Starting over in one's Dirty Thirties

At age 40, I got laid off and went to nursing school, and ended up started a new life in a new city.

I was able to do it because in my thirties I realized I was totally dissatisfied with my life, and spend my time going to night school, saving money, and figuring out what I wanted to do with my life.

OP? Unless you're married with children, you pretty much have to relaunch yourself every 8 - 10 years anyway. So what are you on about?

Moved from NY to DC without a job. Within weeks had gotten a great job with a quasi-government agency. Started my life over again and came out as a gay man for the second time.

Major changes and the best decisions I ever made. I had the time of my life.

The entire story would be TL;DR.

Except for nursing as a career, I could have written post R1

Similar to R1. I got laid off from the oil industry in my 40's (2014). I went to nursing school, finished, and now I can work wherever the hell I want. I love my job now. If I "started over" in my 40's, you can start over in your 30's. What helped me in nursing school was having a previous BS. I had very few prerequisites to deal with. If you aren't happy with your life, change it!

I squandered my 20s, OP. After graduating from college, I took a shitty retail job and drank, snorted, and whored my way through the rest of the decade. I was also significantly overweight. I got a DUI.

When I was about 30, I woke up one day and realized, "I can't keep doing this." I gave up drinking, smoking, and drugs. I lost weight. I moved cross country, to the desert. I enrolled in a MA program.

In the time since, I've completed a PhD, learned a couple of languages, and excelled, more or less, as a Renaissance scholar. I don't recognize the person I was in my 20s. I am in bed each night by 9:30 and would never want to go back to a life of partying and risk-taking.

When I was 29, I was dumped by my live-in boyfriend who moved out and ghosted me while I was away on a business trip. A month later, I was laid off from my job. It was one of the lowest periods in my life, but somehow when shit hits the fan I become obsessed with thinking my way out of my problems (while trivial shit triggers existential crise).

Instead of waiting to be called back to the employer from which I was laid off, I applied for jobs all around the country; eventually settleing for one on the west coast. At 30, I found myself driving across the country to a new life. It was a tough year, but that job opened the door to me returning to a higher paying position in DC. The job in DC opened the door to an opportunity to work in Germany for several years, before returning to the US this year.

Today, I'm established in a career and financially secure. My ego is still bruised from being unceremoniously dumped, but it really was for the best. The stress from experiencing multiple life-changing events in succession--to include turning 30--made me focus on the possibilities that lay before me.

I'll be turning 40 soon, and the prospect of starting over isn't as sexy as it once was, but my past has given me faith in my ability to start over from square one. In a weird way, it's also made me fear stagnation, so the thought of settling down in the same location or job does nor appeal to me at all.

I was in a super high paying job in advertising but completely miserable. Hated everyday and had to deal with weekly humiliation from an awful boss. I started wondering why I’m doing this since I didn’t have a wife and kids. There are few advantages to being gay, but the freedom to reinvent yourself unincombered is one of them. Also the butt fucking.

Anyway, I had been taking night classes for creative freelance type job and one day a friend had an opening in his loft space and I took it. I left my job respectfully and that awful boss ended up giving me a lot of work my first year. It’s been over 20 years now and I don’t regret any of it.

It was hard to reimagine my life. I was always a company man, but I’m so glad I did. You can do it too.

Start over or make big changes, and do it often.

"Hated everyday and had to deal with weekly humiliation from an awful boss. I started wondering why I’m doing this since I didn’t have a wife and kids. There are few advantages to being gay, but the freedom to reinvent yourself unincombered is one of them. Also the butt fucking."

I just wanted to repeat this.

R8: "Also the butt fucking." Hilarious. Made me laugh out loud.

I had a creative job/awful boss in advertising too (they are legion) and creative jobs are hard for older people because they are perceived as inherently uncreative. At 50, I found a new job in a related area, but when it was time to quit, they ended up creating a job in the area I wanted to move to at my current job, with my current boss, so I took it. It ended up being a relative nirvana...I got to use all of my skills without all the creative grandstanding, and have worked largely for people I rarely see. And the area I am in is something not understood by many and necessary, which gives me (finally) a little security. You are not condemned to be miserable!

Y’all know what I did.

What an inspiring, hopeful, and galvanizing thread. Thank you for the topic, op, and thank you to all of you mavericks who have found a way, along with the faith, courage, and determination, to rise from the ashes and ascend to greater heights.

Without getting into too much detail (I will later), I am in a “starting over” phase in my late-thirties. It’s painful, rigorous, and has required me to re-examine and reevaluate [italic]everything[/italic], but I also know I am right where I need to be and wouldn’t have it any other way.

As someone upthread noted - I think this so true - every 8-10 years we are called to re-examine, reevaluate, reengage, renew and/or restart some or all aspects of our lives. We are constantly shifting and changing, as is the world around us, and we either adapt and discover and go with the flow, or we get mired in obsolescence. Calcification leads to broken bones, after all, literally and figuratively.

Thank you all for sharing. I literally parked my car in a Walgreens parking lot just to reply. I look forward to reading more of your experiences.

Also good to note: As a result of this pandemic, I think many people of all ages are finding themselves having to start over in one way or another.

I can’t believe we’re going on a year since the pandemic hit the U.S. in an impactful way (I’m sure it was here longer).

Between age 36 and 39, I was forced out of a job I loved, had to relocate to a new state, my partner developed a terminal illness and died, and I had to deal with all that thousands of miles away from family and friends. I reinvented myself in my early 40s, developed a side career, a new social life, and found a new partner. It can be done.

VOTN! We have been blessed with a rare sighting!

Done it once in my portly forties and in the process of doing it again in my nifty-fifties! Both times have been through personal choice. Also, both times have been leaving and then returning to the same company. A company for which I have no gripes against, just the jobs I was in.

Is nursing school prohibitively expensive? I'm not even sure I'd make a good nurse, but it's a very noble profession and one which gets a lot of respect from me.

I'm sure some of you who switched to nursing have responded on this companion thread.

Just heed the experience of our own Cockgobbler, who made personal transformation in his 30s into one beyond compare!

You can always start over as long as you have breath.

Here, here r8 and r12!

I’m another advertising refugee. Started in 2000 as a copywriter and spent 15 years working at top agencies making ridic money. I was miserable most of that time. Then I went freelance which was fab. I now have a consulting-type relationship with an Amazon subsidiary and work about 8 months out of the year for them which still nets me a generous salary.

However! I turned 50 in November and had a “is that all there is?” type nervous breakdown. So I’m going back to school to eventually become a psychotherapist. My husband is one and it’s something we’ve been talking about for a few years. Now is the time for sure.

Anyway, point is, it can absolutely be done. Go for it!

Even though there was no shortage of naysayers, I remember being impressed when VOTN set out to become a DO. Hard to believe at this point he's probably finished school and been practicing for a while!

Even if the initial part of the journey can be difficult, there's nothing to gain from sitting around and remaining miserable. No risk, no reward.

Out of school for a while. Made the somewhat insane decision to do a longer residency combined with a fellowship. One of these days...

Few things are as liberating as starting over with a clean slate. I was 39, in a comfortable but lackluster LTR which wasn't fulfilling. (Mainly because our life was all about his career, his interests, etc.) My job was OK but not very challenging. I knew I needed to make changes in my life. My ex and I split, I bought my first condo, and took a new position within my company which required a lot of travel. In the process I discovered I could do a lot of things I had always been fearful of. Developed new friendships, new healthy habits, lost some weight, gained confidence, and never looked back. Lesson was - if you're sitting around thinking life is passing you by, it probably is. So do something about it. It won't happen otherwise.

Bump, ladies!

Yeah I did it. Took an advanced degree and made more money.

You can start over at any time. Only queens are obsessed with age. Be grateful for every day you get and stop worrying about your crow's feet.

I quit my teaching career at 31 to become a full time escort. I now make more than twice as much as I did teaching, and work a lot less. Not sure if that's what you were looking for OP.

Fuck what society thinks; I'm happy.

R6 Awww, I'm so happy for you! Congratulations!

If most people graduated around 22, how could they just “take an advanced degree”, don’t they make you redo your bachelors if you go back in your 30s?

[quote]If most people graduated around 22, how could they just “take an advanced degree”, don’t they make you redo your bachelors if you go back in your 30s?

I had to, because med school requires courses be taken within a certain period. I started college again at 31. Had no intention of finishing, but the way that things fell, I ended up only needing one more semester, so I figured what the hell.

I was 35 when I started med school. I wasn't even the oldest person in my class.

A lot of purple prose in this thread. From the "Life is a Grand Adventure" Helena Rubenstein / Auntie Mame school of autobiographical writing.

OP hun, people start over several times in life.

[quote]A lot of purple prose in this thread. From the "Life is a Grand Adventure" Helena Rubenstein / Auntie Mame school of autobiographical writing.

I was going to write purple prose, but Gary Morton talked me out of it.

Rubinstein, with an "I"

At 33, I quit my job and went to law school. I had planned on going within a year or two after graduating from undergrad, but it was the early 90s pre-Clinton and the economy was in a terrible recession. Everyone I talked to discouraged me from going to law school because new grads couldn't find jobs and junior associates were being let go. Also, I had just met my first partner and was worried what the time commitment would do to our relationship. I had been working in Corporate America and saw how increasingly toxic it was. A co-worker, who was 40, quit and went to law school. I was 32 at the time and thought why shouldn't I go? I had almost gone about 3-4 years prior to that. This time I followed through. After graduating from law school, I broke up with the ex after years of his problems fucking up our relationship, and I moved to a new city.

I was one of those rare birds who actually enjoyed law school. It was a lot of work, but I was near the top of my class and got a job at a large, national firm. I've crunched the numbers and my investment in law school has paid for itself many times over. The salary I would have had in Corporate America wouldn't have equaled what I have now. I'd have never moved up the corporate ladder because I was an open critic of how it was run. I could have never been a corporate stooge like those who got the top positions. I'm sure I'd have been downsized in my late 40s/early 50s. That's what happened to my brother. Luckily he landed on his feet.

It was definitely scary quitting my job and jumping into the unknown. I had no idea I'd do so well in law school, or have the opportunities I've had. Even if it hadn't worked out, I'm more of a nothing-ventured-nothing-gained type of person. A few years ago, my now partner and I moved to a new state and I started at a different firm. It's all worked out very well. Sometimes you have to upset the apple cart.

Love these stories! A lot more inspiring sharing your tale than you might think.

[...]

R29

I mean, I got a Bachelor's when I was 20. Then had a job. Got an advanced degree in my 30s and made more $$.

OP, you have to be awfully young not to appreciate how young you still are in your 30s and how much more life you have left. Plenty of time to start anew and with a wisdom you didn't have earlier in life. That wisdom makes everything easier to get through.

I said fuck it at 35 and decided to get my masters in London. It was really just an excuse to travel around Europe and end up with a degree at the end. Masters programs in the UK are only 2 years and most of it is spent writing your dissertation. I felt was barely in class. I traveled everywherer and definitely enjoyed the finale of my hot years in London, I did not end up using my degree for anything major and it was really expensive, but it was such a great time, Especially if you are single and childless, take risks and explore life.

I'm 31 and just moved back home temporarily. Contemplating my next step. This thread is giving me hope!

Thanks for the stories so far, fellas. Appreciate the candour and the depth. Keep them coming!

As for me, I am staring the last 18 months of my twenties in the face, in the middle of a pandemic, and I am TERRIFIED and don't know how to deal. I've wasted almost my entire twenties in depression (now mostly gone, thankfully), internet addiction, poor choices, dead-end jobs, fake friendships, people-pleasing, couch-surfing, living small and drifting aimlessly to stay afloat without daring to hope for success and happiness of my own. I do not want to repeat this last ten-year cycle. I just need confidence, esteem, to get over my fear of rejection and failure..

[R41]

Your twenties sound like most people's twenties if they were honest enough.

This straight white male capitalist schtick of constant upwards improvement, growth etc. is simply not the way life goes. We are not machines. And it's so destructive, especially to the white males who think they can achieve it.

Best thing you can do is ask yourself what you yearn to do in life, and do it. And life is NOT all about money.

According to Mike Damus, once you enter your thirties then other people start characterising you by your relationship status rather than by your interests or accomplishments. True?

You can start over at any age.

I know an older lady who could not retire, but she finally quit her job at 80, she then moved to a new city, got a new job and at 97 is still having the time of her life.

I bailed out of a horrendous relationship in my late forties. Kept my job, but everything else pretty much turned to shit, ended up my moving into a tiny back room at my mothers place. Lost both my properties. Some years down the line I am in a far better place with a far better partner and I'm the happiest I have ever been

The split from the ex was diabolical, worse even than I'd thought it would be, and about as amicable as a drone strike. But I am so glad I finally did it. I stayed with that drunk fuck 6-7 years too long. Sometime you just gotta bite the bullet and roll with the punches however much they hurt

I know someone who went to medical school in their late 30s, became a psychiatrist after their divorce. They also had two young children and delivered pizza at night. They are at the top in their chosen field.

That should be late 40s.

R39, what do you do now for a living? Or what did you end up doing afterward.

Delightful thread.

33 myself, about to change my life radically to chase my dream of becoming a full-time professional composer. Having worked in startups for 10+ years, I can honestly say I absolutely hate startups, office jobs, etc.

Time to give me a year to figure out how (and if) I can make my dream come true. You only have one life!

In my mid 30s, I became suffered a repetitive motion injury and had to quit my career, which I liked and which paid very well. Getting a diagnosis and treatment took forever. That alone was dispiriting, plus I was in a lot of pain. Somewhat luckily I had been saving up to buy a house and then start my own business, so I was in decent financial shape. I went to law school and did well. I was older, but I wasn't nearly the oldest student in my class. Surgery alleviated the pain I had been suffering, though I still have weakness. I went into the Dept of Justice and worked on white-collar crime cases. I am now retired.

It's possible to reinvent yourself when you need to.

Any more stories? Covid/quarantine fucked me over something fierce and I'm having to start over from scratch basically. Lost my job, wiped out my savings, useless liberal arts degree - having a helluva time finding a new gig. Turning 38 in a couple weeks, and feeling pretty discouraged.

Nobody really “starts over” in their 30’s - most people are just getting “started” or hitting their stride.

Bum.....p

I heard a quote: "The two worst feelings in the world are 1) Not having a job, and 2) Having a job."

R51 yeah, I feel that, and it sucks (though I’m almost ten years younger).

What hurts the most imo is not so much the brokeness (though dgmw that does hurt badly—hunger pangs are no joke) but the fact that the ‘apprentice years’ are forever down the tube for people like us. L Looking back, it was a mistake for me to live as a dilettante and refuse to pick a road to which I could dedicate my focus and become expert in something. More than anything, I wish I could be 19 again and just make a damn choice then go all out and stick to it. Not sure what I was thinking by not doing that—probably that because of the sheltered way I was raised and the unaddressed emotional problems I had, I wasn’t sure about who I was, what I wanted or where I was going in life. I didn’t have—still don’t have—confidence to make personal choices and commitments.

Society is unrealistic in its assumption that everyone just suddenly figures their shit out automatically at 18 or 21 or 23 or even 28.

Is there a field in Arts where one doesn’t have to be -25 to get a start in a career?

My main skill is writing, and I have some elementary training in performance. Maybe I could do comedy? Or somehow finagle my way into a writers’ room? Edit scripts or ghostwrite? Or is YouTubing a niche interest and publishing free eBooks my only real option now? I sound like I’m kidding but I’m sort of desperately sincerely asking hahahahaha

I start over every 8 years. It's a pattern I've noticed.

I had some random tech job throughout my 20s and then promptly got fired at 33 and went back to school for three years to study graphic design. The one thing that no-one ever never talks about is that when you start your career again you start on a junior wage again. So there was I, at 38, working for a quarter of my previous career and doing things like getting lunch for my manager and working back for pretty much nothing. Every single other mature-aged student in my class went back to their old career within a year of graduation and it was because the money was just terrible. I would have too but those three years saw the system I used to maintain get retired so there was no going back.

Was it worth it? Yes, but for about 7 years it most certainly wasn't.

R51 I am 39 and getting my financial aid in order to start a dental hygienist program. It will take a few years but I have decided and made the commitment. I have worked in food and wine most of my adult life and while it was fun and exciting for a long time, it started to feel juvenile after a certain age. I want earlier hours and a more calm work environment. Maybe think about a healthcare or trade you can see yourself doing.

R29 in Britain, you may progress to an MA/Masters degree or PhD from a BA at any time--provided you can find funding and sponsorship (the rub).

R49/Dutchie update? How's the composing coming?