How do you know when it's time to move?
A few weeks ago I saw a viral tweet that said "you will never meet your soulmate in New York", and that has stuck with me because I've been living in New York for over 20 years and I have never had success with dating or romance. Not for lack of trying - I have been on every app, I've done speed dating, I have done volunteer groups and meet up groups, sex parties (I have met couples who met in a buddy booth!), I've gone to bars...I've done everything that I thought I could to meet someone (except sports, I'm trying to attract someone) and it's never happened. I mean sure I've dated guys for a few weeks but never a boyfriend. I get that for some people it will never happen and it's possible that I'm one of those people but I'm also thinking what if it's location specific. What if there's someone in another city for me?
Now with covid - since there's been nothing but time to examine my life - I'm wondering if when things start to get better maybe it's time to pack it up and try my luck somewhere else.
How do you know when it's time to try living somewhere else, in the hopes of finding a man? Specifically I am thinking Chicago because its still a decent sized city but it's not as crowded. Plus it's cleaner, cheaper, colder and has big beefy guys.
|by Anonymous||reply 35||01/13/2021|
It’s you not the location
|by Anonymous||reply 1||01/12/2021|
Sometimes a change of scenery can be a good thing. But it may not fix the issue.
You sound like you're searching for someone very, very intensely. I was too, for a time. After a few years of going in circles, I was getting into my late 30s and started to think I might not find someone. I decided that I needed to stop the intense search and focus on myself for a while.
I'm not saying anyone has to be perfect. But the question to ask is: what's interesting and appealing about you? what do you bring to the table? A nice ass and a down to fuck attitude will last a weekend, but how happy are you by yourself?
Chicago is a decent choice - big enough to have a choice of men, but smaller than NYC. Some of the same things will still be in place - if you live more than two train stops or a few blocks away from someone, they'll pass on you.
|by Anonymous||reply 2||01/12/2021|
So you've gone through all that dating (et al) stuff? For 20 years? And not even a one year relationship?
It's you, OP. Sorry. Not sure if it's physical, emotional, or psychological, but the issue is most definitely you.
|by Anonymous||reply 3||01/12/2021|
Have to agree with r1. Have you thought of a cloistered life of prayer?
|by Anonymous||reply 4||01/12/2021|
OP, are you super picky in guys? You had partners for weeks at a time, why didn't those last any longer?
|by Anonymous||reply 5||01/12/2021|
OP thinks she’s Carrie Bradshaw.
|by Anonymous||reply 6||01/12/2021|
I can believe OP's story and, no, I don't think it must be OP's fault.
I can believe that in NYC, everybody wants a partner who is better than themselves. (E.g., if you're a 6, you want a partner who is an 8.) Even if OP were a 7 and was pursuing other 7s, those other 7s would reject OP.
Hence: lots of people end up single.
Somehow, I think OP would have better luck in Chicago. IMO, people are less shallow in places that are cold (climate) most of the year.
|by Anonymous||reply 7||01/12/2021|
The irony of R7 talking about people who are shallow when he assigns numbers to people.
|by Anonymous||reply 8||01/12/2021|
You're ugly, that's the problem.
|by Anonymous||reply 9||01/12/2021|
You'll know its time to leave when this guy opens the floodgates.
|by Anonymous||reply 10||01/12/2021|
OP - I feel like there is much to your story that you are leaving out.
20 years and never a relationship? How old are you now? Why do you think you haven't been able to meet someone to have a lasting relationship with?
|by Anonymous||reply 11||01/12/2021|
OP/gurl, it does sound like you're rather stale in NYC and it might be time to move on and Chicago might be a gentler city and more conducive for finding a relationship.
Have you tired any sort of therapy to uncover why you might not be creating what you want so much? Even reading books?
check this one out >
|by Anonymous||reply 12||01/12/2021|
R7 is correct.
See below. The principal is the same. The only people worth "getting" are those who have a better apartment than you do.
|by Anonymous||reply 13||01/12/2021|
[quote]Somehow, I think OP would have better luck in Chicago. IMO, people are less shallow in places that are cold (climate) most of the year.
So it's the hot NYC summers that are killing relationships? Doesn't Chicago have hot summers as well?
|by Anonymous||reply 14||01/12/2021|
The problem isn't New York. It's you.
|by Anonymous||reply 15||01/12/2021|
[quote] So it's the hot NYC summers that are killing relationships? Doesn't Chicago have hot summers as well?
I would guess that summers in Chicago are short. For most of the year, they're wearing coats, building love handles and paunches. Hence, a more forgiving and down-to-earth mentality about what a person should look like.
|by Anonymous||reply 16||01/12/2021|
The answer is best summarized by the Honorable Ms. Shug Avery.
|by Anonymous||reply 17||01/12/2021|
Wow, the desperation fairly oozes out of the words in your post
|by Anonymous||reply 18||01/12/2021|
OP you're gonna have to tell us more.
Why haven't things worked out with the guys you've dated more than once.?
|by Anonymous||reply 19||01/12/2021|
NYC is over for a decade anyway. Go somewhere else.
|by Anonymous||reply 20||01/12/2021|
You knew back in November, President Trump.
|by Anonymous||reply 21||01/12/2021|
Chicago is full of gays from elsewhere, so even there, you would encounter small town mentality. Think gays from Wisconsin, Iowa, Indiana, Ohio, Missouri. They flock to Chicago and party, party, party. And find a husband. But the same rules apply: hot guys want hot guys. Not as hot guys want hot guys. If you are over 30, you might as well be dead. Unless you're super wealthy.
|by Anonymous||reply 22||01/12/2021|
|by Anonymous||reply 23||01/12/2021|
The sky is blue everywhere OP.
|by Anonymous||reply 24||01/12/2021|
OP kinda sounds like someone I knew who did have boyfriends, but never seemed to keep one for long.
I noticed after a while that he would never say things about how he liked them, or things that he found charming, etc. It was as if he was a casting director, casting the role of My Boyfriend.
His roommate told me once that a guy he'd been dating broke up with him on a Friday, and by Saturday he'd found a new boyfriend, and spent the rest of the weekend calling friends and family to tell them. He could NOT be single for even an hour.
|by Anonymous||reply 26||01/12/2021|
R6) I can’t help think OP is looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other-love.
|by Anonymous||reply 27||01/12/2021|
OP it's time to move on and not look for a long term relationship. It's been 20 years and it hasn't happened. Live your life where you are happiest that is feasible and if life turns lucky you'll find somebody but there's a very good chance you won't and you've got to let it go.
|by Anonymous||reply 28||01/12/2021|
OP, moving will not solve this particular problem, all it can possibly accomplish is giving you slightly increased odds of solving this particular problem. Is the chance of slightly increased odds worth moving for? No, move when you've got another good reason to move, such as the insane cost of living in New York, a good professional opportunity elsewhere, wanting to be near certain family members or friends, or just finding a place you really like. But there's no mother lode of potential husbands out there waiting to be mined if you can only find the right spot, no matter where you go only a small proportion of gay men are at the point of wanting to settle down and find a long-term partner or husband.
But if you want a steady man more than you want professional opportunities, etc., swallow your pride and start reading those husband-hunting manuals meant for women. Of course you'll have to mentally modify half the stuff you read, like anything involving playing hard to get or deliberately getting pregnant, but those books do offer advice on how to meet and interest the sort of man you want.
|by Anonymous||reply 29||01/12/2021|
Where is the place that the gays are moving to now?
Is it Austin?
|by Anonymous||reply 30||01/13/2021|
Wherever you go, there you'll be.
|by Anonymous||reply 31||01/13/2021|
[quote] How do you know when it's time to move?
For me, OP, it’s usually rather shortly after the landlord slaps an EVICTED sticker on the door and my key no longer works.
|by Anonymous||reply 32||01/13/2021|
Every Frau knows that when you're tired of the cut and thrust of New York, LA or Chicago, you go home on some noble errand and, while there, discover that the boy you refused to go to Prom with is the One for you.
Hope that helps, OP.
|by Anonymous||reply 33||01/13/2021|
I'm inclined to agree with R6, though have a question and s caveat.
You don't provide enough insight into why you've not had luck in 20 years in NYC. What do you think the fault has been in the best of your prospects? And where do you place your own fault? And how/have your desire for a relationship changed across those years?
[quote]What if there's someone in another city for me? I'm all for starting over in a new place and being open to big changes, but in this case I think it makes a lot of sense to move to Chicago or whatever city because you want to build a life in that city - not for fear of the equivalent of lonely nights and dry old eggs.
Move somewhere because you're excited by the destination and opportunities and it can be a change as great as it is big, but move principally to escape one place and it's problems are more likely to follow you - the new location is doomed.
People are different in different places. I have more currency in one city and less in another; some friends describe a similar experience (yet others will insist that geography changes nothing.) It helps to know yourself before expecting others to do all the work for you
|by Anonymous||reply 34||01/13/2021|
[quote]What if there's someone in another city for me?
Oops. That's the only bit that should be shown as a quote.
|by Anonymous||reply 35||01/13/2021|