How to deal with an overbearing mom
My mom texts me every day and calls at least once a week to talk about random shit and it's making me go insane. It's gotten to the point where I'm losing entire nights of sleep because I'm so angry with her manipulation and how she can't just be happy living her own life. It's okay every once in a while, but it's NONSTOP with her.
She has used me and my sister as a sounding board pretty much my entire life, and she does not cooperate when I tell her to tone it down. My sister set strong boundaries with her years ago, but she's married with a kid now so it's easier for her to "close the curtain" as my mom says. This has made it worse because my mom's helicopter parenting has been redistributed entirely onto me — so in some ways I'm mad at my sister as well.
Go on and make fun of me if you want, but infantilizing your adult son should be a crime. I've already deleted most social media accounts because I couldn't post a single thing without her immediately liking and commenting for all my friends to see. I'm considering blocking her number, but at the same time she IS my mom and I would feel so guilty. My dad still lives with her, in case you're wondering, but he's a human doormat and I have virtually no relationship with him. My mom does not speak of him unless it's a complaint. Any ideas for how I can handle this situation DL?
|by Anonymous||reply 34||01/12/2021|
Are you over 21? Scrotum-based person? Use it and handle your business. No excuse.
|by Anonymous||reply 1||01/12/2021|
Outliving her is always a good option.
|by Anonymous||reply 2||01/12/2021|
A phone call once a week doesn't sound that outrageous and you could reply to messages only as and when there is a need. What harm does her liking your tweets or posts do? I mean, I'm not really seeing a Gorgon-mother here.
|by Anonymous||reply 3||01/12/2021|
Remind her that your choice of elder care facility later rests on her behavior now.
|by Anonymous||reply 4||01/12/2021|
[quote]A phone call once a week doesn't sound that outrageous and you could reply to messages only as and when there is a need.
Manage the situation for fuck's sake. You're the one letting her infantilize you. Is she filthy rich and quite old? If not, fucking take charge.
Start today. When she texts or calls let her messages pile up for a few days. Then text her, "Saw some messages from you,. Busy. I'll call Saturday morning." Make Saturday morning or whenever your weekly communication. What the fuck could she possibly have to say that needs saying every day? IN any case, you don't need to hear it every day and that's the important thing. Shut her the fuck down. When you talk once a week, keep it pleasant. If she gets off track, steer her back. If that doesn't work say, "Gotta call. We'll chat next week." Be blunt: ask her why she tells you some stupid thing, or asks for advice when it's not really advice she wants, or goes on rants about people you don't know or care about. Keep her on a pleasant common ground.
Don't make yourself available to be her little bitch every moment of every day and you won't be. If you're a fucking adult, the act like one and take charge and don't let people trample over you at their every convenience. Conversation is two-way and you've let her write all of the rules. Seize control and set your own rules; if you do it well she won't even realize what's happened.
|by Anonymous||reply 5||01/12/2021|
Remind her who signs the commitment order.
|by Anonymous||reply 6||01/12/2021|
Just put down your limits and go by them. The end.
|by Anonymous||reply 7||01/12/2021|
You seem very young and incapable of having personal relationships OP. No advice except to grow up.
|by Anonymous||reply 8||01/12/2021|
Ha Ha ! @R1 i want to use that for my pronouns, "scrotum based"
|by Anonymous||reply 9||01/12/2021|
Welcome to life OP. Anyone with a mom could've written this. This is what moms do.
|by Anonymous||reply 10||01/12/2021|
[quote] My mom texts me every day and calls at least once a week
So your mother who spend 18 years of her life raising you and gave birth to you doesn't deserve a minute of your time daily and a once a week phone call?
|by Anonymous||reply 11||01/12/2021|
[quote]How to deal with an overbearing mom
Pity it's not a daughter, but I do have a few ideas I could share.
|by Anonymous||reply 12||01/12/2021|
This reminds me of a friend with benefits from back in the day, and his mother would call him all the time, asking him when he was gonna get married (!) and saying that nobody loved her. She was really a trial.
|by Anonymous||reply 13||01/12/2021|
I love that you're mad at your sister because she long ago drew and made your mother stick to boundaries and you never have. That seems very fair-minded and healthy.
Grow a pair!
|by Anonymous||reply 14||01/12/2021|
I bet she was right about the "nobody loved her" part r13.
|by Anonymous||reply 15||01/12/2021|
Shady Pines, Ma... SHADY PINES!
|by Anonymous||reply 16||01/12/2021|
R1 wins this thread.
R11 spot on as well. I'm guessing OP was a very needy child who clamored for his mother's attention at every opportunity. "Look at me mom. Look what I can do. Mom...mom...mom...MOM!" Your mother is now paying you back....with INTEREST!
|by Anonymous||reply 17||01/12/2021|
I’m with r5. You can honor, love and respect your Mom without being a doormat. You just can’t let yourself feel guilty about having reasonable expectations of her.
Often times, parents have to be taught. They spent a large portion of your life having to guide you. Whether they were good at it or not. They normally know what boundaries are, they just aren’t accustomed to observing them with family members. And that is what family is for.
But just like it is OK for them to go over the line sometimes, it is also OK for you to tell them they have. Without guilt.
I had a friend who didn’t have a car and I did. I told him he could always call and ask me for a ride. He just couldn’t expect me to always be available. For the arrangement to work, he had to be willing to go out on a limb and I had to be willing to say no. Otherwise, I never would have been able to give him a ride and we would probably damage our relationship.
|by Anonymous||reply 18||01/12/2021|
I do empathize with OP. I'm sorry to hear you're dealing with.
I do love my mother, but from a distance and during quick visits.
Kathleen lives in Florida. I live in New York. Kathleen is sometimes pushy, opinionated, obsessive, manipulative and gossipy. When she's busy and active and happy, she'll call me once a week or I'll call her.
However, if some third cousin, some relative I've never met or my lazy sister need something, Kathleen will call me at work, late at night, before I leave for work two or three days a week. It will be a month-long obsession and she'll call and call. Kathleen will talk and talk and talk and gossip and reiterate some second cousin's need for a copy of her birth certificate or my sister need for an airline ticket. When Kathleen's being overbearing and loses the ability to come up for air, I sometimes put the phone down and walk away. I let Kathleen talk and talk and talk until she's talked out. Then I thank her for calling and tell her will talk soon. Sometimes after 10 minutes Kathleen notices I'm no longer on the phone and she hangs up. Sometimes I just say "Love you, have a good night, I've got to get up early tomorrow."
For years I've encouraged her to text or e-mail, but she'd rather chat by phone. Sometimes she leaves messages on my phones, and I respond via e-mail or text so I don't have to talk to her. I no longer answer her calls after 10:00 p.m. or before 8:00 a.m. She's starting to learn.
|by Anonymous||reply 19||01/12/2021|
[quote] How to deal with an overbearing mom
Storm the U.S. Capitol building and bring zipties with you. After arrest, you'll be granted a nice little break away from her.
|by Anonymous||reply 20||01/12/2021|
Tell her she should have had an abortion.
|by Anonymous||reply 21||01/12/2021|
Say to her, 'I never asked to be born!' And she'll reply, 'I never wanted to have you!'
|by Anonymous||reply 23||01/12/2021|
Your victim mentality is wearisome, OP. Unless you're twelve, there's really no good excuse for your "predicament." A well adjusted person would be able to have a difficult conversation with their overbearing mother, and walk away with boundaries and a commitment to stick to them.
Given that you've evidently inherited your father's constitution and are unlikely to grow a pair any time soon, take the cowardly (yet obvious) way out: send a final text alerting her that you will be admitting yourself into a sanatorium in Tierra del Fuego for the foreseeable future, and then ghost her. Block her from your social media, block her number, move houses, change your name, etc. That should give you enough space to hopefully find your balls.
|by Anonymous||reply 24||01/12/2021|
Nothing you describe is overbearing, a call once a week and a text once a day are normal levels of familial contact, and talking about nothing is also normal (and is far less threatening than prying into personal matters and telling you everything you're doing about them is wrong). This isn't helicoptering, helicoptering is calling several times a day and showing up at your job to tell your boss to be nicer to you, mysteriously popping up at the next table when you have dates, or coming home to find everything sparkling clean and a new couch in a color your mother likes in your living room.
That said, the next time you take a vacation, tell your parents that you're going on retreat and are turning off your cell phone. Give them some way to contact you in case of emergency, but no more. See how if feels. Then maybe, when you're not feeling irritated, you can have the "Mom, you don't have to text every single day" conversation, because believe me, your mother is doing this largely out of a sense of duty. She is afraid that if she doesn't demonstrate caring regularly you may think she doesn't really care.
|by Anonymous||reply 25||01/12/2021|
Wait until she's dead and you miss her.
|by Anonymous||reply 27||01/12/2021|
OP sounds like a delicate flower with social anxiety and trouble coping with normal life activities.
Seriously, a phone call once a week to talk to you mother is overbearing?
King Lear, Act 1, Scene 4: Lear: "How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child!"
|by Anonymous||reply 28||01/12/2021|
[quote]You seem very young and incapable of having personal relationships OP.
No shit, dummy. Why the hell else do you think I'm posting this on DL?
I appreciate all of your responses, especially r5 r18 r19 and r21. I kind of wrote this in a state of sleepless hysteria last night, so thanks for the chuckles. Nobody in my family is really close with each other, so it's especially hard for me to figure out what standard boundaries are and how to keep them, but it's not as bad as my post made it seem.
|by Anonymous||reply 29||01/12/2021|
I love my mom dearly. Poor thing is having difficulty sleeping - I think it is due to the Trump turmoil. She has unfortunately starting texting me every night at 2 or 3am in the morning. It unfortunately wakes me right up and then I cannot go back to sleep.
|by Anonymous||reply 30||01/12/2021|
It's very hard to set limits with mothers. With everyone else, it's also hard, but with mothers, of a certain type, almost impossible. Don't underestimate the skills of some moms to get around no matter what you come up with. If you have an overbearing mom who also happens to be extremely stubborn, forget it. These guys who say grow a pair or whatever have never experienced what you are going through.
|by Anonymous||reply 31||01/12/2021|
Why don't you want to talk to me? I gave birth to you!
|by Anonymous||reply 32||01/12/2021|
My situation is very similar to OP's. My mom tried to make me her confidant. I got more than a few text messages; I received hourlong phone calls, sometimes daily, during which she poured out her life's pain, injustices, and regrets. She also suffered from a delusional disorder, so half she shit she obsessively complained about was not even real. My dad was also a doormat who placated her so that she would STFU.
I, too, would like to hear a good solution for this dilemma.
|by Anonymous||reply 33||01/12/2021|
I know a lot of posters are telling you to man up, but I understand your frustration. Oddly enough, I understand it even though I had a great relationship with my mother, but she died when I was a very young man. I never respond to these dilemmas by saying "I *wish* my mother were still here to talk to!" because that's really not helpful. Your father is not a doormat, by the way; he stopped listening years ago so she has transferred this need for attention onto you. Emulate your father instead of placating your mother.
I know it's harsh, but there are times I am so happy that I'm gay -- men are no picnic, but my God, women are burdensome, emotionally demanding, and completely exhausting. The martyrdom they exhibit and the attention they crave from their children is astounding. I can't even read advice columns anymore because they're always about insufferable female family members. (I know -- MARY!)
|by Anonymous||reply 34||01/12/2021|