Let's be your batshit crazy roommate.

Unless he’s quite attractive, I don’t want a naked roommate hanging around the house.

I'm the passive aggressive Post-it notes.

I'm the weird stains.

I'm the line of light under the closed bedroom door at 3 in the morning.

I'm bright green...

Stains, where? Maybe I shouldn't ask.

In my 20s I moved to a new city and became roommates with the daughter of my dads friend. He owned the house but she lived there. She was this really unfortunate looking woman in her late 20s. Seriously she was one of the ugliest women I’ve ever seen and I’d feel bad if she weren’t such a tacky person. She worked at McDonald’s, was obsessed with Disney and the Backstreet Boys and was dating this 18 year old meth addict looking kid who had been fired from the McDonald’s where she worked. I got the hell out of there fast.

I'm the increasingly disturbing things in the fridge that should not be in the fridge - car keys, Japanese cigarettes, condoms, a diamond necklace, Tarot cards, a severed thumb.

I'm the albino ferret.

I'm the empty tarantula tank.

I'm the jar of low-fat mayo next to the bed.

I'm the soundtrack of Sweeney Todd played non-stop 24/7.

I’m the vodka bottles filled with urine at the bottom of the garbage bag dumped in the trash cans sometime mid-day when the rest of us were out of the apartment.

I'm the unwashed dishes.

I’m the very large candy cane my female roommate was using as a dildo when I walked in...and it was my candy cane!

I'm the skinny actor with no butt who always walked around naked and was once found standing nude on the dining room table changing a light bulb.

I'm the snotty note placed under your windshield wiper, so you have to get back out of the car to get it to grab it. Bitch!

The smoke alarms started beeping because the batteries needed to be changed. Instead of taking them down and changing them, I disable them and leave them laying with the battery out. I walk by them every day. They have been there for weeks.

Actual photo of one.