Dirty Limericks

There was an old fellow from Leeds

Who swallowed a packet of seeds

Great tufts of grass

Shot out of his ass

And he couldn't sit down for the weeds.

I'll include another one. I'm a real limerick freak.

There was a young lady name Alice

Who peed in a Catholic chalice.

The padre agreed

'Twas done out of need,

And not out of Protestant malice.

'

In days of old, when knights were bold and rubbers weren’t invented.

They tied a sock around their cocks and fucked away contented.

Sweet Antoinette, you’re pants are wet. You say it’s sweat, it’s cum I’ll bet.

In all my dreams, your bare ass gleams, you’re the wrecker of my pecker, sweet Antoinette.

There once was a size queen from Frisco

who presented her hole at the disco.

She'd twirl and she'd charm

you up to the arm --

and broke some boys' legs, did Miss Crisco.

OP Yes, yes, we all saw the Crown.

An Argentine Gaucho named Bruno,

Declared, "There is one thing that I do know:

A woman is fine,

And a boy is divine,

But a llama is numero uno!"

Have you ever seen Hannah make water?

She pisses an elegant stream.

It's width is an inch and a quarter,

And you can't see Hannah for the steam.

There once was a whore from Morocco

who sat naked in every scirocco.

"How lovely," she said

with her legs widely spread

"it feels to air out my beef taco!"

There once was a plumber from Lee

Who was plumbing his girl by the sea

She said, Stop your plumbing,

There's somebody coming!

Said the plumber still plumbing... It's me!

A limerick is five lines, usually in anapestic meter, with a rhyme scheme of AABBA. Some of the ones posted aren't limericks.

There was a law student named Rex

Who had very small organs of sex.

When brought in for exposure,

He replied with composure,

"De minimis non curat lex."

r11 does this count?

My name is Honcho.

I wear a pancho.

I earn 2 pesos a day.

I go to see Lucy.

She give me her Poosie.

And she take my two pesos away!

There was shopbottom from Derry

with a mussy uncommonly hairy:

when she went to bed she

produced a machete

for her trick to locate her cherry.

R11 is very pedantic

Admonitions bordering on frantic

Despite all his rules

We suffer no fools

R11, suck a cock that's gigantic

Didn't we just do this thread a month ago?

There once was a DLer we’d confront

Who was always so easy to affront

She was told to expire

In a flaming grease fire

But only after she’d been kicked in the cunt.

Would someone teach these new-coming dolts (1) to double space when typing line breaks and (2) what a Limerick is?

I don't have the patience.

Brilliant! R17

some pretty good stuff on the fly! Bravo

There was a fat whore from DL

whose nethers were stinky as hell

"Please call Roto-Rooter,

there's a dead mouse in my cooter,

or my anus, it's too hard to tell."

bitches b clever

Please keep them coming.

We’ll remember the girl from the Bosporus,

Who once painted her cunt lips with phosphorous.

She lit up in the dark,

When her clit caught a spark,

And her absence has proved quite a loss for us.

The First Lady showed her gash

In photos in exchange for cash

Her poosey and tits

Got millions of hits

Not bad for a piece of trash!

There once was one Oscar Pistorius

for whom walking was somewhat laborious.

He wished his bird dead

and aimed for her head,

but the bullet lodged in her clitorius.

A wonderful bird is the pelican;

His beak can hold more than his belican.

He can hold in his beak

Enough food for a week,

Though I’m damned if I know how the helican!

There was a young lady from Exeter

So lovely that men craned their necks at her

A man so depraved

Disgustingly waved

The distinguishing part of his sex at her.

An ugly cunt called Marj Taylor Greene

Could not even pass as a drag queen

Though she looks like a dog

She harassed David Hogg

Which decent folk felt was obscene.

Linda Lavin, who played TV's Alice

Used a pipe bomb in place of a phallus.

They found half her vagina

In North Carolina

And the rest of her pussy in Dallas.

[quote]ass hole

Oh dear.

Titian, while mixing rose madder

Posed a nude high up on a ladder

Her position to Titian

Suggested coition

So he leapt up the ladder and had her.

A Dersh was a skeevy perv

who was made completely of nerve;

fed on by worms

like Jared he squirms

and waits for the end he deserves.

A crazy rich whore from Manila

While bedecked in her finest chinchilla

Was called to the zoo

Knowing just what to do

Serviced their bachelor gorilla.

There once was a hausfrau named Cheryl

whose kitty you'd meet at your peril.

Her opinions were vile

but her vertical smile

mauled you worse than a grizzly bear'll.

There once was a selfish little girl from Boulder

she'd dress in tart's clothes and her eyes they would smolder

She was obnoxious and vain

and a conceited pain

so one Christmas we garotted and rolled her

There once was a man from Madras

Whose balls were constructed of brass.

When jangled together,

They played "Stormy Weather",

And lightening shot out of his ass.

There once was a star from M-Goldwyn

Whose singing and acting were golden

Then she discovered the pills

And their subsequent thrills

And the opportunists became quite emboldened

There once was a great silent star

Whose talents were known near and far

When the talkies came in

She became a has-been

With her chauffeur her only true spar.

There once was a spoilt girl from Brentwood

whose dear mother only ever meant good

Her name was Christina

she behaved like a little tsarina

And preferred tacky wire hangers to hard wood

The was an old harlot in Vail

who liked it the most up the tail.

Her battered caboose

got increasingly loose

and produced a nacreous trail.

There were two spinsters from Grimsby

Who wondered what use their quims be

The bit in the middle, was strictly for piddle

But what could the hair covered rims be?

(Anyone remember a series of joke books called “Rugby Jokes”? Any Brit eldergays remember those?)

There once was man from Nantucket

Whose cock was so big he could suck it

He said with grin as he wiped off his chin

If my ear was a pussy I'd fuck it

There once was a woman named Blanche Deverux

A slut who was a phenomenal fuck

She'd suck, she'd swallow

A pussy so hollow

Just ask traveling salesman named Chuck

There once was a man named Epstein

Who like nothing more than a young teen

They find him hanging in jail

And Ghislaine can’t make bail

And kick her son to the curb did the old queen

There once was a poster called Noodles

Who brought the whole kit and caboodle

Crass stereotypes

And nonsensical gripes

His ejection was really quite brutal.

Toots was a woman midtown

Who made all of the others slow down

With a slight little jab

(That was not quite a stab)

Noodles moved her along and uptown.

There once was a man with a mangina

who hated to vacation in China

his butt never got sore

cuz the guys there are a bore

and all the food there gave him Angina

Patricia, the whore, craved a cock-o

On a seafaring guy from Morocco

He said to her, "Trish

I would sample your dish,

But I can't stand the taste of fish taco."

On the chest of a barmaid from Sale

Were tattooed all the prices of ale.

Whilst on her behind

For the sake of the blind,

Was exactly the same -but in Braille.

A sperm, alack and forsooth

Was at its moment of sexual truth

It had hoped to fall

On the womb's spongy wall

But was dashed to its death on a tooth!

There was a young girl named Sapphire

Who succumbed to her lover's desire.

She said, "It's a sin,

But now that it's in,

Could you shove it a few inches higher?

“Lift your knees up!” the doc said, and pressed

His finger inside me, no less.

Ignoring my pride

He stroked side to side

And I spurted all over his chest.

Ethnologists up with the Sioux

Wired home for two punts, one canoe.

The answer, next day,

Said "GIRLS ON THE WAY

BUT WHAT THE HELL'S A PANOE?"

A man named Aaron Schock was so dumb

He took numerous pics of his bum

His hole was so brown

The talk of DL town

Was the layers of nacreous permacum.

This is not a limerick but I saw it on a bathroom wall in the 70s

“I came here all starry eyed and eager and all I sucked was one lousy peter”

Another version of r50

There was a young girl from Kinsale

Who offered her body for sale.

To be kind to the blind

She engraved her behind

With detailed instructions in Braille.

Lots of shitty attempts. Some of the content is clever and spit-on, but the meter and syllables are sloppy and clumsy.

^ *Spot-on

And where's your contribution? I suspect you don't have a creative bone in your body and your natural reflex is to disparage anyone who actually tries to mask the self-hatred you have at your own inadequacies.

I spot on your grave.

Mitch McConnell was a majority leader But now he's just a bottom-feeder-- He iTuned some Portishead And stretched out his tortoise head And gobbled insurrectionist cock by the meter.

There once was a they called Sam Smith

Who was fat, very hairy and whiffed

They smelled so repugnant

And was met with such judgment

You could die from just having a sniff

When semen from cock is gushing

To the head my two lips are rushing

To swallow that cream

Is my ultimate dream

Gushed Senatrix Lady G, blushing.

Miss Lindsey avoids tawdry scenes

And looks down on slutty cum queens

But it makes her quite nervous

When she thinks of the service

Her hole would offer a platoon of Marines.

Down south there's a fat pig named Don

whose game is the art of the con

He's hung like a fungus

But his sex drive 's humongous

Now we're stuck with his retarded spawn

Melania and Stormy agree

Don Trump has an IQ of three

His cocklet is tiny

Unlike his fat hiney

And he loves to take showers in pee!

My hobby is sucking big cocks

Through sweaty and piss-stained old jocks

The stench may be heady

But I'm always ready

To kiss, rim, and finger his box

There once was a Lady from Nantucket....

I dream about Anderson Cooper

And shooting my load up his pooper

His balls I would lick

Likewise his big prick

Til he blows his hot load in a stupor

There once was a guy, Hunter Biden

Whose cock I was thinkin' of ridin'

He loves to get high

And suck my balls dry

A skill that he really takes pride in!

The man who can fuck me the best

Is the one with the hairiest chest

To feel his balls slapping

My ass while I'm fapping

Makes me feel sad for the rest

Rachel Maddow, to me, is a saint.

To meet her, I think I would faint!

I would not need my lunchbox,

Cuz I know I would munch box,

And deep-tongue her clit, gash and taint.

At an orgy with Tom, Dick, and Harry

I finally gave up my butt cherry

At first it hurt bad

But in the end I was glad

And rejoiced in becoming a fairy

His son into bed he was tucking

Fantasizing his dick to be sucking

But the randy young man

Flipped 'round father's plan

And dad's ass is still sore from the fucking

There once was a young man named Ricky

Who gave me a very large hickey.

His cock was gigantic,

Our love-making frantic.

His cum load was hot, thick, and sticky!

A guy at the gym with hot pecs

Invited me home for hot sex

He plowed my behind

Til I 'bout lost my mind

Can't wait to see what he does next!

I remember when I was a teen

I got picked up by a hot young Marine

He begged me to suck him

And, later, to fuck him

Behind the encampment latrine.

There once was a governor named Gavin

Whose ass I was so hot for havin'

He said he's not gay

But he did wink and say

That he wouldn't mind havin' a chav in!

I know a hot singer, Steve Grand

Likes the public to give him a hand

He'll go with the flow

Up to the elbow

So why is he not in demand?

The hottest porn actor I've seen

Keeps his willy all clean and pristine

He wears some protection

On every erection

Whenever he shoots a sex scene

If you had to fuck Hawley or Cruz

Which evil cunt would you choose?

While one's clearly hotter

He's still just a rotter

With santorum all over his cooze

There once was an actor named Plummer

Who loved to receive a good hummer

A hot sexy fuck

But we're out of luck

Cuz he's gone now and that's a bummer.

Two Goys picked a fight over snow

with a Spaide whom they claimed was a mo.

There's no more harsh chatter

for they al lost brain matter

and they're frozen six feet below.

There once was a priest from Mexico

Whose motto was quite macho

He said, to be blunt

God decreed us eat cunt

Why else would it look like a taco

A girl named Brendad Ickson.

Was known far and wide for her WAP.

Sometimes it was covered in hair, just for fun.

Sometimes it was not.

But no matter the day.

It was always photoshopped.

On Datalounge I saw the post

That revved up my libidio most.

It was a pic

Of uncut dick

That nearly eight inches could boast!

There once was a troll so droll

That he ff'd himself into a hole

He can no longer post

But what upsets him the most

Is having a two-inch fuck pole.

A hard cock dripping cum

Makes me lick my lips -yum!

Licking up all that cream

Is my cocksucker dream

Can't wait for all that in my tum!

Writing dirty limericks is ad-dick-tive!

Melania was a lady with zest,

She threw all her passion into Be Best!

But her mission was spoiled

By her body well-oiled

In pics that showed her poosey and breast.

Lindsey Graham was a man quite refined,

Who resented his reputation being maligned.

How dare you suppose

That this bachelor rose

Would bend over and take it in the behind!

In Texas they're paying the price

For racism, misogyny and vice

With no power or heat

I think that it's sweet

The cost of voting Trump twice.

A fucked up politician named Cruz

Ended up all over the news,

His flight to Cancun

Proved he's a baboon

And left Texan R's singing the blues