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Let's be a lesbian Thanksgiving 2020 style.

I'm Kim, the lipstick lesbian nurse manning the front door with infrared thermometer in hand and a vagina face mask.

by Anonymousreply 5615 hours ago

I'm the zoom calls in lieu of a gathering.

by Anonymousreply 111/17/2020

I hope that turkey baster is CLEAN.

by Anonymousreply 211/17/2020

I'm Roxane Gay, nauseating everyone with her "cooking".

by Anonymousreply 311/17/2020

I’m the nutloaf. This year I’m cooking for 120 minutes at 500 degrees instead of the 90 minutes at 475 outlined in the Jill Sobule cookbook. Wanna make sure any possible cortin-18 germs get baked off.

Despite the possible presence of virus particulate still alive inside me, unsurprisingly the principal dispute among the womyn in attendance is about the presence, absence, and/or quantity of cilantro I contain.

by Anonymousreply 411/17/2020

The Jill Sobule Cookbook? I love it! What's the title, "I Kissed a Grill"?

by Anonymousreply 511/17/2020

I'm Jeanette, and I brought this lovely assorted pack of Essential Oil disinfectant wipes for everyone. There's Eucalyptus, Rosemary, Tea Tree, Lavender, and Citrus.... please take a few for later!

by Anonymousreply 611/17/2020

I’m the keg of Keystone Light that’s been lovingly decanted into individual mason jars and sterilized like a pot of peach preserves. There’s no COVID left in me, but I’m now thicker than Aunt Jemima and skunkier than Pepe La Pew.

by Anonymousreply 711/17/2020

I'm the new deck just built during the quarantine.

by Anonymousreply 811/17/2020

I'm the rescue animal adopted during the quarantine by each Zoomsgiving participant. I'll interrupt the zoom multiple times so all the participants can see how fast I go from adorable and cuddly to bat shit crazy and destructive. I remind everyone of their most recent ex.

by Anonymousreply 911/17/2020

I’m the Amy, still sleeping in Bev’s guest room. I was going to move out early this year but then the pandemic hit, which I am going to milk for as long as possible, and I only felt safe staying here.

I will be attending.

by Anonymousreply 1011/17/2020

I'm the Zoom call between Kim, Kelly, Kelly's ex (also named Kim), Rashonda, Andrea and her new nonbinary partner Aisyn, Terri (who has dated both Kelly and the other Kim), Diandra (Terri's new flame whom no one thinks will last), and Terri's mother, who is recovering from COVID and is Zooming in from her lockdown condo with a Lean Cuisine microwave turkey-and-stuffing dinner.

by Anonymousreply 1111/17/2020

I'm the antibacterial wipes on the porch to disinfect canes before entering.

by Anonymousreply 1211/17/2020

I'm the boundaries being set. I'm telling you now...

by Anonymousreply 1311/17/2020

I’m Nat and I actually had corona pretty early on in May. I’m fully back to good health except for a touch of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Although I’d already self-diagnosed it a year ago, my CFS will be one of the more heated topics at dinner, whereupon I’ll storm out after screaming “YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT’S LIKE HAVING TO FIGHT THIS VIRUS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE”!

by Anonymousreply 14Last Wednesday at 12:56 AM

I’m the tofu Turkey, organic stuffing, and glutton free, non-dairy pumpkin pie that “Cosmic Moon” brought to the party to impress her new girlfriend, Teddy’s friends. That shit lands in the compost pile after the first round of eating. Teddy tells Cosmic that Nat probably hid it from everyone so that she could have all the leftovers because “your shit was sooo good babe.”

by Anonymousreply 15Last Wednesday at 1:08 AM

I'm the turkey-retentive dyke, who puts the bird in the oven as the guests arrive. But there are rice cakes to snack on for 4 hours.

by Anonymousreply 16Last Wednesday at 1:35 AM

I'm Kris, terrified of coronavirus when I should be more concerned about fatty liver disease.

by Anonymousreply 17Last Wednesday at 1:38 AM

I come wearing my vagina face mask. I wear it throughout the day. I've cut a slit in it to help make it easier to eat and drink. I must've made the same joke 20 times as I ate, "Look, gals! It really does have teeth! AHAHAHAHAHAHA"

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by Anonymousreply 18Last Wednesday at 1:43 AM

I'm the conspiracy theorist one (or maybe several). Here's a quick rundown of the BS I'll be spewing all evening as the night (and booze) rolls on:

Masks are designed to silence womyn, vaccines are a plot to turn womyn into men, social distancing is to stuff women organizing, Joe Biden wants to put lesbians in concentration camps, vaginal yeast can cure coronavirus...

by Anonymousreply 19Last Thursday at 2:19 AM

[quote]and glutton free

No lesbian celebration could ever be "glutton-free."

by Anonymousreply 20Last Thursday at 8:27 AM

I’m the one who is discussing the thesis she STILL hasn’t completed despite not having left the house in months — Discocervix: Phallic Trends and Female Subjugation in Disco, 1977 - 1978.

by Anonymousreply 21Last Thursday at 11:22 AM

I’m the one who was sloppily dressed and gaining weight pre-Covid.

I’m actually all of them.

by Anonymousreply 22Last Thursday at 11:53 AM

I’m the boundaries, the pandemic has made me stricter than eve.

by Anonymousreply 23Last Thursday at 12:13 PM

I’m the moderately used new quad parked outside in the dirt

by Anonymousreply 24Last Thursday at 12:16 PM

I'm the leftover nut loaf in the deep freeze, left over from Easter. I will be put into the compost heap and replaced by the leftover nut loaf from Thanksgiving.

by Anonymousreply 25Last Thursday at 12:33 PM

I'm Cyn (government name Cynthia) and I walk in with a sweet potato casserole and about 45 minutes of conversation ready for whomever brings up women's soccer first.

by Anonymousreply 26Last Thursday at 12:39 PM

[quote]I’m the boundaries, the pandemic has made me stricter than eve.

Stricter than Eve? But that bitch was a slut!

by Anonymousreply 27Last Thursday at 1:55 PM

I'm Trish, and I suffer from terrible flatulence on a good day. I won't be coming this year, as the Nutloaf is indigestible, and unfit for dogs, let alone humans. I'll see everyone on the Zoom chat, and enjoy REAL turkey this year! All those essential oils make me sick as well. Between the wipes and the candles, and my gas, I'm out.

by Anonymousreply 28Last Thursday at 1:59 PM

I'm Lisa! I just sent a group text to the women, "Coming in hot with homemade titty cupcakes!!!! 👻"

by Anonymousreply 29Last Thursday at 2:25 PM

Im the compostable toilet. The nutloaf will keep me busy for hours

by Anonymousreply 30Last Thursday at 2:28 PM

I'm the pre-meal ritual of everyone citing what they're grateful for, and someone will mention Megan Rapinoe.

by Anonymousreply 31Last Thursday at 4:40 PM

NOT FUNNY. Why are you doing this to me?

by Anonymousreply 32Last Thursday at 4:43 PM

I’m the guest at loose ends wearing argyle sweater vest and golf visor/spiky hair. I can only talk about sports, cats, and who’s single again. Now pass me an orange slice for my Blue Moon Ale and I’ll tell you about Jenna’s divorce.

by Anonymousreply 33Last Thursday at 4:47 PM

I'm lateness to dinner. I simply will not be tolerated.

by Anonymousreply 34Last Thursday at 5:05 PM

I'm the single mother who tuned into my Sapphic side after divorcing my ex-husband at 27. I'm an office manager and, taking a cue from working from home, attempt to get everyone on the Zoom call to recreate The Brady Bunch opening.

by Anonymousreply 35Last Thursday at 5:07 PM

I’m personality disorder Pam. I like to tell lies about sex attacks I’ve survived, and violence perpetrated upon me. I forget that I told half the room my father raped me and the other half that he’s my hero.

by Anonymousreply 36Last Thursday at 5:20 PM

I’m the sad fact that nobody will get to see my exposed cankles thanks to cargo pants on the zoom call.

by Anonymousreply 37Last Thursday at 9:14 PM

I’m the moment talk turns to the election....

I will end in tears

by Anonymousreply 38Last Thursday at 9:15 PM

Susan Collins is a longtime champion for women. She’s not like those other Republicans.

by Anonymousreply 39Last Thursday at 9:16 PM

Pam policing the group with bid dick energy. She wants everyone to act right.

by Anonymousreply 40Last Friday at 3:16 PM

I'm Ruth, the hypochondriac of the group. I have a long list of debilitating ailments I never really divulge but constantly speak about broadly that render me unable to hold a full time job and on disability for the foreseeable future. I am walking around checking everyone's phone to assess proof of a current negative test that was taken no later than two days ago. I'm gonna lose my shit if an 11th person shows up and threatens my already vulnerable health and psyche with the disregard for the CDC guidelines.

by Anonymousreply 41Last Friday at 3:33 PM

I'm Jacky, an abortion doula. I'm hiding three teenage girls in my basement as we speak.

I'll take all the leftovers off your hands.

by Anonymousreply 42Last Friday at 6:36 PM

I'm the one who still hasn't found the time to read Hillary's latest book. I will pretend I have though.

by Anonymousreply 43Last Saturday at 1:05 AM

Okay, like last year I'm Marge again - holding up the festivities by trying to parallel park my big rig

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by Anonymousreply 44Last Saturday at 2:08 AM

"My name's Britney, but my friends call me Tank. Keep the nut loaf warm for me - on my way, girls!"

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by Anonymousreply 45Last Saturday at 2:11 AM

I'm Ash to my found family and Nicole to my actual family. I'm a pro at code switching and am committed to keeping up appearances for my 70 year old Pentecostal mother, who has no idea that I'm meeting my girlfriend Beth at the women's dinner shortly...Thanks for the carryout container of overly salted mashed potatoes, mom...

by Anonymousreply 46Last Saturday at 11:11 AM

I'm Flo. Kim invited me but not my dear mother Bertha C Fishler. So, Im not going this year...I had promised to bring the turkey, all cooked and ready but fuck them....and no I have told them

by Anonymousreply 47Last Saturday at 11:57 AM

I'm the rules of potluck, being disobeyed.

Each one of these girls is fat and cheap.

They all brought $5 worth of food each and will consume $10 each.

by Anonymousreply 48Yesterday at 1:03 AM

I'm Brittany aka Tank just out of prison and looking for a new girl.

My preferred type of woman is a '40s film-noir dame who likes being slapped around.

You'd never guess it to look at me, but I'm quite confident that I will leave here tonight with someone.

by Anonymousreply 49Yesterday at 2:29 AM

I'm glad I don't have to worry about finding chips of nail polish or hairs in the tofurkey meatballs.

by Anonymousreply 50Yesterday at 2:30 AM

I am the one already rehearsing my lines for the argument I plan to start about how patriarchal Thanksgiving and the Pilgrims are.

by Anonymousreply 51Yesterday at 2:34 AM

I'm the incense making everyone feel queasy.

by Anonymousreply 52Yesterday at 9:50 AM

I’m the ghetto that surrounds this little bohemian sapphic enclave. Money earned in janitorial is not for rent but for the $750 monthly payment on the Ford F450 in the yard.

by Anonymousreply 53a day ago

I'm the gay nephew that had no place else to go and can't believe he got talked into this hormone shitshow.

by Anonymousreply 5419 hours ago

I'm Al (Allison) and my auto-immune disorder puts me at increased risk if I catch COVID.

It also means I can't bring any hostess gift, can't help clean-up, and can't turn up on time.

Nobody has ever asked me exactly what I have been diagnosed with, which is good for me since the answer is nothing.

by Anonymousreply 5515 hours ago

I’m the missing turkey neck being smuggled out for a “snack” later. Fran says she’d rather stand and eat in the kitchen, thank you.

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by Anonymousreply 5615 hours ago
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