice to have good relations with them, but they've only shown that if you forgive and forget. They continue their shitty ways

Did anyone who is estranged from their family longterm (no contact w/ parents or sibling) still receive their inheritance when they passed? How were o contacted? Was it a surprise or did you assume you would get an inheritance regardless. I'm completely over my toxic family, but part of me still hopes I will get a substantial inheritance when they pass. Wishful thinking?

I have an older brother who I haven’t seen in years, he molested me and my two sisters. Hoping the fucker dies before before my mother does (she doesn’t know about the molesting) and doesn’t get any inheritance.

R117, don't count on it. I saw the future and bit the bullet two years before the event, and I'm glad I did. Luckily it only involved weekly phone calls. I advise you to do the same.

I'm estranged from my brother. There was no big falling out, no defining argument. We were never close and 40 years later we still aren't. It's hard on my mother. She wants us to have some contact when she's gone but that's virtually impossible now. There's no forgive and forget because there was nothing there to forgive or forget to begin with.

It also didn't help that my mother and father had an argument with his now wife and called her a slut, thus ensuring that he and his family would be kept as far from us as possible.

Parents, especially parents of a certain generation, had no idea how to encourage sibling love. That's an art that isn't easy to practice. Often, I think, siblings may form bonds of survival when parents are deficient. I tried for years with my brothers but finally gave up.

I had great hopes of marrying into a loving family but alas found my husband's family as deficient as my own, in fact his mother is mentally ill and the entire family covers for her anger and self-regard.

Europeans are a lot better at that, R121, because family estrangement isn't really part of their mindset. In Italy, generations live together in vast apartments. 85% of people own their own property and it is passed down from generation to generation. The governmemt doesn't provide much more than free education and subsidized healthcare; it's expected that families will do the rest. Inheritance laws prevent parents from disinheriting their children. There aren't too many care homes, and it is not uncommon for a grandmother to move into an adult grandchild's home. Children take care of their parents til the bitter end. It's only now that women work and adult children often have to go abroad to find work that the wheels are starting to fall off.

R122, but does their culture encourage people to respect each other? Because in the U.S. it doesn’t.

Parents are constantly telling their kids they’re stupid and worthless, or they didn’t want them and they ruined their lives. Reminding kids they hated their father, or the kids held them back from remarrying or having a rewarding career. There aren’t many parents saying thank you for cooking dinner, thank you for making my bed and washing my clothes. Instead, it’s “you owe me.” And they take out all their bitterness at the world on their kids. From birth to death.

Then there’s drug abuse and mental illness, which because of our poor health system, laws and anti-mental healthcare culture, often go untreated. If you’re from a family with a genetic predisposition to alcoholism and drug abuse (same gene), and there’s absolutely no way to commit someone against their will, they end up more and more feral as time goes on. And you’re not allowed to make them get treatment. Look at the Biden family. Biden has a lot of alcoholic ancestors. Biden doesn’t drink alcohol for that reason. Biden’s son has had a drug abuse problem. He’s a lifetime project for the family. But they are emotionally close. What if you were not close at all with that person, or they were hateful and aggressive towards you? Or violent? And you had no power to stop them from beating you or stealing from you if you let them in the house, and the police wouldn’t do anything? They never hit bottom.

The main difference is probably that healthcare is available. And people know they’re going to live with their family and maybe don’t burn their bridges as hard. Just wait until you get Q, it’s spreading over Europe. Those people burn bridges with glee, and scream and fight anybody they can reach.

R123 - I believe you're projecting your own experience to many Americans - and while there are many who share your experience, it definitely isn't the norm.

>>>And people know they’re going to live with their family and maybe don’t burn their bridges as hard. Just wait until you get Q, it’s spreading over Europe. Those people burn bridges with glee, and scream and fight anybody they can reach.

I think it's about survival, R122. But I don't know how they do it. Italians are very volatile.

What is Q?

[quote] Did anyone who is estranged from their family longterm (no contact w/ parents or sibling) still receive their inheritance when they passed? How were o contacted? Was it a surprise or did you assume you would get an inheritance regardless. I'm completely over my toxic family, but part of me still hopes I will get a substantial inheritance when they pass. Wishful thinking?

Yes, wishful thinking.

I think a lot of put up with shitty families because they're financially dependant, feel the need to have "someone to fall back on," or they're holding out for an inheritance.

Some people want it both ways: no contact AND financial benefits. People like that are probably as disagreeable as their families.

One must weigh their priorities: if freedom and peace outweigh the financial benefits of being under the thumb of some manipulative, abusive parent, then go for it and DO NOT expect anything from them financially, ever. If you're not able to stand on your own financially, or you want a higher standard of living that you can't get for yourself without parents' help, then you'll have to put up with it.

Both my sister's.

The youngest is a deadbeat hustler with 2 kids by 2 different dads. Told my other brother after she had the 2nd one, wasn't going to work and just "collect" checks.

My other sister. Well, let's see. Her crazy boyfriend tried to murder me in 2019 and I spent 5 days in the hospital. I tried to stop him from assaulting our parents.

Oh, and then last year after hearing she was verbally assaulting my mom again, I called her out on a very short text message. She then came over and vandalized my house and car. Caused over 5k in damage. She was screaming at me to come out and fight her. I called the police instead. If I would have went out there, I would have murdered her ass.

[quote] Did anyone who is estranged from their family longterm (no contact w/ parents or sibling) still receive their inheritance when they passed? ... I'm completely over my toxic family, but part of me still hopes I will get a substantial inheritance when they pass. Wishful thinking?

Yes, I think it's wishful thinking. I did inherit from an estranged grandparent via my father. My father predeceased that grandparent & I was my father's heir (along with my siblings). My grandparent had done a non-revocable trust in my father's favor (plus dad's siblings). So, there was no changing it.

My husband's family in European, however, R122, though I agree with you about Italian families, who are culturally closer, and usually live together, and for longer, in smaller houses or apartments.

My sense is rather than capitalism corrodes family structure (hardly surprising belief) and this is why so many families fall apart after the death of parents, during the distribution of the often meager assets. In my case my brothers assumed full control of the process and didn't even bother to provide an accounting (I think they worried if they did this they might be fiscally liable). For my part, I didn't care about money, since I've been successful in my career, but rather expected to be part of this final process as we had all worked to keep my parents at home until their deaths. They also had an estate sale without consulting me, of course, and sold off any family heirloom without allowing me to buy it. It confirmed by belief that capitalism has atomized families into selfish nuclear structures based on property ownership and inheritance.

My parents cast me out when I told them I was gay. Cut me off. Completly. I no longer go home for x-mas - I have my family here in LA. Funny thing my parents were never that religious. My brother reached out to me a few years ago and we reconnected but even he cannot turn my parents. My mom had cancer and I went to visit her in the hospital because my brother thought she was going to die. She told me to leave, I already killed her. That was it for me. I cunted out and told him "you have one son now. I am dead to you," she said "You have been dead a long time" Now I know where i get my cuntiness from.

Because this is presumably largely a gay board, the magnitude of parent/child estrangement would be significantly higher. Hopefully that will change in the future.

My late partner's daughter -- so not a blood relative, but still. I nursed her Dad through small cell lung cancer and she seemed supportive and made visits regularly, despite a job and kids of her own. She was super nice to me in the days leading up to his memorial service and I let her cherry-pick his expensive camera equipment because she shared that interest and understood how to use it all. It wasn't like I was acting like 'Lord Bountiful'. But after that, I heard NOTHING from her. Even when I sent her letters on how to gain access to investment funds he'd left her and her husband and kids. It's always puzzled me, but after trying a few times to connect with her and failing, I let go of it. But almost thirteen years later, it still bugs me.

Do you honestly think the British royal family is as dysfunctional and abusive as the Markles, r101?

I think Meghan Markle has had much tougher breaks and shitty relatives than Harry and maybe Harry-Meghan didn't have to go to such extremes.

And YES -- partners leading you to different decisions and values is absolutely a thing.

You become like the person you marry and adopt many of their values and thinkings.

R133, that was my point, that because Meghan Markle was so used to family estrangement she pushed Harry to separate from his family/friends/country at lightning speed, something he may never have even thought of before, when things didn't go as she wished.

R79

I stopped speaking to my mother when I was 28. She was incredibly toxic and both physically and emotionally abusive. To the "person" who said you have to accept family as they are - you do not and should not. After I told my mother I was molested by my paternal grandfather at the age of nine - she called me a slut and said I must have done something to 'entice' him. I was nine...

Some monsters give birth to us sadly. Anyhow my mother is long dead and I am now sober and very happily married. I just wish I had cut her out of my life sooner. I couldn't begin to heal until I did.

To the “family is forever” anti-estrangement folks in this thread: I’m glad you haven’t been hurt by the people who (theoretically) should always love you. The rest of us aren’t as lucky, and we need to distance ourselves from these toxic cunts. Some of us have tried for years to reconcile. Sometimes it really is hopeless.

Are any of the people who posted horror stories Generation X or younger?

I just wonder if it's gotten better for LGBTs.

I'm 68 and my biggest regret is that I should have left my family at 18 and never looked back.

R124, I would hope it’s not everyone’s experience. Unfortunately, I know a lot of people with similar experiences, not just me. And worse, like the teenager I knew who was pimped out by her stepfather, and her mother looked the other way because she wanted his paycheck. She was told by him, do it, or I’m pimping out your nine year old sister. I’m not in touch with them any more, but I’m guessing there’s some estrangement. She moved in with an abusive boyfriend to get away from it. I don’t know what happened to her sister. She was a very sweet, innocent little girl.

R125, “Q” is a sort of contagious mental illness cult started by a couple of grifters on 4chan. They’ve moved it around a few times since then. They claim there are vast conspiracies between wealthy, influential people like the Clintons, George Soros, Tom Hanks and many others. Supposedly these people torture, murder and eat babies for their “adrenochrome,” which is supposed to make them stay eternally young. One look at any of these people and you can see they’re aging normally.

They also claim there are vast numbers of pedophiles everywhere, rings run by famous politicians and movie stars. In their minds, virtually every celebrity is a child rapist, unless they support Trump. They believe Trump is trying to hunt down and have arrested all these celebrities and politicians, any minute now. Trump was sent by God to save the world from pedophiles. I’m not kidding. They really believe this. The theory that Trump is still President and will arrest a lot of bad people, including Biden, and triumphantly return is from Qanon as well. Once they get brainwashed into it, they spend more and more time on the internet, “researching,” and compulsively tell everyone they know about these theories non-stop. Anyone who disagrees is labeled pro-child rape and cut off, including family. Many families have been broken up over this. The man who was responsible for this originally lives in the Philippines, and around October allegedly posted that he was done, but the damage was done. Now wild, irrational theories are all over the internet, even worse than before. I’ve read people that work in the NSA and CIA think the real culprit now is Russian disinformation, seeking to sow chaos.

The people who subscribed to this at first were ignorant pro-Trump gullible suckers, but it’s now spreading worldwide to other continents. I’ve read it’s in Germany, England, Canada and even Australia now. Be prepared.

Please read the link and familiarize yourself with their arguments. Many people don’t even realize these strange theories their family members are suddenly familiar with come from Qanon. And it’s not a joke, or a few silly people, countless families have been broken up. It’s common for them to become abusive.

I like Carrie Fisher's description of her family dynamic as like trees growing around each other.

R141, that was a family that had public arbitration. Abusive families need privacy and fear.

How many homeschool activists are monsters who don’t want to be called out for inhuman behavior using weaponized Christianity?

R142 hit the nail on the head. The less the parents can function in reality, the more they want their kids totally isolated from anyone who doesn’t subscribe to their particular mental illness or cult.

Parental estrangement is very taboo. I have tried lying about it, than being very open about it and neither really felt right. Now I've come up with a quick answer somewhere in the middle. I definitely feel judged and it can be an issue with dating. I find that either guys I meet are totally mamma's boys or are in the closet. I'm an old millennial at 40, so this does happen in younger generations.

I moved far away from my mother when I was 25, even though it meant stepping away from money and security. She was an extremely toxic person, probably due to childhood poverty, neglect and abuse. She played every sibling off against the others and was always the victim, so naturally we couldn't stand each other. It was like crabs in a barrel. I'm glad I had friends who encouraged me to move across the nation and get out of that mess. Without that shove who knows where I'd be?

And I agree with those who say it's hard to impossible to reach any kind of mental health while you're still involved with an abusive family. I was depressed for many years because I was suppressing all the natural feelings of anger and hurt I had toward my family.

I purposefully did not give details of my estrangement story because I recognize that NONE of it was my fault. I didn't ask to be born into a dysfunctional, addicted situation or to try and live 'normally' during the holocaust of psychological and physical abuse my siblings and I endured. For all their dysfunction as adults, I recognize the source and that they are deeply wounded people. They were/are caught in a cycle and there was and is nothing I could do.

I've tried over the years and it's tragic that the very people who could help, if healthy, are estranged because they are not and through no fault of their own.

The common denominator was, and still IS, the addiction issue. Either we cknowledged it was happening in our own lives and carrying the dysfunction forward, or we ignored it to maintain some 'facade' of normalcy. Both ways did nothing to heal or grow.

It took years for me to get off the circular treadmill and as much as I'd love to have a family to share my life going forward, I realized I had to 'choose' who my family is. Too much of my life was spent feeling I was trapped with that family and those experiences.

I will add one more thing. I NEVER reveal this information to anyone I want to be friends with. I've recognized what feeds a good relationship and re-telling a history of abuse is best done with a therapist. Those of us who've gone through these experiences often have a condition called Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and it differs from PTSD in very marked ways that are significant to treatment. We have a tendency to place ourselves in situations where we are repeatedly traumatized as a result of low-self esteem and resultant mental health issues, do not have a safe recollection of life to reference back to during treatment or in our daily lives.

As for reaching out to family and shutting doors....it's complicated. I keep trying and find myself having to retreat and there comes a time when even that is too much. I have no regrets in not contacting them further. They know where I live, my address, my number. My parents are dead and we can choose, as adults, to be loving and respectful. They knew my very reasonable terms and chose otherwise.

Strong boundaries are not a joke with CPTSD sufferers (yes, DL, I'm stating 'em). It's ok to not have contact with family members who don't respect the damages done. We tend to be the ones who get 'taken in', out of guilt or some sense of obligation, in both familial and personal relationships that are toxic. I urge everyone to understand where you are in an 'estranged' situation and treat yourself with loving care by putting down the regret and knowing you are doing what is best for yourself. Ultimately, that is all anyone can do.

Raises hand.

R147, it’s also a good idea not to tell people, because a lot of them assume if you’re not in contact with family, it’s because you’re the problem and your family got rid of you because you’re so awful. I just tell people now, I don’t have family.

Agreed R147. Many people with supportive, loving families perceive people from dysfunctional families as second-class citizens, no matter how decent and kind they may be.

It's that "apple doesn't fall far from the tree" bullshit.

R147 were it not for the addiction as root issue, you could be my aunt.

She, and my other several aunts & ucles, cut off my father (their brother) and mother and me & my little sister many years ago, after a soured dispute about my grandmother’s will. I was particularly close to my aunt, who was glass-closeted (of course, I didn’t realise that as a little kid), and helped my parents to raise us (we all lived on the same farm compound).

So it broke me & my sister’s heart when she just cut us off. The worst part was, t wasn’t a total no-contact—she still sent us birthday cards every year until we were 21, which I’m sure was well-intentioned but just felt like a cruel little mindfuck.

Once, when we were in highschool, me & sis tried to visit her and ask her to be in our lives again because we missed her. We met her in a public place, and she told us to get lost. My sister cried bitterly for days. Bear in mind, this was the woman who helped our parents raise us, who we saw every day of our childhood.

After that, I adopted a ‘fuck you next’/‘punch and delete’ attitude to pretty much everyone in my life. My relationship problems didn’t start with my aunt—I had interrupted formative rearing (a disabled sibling born when I was a toddler, now dead), my father is rejecting, and I was bullied all through school—but she certainly hammered the final nail in the coffin. I know I have deep-seeded and complex trust issues and that it’s not healthy, but how am I to resolve them when my only tangible formative gay role model did that? Sometimes I don’t know how I’m even still existing as a human.

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

R150, I agree. If you’re the one with no family, you’re the culprit, these people think.

I had a friend I’d known a few years. We were talking about our past histories, I gave a very whitewashed version of the real story, which is actually pretty bad if you’re from a normal family, and suddenly she got very offended. She apparently thought I was lying to get pity from her or something. Why I would want pity from her, I have no idea. I thought I was doing okay, after a long struggle. Not really pitiable.

If she had heard the parts I didn’t tell her, God knows what she would’ve thought. My childhood was shit, if I left all the bad parts out I would have to say, I was born, then I moved out.

We never spoke again. And I don’t talk about my family or past any more. I will say, she made me realize everything that happened to me before a certain age is totally unacceptable for genteel frauish ears to hear about, so that’s good to know.

We had some problems with our daughter

But I...um, took care of the problem.

I started this thread, because I was molested by my father from the age of about 3 to 9. It fucked me up. When I finally told my Mom as a teenager, she told my Dad, who told my brother as well as his side of the family.

They all accused me of lying, except for my mother, who believed me. They divorced when I was 12.

I haven't see my father in 17 years. I hope I never do. I still have nightmares where he's there and I can't stand it. My brother hates me and I am done trying to convince him I'm not lying. We haven't talked in over a year and then only sporadically for the past 17 years, due to my "allegations".

My paternal grandma died and I didn't even know until I Googled her.

Fuck them all.

This has been an interesting thread, and I thank the OP for starting it. I'm saddened to hear about the father's sexual abuse of the OP. On a different note, however, the threat suggests that most gay children -- of a certain generation, but continuing -- are subjected to a form of family abuse because of their sexual orientation. Parents are usually hostile, siblings are at best indifferent: one is either destroyed or develops a protective carapace, which brings its own problems. Everybody should be loved, but in a profound way, different from all other minorities with the possible exception of trans people, I suppose, gay children have to navigate rejection and indifference before they can live their lives fully.

I am reminded of Russell T. Davis excellent series "It's a Sin" Excellent because he allowed his rage over parental and sibling rejection to give the show its emotional force. In my view, the series was only incidentally about AIDS: its true subject was cruelty and indifference, especially by mothers. It was painful for me to watch it and took a few days for me to fully recover.

Families (nuclear & extended) are a culture unto themselves. If you are estranged from one person in your family, especially if it's the lynchpin, you become estranged from the entire culture / family. Nobody wants to go against the grain; everybody (or most people) are vested and want to stay a "dues-paying member" of the family.

Nobody wants to stand up against things that have been going wrong for decades.

I talk to my immediate family and that is it. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, etc, are either dead as far as I’m concerned or actually dead.

Just because someone is related to you by blood doesn’t mean they are automatically good people. Far from it actually. I don’t need that bad energy in my life.

R157, that’s especially true if the mother is financially dependent on the father. Everyone shuts up because it’s all about money. Even the kids know they can’t tell because of money.

R4 You confirmed what I always imagined - that step-relatives will almost never treat you like actual family no matter what. So grateful I never had to deal with that shit.

R21 She said that in front of you? You should have knocked her teeth out. And I don’t give a fuck if she is a “girl.” Say words like that and you better be prepared to get knocked out male or female.

My mother kicked me out when I was a teenager. She put my clothes in black garbage bags and told me to get out..I haven't seen my parents in over 34 years since I was a kid...Could care less. Both of them are wandering around a nursing home now. My brother keeps me updated via FB. When they kick the bucket it really won't mean anything to me. Sad to say but I honestly have no emotional feelings for them at all.

R162 Was it for being gay? Did she treat your brother better?

R163 = Yes. Because I was gay. Even more insane, my mother (after kicking me out) went to my high school--which I was still going--and removed me from enrollment. So one day I went to school and they called me into the principals office and told me I could not return because I wasn't living at home. I was too humiliated to tell them my mother kicked me out. I honestly believe she told my father that I ran away from home but I swear I didn't. As soon as my Dad left for work that day she threw me out. As for my siblings, I have an older brother and then a sister. My brother was treated like gold and my sister was not. My sister died from cancer a few years ago and we talked about our mother. My sister always wondered why our brother didn't seem to talk or acknowledge what she and I went thru and I told her that's just his way of coping with it. He and his wife never had kids and I honestly believe seeing our crazy mother was the reason he never wanted kids. My father was just passive and ignored what was happening.

R164 I wish I could give you a hug 🤗. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I hope that great things have happened in your life since then.

Same for all the rest of you that were rejected for being gay - I wish I could give you all a hug. If there’s one thing I can be grateful for it’s that my immediate family always accepted me. I just don’t see how parents can do that to their own child.

R160, Same here, pretty much the way R4 says. My mom kept saying to all of us, you’re a family, blah blah. Really pushed it for years. Steps all agreed, as long as she was healthy. When she was going through her final illness, the knives came out. One was really incredibly nasty to me when she was dying, the kind you don’t come back from. Basically saying, you’re not my family and I want nothing to do with you. Right when our mother was seriously ill, so great timing. The other one took off and I didn’t hear from them again unless they wanted something.

My mother pushing that “we are family” idea was incredibly damaging because they had to come out and blatantly say, fuck off before I realized they weren’t my family, because I was so brainwashed. No one should tell their kid that. Steps are too different and often have nothing in common. And if someone is pushing the idea that they are going to stick around, it’s so humiliating to be treated like that. It’s like having ice cold water thrown in your face.

R117, what will probably happen is one parent dies or they divorce, and the second spouse will get the entire inheritance. That’s so common. Both men and women marry these obvious gold diggers and leave them 90% of the estate, when their only contribution was to alienate the whole family and pit them against each other, or try to separate the person from their children and any other family members who are going to call it out. My dad was separated from everyone, including his elderly parents. He went along with whatever she wanted, bragging about all the great sex he was having. His family was disgusted and it permanently damaged their relationships, which was sad because they were all old and had always gotten along really well and had been close, with never an argument between them.

It was hard for me to watch my mother scrimp and save, try to run a household on inadequate funds, and go without everything so we kids could have school clothes and shoes, because my dad was “saving” for the future, and then he hid funds in relatives’ accounts so she got nothing. When his second wife came along, they were spending like drunken sailors. All that money my mom sacrificed to make went into the second wife and her family’s pockets.

R167 - That is totally what I expect, except my mother (who I am also estranged from due to her complicit ways) fought hard against my dad in their divorce. She managed to outsmart him and ended up doing very well. Divorces expose the true nature of family and the hypocrisy on all the lessons they tried to teach growing up. Don't be materialistic, don't be greedy, have integrity - that went out the door the minute they each retained lawyers. It was actually shocking because it actually validated they were as horrible as I thought. They were average middle class, early 20-somthings when they married and built everything while they were together. They divorced close to retirement, my mom never worked. My dad married a gold digger in her late 40's when he was in his 60's. Thankfully she has no children, but I imagine she will get everything. It's now about 10 years later. I haven't talked with my dad in 7 years and my mom in 9-10 years. I remember my dad telling me that I should be "kissing your mother's ass because she is still getting payments". My mom is definitely the "Mommie Dearest fuck you for reasons you well know" type, so I am really hoping my dad has a conscious. I am trying to emotionally prepare myself for being disinherited, but deep in my mind there is still that deluded notion that I will inherit a substantial amount because my dad will feel guilty for how he treated us, see the error of his ways. No matter how you prepare, I am sure I will lose it when the time comes. My sister and I also don't speak, but I am hoping we will join forces for a take down when the time comes. She's a greedy bitch, too.

R151, I'm so sorry that happened to you and it seem particularly cruel to have met you only to do that. You were not to blame for that and her rejection is about her and not you. She is incapable at this time of forming those bonds and knew it. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

I will pass on this gem and hope it brings you some comfort and some explanation going forward: the root of all anger is unmet expectation. I wish you greater fulfillment and self-understanding going forward.

I had posted that I was basically a sobbing mess through all of HBO Max's "It's a Sin". I also posted on here that I am completely estranged from my family. I'm the next generation from that series, but I left my family when I knew they wouldn't accept me and never looked back. It makes me terribly sad that it is the way it is, but it's the only way. When I saw the way these men were treated by their families in the show, reclaimed and stashed away to die in their childhood bedrooms, I would have told my parents to drop dead and have them escorted out of the hospital. That's not unconditional love. There was a great monologue from the female protagonist, where she says that the shame inflicted by these parents was why these boys died. They were ashamed of who they were, they were ashamed they liked gay sex, they were ashamed of this disease that they just kept passing it on. It's all a shame. While I am horrified by all the divide and the current sociopolitical culture, the one silver lining is that the 18 year old Gen Z kids will hopefully never have to experience getting kicked out of their house or killing themselves with drugs and alcohol to hide who they are. It seems like Gen X and now Millennial parents have learned from mistakes of the past.

I was about to start this new thread but see we had something very similar (this one) recently.....

8 years now and I've never missed them. I feel much better for not being in contact. When I was in contact they would just make me feel horrible. Even just seeing or reading an email would bring up so many negative feelings. It is not worth it. I'm pretty sure I'm done with them for life.

I'm not sure how I'll feel when my Dad dies; I wonder, sometimes. Relief? Maybe.

Did anyone ever get an apology from a parent? If you became estranged from a parent or sibling, did they ever ask why?

3 days before my Dad died, I went to MCP hospital in East Falls(Philly) to visit. I hadn't seen him in over 20 yrs and dressed in my best suit that I knew he would know how expensive it was. I sat there watching him sleep(morphine) for about 15 minutes. Then I took the roll of masking tape, taped over his mouth,and got out a sewing needle-stuck it under his toe and fingernails( like he did to me as a child), And watched him scream into the tape, then he saw me and stopped. I took out the needles,ripped off the tape and said" How does that feel old man" And he says"oh its ur faggot ass-wtf u want" I told him, I wanted to hear u scream in pain...it was sooo worth it. Then I left the hospital, went to neighborhood bar(Billy Murphy's on Indian Queen Ln) and got drunk-blowjob in the mens room.

My younger brother must be at least partially autistic. We lived 10 minutes apart for the previous decade (I recently moved), seeing each other a handful of times. We don't dislike each other, but aside from topic of relatives, we have very little in common.

Anyone here disinherited? If so, did you sue the estate?

My brother. Too much bitterness and drama whenever he reads his head.

So many religious nutbag family members mentioned in this thread... Jeez. Religion really does ruin everything, does it not?

Not since I made none of them exist anymore, OP. Hey, wanna come over for some iced coffee!?

[quote) ... dressed in my best suit that I knew he would know how expensive it was...Then I took the roll of masking tape, taped over his mouth,and got out a sewing needle-stuck it under his toe and fingernails( like he did to me as a child), And watched him scream into the tape, then he saw me and stopped. I took out the needles,ripped off the tape and said" How does that feel old man" And he says"oh its ur faggot ass-wtf u want" I told him, I wanted to hear u scream in pain...it was sooo worth it.

Yes! I think to myself that I could beat my dad to a pulp without much effort. Kind of like the unfair advantage of an adult and child. I want to wear sunglasses and ridiculously expensive suit to his funeral (depending on inheritance) and then drop bombshells in my eulogy.