Let's share awkward, socially inept stories

I'll probably get crucified for this story, but it won't be the first time on DL that's happened. Several years ago on Father's Day Weekend, I was visiting my family back East and we all went to church in Atlanta at my sister's church (I believe it was Presbyterian). The church itself was very old and the sermon by the older pastor went on and on to the point I got up and went to the bathroom just to take a breather. Anyway, after church this guy (mid-30s) who'd been eyeing me before, during, and after the service came up and asked if I was a visitor. I told him who my sister was (she was standing several feet away), and he said something about what a great fashion sense she had. (Then I clearly knew I was dealing with another homo.)

Anyway, the guy literally followed me outside the church and kept talking and asking questions like how long I was going to be in town, etc. Essentially trying to get into my pants right in the church parking lot. For whatever reason, my family had left me stranded alone with this guy (my mother later said she thought I somehow knew him and was catching up), and so when I was finally tired of his talking and invasive questions, I just blurted out, "Well it was nice to meet you. Happy Father's Day, even though I'm sure you're not a father." If looks could kill, I would've been struck dead as he glared back and said, "Actually, I am a father. Good day to you." He huffed on and I was relieved to be rid of him.

No sooner had we gotten back to my sister's house than the guy had texted my sister (they were apparently in a Bible study together) and told her how rude I was to him. I told her to text him back and tell him stop trolling for dick at church. (Not in those exact words, but in a more roundabout, Southern innuendo-ish way.) Turns out the guy was married (to another guy) and they'd just adopted a baby who's been baptized at the church like a month before. Yet another reason for him not to be trolling for dick at church!

R1 why on earth would you be crucified for that boring-ass non story?

Brevity, people, good lord. .

Maybe he just identified you as gay, R1, and was looking for someone to talk to.

R3 If a 300-word story is too much for you, you might want to look into ADHD medication. :)

Donald Trump is a socially retarded autistic turd.

I had a business acquaintance/bordering on actual friend who was a beautiful fat woman. At the grand opening of one of her businesses, she wore a stunning pink dress that looked gorgeous on her, but it was sort of a tent style with a lot of pleats. I said to her, "Oh, you look so pretty in all that pink!" I was mortified, and there was no way to fix it. She effusively told me thank you, and then we moved on. I felt so awful, because I really liked her and she was a lovely person inside and out.

My partner and I were at my sister's house a few years ago for dinner. My 9th grade nephew says, out of the blue, could he ask us about gay stuff. We said yes, somewhat nervously. He just says, "So wouldn't it hurt to have something stuck up into your butt? I mean for man/woman, she gets wet, right? How does that work for gay sex?" We answered awkwardly, but honestly. He said he had no more questions.

I was walking back from a restaurant with friends and the subject of cars came up. I had recently bought a Jaguar; I was asked about it and if I'd considered a Lexus... the boyfriend of a friend pointed to a Lexus IS in the road and asked "do you like that?". I laughed and said "no, it's hideous!". He wasn't very happy, he'd just got it. Whoops!

I was a newby at an AA meeting. After the meeting, a young man - who had nothing to say during the meeting - came up to me and started talking. I thought maybe it's because I was older than most of the other men there. Once he started talking, he couldn't stop. He began with both of his parents had died within the past two months, he had a girlfriend/fiancé who suddenly ghosted him and he can't find her. I told him I felt badly for him and started toward the parking lot. He stayed with me and continued talking all the way to my car. Would I be back next week, I was so easy to talk to, etc. I agreed with anything he asked or said, got in my car and sped away.

Of course I never returned but I think about that young man once in awhile. Did I dodge something creepy or was he really in pain?

One day on a stroll in the UWS, I gestured toward an absolutely gauche young socialite whose family wasn't even worth eight figures and I pointed out that her Gucci sunglasses were LAST SEASON. I didn't even realize when I did it that my friend was wearing a Prada jacket from TWO seasons ago! Whoops and tee hee!

R10, he really was in pain, but he was what is called "mocus," a mixed-up out-of-focus state that describes many AA newbies. If he kept going to meetings, he is likely fine and perhaps hoping the kind man who listened to him that night found whatever he was looking for.

OP here. R11, you reminded me of something I did that haunts me a little bit.

I was on a writers' retreat across the country, and most of the people were pretty young. There was one very anxious woman who became very upset that she believed she had pinkeye and everyone avoided her like she had the plague. She confessed to me that she had an artificial leg and somewhat limited mobility and so I sort of stuck by her, feeling a little protective. She was actually very nice and interesting, albeit with a strong personality. She was from my area and it turned out we had the same flight home and we sat together. We landed, and we were heading back together but both had to use the bathroom. I came out and my dad called to say he was at the airport to pick me up. I paused for a moment and then for reasons I don't understand, I ran for the luggage carousel panicked that she would see me there and then I left. Never saw her again. I should have stuck around and walked back with her but I bailed out and although it's a minor incident I have never forgiven myself or even understood why I ran away.

R8 You and your partner should start a podcast for kids with questions about gay life. You did a great job with that young man!

That poor kid was just trying to figure out how he can get objects up his butt.

R8, I love the idea of one of you explaining the prostate while someone is asking for more mashed potatoes.

R12 Thank you. I had been through some relationships where I was the 'dumping place' for personal information I never requested. When I was younger, I took it as an affirmation that I must be some kind of wonderful listener and invested emotional energy into 'helping' the person only to discover their neediness was a huge black hole. Now, I'm much more cautious thus my concern for that young man and whether I avoided a bad situation or left him adrift.

I actually had an old inept moment pop into my mind again recently.

About 25 years ago, I was volunteering for a theater group - backstage tech kinda stuff. We were doing an LGBT themed play and we had this beautiful, beautiful man in our cast - so nice, so sweet. The play runs for four weeks. After the second Thursday, the beautiful, sweet guy.....kills himself. We are all stunned.

Theater leadership wisely asks for a grief counselor. People are asked as they go around the room to say something and when I speak.....I just said really inane, dumb stuff. I couldn't get close to my emotions then, couldn't allow myself to cry. So I said something like, although we're here for terrible reasons I'm glad to be around all these nice people, etc.

One of the actors followed me and it was all he could do to not scream at me. He said, "Well, I'M not glad to be here" and then remembered our friend.

I think of that every once in a while, partly because I was so awkward and inept, partly because I was doing it to keep calm and sometimes you have to drop the mask or say something that will NOT be easy or calm people, because calm and comfort isn't what's called for in that moment. I think it changed me and made me the kind of person who never talks just to fill up space.

In college I visited the office of a friend’s dad with her. He had 2 pictures of his Rolls Royce on his desk. One was photographed in the shade so the color looked a bit different, and I said, “Oh, you have two of them.”

He bashfully explained it was the same car.

I’ve never understood why one would have a picture of their car on their desk, let alone two pictures of the same car.

R18 I learned when I was pretty young that everyone reacts differently to trauma. When my family dog died, even my father bawled, which was a shock to me. My mom mourned like she lost a child and I mourned like I lost a brother. My sister didn't cry. I knew how upset she was. My mother waited and then when no tears came after about a week, she laid into my sister and practically implied she was a sociopath. My sister did cry--because of the attack--and she insisted she was devastated but my mom just couldn't understand someone could be hurting and stoic. My mom and I related to one another more closely than anyone else can to either of us and we really argued about her reaction to my sister. My sister, meanwhile, adopted a puppy within weeks and, living with our parents at the time, she hid the puppy at her boyfriend's house because she was seriously afraid my mom would disown her. She needed to be with the dog and so she moved out within a few weeks and a while later confessed about the dog to my parents. I thought she was totally bonkers for being so afraid. She HAD to get the dog. She had panic attacks before and after she got it. And she was terrified she would lose her family over it. It's the only way she could grieve. I don't understand how it works for her, but I understood her.

My mother died a few years ago. We are all still devastated. But it became clear to me why people react differently to grief. I was hysterical and entered into a completely surreal state of being for many months, and my sister was as devastated but far more capable. My dad told me last year he made her executor to his will because she isn't as emotional and I totally understand why. I can't function in the aftermath of losses. And when people I know lose people, I never have any idea at all what to say or do because I know nothing is enough, and so I sort of do nothing so as not to do the wrong thing.

I once declared that the country was the fattest in Europe to an obese aunt. I thought it was my last day on Earth.

R19 Your first mention refers to it as a Rolls Royce and not as a car, and so I think you understand why someone would have a picture of *that* car on his desk. Status. Pride. Ego.

R18 That jerk who felt he had to make that comment to you was/is a jerk. You were at the service, you said something - good for you. I understand your last paragraph but sometimes words, no matter how awkward, are appreciated by the grieving.

I was suddenly transferred from NY to Texas and everyday for 4 years I put my foot in my mouth. Mostly of the, "You gotta be fucking kidding me" type responses. Being from NY, I never knew you could get college degree and still believe in so many fairy tales and act wilfully ignorant.

At My first gay dinner party, the host said, " Bill, since this is your first party would you like to say grace?". Spit take, followed by guffaws ending with 9 people staring at me blankly.

"Oh wow, how fun. Look at that. 12 rings on 10 fingers, you don't see that in New York" Every head in the room turned to glare at me.

More of an elephant in the room story to tell. My husband’s father was from the Isle Of Lewis in the Outer Hebrides. It is a very Presbyterian, God fearing community. We go there every year on holiday.

Shortly before our holiday one year, a great aunt of my husband’s died. We went to the funeral, and the minister was one of the campest men I have ever seen. His eyes burned into us, staring and leering at us throughout the funeral. We felt incredibly self conscious.

. After the funeral we went to the wake, and he was there. He tried to steer the conversation to communicate to us that he was gay(we didn’t need any hints), by referring to himself as a lonely bachelor. “Who’d have me now at my age?” he said, to sympathetic nods and sighs from his fan club of old ladies. All the while he was eyeing us up quite aggressively and obviously.He even asked us where we were staying. We couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

We were at our neighbors house last summer. They were having a cookout to celebrate the 80th birthday of another neighbor - who we were very close to. We were sitting at a table with several people we did not know, and someone was telling a story of the tragic life of one of their friends - health problems, house burned down, parent's died in a car accident....it went on and on and I thought was quite inappropriate and oversharing - they were guests of another neighbor and really no one knew them. Anyway as she proceeded, it honestly thought she was telling a joke. When she got to the part of these friends trying to have a baby and after several tries they finally conceived. Unfortunately, the baby was profoundly disabled physically and mentally. So I said, wait a minute, is this a joke? I've heard this before - you now say well on the bright side at least they don't have to save for college. It wasn't a joke and no one laughed. My husband just looked at his watch and said gee look at the time, we really should get going.

r25, did he offer to show you the Butt of Lewis?

R13, that was your “fight or flight” instinct. Your gut was telling you something wasn’t right about her. Don’t feel bad. Personally, I’m always wary of those wounded-bird people, after some experience with them.

R26, I'm laughing so hard. Thank you.

Or more than one occasion I’ve asked women when the baby is due. Only to be told they’re not pregnant.

Now, even if a woman is clearly 9 months pregnant, I simply refuse to acknowledge it.

R27, We were not going to show him our standing stones.

One time my sister asked me if my roommate's hair was her own because it was beautiful and long, and I thought that was the most bizarre thing ever so I told my roommate. I didn't know anything at all at the time about hair in the black community. She was kind of taken aback and told me yes, her hair is real--but her cousin's isn't! I couldn't believe a woman in her 20s wore wigs.

Another time, a different cousin of hers was visiting. She's from West Africa. I said something alluding to being gay, and she was SHOCKED and APPALLED! She said, "You're GAY??!" I asked if she was blind and deaf. She said, "I thought you were just nerdy!"

I had a major crush on this young hot pharmacist at my local CVS. He and I started eyeing each other every time I went in the store. Eventually we started speaking and I would make multiple visits to the pharmacy a week just to see him. One day I had a prescription filled and as usual he came out from behind the pharmacy counter to check me out at the register. To me this kind of confirmed he liked me because I was the only customer he did that with. Anyway, he was telling me a mildly amusing story about how his lunch exploded inside the break room microwave and how he was going to have to clean it up during his next break. I started laughing and almost immediately let a huge fart. I was soooo embarrassed and wanted to die! He looked at me with total disgust and promptly turned around and went back behind the pharmacy counter - ignoring me completely. It took me weeks to gather enough guts to go back into the pharmacy after what I did. He mostly ignores me now and only speaks when necessary.

Once I ate a meatball sandwich right out in class.

That's worth changing pharmacies over, R33.

You dodged a bullet, R33. What kind of asshole cuts someone off because they accidentally fart when they laugh? No one would do it purposely, but our human bodies sometimes react in ways we don't anticipate.

Which reminds me of the queen I knew who confessed to dragging her dream bf home and then shit the bed when he pulled out after fucking her. He pulled on his clothes and ran out the door while she died of humiliation.

And John Maloney has a story about getting a prostate exam and he *thought* he shit when the doctor pulled his finger out, so he cried out in a high, whiny voice, "I'm soooorry!"

R24 here. Day 3. I left the office to go look at an apartment. Hint: In Texas 25 miles is "close".

When I returned my co-workers asked me about the place. "Oh, it was hideous. It had this weird paneling with strips of mirrors, low popcorn ceilings, tacky, cheap blinds and vomit colored carpet. Plus, it was next to the freeway. I'd rather kill myself than live there. What? Oh, Earlinda and Steve both live there? Oh, well maybe they're in nicer units. Oh. They're all the same you say". I felt awful but there was no taking it back. People just slowly started backing away from me. Thankfully my phone rang. But still. Day 3.

R37 You sound like a whiny queen. Your career was a big disappointment so you needed to drag a bunch of innocent people into your dislike of where you wound up. They were doing the best they could which didn't meet your standards. You weren't 'awkward' or 'socially inept' - you were cruel.

Doing the best they could? What are you talking about? They didn't do ANYTHING, except check why I was out of the office by pretending to ask about the apartment, in typical Texas passive aggressive fashion. How was I supposed to know that other people lived there. Think about it.

Queen Bee: Loudly for all to hear. "Oh Hi Bill. I was worried sick about you. I knew you were supposed to be back at 1 and when I saw it was 2:30, I thought OH LORD, I hope he didn't get lost out there. So, How did you like the place?"

The same thing happened to me the first time I met LuPone.

lol. I love Miriam, she is the queen of socially inept stories.

[quote]At My first gay dinner party, the host said, " Bill, since this is your first party would you like to say grace?"

LOL. I've had the same type of experience in Texas. After being in a new job for several weeks, an in-house "client" asked me, "What church do you go to?" I have a law degree, so I wanted to say, "Object. Assumes facts not in evidence."

But I kind of nodded. The guy proceeded to tell me that his church had a wonderful bible study, where the adults are segregated "by age and bible knowledge."

I have permanent foot in mouth. If I am making fun of something or shit talking someone I will almost guarantee they’ll walk in or have walked up behind me.

It’s happened to me my whole life.

R43 if only there were a way to prevent that

The 9th grader at R8 clearly was looking for a gay threesome.

R33 wins

THREAD

CLOSED

r36, it displays a total lack of self control. Any adult should be able to anticipate flatulence and release only when it's appropriate.

I was introduced to someone who was identified as "Laura, who writes for [such and such] magazine."

I asked her name and she was flattered to find out I recognized her byline from a couple of very good recent stories. "I love when it arrives every month," I told her. "All the features are good -- except [name of humor columnist] ... there's nothing worse than someone who thinks she's funny when she's not."

Of course, Laura wrote the humor column under a pseudonym. I found out later and wanted to die.

R39 They're either jealous of the life you led before they met you or despise you for it. Do you agree or do you think there's another option. Does your gayness enter into their dislike of you or your 'big-city' ways?

I really am curious.

R26 Cherish your partner!!

I was front row at a diva’s concert and there was a random homo sitting next to me who was also alone and approximately 10 years younger. He talked to me throughout the show. Not to brag, but I’ve been complimented on my looks many times. At the end of the show, confetti rained down from the ceiling and he took some pictures, one of which included me. He asked “What’s your phone number?”

I am shy and he wasn’t hot so I said “I don’t give my phone number out.”

“What do you mean?“

“I’m not looking to meet anyone or stay in touch.”

“I was just going to text you the picture.” (Disgusted face)

Oops. Bye!

Sidebar to R51: I can't tolerate people who chatter at me during a show.

R1 here...I blocked the couple of people whom I saw snarkily commented on my story being too long. What can I say...I was an English major and have always been long-winded. Here's another one (but it's a two-parter) that came to mind after reading 50 other comments...I'll try to keep it brief(er).

I was friends with these twin boys my senior year of high school. One of them ran cross-country with me and was a smartass like me, so we got along great. This was back in the late 90s and my father refused to upgrade our desktop computer, so I'd go over to the twins' house when I needed to print something out to apply for a college scholarship, etc. Their mum walked in their house one night and asked what we (collectively) thought of her new painting. Idiot me--and I'll never understand why I said this--asked her if it was a Paint-By-Number. She didn't even answer and just walked off. The twin whom I was friends with said, "Dude, that was sick! You so burst her bubble." Turns out not only was their mum an art teacher (which I didn't know), but she also fancied herself quite the artist. My excuse for the Paint-By-Number snafu was that the only person I'd known to paint at that point in my life was my grandfather, who only did Paint-By-Numbers. I ended up explaining the backstory and apologizing to their mum, and she was fine. She even threw a small graduation party for me, since I was two years' older than the twins.

Fast forward two years, when the same twins were seniors. Their younger sister was my younger sister's age, and it somehow came out from the sisters talking that the other twin brother (whom I'd never been close to) had stolen the hard shell plastic mascot off the high school entrance sign. (It was about 4 feet high, so hard to miss when it went missing.) My sister made the mistake of telling me, and I reminded her my graduating class had help pay for that new sign just a couple of years before. I immediately called up the high school the next day and said I had knowledge of who stole the mascot. Both sisters and both twins got pulled into the principal's office for questioning, and the one twin who'd stolen the mascot (along with a couple of his friends) were suspended and had to pay for the mascot to be reattached to the sign. Not only was my sister mad at me for snitching, but the other sister and--of course--the other twin were mad. The twin who was my friend thought the whole thing was a hoot, and also a wake-up call for his brother to straighten up. I never heard what their "Paint-By-Number mum" thought of the whole ordeal...I should've asked if she could paint a new mascot for the sign.

It is so hard to believe that R53 is long-winded.

At work, I once asked a female how far along she was. I was genuinely interested and everyone could tell it was genuine. I was horrified when she responded saying she wasn't pregnant.... I was SO horrified I blushed bright red and stammered out a flurry of apologies. She wasn't worried and she laughed - then everyone else laughed about it. Phew because I work in HR/P&C and that could have been very bad. Anyway I learned my lesson and would never ask a female that question again. None of my business!

R55 Just as a little PSA, which I know will get me FFed here, bear in mind that asking anyone but perhaps especially women about their reproductive interests unless they blabber about their kids can be unintentionally offensive and even hurtful.

My sister is a Leo and she embodies all the stereotype attributed to Leos. That's a shorthand for describing her personality and not to suggest anyone should believe in astrology. Anyway, she got pregnant in her early 20s and the baby was stillborn with a malformed digestive system that developed outside of its body. The hospital showed it to her, and she had to name it and bury it, as it was declared a death. Following that, doctors always told her there was no reason she shouldn't be able to have a baby. They continued telling that up until and after over 10 miscarriages.

I know DLers have no tolerance for sensitivity, but she is deeply traumatized in a way she can't really control. Women and men alike but especially women probe her about her family. Do you have children? Oh, there's still time! Don't give up! My mother had two miscarriages before me! My aunt had a miscarriage! Keep trying! Have you thought about IVF? Have you thought about a surrogate? Why don't you adopt? There are lots of babies out there who need a family! You'd be a great mother! Such a SHAME!!! You can do it!!

It really tortures her and every time her job hires another woman, the unintentional harassment begins again. She feels like a failure biologically. She feels like she disappointed herself, her parents and her husband. She knows she should not feel that way but she does.

None of this had happened in 1998 when Tori Amos's song "Spark" came out and it prepared me to understand with the lines "She's convinced she could hold back a glacier/But she couldn't keep baby alive/Trusting my soul to the ice cream assassin/Here, here, here."

So bottom line: Don't ask women about children unless they make it known that they have children. One foot in your mouth may feel like verbal waterboarding to them.

My college roommate committed suicide 20 years after we graduated. The gathering of all of the college friends for the memorial service was truly a rewrite of the movie Big Chill . Most of us had not seen each other for many years and we were all chatting and hugging before the service. The service began and the priest came to that part of the service where he asked if anyone would like to stand and say something about the deceased. Not one person stood up. There was this horrible moment of silence followed by the priest repeating his request, followed by more silence. At the reception afterwards, we talked about why none of use stood up and said anything, and it boiled down this: We didn't know what to say about someone who killed himself and left a grieving wife, children and parents. I'll never forget that awkward silence though.

Where are you R53?

R53 Nice of you to pay back the mom who threw you a graduation party by ratting out her kids. Did you consider talking to the kids beforehand?

R54 I think R53 was the guy who wouldn't stop talking to R51 at the concert.

R18 is definitely a Heather.

R61 I don't get it. How does that gif apply to R18?

I was thinking more Heather Chandler, r61.

I was talking to a co-worker about how Covid is spread and he mentioned how spotless his local VFW is. I said viruses are everywhere and you really can't wipe them away with Lysol: touch a doorknob, pop a pretzel in your mouth and...

He said, "You telling me my VFW isn't clean?". And I said it's the people that are dirty. He walked away in a huff.

R64 You shot yourself in the foot in that convo.

First of all R26 that is absolutely hilarious! Do you have foot-in-mouth disease or was this an isolated incident.

This past weekend I had been invited to a lesbian couple's new home. They are very nice women but quite straightlaced i.e. no dirty jokes, sexual innuendo etc. One of them was showing me the really nice backyard and then we climb the stairs back up to the very large deck, and I blurt out "wow, this is a huge dick...um...I mean...deck". My friend giggled uncomfortably.

R66 they didn't laugh? I would have chucked.

At a friend’s birthday party another friend’s husband, who I’d never met, had baked the cake and I asked if it was from scratch or from a box (this in itself might have been rude). When he replied it was from a box I said “You’re a regular Drunken Hines”, as we were all drinking at the party. He got a look of wide-eyed shock like I’d just spit in his face. Later, after they had left, the friend who’s birthday it was told my that the cake baking husband was a sloppy alcoholic who’s drinking had been a problem between the two. At least he wasn’t in recovery at the time.

R67, no I think I made her a bit uncomfortable. I'm sure my face was beet red.

I used to travel and attend conferences with a female colleague. After while it was apparent that she had something for me. I ignored it and kept our relationship friendly and professional. One day she sent me an email message in which she hinted that she had feelings for me. It was embarassing because I liked her as a colleague and a friend and didn't want to loose her friendship. I was very busy at that time and delayed the reply. I felt I would need more time to write a proper reply that wouldn't hurt her feelings.

She called me after few days for something related to my work and then at the end of the converation she asked if I received her message. I felt if I said yes but didn't reply, she would get offended, so stupid me said I haven't received it. Bad and wrong reply. I know. She said nothing.

Two months later I had to send her an email concerning the conference we had to attend. Back then instead of searching for email addresses, I found it easier to choose any old message from that person and make a reply after changing the title of the message. Yep, that what happened. The moment I clicked "send" I realized it was her personal message that I replied to. So, she received a new message from me with the relevant professional title, but she would find her own personal old message on the bottom too.

She never said anything, but our relationship turned cold and only professional.

I was working on a musical, when the director was fired during the rehearsal process. When a new director was hired, he went around introducing himself to the cast. One cast member went up to him and said, "actually, I've auditioned for you before." The director said, "Really? I have my book here, let me look it up...Oh, you're right! You sang 'Poor Baby." The cast member looked confused. The director looked again at his book, and realized that "poor baby" was what he wrote about the guy auditioning.

R70 oof, I winced. But you acted with the noblest considerate intentions. I'm sure she got over it in time.

I've been on the other end of confessions, mostly, and it sucks, but it's actually kinder when the other person tactfully doesn't acknowledge them or carries on like normal. I'm eternally indebted to the beautiful, blonde, 6ft girl in high-school drama class who I wanted more than life itself, and who unflinchingly greeted me with a warm effusive smile and a greeting hug at the coffee shop she worked at, when I went to see if she received and read the poems I wrote for her and left in her locker before summer break (yes, I was a nutty, slightly-creepy 17-year old closet-case with no boundaries, I got better). Chatting to me as she made my drink (to-go, obviously), she asked me sweetly how I was doing since graduation and politely listened to the answer, then as I clumsily reciprocated the questions and paid for my coffee she wished me good luck in future and said that she had a lot of fun memories of our time together as friends in school. I got the message, and realised with relief and gratefulness that considering the awkwardness of the circumstance she couldn't have been lovelier about it. I mean, I was already a pariah with my classmates by that point for entirely different reasons, but she chose not to pile on or make it weird or breathe a word about it to anyone (it would have got back to me had anyone else known, trust). Maybe she was flattered as well as alarmed, I never found out.

Needless to say, I came out to my friends and switched to writing stories & plays, after that. Teenagers (well, most of them) are insane!

Miss R66 provides uproarious entertainment wherever she goes.

R70 How many movies and TV shows have featured similar incidents? They're painful, and I think there are few ways ever to recover in the short term. I always favor directness, but saying, "I'm sorry, but I just don't feel the same way about you" is likely to result in the same cool distancing just out of embarrassment and humiliation.

Actually, I have a similar version of a story except that I am the woman from yours and I am worse than she was. I had a crush on one of my friends from grad school. He was several years younger and MARRIED to a woman. It's awful. But he was so cute and way way more importantly, I loved his mind so much. And there were some complicating matters. For one thing, he binge drank and I worried about his safety and would kind of look after him and he appreciated that. And then he would say things sometimes that I thought was taunting me in a way, such as telling me my chest was impressive and no matter how much he ever worked out his never built up. I think he touched my chest when he said this as we stood outside of a classroom. So yeah.

Then one time he offered a family cabin for a weekend retreat for our group of friends and he asked me to ride up with him. We got there before anyone and cleaned up and then he randomly took his shirt off and went to take a shower and came out in a towel. Maybe this is unselfconscious straight guy stuff. I don't know because I don't have straight male friends and I was SO confused.

So we graduate and separate and then I was drinking too much for a few years. He would encourage it, ask what I was drinking, etc. And I brought up those awkward things he did a few times, sort of hinting at flirtatiousness and he ignored it. Then once when I was drunk I told him I always had a crush on him and he freaked out and told me that he does NOT return those feelings and he is married, etc. So I apologized and said yeah, I know all that but he did things that aroused my feelings knowingly or not and he stopped talking to me.

Then he resumed talking to me later and I defended myself again and he sent me a screen capture of my message telling him I always had a crush on him. Which really weirded me out. Why did he save an image of that? I felt like he might try to blackmail me or something? Anyway, I tried to talk it out and he never spoke to me again.

And it makes me sad. I would love to still be friends but the weirdness just became too weird and I ended up being both the eventual antagonist and the person who would let it go to be friends again if I could because I just really like his mind. And by that, I mean aspects of his creative mind that are not discussed here. He probably sounds awful based on my description lol

My father wasn't very educated. For some reason he thought 'coon' meant German (he also thought 'redneck' meant Catholic). I think it was because we had some Germans in town with the last name Kuhn? Who knows.

My parents were good friends with a couple where the man had been in the Army and bought home a German bride.

One time when they were all going out to dinner, my 8-yr. old self popped out and chirped, "Dad says you're a coon". Everyone froze.

Mom says they were never the same afterwards, and their friendship faded.

r49. Jeez, you made me think about this a lot today. It was a sales office filled with big personalities, all white, mostly from TX,OK,AR, LA. My accounts were in Latin America and they were a bunch of racist assholes. I was shocked at the way in which minorities were discussed and racist opinions were offered freely, without prompting. Any client with an accent, Spanish or not, was called "Jose" and all the cleaning ladies were "Carmen". Or, "Are you a Jew? It's ok if you are we have about 5 of them working here." Seriously. I honestly didn't know that educated, adults could be so stupid. Or, "You have the Mexico accounts? I love Mexico, but I hate Mexicans".

Shortly after I began working there a beloved executive got a cancer diagnosis and the whole company rallied behind him. Everyone spoke about how they put him on their prayer chains at church or whatever. It was touching. Then, a few months later, when his paperwork hit HR. It was AIDS! So I got to see first hand the true face of Christian love. Enough said.

I also learned that some people just should not leave NY and that I'm one of them.

It was like the opposite of this thread. They SHOULD be embarrassed at their stupidity, but they're not.

Also, I bought a house and I met many, wonderful, big hearted, kind, Texans, in the spirit of Ann Richards. Delightful people. Just not the ones I worked with.

R38- Bless your heart!

Hah. I didn't think your story was long-winded at all, R1. I'm often accused of the same. It's difficult for me to tell a really short/abridged story -- context & details matter! My dad, who was very succinct and to-the-point, used to joke about me (from the time I was a pre-teen): "Ask _____ the time, and she will tell you how to build a clock...factory."

[quote]I also learned that some people just should not leave NY and that I'm one of them.

R76 Thank you for taking the time to think about your situation and answering my comment. I'm curious -- isn't there a gay community near where you live to give you some support and friendship? If not, my next question is why don't you return to NY? Isn't your mental well-being more important than whatever money you're making in Texas?

Conversation between me and my mother:

Mother: "I'm going to try a piece of that freezer cake"

Me: "No, don't waste it"

Mother: "Why would me eating a piece be 'wasting' it?

You're sweet. Yes. On a business trip to NY, 22 plus years ago, I met my husband in Central Park. At the Boathouse Restaurant (NOT in the bushes behind it.) I Sold my house and car and quit my job and moved back to the only place I ever felt comfortable.

My husband has not been off the island of Manhattan, except to run an errand, since 2007. He actually gets angry when I bring up the subject of Florida. "I'm not going there with all those crazy people and the alligators and snakes". He has a point.

1982, freshman year of college. My dorm had a Halloween party, and I dressed up as a bottle of Extra-Strength Tylenol (the poisonings had happened not long before).

Someone came up to me and complimented me on my costume, then said she was from Chicago and knew someone who had died from taking tainted Tylenol.

Awkward!

At Christmastime a coworker was decked out head to toe in colorful Christmas themed clothes. I told her she looked like a life sized Christmas ornament and I wanted to hang her on my tree. Yes, she was black.

My mother thought my sister was beautiful in every way, but when my sister was about 25, they were talking about shoes and boots one day, and Mom said, without thinking, "Well, you've got those Pennell legs." Pennell was a branch of my father's family in which the women all had thick ankles. For the rest of her life when I wanted to tease her, I would say, "Well, you've got those Pennell legs," and she would cover her face with her hands and moan, "Oh, don't remind me I said that!"

I was invited to coworkers' wedding. I was running late, really late. I opened the door of the catholic church and newly married bride and groom were walking down the aisle towards me. I made eye contact with both of them and felt like a complete shit.

I was sitting around a table at a party that was in a backyard and the music was very loud. A friend mentioned she was very interested in a hot guy and right as I said rather loudly "You dont want him,he gave so and so and so herpes" the music suddenly quit right as he walked up behind me. Boy was he pissed.It was a VERY awkward scene.

[quote]My husband has not been off the island of Manhattan, except to run an errand, since 2007. He actually gets angry when I bring up the subject of Florida.

Does he snap at you "Smoke on your pipe and put THAT in?"

Someone in another thread reminded me of this story, so I'm reviving this thread rather than go OT in the other one.

There was a Mexican restaurant in my town that had a giant portrait in the lobby of a beautiful Mexican woman with crossed eyes.

My friend worked at the local newspaper and did a restaurant review in which she closed by saying, "Go visit the cross-eyed lady."

Turns out, it was a portrait of the owner's wife, who was, indeed, cross-eyed. No one from the restaurant ever mentioned it, but when my friend found out, she was mortified and yet couldn't really call and apologize without making it worse.

These are called foxypoxies.

R88 here again. That same friend scanned a press release into the computer and didn't proof it closely enough, so when it was published in the newspaper, one of the eligibility rules for contestants in a local beauty pageant said applicants must not be "maimed."

It was supposed to be "married," but the text scanner misread it.

Another one. When I worked at a small-town newspaper, I wrote a story about a woman who had won a fishing tournament. She was the only woman in the tournament, so I asked her how the men reacted to being beaten by a woman.

She said, "When I walked in with that big bass, all the guys were thrilled." My editor somehow changed it to read, "...with that bigas, all the guys..."

Not as bad as it could have been, but I called the house to apologize and her husband answered the phone. When I identified myself, he started laughing and laughed so hard he couldn't speak, and the woman got on the phone. I apologized profusely, and she was nice about it, but the whole time, I could hear her husband howling with laughter in the background. So I'm guessing he didn't get laid for a while.

R88 here again. That same friend scanned a press release into the computer and didn't proof it closely enough, so when it was published in the newspaper, one of the eligibility rules for contestants in a local beauty pageant said applicants must not be "maimed."

It was supposed to be "married," but the text scanner misread it.

Another one. When I worked at a small-town newspaper, I wrote a story about a woman who had won a fishing tournament. She was the only woman in the tournament, so I asked her how the men reacted to being beaten by a woman.

She said, "When I walked in with that big bass, all the guys were thrilled." My editor somehow changed it to read, "...with that bigas, all the guys..."

Not as bad as it could have been, but I called the house to apologize and her husband answered the phone. When I identified myself, he started laughing and laughed so hard he couldn't speak, and the woman got on the phone. I apologized profusely, and she was nice about it, but the whole time, I could hear her husband howling with laughter in the background. So I'm guessing he didn't get laid for a while.

I was on the receiving end. I’m balding and going through a difficult ‘should I shave my head or make the best of what I’ve got situation.’ I do have hair but it’s very thin and wispy. Not my best feature. I was introduced to a young woman at a party. She looked at me and blurted out ‘I love your hair.’ Everyone around us got very silent and I choked out a ‘thank you.’ I never thought she was being mean but trying to be nice. The next day I shaved my head.

My neighborhood has gentrified and prices have soared over 30 years. My own place has increased in price tenfold. At a party in another state, I met a man who had lived around the corner. All was going well as we talked about the gentrification, until I asked how he made out, financially. His expression changed, and he moved along. I crossed a boundary and felt like a dope.

It still bugs me, by I am just so amazed at my good fortune. I bought in a gayborhood for the view and location. I really wasn’t thinking of it as an investment, 30 years ago.

At my 10-year HS reunion, I was sitting next to a friend and classmate who had always impressed me with her business savvy. She had told the crowd that she was a happy stay-at-home mom. I thought she would have been the head of IBM or something, so I said, "I thought you would have been really successful..." and she cut me off and said, "I think I AM successful" and turned away from me in her seat. I wonder if she still hates me all these years later.

She does R94 . So do I .

I got drunk at my friends wedding and laughed uncontrollably at the brides fathers speech. Like Elaine with the pez dispenser. I am still mortified today at the memory.

Who are the dumb fucks going around congratulating women on their “pregnancies?” What kind of meddlesome, small minded rube act like that in this day and age?? Unbelievable. Consider MYOB as a general rule going forward. You actually aren’t entitled to know someone’s medical status.

[quote] At a friend’s birthday party another friend’s husband, who I’d never met, had baked the cake and I asked if it was from scratch or from a box (this in itself might have been rude)

Oh, do you think???

R96 - IDK - in high school I used to always look down at a girl's stomach and then ask her "how many months". Thought I was really funny. They always laughed and acted shocked, but I wonder how many I sent into deathward eating spirals?

Jason's Deli had just open up in our area and a few of us went there for lunch. Jason's was famous for their giant stuffed baked potatoes among other things.

.When we walked into the restaurant, three rather large women were eating the giant potatoes...I looked at my friends and said, "OMG look at the size of them!" meaning the potatoes, not the fatties eating them. Well, the fatties gave met he look of death and I was mortified!

Upon a foxypoxic incident, one must apologize and move on at once so the matter is not dwelled upon to further discomfiture of all concerned.

[quote][R96] - IDK - in high school I used to always look down at a girl's stomach and then ask her "how many months". Thought I was really funny.

But you're not. Delusional much?

Newsflash: High school is not the gold standard for personal behavior for the rest of your life.

R11 Gucci and Prada? We only do Ferragamo and Armani on the UES.

R38 is seriously overreacting.

[quote]I got drunk at my friends wedding and laughed uncontrollably at the brides fathers speech.

A college friend's wedding...and I wasn't even drunk. It was in the church, during the ceremony.

The groom's aunt started singing, a cappella, a version of the "Lord's Prayer." She was beyond pitchy, and I was OK with it at first. But this version of the song builds to a higher and higher-pitched flourish ("for thine is the kingdom, and power, and the glory, FOREVER..."), and, by the end of the vocal flourish, I was convulsed with laughter. I bit my lip hard, closed my eyes, tried to think of other things...no luck. I was literally crying with laughter. Fortunately, I was near the back of the church and it wasn't visible to too many guests.

My 20 year High School Reunion was one socially awkward interaction after another. I couldn't believe how many RETARDS I went to High School with!!! I was baffled by how people couldn't make simple "cocktail conversation"!!! IT'S SMALL TALK PEOPLE! I worked in Hollywood for 20 years so I guess I learned how to ACT LIKE YOU CARE when someone is boring as fuck!!!

I was at the ballet, during intermission. In the mezzanine, on the upper level, my champagne glass tipped and the liquid fell down a flight, onto some matron’s head. Oh, dear Lord!

Incidentally, I went to see Jacki Mason, who was hilarious, but the patrons were mostly old Jewish people, and before the performance, oh my dear Lord, they were complaining at the box office like stereotypical lunatics. Wanting to see the manager, etc. It was a scene.

Mason had a “bit” where he said he gets complaints that his act is “too Jewish”. I forget the punch line (sorry),, but of course his bit has a Jewish bent, that’s his appeal. He was hilarious despite being a Right Wing advocate. He didn’t talk politics.

[QUOTE] What kind of meddlesome, small minded rube act like that in this day and age??

Oh, dear.

My friends were heavy drinkers, and the following morning often consists of telling people what occurred while in their blackout the night before.

I was at an outside dinner party in Ptown, early in the evening one summer, with a group of friends. At this point, everybody was still sober-adjacent. At some point during the meal, someone innocently knocked over a small glass of wine, onto the dinner table. The group instantly became frozen-still, and silent. I casually looked at my phone and remarked, “So, it was 8:30, when things first went awry”. Everybody laughed, because we all knew the night would eventually go out of control.

This same crew was at dinner in Palm Springs, some years ago. We went to a renown restaurant for dinner one night. The place was known for its tasting menu. They also kept serving expensive bottle after bottle of red wine to us. Aside from the portions being small, by design, the service was bad. I think they were trying to maximize their wine sales.

I asked for management to speed-up the food service, which they ignored. Later, I got up to have a cigarette outside, but I again caught management old told them to speed-up the food. I recall saying, “you don’t understand, you really need to get the food out...”!

While I was smoking, sure enough, my friends rioted, turning the dinner tables over, spilling red wine on the white rug, and plates flying. I just skedaddled. I don’t know if anyone even paid the bill. And I’m surprised the police weren’t called.

This story is about my mother. She's nosy, overfriendly, and her mouth runs a mile ahead of her brain. On her first day at her new job, she was touring the office and meeting everyone she encountered along the way. In the copy room, she noted a woman's stomach, and asked excitedly, "When is the baby due?". The grumpy woman replied, "August". Well, August came and went, and so did September, October, and December, and the woman was as big as ever. She had never been pregnant at all. My mother spent the next two years avoiding that lady.

R13, I do stuff like that all the time. I think I have social anxiety.

R111/112 : Actually, your posts are socially inept. Nice!

R114, I'm R112 and R113. I am not R111.

I was working in a bar / restaurant and it was Christmas-time. The bar / resto was located in a small mall of restaurants & shops. A group of Christmas carolers (sounded like barber shop-style singing) suddenly came into the bar and started singing, loudly. For some reason, I could not stop laughing. It was such a shock to my senses, that style of singing in the bar. One of my coworkers berated me and called me rude and an idiot.

"We went to a renown restaurant for dinner one night."

Oh, dear!

My coworker was tasked with replying to email messages from customers. (These emails had been sent to us via a generic email address, info@....." My coworker complained that one customer had suddenly become too friendly, borderline sexual. I told her that if the messages were making her too uncomfortable, she should report them to our Executive Director. That's what she did. The Executive Director sent the customer a sternly-worded warning about sexual harassment; the letter mentioned some of the potential consequences if the customer continued to treat the staff in that way.

A few weeks later, my co-worker and the Executive Director were out of the office. (One was on business travel, the other was on vacation.) I picked up an incoming call, and the customer said he had recently received a letter warning him about sexual harassment. Well, actually, his mother had received the letter, opened it, and read it to him over the phone. (He had been expecting a happier letter from us, about a completely different topic, and he asked her to open it and read it to him.) He explained to me that his computer had a virus, and it had sent out suggestive letters to every email address in his contacts list. I couldn't believe that none of us on staff had considered that possibility. We got the situation cleared up, and that guy probably invested in some virus protection.

Art History major here, this happened during a small senior seminar. Only about 10 people, typical Art History major types in it. I was instantly fascinated by this one girl, and we would talk during class breaks. There was one grubby looking girl and one break she joined me and the cool chick in the hall. I commented on her being pregnant as she obviously was with a large protruding belly. She went nuclear on me and yelled at me for a minute, then huffed away. TThe cool chick just gave me a disgusted look.

Then the next class, the cool chick intercepts me outside the classroom, drags me around the corner, and can't speak she is laughing so hard. Finally, she gets it out. Grubby chick WAS pregnant and did not know it. But for a couple of days, I felt like a louse.

R106, you sound unhinged. Maybe there's a reason your former classmates didn't want to make small talk with you. Did you also tell them that you've worked in Hollywood, and you're better than they are?

R118, having one's mother read you, out loud, your work emails, is not something expected.

R121, that sternly-worded message was a hard-copy letter mailed through the US postal service. The man's mother must have called him at work and said, "You have a letter from the ______ company." Then, he must have said, "Can you open it up and read it to me?"