Let's be urban legends!

(I love urban legends. I briefly dated a guy who believed all of them. It was annoying but, on some level, endearing.)

I'm the gerbil up Richard Gere's butt.

Of course it wasn't true, OP.

Viv was just fat and dykey.

I'm the Jim Nabors-Rock Hudson wedding.

You know, the one your mother's best friend's husband's 2nd cousin swears she attended...

I am the hook on the handle when you walk around to open the door for your date whose fear cock-blocked you.

Rod Stewart’s stomach had to be pumped because it was so full of semen.

I am the gallons of cum in Rod Stewart's stomach.

The dwarves who live in Midgetville, behind the county dump, will charge you with shotguns if you drive up there.

I'm the car in the opposing lane flashing my lights at you.

I am some sort of gang symbol.

I'm the gerbil in Richard Gere's ass.

I'm the repetition in this thread after only 10 replies.

I'm the headphone worn by Leo DiCaprio when he has sex with women.

I'm Keanu Reeves's wedding to David Geffen. I'm more star-studded than the Oscars.

I’m the guy who stuck his dick in a gloryhole and had it gored by a hat pin so I couldn’t take it back out. It took several days—yes, DAYS—until I could get home.

I’m Walt Disney’s frozen head stored under Sleeping Beauty’s castle at Disneyland

I'm Kimberly Guilfoyle, and my greatest desire in life is to be a stay at home mom, baking cookies and attending PTA meetings.

SNORT!!!

I'm Jamie Lee Curtis's dick.

I'm the change of heart Brad Pitt had when he had called a male escort to his Chateau Marmont room and then turned him away.

I'm Ronan Farrow, son of Frank Sinatra.

I'm the frozen hot dog stuck up some girl's twat in high school

I’m the lipstick on the mirror

I’m Elvis’ death. I never really happened.

R21 Explain Lucy!

I'm the Vanishing Hitchhiker

R23:

I'm the body under the bed in the hotel room.

I am NOT an urban legend.

(For real, this unsettles me every time I stay in a hotel.)

[quote] I'm the frozen hot dog stuck up some girl's twat in high school

That was one time!

R26 , Worked @ a Hilton for many years . Happened there ...twice .

I'm the rat the someone brought from Mexico thinking it was a chihuahua.

I’m the dirty syringe in the payphone coin return slot. Enjoy AIDS!

Thanks r25.

I'm the seemingly normal frat guy who takes advantage of his straight roommate's hole when his passed out.

Nice and tight but I was drunk too.

I’m the bathtub full of ice waiting for the next kidney harvest victim

I'm the dog that licked peanut butter off my owner's pussy at my surprise birthday party. Surprise!!

[quote] That was one time!

At Band Camp!

I'm the boy whose penis was hacked off when he entered an "ethnic" area's restroom. The legend has its roots in anti-Semitism and the ones who named it were obviously DL'ers. "The Mutilated Boy".

I'm Danny Thomas fap fap fapping under a glass coffee table while a hooker takes a shit on it.

I’m the “Mikey” kid who died from pop rocks and coke!

I'm the ghost of Denny, eternally lugging my Samsonite around Manhattan.

[quote]I'm Jamie Lee Curtis's dick.

And I'm Bea Arthur's.

I'm Jerry Mathers and I died in Vietnam

Dammit, r38 beat me to it.

Okay. I’m the hundreds of baby spiders released from a spider bite on an unsuspecting woman’s jaw.

I'm the bisexual man who doesn't look down on gay men and talk nasty about them.

I'm also the bisexual male celebrity who doesn't go on and on about how the most hateful prejudice I receive is from vicious gay men.

(I really don't exist).

I'm the inner-city newborns named La-a, Lemonjello, and Orangejello (pronounced Ladasha, lem-ON-jello, and or-ON-jello).

I’m Bea Arthur and I took a shit in Betty White’s dressing room.

I'm Paul from "The Wonder Years." I will grow up to be Marilyn Manson and will kill a puppy onstage.

I am the ribs Marilyn Manson had removed so he could suck his own cock

I'm "welcome to AIDS world" written on a mirror with lipstick.

I'm the people who were shot because they wore Tommy Hilfiger clothing while walking through a primarily black community.

I’m the Life cereal kid who ate Pop Rocks and drank Soda and my insides exploded 💥

I'm Fox News that had to register as an entertainment company because it didn't qualify for a news license.

I'm Barack Obama's Kenyan birth certificate

I'm the kid who killed himself in the Three Men & A Baby apartment and haunted the filming.

[quote]I'm the clause in Vivian Vance's contract requiring her to remain 20 lbs overweight during the filming of I Love Lucy.

I’m the spider eggs in Bubble Yum

I'm the suicidal munchkin who hanged myself on the set of The Wizard of Oz.

I'm the Mars bar in Marianne Faithfull's twat. Mick Jagger ate me.

I'm the lobster who face was burnt with lighter while my bottom half was up a woman's snatch.

Read at your own risk!

This one is better

NOTE: This viral tale contains graphic, potentially offensive sexual references and should not be read by anyone who is easily offended, or has close emotional ties to crustaceans.

I'm the killer hiding in the backseat of your car. That fucker behind you needs to quit flashing his lights. He's going to give me away.

I'm the gang initiate driving at night with my headlights off. The first person to flash their headlights at me is about to have the worst night of their life...and the last.

I'm the babysitter who keeps getting creepy phone calls. I'm not in any danger. The guy doing it has to be miles away....right?

I'm the tongue that licks your hand when your arm is dangling off the bed. I don't belong to the dog.

I'm the tiny pet alligator flushed down the toilet, who grew to gargantuan, monstrous proportion, and now a man-killing predator roaming the sewer system beneath the streets of NYC.

I'm the basement of a DC pizza place where a certain former Secretary of State abuses children. You can hear their screams while eating garlic knots.

I'm Loretta Devine IN Urban Legend.

I'm the final words of the vanishing hitchhiker: Jesus is coming

I'm the candy with razor blades inside being given out to trick-or-treaters on Halloween.

I'm Keith. I [bold]AM[/bold] legend.

I'm the cat in the apartment next door who ate my owner's face after she'd been dead for a week.

Meow.

I'm Liz Claiborne.

I appeared on a daytime talk show (Donanhue, Oprah, or Ellen, depending on the age of your source).

In response to a question from an audience member who asked why my company didn't make larger sizes for larger Black women, I said that my company didn't make clothes for Black women.

R30, What's a payphone?

I'm a QAnon believer

I know that Oprah, Tom Hanks, and other Hollywood liberals belong to a Satanic cult that meets for dinner parties where they eat white babies and worship the Devil.

I'm Donald Trump and Women want me so bad...

I'm Avril Lavigne. Well, I wasn't always. My real name is Melissa. But the real Avril died and I was chosen to be her stand-in.

I'm the ham sandwich that killed Mama Cass.

I'm Zsa Zsa, asking Johnny Carson if he'd like to pet my pussy.

I'm Johnny Carson, telling Miss Gabor she'll have to remove the cat from her lap first.

I'm a woman in your town who returned to her car in a mall parking lot to find a confused elderly woman leaning on her car.

On questioning, the elderly woman, who is caring a number of shopping bags, she said she had forgotten where she had parked and asked if she could possibly be driven around the parking lot to help her locate her car.

After letting the elderly woman into the car, the woman owner of the car becomes suspicious for some reasons and makes an excuse to return to the mall (she left her credit card inside) where she alerts the police.

The police arrive at the car to apprehend the purported elderly woman, who is actually a male cross-dressing axe murder who has an axe hidden in her shopping bags.

I'm the old Proctor and Gamble logo that had to be changed, because it revealed the company was owned and operated by Satanist.

A representative of the company appeared on a talk show and confirmed the company was devoted to the devil, and their company logo represented their religious devotion.

The pic below shows the specific features of the logo related to this issue.

#1: I'm the black baby that Dinah Shore gave birth to; 'twas said that Ms. Shore was a person of "mixed ancestry."

#2: The Mousketeers were all killed in a dreadful bus accident (well that one at least made the rounds in late '50s Brooklyn).

#3: Richard Rodgers, composer of the music for "Flower Drum Song," can be glimpsed in the crowd during the "Chop Suey" number in the film version of "Flower Drum Song."

R79 I was going to be that woman who hangs off every bridge, but we had a P&G in my unexciting hometown and we lived for this rumor.

I'm your body exploding if you drink pop after eating pop-rocks.

Most all of these are oldies but goodies, so may I present a more recent one. A few weeks into the quarantine, there was a baseless rumour that gang members were banging on doors hollering, "Police, open up!" They were there to hold up whomever answered the door and steal all their TP and food. I remember hearing this from x2 people I worked with (before our office closed for quarantine), and so I immediately hid my TP and my shelf stable food. No known incidents of this actually happening made the news.

I’m the shitbra

I'm Donald Trump's status as a billionaire and a shrewd businessman.

I'm the corn Carol Channing forgot she had eaten.

I’m the video of Chasten topping Pete on Pete’s desk in the Mayor’s Office.

I'm "The White Van" driven by the town diddler.

I am Paul McCartney. I died in 1969 and was replaced by someone else "Faul." If you play Beatles songs backwards and slowed down, you will hear confirmation of this.

I am Chuck Berry. I spy on girls in the bathroom and also get girls to shit in a bucket.

I’m the kid whose kidneys were blown out when he tried to light his farts

I'm "Volvo." I don't sell in Mexico because in Spanish "volvo" means "no go."

I'm a doughnut.

I'm the parent the babysitter calls about the "clown statue" asking if she can cover it up because it gives her the creeps. I don't know what she's talking about! We don't have a clown statue.

[quote]there was a baseless rumour that gang members were banging on doors hollering, "Police, open up!" They were there to hold up whomever answered the door and steal all their TP and food.

OMG, this confirms my belief that hard-core gang members really care about anal hygiene!!!

Why else would they need all that Toilet Paper?

I’m the fried rat in your bucket of KFC.

That one's true, R90.

I am ground-up earthworms, to make the protein content in McDonald's hamburgers.

R92, no, it was the Nova.

Funny, r99. I heard the story with "volvo" -- from one of my elementary school teachers, no less.

I'm the LSD in Carlos Santana's headband when he played at Woodstock.

R98 And I'm the missing children whose flesh is ground up and used in McDonald's burgers.

I’m the newborn in the oven, mistaken for a turkey by parents on lsd

I'm the roadie who blew cocaine up Stevie Nick's ass.

I'm the model being killed in the middle of a number 1 record......

And I’m the girl whose cunt bone Stevie Nicks broke

I’m a Ouija board ready to conjure the devil

I am the secret room in the back of Mt. Rushmore where the ex-presidents meet to decide who will be the next one of us.

I’m Bohemian Grove, where the elite gather to rape, kill and eat babies/children for their yearly ritual!

R109, I happen to know that one is true. It is well-documented that HIllary Clinton ate two asian babies in 2002.

I'm the Satanic messages when you play certain songs (like Stairway To Heaven) in reverse. I am intended to infect the subconscious mind.

We're the reptilian shapeshifters who control the world. Sometimes we glitch and get caught by very observant YouTubers. A snakelike eye will show, they'll see scales on our skin, or we will have teeth like fangs all for a fraction of a second. Just long enough for them to expose us.

I'm Marilyn Monroe's extra toes

I’m light as a feather, stiff as a board.

R104, it was her assistant, not roadie.

I’m the bathroom mirror. When you shut off the light and say “Bloody Mary” three times, you will se the devil when you turn the light back on,

I'm the phrase "HUMANS CAN LICK TOO" written on the shower wall in dog's blood.

I'm the Russians that helped Trump win the presidency in 2016.

(This should go over like a lead balloon).

[quote] who is caring a number of shopping bags,

Oh, dear!

[quote]who is actually a male cross-dressing axe murder

Oh, DEAR!

[quote]I heard about it from a Japanese exchange student

But apparently you didn’t hear it at r21.

I am the rat that swims up the pipes into your toilet to bite your ass while you make a poop!

I am the Ice Cream Man, driving my truck through the 'burbs, pushing drugs to the neighborhood kids.

I'm a FOAF (friend-of-a-friend.) I'm responsible for ALL of these!

I'm the poor abandoned stray dog in Mexico that a kind female tourist adopts only to find out later that it's a Mexican sewer rat.

I'm the Red Velvet Cake recipe.

I'm the Chinese sing-song girl who taught Wallis Simpson how to pleasure even the most recalcitrant of men.

I'm the neurotic stray dog who was taken in and bathed by a kind lady, only to be recognised as a coyote by the internet.

I'm the chupacabra.

I'm the shark stuck up some Led Zeppelin groupie's vagine!

I’m wondering why I’m always an urban legend and not a suburban or rural one.

I think rural legends are just referred to as "legends" or "folklore."

What is a shitty sequel, Alex?

I am what happens when you look into a mirror and say Bloody Mary three times.

I'm the Loch Ness Monster.

I'm the legend of a DL poster who didn't bother to read a thread of 100+ replies before posting.

I'm the group of kids who take the wrong fork in the road and end up under a tree from which a skeleton is hanging and his hand keeps brushing against the roof of the car.

I'm the hook on the car door handle.

R135, that's not a legend, it's horrifyingly true!

I'm the druggie who takes LSD; I stare at the sun for hours and go blind as a result.

I'm also the babysitter who took LSD. I call the parents of the baby I'm babysitting and tell them I've put the turkey in the oven. What turkey, they say? Oops! I cooked the baby!

I'm the blotter acid in the shape of cartoons, the better to get little children turned on to drugs.

I'm Elvis, eating at a Burger King in Ohio.

I'm the sound stage where Stanley Kubrick filmed the fake moon landing.

I'm Hutukngna, an unmarked place in the hills near Los Angeles. Nobody knows exactly where I am located. The ghosts of the native Americans slain for not converting to Christianity by the earliest settlers roam around here. If you enter the area, you will never come out.

FFS, people, read the god damn thread.

How can you even enjoy others responses if you don’t read it?

Looking directly at you, r140 and r133!

r140 was the first time that the Burger King rumor was mentioned.

I'm Area 51.

I'm also Roswell, NM.

I'm Asshole. My name is pronounced "Ash-hole-lee."

I’m the Neiman Marcus $250 cookie recipe

I'm a compassionate conservative.

I'm the wannabe gang member riding around in a car at night without the lights on. I have to shoot the first motorist who flashes their lights at me as part of my initiation.

r17, I'm Bea Arthur's dick.

r150, see r40.

I'm Karen Carpenter, wishing that Mama Cass had shared that ham sandwich with me. We'd both have survived.

I'm Ed McMahon, and my laugh was pre-recorded.

I'm Mothman.

[quote]I'm "Volvo." I don't sell in Mexico because in Spanish "volvo" means "no go."

Actually I'm the Chevy Nova.

I'm Frank Zappa. No, I did not take a shit on stage and then eat it. No matter how many people claim I did.

I'm the poodle that exploded when my owner tried to dry me off in the microwave.

I'm a snuff movie. There's been a lot of movies about me (8mm, Cannibal Holocaust, Thesis, Guinea Pig)

But I never existed.

I'm Marilyn Manson getting one of my ribs removed so I can suck on my own cock.

I'm the Ctrl + F function on laptops. I allow lazy posters to quickly search a thread to see if my particular contribution has been posted yet. Sadly, this thread proves that I am, indeed, only a legend.

R152 wins. Lol

I'm Slenderman. Two little psychopathic bitches tried to kill their friend as a sacrifice to me.

I’m the secret patent for the 150 mpg carburetor the oil companies bought to suppress

I'm the lump on some poor girl that ended up being a spider's nest that, when it was in the process of being removed by a doctor, caused a million baby spiders to pour out.

I’m vagina dentata.

Groannnnn R164 that's been posted several times on this thread already too. Moving on. Too many fucking repeat posts.

I'm Joel

Children's Rendition:

My friend knew a girl who wouldn't spit out the watermelon seeds and would just swallow them and then she got pregnant.

And it came out BLACK.

I'm Eddie Haskell who grew up to be John C. Holmes.

We are Female (pronounced "Feh-MAL-aye") and Syphyllis (pronounced "Sigh-Phyllis") and we are friends with the girls from R44

Sometimes we have a cousin called Chlamydia, pronounced "KLAH-mah-dee-uh"

R168, when I was a kid, I heard that Dinah Shore had a black child, because her mother was black and the race gene skips a generation.

[quote]We are Female (pronounced "Feh-MAL-aye") and Syphyllis (pronounced "Sigh-Phyllis") and we are friends with the girls from [R44] Sometimes we have a cousin called Chlamydia, pronounced "KLAH-mah-dee-uh"

Don't forget me!

Fine, R166.

I'm going to be the worms that McDonald's hamburger patties are made out of instead of the girl/woman with the spiders coming out of her.

Not sure where I heard or as to whether it’s true or not, but allegedly young doctors in Chicago attending to black women in Chicago maternity wards would suggest the name of the renowned physician and Nancy Reagan’s stepfather, Loyal Davis. This on account of Davis’ we’ll know racism.

Im Janet Jackson’s daughter.

I'm the actress in the infamous Barbra Streisand Sex Film from the early 60s that Barbra says is definitely NOT her because the woman in the film has awful fingernails. The woman bares a faint resemblance (the nose) but is not Barbra.

I'm the Facebook post from "Stanford doctors" claiming that if you can hold your breath for more than 18 seconds you don't have the Rona.

I'm the YouTube video by an portly ponytailed GP from Michigan telling you that the Rona can survive in your freezer for centuries and that you need to soak your fruits vegetables in soapy water and wipe down the rest of your groceries with Lysol.

I am the undergrad whore who went on sugarbabies to make next years tuition and unknowingly hooked up with her birth father.

R173, see r98.

I am the Click-Clacks that SHATTERED and took out some kid's eye!

^^Beverly Goldberg

I was recently watching the Golden Girls rerun (yes I know) where Rose tells the story of finding the rat on the beach in Mexico.

Did that episode start the legend? Kind of interesting if it did

I'm the indifferent man who watched another man drown as Phil Collins observed from a distance. He later invited me to a concert, put me in the front row, and shone a spotlight on me while he sang "In The Air Tonight."

Dammit, r184!

I forgot all about that one. Good one!

I’m the truck stop where Liz, Brady & MJ buy gas, Snickers and chips — lots of chips — on their 9/13 road trip.

^^Brando, spellcheck, Brando!!

I'm Sandy Duncan's glass eye.

R188 - Sandy Duncan has a glass eye. That is not an urban legend! Altho if she got it from kneeling as John Holmes whipped down his shorts, that might qualify. I will have to check...

R186 - now you have reminded me of "Pocahontas" by Neil Young..."Marlon Brando, Pocahontas and Me..." I have to youtube now...what a great song!

r189 No.

OMG r191! My whole life I thought SD had a glass eye! I am the poster child for dangers of urban legends. I will go jump off that pier from the Phil-cunt Collins song now.

I was the newborn dropped off at the orphanage by up-and-coming starlet Norma Jean Baker.

[quote]I was the newborn dropped off at the orphanage by up-and-coming starlet Norma Jean Baker.

Hey, Sis!

I'm Ted Nugent's dad.

I'm the dumb yet gorgeous guy in my neighborhood with the huge basket who believes every single one. I let him try to convince me so that I can stare at him. He thinks it's in disbelief, but it's actually in awe. I don't hear a word he says.

I'm the beer can pull tabs you can save up so someone can get a new kidney.

I'm the crack that you should not step on.

Fuck that. If I see the cops coming I’m steppin on that shit. They ain’t got nothin on me then.

I'm the AIDS, and I'm the reason Donna Summer thought gays needed Jesus.

I’m Jamie Lee Curtis, born intersex.

I'm Lisa Todd, [italic]Hee-Haw[/italic]'s advice columnist and weather girl. There are dummies out there who believe I'm the daughter of Elizabeth Taylor.

I’m the blood of virgins that The Rolling Stones are transfusing to make themselves more youthful and less hungover.

I'm the unnamed lady you can hear screaming as she's being murdered in the Ohio Players' "Love Rollercoaster."

I'm Resurrection Mary, the ultimate vanishing hitchhiker.

I'm Diana Ross in her hospital bed going completely berserk when an African American nurse enters her room to care for her. Don't you know that Miss Ross to you three the woman out and demanded to be seen by only WHITE staff from that point forward. MM!! Mm!! mm!!

I'm the woman in Ireland who had sex with a dog and went into anaphylactic shock and died because I turned out to be allergic to dog semen.

I sound like an urban legend, but I'm not.

R178 lol 😂

I'm baby Shithéad.

I'm Olivia Newton-John, and I confessed my love of pussy to Johnny Carson on [italic]The Tonight Show.[/italic]

Come on now, 210 replies and no Ima Hogg and Ura Hogg? (Yeah, I know, Ima was real).

I'm Vagina, pronounced Vuh-GEE-nuh, and an actual ER doctor with a license told people for years I was a 10-year-old girl and a real patient of his.

I'm Chuck Connors' gay porn film!

I'm the grassy knoll. I'll never tell what I know.

We're Female (Fu-MAH-lee) and Nosmo King, Vagina's siblings.

I’m the AIDS you caught from oral sex.

[quote]I'm Zsa Zsa, asking Johnny Carson if he'd like to pet my pussy. I'm Johnny Carson, telling Miss Gabor she'll have to remove the cat from her lap first.

Not an urban legend, but I saw Jane Fonda on a talk show and she swears her son saw this and told her about it.

[quote]I'm the Facebook post from "Stanford doctors" claiming that if you can hold your breath for more than 18 seconds you don't have the Rona.

Just for the hell of it, I just held my breath and timed it with my iPhone and I lasted 1:11. I have no idea whether that's good or what, but I guess I don't have the plague.

Oh lordy, life is worth living!

[quote]I'm Chuck Connors' gay porn film!

Not an urban legend—it exists. I've seen it!

Many years ago, a downtown Santa Barbara dirty bookstore was raided and many X-rated whack off films were seized. The store owner was tried in SB Municipal Court on some sort of outraging public decency charge. A friend of mine in the district attorney's office tipped me off, so I was able to attend the portion of the trial when the films (plural) were shown to the jury. One of them, identified as "the Connors film," showed a very clearly identifiable Chuck Connors as a Marine, sucking off a young man in the bushes at some park.

That triggered a memory of a few years previously, when Chuck Connors was geared up to run for some political office in Orange County, but abruptly withdrew with no reason given, however, there was talk of "something inappropriate" in his past having come up. Heh. I guess.

As I recall, the dirty bookstore owner was acquitted of the porno charges.

The Connors film was quite hot.

I'm Dr. Stella Immanuel. How long do you have?

I'm film star Theda Bara who allegedly was fucked by the USC football team.

And I'm the porno film made with a young Joan Crawford that was subsequently bought and destroyed by the studio to save her career

I'm the multiple orgasms had and recorded by Donna Summer

for her song "Love to Love You Baby"

I'm the rumor that the "Eagles" song and album "Hotel California" was inspired by their devotion to the Church of Satan

The lyrics were clearly about Satanic worship,, "They stab it with their steely knives but they just can't kill the beast" and "You can check out anytime you like but you can never leave"

You could even see Church of Satan leader Anton LeVay photographed in the background of the inside album cover art

I'm "PUFF THE MAGIC DRAGON" the innocent-sounding song performed by folk-trio "Peter, Paul and Mary" that was secretly written all in code about smoking marijuana (gasp)...

"Little Jackie Paper? Little Jackie Rolling Paper!"

Peter Paul and Mary, my ass!

"LOUIE, LOUIE"

This favorite song of drunken fraternity parties was long said to be less innocent than it seemed.

The Legend:

The lyrics to this "Kingsmen" garage classic are obscene, and could be clearly heard if you played the single on 33 1/3 rpm instead of 45.

The Truth:

“Louie, Louie” was written by L.A. singer/songwriter Richard Berry in 1956 and became a local hit on the Pacific coast a year later. The lyrics, about a Jamaican sailor lamenting to a bartender how much he misses his girl, are written in dialect (“Me see Jamaica moon above, it won’t be long me see me love”), which made them a bit hard to decipher in the first place. Add to that the inferior recording equipment in the studio used for the quickie-single, and the words became even more garbled. The rumor about the naughty lyrics had such legs, however, that the FBI even got involved after many parents complained to the Bureau about FCC regulations and obscenity laws. J. Edgar Hoover and his boys ultimately concluded (after a 30-month investigation) that they were “unable to interpret” any of the words on the record.

The missing link to "Louie Louie"

J. Edgar spent many long evenings sniffing out obscenity while dressed in drag and making out with his lover Clyde Tolson...

The missing link to "Louie Louie"

J. Edgar spent many long evenings sniffing out obscenity while dressed in drag and making out with his lover Clyde Tolson...

I'm the burglar's fingers, presently in your Doberman's throat. Quick, get me to the vet and then drive back home before the vet tells you if your dog is alright. Then your vet can call you to tell you to get out of your house RIGHT NOW!!

My name is Candida. Such a pretty name for a little girl. Mom didn't listen to those nasty maternity ward nurses.

[quote]I'm film star Theda Bara who allegedly was fucked by the USC football team.

That was me, ya fat whore!

I'm the actress who died during the filming of the 1964 James Bond film "Goldfinger"

Her entire body was covered with gold paint which subsequently caused her to asphyxiate, because all of her pores became blocked by the paint

The Truth:

Humans don't breathe through their pores - despite statements made by the GOP to the contrary. Actress Shirley Eaton who played the character in the film is alive and well at age 83, and still not breathing through her pores (Sorry, Miss Lindsey).

[quote]That was me, ya fat whore! Miss Clara Bow

You weren't the only one who could inspire a football team, you self-centered cunt!

And I had the entire UCLA football team to myself anyway...

I am the fake, folded $100 bill under your wiper blade in the mall parking lot. When you see me and get out of the car to retrieve me, you will be overpowered (by force, chloroform, etc.) by a predator.

I am the thirty minutes you must wait after eating before getting back into the swimming pool. Ignore me and die.

I'm the chewing gum that, after you swallow me, will take seven years to be digested.

I'm Walt Disney's anti-semitism.

Our father is our grandfather.

I'm the lsd laced Disney stamps being handed out at elementary schools everywhere. I'm the kid who jumped off a roof and died because lsd made believe I could fly.

I'm the lead dildo (cast from Valentino's member) found shoved down the throat of murdered Ramon Novarro.

I am Santa Claus!!

I'm the kid who fried my brain on LSD and is still, to this day, convinced I'm a glass of orange juice and I'll spill everywhere if I let myself tip over. High school teachers still reference me as factual.

I'm Mickey, the kid who likes Life cereal. I was killed in Vietnam by a sniper.

R15, your right about Walt Disney's head, only it's not dead. It is being kept alive, and it controls EPCOT.

I'm the mysterious pink liquid that oozes from the chicken breast after you bite into your KFC sandwich. Surprise...you just bit into a tumor!

We're the two fat women who sat on a stone bench at UCLA which broke in half because of our weight. The judge threw it out of court because he felt he couldn't compete with an act of God.

I'm the heavyset woman nobody wanted to fuck who went to the gynecologist because of itching and a sour smell coming from my private parts. I was very embarrassed when an examination revealed that I had forgotten to remove one of the potatoes I had stuck up there to induce orgasm. As the potato began to rot, it also began to grow little arms. The rotting created the smell and the arms created the itching. I was most dreadfully embarrassed!

I'm the grateful brown person giving a cryptic warning to a helpful stranger to avoid a certain place on a particular date. Because a nice white lady who does you a good turn deserves not to be killed in an upcoming terrorist attack!

We're daytime vixens Robin Strasser and Susan Lucci. We are sisters! Our mother is the fabulous comic actress Phyllis Diller!

I am the proctologist who put his flexible sigmoidoscope into a very fat woman's vagina instead of her rectum, because of all the excess skin folds.

When she said "Doctor, that's not my rectum," I said "That's OK. That's not my flexible sigmoidoscope."

I am the hotdog that will dissolve from the terrible chemicals when left in a thermos full of coca-cola for a couple weeks

I am the young boy whose teacher showed the class that if you put a worm into a glass of Coca Cola, it will dissolve. When she asked the class what we could learn from that demonstration, I said, If you drink Coca Cola, you won't have worms.

I'm the at-home tapeworm test. Put a glass of milk by your foot. If you have a tapeworm, it will eat its way out the side of your foot into the glass of milk. Another variation is to put the glass of milk to your mouth for several minutes and it will come out that way as well.

I'm Sea monkeys! As seen on TV! Available at your local Murphys and Woolworths!

I'm John Dillinger's 12 inch penis. I can be found in one of the Smithsonian museums in Washington, D.C.

I'm Rasputin's 12 inch penis. I ended up in Paris where a few of his surviving votaries kept it preserved in an icebox, taking it out only for their strange sacred rites. From there, after further adventures, it made its way to the collection of Russia’s first museum of erotica in Petersburg,

I'm the wig that flew off Jayne Mansfield's head during the car crash. Pictures from the scene showed me lying on the road and some thought I was her head.

I'm The Blair Witch Project. I'm either real footage and lookalike actors were hired to go on TV shows, pose on magazine covers, etc., pretending it is all fiction as part of a coverup. Or I am just a re-enactment and the real footage has never been released to the public. Take your pick.

I'm Andy Warhol's IQ of 75.

I'm Raymond Burr's wife and children.

I'm Clifton Davis, star of "That's My Mama", songwriter, and the first great love of young Michael Jackson. Michael briefly took hormones and considered a sex change operation in the hope that we could get married someday.

Michael WHO?

I'm Michael Jackson and I love all God's little children, especially the boys, and only because I was still a misunderstood child myself even as an adult. There was no hanky panky. I just love all God's little children!

I'm Jesus Christ. I'm your Lord and Savior. I was crucified on a cross, and then after 3 days, I resurrected. It's a miracle, not an urban legend!

[quote]your right about Walt Disney's head,

Oh, dear!

I’m the band KISS.

Everyone knows that stands for

Knights

In

Satan’s

Service.

I like taking long walks through the forest and being blurrily photographed from a distance. Your crazy uncle swears he heard me outside his deer blind once.

[quote]Guess who

Sarah Huckabee Sanders?

I'm the cow tongue that was grafted onto the ordinary tongue of Gene Simmons.

I'm the straw Stevie's personal assistant used to blow cocaine up her anus.

Oh boy r260. I remember hearing that when I was very young.

R260, I had a major crush on Clifton Davis when he and I were both younger.

I am the dentist who puts you to sleep for a filling. Then, when you wake up, your shirt is untucked.

Is Clifton Davis gay?

R273: that was the rumor back in the 70s. I think he's been married a long time. If you mean gay and out.

I'm the Kid From the Michael Jackson Pepsi Commercial (aka Alfonso Ribeiro). Word got around that I broke my neck break dancing, but less than a week later, I was alive and well and performing on the Tony Awards.

[post redacted because independent.co.uk thinks that links to their ridiculous rag are a bad thing. Somebody might want to tell them how the internet works. Or not. We don't really care. They do suck though. Our advice is that you should not click on the link and whatever you do, don't read their truly terrible articles.]

^^^ I'm the Coca-Cola bottle found shoved up starlet Virginia Rappe's hoo-ha, killing both Miss Rappe and the career of Fatty Arbuckle.

I was this guy, marveling at the blueness of the sky...

I’m the list of celebrities who were supposed to be at Sharon Tate’s house That Night. I had other plans, thank god.

Damn it, R5, I wanted to be the hook!

Instead, I’m relegated to being the swinging corpse who’s intermittent contact with the roof of the lover’s car scared them into leaving the scene.

That’s a great one, r278. I had forgotten all about that one.

r278 That guy got around more than Zelig.

Ok, I couldn't read em all, so could be a repeat:

I'm the dog whose owner put me in the microwave to dry me and exploded.

Some person or persons have been affixing hypodermic needles to the underside of gas pump handles. These needles appear to be infected with HIV positive blood.

R284 reminds me, gang members would get in their cars and speed in the miles before a speed trap. If someone in the oncoming traffic flashes their car lights at them, to warn them of the trap, the gang members would reverse course, pursue the flasher, and kill him. It was an initiation ritual.

Close, Pierre.

It was said they’d drive around with their lights off and when you flashed yours to indicate theirs were off, the party would begin.

But that’s also been mentioned already.

I stand corrected! Thanks, r286

I'm the Virgin Birth and the Resurrection.

R288, you are bold and transgressive! Now do Islam.

R285; that's also rumored when you flash your lights to rrmind them to turn their lights on.

R290, did you stop reading at r285?

No hanging munchkin yet? You bitches are slipping.

But I think I will be the THC gummies accidentally given out at Halloween.

Pssst. R292, go allllllll the way back to r56 before you say we’re slipping.

Pot, meet kettle.

I'm the massive hairstyle that was so perfectly coifed, the high school girl wouldn't wash it. She just sprayed it with more and more hairspray every day.

One day, she felt an itch on her scalp that kept getting more and more intense. By the time they brought her to the nurse's office, she was dead!

Spiders had built a nest in her hair and the baby spiders had eaten through her scalp and into her brain!

^^Trump’s stylists inspiration.

I’m the kindly drivers coat that he later finds draped on Mary’s tombstone.

R110, the worst thing was...she was hungry again in an hour.

I am a black cat on the Grand Staircase in the US Capitol. When seen by the security guards at night I swell to elephant size...

R193 I'm serial killer Ted Bundy, who nearly snuffed-out Norma Jean Baker's lost love child . Or did I?

I'm Lucille Ball, who doesn't speak to the help on airplanes.

I'm Vivian Vance. Lucy's lawyers make me eat a whole pie at lunch every day to maintain my fat. Each time Lucy gains one pound, I'm contractually required to gain two.

I'm Albert Einstein's failing grade in elementary math class.

Is that really not true about Viv Vance? My gay biology teacher told me that in high school. He seemed pretty sure about it.

I’m the Mars bar that Mick Jagger ate out of Marianne Faithfull’s cunt.

I'm Bob the Anal Fissure. I require regular treatment by Violent Anal Dilation, much to the dismay of the sailor who carries me around.

r301 Did you even read the original post?

I'm the cum that got pumped out of Rod Stewart's stomach and the gerbil in Richard Gere's ass!

I'm the straw that was used by roadies to blow cocaine up Stevie Nicks' cornhole!

R307, you couldn’t even make it past the first 6 responses, huh?

I'm that Tony Dow from Leave It To Beaver, and I had my head blown off in Vietnam.

I'm the architect who designed a university library and forgot to account for the weight of the books

R311, there’s some truth to that one.

I’m the shrimp sewn into the drapes of the house purchased by the ex-husband and his new wife.

I'm the spiders that crawl into your open mouth as you sleep. I average seven per year.

R305 - that’s not an urban legend - just a frightening as possible spin on the real medical procedure that is used if topical ointments & time don’t result in the fissure healing.

I’m spiders...

No, wait.. I’m Munchkins

No, I’m a tv star who died in Nam....

I'm the pay phone with an infected needle stuck in the coin return slot.

I’m Paris Hilton’s t-shirt that says, “Stop Being Poor.”

I'm one of the many crocodiles or alligators living in NYC's sewers.