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Let's be the Real Housewives of the Oval Office

I'm Barbara Bush, centre diamond, of course. All these women will hate me by the end of the first season, and I'll be fired by the end of the second because nobody will work with me anymore.

by Anonymousreply 107Last Tuesday at 1:56 PM

Secret Service for the glory holes?

by Anonymousreply 110/15/2020

"You'll either love me or hate me; there is no in between with me."

by Anonymousreply 210/15/2020

I'm Betty Ford. I spend my first season getting wasted in every episode. I go to rehab in between seasons, and return a judgmental teetotaler and alienate the rest of the cast.

by Anonymousreply 310/15/2020

I'm, I'm, uh..................... I'm Pat Nixon............. I think.

by Anonymousreply 410/15/2020

The moon is in Sagittarius, so I must be Nancy Reagan. Oh, fuck, Ronny, you're drooling again.

by Anonymousreply 510/15/2020

Thank god Rosalynn Carter is a good woman, because goddamn she can’t dress at all! I’m ashamed to be seen with her sometimes, I’m gonna be honest. I get a headache talking about Rosalynn’s clothes. Do you have an Excedrin or a Tylenol?

by Anonymousreply 610/15/2020

I'm Nancy's cock-sucking past, which is the talk of the town and is rumoured to have been put in "the blogs" by Bar.

by Anonymousreply 710/15/2020

I'm the main cast of the first two seasons of Barbara, Nancy, Rosalynn, Betty and Pat. Karen: you will never hold a diamond!

by Anonymousreply 810/15/2020

Karen Pence is the Kim G. of the Oval Office Housewives.

by Anonymousreply 910/15/2020

I may not be a queen ... but my name rhymes with it!

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by Anonymousreply 1010/15/2020

If you can't stand one's heat, get out of one's kitchen!

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by Anonymousreply 1110/15/2020

When you look this good, who needs foundation undergarments?

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by Anonymousreply 1210/15/2020

I'm Mary Todd and Melania, the new blood on the scene after Betty and Ba-ba were fired.

by Anonymousreply 1310/15/2020

And I'm also Baba's return at a later date, which coincides with Laura Bush joining the show. I terrorize Laura for at least five seasons.

by Anonymousreply 1410/15/2020

I'm Jane Wyman. I'm the first wife and a lady, and was the first lady of my big nighttime show that ran for the length of my first husband's presidency. I may not have given the fabulous dinner parties or been tempted to steal the china when it was all over, but I had the satisfaction of knowing that my ex-husband preferred the wine they made in the Tuscany Valley. He didn't know it was a fictional place.

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by Anonymousreply 1510/15/2020

I’m Hillary and I need to know where that cat is...

by Anonymousreply 1610/15/2020

I'm Michelle. I'm the first African-American Real Housewife of the Oval Office.

Whenever I make the smallest mistake, Barbara tells everyone else that I'm "ghetto" or "hood." At least that's what Laura tells me.

Melania doesn't think my husband was born in the United States, but won't say it to my face.

by Anonymousreply 1710/15/2020

I'm Melania and that old beetch Bar Bush keeps telling me to go wash my poosey. It's stinking up the place .

by Anonymousreply 1810/15/2020

I'm Nancy Davis Reagan , which of You bitches keeps stealing my cucumber From my bedside table .

by Anonymousreply 1910/15/2020

I'm Nancy Reagan calling Barbara Bush on speaker phone to discuss...

Barbara's horrible pussy odor

"Barbara, let's face it - your stank pussy is the reason George threw up on the Japanese Prime Minister!"

"I couldn't invite you for lunch to discuss this for obvious reasons..."

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by Anonymousreply 20Last Friday at 12:44 AM

I'm Pat, fired after the fourth season because I keep forgetting to show up to filming. Michelle is my replacement, to my horror.

I'm also Baba and Nancy, the last remaining original cast-members who can't decide if they hate each other more than they hate Melania, Laura and Michelle. They are united on one thing: nobody wants that cunt Hilary on the show!

by Anonymousreply 21Last Friday at 6:18 AM

I'm Hillary's senatorial spinoff.

by Anonymousreply 22Last Friday at 6:23 AM

It got ugly at the reunion when Nancy called George Bush a wimp and Barbara lunged at her. Betty Ford tried to restrain Bar and got shoved back into the couch for her troubles.

by Anonymousreply 23Last Friday at 6:24 AM

Don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my cankles!

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by Anonymousreply 24Last Friday at 6:26 AM

I'm the lesbian rumors about Eleanor Roosevelt that Lou Hoover spreads behind her back.

by Anonymousreply 25Last Friday at 6:28 AM

What mincing little queen should host the reunion show ?

by Anonymousreply 26Last Friday at 6:30 AM

When they go low ... I have a skillet of hot grease on speed dial!

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by Anonymousreply 27Last Friday at 6:31 AM

[quote]What mincing little queen should host the reunion show ?

Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA)

by Anonymousreply 28Last Friday at 6:32 AM

So nasty and so rude!

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by Anonymousreply 29Last Friday at 6:33 AM

Hillary’s friendship with Melania was ruined when she called her husband a “a damn bitch who gets into women’s business” to his face at Nancy’s charity benefit.

by Anonymousreply 30Last Friday at 6:34 AM

Speak softly ... and carry a sharp hatpin!

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by Anonymousreply 31Last Friday at 6:35 AM

That scene in the back of the limo when Betty Ford screamed “YOU STOLE MY GODDAMNED HOUSE” at Rosalynn is ICONIC.

by Anonymousreply 32Last Friday at 6:38 AM

"You're [italic]both[/italic] white trash, quite frankly."

by Anonymousreply 33Last Friday at 6:43 AM

"They sent a [bold]FAMILY VAAAAAAAAAAN[/bold]!!!"

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by Anonymousreply 34Last Friday at 6:46 AM

I'm the Cindy Barshop!

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by Anonymousreply 35Last Friday at 6:56 AM

Old Lady Gang? There's a NEW gurl in town!

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by Anonymousreply 36Last Friday at 7:06 AM

NOT WELL, BITCH

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by Anonymousreply 37Last Friday at 7:42 AM

I am one of the many beloved veterans of stage, screen and TV who play first ladies in the TV mini-series "Back Stairs to the White House". We are all giggling about poor Cloris Leachman who is stuck playing a housekeeper that nobody likes. Even though she presented me with my Oscar, I can't help but giggle.

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by Anonymousreply 38Last Friday at 7:49 AM

Eileen, dear, that's "Back Stairs AT the White House". We are not looking for the way Eleanor's mistresses got in!

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by Anonymousreply 39Last Friday at 7:51 AM

"I can tell you when she will die and what will happen to her family. I love that about me."

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by Anonymousreply 40Last Friday at 7:55 AM

Yeah, Mamie, I got with your man—what of it?

by Anonymousreply 41Last Friday at 8:00 AM

Bonnets WILL be snatched tonight!

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by Anonymousreply 42Last Friday at 8:09 AM

Mooney kent buy yoo kless, mah frindz

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by Anonymousreply 43Last Friday at 8:18 AM

R42 That looks like George in drag!

by Anonymousreply 44Last Friday at 8:18 AM

"Vot am I, chopped liver?" - Ivana trump: Novelist, Proud Mother, and One and Only Real Virst Letty 45.

Am Best!

by Anonymousreply 45Last Friday at 8:19 AM

R45 Martha's hair in R42 looks better than your rats nest!

by Anonymousreply 46Last Friday at 8:22 AM

"See? Am best!"

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by Anonymousreply 47Last Friday at 8:23 AM

I em zee coorant Vairst Letty. I show poossee for late night TV. Is good, yes?

by Anonymousreply 48Last Friday at 8:27 AM

I repeat postings from uzzer people, but like green jecket say about cheeldrens in metal boxes: I no caring, is you?

by Anonymousreply 49Last Friday at 8:31 AM

Ivana in R47 looks like a giant blood clot.

by Anonymousreply 50Last Friday at 8:32 AM

I'm the Leeanne Locken!

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by Anonymousreply 51Last Friday at 8:57 AM

"Behind every man in a drooling, semi-vegetative state due to a massive stroke is a power-drunk woman!"

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by Anonymousreply 52Last Friday at 9:11 AM

I'm the main cast of Barbara, Nancy, Laura, Michelle and Melania. We are collectively outraged by these new bitches Martha, Edith and Hilary. Rumor has it Barbara and Nancy think Edith is "pernicious".

by Anonymousreply 53Last Friday at 9:16 AM

Also, you're still not getting a diamond heffer! r35

by Anonymousreply 54Last Friday at 9:17 AM

When I'm behind the wheel, get the HELL outta my way!

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by Anonymousreply 55Last Friday at 9:19 AM

Barbara will insist on making duck stuffed with oatmeal.

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by Anonymousreply 56Last Friday at 9:22 AM

I'm Rosalynn and Pat, thinking about writing a book about our time on the show - if only Pat could remember her name!

by Anonymousreply 57Last Friday at 9:23 AM

If yew cain't say somethin' nice ... GO PLANT A TREE!

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by Anonymousreply 58Last Friday at 9:46 AM

I'm Bess Truman, and I fucked off to Independence before filming started. Andy Cohen can take my contract and stick it up his puckered poohole!

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by Anonymousreply 59Last Friday at 9:56 AM

R58 wins my love

by Anonymousreply 60Last Friday at 9:56 AM

It's ironic that I typed in "Ugliest first lady of the U.S.", and there were three rows of pictures of Melania.

by Anonymousreply 61Last Friday at 9:58 AM

I'm the Tres Amigas! WOO-HOO!

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by Anonymousreply 62Last Friday at 10:02 AM

I'm the PROSTI-TOOSHEN HOOOOORE!

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by Anonymousreply 63Last Friday at 10:04 AM

THAT'S NOT MY DOILY, YOU FUCKING BITCH!

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by Anonymousreply 64Last Friday at 10:07 AM

You're an insignificant arse hair.

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by Anonymousreply 65Last Friday at 10:11 AM

"Who gon' check me, boo?"

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by Anonymousreply 66Last Friday at 10:20 AM

Ah'm Miz Lillian, and Ah fell in the pool after a few too many nips of "nerve medicine."

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by Anonymousreply 67Last Friday at 10:24 AM

I'm Marian Robinson, and Miz Lillian seems to be laboring under the assumption that I'm her home health aide.

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by Anonymousreply 68Last Friday at 10:27 AM

I'm Martha Jefferson. I love my husband because he plays the violin. He's also very nice to our slaves.

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by Anonymousreply 69Last Friday at 10:28 AM

Ahem...

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by Anonymousreply 70Last Friday at 11:57 AM

I'm all of the first ladies giggling except Hillary about how the oval office was changed to the oral office during Bill's term.

by Anonymousreply 71Last Friday at 12:01 PM

:'(

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by Anonymousreply 72Last Friday at 12:30 PM

I'm Melania, and everybody is sick of my shit. I'm fired and replaced by the certifiable Mary Todd, who makes Baba, Laura and Nancy look sane. Michelle and Hilary are keeping their distance.

Edith and Abigail stopped showing up to filming because it was desegregated.

by Anonymousreply 73Last Friday at 12:36 PM

I'm Ladybird Johnson and I always do it nice!

by Anonymousreply 74Last Friday at 12:37 PM

I'm the wag in production who typed a chyron for tonight's WWHL special guest reading "Monica Lewinsky, Oval Orifice."

by Anonymousreply 75Last Friday at 12:42 PM

I'm the Watch What Crappens parody featuring a soused Betty Ford trying to follow Lou Hoover's mangled sign language.

by Anonymousreply 76Last Friday at 12:47 PM

I'm the three strand pearl choker that was Barb's signature look. You could find copies of me in the "Barbara Bush Collection" by Kenneth Lane on QVC

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by Anonymousreply 77Last Friday at 12:48 PM

Lemme tell youse about my fambly!

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by Anonymousreply 78Last Friday at 1:04 PM

That frigid sow called me a SLUT PIG!

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by Anonymousreply 79Last Friday at 1:29 PM

I’m Laura Bush, storming off the reunion set when Melania’s nudes are brought up.

by Anonymousreply 80Last Friday at 1:35 PM

You're such a fucking liar, Melania!

by Anonymousreply 81Last Friday at 1:36 PM

You don’t know if your baby daddy will be an ax murderer or a child molester. What you WILL know is that he needed $10 to get him a medium-size pizza, so he ejaculated in a cup so you could have a kid. Now check THAT!

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by Anonymousreply 82Last Friday at 1:42 PM

I am a VERY. RICH. BITCH.

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by Anonymousreply 83Last Friday at 1:47 PM

[bold]YOU ARE A DUMB HOE[/bold]

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by Anonymousreply 84Last Friday at 1:49 PM

Yoo-hoo! Do you girls mind if I sit and dish a bit? I brought a bottle of Bailey's.

by Anonymousreply 85Last Friday at 1:57 PM

Close your legs to married men!

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by Anonymousreply 86Last Friday at 1:58 PM

Don't be tardy for the party!

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by Anonymousreply 87Last Friday at 2:01 PM

I’m Mrs Kennedy in a bind. Should the complimentary Air Force One cigarettes be Salems or Marlboros?

by Anonymousreply 88Last Friday at 2:03 PM

OH NO YOU DIDN'T!

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by Anonymousreply 89Last Friday at 2:10 PM

Damn, Rosalynn Carter has some ugly kids

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by Anonymousreply 90Last Friday at 2:16 PM

I’m the broken wineglass thrown by Nancy Reagan in Amsterdam at Betty Ford when Betty drunkenly snarled “let’s talk about the husband” at Nancy.

Pat Nixon fled through a side door after the fight , in tears.

by Anonymousreply 91Last Friday at 2:27 PM

I’m Melania’s Lyme Disease. It’s why she doesn’t do any work.

by Anonymousreply 92Last Friday at 2:29 PM

[bold]BYE WIG[/bold]

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by Anonymousreply 93Last Friday at 2:32 PM

"Did you know? $25,000."

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by Anonymousreply 94Last Friday at 3:13 PM

Be cool. Don't be all, like... uncool.

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by Anonymousreply 95Last Friday at 3:15 PM

"I’m still here, and I’m still fabulous. Fabulous. Gone with the Wind fabulous."

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by Anonymousreply 96Last Friday at 3:26 PM

"I'm up here, you're down there."

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by Anonymousreply 97Last Friday at 3:35 PM

Geez, Mrs. Taft at R95 looks like a seriously depressed influencer taking a choker selfie.

by Anonymousreply 98Last Friday at 3:38 PM

I'm Frances Cleveland, and I'm making an appearance because I know that the DL resident Frances Cleveland troll would like to see me!

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by Anonymousreply 99Last Friday at 3:48 PM

^ Honey, she STAYS doped up on paregoric.

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by Anonymousreply 100Last Friday at 3:48 PM

I'm Mary Todd.

I'll blow your mind.

by Anonymousreply 101Last Friday at 3:53 PM

I'm the low-key scandal when it's learned that Jackie and Gianni Agnelli are spending a lot of time together in Italy. I'm also jaws dropping to the floor all over DC when she sends a military plane back to Washington to retrieve her diaphram!

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by Anonymousreply 102Last Friday at 3:56 PM

Fuck you, Dolley Medeson!

I don kare if you risked your life seving that pikture of George Washing from the burnin Whit Hous

I'm teking that fuckin' pikture wit me when I leef this plece...

Even if I heff to walk out with it squezed betwin my butt chicks

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by Anonymousreply 103Last Friday at 4:36 PM

You haf to make the millins to owe the millins.

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by Anonymousreply 104Last Saturday at 2:12 PM

I'm Billary Clinton. I was almost first lady.

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by Anonymousreply 105Last Tuesday at 11:48 AM

Say vat u vant, Im still Cuntess

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by Anonymousreply 106Last Tuesday at 12:02 PM

"Oh! You're Melania Trump! The morally corrupt Melania Trump! I saw your nude photos on the internet!"

by Anonymousreply 107Last Tuesday at 1:56 PM
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