I've been in a yearlong out-patient program, I'm at week 50 of 52 weeks. I have two coaches, a therapist and a case manager. The goal has of course been to maintain sobriety, and they do urine tests every two weeks, but if you slip, they don't call it a relapse. The call it a recurrence, and nothing punitive happens.
I have been mostly sober during this time, although I have had a few drinks here and there. But for me, the goal changed over time from "I have to stay away from this devil substance" to really, really digging deep and trying to understand what needs are chronically unmet, what wounds have been festering inside of me for so long, and just growing a deeper sense of authenticity, vulnerability, self-worth, all that good stuff.
What I have realized is that I had become conditioned to feel like my feelings and needs don't matter. I don't matter. This is rooted in early childhood. I have had a running narrative that when I have a feeling or a need that is inconvenient for others, there is a terror of being abandoned or punished. I have feared being an inconvenience to others my entire life. I have an anxious attachment style and social anxiety in general. I discovered that I am gripped with terror that if I put myself first, or put myself out there, or stand up for myself, then I will be crucified. So I became a people-pleaser. You wouldn't be able to detect any of this by looking at how I behave in social situations. But in my intimate relationships and deeper connections with friends and family, it's a constant thread that runs through my entire adult life.
Because it is all I knew, I also have always chosen partners who are emotionally anxious-avoidant, who don't open up, who freak out if I try to initiate a discussion about feelings or needs. Their fear and defensiveness around emotional communication, the stuff that is really normal and necessary relationship work, further conditioned and reinforced that I was wrong, or bad, to want to express a need.
I found early on in my teens, that drinking alcohol allowed me to be more outgoing and confident. To take social risks, go on dates, say yes to relationships, and to have sex - which are all things I would have been terrified to face sober.
So my maladaptive drinking was twofold: 1) it numbed the fear of rejection so that I could engage both in the world at large generally, and to have the courage to be with people intimately, and 2) it soothed the roiling cauldron of unmet childhood needs, soothed the shame that I was undeserving, soothed the sting when my attempts to approach my partner with a need were rebuked.
And here's the real kicker: if I fundamentally don't matter as a human being, and that's my working premise, then...why would it matter if I am healthy or not? Why would it matter if I drink or not? Why would it matter if I drink myself to death or not? It wouldn't.
So here I am, now, realizing all of this stuff. And I can say that at this point, the drinking, the actual alcohol itself, is so much less of the enemy, than these tenacious beliefs and fears that I have uncovered. The alcohol was just a learned coping tool, it's not my foe. If I were to remain sober, and still not deal with the underlying issues that started me on this path of self-medicating at age 15, I will just replace alcohol with another maladaptive coping strategy: food, or porn, screens, excessive spending, etc.
I don't even really get phased now if I have a drink. Which is rare. But if I do, I just have compassion for myself that hey, whatever. It's just a drink. And it doesn't spiral out of control now like it was doing before when I started this thread. Alcohol has lost its power over me. Because I've seen behind the curtain and I'm working on healing the real issues every day of my life. I see that I have damage, and it wasn't my fault, but it is my responsibility as an adult to take care of myself and manage it. Not manage my drinking. Manage ME. My inner landscape.
And yeah, I matter. And so do you.