Hello and thank you for being a DL contributor. We are changing the login scheme for contributors for simpler login and to better support using multiple devices. Please click here to update your account with a username and password.

Hello. Some features on this site require registration. Please click here to register for free.

Hello and thank you for registering. Please complete the process by verifying your email address. If you can't find the email you can resend it here.

Hello. Some features on this site require a subscription. Please click here to get full access and no ads for $1.99 or less per month.

Let's be the supermarket!

I'm the grating voice on the loud speaker announcing "MEAT DEPARTMENT YOU HAVE A CALL PARKED ON LINE 3."

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 334October 23, 2021 1:47 PM

I’m the idiot straight guy who thinks it would be hilarious to fart into the store’s microphone.

by Anonymousreply 1October 21, 2020 2:28 PM

I'm the entire family of fatasses moving at a glacial pace and blocking the aisle.

by Anonymousreply 2October 21, 2020 2:30 PM

I'm the frau with forty-six different coupons. As the bored high school student rings me out, I stare intently at the register totals and interrupt after every item. "But the sign said those were buy one, get one free." Inevitably, a manager will be called at some point during my transaction.

Everyone behind me in line despises me.

by Anonymousreply 3October 21, 2020 2:32 PM

I am Dorothy Kilgallen. I would know nothing about this thread.

by Anonymousreply 4October 21, 2020 2:36 PM

I'm the red weirdo

by Anonymousreply 5October 21, 2020 2:36 PM

I'm the pervert in aisle four hanging looking for a kid to snatch.

by Anonymousreply 6October 21, 2020 2:37 PM

whaay

by Anonymousreply 7October 21, 2020 2:37 PM

I'm the white-gloved Hollywood movie star and young mother.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 8October 21, 2020 2:38 PM

I'm the customers who swap the discount stickers from the old meat to pricey cuts of meat, thinking we won't notice.

We always notice, and catching you gives us life.

by Anonymousreply 9October 21, 2020 2:39 PM

I’m the incessant reminder to someone to “Close the loading dock door!” on the loudspeaker at DC’s Soviet Safeway.

by Anonymousreply 10October 21, 2020 2:39 PM

I'm the clean-up in aisle 6.

by Anonymousreply 11October 21, 2020 2:39 PM

I'm the chopped up pieces of sausage with toothpicks in them on a table near the deli counter.

When you try one, the Frau handing them out looks pissed that you didn't buy a whole sausage.

by Anonymousreply 12October 21, 2020 2:41 PM

I'm the special needs kid bagging the groceries.

by Anonymousreply 13October 21, 2020 2:42 PM

to pass the time, i actually do a running funny (for me at least) commentary out loud on the speaker announcement! laugh...

by Anonymousreply 14October 21, 2020 2:42 PM

I’m the Muzak.

by Anonymousreply 15October 21, 2020 2:43 PM

R9

Ditto with the organic vs. regular fruit

by Anonymousreply 16October 21, 2020 2:43 PM

I'm the self-checkout, which is really multiple registers being run by one cashier who has to assist almost every customer.

by Anonymousreply 17October 21, 2020 2:43 PM

I'm the automated voice at the self-checkout reminding you to "place your item in the bagging area."

by Anonymousreply 18October 21, 2020 2:45 PM

I’m the wonky wheel on the cart. Y’all hate me, but I do nothing but laugh all day because your fat asses won’t go back out and pick a different cart.

by Anonymousreply 19October 21, 2020 2:46 PM

i'm the cashier on their feet the entire time and who also have to bag the groceries because the actual bagger only 1 at a time has to monitor multiple conveyer belts..

by Anonymousreply 20October 21, 2020 2:46 PM

You people are calling in from 1975. Muzak?

by Anonymousreply 21October 21, 2020 2:47 PM

I’m all the products with older sell-by-dates, pushed right up front, hoping to be picked first.

by Anonymousreply 22October 21, 2020 2:48 PM

I'm the annoying voice on the self check-out register that says "Unexpected item in bagging area" after every scan.

by Anonymousreply 23October 21, 2020 2:49 PM

I'm that toddler that you hear incessantly crying the entire time you're in the store.

by Anonymousreply 24October 21, 2020 2:50 PM

I'm one of the multiple white haired women shopping on Friday afternoon because I've done this for 50 years. Its not like I don't do anything all day long. 👵

I also pay with a check.

by Anonymousreply 25October 21, 2020 2:51 PM

I am the voice in the self check out register, glad I caught another dirtball like R23 trying to get out of the store without paying for shit.

Job security.

by Anonymousreply 26October 21, 2020 2:51 PM

I'm...Elaine

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 27October 21, 2020 2:52 PM

[quote]I’m the incessant reminder to someone to “Close the loading dock door!” on the loudspeaker at DC’s Soviet Safeway.

Is that the 17th Street Soviet Safeway or the Cleveland Park Soviet Safeway?

by Anonymousreply 28October 21, 2020 2:53 PM

^ at 6:08

by Anonymousreply 29October 21, 2020 2:54 PM

I’m the 17 year old forced to work the bakery counter since Myra called in sick and, no, I don’t give a shit if I spelled Bralynn’s name wrong on his birthday cake.

by Anonymousreply 30October 21, 2020 2:56 PM

I'm the frau in training wearing yoga pants who is loading five bags of broccoli into her shopping cart.

by Anonymousreply 31October 21, 2020 3:02 PM

I'm the fraus with no concept whatsoever that other people exist. The end of this aisle is the perfect place for our chat.

by Anonymousreply 32October 21, 2020 3:04 PM

I'm Karen ready to give r29 hell because he gave Bralynn a peanut butter cookie when I specifically asked for chocolate chip! YOU IDIOT SHE HAS A SEVERE PEANUT ALLERGY, SHE COULD DIE!! WHERE THE HELL IS MYRA? SHE KNOWS BETTER THAN TO GIVE OUT PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES.

by Anonymousreply 33October 21, 2020 3:04 PM

I'm sorry, I'm Karen giving r29 hell.

by Anonymousreply 34October 21, 2020 3:06 PM

R30, dammit.

by Anonymousreply 35October 21, 2020 3:06 PM

R28, that’s the 17th and Corcoran Safeway, comrade.

by Anonymousreply 36October 21, 2020 3:17 PM

I am the arrows on the floor during the pandemic that no one pays attention to.

by Anonymousreply 37October 21, 2020 3:20 PM

I'm the guy with one item in his hand standing in line behind a person with an overflowing shopping cart despite the self-checkout and 15 items or less stations that are 10 feet away.

by Anonymousreply 38October 21, 2020 3:22 PM

I am soft lighting, lack of weird supermarket smell, and pleasant atmosphere.

by Anonymousreply 39October 21, 2020 3:24 PM

I'm the lazy bum who leaves his cart in an empty parking spot.

by Anonymousreply 40October 21, 2020 3:26 PM

I am never r38.

by Anonymousreply 41October 21, 2020 3:26 PM

I'm the passive aggressive signs reminding customers to somehow stay 6 ft. apart in jam packed store.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 42October 21, 2020 3:27 PM

I'm the coin counter machine. I take 20 percent. I used to be the job of banks!

by Anonymousreply 43October 21, 2020 3:29 PM

I am that cool edgy alternative hit song playlist from 1992 that is now playing as background music on the sound system. At first you go, oh this is cool they're playing good music in this store... then you realize... gurl, you old.

by Anonymousreply 44October 21, 2020 3:32 PM

I'm the straight guy on the phone with my frau wife. She asked me to stop on my way home from work. I need to bring home baking powder and cilantro and I have no idea where to find them, let alone what they are.

by Anonymousreply 45October 21, 2020 3:33 PM

r27 at proper time....sorry.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 46October 21, 2020 3:35 PM

I’m the PA system, telling Fernando to clean up “wet breakage” in aisle four.

by Anonymousreply 47October 21, 2020 3:40 PM

I'm the E.coli and Campylobactor jejuni bacteria juice on the checkout conveyer belt.

by Anonymousreply 48October 21, 2020 3:46 PM

I'm the quick return you need to make at the customer service desk, that should take one minute, but you're stuck behind the gambling addict who's buying their lottery tickets.

by Anonymousreply 49October 21, 2020 3:49 PM

[quote]When you try one, the Frau handing them out looks pissed that you didn't buy a whole sausage.

I'm the Frau's husband, playing with his whole sausage in the men's room while trying to catch a glimpse of the hot bag boys.

by Anonymousreply 50October 21, 2020 3:56 PM

I'm Bralynn and I managed the fastest transition in history between R30 and R33.

by Anonymousreply 51October 21, 2020 3:57 PM

Now I want a thread, "Let's be Bralynn and his/her mom Karen at the Supermarket"

by Anonymousreply 52October 21, 2020 3:59 PM

I'm the fat whore who keeps circling back, again and again, to the free sample stations. I'm trying to be discreet about it but it's obvious the employees manning those stations know my game.

by Anonymousreply 53October 21, 2020 4:00 PM

I am...

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 54October 21, 2020 4:04 PM

I'm the people at the back of the check-out line who go rushing to the front of the line when a clerk opens up a new check-out line. Why can't the clerk say, "the NEXT person in line can come over here"?

by Anonymousreply 55October 21, 2020 4:04 PM

How are you today? You doing good? I am the hot chicken server. If I recognize you as a regular I sift thru the chicken for the best, biggest, juiciest breast. If I do not recognize you I give you the easiest one to get to.

by Anonymousreply 56October 21, 2020 4:05 PM

I’m Karen. No, I WILL NOT WEAR A FUCKING MASK, AND NONE OF YOU SHEEPLE WILL MAKE ME! THIS USED TO BE A FREE COUNTRY BEFORE THE COMMIE KENYAN TOOK OVER!!! OW! LET ME GO! I’LL SUE!

MAGA!

by Anonymousreply 57October 21, 2020 4:07 PM

I'm Karen. I brought all four of my kids and my husband with me. My husband could have stayed home with the kids, but we thought a trip to the store would be quality time. It's not my fault that my kids knocked over that display of boxes; the store should have made it more sturdy. Also, it's the store's fault my kids are pumped up; they must have eaten a few dozen pieces of candy from the bulk food section. How dare the store tempt kids with candy that's so easy to reach. Now we're at the check-out line, and I'm letting my kids scan and bag the items...and swipe the credit card to pay. Sure, it takes twice as long, but isn't it cute? Please back up a few feet; I've live-streaming this on Facebook.

by Anonymousreply 58October 21, 2020 4:10 PM

I'm the third world immigrant family straight off the boat. Mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, four kids and what could possibly be three cousins. Every item in the store is taken off the shelf and thoroughly inspected by the entire family before a decision is made about purchasing it.

by Anonymousreply 59October 21, 2020 4:24 PM

I am the incredibly rude family with obnoxious children who loudly DEMAND to eat crisps/bicscuits/cream cakes RIGHT NOW.

The packages shall be opened and the little nightmares will stuff their faces like there is no tomorrow, but we won't pay for what the kids have eaten: empty packages will be not-so-discreetly discarded before we reach the checkout, and we will aggressively stare at anyone who dares to look at us disapprovingly.

If an employee asks us to pay for what the children have eaten, we will make a huge scene and indignantly proclaim our innocence... All the while, the £1.50 package of doughnuts is crumpled a mere five feet away from where we're standing.

by Anonymousreply 60October 21, 2020 4:46 PM

I’m the melting frozen dinner taken from the freezer and then abandoned on a shelf in the beverage aisle. I’ll go unnoticed for weeks.

by Anonymousreply 61October 21, 2020 4:49 PM

I'm the empty condom boxes lying on the shelves. And also the empty sudafed boxes. Someone is making meth and getting laid.

by Anonymousreply 62October 21, 2020 4:52 PM

I'm Jeffrey Toobin, killing time by jerking my cock in the "Cookies and Crackers" aisle.

by Anonymousreply 63October 21, 2020 4:52 PM

I'm diet soda. You'll rarely see skinny people put me in their carts, usually just the fatties. They somehow think I will make them lose weight.

by Anonymousreply 64October 21, 2020 6:53 PM

I'm the married men cruising in the produce section.

by Anonymousreply 65October 21, 2020 6:54 PM

I'm the large cucumber.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 66October 21, 2020 7:06 PM

I'm this book, [italic]The Secret Life of Groceries[/italic] , by Benjamin Lorr.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 67October 21, 2020 8:24 PM

I'm this book, [italic]The Secret Life of Groceries[/italic] , by Benjamin Lorr.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 68October 21, 2020 8:24 PM

R68; your twin brother was just here.

by Anonymousreply 69October 21, 2020 8:25 PM

I’m the electric scooters on its last legs thanks to the fatties who take advantage of me.

by Anonymousreply 70October 21, 2020 8:54 PM

I'm your local Chicagoland Butera. I smell like mop water that's been used in the meat and produce sections.

by Anonymousreply 71October 21, 2020 11:58 PM

I'm the 1975 supermarket playlist. Enjoy!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 72October 22, 2020 12:19 AM

I'm a cunt who doesn't say "excuse me" and just pushes my cart directly into other people to get them to move.

by Anonymousreply 73October 22, 2020 4:32 AM

I am the motorbike being rided by the fatass.

by Anonymousreply 74October 22, 2020 4:34 AM

I am Karen's hairstyle

by Anonymousreply 75October 22, 2020 4:35 AM

I'm the ironically snobby older gentleman working the checkout counter.

by Anonymousreply 76October 22, 2020 4:42 AM

I’m “Raven 2 years” the MTF trans checkout clerk who isn’t quite there yet. My long, beautiful hair is sewn into my (store mandated) baseball cap. My makeup, to put it kindly, is still a work in progress and I always need a manicure.

That said, I keep those checkout lines moving!

by Anonymousreply 77October 22, 2020 12:56 PM

I'm the abandoned cart in Aisle 11. I contain strawberry creme wafer cookies, Café Bustelo instant coffee, and a store ad from last week.

by Anonymousreply 78October 22, 2020 1:00 PM

i'm the persons who NEVER EVER EVER say "excuse" me when they literally walk right in front of me a foot away (you know never that whole pandemic thing going on) and/or who stop in front of me blocking my view of a product, or who almost lean over me without saying anything to get to what they want....and the person who can't wait their turn when asking a employee a question while they are already helping me with a question and they blurt out their question and needs..

by Anonymousreply 79October 22, 2020 1:40 PM

I'm the palpable stench letting you know there's a fish counter somewhere near...Or Cheryl.

by Anonymousreply 80October 22, 2020 2:00 PM

I am the stooped over, ancient, old white lady - I am paying with a check that I am very slowly taking out of my purse. This will take all day.

by Anonymousreply 81October 22, 2020 2:11 PM

I am the toilet paper aisle. Soon I will be ransacked by fraus who refuse to wear a mask - but are terrified wave 2 of COVID will give their families explosive shits!

by Anonymousreply 82October 22, 2020 2:12 PM

[quote]I am the motorbike being rided by the fatass.

That requires more than the customary "oh, dear."

OMFG!

by Anonymousreply 83October 22, 2020 2:12 PM

I'm the grocery store public restrooms. After several unfortunate incidents involving a previously regular customer getting caught masturbating in the restroom out in the open in the nude (whilst filming for his XTube channel, no less), both the male and female bathrooms are now locked and are only able to be unlocked by a manager at their discretion. The only people who ask to use the bathrooms now are homeless people with backpacks who end up taking bird baths in the restroom.

by Anonymousreply 84October 22, 2020 2:40 PM

I'm the xl jar of silver balls by a brand you've never heard of. I'm on the shelf in an independent Turk run grocery store in the Bay Area. You are tempted to buy me because grandma's xmas cookies call for me, and I'm banned in chain supermarkets and handsome Ahmet always has his kids in the store and seems like a nice guy so he wouldn't sell poison, would he?

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 85October 22, 2020 2:43 PM

I’m r84’s masturbator.

Sorry to have ruined it for you. My bad.

by Anonymousreply 86October 22, 2020 2:51 PM

I’m the salad bar. I’m filled disposable face masks labeled “$5.99 each — Special!”, hand sanitizer in tiny bottles, and toilet paper that looks like a familiar brand but only from far away. I still have full bins of individually-wrapped forks and spoons. Where’d all my friends and the tarragon chicken salad go?

by Anonymousreply 87October 22, 2020 3:22 PM

[quote] I'm the self-checkout, which is really multiple registers being run by one cashier who has to assist almost every customer.

I'm the one cashier who is supposed to be manning the self-checkouts, but I am nowhere to be found, even as the self-checkouts are failing, leaving customers stranded while the automated voice keeps repeating that "Help is on the way."

by Anonymousreply 88October 22, 2020 3:34 PM

r88 Help is usually gossiping with other help about their boyfriends, their weekends, and "this bitch in the Lysol aisle."

by Anonymousreply 89October 22, 2020 3:37 PM

I am the angry clerk with the tattooed face, currently on work release, sponsored by a local church. I like to silently scowl at the customers, leaving them thoroughly intimidated. Please support my efforts to assimilate back into society, motherfuckers.

by Anonymousreply 90October 22, 2020 3:42 PM

I'm Naomi Harper.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 91October 22, 2020 3:43 PM

[quote] Where’d all my friends and the tarragon chicken salad go?

You and he don’t get along?

I’m the basin of lettuce and I thought we were all friends.

by Anonymousreply 92October 22, 2020 5:58 PM

I am the deli clerk who wants to know your whole order upfront, then proceeds to ask you to repeat it as she fills the order.

by Anonymousreply 93October 22, 2020 6:11 PM

I’m the thin tiny plastic bags for you to store your fruit and vegetables while shopping. I’m a bitch to open and I’m honored to make you feel stupid as you stand there for 10 minutes trying.

by Anonymousreply 94October 22, 2020 6:13 PM

I am the deli "salads" which consist of leftover toppings from yesterday's salad bar tossed in mayonnaise.

The elderly ladies love me- so much variety!

by Anonymousreply 95October 22, 2020 6:14 PM

I’m the deli clerk, Wanda, from R93. I’ve been in this town my entire life, work 60 hours a week and all I want is my smoke break. I don’t care about your order even though this hat makes me look professional.

by Anonymousreply 96October 22, 2020 6:15 PM

I’m the toilet pap—

I’m gone.

by Anonymousreply 97October 22, 2020 6:20 PM

I'm non-Iodized mined table salt. A very inexpensive beauty secret for your bath. Just add a drop or two of the essential oil that matches your need.

by Anonymousreply 98October 22, 2020 10:07 PM

I'm the number you still have to take even though there is only one other person at the deli counter who already seems to be finished.

by Anonymousreply 99October 23, 2020 5:40 AM

I'm the person you're stuck behind at the deli counter who's ordering enough for an army. This is going to take awhile.

by Anonymousreply 100October 23, 2020 5:46 AM

I'm the hipster couple taking way too long to locate an ingredient.

by Anonymousreply 101October 23, 2020 5:52 AM

I'm the ORGANIC aisle, an aisle that contains foods that upper-middle class white people believe has magical properties and will prevent every disease known to humanity and make them live to be 112.

by Anonymousreply 102October 23, 2020 5:56 AM

I'm cat milk.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 103October 23, 2020 6:03 AM

I'm the back-to-school sale on knives.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 104October 23, 2020 6:05 AM

I'm today's special in the meat department.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 105October 23, 2020 6:06 AM

I'm Honey-Nut Cheerios -- now in the new Chrissy Metz-Size box.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 106October 23, 2020 6:08 AM

I'm the faggots.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 107October 23, 2020 6:10 AM

I'm Walter White, artisanal baker.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 108October 23, 2020 6:14 AM

I’m that smell near the meat counter.

by Anonymousreply 109October 23, 2020 6:22 AM

I'm the crunchy granola black, brown and other people that also shop in aisle R102.

by Anonymousreply 110October 23, 2020 6:24 AM

I'm the drunk in the snack aisle. Your whole family is out to be executed!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 111October 23, 2020 9:13 AM

I'm the frau eating a birthday cake in the toilet stall. Re: R111 "The owner of the store has treated me to cake. You haven't been told?"

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 112October 23, 2020 11:12 AM

I’m the stupid state liquor laws which don’t allow teenage cashiers (the vast majority in the store) to even touch wine and beer long enough to ring it up, necessitating a call to the manager every time they come through the line. This quadruples the duration of your “quick” trip, especially when everyone else seems to be buying booze too.

by Anonymousreply 113October 23, 2020 11:37 AM

I'm the lobster tank.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 114October 23, 2020 12:34 PM

I'm the little mini cart filled with bags of groceries you see your senior citizen neighbors pushing from their detached garage to their front door after they return from the supermarket. You smile and giggle to yourself as you picture them in the market parking lot throwing the cart into their van and driving out the lot all shifty eyed and shit.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 115October 23, 2020 1:20 PM

I'm the message over the intercom:

"CLEAN UP ON AISLE THIRTEEN - AGAIN!!"

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 116October 23, 2020 1:32 PM

I'm the 250 pound women in yoga pants who always complains she can't lose weight. My cart is loaded with hoe-hoes, ding-dongs, chips, ice-cream. I will also buy one head of iceburg lettuce which I plan to eat at every meal this week to jump start my weight loss. Also, a 32 oz. bottle of ranch dressing.

by Anonymousreply 117October 23, 2020 1:35 PM

I'm the cleaning aisle. I provide bleach after you have viewed r116

by Anonymousreply 118October 23, 2020 1:44 PM

I'm an Indian migrant 'slipping' on a rogue grape in the fruit department and I'm going to sue!

by Anonymousreply 119October 23, 2020 2:47 PM

I'm the 'ANUSOL' entry that will come up on the self-check out screen.

by Anonymousreply 120October 23, 2020 2:51 PM

I'm the Cultural Revolution-era Chinese woman in the dairy section. I recently moved in with my son, who is a professor of physics at the nearby state university. I have five separate egg cartons opened. I am inspecting each carton, removing the largest eggs, and putting them in the carton that I will ultimately purchase.

by Anonymousreply 121October 23, 2020 2:52 PM

I am the bakery department, full of sloppily decorated quarter sheet cakes with lumpy blue roses and scraggly leaves. Some kid has pushed against the cellophane box top and squished all the roses he can reach. There is a table piled with boxes of seasonal cupcakes with lurid dollops of colored frosting and sprinkles on top. The same kid squished all the cupcakes against the plastic containers.

by Anonymousreply 122October 23, 2020 3:22 PM

I’m the International Foods aisle where you’ll find guava paste, oyster sauce and matzo.

by Anonymousreply 123October 23, 2020 3:26 PM

I am the kid from R122. My home life is a catastrophe, and I'm just acting out.

by Anonymousreply 124October 23, 2020 4:59 PM

I'm the evil checkout clerk who shouts "I need a price check on Trojans - Extra Small" into the loudspeaker when her ex-boyfriend comes through.

by Anonymousreply 125October 23, 2020 5:04 PM

I'm the yuppie taking a business call on the ear device who you think is talking to himself or you, at first.

by Anonymousreply 126October 23, 2020 5:11 PM

I'm the nametag. Tanner - 1 Year. Brandon - 2 Years. Marge - 23 Years.

by Anonymousreply 127October 23, 2020 5:13 PM

I'm the gigantic potato latkes at the kosher counter. I'm right next to the knishes.

by Anonymousreply 128October 23, 2020 5:14 PM

I'm the announcement containing the secret code word for "Security Alert! Someone is stealing Spam on Aisle 2"

by Anonymousreply 129October 23, 2020 5:15 PM

I'm R117, coming back again, because I realized I forgot the generic 3-litre sodas...they're on sale for 99 cents!

by Anonymousreply 130October 23, 2020 5:19 PM

I’m the Employee of the Month wall near the bathrooms which share a hallway with the break room. My photos are faded and haven’t been updated in 5 years.

by Anonymousreply 131October 23, 2020 5:52 PM

I'm myself when some sour faced older woman asked me to get something for her on the top shelf. She couldn't reach it. I hand it to her good naturedly, but she ignores me when she takes it from me, and does NOT say thanks. When she turns her back, I take it out her cart and put it on the shelf again!

by Anonymousreply 132October 23, 2020 6:27 PM

I'm the sad middle-aged customer who is often mistaken for a clerk by other customers. They apologize when I tell them I don't work here, but in my mind, I am murdering them.

by Anonymousreply 133October 23, 2020 6:33 PM

I’m duck sauce. I hope I’m in r123 because why the FUCK would you put me with salad dressing?

by Anonymousreply 134October 23, 2020 6:38 PM

I'm the conveyor belt at checkout coated with mystery fluids.

by Anonymousreply 135October 23, 2020 6:42 PM

I'm the unwashed grape that your mother samples.

by Anonymousreply 136October 23, 2020 6:47 PM

I’m scowling at the defiant anti-masker bitch who I’ve avoided all over the store only to have her jump into the shortest line. And, making matters even more enraging, it’s the line with the HOT cashier named Owen who I love to flirt with.

by Anonymousreply 137October 23, 2020 7:04 PM

I'm the two supermarkets in town - the one where white people shop, and the one where white people USED to shop.

by Anonymousreply 138October 23, 2020 7:05 PM

I'm me when I was 17 collecting carriages in all weather in my Doc Martens, khakis, cheap Walmart white shirt and ugly tie, wallet chain and new ear piercings, thinking I looked cool. Meeting kids from other towns for the first time, hanging out in their cars after work drinking iced lattes and smoking.

by Anonymousreply 139October 23, 2020 7:10 PM

I'm everything in this 1980 Grocery Store Training Video.

Keep a lookout at the 1:30 mark for a possible POO SHOES sighting.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 140October 23, 2020 7:15 PM

I'm the drunk middle-aged queen buying a single large cucumber at 4 AM on a Saturday night at the all night supermarket.

by Anonymousreply 141October 23, 2020 7:18 PM

I’m the young Latina mother of four in line ahead of you. I’ll be paying for a cartload of milk, juice, bread and formula using a bunch of WIC checks. Lo siento señor, but this will require several separate, torturously slow transactions. By the time I’m through, you will have had some shockingly sexist, snobbish and racist thoughts.

by Anonymousreply 142October 23, 2020 7:34 PM

We’re the four stoners in a semi-circle around the Entenmann’s display at midnight.

Everything looks good. We’re paralyzed by so many choices.

by Anonymousreply 143October 23, 2020 7:35 PM

[quote]By the time I’m through, you will have had some shockingly sexist, snobbish and racist thoughts.

"Stop having kids, you stupid puta! We're tired of supporting you with our tax dollars!"

by Anonymousreply 144October 23, 2020 7:57 PM

Hi, this is Rose. I’m just wondering why the guy at r141 is only buying one cucumber. That won’t make a whole salad. Um, ok, bye.

by Anonymousreply 145October 23, 2020 8:35 PM

I'm the person who takes your cart by mistake.

by Anonymousreply 146October 23, 2020 9:20 PM

R141 Enjoy your salad.

by Anonymousreply 147October 23, 2020 9:29 PM

Ooh an olive bar!

by Anonymousreply 148October 23, 2020 9:42 PM

I'm the manager's office where I used to suck off my very hot daddy general manager once or twice a week.

by Anonymousreply 149October 23, 2020 9:42 PM

I'm the whole 14lb Cumberland Gap ham that just fell to the floor from under the Mumu is some morbidly obese woman in the check-out who was only buying a pack of Dentyne.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 150October 23, 2020 9:46 PM

Omg Frick’s ham steak!

by Anonymousreply 151October 23, 2020 9:49 PM

I am the super huge bodybuilder in spandex walking down the aisle hunched over my cart that is filled to the top with meat and eggs and showing off my gargantuan ass that looks like two beach balls fighting for space.

by Anonymousreply 152October 23, 2020 10:50 PM

I’m the grody restrooms that everybody takes a dump in.

by Anonymousreply 153October 23, 2020 10:54 PM

Interesting that all of those markets listed at the end of R140's video have long since gone out of business (I think). Guess that training didn't really do the trick now, did it?

by Anonymousreply 154October 23, 2020 11:22 PM

I'm the rib eye steak tucked up tight inside Babs Johnson's own little oven. She's the filthiest person in this supermarket!

by Anonymousreply 155October 23, 2020 11:35 PM

I'm the security staff who just can't understand why we catch no shop lifters. The numbers don't lie, so we know it's happening. Ah! There goes the store Manager again carrying yet another huge box of donations for the poor. GREAT GUY!

by Anonymousreply 156October 24, 2020 12:36 AM

I'm the box of holiday themed napkins in the clearance aisle.

by Anonymousreply 157October 24, 2020 1:02 AM

I'm the "Day Old" bakery items which are actually over a week old.

by Anonymousreply 158October 24, 2020 1:23 AM

We didn’t say what day.

by Anonymousreply 159October 24, 2020 1:24 AM

I'm the DLer that takes a banana, peels it, eats it and then disposes of the banana peel before he leaves the supermarket.

by Anonymousreply 160October 24, 2020 1:58 AM

I'm the kid who works in the store, sitting in my car on break eating Doritos and drinking a Red Bull.

by Anonymousreply 161October 24, 2020 2:45 AM

I’m the coin operated mechanical horse ride out front.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 162October 24, 2020 3:06 AM

I'm the claw-crane game machine in the entranceway. Amazingly, you see people playing me sometimes.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 163October 24, 2020 3:20 AM

I'm the little plastic toys, fake tattoo stickers and gumballs and candy inside the coin-operated machines next to the claw crane. We might have been trapped in here since the 1980's.

by Anonymousreply 164October 24, 2020 3:22 AM

I'm the community bulletin board above the coin operated machines. Need cleaning services, babysitting, lawn care or junk removal? How about a lawyer? Electrolysis?

by Anonymousreply 165October 24, 2020 3:25 AM

I'm the announcement at 8:55pm that you have five minutes to bring beer to the checkout before alcohol sales stop for the night. Wine and hard liquor are not allowed to be sold here, just beer.

by Anonymousreply 166October 24, 2020 3:25 AM

I’m the tabloids in the checkout aisle. I’ve been reporting on Hillary’s alien baby and Queen Elizabeth’s sad last days for over two decades. You’ll buy me anyway.

by Anonymousreply 167October 24, 2020 4:47 AM

I'm the buckets of carnations.

by Anonymousreply 168October 24, 2020 4:51 AM

I'm the celebrities on all the magazine covers at the checkout. You don't know who half of them are. And you really don't care.

by Anonymousreply 169October 24, 2020 5:31 AM

I'm the shelf upon shelf of pita bread. No one wants me, but I'm always there waiting, hoping that someone will take pity on me and place me in their cart.

by Anonymousreply 170October 24, 2020 6:08 AM

I'm the slot machines in the little room off the entrance to every supermarket in Nevada.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 171October 24, 2020 7:07 AM

Hi, I'm Meaghan your over eager cashier! I hope you found everything okay! Would you like this bag of Reese's Pieces left out or do you want me to bag it? I'd like to remind you that you are only 12 points away from getting 10 cents off a gallon of gas! Would you like help out with your bags? Thank you for shopping here, come again!

by Anonymousreply 172October 24, 2020 2:08 PM

I’m the “charity” that you’re asked to donate to at checkout.

by Anonymousreply 173October 24, 2020 2:32 PM

I’m the asshole who parks in the fire zone because I’m just running in for a minute, in spite of the fact the store just opened so the parking lot is virtually empty and there’s 5 spots within 10 feet.

I’m an entitled dick.

by Anonymousreply 174October 24, 2020 2:33 PM

I'm the canned vegetables and fruit that used to take up a large part of the store, and are now are lonely and neglected in a small section of a middle aisle.

by Anonymousreply 175October 24, 2020 2:53 PM

R134. I’m the iceberg lettuce and LaChoy chow mein noodles that will be smothered with duck sauce in order to make the “Asian salad” on page 42 of the spiral bound “Cooking with Christ” cookbook from the Women’s Guild of the Paducah, Kentucky Full Faith Bible Baptist Church.

by Anonymousreply 176October 24, 2020 3:27 PM

I'm the now 60-somethings who have known each other since grade school running into each other, loudly stating, "______? Is that you? Oh my god, how aaaaaare you?!"

Couples, single, widowed, etc. They're mostly fat and old now, and the one thing they have in common is they've never left this town. How long has it been? In most cases not long enough as most of these people hate each other but are now forced to play friendly next to the ground beef isle. Their individual small town secrets could set the place on fire!

by Anonymousreply 177October 24, 2020 3:46 PM

I'm the crazy guy next to you in the self-checkout, arguing with the automated voice:

"Please scan the next item"

"I haven't scanned the FIRST item, YET!"

Please remove the last item from the bag and scan it"

"OH, HEEEEELL NO! YOU TRYNA SAY I STOLE SUMPTHIN???"

"Please wait for assistance from the cashier - Help is on the way"

"IF ANYBODY NEEDS HELP, IT'S **YOU, BITCH!!**"

by Anonymousreply 178October 24, 2020 4:38 PM

We are the power ballads by Air Supply and Journey that replaced Muzak around 1992. We will be interspersed with a small selection of 1960s oldies, mainly Motown and The Beach Boys, some of the least psychedelic Beatles songs, and occasionally “Downtown” by Petula Clark. Once the 20-year nostalgia cycle hits disco, “The Hustle” will enter the mix despite the manager’s misgivings.

by Anonymousreply 179October 24, 2020 5:08 PM

I’m the 78 year old man getting arrested after being stabbed in the parking lot by my transgender girlfriend.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 180October 24, 2020 5:27 PM

I'm the alcoholics racing to get their booze five minutes before alcohol sales are stopped for the night.

by Anonymousreply 181October 24, 2020 5:50 PM

[quote] I'm the canned vegetables and fruit that used to take up a large part of the store, and are now are lonely and neglected in a small section of a middle aisle.

We are the fresh, organic vegetables who took their place. And to think that for years you made fun of the “hippie dippy“ store on the other side of town for doing the same thing three decades earlier!

by Anonymousreply 182October 24, 2020 5:52 PM

I'm the customer who probably has hyperthyroidism and definitely has the resulting crazy, mean attitude and eyes to match. I insist on using six store coupons even though the limit is three per customer. Don't you even think about challenging me.

by Anonymousreply 183October 24, 2020 5:56 PM

I'm Wanda the 63 year old deli clerk. I've been here since 1978 and everyone in town knows me and I know their orders by heart. If you dont see me you can hear my cough from a mile away. I just cut my hours to part time, but still take smoke breaks every 45 minutes like clock work. I drive the old Toyota Camry parked close to the front of the store. Normally employees have to park what seems like a mile away, but the store manager lets me park closer to the store. I knew that kid when he was a 15 year old bag boy.

by Anonymousreply 184October 24, 2020 5:59 PM

I’m the vinyl coin purse pulled out the old man’s Sansabelt pants. It will take 4 minutes to extract exact change from me.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 185October 24, 2020 5:59 PM

I'm the self-serve lottery ticket vending machine next to the Coinstar. I've cut down on service counter lottery ticket purchases a little, but not as much as you'd think.

by Anonymousreply 186October 24, 2020 6:00 PM

I am the litany of poorly-written People [italic]Maga[/italic]zine ripoffs all covering the same basic bitches every goddamn week.

by Anonymousreply 187October 24, 2020 6:03 PM

I'm the store brand, often just as good the "real thing" and considerably cheaper or at least totally acceptable because you don't care that much about the item you're buying. But, all of you have varying specific items for which I am just not good enough.

by Anonymousreply 188October 24, 2020 6:07 PM

I'm the weird little man who tries to use Milky Way Ice Cream Bar coupons to pay for regular MW candy bars, and other coupons to pay for other similar but lesser-priced items. When told I can't do that, I sheepishly say with a smile, "I was trying to make a profit," and walk out of the store.

by Anonymousreply 189October 24, 2020 6:07 PM

I’m a fat, pregnant Mexican woman buying ice cream, cake, cola, and cookies for her for equally fat children and her fifth one who is sure to be just as fat. In spite of this, I still feel like wearing tight black leggings in public.

by Anonymousreply 190October 24, 2020 6:11 PM

Four

by Anonymousreply 191October 24, 2020 6:11 PM

[quote]We are the fresh, organic vegetables who took their place. And to think that for years you made fun of the “hippie dippy“ store on the other side of town for doing the same thing three decades earlier!

We're fresh vegetables that have always been in supermarket who realize it's frozen vegetables that have taken the place of canned, not us.

by Anonymousreply 192October 24, 2020 6:46 PM

I’m r193 and I found r184’s story really cool and nostalgic for some reason.

I know, I know...MARY!!

by Anonymousreply 193October 24, 2020 7:04 PM

I'm genderfluid and nonbinary.

by Anonymousreply 194October 24, 2020 7:36 PM

I’m part of the stock team and I’m seemingly here at all hours. Ma’am, I don’t care if you need to get down this aisle, I gotta unload these boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch!

by Anonymousreply 195October 24, 2020 7:37 PM

I’m r195’s U-boat full of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a bunch of other shit. I’m conveniently parked diagonally across the aisle to ensure no paying customer can get down the aisle. If they squeeze past—or worse, move me—r195 will give them the stink eye for me.

by Anonymousreply 196October 24, 2020 7:46 PM

I'm the theme from "Mission Impossible," and some people actually play me in their heads as they zig-zag , bob n weave, and jump hurdles just to get some grocery shopping done at what's known as the Wal-Mart Super Center!

by Anonymousreply 197October 24, 2020 7:50 PM

I'm the small display of "Free fruit. One piece per child." Nobody will touch me.

by Anonymousreply 198October 24, 2020 7:57 PM

I am the exact item you drove to the store for.

I am out of stock.

There is no more in the back.

I might be back in stock on Thursday of next week.

by Anonymousreply 199October 24, 2020 8:00 PM

I’m all the other shit r199 will pick up anyway because, “hey, I’m here already.”

by Anonymousreply 200October 24, 2020 8:01 PM

We're Madysyn and Jaydyn, touching all the produce with our snot-encrusted hands.

by Anonymousreply 201October 24, 2020 8:04 PM

I’m the meat counter in an ethnic market. You have to visit me to find the necessary items to make proper broth or stock. I also feature tripe and brains.

by Anonymousreply 202October 24, 2020 8:12 PM

We're the spices in clear bags for 99 cents per bag, in the Mexican foods, "Hispanic foods" or "Ethnic foods" aisle.

We're also available in glass jars for $7.49 each, in the regular spices section of the baking aisle, if you prefer.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 203October 24, 2020 8:12 PM

I'm the valid coupons you find from time to time laying in front of some of the products on your shopping list. I make you think "It's so great that my store has a coupon fairy."

by Anonymousreply 204October 24, 2020 8:15 PM

I’m the Instacart shoppers clogging up the narrow aisles with their gigantic wagons for people who can’t be arsed to shop for themselves.

by Anonymousreply 205October 24, 2020 8:15 PM

I’m the 16 year old babysitter of Madysyn and Jaydyn from R201. I’m really excited about my new license so I packed the girls in my dad’s truck just to buy some flamin hot Cheetos and swipe this Maybelline mascara.

by Anonymousreply 206October 24, 2020 8:16 PM

I’m pre-packaged “supermarket sushi!” I just started getting stocked a few years ago in a chilled contained at the end of the isle near the fish. Aren’t I exotic? You get chopsticks, packets of soy sauce and little plastic grad things, all in a plastic pouch. Adorable! I taste absolutely terrible.

I’d go for my vegan veggie rolls or California rolls if I were you. Or you can get the salmon sashimi one IF YOU DARE

by Anonymousreply 207October 24, 2020 8:23 PM

*container

by Anonymousreply 208October 24, 2020 8:23 PM

I’m a quarter you need to get a shopping crate at ALDI. I have been the subject of numerous bitchy posts on Datalounge.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 209October 24, 2020 8:24 PM

[quote]"It's so great that my store has a coupon fairy."

You should see the HABA manager. Talk about fairy.

by Anonymousreply 210October 24, 2020 8:27 PM

[quote] at the end of the isle near the fish.

Well, yes, you are exotic if you came from an isle.

Now, if you’re in an aisle in a grocery store, not so much.

by Anonymousreply 211October 24, 2020 8:28 PM

Isn’t Lesbos the fish isle?

by Anonymousreply 212October 24, 2020 8:29 PM

I’m too scared to look.

by Anonymousreply 213October 24, 2020 8:33 PM

I made so many typos on that sushi post LOL!

It’s an ode to 50-something queens like me occasionally trying to post on DL using their iPhones, without reading glasses. Hopeless!

Ho1,&:8hg!!

by Anonymousreply 214October 24, 2020 8:42 PM

I love ya anyway, r214!

by Anonymousreply 215October 24, 2020 8:44 PM

I am the boxes of matzah labeled “not kosher for Passover.” I am growing concerned that no one will ever buy me, even after the inevitable markdown. I am so so jealous of the box of bite-size cracker-style matzahs with the Everything Bagel seasoning. That little tarted-up hussy.

by Anonymousreply 216October 24, 2020 8:53 PM

I'm the three all purpose gag cards in the tiny stationery section. We date from the 90s, we're yellowed and dingy, and we offer more wit than R190's heavy and humorless racist snark, dating from the 70s.

by Anonymousreply 217October 25, 2020 12:02 AM

In the old men selling Memorial Day poppies for the VFW. Were as old as the WWII vets were in 1993.

by Anonymousreply 218October 25, 2020 3:55 AM

Yes r218 it's somehow strange that Vietnam vets are geriatric now. I don't know why.

The WWII vets are pretty much gone.

by Anonymousreply 219October 25, 2020 5:52 AM

R219: "it's somehow strange that Vietnam vets are geriatric now. I don't know why."

Could it be the half-century since they were in Vietnam?

by Anonymousreply 220October 25, 2020 1:44 PM

R152!..... sounds good, REALLY GOOD AND HOT to me! lol!...

by Anonymousreply 221October 25, 2020 2:31 PM

I’m that guy from a sex party you forgot about. I call out “hi, remember me?! We, um, ‘met’ at Kevin’s place last summer...” loudly from the next checkout line with those audible quotes around “met.” May you should respond before I clarify further.

by Anonymousreply 222October 25, 2020 3:02 PM

R222 Awkward!

by Anonymousreply 223October 26, 2020 6:34 AM

I'm the overweight frau in her mid-50s. I'm not fat enough for a scooter, but as I meander up and down the aisles I learn forward and put all my weight on the cart.

by Anonymousreply 224October 31, 2020 6:36 PM

OP I just found this thread and I LOVE IT! Thank you!

by Anonymousreply 225October 31, 2020 7:11 PM

You're welcome r225 :-)

by Anonymousreply 226October 31, 2020 7:12 PM

"Special today: In our meat department: Meat!"

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 227October 31, 2020 7:17 PM

I'm a box of Wheat Thins, and I miss Sandy Duncan.

by Anonymousreply 228October 31, 2020 8:13 PM

I'm Geoffrey Owens. Remember me? I played Sondra's husband on "The Cosby Show." I work here now. Please don't ask me about Bill.

by Anonymousreply 229October 31, 2020 8:14 PM

I'm the "ethnic foods" section, and I'm basically just made up of taco shells, taco seasoning, and one expired box of instant pad thai.

by Anonymousreply 230October 31, 2020 8:27 PM

I'm the gentle mist in the produce section.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 231October 31, 2020 8:35 PM

I'm Kathy Bates.

I'm older and I have more insurance.

by Anonymousreply 232October 31, 2020 8:35 PM

"I'm a box of Wheat Thins, and I miss Sandy Duncan. "

We're all of your relatively young tarted-up siblings in a variety of flavors. Because the world needs tomato and basil wheat thins.

by Anonymousreply 233October 31, 2020 9:07 PM

[quote] I'm the "ethnic foods" section, and I'm basically just made up of taco shells, taco seasoning, and one expired box of instant pad thai.

And duck sauce.

by Anonymousreply 234October 31, 2020 10:38 PM

It's just sort of weird that this (OP) literally happened to me this morning... it was so loud, so grating... and the meat department. And now I log into DL and this is the 3rd post on my feed? Hmmm.... Coincidence? I think not.

by Anonymousreply 235October 31, 2020 10:41 PM

R231 Not post-COVID! At least in all the grocery stores I frequent. Dry as a bone.

I'd be curious to know if other DL-ers have had the mist turned off in their produce sections of their grocery stores, after COVID?

by Anonymousreply 236October 31, 2020 10:43 PM

r235 I always feel like the employees making those announcements try to sound as unhappy-with-their-jobs as possible. Either that, or having to make the announcement is the greatest inconvenience of their year.

by Anonymousreply 237October 31, 2020 10:48 PM

Good riddance R236. I never understood the over-use of this weird gimmick.

*P-s-s-s-t-t!* "Oh look! It's turning on!"

What, are we in Las Vegas?

by Anonymousreply 238October 31, 2020 10:48 PM

R236 I hate that thing! How many of you have I been inadvertently showered by this while trying to pick something out? Everything sopping wet. Even soaking plastic bags of kale and collard greens. What?

It's largely unnecessary. Some leafy greens might benefit from misting, but most proper fresh produce shouldn't need it. In fact it probably promotes rot, and as you pointed out isn't exactly sanitary.

by Anonymousreply 239October 31, 2020 10:52 PM

I’ll let you know tomorrow, r236.

Seriously, I have to stop at the store where I’ll check and hopefully get more fodder for this thread.

by Anonymousreply 240October 31, 2020 11:08 PM

I love this thread - thank you, OP!!

by Anonymousreply 241November 1, 2020 12:15 AM

You're welcome, r241!!

by Anonymousreply 242November 1, 2020 12:16 AM

I'm the cart lobby - also home to Boy Scouts selling wreaths, Salvation Army kettles, Veterans selling poppies, Girl Scout cookie sales, addiction centers selling candy bars. You can't avoid me.

by Anonymousreply 243November 1, 2020 12:26 AM

I'm the Frau for whom the packaged sushi that R207 mocks is the highlight of my week.

I get it every Wednesday for lunch and wolf down all that synthetic crab and rice and green wasabi paste in my cubicle at work.

My diet starts tomorrow.

by Anonymousreply 244November 1, 2020 12:34 AM

I’m r244’s work chair.

You don’t want to be anywhere near me on Thursday.

by Anonymousreply 245November 1, 2020 12:38 AM

[quote]I'm the cart lobby - also home to Boy Scouts selling wreaths, Salvation Army kettles, Veterans selling poppies, Girl Scout cookie sales, addiction centers selling candy bars. You can't avoid me.

You must be somewhere that has inclement weather. In California, those things are always outside the store.

by Anonymousreply 246November 1, 2020 12:38 AM

I thought r244 was about to say eat all the green plastic garnish.

by Anonymousreply 247November 1, 2020 12:40 AM

I'm the following conversation that occurred recently between me and a checker:

CHECKER (ringing up my purchase of a 12-pack of Coke Zero® and a small bag of frozen peas): Would you like some help out to your car with that?

ME: No, that's okay. I have a forklift waiting outside, because my car's on the other side of the lot and I may not make it.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I'm the free floor show provided by customers who are drunk, deluded, or mentally disabled. One evening I was standing in line at my neighborhood Vons, and the lady in front of me tried to buy a tube of toothpaste or something with one of those multimillion "checks" sent out to everyone from the Publisher's Clearing House. She wanted the remainder of the check in cash.

She was very politely told that the "check" was, in fact, no good, but she became insistent. The manager was called over. He listened to her for about a minute, then took the check and ripped it into little pieces. Apparently, the lady had been coming in several times a day to try and get her "check" cashed, and the manager finally got fed up with it.

by Anonymousreply 248November 1, 2020 4:28 AM

R248 Regarding your first comment: You sound like a douche. The clerk is numb at that point and only repeating what she/he has been saying all day. Aren't you the clever cunt...

by Anonymousreply 249November 1, 2020 5:47 AM

r249 If the clerk is that immune to what is going on before her very eyes, then she has my sympathy, but one should have the ability to ascertain whether help is actually needed. I guess perception isn't among your skills?

by Anonymousreply 250November 1, 2020 6:07 AM

I'M THE (AND YES THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO!) who had to put up with this young woman who 1) stood in the middle of the aisle on her cell phone and when i asked her twice "excuse me" just kept on talking, didn't move a inch, so i had to go around her as best as i could... then 2) a few moments later i'm first in line, no one behind him, waiting for the cashier to call out and say next, i see this same young woman, about 15 feet away picking up candy and then she walks past me and says "i was in line!" and then 3) she walks up and down past the check out lanes trying to get someone to wait on her, when the cashiers were checking others out and she wasn't even called!......

the idea that as a older gentleman she would differ to me never remotely crossed her mind and of course i'm too much of a manners wimp to have done anything about it! ..

by Anonymousreply 251November 1, 2020 2:18 PM

I’m the box of store brand fish sticks with a hot pink “Special! 50% off!!” sticker, and a package design that’s different from all the boxes behind me with no sticker. Try me!

by Anonymousreply 252November 1, 2020 3:48 PM

R251, I would have rammed her cart with my cart. That is the only way they will learn.

by Anonymousreply 253November 1, 2020 3:50 PM

Like r253, I have no compunction about bumping a cart out of my way. It doesn't happen that often, as I always use a small cart, and I always say "excuse me," but yeah, I'll bump if I have to.

by Anonymousreply 254November 1, 2020 4:04 PM

I am the person that leaves their cart in the middle of the aisle at an angle thus blocking the aisle. I realize this as you are approaching. I move my cart to the side as I say sorry. We end up repeating this same routine in two other aisles before we leave. I just do not understand why you are grumpy.

by Anonymousreply 255November 1, 2020 4:17 PM

R253 and R254..i forgot to mention she didn't even HAVE a cart! she literally had junkfood in her hands, (not even in a basket, since baskets are banned in the store)...it would be different if she herself had a cart when she didn't move when she was on her phone and i said excuse me twice, it would be different if she had a cart and at the front of the line and then stepped away a few feet away to pick up that junk food in her hands and then put it in her cart! how is someone in line when they don't have a cart and walk away from the line????????!!!!!!!!

pure stupidity or trash or both?

by Anonymousreply 256November 1, 2020 5:24 PM

I'm the large Diet Coke display that you have to pass before entering the chip aisle.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 257November 1, 2020 5:28 PM

I am the asshole who gets on line at the checkout and disappears to get more groceries several times.

by Anonymousreply 258November 1, 2020 5:30 PM

That maneuver doesn't bother me so much, r258. I usually end up going in front of that asshole.

by Anonymousreply 259November 1, 2020 5:58 PM

[quote] of course i'm too much of a manners wimp to have done anything about it!

R251 You are NOT a manners wimp. You are a gentleman who was treated poorly by a thoughtless bitch. Some other bitch will take her out later in the day, probably her own daughter.

by Anonymousreply 260November 1, 2020 7:15 PM

R258 I'm the guy who pushes your cart out of line while you go chasing the Chips Ahoy you now craved. If I'm with a friend, one of us pushes your cart to middle of Aisle 3 and abandons it there.

by Anonymousreply 261November 1, 2020 7:19 PM

Forgetting one item is reasonable, but getting off the line and having your shopping cart as a place marker multiple times means you are not done shopping. There is this woman who shops at the Trader Joe's on 14th Street in NYC and she tried this with me leaving her basket to mark her place, and when she left the third time I kicked it far into the adjoining aisle. She started a fuss when she returned and it was missing. I told her to finish her shopping and then get on the line and stop asking privileged and disrespectful to those waiting their turn patiently. She gave me the finger and tried to get back on line, and this large black woman behind me told her she will be wearing the basket as a hat if she cuts in ahead of her.

by Anonymousreply 262November 1, 2020 7:29 PM

I'm the cunt who buys 2 croissants at the bakery, eats them both while shopping, and throws away the bag before I check out.

by Anonymousreply 263November 1, 2020 8:39 PM

Une voyage a lá supermarchete!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 264November 1, 2020 9:05 PM

Pardonnez-moi!

by Anonymousreply 265November 1, 2020 9:07 PM

I am the selfish jerk who is fourth in line at the register but when another register opens up I rush over to be first.

by Anonymousreply 266November 2, 2020 3:30 PM

I'm the mega-supermarket that includes a Supercuts, a DQ, a nail salon, and a failing yogurt place.

My 'fresh' produce hasn't been replaced in a week.

by Anonymousreply 267November 2, 2020 5:35 PM

[quote] didn't move a inch,

[quote]the idea that as a older gentleman she would differ to me never remotely crossed her mind

Maybe she knew you didn’t know articles or what the word defer means and didn’t think you were worth her time.

by Anonymousreply 268November 2, 2020 5:36 PM

[quote] I'm the cunt who buys 2 croissants at the bakery, eats them both while shopping, and throws away the bag before I check out.

R263, what the hell is wrong with this? If the person bought them when should they eat them so it’ll please you?

by Anonymousreply 269November 2, 2020 5:37 PM

R269 Bad me. I didn't explain correctly. I "chose" them at the bakery, they were bagged at the bakery, to be purchased later at checkout. I ate them while doing the rest of my shopping and threw away the bag and bill before hitting the checkout.

by Anonymousreply 270November 2, 2020 5:41 PM

Ah, I gotchu, r270.

And just to stay with the theme of the thread:

I’m the muck and filth on the credit card reader at the self-help lane.

by Anonymousreply 271November 2, 2020 6:10 PM

I’m r272, and I promised r236 a report.

The misters were off.

by Anonymousreply 272November 2, 2020 6:11 PM

R266

I hope you get 1000 likes for this.

by Anonymousreply 273November 2, 2020 9:12 PM

[quote] I'm a box of Wheat Thins, and I miss Sandy Duncan.

I’m Sandy Duncan, and I’m still alive, bitch! I wasn’t the one who died. That was Valerie Harper.

by Anonymousreply 274November 2, 2020 9:36 PM

R266, I notice some stores, the person manning the existing checkout or the new checkout will specify who is supposed to come to the new line first.

by Anonymousreply 275November 2, 2020 9:55 PM

[quote]I’m Sandy Duncan, and I’m still alive, bitch! I wasn’t the one who died.

No, but your career did.

When was that last time they asked you to do a commercial?

by Anonymousreply 276November 2, 2020 10:27 PM

I'm the huge French supermarket in Jean-Luc Godard's 1972 film TOUT VA BIEN. Look, it's Jane Fonda!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 277November 2, 2020 10:58 PM

I'm the stack of Apartment Guides sitting directly at the exit.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 278November 3, 2020 11:34 AM

I'm the person that doesn't shut up. I stand at the checkout, yapping my ass off even after I've paid for all my items. I don't know how lines work and have no consideration for anyone but myself. Do you have things to do? Tough. I haven't finished talking about something invariably trivial yet.

by Anonymousreply 279November 3, 2020 12:49 PM

I'm the packager of Double Stuf Oreos resting on the lowest shelf of the candy and gum rack at the checkout.

I was tossed into the cart by a scampish seven-year-old whose mother was distracting and texting one of the other fraus from yoga class. She does not want to buy me and does not want to bother to tell the cashier to put me back.

But the cashier saw her put me down here and is giving her the stink eye for the rest of the transaction.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 280November 20, 2020 4:07 PM

[ugh, excuse typos at r280]

by Anonymousreply 281November 20, 2020 4:10 PM

I'm Sophia Petrillo. I'm looking for a nice ripe nectarine.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 282November 20, 2020 4:58 PM

I'm the woman who stops in the middle of the aisle. Not to look at the merchandise mind you, but just to chat with Midge, who is a minor acquaintance.

Our carts completely block the aisle, but that's OK because what I am saying to Midge is so fucking important. Why, I haven't seen her since I saw her at the beauty parlor two days ago. Let's take 15 minutes to catch up.

Also, I am a doctor's wife, so I don't work and therefore don't understand the concept of other people being busy.

by Anonymousreply 283November 20, 2020 6:36 PM

I'm the person in the aisle behind Midge, telling both of you to move your fat asses, stat.

The doc's wife doesn't like this but can't claim she doesn't know what it means.

by Anonymousreply 284November 21, 2020 12:35 PM

I went to the grocery store this morning at 6 am. I thought the special hour from 6 to 7 am for the lame and the halt and the over-60's was a thing of the past but no: the elderly and I were streaming in at the crack of not-quite-yet-dawn again.

But unlike before, they had everything I wanted except Valencia oranges and the kind of Arm and Hammer deodorant I like. No matter, Target will. But all the other stuff, even 70% rubbing alcohol, was there: the square boxes of Kleenex, Bounty paper towels, the high-line toilet paper - you name it, they had it, and I only had ten things on my list, supplemented by two 12 packs of Bounty and six six-packs of Supreme tp. Plus plenty of open checkout lanes, so I was out of there by 6:15.

by Anonymousreply 285November 21, 2020 1:07 PM

R285 has NO idea how to do a let’s be thread.

by Anonymousreply 286November 21, 2020 1:29 PM

Nor gives a shit about your snark...

by Anonymousreply 287November 21, 2020 3:20 PM

I'm the lesbian night manager. I just loaded 20 cartons of toilet paper the trunk of my Subaru outback. We have a 1 carton per customer rule, but that doesn't apply to lesbian night managers, does it. It's not hoarding if you have IBS. Also, I have IBS.

by Anonymousreply 288November 21, 2020 3:59 PM

(I think of this thread every time I go to the grocery.)

by Anonymousreply 289November 21, 2020 8:09 PM

I'm the Halloween clearance section in the seasonal aisle. I've been relegated to a three-foot potion of shelf to make way for Christmas merchandise.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 290November 25, 2020 2:14 PM

I'm insanity. You'll see me in just about every supermarket in the United States today.

After you clear the lines snaking through the parking lot and finally get inside, that is.

by Anonymousreply 291November 25, 2020 7:41 PM

I'm Instacart, which R292 has never seriously considered using, but as 291 rears its ugly head more and more (not just the day before Thanksgiving), R292 might just give me a chance.

by Anonymousreply 292November 25, 2020 7:49 PM

[quote]But what about selecting good produce?

Fuggetaboudit. The Amazon people who deliver for Whole Foods appear to be under orders to clear out the very worst looking produce they can find at any given moment. I have four things delivered now: Italian sparkling water, 365 brand sharp cheddar, eggs, and butter.

by Anonymousreply 293November 25, 2020 9:13 PM

I’m the deli counter whose ticket system is broken. It’s now complete anarchy over by me because there’s no system for serving customers without that machine.

(BTW, I broke the machine. I love the drama by me!)

by Anonymousreply 294November 25, 2020 10:10 PM

I ordered curbside pickup from Whole Foods once ... and they gave me cilantro instead of Italian parsley.

by Anonymousreply 295November 25, 2020 10:32 PM

I'm the old lady paying in cash, counting out her bills on the counter. Then counting out her change. The line behind her just grows and grows.

by Anonymousreply 296November 25, 2020 10:49 PM

I’m the clerk who is utterly dumbfounded as to why you would give me $31.10 when the order totals $26.10. I try to give you your single back since $30 is more than enough.

by Anonymousreply 297November 25, 2020 11:00 PM

Because I want a $5 bill back, not four $1 bills.

by Anonymousreply 298November 25, 2020 11:18 PM

I'm r296's change purse.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 299November 25, 2020 11:31 PM

I’m Blanche Devereaux, who met a fruit waxer masquerading as a lawyer in Season 6.

by Anonymousreply 300November 25, 2020 11:31 PM

Bless your heart, r298.

by Anonymousreply 301November 25, 2020 11:43 PM

Just deal with it, R301. You're the fucking cashier. Don't over think it.

by Anonymousreply 302November 25, 2020 11:47 PM

[quote] You're the fucking cashier. Don't over think it.

Yeah, um, excuse me, but thinking is not in my job description and the Union says I ain’t have to.

by Anonymousreply 303November 26, 2020 12:31 AM

I'm the items with faster approaching expiration dates pushed to the front of the shelves in front of items with later expiration dates. Everyone knows this, especially for bread and milk, and make a mess digging behind for later expiring items.

by Anonymousreply 304November 26, 2020 1:45 AM

We're Grocery Outlet and Big Lots where all of those expired products find a home.

by Anonymousreply 305November 26, 2020 2:35 AM

I’m the Karen at the customer service desk insisting that I bought this meat only yesterday, in spite of the fact the date on it says Oct. 26, and it’s gone rancid already! I demand a refund.

by Anonymousreply 306November 26, 2020 12:28 PM

I'm the store circular advertising upcoming sales my front page headline is You Can't Beat Our Meat.

by Anonymousreply 307November 26, 2020 1:00 PM

I'm the health nut with nothing but produce in her cart, silently judging the other shoppers' poor food choices.

by Anonymousreply 308April 22, 2021 2:44 AM

^^This is me!

by Anonymousreply 309April 22, 2021 3:10 AM

I'm the end-cap display of inexpensive, local wine. I'm here because New Year's Eve is approaching. I have a couple of unobtrusive clip strips on each side containing condoms that are ribbed for her pleasure. Most shoppers don't notice but those who do either chuckle to themselves or get pissed because how will they explain this if little Madysin notices?

by Anonymousreply 310April 22, 2021 5:26 AM

I'm the state of CT where you can only buy beer in grocery stores. Wine and liquor are not allowed to be sold anywhere except liquor stores. No alcohol sales at all in convenience stores.

by Anonymousreply 311April 22, 2021 5:43 AM

This what we're programmed to do.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 312April 22, 2021 5:53 AM

Hi. I'm Karen. I'd like 2 lbs of ground beef. Wait, you gave me 1.99 lbs. I'd like to speak to a manager..NOW!

by Anonymousreply 313April 22, 2021 5:55 AM

I'm the unfriendly cashier here at my register. The self checkouts are busier than I am because the regular customers avoid me.

by Anonymousreply 314April 22, 2021 5:57 AM

I'm the "how many bags" at the self checkout. You type "0" but take as many bags as you need anyway. You just spent almost $200 at this store and you're not going to pay for bags. Fuck that shit.

by Anonymousreply 315April 22, 2021 6:03 AM

I'm the guy buying tons of booze and a packet of chips.

by Anonymousreply 316April 22, 2021 8:36 PM

I'm the Saran Wrap over the checkout keypad. I haven't been changed since the beginning of the pandemic. I've been incubating the next coronavirus super-strain for months now. I'll infect the the hapless cashier who finally removes me when the world decides "all clear" and ultimately make him patient zero for next pandemic.

by Anonymousreply 317April 22, 2021 8:50 PM

I'm a stimulus debit card. Really helps when buying groceries!

by Anonymousreply 318April 22, 2021 8:58 PM

I'm the ID required for buying alcohol even though Helen Keller could tell that you are old enough that you could have a 21 year-old kid.

by Anonymousreply 319April 22, 2021 9:06 PM

R319, if they scan it, it's so they can prove you bought alcohol that day if you get into an accident later that same day.

by Anonymousreply 320April 22, 2021 11:13 PM

I’m a bipolar shopper at my local grocery store. 9 out of 10 times it’s all healthy. Then it’s all ice cream, cake, deli foods.

by Anonymousreply 321April 24, 2021 12:05 AM

I'm the missing pasta or noodle shape that you want to buy that is never there when you need it. Don't worry, there's always shitloads of "rice vermicelli" and "cartwheel" pasta to take my place!

by Anonymousreply 322April 24, 2021 12:27 AM

And only grease fire wishes to fucking "cartwheel" pasta.

by Anonymousreply 323April 25, 2021 1:43 AM

I'm the flies attaching themselves to your person to hitch a ride outside. The produce is so disgustingly over ripe that we all agreed to go back to dog shit!

by Anonymousreply 324October 20, 2021 2:14 AM

I'm the shopper buying all organic fruits and vegetables and avoiding those environmentally unfriendly plastic bags from the produce department because they are destroying the environment.

I put my raw greens and fruits directly into the shopping cart, even on the seat where the previous shopper Kaitlyn had baby Madysin sitting just minutes before (shitty diaper and all). I place all my raw produce directly onto the filthy rubber conveyor belt covered in suspicious foul liquids where it is handled by the checker who has not washed her hands for hours despite the repeating tape playing over the store's PA system *ding dong ding dong, It is now the top of the hour, all employees wash your hands*. The bagger then also handles the produce with filthy unwashed hands and I go home to enjoy the health benefits of my raw vegan diet.

by Anonymousreply 325October 22, 2021 12:33 AM

GOOD LORD! 325 replies in less than one day. You bitches sure know your grocery shopping.

Fine. I'll be an Instacart Shopper and have the thread delivered to me.

by Anonymousreply 326October 22, 2021 12:39 AM

Is r326 posting from October 22, 2020?

by Anonymousreply 327October 22, 2021 12:42 AM

I'm the idiot who spends minutes with the freezer door open deciding what I want. Because glass is so fucking hard to see through.

by Anonymousreply 328October 22, 2021 12:51 AM

R327 - Yes, that's right bitch. Kneel before my time travel capabilities.

by Anonymousreply 329October 22, 2021 12:54 AM

I’m the sign in the window that says “Homo. Milk”, and I used to be a sweetly-clueless abbreviation. But since a Millennial took over as store manager, I’m just calculating bait for Instagram influencers. Please post me.

by Anonymousreply 330October 22, 2021 5:12 AM

I'm the "Buy One, Get One Free" deals that slowly became "Buy One, Get One 1/2 Off" and that are now becoming "Buy One, Get One 40% Off"

by Anonymousreply 331October 23, 2021 10:48 AM

^ I am the bastard half brother of BOGO... Buy TWO, get one FREE. There is never more than two of me on a shelf.

by Anonymousreply 332October 23, 2021 1:27 PM

I'm the plump brown roach that hides in the produce bin and gets a ride home from you...

by Anonymousreply 333October 23, 2021 1:41 PM

R333 - This is why I refuse to eat fresh produce.

by Anonymousreply 334October 23, 2021 1:47 PM
Loading
Need more help? Click Here.

Yes indeed, we too use "cookies." Take a look at our privacy/terms or if you just want to see the damn site without all this bureaucratic nonsense, click ACCEPT. Otherwise, you'll just have to find some other site for your pointless bitchery needs.

×

Become a contributor - post when you want with no ads!