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Let's be the supermarket!

I'm the grating voice on the loud speaker announcing "MEAT DEPARTMENT YOU HAVE A CALL PARKED ON LINE 3."

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by Anonymousreply 289Last Saturday at 10:09 AM

I’m the idiot straight guy who thinks it would be hilarious to fart into the store’s microphone.

by Anonymousreply 110/21/2020

I'm the entire family of fatasses moving at a glacial pace and blocking the aisle.

by Anonymousreply 210/21/2020

I'm the frau with forty-six different coupons. As the bored high school student rings me out, I stare intently at the register totals and interrupt after every item. "But the sign said those were buy one, get one free." Inevitably, a manager will be called at some point during my transaction.

Everyone behind me in line despises me.

by Anonymousreply 310/21/2020

I am Dorothy Kilgallen. I would know nothing about this thread.

by Anonymousreply 410/21/2020

I'm the red weirdo

by Anonymousreply 510/21/2020

I'm the pervert in aisle four hanging looking for a kid to snatch.

by Anonymousreply 610/21/2020

whaay

by Anonymousreply 710/21/2020

I'm the white-gloved Hollywood movie star and young mother.

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by Anonymousreply 810/21/2020

I'm the customers who swap the discount stickers from the old meat to pricey cuts of meat, thinking we won't notice.

We always notice, and catching you gives us life.

by Anonymousreply 910/21/2020

I’m the incessant reminder to someone to “Close the loading dock door!” on the loudspeaker at DC’s Soviet Safeway.

by Anonymousreply 1010/21/2020

I'm the clean-up in aisle 6.

by Anonymousreply 1110/21/2020

I'm the chopped up pieces of sausage with toothpicks in them on a table near the deli counter.

When you try one, the Frau handing them out looks pissed that you didn't buy a whole sausage.

by Anonymousreply 1210/21/2020

I'm the special needs kid bagging the groceries.

by Anonymousreply 1310/21/2020

to pass the time, i actually do a running funny (for me at least) commentary out loud on the speaker announcement! laugh...

by Anonymousreply 1410/21/2020

I’m the Muzak.

by Anonymousreply 1510/21/2020

R9

Ditto with the organic vs. regular fruit

by Anonymousreply 1610/21/2020

I'm the self-checkout, which is really multiple registers being run by one cashier who has to assist almost every customer.

by Anonymousreply 1710/21/2020

I'm the automated voice at the self-checkout reminding you to "place your item in the bagging area."

by Anonymousreply 1810/21/2020

I’m the wonky wheel on the cart. Y’all hate me, but I do nothing but laugh all day because your fat asses won’t go back out and pick a different cart.

by Anonymousreply 1910/21/2020

i'm the cashier on their feet the entire time and who also have to bag the groceries because the actual bagger only 1 at a time has to monitor multiple conveyer belts..

by Anonymousreply 2010/21/2020

You people are calling in from 1975. Muzak?

by Anonymousreply 2110/21/2020

I’m all the products with older sell-by-dates, pushed right up front, hoping to be picked first.

by Anonymousreply 2210/21/2020

I'm the annoying voice on the self check-out register that says "Unexpected item in bagging area" after every scan.

by Anonymousreply 2310/21/2020

I'm that toddler that you hear incessantly crying the entire time you're in the store.

by Anonymousreply 2410/21/2020

I'm one of the multiple white haired women shopping on Friday afternoon because I've done this for 50 years. Its not like I don't do anything all day long. 👵

I also pay with a check.

by Anonymousreply 2510/21/2020

I am the voice in the self check out register, glad I caught another dirtball like R23 trying to get out of the store without paying for shit.

Job security.

by Anonymousreply 2610/21/2020

I'm...Elaine

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by Anonymousreply 2710/21/2020

[quote]I’m the incessant reminder to someone to “Close the loading dock door!” on the loudspeaker at DC’s Soviet Safeway.

Is that the 17th Street Soviet Safeway or the Cleveland Park Soviet Safeway?

by Anonymousreply 2810/21/2020

^ at 6:08

by Anonymousreply 2910/21/2020

I’m the 17 year old forced to work the bakery counter since Myra called in sick and, no, I don’t give a shit if I spelled Bralynn’s name wrong on his birthday cake.

by Anonymousreply 3010/21/2020

I'm the frau in training wearing yoga pants who is loading five bags of broccoli into her shopping cart.

by Anonymousreply 3110/21/2020

I'm the fraus with no concept whatsoever that other people exist. The end of this aisle is the perfect place for our chat.

by Anonymousreply 3210/21/2020

I'm Karen ready to give r29 hell because he gave Bralynn a peanut butter cookie when I specifically asked for chocolate chip! YOU IDIOT SHE HAS A SEVERE PEANUT ALLERGY, SHE COULD DIE!! WHERE THE HELL IS MYRA? SHE KNOWS BETTER THAN TO GIVE OUT PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES.

by Anonymousreply 3310/21/2020

I'm sorry, I'm Karen giving r29 hell.

by Anonymousreply 3410/21/2020

R30, dammit.

by Anonymousreply 3510/21/2020

R28, that’s the 17th and Corcoran Safeway, comrade.

by Anonymousreply 3610/21/2020

I am the arrows on the floor during the pandemic that no one pays attention to.

by Anonymousreply 3710/21/2020

I'm the guy with one item in his hand standing in line behind a person with an overflowing shopping cart despite the self-checkout and 15 items or less stations that are 10 feet away.

by Anonymousreply 3810/21/2020

I am soft lighting, lack of weird supermarket smell, and pleasant atmosphere.

by Anonymousreply 3910/21/2020

I'm the lazy bum who leaves his cart in an empty parking spot.

by Anonymousreply 4010/21/2020

I am never r38.

by Anonymousreply 4110/21/2020

I'm the passive aggressive signs reminding customers to somehow stay 6 ft. apart in jam packed store.

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by Anonymousreply 4210/21/2020

I'm the coin counter machine. I take 20 percent. I used to be the job of banks!

by Anonymousreply 4310/21/2020

I am that cool edgy alternative hit song playlist from 1992 that is now playing as background music on the sound system. At first you go, oh this is cool they're playing good music in this store... then you realize... gurl, you old.

by Anonymousreply 4410/21/2020

I'm the straight guy on the phone with my frau wife. She asked me to stop on my way home from work. I need to bring home baking powder and cilantro and I have no idea where to find them, let alone what they are.

by Anonymousreply 4510/21/2020

r27 at proper time....sorry.

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by Anonymousreply 4610/21/2020

I’m the PA system, telling Fernando to clean up “wet breakage” in aisle four.

by Anonymousreply 4710/21/2020

I'm the E.coli and Campylobactor jejuni bacteria juice on the checkout conveyer belt.

by Anonymousreply 4810/21/2020

I'm the quick return you need to make at the customer service desk, that should take one minute, but you're stuck behind the gambling addict who's buying their lottery tickets.

by Anonymousreply 4910/21/2020

[quote]When you try one, the Frau handing them out looks pissed that you didn't buy a whole sausage.

I'm the Frau's husband, playing with his whole sausage in the men's room while trying to catch a glimpse of the hot bag boys.

by Anonymousreply 5010/21/2020

I'm Bralynn and I managed the fastest transition in history between R30 and R33.

by Anonymousreply 5110/21/2020

Now I want a thread, "Let's be Bralynn and his/her mom Karen at the Supermarket"

by Anonymousreply 5210/21/2020

I'm the fat whore who keeps circling back, again and again, to the free sample stations. I'm trying to be discreet about it but it's obvious the employees manning those stations know my game.

by Anonymousreply 5310/21/2020

I am...

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by Anonymousreply 5410/21/2020

I'm the people at the back of the check-out line who go rushing to the front of the line when a clerk opens up a new check-out line. Why can't the clerk say, "the NEXT person in line can come over here"?

by Anonymousreply 5510/21/2020

How are you today? You doing good? I am the hot chicken server. If I recognize you as a regular I sift thru the chicken for the best, biggest, juiciest breast. If I do not recognize you I give you the easiest one to get to.

by Anonymousreply 5610/21/2020

I’m Karen. No, I WILL NOT WEAR A FUCKING MASK, AND NONE OF YOU SHEEPLE WILL MAKE ME! THIS USED TO BE A FREE COUNTRY BEFORE THE COMMIE KENYAN TOOK OVER!!! OW! LET ME GO! I’LL SUE!

MAGA!

by Anonymousreply 5710/21/2020

I'm Karen. I brought all four of my kids and my husband with me. My husband could have stayed home with the kids, but we thought a trip to the store would be quality time. It's not my fault that my kids knocked over that display of boxes; the store should have made it more sturdy. Also, it's the store's fault my kids are pumped up; they must have eaten a few dozen pieces of candy from the bulk food section. How dare the store tempt kids with candy that's so easy to reach. Now we're at the check-out line, and I'm letting my kids scan and bag the items...and swipe the credit card to pay. Sure, it takes twice as long, but isn't it cute? Please back up a few feet; I've live-streaming this on Facebook.

by Anonymousreply 5810/21/2020

I'm the third world immigrant family straight off the boat. Mom, dad, grandma, grandpa, four kids and what could possibly be three cousins. Every item in the store is taken off the shelf and thoroughly inspected by the entire family before a decision is made about purchasing it.

by Anonymousreply 5910/21/2020

I am the incredibly rude family with obnoxious children who loudly DEMAND to eat crisps/bicscuits/cream cakes RIGHT NOW.

The packages shall be opened and the little nightmares will stuff their faces like there is no tomorrow, but we won't pay for what the kids have eaten: empty packages will be not-so-discreetly discarded before we reach the checkout, and we will aggressively stare at anyone who dares to look at us disapprovingly.

If an employee asks us to pay for what the children have eaten, we will make a huge scene and indignantly proclaim our innocence... All the while, the £1.50 package of doughnuts is crumpled a mere five feet away from where we're standing.

by Anonymousreply 6010/21/2020

I’m the melting frozen dinner taken from the freezer and then abandoned on a shelf in the beverage aisle. I’ll go unnoticed for weeks.

by Anonymousreply 6110/21/2020

I'm the empty condom boxes lying on the shelves. And also the empty sudafed boxes. Someone is making meth and getting laid.

by Anonymousreply 6210/21/2020

I'm Jeffrey Toobin, killing time by jerking my cock in the "Cookies and Crackers" aisle.

by Anonymousreply 6310/21/2020

I'm diet soda. You'll rarely see skinny people put me in their carts, usually just the fatties. They somehow think I will make them lose weight.

by Anonymousreply 6410/21/2020

I'm the married men cruising in the produce section.

by Anonymousreply 6510/21/2020

I'm the large cucumber.

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by Anonymousreply 6610/21/2020

I'm this book, [italic]The Secret Life of Groceries[/italic] , by Benjamin Lorr.

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by Anonymousreply 6710/21/2020

I'm this book, [italic]The Secret Life of Groceries[/italic] , by Benjamin Lorr.

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by Anonymousreply 6810/21/2020

R68; your twin brother was just here.

by Anonymousreply 6910/21/2020

I’m the electric scooters on its last legs thanks to the fatties who take advantage of me.

by Anonymousreply 7010/21/2020

I'm your local Chicagoland Butera. I smell like mop water that's been used in the meat and produce sections.

by Anonymousreply 7110/21/2020

I'm the 1975 supermarket playlist. Enjoy!

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by Anonymousreply 7210/21/2020

I'm a cunt who doesn't say "excuse me" and just pushes my cart directly into other people to get them to move.

by Anonymousreply 7310/21/2020

I am the motorbike being rided by the fatass.

by Anonymousreply 7410/21/2020

I am Karen's hairstyle

by Anonymousreply 7510/21/2020

I'm the ironically snobby older gentleman working the checkout counter.

by Anonymousreply 7610/21/2020

I’m “Raven 2 years” the MTF trans checkout clerk who isn’t quite there yet. My long, beautiful hair is sewn into my (store mandated) baseball cap. My makeup, to put it kindly, is still a work in progress and I always need a manicure.

That said, I keep those checkout lines moving!

by Anonymousreply 7710/22/2020

I'm the abandoned cart in Aisle 11. I contain strawberry creme wafer cookies, Café Bustelo instant coffee, and a store ad from last week.

by Anonymousreply 7810/22/2020

i'm the persons who NEVER EVER EVER say "excuse" me when they literally walk right in front of me a foot away (you know never that whole pandemic thing going on) and/or who stop in front of me blocking my view of a product, or who almost lean over me without saying anything to get to what they want....and the person who can't wait their turn when asking a employee a question while they are already helping me with a question and they blurt out their question and needs..

by Anonymousreply 7910/22/2020

I'm the palpable stench letting you know there's a fish counter somewhere near...Or Cheryl.

by Anonymousreply 8010/22/2020

I am the stooped over, ancient, old white lady - I am paying with a check that I am very slowly taking out of my purse. This will take all day.

by Anonymousreply 8110/22/2020

I am the toilet paper aisle. Soon I will be ransacked by fraus who refuse to wear a mask - but are terrified wave 2 of COVID will give their families explosive shits!

by Anonymousreply 8210/22/2020

[quote]I am the motorbike being rided by the fatass.

That requires more than the customary "oh, dear."

OMFG!

by Anonymousreply 8310/22/2020

I'm the grocery store public restrooms. After several unfortunate incidents involving a previously regular customer getting caught masturbating in the restroom out in the open in the nude (whilst filming for his XTube channel, no less), both the male and female bathrooms are now locked and are only able to be unlocked by a manager at their discretion. The only people who ask to use the bathrooms now are homeless people with backpacks who end up taking bird baths in the restroom.

by Anonymousreply 8410/22/2020

I'm the xl jar of silver balls by a brand you've never heard of. I'm on the shelf in an independent Turk run grocery store in the Bay Area. You are tempted to buy me because grandma's xmas cookies call for me, and I'm banned in chain supermarkets and handsome Ahmet always has his kids in the store and seems like a nice guy so he wouldn't sell poison, would he?

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by Anonymousreply 8510/22/2020

I’m r84’s masturbator.

Sorry to have ruined it for you. My bad.

by Anonymousreply 8610/22/2020

I’m the salad bar. I’m filled disposable face masks labeled “$5.99 each — Special!”, hand sanitizer in tiny bottles, and toilet paper that looks like a familiar brand but only from far away. I still have full bins of individually-wrapped forks and spoons. Where’d all my friends and the tarragon chicken salad go?

by Anonymousreply 8710/22/2020

[quote] I'm the self-checkout, which is really multiple registers being run by one cashier who has to assist almost every customer.

I'm the one cashier who is supposed to be manning the self-checkouts, but I am nowhere to be found, even as the self-checkouts are failing, leaving customers stranded while the automated voice keeps repeating that "Help is on the way."

by Anonymousreply 8810/22/2020

r88 Help is usually gossiping with other help about their boyfriends, their weekends, and "this bitch in the Lysol aisle."

by Anonymousreply 8910/22/2020

I am the angry clerk with the tattooed face, currently on work release, sponsored by a local church. I like to silently scowl at the customers, leaving them thoroughly intimidated. Please support my efforts to assimilate back into society, motherfuckers.

by Anonymousreply 9010/22/2020

I'm Naomi Harper.

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by Anonymousreply 9110/22/2020

[quote] Where’d all my friends and the tarragon chicken salad go?

You and he don’t get along?

I’m the basin of lettuce and I thought we were all friends.

by Anonymousreply 9210/22/2020

I am the deli clerk who wants to know your whole order upfront, then proceeds to ask you to repeat it as she fills the order.

by Anonymousreply 9310/22/2020

I’m the thin tiny plastic bags for you to store your fruit and vegetables while shopping. I’m a bitch to open and I’m honored to make you feel stupid as you stand there for 10 minutes trying.

by Anonymousreply 9410/22/2020

I am the deli "salads" which consist of leftover toppings from yesterday's salad bar tossed in mayonnaise.

The elderly ladies love me- so much variety!

by Anonymousreply 9510/22/2020

I’m the deli clerk, Wanda, from R93. I’ve been in this town my entire life, work 60 hours a week and all I want is my smoke break. I don’t care about your order even though this hat makes me look professional.

by Anonymousreply 9610/22/2020

I’m the toilet pap—

I’m gone.

by Anonymousreply 9710/22/2020

I'm non-Iodized mined table salt. A very inexpensive beauty secret for your bath. Just add a drop or two of the essential oil that matches your need.

by Anonymousreply 9810/22/2020

I'm the number you still have to take even though there is only one other person at the deli counter who already seems to be finished.

by Anonymousreply 9910/22/2020

I'm the person you're stuck behind at the deli counter who's ordering enough for an army. This is going to take awhile.

by Anonymousreply 10010/22/2020

I'm the hipster couple taking way too long to locate an ingredient.

by Anonymousreply 10110/22/2020

I'm the ORGANIC aisle, an aisle that contains foods that upper-middle class white people believe has magical properties and will prevent every disease known to humanity and make them live to be 112.

by Anonymousreply 10210/22/2020

I'm cat milk.

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by Anonymousreply 10310/22/2020

I'm the back-to-school sale on knives.

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by Anonymousreply 10410/22/2020

I'm today's special in the meat department.

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by Anonymousreply 10510/22/2020

I'm Honey-Nut Cheerios -- now in the new Chrissy Metz-Size box.

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by Anonymousreply 10610/22/2020

I'm the faggots.

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by Anonymousreply 10710/22/2020

I'm Walter White, artisanal baker.

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by Anonymousreply 10810/22/2020

I’m that smell near the meat counter.

by Anonymousreply 10910/22/2020

I'm the crunchy granola black, brown and other people that also shop in aisle R102.

by Anonymousreply 11010/22/2020

I'm the drunk in the snack aisle. Your whole family is out to be executed!

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by Anonymousreply 11110/22/2020

I'm the frau eating a birthday cake in the toilet stall. Re: R111 "The owner of the store has treated me to cake. You haven't been told?"

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by Anonymousreply 11210/23/2020

I’m the stupid state liquor laws which don’t allow teenage cashiers (the vast majority in the store) to even touch wine and beer long enough to ring it up, necessitating a call to the manager every time they come through the line. This quadruples the duration of your “quick” trip, especially when everyone else seems to be buying booze too.

by Anonymousreply 11310/23/2020

I'm the lobster tank.

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by Anonymousreply 11410/23/2020

I'm the little mini cart filled with bags of groceries you see your senior citizen neighbors pushing from their detached garage to their front door after they return from the supermarket. You smile and giggle to yourself as you picture them in the market parking lot throwing the cart into their van and driving out the lot all shifty eyed and shit.

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by Anonymousreply 11510/23/2020

I'm the message over the intercom:

"CLEAN UP ON AISLE THIRTEEN - AGAIN!!"

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by Anonymousreply 11610/23/2020

I'm the 250 pound women in yoga pants who always complains she can't lose weight. My cart is loaded with hoe-hoes, ding-dongs, chips, ice-cream. I will also buy one head of iceburg lettuce which I plan to eat at every meal this week to jump start my weight loss. Also, a 32 oz. bottle of ranch dressing.

by Anonymousreply 11710/23/2020

I'm the cleaning aisle. I provide bleach after you have viewed r116

by Anonymousreply 11810/23/2020

I'm an Indian migrant 'slipping' on a rogue grape in the fruit department and I'm going to sue!

by Anonymousreply 11910/23/2020

I'm the 'ANUSOL' entry that will come up on the self-check out screen.

by Anonymousreply 12010/23/2020

I'm the Cultural Revolution-era Chinese woman in the dairy section. I recently moved in with my son, who is a professor of physics at the nearby state university. I have five separate egg cartons opened. I am inspecting each carton, removing the largest eggs, and putting them in the carton that I will ultimately purchase.

by Anonymousreply 12110/23/2020

I am the bakery department, full of sloppily decorated quarter sheet cakes with lumpy blue roses and scraggly leaves. Some kid has pushed against the cellophane box top and squished all the roses he can reach. There is a table piled with boxes of seasonal cupcakes with lurid dollops of colored frosting and sprinkles on top. The same kid squished all the cupcakes against the plastic containers.

by Anonymousreply 12210/23/2020

I’m the International Foods aisle where you’ll find guava paste, oyster sauce and matzo.

by Anonymousreply 12310/23/2020

I am the kid from R122. My home life is a catastrophe, and I'm just acting out.

by Anonymousreply 12410/23/2020

I'm the evil checkout clerk who shouts "I need a price check on Trojans - Extra Small" into the loudspeaker when her ex-boyfriend comes through.

by Anonymousreply 12510/23/2020

I'm the yuppie taking a business call on the ear device who you think is talking to himself or you, at first.

by Anonymousreply 12610/23/2020

I'm the nametag. Tanner - 1 Year. Brandon - 2 Years. Marge - 23 Years.

by Anonymousreply 12710/23/2020

I'm the gigantic potato latkes at the kosher counter. I'm right next to the knishes.

by Anonymousreply 12810/23/2020

I'm the announcement containing the secret code word for "Security Alert! Someone is stealing Spam on Aisle 2"

by Anonymousreply 12910/23/2020

I'm R117, coming back again, because I realized I forgot the generic 3-litre sodas...they're on sale for 99 cents!

by Anonymousreply 13010/23/2020

I’m the Employee of the Month wall near the bathrooms which share a hallway with the break room. My photos are faded and haven’t been updated in 5 years.

by Anonymousreply 13110/23/2020

I'm myself when some sour faced older woman asked me to get something for her on the top shelf. She couldn't reach it. I hand it to her good naturedly, but she ignores me when she takes it from me, and does NOT say thanks. When she turns her back, I take it out her cart and put it on the shelf again!

by Anonymousreply 13210/23/2020

I'm the sad middle-aged customer who is often mistaken for a clerk by other customers. They apologize when I tell them I don't work here, but in my mind, I am murdering them.

by Anonymousreply 13310/23/2020

I’m duck sauce. I hope I’m in r123 because why the FUCK would you put me with salad dressing?

by Anonymousreply 13410/23/2020

I'm the conveyor belt at checkout coated with mystery fluids.

by Anonymousreply 13510/23/2020

I'm the unwashed grape that your mother samples.

by Anonymousreply 13610/23/2020

I’m scowling at the defiant anti-masker bitch who I’ve avoided all over the store only to have her jump into the shortest line. And, making matters even more enraging, it’s the line with the HOT cashier named Owen who I love to flirt with.

by Anonymousreply 13710/23/2020

I'm the two supermarkets in town - the one where white people shop, and the one where white people USED to shop.

by Anonymousreply 13810/23/2020

I'm me when I was 17 collecting carriages in all weather in my Doc Martens, khakis, cheap Walmart white shirt and ugly tie, wallet chain and new ear piercings, thinking I looked cool. Meeting kids from other towns for the first time, hanging out in their cars after work drinking iced lattes and smoking.

by Anonymousreply 13910/23/2020

I'm everything in this 1980 Grocery Store Training Video.

Keep a lookout at the 1:30 mark for a possible POO SHOES sighting.

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by Anonymousreply 14010/23/2020

I'm the drunk middle-aged queen buying a single large cucumber at 4 AM on a Saturday night at the all night supermarket.

by Anonymousreply 14110/23/2020

I’m the young Latina mother of four in line ahead of you. I’ll be paying for a cartload of milk, juice, bread and formula using a bunch of WIC checks. Lo siento señor, but this will require several separate, torturously slow transactions. By the time I’m through, you will have had some shockingly sexist, snobbish and racist thoughts.

by Anonymousreply 14210/23/2020

We’re the four stoners in a semi-circle around the Entenmann’s display at midnight.

Everything looks good. We’re paralyzed by so many choices.

by Anonymousreply 14310/23/2020

[quote]By the time I’m through, you will have had some shockingly sexist, snobbish and racist thoughts.

"Stop having kids, you stupid puta! We're tired of supporting you with our tax dollars!"

by Anonymousreply 14410/23/2020

Hi, this is Rose. I’m just wondering why the guy at r141 is only buying one cucumber. That won’t make a whole salad. Um, ok, bye.

by Anonymousreply 14510/23/2020

I'm the person who takes your cart by mistake.

by Anonymousreply 14610/23/2020

R141 Enjoy your salad.

by Anonymousreply 14710/23/2020

Ooh an olive bar!

by Anonymousreply 14810/23/2020

I'm the manager's office where I used to suck off my very hot daddy general manager once or twice a week.

by Anonymousreply 14910/23/2020

I'm the whole 14lb Cumberland Gap ham that just fell to the floor from under the Mumu is some morbidly obese woman in the check-out who was only buying a pack of Dentyne.

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by Anonymousreply 15010/23/2020

Omg Frick’s ham steak!

by Anonymousreply 15110/23/2020

I am the super huge bodybuilder in spandex walking down the aisle hunched over my cart that is filled to the top with meat and eggs and showing off my gargantuan ass that looks like two beach balls fighting for space.

by Anonymousreply 15210/23/2020

I’m the grody restrooms that everybody takes a dump in.

by Anonymousreply 15310/23/2020

Interesting that all of those markets listed at the end of R140's video have long since gone out of business (I think). Guess that training didn't really do the trick now, did it?

by Anonymousreply 15410/23/2020

I'm the rib eye steak tucked up tight inside Babs Johnson's own little oven. She's the filthiest person in this supermarket!

by Anonymousreply 15510/23/2020

I'm the security staff who just can't understand why we catch no shop lifters. The numbers don't lie, so we know it's happening. Ah! There goes the store Manager again carrying yet another huge box of donations for the poor. GREAT GUY!

by Anonymousreply 15610/23/2020

I'm the box of holiday themed napkins in the clearance aisle.

by Anonymousreply 15710/23/2020

I'm the "Day Old" bakery items which are actually over a week old.

by Anonymousreply 15810/23/2020

We didn’t say what day.

by Anonymousreply 15910/23/2020

I'm the DLer that takes a banana, peels it, eats it and then disposes of the banana peel before he leaves the supermarket.

by Anonymousreply 16010/23/2020

I'm the kid who works in the store, sitting in my car on break eating Doritos and drinking a Red Bull.

by Anonymousreply 16110/23/2020

I’m the coin operated mechanical horse ride out front.

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by Anonymousreply 16210/23/2020

I'm the claw-crane game machine in the entranceway. Amazingly, you see people playing me sometimes.

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by Anonymousreply 16310/23/2020

I'm the little plastic toys, fake tattoo stickers and gumballs and candy inside the coin-operated machines next to the claw crane. We might have been trapped in here since the 1980's.

by Anonymousreply 16410/23/2020

I'm the community bulletin board above the coin operated machines. Need cleaning services, babysitting, lawn care or junk removal? How about a lawyer? Electrolysis?

by Anonymousreply 16510/23/2020

I'm the announcement at 8:55pm that you have five minutes to bring beer to the checkout before alcohol sales stop for the night. Wine and hard liquor are not allowed to be sold here, just beer.

by Anonymousreply 16610/23/2020

I’m the tabloids in the checkout aisle. I’ve been reporting on Hillary’s alien baby and Queen Elizabeth’s sad last days for over two decades. You’ll buy me anyway.

by Anonymousreply 16710/23/2020

I'm the buckets of carnations.

by Anonymousreply 16810/23/2020

I'm the celebrities on all the magazine covers at the checkout. You don't know who half of them are. And you really don't care.

by Anonymousreply 16910/23/2020

I'm the shelf upon shelf of pita bread. No one wants me, but I'm always there waiting, hoping that someone will take pity on me and place me in their cart.

by Anonymousreply 17010/23/2020

I'm the slot machines in the little room off the entrance to every supermarket in Nevada.

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by Anonymousreply 17110/23/2020

Hi, I'm Meaghan your over eager cashier! I hope you found everything okay! Would you like this bag of Reese's Pieces left out or do you want me to bag it? I'd like to remind you that you are only 12 points away from getting 10 cents off a gallon of gas! Would you like help out with your bags? Thank you for shopping here, come again!

by Anonymousreply 17210/24/2020

I’m the “charity” that you’re asked to donate to at checkout.

by Anonymousreply 17310/24/2020

I’m the asshole who parks in the fire zone because I’m just running in for a minute, in spite of the fact the store just opened so the parking lot is virtually empty and there’s 5 spots within 10 feet.

I’m an entitled dick.

by Anonymousreply 17410/24/2020

I'm the canned vegetables and fruit that used to take up a large part of the store, and are now are lonely and neglected in a small section of a middle aisle.

by Anonymousreply 17510/24/2020

R134. I’m the iceberg lettuce and LaChoy chow mein noodles that will be smothered with duck sauce in order to make the “Asian salad” on page 42 of the spiral bound “Cooking with Christ” cookbook from the Women’s Guild of the Paducah, Kentucky Full Faith Bible Baptist Church.

by Anonymousreply 17610/24/2020

I'm the now 60-somethings who have known each other since grade school running into each other, loudly stating, "______? Is that you? Oh my god, how aaaaaare you?!"

Couples, single, widowed, etc. They're mostly fat and old now, and the one thing they have in common is they've never left this town. How long has it been? In most cases not long enough as most of these people hate each other but are now forced to play friendly next to the ground beef isle. Their individual small town secrets could set the place on fire!

by Anonymousreply 17710/24/2020

I'm the crazy guy next to you in the self-checkout, arguing with the automated voice:

"Please scan the next item"

"I haven't scanned the FIRST item, YET!"

Please remove the last item from the bag and scan it"

"OH, HEEEEELL NO! YOU TRYNA SAY I STOLE SUMPTHIN???"

"Please wait for assistance from the cashier - Help is on the way"

"IF ANYBODY NEEDS HELP, IT'S **YOU, BITCH!!**"

by Anonymousreply 17810/24/2020

We are the power ballads by Air Supply and Journey that replaced Muzak around 1992. We will be interspersed with a small selection of 1960s oldies, mainly Motown and The Beach Boys, some of the least psychedelic Beatles songs, and occasionally “Downtown” by Petula Clark. Once the 20-year nostalgia cycle hits disco, “The Hustle” will enter the mix despite the manager’s misgivings.

by Anonymousreply 17910/24/2020

I’m the 78 year old man getting arrested after being stabbed in the parking lot by my transgender girlfriend.

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by Anonymousreply 18010/24/2020

I'm the alcoholics racing to get their booze five minutes before alcohol sales are stopped for the night.

by Anonymousreply 18110/24/2020

[quote] I'm the canned vegetables and fruit that used to take up a large part of the store, and are now are lonely and neglected in a small section of a middle aisle.

We are the fresh, organic vegetables who took their place. And to think that for years you made fun of the “hippie dippy“ store on the other side of town for doing the same thing three decades earlier!

by Anonymousreply 18210/24/2020

I'm the customer who probably has hyperthyroidism and definitely has the resulting crazy, mean attitude and eyes to match. I insist on using six store coupons even though the limit is three per customer. Don't you even think about challenging me.

by Anonymousreply 18310/24/2020

I'm Wanda the 63 year old deli clerk. I've been here since 1978 and everyone in town knows me and I know their orders by heart. If you dont see me you can hear my cough from a mile away. I just cut my hours to part time, but still take smoke breaks every 45 minutes like clock work. I drive the old Toyota Camry parked close to the front of the store. Normally employees have to park what seems like a mile away, but the store manager lets me park closer to the store. I knew that kid when he was a 15 year old bag boy.

by Anonymousreply 18410/24/2020

I’m the vinyl coin purse pulled out the old man’s Sansabelt pants. It will take 4 minutes to extract exact change from me.

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by Anonymousreply 18510/24/2020

I'm the self-serve lottery ticket vending machine next to the Coinstar. I've cut down on service counter lottery ticket purchases a little, but not as much as you'd think.

by Anonymousreply 18610/24/2020

I am the litany of poorly-written People [italic]Maga[/italic]zine ripoffs all covering the same basic bitches every goddamn week.

by Anonymousreply 18710/24/2020

I'm the store brand, often just as good the "real thing" and considerably cheaper or at least totally acceptable because you don't care that much about the item you're buying. But, all of you have varying specific items for which I am just not good enough.

by Anonymousreply 18810/24/2020

I'm the weird little man who tries to use Milky Way Ice Cream Bar coupons to pay for regular MW candy bars, and other coupons to pay for other similar but lesser-priced items. When told I can't do that, I sheepishly say with a smile, "I was trying to make a profit," and walk out of the store.

by Anonymousreply 18910/24/2020

I’m a fat, pregnant Mexican woman buying ice cream, cake, cola, and cookies for her for equally fat children and her fifth one who is sure to be just as fat. In spite of this, I still feel like wearing tight black leggings in public.

by Anonymousreply 19010/24/2020

Four

by Anonymousreply 19110/24/2020

[quote]We are the fresh, organic vegetables who took their place. And to think that for years you made fun of the “hippie dippy“ store on the other side of town for doing the same thing three decades earlier!

We're fresh vegetables that have always been in supermarket who realize it's frozen vegetables that have taken the place of canned, not us.

by Anonymousreply 19210/24/2020

I’m r193 and I found r184’s story really cool and nostalgic for some reason.

I know, I know...MARY!!

by Anonymousreply 19310/24/2020

I'm genderfluid and nonbinary.

by Anonymousreply 19410/24/2020

I’m part of the stock team and I’m seemingly here at all hours. Ma’am, I don’t care if you need to get down this aisle, I gotta unload these boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch!

by Anonymousreply 19510/24/2020

I’m r195’s U-boat full of Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a bunch of other shit. I’m conveniently parked diagonally across the aisle to ensure no paying customer can get down the aisle. If they squeeze past—or worse, move me—r195 will give them the stink eye for me.

by Anonymousreply 19610/24/2020

I'm the theme from "Mission Impossible," and some people actually play me in their heads as they zig-zag , bob n weave, and jump hurdles just to get some grocery shopping done at what's known as the Wal-Mart Super Center!

by Anonymousreply 19710/24/2020

I'm the small display of "Free fruit. One piece per child." Nobody will touch me.

by Anonymousreply 19810/24/2020

I am the exact item you drove to the store for.

I am out of stock.

There is no more in the back.

I might be back in stock on Thursday of next week.

by Anonymousreply 19910/24/2020

I’m all the other shit r199 will pick up anyway because, “hey, I’m here already.”

by Anonymousreply 20010/24/2020

We're Madysyn and Jaydyn, touching all the produce with our snot-encrusted hands.

by Anonymousreply 20110/24/2020

I’m the meat counter in an ethnic market. You have to visit me to find the necessary items to make proper broth or stock. I also feature tripe and brains.

by Anonymousreply 20210/24/2020

We're the spices in clear bags for 99 cents per bag, in the Mexican foods, "Hispanic foods" or "Ethnic foods" aisle.

We're also available in glass jars for $7.49 each, in the regular spices section of the baking aisle, if you prefer.

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by Anonymousreply 20310/24/2020

I'm the valid coupons you find from time to time laying in front of some of the products on your shopping list. I make you think "It's so great that my store has a coupon fairy."

by Anonymousreply 20410/24/2020

I’m the Instacart shoppers clogging up the narrow aisles with their gigantic wagons for people who can’t be arsed to shop for themselves.

by Anonymousreply 20510/24/2020

I’m the 16 year old babysitter of Madysyn and Jaydyn from R201. I’m really excited about my new license so I packed the girls in my dad’s truck just to buy some flamin hot Cheetos and swipe this Maybelline mascara.

by Anonymousreply 20610/24/2020

I’m pre-packaged “supermarket sushi!” I just started getting stocked a few years ago in a chilled contained at the end of the isle near the fish. Aren’t I exotic? You get chopsticks, packets of soy sauce and little plastic grad things, all in a plastic pouch. Adorable! I taste absolutely terrible.

I’d go for my vegan veggie rolls or California rolls if I were you. Or you can get the salmon sashimi one IF YOU DARE

by Anonymousreply 20710/24/2020

*container

by Anonymousreply 20810/24/2020

I’m a quarter you need to get a shopping crate at ALDI. I have been the subject of numerous bitchy posts on Datalounge.

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by Anonymousreply 20910/24/2020

[quote]"It's so great that my store has a coupon fairy."

You should see the HABA manager. Talk about fairy.

by Anonymousreply 21010/24/2020

[quote] at the end of the isle near the fish.

Well, yes, you are exotic if you came from an isle.

Now, if you’re in an aisle in a grocery store, not so much.

by Anonymousreply 21110/24/2020

Isn’t Lesbos the fish isle?

by Anonymousreply 21210/24/2020

I’m too scared to look.

by Anonymousreply 21310/24/2020

I made so many typos on that sushi post LOL!

It’s an ode to 50-something queens like me occasionally trying to post on DL using their iPhones, without reading glasses. Hopeless!

Ho1,&:8hg!!

by Anonymousreply 21410/24/2020

I love ya anyway, r214!

by Anonymousreply 21510/24/2020

I am the boxes of matzah labeled “not kosher for Passover.” I am growing concerned that no one will ever buy me, even after the inevitable markdown. I am so so jealous of the box of bite-size cracker-style matzahs with the Everything Bagel seasoning. That little tarted-up hussy.

by Anonymousreply 21610/24/2020

I'm the three all purpose gag cards in the tiny stationery section. We date from the 90s, we're yellowed and dingy, and we offer more wit than R190's heavy and humorless racist snark, dating from the 70s.

by Anonymousreply 21710/24/2020

In the old men selling Memorial Day poppies for the VFW. Were as old as the WWII vets were in 1993.

by Anonymousreply 21810/24/2020

Yes r218 it's somehow strange that Vietnam vets are geriatric now. I don't know why.

The WWII vets are pretty much gone.

by Anonymousreply 21910/24/2020

R219: "it's somehow strange that Vietnam vets are geriatric now. I don't know why."

Could it be the half-century since they were in Vietnam?

by Anonymousreply 22010/25/2020

R152!..... sounds good, REALLY GOOD AND HOT to me! lol!...

by Anonymousreply 22110/25/2020

I’m that guy from a sex party you forgot about. I call out “hi, remember me?! We, um, ‘met’ at Kevin’s place last summer...” loudly from the next checkout line with those audible quotes around “met.” May you should respond before I clarify further.

by Anonymousreply 22210/25/2020

R222 Awkward!

by Anonymousreply 22310/25/2020

I'm the overweight frau in her mid-50s. I'm not fat enough for a scooter, but as I meander up and down the aisles I learn forward and put all my weight on the cart.

by Anonymousreply 22410/31/2020

OP I just found this thread and I LOVE IT! Thank you!

by Anonymousreply 22510/31/2020

You're welcome r225 :-)

by Anonymousreply 22610/31/2020

"Special today: In our meat department: Meat!"

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by Anonymousreply 22710/31/2020

I'm a box of Wheat Thins, and I miss Sandy Duncan.

by Anonymousreply 22810/31/2020

I'm Geoffrey Owens. Remember me? I played Sondra's husband on "The Cosby Show." I work here now. Please don't ask me about Bill.

by Anonymousreply 22910/31/2020

I'm the "ethnic foods" section, and I'm basically just made up of taco shells, taco seasoning, and one expired box of instant pad thai.

by Anonymousreply 23010/31/2020

I'm the gentle mist in the produce section.

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by Anonymousreply 23110/31/2020

I'm Kathy Bates.

I'm older and I have more insurance.

by Anonymousreply 23210/31/2020

"I'm a box of Wheat Thins, and I miss Sandy Duncan. "

We're all of your relatively young tarted-up siblings in a variety of flavors. Because the world needs tomato and basil wheat thins.

by Anonymousreply 23310/31/2020

[quote] I'm the "ethnic foods" section, and I'm basically just made up of taco shells, taco seasoning, and one expired box of instant pad thai.

And duck sauce.

by Anonymousreply 23410/31/2020

It's just sort of weird that this (OP) literally happened to me this morning... it was so loud, so grating... and the meat department. And now I log into DL and this is the 3rd post on my feed? Hmmm.... Coincidence? I think not.

by Anonymousreply 23510/31/2020

R231 Not post-COVID! At least in all the grocery stores I frequent. Dry as a bone.

I'd be curious to know if other DL-ers have had the mist turned off in their produce sections of their grocery stores, after COVID?

by Anonymousreply 23610/31/2020

r235 I always feel like the employees making those announcements try to sound as unhappy-with-their-jobs as possible. Either that, or having to make the announcement is the greatest inconvenience of their year.

by Anonymousreply 23710/31/2020

Good riddance R236. I never understood the over-use of this weird gimmick.

*P-s-s-s-t-t!* "Oh look! It's turning on!"

What, are we in Las Vegas?

by Anonymousreply 23810/31/2020

R236 I hate that thing! How many of you have I been inadvertently showered by this while trying to pick something out? Everything sopping wet. Even soaking plastic bags of kale and collard greens. What?

It's largely unnecessary. Some leafy greens might benefit from misting, but most proper fresh produce shouldn't need it. In fact it probably promotes rot, and as you pointed out isn't exactly sanitary.

by Anonymousreply 23910/31/2020

I’ll let you know tomorrow, r236.

Seriously, I have to stop at the store where I’ll check and hopefully get more fodder for this thread.

by Anonymousreply 24010/31/2020

I love this thread - thank you, OP!!

by Anonymousreply 24110/31/2020

You're welcome, r241!!

by Anonymousreply 24210/31/2020

I'm the cart lobby - also home to Boy Scouts selling wreaths, Salvation Army kettles, Veterans selling poppies, Girl Scout cookie sales, addiction centers selling candy bars. You can't avoid me.

by Anonymousreply 24310/31/2020

I'm the Frau for whom the packaged sushi that R207 mocks is the highlight of my week.

I get it every Wednesday for lunch and wolf down all that synthetic crab and rice and green wasabi paste in my cubicle at work.

My diet starts tomorrow.

by Anonymousreply 24410/31/2020

I’m r244’s work chair.

You don’t want to be anywhere near me on Thursday.

by Anonymousreply 24510/31/2020

[quote]I'm the cart lobby - also home to Boy Scouts selling wreaths, Salvation Army kettles, Veterans selling poppies, Girl Scout cookie sales, addiction centers selling candy bars. You can't avoid me.

You must be somewhere that has inclement weather. In California, those things are always outside the store.

by Anonymousreply 24610/31/2020

I thought r244 was about to say eat all the green plastic garnish.

by Anonymousreply 24710/31/2020

I'm the following conversation that occurred recently between me and a checker:

CHECKER (ringing up my purchase of a 12-pack of Coke Zero® and a small bag of frozen peas): Would you like some help out to your car with that?

ME: No, that's okay. I have a forklift waiting outside, because my car's on the other side of the lot and I may not make it.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

I'm the free floor show provided by customers who are drunk, deluded, or mentally disabled. One evening I was standing in line at my neighborhood Vons, and the lady in front of me tried to buy a tube of toothpaste or something with one of those multimillion "checks" sent out to everyone from the Publisher's Clearing House. She wanted the remainder of the check in cash.

She was very politely told that the "check" was, in fact, no good, but she became insistent. The manager was called over. He listened to her for about a minute, then took the check and ripped it into little pieces. Apparently, the lady had been coming in several times a day to try and get her "check" cashed, and the manager finally got fed up with it.

by Anonymousreply 24810/31/2020

R248 Regarding your first comment: You sound like a douche. The clerk is numb at that point and only repeating what she/he has been saying all day. Aren't you the clever cunt...

by Anonymousreply 24910/31/2020

r249 If the clerk is that immune to what is going on before her very eyes, then she has my sympathy, but one should have the ability to ascertain whether help is actually needed. I guess perception isn't among your skills?

by Anonymousreply 25010/31/2020

I'M THE (AND YES THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO!) who had to put up with this young woman who 1) stood in the middle of the aisle on her cell phone and when i asked her twice "excuse me" just kept on talking, didn't move a inch, so i had to go around her as best as i could... then 2) a few moments later i'm first in line, no one behind him, waiting for the cashier to call out and say next, i see this same young woman, about 15 feet away picking up candy and then she walks past me and says "i was in line!" and then 3) she walks up and down past the check out lanes trying to get someone to wait on her, when the cashiers were checking others out and she wasn't even called!......

the idea that as a older gentleman she would differ to me never remotely crossed her mind and of course i'm too much of a manners wimp to have done anything about it! ..

by Anonymousreply 25111/01/2020

I’m the box of store brand fish sticks with a hot pink “Special! 50% off!!” sticker, and a package design that’s different from all the boxes behind me with no sticker. Try me!

by Anonymousreply 25211/01/2020

R251, I would have rammed her cart with my cart. That is the only way they will learn.

by Anonymousreply 25311/01/2020

Like r253, I have no compunction about bumping a cart out of my way. It doesn't happen that often, as I always use a small cart, and I always say "excuse me," but yeah, I'll bump if I have to.

by Anonymousreply 25411/01/2020

I am the person that leaves their cart in the middle of the aisle at an angle thus blocking the aisle. I realize this as you are approaching. I move my cart to the side as I say sorry. We end up repeating this same routine in two other aisles before we leave. I just do not understand why you are grumpy.

by Anonymousreply 25511/01/2020

R253 and R254..i forgot to mention she didn't even HAVE a cart! she literally had junkfood in her hands, (not even in a basket, since baskets are banned in the store)...it would be different if she herself had a cart when she didn't move when she was on her phone and i said excuse me twice, it would be different if she had a cart and at the front of the line and then stepped away a few feet away to pick up that junk food in her hands and then put it in her cart! how is someone in line when they don't have a cart and walk away from the line????????!!!!!!!!

pure stupidity or trash or both?

by Anonymousreply 25611/01/2020

I'm the large Diet Coke display that you have to pass before entering the chip aisle.

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by Anonymousreply 25711/01/2020

I am the asshole who gets on line at the checkout and disappears to get more groceries several times.

by Anonymousreply 25811/01/2020

That maneuver doesn't bother me so much, r258. I usually end up going in front of that asshole.

by Anonymousreply 25911/01/2020

[quote] of course i'm too much of a manners wimp to have done anything about it!

R251 You are NOT a manners wimp. You are a gentleman who was treated poorly by a thoughtless bitch. Some other bitch will take her out later in the day, probably her own daughter.

by Anonymousreply 26011/01/2020

R258 I'm the guy who pushes your cart out of line while you go chasing the Chips Ahoy you now craved. If I'm with a friend, one of us pushes your cart to middle of Aisle 3 and abandons it there.

by Anonymousreply 26111/01/2020

Forgetting one item is reasonable, but getting off the line and having your shopping cart as a place marker multiple times means you are not done shopping. There is this woman who shops at the Trader Joe's on 14th Street in NYC and she tried this with me leaving her basket to mark her place, and when she left the third time I kicked it far into the adjoining aisle. She started a fuss when she returned and it was missing. I told her to finish her shopping and then get on the line and stop asking privileged and disrespectful to those waiting their turn patiently. She gave me the finger and tried to get back on line, and this large black woman behind me told her she will be wearing the basket as a hat if she cuts in ahead of her.

by Anonymousreply 26211/01/2020

I'm the cunt who buys 2 croissants at the bakery, eats them both while shopping, and throws away the bag before I check out.

by Anonymousreply 26311/01/2020

Une voyage a lá supermarchete!

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by Anonymousreply 26411/01/2020

Pardonnez-moi!

by Anonymousreply 26511/01/2020

I am the selfish jerk who is fourth in line at the register but when another register opens up I rush over to be first.

by Anonymousreply 26611/02/2020

I'm the mega-supermarket that includes a Supercuts, a DQ, a nail salon, and a failing yogurt place.

My 'fresh' produce hasn't been replaced in a week.

by Anonymousreply 26711/02/2020

[quote] didn't move a inch,

[quote]the idea that as a older gentleman she would differ to me never remotely crossed her mind

Maybe she knew you didn’t know articles or what the word defer means and didn’t think you were worth her time.

by Anonymousreply 26811/02/2020

[quote] I'm the cunt who buys 2 croissants at the bakery, eats them both while shopping, and throws away the bag before I check out.

R263, what the hell is wrong with this? If the person bought them when should they eat them so it’ll please you?

by Anonymousreply 26911/02/2020

R269 Bad me. I didn't explain correctly. I "chose" them at the bakery, they were bagged at the bakery, to be purchased later at checkout. I ate them while doing the rest of my shopping and threw away the bag and bill before hitting the checkout.

by Anonymousreply 27011/02/2020

Ah, I gotchu, r270.

And just to stay with the theme of the thread:

I’m the muck and filth on the credit card reader at the self-help lane.

by Anonymousreply 27111/02/2020

I’m r272, and I promised r236 a report.

The misters were off.

by Anonymousreply 27211/02/2020

R266

I hope you get 1000 likes for this.

by Anonymousreply 27311/02/2020

[quote] I'm a box of Wheat Thins, and I miss Sandy Duncan.

I’m Sandy Duncan, and I’m still alive, bitch! I wasn’t the one who died. That was Valerie Harper.

by Anonymousreply 27411/02/2020

R266, I notice some stores, the person manning the existing checkout or the new checkout will specify who is supposed to come to the new line first.

by Anonymousreply 27511/02/2020

[quote]I’m Sandy Duncan, and I’m still alive, bitch! I wasn’t the one who died.

No, but your career did.

When was that last time they asked you to do a commercial?

by Anonymousreply 27611/02/2020

I'm the huge French supermarket in Jean-Luc Godard's 1972 film TOUT VA BIEN. Look, it's Jane Fonda!

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by Anonymousreply 27711/02/2020

I'm the stack of Apartment Guides sitting directly at the exit.

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by Anonymousreply 27811/03/2020

I'm the person that doesn't shut up. I stand at the checkout, yapping my ass off even after I've paid for all my items. I don't know how lines work and have no consideration for anyone but myself. Do you have things to do? Tough. I haven't finished talking about something invariably trivial yet.

by Anonymousreply 27911/03/2020

I'm the packager of Double Stuf Oreos resting on the lowest shelf of the candy and gum rack at the checkout.

I was tossed into the cart by a scampish seven-year-old whose mother was distracting and texting one of the other fraus from yoga class. She does not want to buy me and does not want to bother to tell the cashier to put me back.

But the cashier saw her put me down here and is giving her the stink eye for the rest of the transaction.

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by Anonymousreply 280Last Friday at 6:07 AM

[ugh, excuse typos at r280]

by Anonymousreply 281Last Friday at 6:10 AM

I'm Sophia Petrillo. I'm looking for a nice ripe nectarine.

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by Anonymousreply 282Last Friday at 6:58 AM

I'm the woman who stops in the middle of the aisle. Not to look at the merchandise mind you, but just to chat with Midge, who is a minor acquaintance.

Our carts completely block the aisle, but that's OK because what I am saying to Midge is so fucking important. Why, I haven't seen her since I saw her at the beauty parlor two days ago. Let's take 15 minutes to catch up.

Also, I am a doctor's wife, so I don't work and therefore don't understand the concept of other people being busy.

by Anonymousreply 283Last Friday at 8:36 AM

I'm the person in the aisle behind Midge, telling both of you to move your fat asses, stat.

The doc's wife doesn't like this but can't claim she doesn't know what it means.

by Anonymousreply 284Last Saturday at 2:35 AM

I went to the grocery store this morning at 6 am. I thought the special hour from 6 to 7 am for the lame and the halt and the over-60's was a thing of the past but no: the elderly and I were streaming in at the crack of not-quite-yet-dawn again.

But unlike before, they had everything I wanted except Valencia oranges and the kind of Arm and Hammer deodorant I like. No matter, Target will. But all the other stuff, even 70% rubbing alcohol, was there: the square boxes of Kleenex, Bounty paper towels, the high-line toilet paper - you name it, they had it, and I only had ten things on my list, supplemented by two 12 packs of Bounty and six six-packs of Supreme tp. Plus plenty of open checkout lanes, so I was out of there by 6:15.

by Anonymousreply 285Last Saturday at 3:07 AM

R285 has NO idea how to do a let’s be thread.

by Anonymousreply 286Last Saturday at 3:29 AM

Nor gives a shit about your snark...

by Anonymousreply 287Last Saturday at 5:20 AM

I'm the lesbian night manager. I just loaded 20 cartons of toilet paper the trunk of my Subaru outback. We have a 1 carton per customer rule, but that doesn't apply to lesbian night managers, does it. It's not hoarding if you have IBS. Also, I have IBS.

by Anonymousreply 288Last Saturday at 5:59 AM

(I think of this thread every time I go to the grocery.)

by Anonymousreply 289Last Saturday at 10:09 AM
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