Parents? Siblings? How long and how do you feel?
Are any of you estranged from family?
|by Anonymous||reply 60||Last Monday at 6:19 PM|
I haven't spoken to my mother (except once or twice accidentally at my nana's before she died) since I was 13, 35+ years ago. Sister, same deal. Aunt 27 years. Cousin tried but unfortunately family ties means nothing to me and the idea of having a relationship with someone who has a relationship with those other family members just wasn't worth it.
I think in most ways I am a better person for it. I don't believe you can have relationships with deadly toxic, dangerous people and not become one (or a victim, or both). I also don't understand why people constantly hate their families but also prioritize them. seems like needlessly wasted energy to me but, everyone does it so it must just be something missing in me.
|by Anonymous||reply 1||02/08/2021|
Older brother, five years and counting. He and wife are "stadium-style seating" evangelicals...I just can't. Got the whole "Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve" sh*t from him. Life's too short.
|by Anonymous||reply 2||02/08/2021|
R2 What is stadium style seating? Evangelicald?
|by Anonymous||reply 3||02/08/2021|
Step-siblings. Got the cold shoulder from them after stepdad & then mom were both dead. I was 22 at that point & they were both older. I began to sense problems after my stepdad died when I was 14. Both stepsiblings are older than me & were in their 20s when the distancing started. I went to the same college they both did & my stepbrother stayed living in the same town after he graduated. Getting him to hang out was like pulling teeth. He wouldn't return calls. Always had excuses when I would reach him. Saw him maybe twice a year, sometimes just by running into him at a bar or something.
For years I just expected that they, my older siblings, would just always be there for me. I eventually went to therapy to deal with it. I came to the realization that I just wasn't wanted around. Their mom had remarried & had three more kids, so they had an entire family. I just had them. Then I didn't. Haven't talked to either in a few years.
|by Anonymous||reply 4||02/08/2021|
All 3 siblings for over 15 years now. I'm 53, the youngest by 11 years. They made my life hell from day one. My only regret is I didn't do it much, much sooner. Since day one actually. My mum and dad had already popped their clogs 20 years ago, so I don't know why I waited longer than I had to even on the concern (that I didn't give a fuck about really) that it would "kill my mother".
|by Anonymous||reply 5||02/08/2021|
As free as Julie fucking Andrews dancing on that mountain.
|by Anonymous||reply 6||02/08/2021|
R5, same same. As designated janitor, it took five years to shake the ghosts loose and move on.
|by Anonymous||reply 7||02/08/2021|
I haven't talked to my father in 21 years (I was 19). My parents divorced when I was 5 and I spent two weekends a month with him and several weeks over the summer until he moved several states away when I was 15; I only saw him twice after that. He was a self involved person and I don't think either of us enjoyed being around each other much. I didn't return a couple of his calls and he quit calling.
|by Anonymous||reply 8||02/08/2021|
I was booted out at 17 by the step-father. Had occasional contact with mother but had to come to terms with the fact that she really was a cold, highly manipulative person and was astoundingly selfish. Older brother (2 years) was a brutal, physical bully. Younger half brother (by 10 years) was filled with light and love but died young.
The only one left is the older brother and it has been 40 years since we've spoken. We really do just hate each other.
The thing was I always seemed to make friends with kids that came from big families, so there was something about family life that I desired.
|by Anonymous||reply 9||02/08/2021|
Someday, I hope.
|by Anonymous||reply 10||02/08/2021|
Some of you sound angry.
I accept family members for what they are.
|by Anonymous||reply 11||02/08/2021|
|by Anonymous||reply 12||02/08/2021|
R11, how nice. For you.
|by Anonymous||reply 13||02/08/2021|
Why are you even posting in this thread r11?
|by Anonymous||reply 14||02/08/2021|
For me, it is much the same as noted above by others. After therapy, a few key deaths, growing older, and realizing I was the one putting in all the work, I just started letting go. There is still some hurt on my part (maybe some on theirs?), but I’m much better off. The estranged ones are all Trumptards and Evangelicals. I think we regard each other as freaks of nature. I realize I have my husband, our kids, and I take life for what it is. I do have decent relationships with most of the family though. I just refuse to apologize for who I am, act like I am less than, or put up with their bullshit. Life is way too short.
|by Anonymous||reply 15||02/08/2021|
Not completely estranged, but not in close contact. Part of the reason is one particularly abusive sibling.
|by Anonymous||reply 16||02/08/2021|
I have R11 blocked.. seems like it was a good choice. Carry on.
- Only child, not estranged but most of my extended family and I are not close and don't speak regularly. I am (extremely) close with my parents, and then kind of close to an aunt, small handful of cousins. There is no particular bad blood, but… We just don't really talk, interact or get together with each other. At all. I do wish it was different. We were closer when I was younger but everyone has drifted off into their own worlds.
|by Anonymous||reply 17||02/08/2021|
[quote] Why are you even posting in this thread [R11]?
Evidently he saw it as an opportunity to congratulate himself.
|by Anonymous||reply 18||02/08/2021|
I used to hang out all the time with my younger cousin I would visit him once a fortnight for a few hours playing video games etc. then he started University and he stopped returning my messages. I now see him maybe once a year at family gatherings.
I know it’s not the same as the other posts in the thread but it makes me sad that we were once so close and now nothing.
I understand though. what Uni student wants to hang out with their older cousin. People grow and change.
|by Anonymous||reply 19||02/08/2021|
My aunt is a crazy lady who thinks she is Samantha on Bewitched. Her and her family are rabid right winger MAGA types. She raised her kids as fanatics and home-schooled them. They turned into total MAGA white trash, even though my aunt's mom was a liberal. She has never been a cunt to me directly nor have my two cousins but I just can't with the shit that comes out of their mouth. I blocked my cousins on all social media because they embarrass me. My aunt posts all these fake posts to seem like a sweet lady when in fact I know she is essentially a Nazi psycho but, since she was always super "nice" to me as a kid when I had colitis, I haven't blocked her and also, her husband helped me move and is essentially like a pussy-whipped Burt Reynolds look-alike who worships at the altar of this obese nut job. I don't want to hurt his or her feelings because they helped me along the way but fuck, I hate their beliefs and just unfollowed them and never see them or talk to them. My parents and sister also gave up keeping in touch or seeing them except on social media because we are totally liberal and it's incompatible.
R11 is a douche.
|by Anonymous||reply 20||02/08/2021|
I also have a lovely story that happened when the pandemic started when I was called a "faggot". My roommate is super outgoing and her cousin is a right-wing Trump-loving cunt who is part of the extreme right wing Hungarian party. So this bitch moved to the UK to work as a medical assistant with the elderly and cheated on her husband and got pregnant by an English bus driver who is 47 - lovely guy but struggles with his weight and scoliosis. My roommate was super nice to her thinking "oh, she grew up in a poor country" so she bought her son expensive designer baby clothes and always lent her money. Also, she befriended the said English bus driver because they are both HUGE fans of Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd and Queen and talk relentlessly about English rock bands and movies. So this bitch said "don't talk to my boyfriend, just talk to that faggot, you miserable skinny bitch". She cut her cousin off completely. I think the cousin is secretly jealous, as are all fat frau of people who are happy or liberated so I said let her wallow in her venom and forget it.
|by Anonymous||reply 21||02/08/2021|
R3, I assume "stadium-style seating evangelical" means they go to a huge mega-church with thousands of seats. They tend to have very Fire & Brimstone type preachers and not be very progressive to say the least.
|by Anonymous||reply 22||02/08/2021|
I haven't seen nor spoken to my two sisters since 2009. They've always gossiped about everyone so I knew they gossiped about me, but when I found out how bad it was - my older sister decided I was a child molester, all because of something she thought she saw when I was twelve - 12! (and of course she was wrong, about both things), I realized they had crossed a line that couldn't be repaired. I forgave them (with no apology from either one), but I also knew I never wanted to have anything to do with them again.
The first few years I got angry, indignant letters and messages (that I ignored). Eventually they must have realized that I really wanted nothing to do with them, and after 9 years my younger sister finally left a msg on my voicemail saying she was sorry. By then I was long past caring, so it meant nothing to me.
When you get to a place where nothing someone says can hurt you or move you in any way, it's a liberating feeling.
|by Anonymous||reply 23||02/08/2021|
There's an eight year age gap between myself, the youngest, and a cluster of older brothers. I know that there are many families in which the baby is embraced but that was not my case. I tried for years to establish a positive adult relationship with them but it never worked -- resentment (I have been successful in my career while they have not) mingled with the ghost of childhood exclusion. In the end I just gave up and when I did so I was finally able to recognize their indifference, something that I found strangely liberating.
That said, I am still moved by films with loving fraternal relationships (I wept when I saw Lion, about the little Indian boy who lost his older brother) so I suppose that there is still unfinished business. But it won't be resolved for me.
|by Anonymous||reply 24||02/08/2021|
[quote]I accept family members for what they are.
Accepting awful people doesn't mean you have to interact with them.
|by Anonymous||reply 25||02/08/2021|
Once upon a time disease, war, and nature provided convenient exit stories for siblings. “Oh, yes. She was a shit and then she died giving birth to the odd-looking kid over there.”
|by Anonymous||reply 26||02/09/2021|
I have had no contact with the Magats side and only limited contact with the Bible thumpers side for over ten years. I almost feel like I must have been adopted as my values are the complete opposite of theirs.
|by Anonymous||reply 27||02/09/2021|
“You killed my sister with your huge head, Jimmy. Thanks!”
|by Anonymous||reply 28||02/09/2021|
I cut my youngest sibling loose (eventually) after our second parent died. No real rapport ever, but I naively thought bereavement might improve what relationship there was. In fact the ugliest true colours came out, shamelessly.
So toxic to my mental and physical health I needed to let go absolutely at the soonest practical opportunity. No regrets at all, I feel cleaner for the absence. Clueless other family members express 'regret' at the (permanent) estrangement, but they weren't there.
|by Anonymous||reply 29||02/09/2021|
My oldest brother after my father died. He’s an angry, selfish, know-it-all cunt. Brutalized me physically as a kid. Then years later, he married a psychotic alcoholic piece of cockney trash who in a drunken rage accused my partner and me of wanting to molest their son. Ya know, cuz we’re gay.
I’m not religious but I do hope they both burn in hell.
|by Anonymous||reply 30||02/09/2021|
I walked away from my family years ago. My mother destroyed my brothers and sister's life, they are just broken. My mother started supplementing her income through dealing drugs. She really brought the neighborhood down. I became very suspicious that my brother was actually murdered by my nephew, it was just a horrifying situation.
About a year after I stopped having anything to do with them I realized that my life-long depression was gone for good. It was something I had struggled with for years.
It really didn't bother me when I got the news my mom had died. I felt worse when my cat died.
|by Anonymous||reply 31||02/09/2021|
My father and I haven’t spoken in 10ish years. His closet racism slowly came out of the closet and just kept getting worse. Once he called me and said something racist, blatantly ignorant, and incredibly stupid about Obama, I just went off, and hung up. He called once a year or so later, and brought it up again in a weird, taunting way. I hung up again, and that was it. I cannot allow that shit in my life. I have no siblings, and my mom died at an early age.
|by Anonymous||reply 32||02/09/2021|
I was kicked out at 17, and told to never come back. Being a dutiful son, I followed their instructions to the letter. Fast forward 45 years, I never spoke to my mother or her husband ever again. After the Internet, my siblings have made half-hearted attempts to contact me (for money), but I never responded to their efforts. I was the youngest of 5. They inherited everything, why should I “lend” them money?
I have no curiosity about them at all. It was an alcohol-fueled, abusive childhood. Y mother and her husband were monsters, raising monsters-to-be. In hindsight, the best thing that could have happened to me was being shoved out and escaping their madness. I thank them every day for escaping small town hell.
|by Anonymous||reply 33||02/09/2021|
Funny you should ask...
|by Anonymous||reply 34||02/09/2021|
I haven't spoken to my biological mother in probably thirteen years. But no matter -- I was adopted and didn't meet her until I was 19. And I've heard of very few adoptees who reconnected with biological parents and had a good relationship with them.
I feel nothing toward her, really. Nor do I feel anything toward my biological siblings.
I love my real mother with all my heart, and (as I've mentioned elsewhere on the DL) slowly losing her to early-onset Alzheimer's is one of the hardest things in life I've experienced.
I'm not sure I will feel much when my birth mother dies.
|by Anonymous||reply 35||02/09/2021|
I haven't spoken to or laid eyes upon my older brother and sister since 1995. Our last meeting was at the estate attorney's office closing out my parent's estate. We each had our own attorneys there and they both tried to pull a fast one to get more than our parent's wills stipulated. They got slapped down very quickly and sat there the rest of the time pouting. We haven't spoken since. Although my brother's bitch frau fake Christian hypocrite wife does send me a Christmas card every year with the BS line "come see us" written on it. I've been very tempted many times to send it back with FUCK BOTH OF YOU written across it in magic marker.
|by Anonymous||reply 36||02/09/2021|
A bitter and angry legal dispute over our mother's estate has led to a permanently fractured family. And I don't care. I would rather not see them or talk to them anyway, considering who they are as people. Other than your parents, get as far away from your birth family as possible.
|by Anonymous||reply 37||02/09/2021|
I still don't talk to my sister, Joan. She knows to stay on her side of The Great Beyond.
|by Anonymous||reply 38||02/09/2021|
I cut my Dad out after he did a lot of financial crimes (and other shady shit which he wasn't prosecuted for) and lied about it for years, which put my mom in a fragile emotional state. She tried to divorce but he dragged it out for years so she couldn't testify against him. He never owned up to what he did - even after he was in prison - so I noped out.
I tried to re-engage with him 10 years later. I visited him and his new wife a couple of times and it was just a repeat of the verbal abuse and belittlement that he did with my mom. He still did not own up to anything he has done wrong and I realized he's a manipulative, controlling, narcissist asshole and it's not going to improve my life.
The problem is that all of these people who are cut off - invariably, they think YOU are the asshole. Or if they are MAGAs, it's that you're a brainwashed liberal.
Their lack of self-awareness and perspective is what all of these people have in common - and a lack of remorse or acknowledgment of past wrongs. A good, heart-felt apology goes SO FAR - but people like this are not capable of it.
|by Anonymous||reply 39||02/09/2021|
I have not spoken to my sisters in 10 years and can honestly say they have been the BEST 10 years of my life.
|by Anonymous||reply 40||02/09/2021|
I don’t have any contact with my father. He was sexually/physically/emotionally abusive and selfish growing up, and I tried to give him a chance to apologize in a letter where I explained my feelings (I was an adult by then). He wrote back like 3-5 years later saying he did the best he could and god this and that. If sexual abuse of your oldest child is “the best [you] can do,” and then you deflect with god talk, you don’t belong in anyone’s life.
I didn’t let him go to my mom’s funeral last year (they were divorced). I don’t hate him, but I don’t regret my decision to cut him off, although my sisters don’t understand and think I should forgive and forget like they did, which causes conflict at times.
|by Anonymous||reply 41||02/09/2021|
R41 - let me guess - no apology or acknowledgement of his wrong doings or how it impacted you, correct?
|by Anonymous||reply 42||02/09/2021|
If I had come out I would have been disowned by my Dad. He used the word queer to describe gay people. I stayed in the closet for years. The funny part is I was the only sibling (total of 4) who took him in when he had broken his hip and was on his last legs. He couldn't believe that I would do that for him. Over the 11 months that he lived with me our relationship softened a great deal. My family knew how he treated me earlier in my life and were surprised I would take him, but he was my father and he did raise me. I think it worked out for all of us.
|by Anonymous||reply 43||02/09/2021|
I had a brother 9 years older than me who was killed in war when I was 12. I also have a sister 6 years older than me who was the high school beauty queen. I adored her. I don't remember much about my brother, at all, but my sister is still around. I have tried over the years to cultivate a relationship with her, but I hear from her rarely, and usually only when I call. Sometimes, I hear from her every few years when she dumps some baggage on me or wants something. I have tortured myself all my life of why I wasn't good enough for her to like. But, after 60 years of this, I am tired of the guilt, so I am just leaving her alone. If she calls, I will lovingly answer, but she has to call.... this time.
|by Anonymous||reply 44||02/09/2021|
No...just emotionally. We have absolutely nothing in common, and my family are all too WASP-y in their mannerisms and aspirations (if not their finances, ha!), so we don't talk about anything unpleasant (meaning "real" or "controversial") - and have never been honest about feelings or warm enough for sincerity or real intimacy. Also, we don't touch. We limit discussions to "parlor talk" and discuss trivialities, and inoffensive topics, such as the weather or TV shows. I genuinely like them, but as a family, we're pretty hands-off and shallow. Sometimes, keeping the convo going is a challenge. (On the plus side, we never have arguments over holiday dinners, so...I guess it's not *such* a bad thing?) Sometimes I really wish we were Italian, Irish, or Mexican...
|by Anonymous||reply 45||02/09/2021|
I have several siblings. Father died first, Mom died about ten years later. After Mom died, we did drift apart.
Be aware, those of you who have living parents, when they both die, it's easy to drift from your siblings.
R44 and others who said that they were the ones initiating contact all the time: that was me as well. It gets really tiring and almost demoralizing. I stopped being the one to initiate contact all the time. I feel better now.
|by Anonymous||reply 46||02/09/2021|
My entire family is white trash. I haven't talked to my oldest half-brother since I was a teenager and the middle (I'm the youngest) in decades either. My mother is metally psychotic and a drug addict. I pushed myself to get a college scholarship and at 18 I left and never looked back.
My parents are divorced. My Dad is a religious nut job but we have a decent relationship.
I broke off contact with my toxic mother a decade ago and have no interest in having any kind of relationship with her or any other emotional vampire.
|by Anonymous||reply 47||02/09/2021|
Both my parents are dead(they were a piece of work), so there is no need to pretend to even like my siblings. We’re on different planets.
|by Anonymous||reply 48||02/09/2021|
So the key to all of this is - look at your parents and grandparents. How close were they with their siblings after the age of 35? Most likely, they were distanced and didn't spend that much time together.
|by Anonymous||reply 49||02/09/2021|
My mother has severe emotional problems bordering on mental illness I think. She's very manipulative and selfish and I feel like she mentally abused all of us including my dad and sister. I dont think it was intentional because she is so mentally off, at least I hope it's not. There ways always MAJOR drama and I just couldn't take it anymore, so much so that I didn't even go to my father's funeral lest she start something.
My sister is alone with her now and she probably has made her a nutcase too. I do blame my father and sister for never putting their foot down and doing something about it. I haven't seen or talked to them in over ten years. Sometimes you have to do what you have to do to survive.
|by Anonymous||reply 50||02/09/2021|
"Are any of you estranged from family?"
Why do you axe?
|by Anonymous||reply 51||02/09/2021|
I am super suspicious of people who have a close family particularly after the kids get married and then all the spouses need to be at matriarch and patriarch's for all holidays, birthdays, etc. And the also all vacation together twice a year. I don't think it's normal to be so attached to the family of origin and the parents shouldn't require it of their kids.
|by Anonymous||reply 52||02/10/2021|
My sisters and I were always at our parents’ home for their birthdays and holidays-Christmas, Easter, and Thanksgiving. One sister came out with her family every few years, as she lives across the country. My parents went to Hawaii for 3 months every year. We didn’t join them, but my cousins usually saw them there for a couple of weeks.
Growing up, we always spent Christmas with my father’s parents. My mother is Ukrainian so we celebrated Christmas Eve with my maternal grandparents on January 6. Easter is a much bigger celebration for Ukrainians, and that was always celebrated with my maternal grandparents, my aunt and cousins. I miss those traditions with all 4 of my grandparents, now that they’re long gone.
I am sorry posters here don’t have positive memories of their families, and I hope they have all found as much peace as is possible in this world.
|by Anonymous||reply 53||02/10/2021|
I cut off from my father and his family in 1994. He was toxic, and I knew if he stayed in my life he would find a way to drag me down with him. Alcoholic, cruel, and loathed his faggot son (me).
When I saw this thread, I googled him. Turns out he died last November. No word in 26 years and I’m glad this is how the story ends.
|by Anonymous||reply 54||02/17/2021|
No, not estranged. In fact, we all still live together in our childhood home in Virginia (well, umm, actually Burbank).
|by Anonymous||reply 55||02/17/2021|
My god, R54. Just want to give you a hug. I'm glad you cut him out. My best friend also found out her father died on the Internet. He pretty much disowned her for dating people outside of her race. Also, pretty cruel alcoholic. I wish I could say something more comforting. But she was and is better off with him out of her life.
|by Anonymous||reply 56||Last Monday at 12:43 PM|
I stopped talking to both my parents and younger sister about 25 years ago. Both my parents died within the last 2 years. Didnt go to my fathers funeral and wont go to my mothers. Never regretted it for an instant.
|by Anonymous||reply 57||Last Monday at 1:43 PM|
All of them. Over ten years ago. My life opened up, i created a supportive family of friends and i haven’t looked back. It’s all about self care.
|by Anonymous||reply 58||Last Monday at 2:40 PM|
Cut contact with father for 5 years and then I heard he died. It’s been 7 years since then and I have no regrets at all, it probably saved me years of agony.
|by Anonymous||reply 59||Last Monday at 2:45 PM|
Families are over rated, and often cause pain and sorrow.
|by Anonymous||reply 60||Last Monday at 6:19 PM|