Guys Who Say They Want To See You Again or Meet in Person But Really Don't and String You Along

Bravo for giving it the college try. At least you are getting laid. Older guys are pickier and harder to commit to any kind of "thing" than younger guys. At least most young guys want to try a relationship. Older guys less so. Maybe the prince will come along for you. I hope so.

I hooked up with a guy about 10 yrs ago. We met online. I was only looking for a hookup but we spent about 6 hrs in bed and he kept talking about how he wanted to go out on a date with me and he couldn’t wait for me to meet his friends blah blah blah. And I fell for it. Next day I texted and thanked him for a lovely evening and I was looking forward to our date on Friday. He texted back three days later and told me some business thing had come up and had to cancel. Never heard from him again and he blocked me on Manhunt.

Sometimes a girl just needs to hear ‘we.’

I close to your age and I don't like talking on the phone anymore. I'd rather meet in person.

[quote] paying the extra fee for TMC.

What does that mean?

Hon, do you mean The Movie Channel?

Are you communicating from 1983?

Today, there are many premium subscriptions I'd advise you buy to entertain yourself before you resort to that.

Good luck, OP.

It means, Rose, paying to subscribe to The Mormon Channel to watch how to videos on home wool weaving and knitting for Temple garments.

TMC, OP? I googled but the options aren’t great.

too many choices the crystal method the main character

???

R2 wow, that dude was a psycho. You’re lucky to be alive.

R2, why do guys do things like that? It makes no sense to me either. I've met a few guys like that, and it's so weird and unnecessary to deliberately make yourself the bastard. I had a guy go on and on about how he wanted to go on a holiday to Croatia with me etc, and what was so dumb is that I don't NEED that kind of thing. I'm much more Scandinavian in my approach: let's fuck, and if we like each other after that, let's get to know each other more. And if it doesn't work in a romantic way, we can be friends, or drift apart and it's all good, but just be honest. I'm really easy going, and I just don't understand these guys who promise everything and then disappear when you never wanted that in the first place.

Sorry guys I meant Turner Classic Movies.

OP, isn't that free? I'm watching "Crossing Delancey" from 1988 right now. For free. Great movie.

Dammed if you do and dammed if you dont ,OP. I quit trying to figure men out when I was young. I slept with everyone on the first date,figuring at least Id get some dick out of it . When I really liked the guy and thought I wanted more and didnt sleep with them ,they didnt call. When I slept with them,they didnt call . That being said,I had 2 great lovers ,one for 12 years ,one for 7 ,so its just one of those things. Itll happen or it wont.

Anyone else read OP on Coco Peru's voice?

go for the sex. most guys aren't worth meeting again.

Guys like this have always existed OP. It's not something new.

"Disenheartening"

You're merely acting like a human being, OP. Its schocking at first to be devalued. Some just give up at that point. Others persevere, and end up where they started. If you're willing to face that there are disappointments ahead, you may very well finding a life companion. Good luck. It seems there are so few gay guys who actually possess the hope that they can find their version of love after age 23, which, I believe, is the very top of the list of decrepit old age in the gay culture.

[quote] It seems there are so few gay guys who actually possess the hope that they can find their version of love after age 23..

This attitude seems to be very specific to Americans. Because it's simply not true yet I see it repeated over and over here at DL R18.

I am not as old as you OP but it is quite normal.

Many men both want and feel unworthy of love, so they cast the string from desire but never reel it in because they feel unworthy. Fuck them and move on.

On one of my last dates pre-Rona, I went to dinner and a movie with a guy I met online. Perfectly nice guy, cute, but I don’t think either of us felt “it.” We parted ways pleasantly, no talk of a second date. I didn’t text him, he didn’t text me.

I’ll never understand the liars

I think my favorite was the guy who hung out with me til 6 am, talked about how much he wanted to see me again and right after he left, tweeted “can’t all be winners #baddate”

Like...what the actual fuck. Don’t waste my time and Jeep me up til 6 am if you’re not feeling it. And don’t mess with my hand by asking when you can see me again.

[quote]these guys I meet online or in person keep stringing me along. And WTF is with guys not wanting to talk on the phone.

I suggest relaxing expectations in communications:

1.) It doesn't count as stringing you along until you've actually met

2.) Everyone has their own preferred communication channels: maybe you will progress from messages on a sex app to to Whatsapp or other text messages or phone, or some combination with the same person depending on situation. Lots of people hate phone calls or reserve them only for friends of long-standing or family. Finding out what's comfortable for someone else and adjusting to it is easy.

3.) Fuckers will lead you on. Sometimes to avoid the appearance of a not nice guy, because they may genuinely have thought it a good idea but later reconsidered for who knows what reason, because they met someone else, because they think they can meet someone better, because they got distracted or got nervous at the idea, because reasons unknown. There's nothing to do but hold yourself out to the possibility of being led on and disappointed. When someone proposes a follow up to a first meeting, indicate your interest (or disinterest) and set a reasonable timeline to arrange the details. You can contact him if you've not heard from him as he said, but if you don't hear from him again, that one seems a likely No. Spend no more time chasing after him or wondering why. The more you acknowledge that these things often take turns of direction the easier for you.

It’s more annoying that it is always the hot ones that string you along. Then again if they weren’t hot (or good at sex) you would block their flakey asses without a second thought.

[quote]I feel like becoming an alcoholic

We have you that advice when you first posted OP, and you didn't listen!

Just stick to fucking guys, you'll soon find another when youll genuinely click with.

Fuck. Chuck him out afterwards. Then if he texts, he's a keeper.

Just take your expectations down a notch – as far as what is expected outside sex. Some people get just enough emotion in one evening and they’re good for a while-but if you seem to act like you’re expecting more than that – they are going to run. Also get over the talking on the phone thing - absolutely no one wants to do that anymore and it is not going to happen. If you even suggest that, then people are going to think you’re weird – sorry that’s just the way it is today.

But you do sound like a cool guy so I hope you will give it another try.

R23 hits the nail on the head, but I will add that many of these men are already in a relationship of some sort - so you really can't take it personally. Men will lie about many things and being attached is one of the top things that they are often not very forthcoming about. They may have a bf, gf or be married to a male or female. They may have a jealous and all-consuming BFF (weird I know, but I have seen it before). While they may genuinely enjoy spending time with you - just enjoying sex or even conversation with another person is not synonymous with wanting to build an actual ongoing relationship with that person. It takes work and time and some are just not looking for that. Even finding and cultivating new friends can tough - I can barely keep the handful (literally 5 really good friends and then the many offshoots that spiral out from those "point" people) happy. We all only have so much time in our lives outside of work and in many cases - our significant others. So, keep trying OP. The right person always comes along - but rarely do you find them immediately and often you find them in places that you least expected.

Op, you make it seem that at 50, you’re at death’s door or something.

Lots of 50 year old gay men have great social lives. And it often takes numerous hook ups and dates to find someone you click with—that has never changed.

I met a guy in Ptown on Labor Day weekend many years ago. Met him on Saturday afternoon at the beach. Spent Saturday, Sunday and Monday with the guy, including dinner Saturday night with his housemates.

On Monday, as he was leaving, he gave me his home phone number, his work phone number and cell phone number, without me asking for it.

A couple of weeks later I call the guy, who is surprised and dismayed that I have contacted him. His response was "I never would have given you those numbers if I thought you were dumb enough to actually call them."

What R3 said. You're 50? I'm 52 and a phone conversation that lasts more than 30 seconds drives me up a wall.

I think post nut clarity is where a lot of the blame lies for these kinds of problems.

R30 that guy is a fucking weirdo and you should be glad he showed himself to you as early as he did, you deserve a lot better than to get entangled in a relationship with that kind of person.

R30, you read that guy wrong.

You spent three days straight with him, he gave you all his numbers--he wanted you to call his right away. He spent those intervening weeks wondering WTF you didn't call him, if you played him, if you had forgotten him. He thought you had made a fool out of him.

By the time you got around to calling him, he had spent weeks stewing and pissed off--and so made that comment to hurt you.

^^him, not his

Last year, ski shop, encounter, most interesting. Had his number but never the time (most of '81 passed along those lines). Flashback to springtime, saw him again, would've been good to go for lunch. Couldn't agree when we were both free, we tried, we said we'd keep in touch.

Didn't, of course, 'til summertime out to the beach to his boat could I join him? No, this time it was me, sunburn in the third degree.

Last fall I had a night to myself, same guy called, Halloween party. Waited all night for him to show - this time his car wouldn't go.

A&P has provided me with the world's smallest turkey. Already in the oven, nice and hot. Oh damn! Guess what I forgot? So on, with the boots, back out in the snow to the only all-night grocery, when what to my wondering eyes should appear: in the line is that guy I've been chasing all year. "I'm spending this one alone," he said. "Need a break, this year's been crazy". I said, "Me too, but why are you? You mean you forgot cranberries too?"

Then suddenly we laughed and laughed, caught on to what was happening. That Christmas magic's brought this tale to a very happy ending.

Sorry, R30, you waited too long to call. R33 is right, by the time you finally did call, he'd decided he was done with you and said what he did to make sure you didn't call back.

OP, the fuckery you describe is all too common an occurrence between men who date men. From what I hear women who date straight men experience the same types of reactions. The thrill of the hunt drives much of the overripe wooing guys perpetrate on one another. Ultimately it comes down to feeling unworthy of the trust that the perpetrator has been able to con out of the victim. By getting you to want them, they have affirmed their worth, by rejecting you they feel superior. Underneath that superiority is a sense of being unworthy of trust or love. You can't solve that in another person, so just move on.

The best thing about this discussion is the inevitable realization that this is a psychological pattern many men have and it has nothing to do with you or your attractiveness or worth on any level.

R30 If you wait two weeks to call (or text) after a hook up, YOU are the string along-er.

It’s mostly liberal white guys who pull this shit. They will create the biggest lies just to avoid the tiniest amount of confrontation.

In college, I did not want a boyfriend. Always made it known I was not a relationship type. Despite this I got a reputation for being heartless because I only wanted sex and despite making that clear, some guys always wanted more with me.

Pretty much all the liberal white gays would make it sound like it was the worst thing that I didn’t want a boyfriend. They’d try and make themselves sound better by constantly talking about how they were looking for love and didn’t want to play games. But that’s all they’d do. Each week they’d justify their new fuck buddy by claiming it was a serious dating relationship but each week they’d start a new relationship even though the week before they gush over being in love. Many times they’d start a new relationship without needing the previous one. A few times I’d call them out on this but then they’d claim the person they ghosted was violent hence them needing to lie. Some of these guys were 6ft tall but they’d justify their lying asses by claiming the person they ghosted was dangerous and violent.

That was over a decade ago. I’ve now been in a stable relationship for the past 4 years. Meanwhile, all the other guys who didn’t play games and we’re only looking for real love are still single complaining there’s no good guys out there.

What University did you attend r39?

Fairydust and Unicorn University, R40.

That's pretty obviously a ham-fisted attempt to turn this into a Democrat-bashing thread.

[Quote] a lot of the good advice I got from DL

Oh OP whatever shall we do with you. And you're 50 you say?

R33, R36 and R38: ready to call U-Haul after the first date.

OP, why are the other two options becoming an alcoholic or subscribing to Turner Classic Movies? That's just so specific it tickled me.

I wish you the best of luck, dear heart!

You deserve better OP.

You get back on that horse and find another ride.

R30 what the actual fuck? That there is some cray cray fuckery, just about beats all I seen

Even if someone left it two weeks before getting back I'd still be delighted to hear from them and be open to making arrangements to meet again. People get busy, they may have a job that takes them out on the road awhile, family crisis etc etc. Anyone with a shred of maturity understands these things

Y'all dodged a bullet. .45 calibre too

[quote]People get busy

If you can't be bothered to send a quick text like "hey - it was great to meet you! things are crazy right now but I wall call you as soon as I get a break" you ain't all that interested.

OP/R2, straight guys operate the same way: say anything, get what they want, lose interest, on to the next. It's just how men (in general) get their nut. Men looking for a consistent relationship, even just a sexual NSA relationship, are rare.

OP, only thing I can recommend is persistence. Its a lottery, and it can take a fair time to hit the jackpot. I found myself single and more than a bit damaged at your age, but after a bit less than a year found love, I'm still with him, best I ever had. But fuck there are a shitload of flakes out there

[quote]After taking a lot of the good advice I got from DL

This is as far as I got. I'm gobsmacked, cornfuzzled and incredulous that anyone would actually give credence to anything they read on DL.

Most gentlemen don't like love, they just like to kick it around.

R35 Can it, corn ball. Sheesh!

Remember OP that for a lot of guys, the leap from "I want to have sex with another man" to "I want to be in a loving relationship with another man" is a huge one and many never get past it. So while it all sounds good while you're in bed, when they get home and think about what dating would mean, they shy away.

Also agree 100% with those who say that R30 waited too long.which was what caused the reaction.

The problem with dating over 40 or 45 is that some are getting out of long term relationships and don't want to get into another one soon, others are looking for the bigger and better deal - always on the look out for something better, and still others are single still because they're just not good partners.

It's never easy for anyone - so why should it be different for gay men? Lots of people - straight and gay - end up settling to one degree or another.

The other problem is - how hard do you push when you first get to know someone? In order to not seem desperate, you have to show some distance. If you push to see someone too much or too often, then you're labeled 'needy'.

It's a dumb game where everyone is trying to be blase to protect themselves.

If you were a 16 year old girl I'd say they were fuckboys because it sounds like the same kind of behavior. How old are the guys you've been meeting, btw? lol

R52 better be under 30 years old.

Not even R56

I am 36 but know that song well because it gets played pretty much non-stop on the radio, in stores, etc., every Christmas since I can remember.

And we have had a good week or two of Christmas music already

OP you sound needy and desperate, and they sense this, you sounded good for the moment but they are on to chasing the next great thing. Gay men are always looking for something better.

I met a guy online and thought he was handsome and he liked my looks, too (unbelievably). We arranged a lunch date, but I had to cancel a week ahead for a legitimate reason. He flew off the handle, got really mad and said he didn't want me to contact him again. I guess he must have had some bad experiences before. Maybe I was lucky.

[quote]And WTF is with guys not wanting to talk on the phone

They're whores talking to 900 people or they're embarrassed because off their voice or they really don't want to give out their number

I am gobsmacked. Insincere and game playing gay men are so rare.

People are noncommittal in general. My guess is that nobody wants to put themselves out there and risk rejection, no matter how small the rejection. People are just more comfortable in very surface relationships (Facebook friends, following someone on Instagram, etc.).

If you're seeking a one-on-one, intimate relationship, expect difficulties.

Not wanting to chat on the phone was always a red flag for me. It means they can't hold a conversation. They aren't interested in anything and they're not interested in you.

I do remember 'clicking' with someone on the phone and talking for hours. Then meeting them and realizing- even after exchanging photos- that there was no physical attraction. That's a weird feeling.

It might just mean they are younger than you, R63. Generations have been raised unaccustomed to talking for hours on the phone as this now 4-year-old article (which suggests that the telephone call died in 2007.)

My father would as soon have chewed off a leg than to chatter away for hours on a telephone, now people born 75 years later feel the same way. When SMS was introduced in 1992, many shook their heads and said what's the point of that? Who would ever use such a thing? Those doubters are now in the minority.

Not liking to chat on the telephone isn't indicative of anything now. But liking to chat on the telephone probably means you're older.

[quote]Not wanting to chat on the phone was always a red flag for me. It means they can't hold a conversation. They aren't interested in anything and they're not interested in you.

This is a laughably absurd over-generalization with a side order of dubious extrapolation.

How old are you that you still have "telephone conversations?"

I like to tease cocks

I have hooked up with so many men that say stuff like “we should date,” and “I make a good boyfriend” while we’re having sex. The second he has an orgasm, it’s “that was fun. Goodbye.”

So. I don’t take any of that seriously at all any more

When I was first coming out, meeting hookups, and making friends—so many guys would say, “I’m going out with friends on Sat, you should come along.”

And then I would wait by my cell, making no other plans, hoping for a call that never came.

Men suck

The internet sex sites exposed men for what they really were: cockhounds. The bars closed-up. No one was looking for a "relationship" anymore because they didn't need it.

Today a relationship means, "I need your income to make my dreams come true".

R63 good grief, dear. You must be well into your 70s.

I’m 40 and I hate talking on the phone OP. It’s nothing about the other person - I just don’t like it - creates anxiety for me. Would rather text and meet in person.

Loosen that expectation re: the phone. Not saying I’m a prize but you might be discounting some good guys who just hate the phone.

R71 with you there, I'm older than you, I hate talking on the phone for ages too, far rather do that in person

50's here ended relationship last week, not interested in another. I plan to stay home and only leave when I have to. OP btw, TCM sucks lately, I see more stuff for free on Youtube. I have been strung along, invited to the family cabin for the weekend...planned, packed and heard nothing. When I did hear from the asshole he said that he was busy etcetc. I am done with dating.

I just snap a pic of my shit in the toilet and text it to them saying this is how I feel about you.

R43 You spent three nights together and even met his friends. This wasn’t a guy you blew in a dark alley one night, you were a jackass and that guy is probably better off.

My friend is the exact opposite. If he's not feeling it, he politely lets guys know he doesn't want to waste their time and string them along.

To which my friend gets called every name in the book because he's "self loathing", "afraid of commitment", and "not giving a good guy a chance".

You can't win with some people.

Sometimes it’s easier to be ghosted after one date than have a person explain to you that you are a really great person but they don't see you a future with you romantically. I’ve had guys explain that over text and it makes me feel shitty too. And then I’m like ughhhhh they could have just ghosted me and I would have gotten the message. I don’t need some long text explaining they aren’t attracted to me but best of luck in my search blah blah blah.

I understand that’s the more mature way of addressing things rather than ghosting. Rejection just sucks. It’s going to sting no matter what.

I am so glad I am retired from all this shit. People of quality are rare, rarer still online. I like being single.

Hard to believe that ALL these guys just up and decide not to contact you, possibly maybe just possibly, could it be YOU? You do sound rather demanding and intense.

I met "Dan" online and we really hit it off. We made a date and after dinner, he told me he just didn't feel "it" once we met. I was crushed because I did. I thanked him for the honesty and we parted ways. I thought that was it until I started bumping into him randomly 6 months later. It sucked at first, but he's a good guy and now we're friends and I'm over it. I'm glad he didn't just ghost me.

R80 He basically told you , that you were too ugly in person to fuck.

R81 I get it. And that stung. But it was better than him leading me on.

As I got older, I realized that, if someone really likes you, they'll act quickly and do whatever it takes to spend time with you. Also, as time goes by, people will take each other for granted. If someone, right off the bat, leaves you hanging, takes you for granted, what will it be like later?

Agreed, R83. I know this from my talent of meeting men on the last day or two of vacations. It would be entirely reasonable to just write off any connection as a one-time, never to be repeated thing, but those who took some trouble to plan to meet again were the best to date.

I had a second date with a guy and thought things were going great. I called him and he was like, "Well, I'm going to be out-of-town", "I've got to meet my professor", excuse after excuse, each getting more ridiculous. I didn't take the hint until I hung up, though. It would have been better if he ghosted me, I felt so stupid.

Thanks guys. Excellent comments. I feel so much better. I didn't realize how so many gay men feel about phone calls today. In some cases I may be coming across as needy or demanding. I'll work on that. If you want to see them again or meet them for the first time tell them. If they give some kind of positive response invite them to do something at a specific date and time within a week. If they accept and appear great. If they make an excuse wait for them to invite you somewhere. If they don't that's it. If you're not feeling it don't ghost them be a man and tell them politely. They may not be feeling it either. That's my plan. What do you think guys?

OP / R86, sounds like a good plan. I'm glad you asked this question. The Q&A helped me, as well, to feel better. The only thing I'd adjust is this:

[quote] If they make an excuse wait for them to invite you somewhere.

If they make an excuse, I would immediately write them off and not even devote mental space to them.

I'm genuinely baffled by guys who say they'd rather be ghosted than have something say they aren't interested.

This site is full of old faggots thinking they’re owed attention and sex. You’re old, out of shape and undesirable. Why the fuck would self respecting guys want you?

R88 those men who would prefer to be ghosted aren’t much different from the men who ghost... both would prefer to avoid any type of conflict and go about creating scenarios around them, basically rationalizing, their chickenshittiness.

I’d suggest this is a result of our society’s affinity for instant gratification, selfish navel-gazing, and consequence-free lifestyles. I’ll admit I had stupid, selfish and shallow dating habits when younger, but if I had to date now, I would eschew those behaviours. In the end, dating shouldn’t be any different than trying to establish a decent friendship, it takes work, effort, and a bit of human empathy.

[quote] Dammed if you do and dammed if you dont ,OP.

Oh, [italic]damn...[/italic] I mean, oh, [italic]dear.[/italic]

I always found it passive-aggressive or mean or something to get the, "Can I be honest with you?..." They enjoy it too much (usually the feeling's mutual anyway). Would you tell a job applicant, "You're just not what we're looking for, Miss Sandstone"?

I'd rather be ghosted.

Sounds reasonable, R86/OP.

[quote]If they give some kind of positive response invite them to do something at a specific date and time within a week. If they accept and appear great. If they make an excuse wait for them to invite you somewhere. If they don't that's it.

I would only suggest that if you propose a second meeting and the guy makes an excuse without suggesting an alternate plan, that that's a bit of a clue but not definitive.

You could say, "if you find you have time and want to get together in the next two weeks/before the end of the month [some fairly specific time frame], text me, I'll be glad to hear from you."

It's a clear indication of interest, but not pushy, and with an implied expiration date to the offer.

I hate (and I have been guilty of this myself) when you have a great rapport with someone on line, often for weeks, but the millisecond you see them in person, the lack of sexual attraction completely negates any connection you had at all.

I lived in Boston for a bit just as the various hookup sites were getting going. People always seems to chat at first like you’re meeting someone new before you got to the sexual questions.

When I moved to NYC, I was shocked that on those very same apps, interactions always started with “so what are you into”-type questions. After a while, I got to appreciate this straightforward approach because, in the end, that’s what your on the apps for afterall

Ghosting sucks specifically when you’re into the guy

I hate the “Keep Friday free—I’m going to a party and you should join me”-like statements. I used to believe people and wait around until they called me with plans.

So many times, they never call.

A flaky acquaintance even did that far too many times and I completely cut his narcissistic self out of my life.

[Quote] I know this from my talent of meeting men on the last day or two of vacations. It would be entirely reasonable to just write off any connection as a one-time, never to be repeated thing, but those who took some trouble to plan to meet again were the best to date.

Exactly. But when we first start dating, we want to find love and. It feel so jaded about people. It’s so heartbreaking when people you thing you have a connection with feel nothing for you.

The problem comes when you actively want to spend more time with a guy but then, instead of being straight with you, the lying and excuses start

I had much better luck after leaving LA and settling in Kansas City.

Ghosting is not so bad if you've had just one "date." In fact, not sure I'd even call it "ghosting" after one date.

If you've had a longer relationship, then I think most people want an explanation.

[quote]How old are you that you still have "telephone conversations?"

I live in Boston and my best friend lives in San Francisco. Every couple of months we have a 1 or 2 hour phone conversation. So - we're middle aged. My question is, what are you bragging about, if you're a kid? That you can't connect with someone, or have a long conversation? What do you do, text a few lines? Why are you proud of being distant with people?

Plus one for phone here. I kept in touch with fellow aficionados for long chats pre-Covid - and plague restrictions enhance the pleasure.

These chats include family, friends, and fellow frustrated gay men. (Not on conference call.) It's good to talk, and variously affirmative. Immersive interaction, with no need to get out of bed.

[quote] How old are you that you still have "telephone conversations?"

Man, I have my best meetings on the phone while walking the dog. Especially, now since Covid, I use the call in option (without video) on Zoom, and no one I work with knows I'm on my stationery bike while listening in.

[quote]Every couple of months we have a 1 or 2 hour phone conversation. So - we're middle aged. My question is, what are you bragging about, if you're a kid? That you can't connect with someone, or have a long conversation? What do you do, text a few lines? Why are you proud of being distant with people?

Darling, 85 is not middle aged, and it's time for your pill.

R103 My dude in another post you say you're 52, so I'm younger than you, and you probably don't like to talk on the phone because you got nobody.