Well...shit. I slipped.
Six hours ago I was feeling clean, happy, and in control. But I just slipped. And yes, I know exactly why I slipped. It's because I haven't eaten all day. I stupidly doubled-down on my (low) daily dose of Adderall this morning because I was going to be very busy with family today, and I got poor sleep last night. Not the right way to use Adderall but that's what I did. And then it killed my appetite dead. And I totally forgot about the concept of food, all day. Around six pm I found myself driving a relative home. During "The Window" of when I used to drink every day. As soon as I dropped them off, I had the urge to buy alcohol and cigarettes. It hijacked my brain so hard and so fast that I didn't care about all the progress I've made, or how good I've been feeling, or consequences, or anything. I knew exactly what I was throwing away, and I Did. Not. Care.
I bought a single can of Gin and Tonic canned cocktail. I commend myself that had the presence of mind not to buy the four-pack. I bought one small can of 12% alcohol Gin and Tonic and a pack of American Spirits. Instead of food. I sat in my car in my driveway and drank the cocktail slowly. And I smoked three cigarettes. Then I realized that my relative forgot something in my car and I needed to go back and drop off their forgotten item. I sat awhile longer, and when I determined that I was not buzzed and I was okay to drive, I headed back to their house, ten minutes away. Sure enough, even though I was basically in full command of my faculties, I felt the same old sense of hiding, of acting, of holding back that was my daily existence prior to 13 days ago. I was hyper-aware of if I smelled like smoke or booze. I had shoved three sticks of gum in my mouth and spritzed cologne all over my clothes and hands before I went back over there but I still felt like I was "acting." I did eat a pear at their house. I didn't want it but I forced myself to eat it.
After I succumbed, it would have been soooooo easy to go back and buy more booze and just give in totally to the slip. But to my credit, I drove myself straight back home. But not before pouring bottled water all over the rest of the pack of cigarettes and throwing them in a trash can downtown. So they are out of the picture now. I am home. There is no booze and no cigarettes in my house. I just feel toxic now. I have a faint ringing in my ears. I feel that weird buzzy feeling in my brain of when you have a drink without food, and it's not enough to get a happy buzz but enough to make you feel sort tired and sad. Kind of like when you take too long of a nap, and when you wake up you feel ennui instead of refreshed. I'm really feeling the low-blood sugar now, too. I still have not fully addressed that, because the Adderall erased my appetite completely today, and nothing sounds good to eat, even 12 hours later from when I took it this morning.
I was going to stop this thread tomorrow at Day 14, too. Ha. Well, I'm very grateful that I caught myself early on in the slip tonight, but I do feel sort of scuzzy right now. I am not going to beat myself up. I know this happens to a lot of people early on, and that I'm only human, and that it's not a matter of black/white, win/lose, success/failure. Maintaining sobriety is an ongoing process. I just cannot believe that I felt so good and so clear six hours ago, wrote that whole philosophical novel at R2014.... and now I feel so yuck. I am not interesting in creating a dramatic narrative around this lapse. I just feel disappointed. I have to stay vigilant from here on out or I will lose whatever trust I have accrued in myself.
So here's my big question: Do I start over with my daily count? Is tomorrow Day 1 again? Or...can I continue tomorrow at Day 14 and allow the slip to be part of the timeline, without feeling like I am going back totally to square one?