Let's be small town community theater.

I’m the old church converted into a theater.

I’m the 50 year old, obese school teacher who is cast as the ingenue in every production.

I'm the fat girl.

I'm the hot AF jock fresh out of high school they recruit to play Rocky who pops a boner the second other cast members touch his skin:

I'm the truly horrible accent.

I’m the local printers who provided the posters and playbills in a sponsorship deal hoping to gain exposure for my failing business.

Im the main actress who is also a waitress, drama teacher, the town whore, madam and town ambassador.

I’m the seasonal production of a Christmas Carol that cover 50% of the annual funding for the budget. Don’t know what’s going to happen this year....

I’m the town gayling, who finds a home, surrogate family and mentors at the theater.

I’m the name that spells the word theater as “theatre” trying to class up the joint and seem sophisticated.

[quote]I’m the town gayling, who finds a home, surrogate family and mentors at the theater.

The only gay in the village

I’m the Vagina Monologues Valentine’s Day reading by local “celebrity” woman as fundraiser.

I’m the children’s theater Saturday workshops that helps fund the theater and culminate in a production of the Wizard of Oz for the families, where the parents can make donations just large enough for key roles for their child.

I'm the college-educated costume designer who hasn't quite launched his career, but still enjoys the process, who is just realizing he's only ever asked to do shows when they would otherwise be a complete shitshow without a wardrobe master (which is what I'm REALLY being asked to do).

I'm never asked to do "Waiting For Godot", or "'Night, Mother" (which I suggested, but was shut down, only to see it produced a year and a half later, AFTER I removed myself from the environment). Because somehow, they're not interested in having a costume designer (read: WARDROBE MASTER) on smaller shows.

I also gave my phone to the assistant director, to get photos of my work from the audience (because I was also the only dresser)...and got nothing in return.

I walked away from all of it to concentrate on my own projects, because I'm tired of being manipulated. I've never been happier.

Oh, wait! I ACTUALLY WAS/AM THAT PERSON. I should've walked a lot sooner.

In the words of the great Carolyn Burnham: "You can't rely on anyone but yourself."

I’m the artistic director, a washed up Hollywood actor who was a one hit wonder in a movie or TV show and never quite had a career that caught on. I’m a functioning alcoholic and married to a much more successful actor spouse who stars in one production a year that basically keeps the theater afloat.

I’m Blossom Butterworth

[quote]I should've walked a lot sooner.

Gurl, they wrung you dry.

[quote]I’m the Vagina Monologues Valentine’s Day reading by local “celebrity” woman as fundraiser.

I'm "Love Letters" which plays on alternate nights. My cast is two local news anchors.

You're not kidding, R17.

One show was actually pretty fantastic. "Steel Magnolias". Everyone managed to more or less turn out in what we'd agreed upon. Until the actress playing Clairee (not terrible) showed up in the last scene, in a pastel skirt suit, and floral blouse.

The last scene takes place in November. Clairee is supposed to have just returned from a trip to Paris, where the climate is the same as the Mid-Atlantic U.S. The actress was dressed as if she'd been on a fucking Caribbean cruise.

She never honored her promise to change it. I was so angry, I couldn't speak.

This may all seem meaningless, or superficial, but I put A LOT of fucking work, and some of my own money into that show (and it was mostly alright). But these productions were almost always more disappointing than they were rewarding. For me, anyway. But a lot of the people involved already held careers that had nothing to do with theatre. So, they ultimately didn't give a fuck.

I understand it's community theatre, but pardon me if I'm trying to take it seriously, and make the most of my tiny little position.

I'm the Harmonia Gardens set that only had two stairs.

I've seen a few on my rare forays outside the city. I found them all cute. It's not about quality, let us say.

^ it's more community and less theater.

[quote]But these productions were almost always more disappointing than they were rewarding. For me, anyway.

Probably too many cooks, gurl.

I'm the leering prop guy who always manages to be backstage in the dressing room before costume changes.

I'm the Eunice Higgins equivalent about to become a bonafide SUPAH STAH down at the Pepperpot Playhouse - TRIPPIN!

I'm the after show cast party with family and friends where some of the actors are still wearing their stage make-up. Not pretentious at all.

I’m the 55 year old dumpy guy with a wife and two kids, playing the policeman or barber, who is overly interested in the young chorus boy and is oblivious to the rumors.

I was that young chorus boy, R27, and that old dumpy guy was relentless.

I'm "Busty"

I am the cardigan sweater buttoned incorrectly that is intended to indicate (emphasis on indicate) anxiety, madness, or some other form of mental disturbance.

How to...

I'm the bands that play there because people in a small town couldn't give two shits about a theatrical production.

I'm the audience consisting entirely of family members of the cast who have absolutely no interest in attending theater, but feel obligated.

I'm the white crew athletic socks they put on the soldiers in a production of King Lear / no shoes, just socks.

I'm Phyllis Hammerow, Miami's answer to Meryl Streep.

I'm Corky St,. Clair.

I'm Jan McArt.

I’m the chicken or the nice piece of salmon that are the choices for entree at the dinner portion of the local dinner theater production.

We’re the brother and sister team who direct one or two productions a year who had great Broadway aspirations and went and lived in NYC, but came home to our little podunk town with our tails between our legs when our acting careers never took off after a decade plus. We are the most eccentric and sophisticated people in town and are forever making references to musicals as if everyone should know them. We were going to be the NEXT Keenan-Bolgers!

I’m the rampant nepotism turned to 11. My son wasn’t cast as Birdie because I’m the director and head of the theatre company, he was cast because he gave the best audition. Plain and simple.

I'm the orchestra for our production of "The Music Man" which has no brass or woodwind players tonight. Oh, and no percussion, either. See, tonight is also the local high school's Homecoming game, so they are all on the field marching at half-time.

"76 Trombones" sounds a little off with just strings, but most of the audience will never notice. Well, actually, there's not much of an audience tonight. Everybody in town went to the same high school and they are all at the Homecoming game.

R39, are you in Indiana?

I'm the dreams of being a Star!

R42 No, grew up in Pennsylvania, they were also the ones to pinch hit directing the high school productions as well if no teachers would take it on. They were fabulous in their own little way, but also tragic looking back on it. And yes the brother was gay and the sister was possibly a lesbian.

I'm the last minute replacement for the male sheriff, simply because only I could fit into the costume.

[Quote] absolutely no interest in attending theater, but feel obligated.

That's the entire point of community theater. I love the pic at r31 btw.

I’m the production of Charley’s Aunt.

I’m the production of You Can’t Take it With You and other 40s and 50s screwball comedies that are a staple of community theater.

I'm the cardboard Wells Fargo wagon, a' commin' down the isle and completely falling apart spewing riders in the isle and on the laps of audience members.

I'm "indicating"!

R46, that is from Downwind of Upstage, AKA The Art of Coarse Acting. There actually is a "Coarse" play which is an early precursor to to the XXXX that Goes Wrong plays.

I'm the infuriated actress playing Peter Pan getting her revenge on the bratty kids in the audience.

I’m the first day rehearsal lesson of stage right, stage left, upstage and downstage for all the new novices to the thrilling world of THEATRE!

Who's going to tell these people that they're wasting their time? None of them will ever be discovered or ever see Broadway.

That Rocky Horror clip is a riot! You would think they would have cut the bit where they oil Rocky up if the actor was so prone to getting a hard-on by being touched/carried. I’m surprised YouTube hasn’t pulled the clip down, but I’m not complaining. The guy is super hot and does a decent job with a difficult song.

I’m the pitiful attempt at Gilbert and Sullivan that takes the Modern Major General song and plays it as if it were a trunk song from [italic]Chitty Chitty Bang Bang[/italic] with choreography taken right out of a 1980s exercise video.

[quote] Who's going to tell these people that they're wasting their time? None of them will ever be discovered or ever see Broadway.

You honestly believe that the adults in community theater do it for the dream of going to Broadway one day?

I'm the audience at "Our Town." We slowly, slowly drifted away as hour followed hour.....

[quote]I'm the cardboard Wells Fargo wagon, a' commin' down the isle and completely falling apart spewing riders in the isle and on the laps of audience members.

I had no idea there were islands in Iowa!

[quote]You honestly believe that the adults in community theater do it for the dream of going to Broadway one day?

It could happen!

R49 OMG was everyone laughing?

I'm the series of changed keys and tempos to accommodate the shitty musicality of the performers. Our pit band has two Casios and an elderly woman playing the blocks for percussion. She won't be able to keep up and some of those tempo changes are to accommodate her. Her husband is the town preacher, so we forgive her for it.

I'm the warbly 63 year old church choir soprano who, somehow, got the lead in Mame. I won't be doing any of the drinking and won't be saying any of the curse words. My church friends will be in the audience. Imagine what they'd say!

R37 at my graduate program (not theater) at a small school in South Florida, Jan McArt is a patron saint. They have a wall shrine of her that is quite extensive/impressive.

I'm the panicked director, hoping that no representatives from Samuel French are in the audience to see how many curse words we took out of our Neil Simon show.

I'm the artistic director paranoid about anyone video taping the performance in case it winds up on YouTube and the rights holders get angry as if anyone would want to keep a record of this train wreck for posterity.

I'm the artistic director.

I'm so gay it can be seen from space but I've been married for 30+ years.

I am a tyrant with a soft center. I have made actors cry, but my shows are damn good!

How would they know?

I'm the conservative board members who think that Streetcar Named Desire is just too risqué for our little theater.

I'm the over-the-top set designer who has a day job as a high school art teacher. I will NOT have my rosebushes trampled upon this year!

I am the all-white version of [italic]Porgy and Bess[/italic] at a Methodist church in Idaho. They don’t even bother with the blackface even though they insist they simply couldn’t find enough Black people to audition for it.

No, Mr. Sondheim, they did not rewrite the lyrics.

I’m ‘Less is more, people, less is more!’

I’m in the car the Director had to sell to pay for the production.

I'm the sets, purchased from garage sales and thrift stores.

I'm the "have you found a treasure" antique mall guy directing "Cyrano de Bergerac." I'm about to have a meltdown as the leading lady is all kinds of wrong.

I'm the young gay boy who's fucking the rather unattractive director because gay pickings are slim around here.

[quote] I'm the warbly 63 year old church choir soprano who, somehow, got the lead in Mame. I won't be doing any of the drinking and won't be saying any of the curse words.

But you'll still be better in the part than Lucille Ball.

I’m the cast t-shirts he director made to build morale.

I'm the stale cookies for sale during intermission, presided over by four elderly women who pride themselves on baking. They have not made anything edible since 1974 yet still have the gall to charge $5 per item. For $6, I come with a small plastic cup of warm cider.

I’m the not handicapped accessible bathrooms.

I'm the left-handed compliments given to the performers after the show by their elderly relatives.

"I can't believe you memorized all those lines!"

I'm the production of "A Little Night Music" in which every actor cast is between ages of 24 and 30.

Good luck following this one.

I am the set director whose vision of R12 Vagina Monologues would be Penthouse and Playboy centerfold hung on every available space in the theatre

R81

"Now THAT......was a PLAY!"

I'm the edgy artistic director.

There is always vagina or cock on my stages.

We do edgy shit like: stage a play in an abandoned, empty swimming pool.

We mount plays where characters have abortions or shit themselves on stage.

We're so fucking edgy!

I am the local community theater that flatly states in every pre-show speech that the will never do anything experimental. They do shows such as Run for You Wife at a deadly slow pace that kills whatever little humor their might be.

I'm F. Sterling Cline (not 'Klein'), Entertainment Reporter for The Star Reflector. I plan to eviscerate everyone.

My ex-girlfriend is in a barrel in the garage.

I the eldergay choreographer and I storm out of every production leaving them in the lurch, but they always have me back because they they have nowhere else to turn.

I'm Barney, the nellie prisspot who everyone thinks is gay, but insists I am not.

I get eliminated from every casting session because I won't perform in any plays that feature violence, homosexuality, abortion, drug use, murder, infidelity, or anything unseemly.

I'm Carol Ann...

I'm the scowling, goth-girl extra whose mother made her audition for the chorus because she needed to make new friends. I chain smoke in the parking lot between scenes and refuse to make eye contact with anyone.

I'm the prop dime from "Forty Second Street" hanging on the bedroom wall of the 15-year-old gayling who lost his virginity to a fellow chorus boy in a Ford Escort one night after rehearsal and kept as a souvenir after strike. I hang across the room from the "Hats" sign from a production of "Hello, Dolly!" similarly rescued.

I'm the giant plywood Tony from the opening scene of APPLAUSE that my current owner rolled out the back door of the theater during the strike. I'm hanging over this silly fag's queen sized bed, where the headboard ought to be.

[Quote] [R46], that is from Downwind of Upstage, AKA The Art of Coarse Acting.

Ah r51 I thought it looked familiar. That book was hilarious. The pic must be from Bulldog Drummond then.

I am the star of this show. Have been for 35 years. I am the only one who has a dressing room. I am an artist. People come to see ME!

[quote]Let's be small town community theater.

Is that a snide reference to the Proud Boys?

I’ll be the hydrox cookies and the mid century coffee urn.

I'm the suggestion of a gay-themed play R85 rolls his eyes at. I guess "edgy" has its limits.

I'm the Streaks 'N' Tips, magically turning twenty-something actors into elderly characters for decades. My effect is uncanny!

r95=Phyllis Hammerow

I'm Aggressionata Jackson from North Carolina who gets sued for providing cheap, error-ridden productions with bad back-projection.

I'm a Lavarious Slaughter Production.

Love this thread …. spot on. Just every post is TRUE! Laughing my ass off. But ya' gotta' love community theatre, it awakens so many gaylings.

I'm so envious of people who get to perform in community theater. I'm a real triple threat: I can't act, I can't sing, and I can't memorize lines.

I'm playing "Bloody Mary". For laughs. I'm in stereotypical Asian make-up and a fat costume.

I'm thrilled! My white, rural, small-town audience is laughing at her.

I'm the little girl who sang best but didn't get cast as Ngana because I'm fat.

The joke's on you, mutherfuckers. I'll be back one day and I'll play Bloody Mary. Just wait and see!!!

"Light the caaaaaaaaaaaaandles. Get the ice OUT! Roll the rug UP!

It's TO-DAY!

I'm the godawful amateur photo sent to the newspaper in hopes of a little free publicity. I feature the cast making ridiculous faces and acting, acting, ACTING!

Ironically, I dampen attendance when the theatergoer in the house turns to her husband and says, "Well, I guess we can skip this one."

Well skip around in this video. There is entertainment no matter where you start. There was obviusly no costumer - it was more a "come as you are" production.

The actors PAID to be in the show - the director was later run out of town because he didn't pay royalties OR the bills......and he continued to do this for years.

Not sure where he is now - maybe in jail producing "Prisoners of Love."

Many joys to be found - but my favorite is the smoking school teacher.

I'm the plumb middle aged woman playing Sally in a sanitized small city production of Cabaret in the summer of 1988. The audience will be scandalized by my revealing costumes and the local priest will march on the venue and demand that it be shut down. I'll be quoted in the local paper saying, "I don't understand what all the fuss is about. We cut the fag parts out."

I'm the radical feminist activist writer from Chicago who got a one-hit-wonder artist-in-residence to hire me to do my one-woman show for a fundraiser for Women's Month. All the hoitiest and toitiest people in town were there, and I just made it up as I went along.

I said things like, "When she eats my cunt, her face is wet with my pussy juice." I told a (fake) story about a guy who tried to rape me and ran off when I yelled, "I'm lactating, do you want me to spray you with breast milk?" For an hour and 12 minutes.

Some people left early. At the end, a few people applauded wildly, probably because it was finally over. The artist-in-residence was later fired. The board of directors said he should have had a better idea of what he was getting when he hired me. I had a good laugh and they paid me $500 plus airfare and hotel.

[quote] I had a good laugh and they paid me $500 plus airfare and hotel.

... and all the pussy juice you could drink!

I'm the horrible poster art that was made using ClipArt and tells you nothing about the show.

Oh, but it does tell you something about the show, R113. It tells you the show will suck.

I'm the broken spring in seat R32.

I’ve got daggers for cast members who ARE STILL on book during tech week.

I’m the well chewed scenery

I'm the lesbian who keeps asking, "They said there'd be cake?" of perplexed cast, crew and ticket holders.

I'm the drag show that rents the space when there's nothing in production. Next up: "Xmas Ho-Ho's With Alexiss Ste. Dupree".

#111 sounds like a play itself! Or at least a TED Talk..

I'm #80.

I’m a noisy as fuck actors waiting in the wings to go on. Shaaaad Up Already!

I’m the umpteenth production of Everybody Loves Opal—the same actress has played the title role four times, because she writes a big check as donation each year.

[quote]I'm the audience consisting entirely of family members of the cast who have absolutely no interest in attending theater, but feel obligated.

To be fair, this is also true for Broadway, just replace "family members of the cast" with "friends and family members of the audience".

I’m the hot straight guy and good actor who is in one show. Everyone starts dreaming of the shows they can finally do now that I’m around, but I never come back after that one show.

I’m the low-volume actor who can never be heard at the back of the theater despite being coached to speak up countless times.

I'm the drunk who's turned to chugging hairspray backstage to get their fix. I won't make it through the 2nd act.

I'm the habitually late and surly actress who doesn't value anyone else's time and thinks I can make diva demands because I've been doing shows here since I was 6 and because I'm the best singer in the cast. The rest of the cast and crew despise me and no amount of good singing will change that.

I'm the friend or relative who tells you," It was better than Broadway."

I am the humiliated 58 year old menopausal woman wearing a long auburn fall and false eyelashes - I have played Guinevere in Camelot at the Music Hall every 5 years since I was 22 years old - I’m famous for it - everyone in town knows me for it - wait - what? They are going another direction this year? They need me to - flick the lights at intermission ......

I'm the volunteer usher.

Tickets, please?

Bumble bee-ee, bumble bee-eye, bumble bee-eye, bumble bee!!

I am the disheveled Samuel French script in the dressing room, laden with coffee stains, food stains, cigarette burns, make up, and hot pink sharpie highlighter. Irreverent and disgusting.

True story. (not my script though)

I’m the voice warm up - “Red leather. Yellow leather. Red leather. Yellow leather.”

I am the Chair of the Play Reading Committee and that will be just about enough out of you.

As someone that did community theatre all throughout high school in the hopes of making it as a successful actor by now, sadly, I can relate to this thread. This thread sort of brings me back to my high school days when I did up to ten community theatre productions in a rural small town over the course of nearly four years. Alas, the community theatre is gone since it disbanded years ago.

Sorry, I know this thread is supposed to be humorous and my reply is a little off-topic.

I’m propmistress Jean McQuigg - I am gluing empty wine bottles on the top of the old top hats I found at the church rummage sale. Those clods rehearsing the bottle dance have broken glass all over the stage. I have to make sure it all gets cleaned up so I can get to CoCo’s before everyone orders without me.

I'm the lesbian doing props.

I’m the former New York City dancer who gets hired to choreograph no dancers. I venían the lack of a dance captain who can demonstrate while I create. I roll my eyes at the show T-shirt I’m gleefully gifted with the expectation that I wear it every day with the word choreographer custom printed on the back. Finally, my ultimate humiliation is being pulled on stage and handed flowers during opening night bows.!Oeopke think that my reluctance to play along comes from humility but it actually comes from utter embarrassment.

non dancers

I bemoan the lack of a dance captain

People think that my reluctance

I’m “peas and carrots, peas and carrots, rhubarb, rhubarb.”

I'm the plain, awkward, slightly chubby girl who can actually sing, seething with rage as the talentless but pretty blond girl is cast in the lead.

I am Gary - I’m handsome and I know it. I’m a dancer -ish. I wear my shorts too short to show off my long tan legs or wear dance pants so tight the older chorus women giggle and don’t know where to look. I’m bored most of the time and I smoke menthols - I am world weary and laugh a knowing laugh. I AM THEATER. I know all of the shows and usually call them by one word - “Dolly,” “Music,” “Nanette.” I tell stories of the tours I’ve done - most recently I played Rolf in”The Sound of Music” in Lubbock, Texas.

I am this:

Watch how big Rocky's bulge gets every time another actor touches him. PHFPHFPHFUCK!!!!!

I’m the chainlink fence set that becomes the star of the show when the troupe’s leaders decide to write their own musical rather than pay for the rights to a well known property. Yes, the show was so bad that to be kind everyone gave rave reviews to the fence and focused on how shiny it was.

I'm this.

I am in the audience. My wife is in the show. The fattie in the right. I love her, she is my fattie. I wish she would stop doing these shows. People laugh at her and for wrong reasons.

I'm the bull dagger building the set.

The props mistress is mine. Hands off.

That was hideous, r148! Omg.

I'm the only black actor in town. I'm a woman, married to a white doctor, and I'm tiny and beautiful, and I have, if not actual talent, the ability to be engaging on stage. I'm funny, I can sing, I'm a great leading lady, but in this town they don't believe in casting anyone not white in a role that wasn't originally intended to be played by a POC. Except when they did an all-black version of The Odd Couple about 20 years ago and the black actors all vowed never to work with them again. So I rarely audition, and when one of the directors calls to ask me to do some walk-on role with two lines, I usually say I'm sorry, I'm just too busy right now, maybe next time.

There was a black gay man who was a pretty good actor, too, and everyone loved him, but they had trouble casting him, because, for example, when they did a Robin Hood play, they felt it wouldn't be authentic for him to play one of the major roles, so they gave him several tiny servant-type roles in which he was hilarious and stole the show. (They didn't worry about the authenticity of their chain-mail costumes made from plastic shower curtains, but you do what you can, they said.)

He died young of a sudden heart attack, and everyone at the theater was heartbroken. They did several fundraisers and collected $500 for a scholarship in his name to a graduating senior at the high school. The scholarship winner was a white girl with long, blonde hair who played the lead in all the school plays. Her father was an executive at a Fortune 100 company, and she had drove kind of fancy cute little convertible. When someone suggested maybe the scholarship should go to black student or at least to someone who needed the money, they were told it would be racist to deny the scholarship to the most talented person they could find, regardless of that person's skin color or economic status.

R152 here. I'll Oh, dear! myself for the "had drove" and the "should go to black student." There may be others.

I'm the bubbly welcome wagon lady who greets all the newcomers to our small community with pamphlets of our upcoming shows. I'm always guaranteed a role even if it is one written in for me. I've played both Mrs. Paroo and Eulalie McKechnie Shinn, Parthy Anne Hawkes, Aunt Eller, Nettie Fowler, the Mother Abbess, Yente the Matchmaker (I am religiously versatile!) and Hattie Walker. My "Broadway Baby" is always a favorite at big social gatherings.

I’m the crazy delusions of the former lead of many of the productions who still thinks she can play 24.

I'm the straight couple who leaves during intermission, the husband pretending he didn't know there was nudity in this gay-themed play (but only in the first act).

I'm the many members of this sad assemblage who will tell you what a fine production of... well, virtually anything they have touched... it was that they presented.

Of course, we all know how it looked, sounded, moved, and at what glacial pace it played out before finally dying exhausted in a ditch.

One of the benefits of being a member of this community theater is that our memories of our past triumphs are constantly burnished in our minds until we really do believe they are 'just as good as anything you see on Broadway.'

Why pay more?

I'm the mayor's wife. I was cast to play Peter Pan because I was in two productions while in university in the early 1980s.

I will not do anything involving heights. I will not dance or move around too fast because I have vertigo. I will not do any scenes with animals because I have allergies. I will not sing and will only lip sync to a track. I will get top billing over the other actors and my picture will be on the playbill cover.

The local paper will rave about my performance and call it a stand out. My sister is the editor.

I LOVE small town life!

I'm the tall, fat, bald, 40ish former president of the board of directors and the former executive director, and I was paid $10 an hour to work 20 hours a week in the box office, 40 on production weeks. I'm also part owner of a very popular bar, and I have a hot 20-something boyfriend who looks like a Caravaggio model and I have an entourage of young friends. For his birthday last year I took my boyfriend to Europe.

There was a big misunderstanding, because I was going to pay off the theater's credit card, and I only used it for personal purchases as a temporary back up while I was having a cash-flow problem, but it was temporarily maxed out when we started working on the big Christmas fund-raiser.

The director and costumer were just spending money like there was no tomorrow, buying $200 BOOTS for the male lead and hiring a seamstress to make the female lead's big dress. The director wanted posters as usual, but I told her we felt the posters didn't really bring in new people to the audience, so we had decided not to have them for this production. That part was true, but I admit it was only my opinion, there was no "we."

Well, she started talking to the other board members and they dug around and discovered $10,000 I had charged to the theater's credit card and other credit accounts. Fortunately, they didn't want to press charges, because they were afraid if it became public, no one would donate or attend the fundraisers after that.

I didn't have $10,000 to repay it just then, but we agreed I could pay them $5,000 over time and they would accept that as payment in full. It's really unfair that Covid happened just after that and my bar has been closed off and on, and even when it was open for outside customers in the summer, business was way down and I wasn't getting any income from it. Now it's looking like we may not be able to stay open until this is all over, so we may lose everything. Therefore obviously I haven't been able to pay anything on the $5,000, but I know the theater won't take any action, because now if it all came out, they would look foolish and incompetent.

What infuriates me most is that it was all supposed to be a confidential agreement between the board and me, and I agreed to step down from the board and leave the box office because I believed they would keep it confidential. But it has been gossiped about so much all the actors and the season-ticket holders have some warped exaggerated version of the story, and they're all saying why should I donate money if you let someone STEAL it. I didn't STEAL it, I only borrowed it and then had some unfortunate things like Covid happen that I couldn't prevent or fix.

My boyfriend moved out last month and is staying with his young friends. He's just sulking. If the bar can stay open until the vaccine gets out to everyone, we'll be OK, and I know he'll come back.

r54 Voilà.

Baby Jesus, save us.

Why bother?

Tips for auditions

It all starts in high school.

I'm the cardboard sets that were built for Dogpatch in Li'l Abner being reused for the shtetl in Fiddler on the Roof.

I’m the $5000 production budget for play that includes dinner for 10 actors

I'm "Naked Boys Singing" done tastefully in Speedos.

I'm the actress playing 'Rose' in GYPSY who didn't pace myself and am losing my voice by Tech Week. I call out sick one performance night because I am exhausted and that night's show has to be cancelled.

BTW, someone playing Rocky in HORROR SHOW getting a hard-on on stage fits right in with the wacky shit in that show. No complaints and audience enjoyment.

I'm the cool 60-year-old pastor of the area's trendiest church, where all the gays and liberals go. When I star in a play, it's always sold out, because most of my congregants come see it.

I played Starbuck in The Rainmaker, and my Lizzie was a short, dumpy little woman about 50. For the emotional climax of the play, when I kiss Lizzie and awaken her passion, my wife refused to let me kiss another woman or hug her tightly, so Lizzie and I clasped hands and looked deeply into each other's eyes. I thought it was effective, because passion doesn't always have to be visible. Just look at how much passion you can find in old movies when they weren't allowed to show explicit material.

I admit it hurt my feelings when I heard that a lot of people are saying I shouldn't have accepted the role if I wasn't going to kiss the girl. No one said it to my face, but I have friends who let me know. Just who the heck else do they think could have done that role and sold out all 99 seats for four performances?

I'm the high school teachers in the play that give extra credit to their students if they attend the production and have us sign their programmes at the end of the play. This ensures asses in seats, and that the students stay for the whole performance.

R170 a teacher I had made us do that and the students made up about 3/4ths of the 30-something people in attendance. It was a terrible show with awful actors (herself included) and that troupe disbanded about a year or two later.

There used to be a few community theaters in that area, but now there are just two - one is uber conservative and only likes to do clean, wholesome shows and the other does the edgier stuff and uses far better actors. The problem with that one is that they might do one show a year if that. The conservative one has a full season, but almost all of it is crap. They also used to make the actors pay to be a part of a show, so you'd get the riff raff that didn't belong on stage, but paid their way in.

Gross!

R55 Where is the Rocky Horror clip? I can't find it for the life of me...

@ r4 and r145

I'm the lead ingenue, completely talent-free and at least 10 years too old to be an ingenue, but hey, I'm thin, blonde, and fucking the director, so it is what it is, bitches!

I am late cold rainy winter nights - Fiddler on the Roof plays Fri, Sat and Sunday nights - they are going to open Romeo and Juliet for Thursdays and Sunday afternoons. Romeo is playing Fyedka in Fiddler as a favor to the owner of the theatre. He is going to be a movie star - you can tell. Romeo by day does stunt shows at Universal Studios - he has choreographed all of the sword play for Romeo and Juliet. After every performance of Fiddler - Romeo, Mercutio, Tybalt and the healthy young men of R& J practice sword fighting and perspire and drink beer late into the night. All you could hear for hours was the clattering of the swords and the rain on the roof. More than 30 years later - this once slim pretty girl who played Chava can remember this instantly as one of the most intensely erotic sensations of her young innocent life .....

I’m the mayor who had our community theatre’s production of Anything Goes shut down for blaspheming the name of our lord and savior, Jesus Christ. Blow, Gabriel, Blow?? Not in MY town!

I’m Clay Aiken’s hole. I have nothing to do with this thread other than Rocky’s impressive dong in R4 and R145 has been in me.

I'm the rubes in the audience not understanding Pippin. To be fair, the actors don't get the ending either, which makes the "have you found a treasure" antiques mall/director sigh.

I'm an audience member for a dinner/community theatre production of Proud Tuna in Pearl City, IL over 20 years. It was the first community theatre I attended. It's a two person play and the guys in it were totally committed and everyone loved it.

I understand the point of this thread but it brought back a great memory for me.

^^ You mean Greater Tuna?

Clay Aiken is a top, sorry.

I'm the playhouse run by Christian squares that pays actors 25% of a professional wage and only programs square shows for families.

Our annual cash cow is A CHRISTMAS CAROL, which we're streaming for COVID and making everyone sick with net and billboard ads.

I'm the Dream Ballet.

I got cut.

Probably for the best R184

I'm "Rehearsal Tracks." Canned music for the cast to rehearse with, because the theatre can't afford an orchestra. At one show, the actual performance canned music goes out (soundboard problem, we find out later), during the Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat finale/megamix, and we finish the show a cappella. Audience members later tell us, "You sounded so good, we thought it was supposed to be that way!"

R181 Yes, I meant Greater Tuna! Thank you.

Did anyone do a Turkey Lurkey Time post yet?

We're the old ladies who came straight from church to see the matinee. We'll be complaining about that kiss between the married couple in Barefoot in the Park. Pure filth!

I am the gay guy in the audience who agrees with the two old ladies at R189, but for different reasons. Also, my boyfriend is a Vietnam veteran and he won’t watch the movie because Jane Fonda is in it. I promised him a blow job if he comes to this show.

R190, there's always a few self-loathing gays who'll agree with the church ladies.

I'm the community theater presentation of AUGUST: OSAGE COUNTY that turns out to be the best production of the play you've EVER seen (including Broadway)....

Our production of FOLLIES was better than those ones on Broadway. None of them ever turned a profit, you know.

I'm our local Christian Community Theatre that sanitizes every show -including the titles. Darn Yankees, anyone? Racial epithets removed from West Side Story and replaced with fag jokes. All the gay actors signing purity pledges and having to get their pastor's signature on their audition forms. Adding a new ending to Jesus Christ Superstar to show the resurrection, getting a cease-and-desist from Tim Rice but putting the new ending back the minute the lawyers leave town.

You can't make this shit up...

r192 = the director of said production

Pre Covid I am the Cold and Flu that rages through the cast of The King and I that is playing in a podunk playhouse loved by all in town but BARELY passes fire code. a new over zealous music director urged a January run of The King and I. No one took the time change or the fact that all of the kids are still in school into consideration. I am the freezing back stage area (it is storming outside wet raincoats and umbrellas are tossed all over the dirty couch in the corner) full of stage moms slathering cold wet pancake make on the cold goose bumped legs of the Kings children. I am the clack clack clack in the shaking of the pink can of Temp black hair spray sprayed on countless chubby freckled blonde Siamese Children. .... I am the next day at school the kids that haven’t washed the dye out - “I have a SHOW tonight!”

I am the barely closeted gay teenage boy playing Friedrich in [italic]The Sound of Music[/italic] because they wouldn’t let me play Liesl for obvious reasons and also because I am not yet old enough to play Rolf. When I was younger, I was in [italic]Oliver![/italic] since they wouldn’t let me be in [italic]Annie[/italic]. By the time I am in college I will be playing Link in [italic]Hairspray[/italic]. After I graduate, I will be doing nothing but chorus roles in Disney shows. Anything to avoid following in my father‘s footsteps as a fertilizer salesman.

I'm the effeminate gay actor who doesn't understand why the audience laughs every time I tell my female co-lead that I love her. I even give her a nice peck on the cheek and everything.

I'm the insanely jealous wife or girlfriend of the leading man who attends every rehearsal just to make sure he honors my wishes and doesn't disobey my wishes for him not to kiss the leading lady even though it's in the script and you can't buy their romance at all without it.

I’m Hunter Biden. This is a part of my getting better journey, working in the group. When the curtain rises I’ll sit naked in the bath tub. I drink I smoke through the play while sitting there. At the end of the show I will stand up with full frontal nudity, step out of the tub turn my back to audience and walk to the stage right. I heard it is a sold out season. I wonder why. Will you be there, bitches?

I’m a production of [italic]The Odd Couple[/italic] staged at a Southern Baptist church. Because of a scheduling conflict, opening night is the same day as the church potluck so the show has inadvertently become dinner theater.

I am the chubby teen dance captain for our local production of Carousel. My adolescent remaining baby fat torments me - if I could drop ten pounds I’d play Louise in the dream ballet instead of playing the snotty daughter of Mr Snow. Billy Bigelow is played by a tall blonde star from one of the CBS soaps - he is charming and handsome and always in a hurry and doesn’t know anyone’s name. During a rehearsal of the opening Carousel waltz scene I am enthralled because he keeps catching my eye - Suddenly he yells for the music to stop - and squints and yells at the director, “Jesus F*** - can you move this little fat girl out of my site line.? She is blocking my view of everything!” I buy my first pack of cigarettes on the way home and teach myself to vomit — I drop 25 pounds in 5 weeks and screw up my metabolism for the next twenty years.

I’m the Paper Mill Playhouse in a small town in NJ, but because of my proximity to NYC I get real actors, theater folk and put on world premiere productions that put you other bitches to shame. I’m everything small town community theater should be and more, eat my dust and seethe in envy!

I'm a production of Fiddler On The Roof. All the actors are playing my characters like New York Jew stereotypes and getting huge laughs from the audience who are laughing in all the wrong places.

I'm the all-goyim community production of Fiddler on the Roof that misses all the humor because it is unfamiliar with any of the humor written into the show.

R192 was that production in Kansas, by chance?

I'm R205 and I did it better than R204.

R207, there is room in the world for all kinds of rotten productions of Fiddler on the Roof. There is ample proof that the show can be done badly in an infinite number of ways. I just have a personal history with the all-goyim humorless type of production that makes every character Linda Loman or, perhaps, Mary Tyrone.

I've no doubt whatsoever that the slapstick Fiddler on the Roof is no better than Death of a Dairy Farmer.

I liked your post better than mine R208. I was reading it and thinking, "I wish I wrote that."

Ah, thank you. But I like your production better. And it was your comment that set me to remembering the dreary one in which I was involved.

Go for the laughs. Get them the best way you know how. It will all pass and the script will live on unsullied by the inadequate efforts which have been thrown at it.

I’m “The Fantasticks” - I used to be SO popular - EVERYBODY did me! Every pianist pounded out my dog -eared vocal score. See the faded coffee rings on my cover? Why don’t I get put into a season anymore? .... Hmmm ... This plum is too ripe.

I was a teen actress in many community theater productions in Brewster, NY. Great memories!

I'm the auditions for "Godspell," a show the board decided would appeal to the older folks AND the younger set.

In other words, I'm 64 people of various ages singing the first 30 seconds of "Day By Day."

I'm "Corner of the Sky" and every teen boy and young man sings me for their audtions. Every. One. Of. Them.

I'm " Gimme Gimme," that every teenaged girl sings at auditions.

I’m the terribly precarious finances at the community theater, thus the production of the Last Five Years will only cover the Last Three Years.

I'm the lackluster musicianship of the pit band they managed to afford.

R200. Is it a production of Marat/Sade? With Kellyanne as Charlotte “I Whip My Hair Back and Forth” Corday?

R200. Is it a production of Marat/Sade? With Kellyanne as Charlotte “I Whip My Hair Back and Forth” Corday?

R68, because they sent a rep up to see the first preview which played like King Lear and reported back. Cease & Desist was given and, by opening night, the show had to be played as originally written. I was there. Oh. Dear.

I'm the shouts of "encore" that are hoped for but never materialize.

I’m the closeted gay flirting with the delusional fag hags in the chorus who think I’m their dream guy.

I'm the Director with a theater degree from a 2 year community college. I think I know more about theater than anyone and I'm a functioning alchohic. I direct 1 or 2 shows a year because no one else wants to do it. I cast my girlfriend (also with that same degree) in everything, even when she is totally wrong for the part, and she gives the exact same shrill, uninspired performance every time.

I'm the overweight frau stage manager. I am in love with the director, even though there's no chance he will ever fuck me. He knows my feelings and strings me along enough to convince me to be stage manager, and I'm damn good at it.

I'm the Christian "Family" Youth theater who ANNIE almost every year. We cast the same actress each year in the lead, even though she's over 18 now and way too tall and old for the part, because she auditioned for American Idol one time and her mother is on the Board of the theater.

It's comforting to know that community theatre appears to be the same everywhere. Boy, did I love it. All the useless drama that came with every production because some 62 year old diva is angry she didn't get to play Sally Bowles or the blue haired ladies in the audience found something morally questionable. Every musical usually has one or two people who can genuinely sing and they're rarely cast as the leads for some odd reason. People refuse to change the keys when someone is obviously not able to hit the notes. All the actors refusing to kiss their stage partners or say "damn" or "hell" because their friends from church are coming to see it. It really is where art goes to die.

Still, there were always a few productions or performances that, against all odds, were somewhat memorable for the right reasons. I had fun more often than not.

I'm the production of Steel Magnolias that's gets dragged out every other year starring all your favorite friends from church. It sure is fun to see Mary Ann play that Dolly Parton part and Edna Earl really is a hoot as Ouiser. It's only amusing to us because we know them and anyone that doesn't is appalled by their lack of stage presence or talent.

I am the short pretty blonde - grrr - they are doing “Funny Girl.”;They are going to change the role of Fanny’s black maid/ dresser Emma - I will play her as saucy French maid Colette. I will also swoop into the Follies number “His LoveMakes Me Beautiful” as a little sexy pixie bride on point - I am the only one at the theater that owns point shoes. I dance in them in EVERY SHOW whether it is appropriate or not. When I ‘m not doing my little routines I am outside smoking and complaining. I will lose my looks rather rapidly.

Again, because of budget cuts we will be offering truncated productions this season including 4 Degrees of Separation, 9 Angry Men and Woman and Cheaper by the Half Dozen. Thank you.

I'm the board of directors. We love them ENCORES! shows in New York City because they showed us how to save a lot of money on sets and costumes.

Don't go to all that effort. Give 'em a concert, instead!

[quote]I'm the Director with a theater degree from a 2 year community college. I think I know more about theater than anyone and I'm a functioning alchohic. I direct 1 or 2 shows a year because no one else wants to do it. I cast my girlfriend (also with that same degree) in everything, even when she is totally wrong for the part, and she gives the exact same shrill, uninspired performance every time.

Don't you mean "girlfriend"? Because I doubt there are any straight men or lesbians with a theater degree.

I'm the gayling who is a triple threat. I also play rough and tumble sports, mostly to keep my father happy about me doing dance and theater. I'll be seen in my community theater production of Oliver and will be the stand out. Next year I will be cast in Billy Elliot. Suddenly I'm his favorite child and he'll do endless interviews about how he always supported my love of dance which is so much bullshit, but I'll smile for the cameras.

I'm the Copycat Thread Thief, who just tried to reboot this very thread in Nebraska whilst taking credit for it himself!