Let's be Ina Garten

I know what Anderson Cooper said about me and he's a bitch.

I’m the good mayonnaise.

I'm the bespoke shent!

I’m the make-a-wish kid’s request that she denied.

I’m her florist Michael Grim. I’m also a fan of the shent.

I'm the ever-present bottle of Beano.

I’m that same huge blue blouse she has been wearing on her show for the last fifteen years.

I'm the open windows and bespoke reed diffusers to hide the scent of my toots and air biscuits.

I'm making roast chicken, because my husband Jeffrey loves roast chicken on Fridays.

My husband Jeffrey also has a sweet tooth, so I will be making my famous croissant bread pudding, which my good friends Michael and MIguel, and my good friends Bobby and Barbara Liberman, love (that fucker TR liked it, too, but whatever).

Also, have I mentioned my good friends or my husband Jeffrey?

rip

toot

I'm the ordinary vanilla, because the good vanilla was unavailable.

I am fine.

I believe in wholesome, nutritious, homemade meals for our school children, but store bought is fine if you must!

Always stocked in several of Ina's colossal refrigerators, I'm the butter infused with the tears of virgin Dutch milk maids. (If you don't have me, store bought is fine.)

I’m the hatred of children and elective sterilization.

I am gay. Therefore I am one of Ina's dearest friends. I have taken a number and expect to be featured in an episode to be aired in 2032.

I'm omelet party she threw after she and Jeffrey got married.

[quote] I'm the bespoke shent!

I'm the now gone FAQs section on her website in which she revealed her shents are in fact bespoke.

[quote]I’m the hatred of children and elective sterilization.

(If you don't have me, store bought is fine.)

I'm her favorite story about her friend who accidentally set her oven to clean on Thanksgiving morning after putting in the turkey.

I'm the tsp of salt and 1/2 tsp of freshly ground pepper. I never flatulate, er, fluctuate.

I'm the bad case of gout that her cooking gave Jeffrey.

I'm Jeffrey's "business trip"

I'm the razor blades in the caramel, pecan-crusted, fleur de sel apples for Halloween.

I'm the Liebermans!

[quote]I'm nuclear policy at the Office of Budget and Management.

Oh, dear.

Given how many times she’s recounted the story of working there I have no excuse.

I’m the green painted stripe walls in her home kitchen. You’ll see me in early episodes.

I'm the smell of sulphur that seems to linger eventhough deviled eggs were not served.

I’m the nervous laughter.

I'm the overpriced, boxed brownie mixes Ina used to/possibly still does sell under her brand umbrella. (I recall buying one for $10 once in a gourmet shoppe...it tasted meh.)

I'm the shopworn rhetorical question "How easy is that?"

I'm her producers, out of ideas:

I’m the gas mask her good friends have to wear.

I’m the kidney-shredding amounts of kosher salt.

I'm the thinly disguised Hellman's mayonnaise and Heinz ketchup.

I'm the 10,000 calorie chowder.

I’m her granny panties wondering why she farts into me so much.

I am the biggest fagHag of the Hamptons.

I'm T.R. Pescod, watch your back, that bitch will cut you.

I'm the young GENZ gays who adore Ina (like cutie shay spence pictured here)

I'm 'how bad can that be?' usually spoken after telling of the use of ample amounts of butter or heavy cream.

What else is a BLT if not a mayonnaise delivery system. - Actual quote

I'm her father, remember lovingly; and her mother, who also existed.

I'm the workmen who had to lug Ina's huge stove up four stories to her Paris pied-a-terre.

I’m the gastritis of the bowels disgnosis.

I am Julia Child, rolling in my grave at Ina's frittata that she called an omelet -saying my traditional French omelet recipe was just too difficult to make!

I'm the (minimum of) fifty dollars you'll need to buy the ingredients for any of my recipes.