Let's be the Real Housewives of the Oval Office

Secret Service for the glory holes?

"You'll either love me or hate me; there is no in between with me."

I'm Betty Ford. I spend my first season getting wasted in every episode. I go to rehab in between seasons, and return a judgmental teetotaler and alienate the rest of the cast.

I'm, I'm, uh..................... I'm Pat Nixon............. I think.

The moon is in Sagittarius, so I must be Nancy Reagan. Oh, fuck, Ronny, you're drooling again.

Thank god Rosalynn Carter is a good woman, because goddamn she can’t dress at all! I’m ashamed to be seen with her sometimes, I’m gonna be honest. I get a headache talking about Rosalynn’s clothes. Do you have an Excedrin or a Tylenol?

I'm Nancy's cock-sucking past, which is the talk of the town and is rumoured to have been put in "the blogs" by Bar.

I'm the main cast of the first two seasons of Barbara, Nancy, Rosalynn, Betty and Pat. Karen: you will never hold a diamond!

Karen Pence is the Kim G. of the Oval Office Housewives.

I may not be a queen ... but my name rhymes with it!

If you can't stand one's heat, get out of one's kitchen!

When you look this good, who needs foundation undergarments?

I'm Mary Todd and Melania, the new blood on the scene after Betty and Ba-ba were fired.

And I'm also Baba's return at a later date, which coincides with Laura Bush joining the show. I terrorize Laura for at least five seasons.

I'm Jane Wyman. I'm the first wife and a lady, and was the first lady of my big nighttime show that ran for the length of my first husband's presidency. I may not have given the fabulous dinner parties or been tempted to steal the china when it was all over, but I had the satisfaction of knowing that my ex-husband preferred the wine they made in the Tuscany Valley. He didn't know it was a fictional place.

I’m Hillary and I need to know where that cat is...

I'm Michelle. I'm the first African-American Real Housewife of the Oval Office.

Whenever I make the smallest mistake, Barbara tells everyone else that I'm "ghetto" or "hood." At least that's what Laura tells me.

Melania doesn't think my husband was born in the United States, but won't say it to my face.

I'm Melania and that old beetch Bar Bush keeps telling me to go wash my poosey. It's stinking up the place .

I'm Nancy Davis Reagan , which of You bitches keeps stealing my cucumber From my bedside table .

I'm Nancy Reagan calling Barbara Bush on speaker phone to discuss...

Barbara's horrible pussy odor

"Barbara, let's face it - your stank pussy is the reason George threw up on the Japanese Prime Minister!"

"I couldn't invite you for lunch to discuss this for obvious reasons..."

I'm Pat, fired after the fourth season because I keep forgetting to show up to filming. Michelle is my replacement, to my horror.

I'm also Baba and Nancy, the last remaining original cast-members who can't decide if they hate each other more than they hate Melania, Laura and Michelle. They are united on one thing: nobody wants that cunt Hilary on the show!

I'm Hillary's senatorial spinoff.

It got ugly at the reunion when Nancy called George Bush a wimp and Barbara lunged at her. Betty Ford tried to restrain Bar and got shoved back into the couch for her troubles.

Don't judge me until you've walked a mile in my cankles!

I'm the lesbian rumors about Eleanor Roosevelt that Lou Hoover spreads behind her back.

What mincing little queen should host the reunion show ?

When they go low ... I have a skillet of hot grease on speed dial!

[quote]What mincing little queen should host the reunion show ?

Sen. John Kennedy (R-LA)

So nasty and so rude!

Hillary’s friendship with Melania was ruined when she called her husband a “a damn bitch who gets into women’s business” to his face at Nancy’s charity benefit.

Speak softly ... and carry a sharp hatpin!

That scene in the back of the limo when Betty Ford screamed “YOU STOLE MY GODDAMNED HOUSE” at Rosalynn is ICONIC.

"You're [italic]both[/italic] white trash, quite frankly."

"They sent a [bold]FAMILY VAAAAAAAAAAN[/bold]!!!"

I'm the Cindy Barshop!

Old Lady Gang? There's a NEW gurl in town!

NOT WELL, BITCH

I am one of the many beloved veterans of stage, screen and TV who play first ladies in the TV mini-series "Back Stairs to the White House". We are all giggling about poor Cloris Leachman who is stuck playing a housekeeper that nobody likes. Even though she presented me with my Oscar, I can't help but giggle.

Eileen, dear, that's "Back Stairs AT the White House". We are not looking for the way Eleanor's mistresses got in!

"I can tell you when she will die and what will happen to her family. I love that about me."

Yeah, Mamie, I got with your man—what of it?

Bonnets WILL be snatched tonight!

Mooney kent buy yoo kless, mah frindz

R42 That looks like George in drag!

"Vot am I, chopped liver?" - Ivana trump: Novelist, Proud Mother, and One and Only Real Virst Letty 45.

Am Best!

R45 Martha's hair in R42 looks better than your rats nest!

"See? Am best!"

I em zee coorant Vairst Letty. I show poossee for late night TV. Is good, yes?

I repeat postings from uzzer people, but like green jecket say about cheeldrens in metal boxes: I no caring, is you?

Ivana in R47 looks like a giant blood clot.

I'm the Leeanne Locken!

"Behind every man in a drooling, semi-vegetative state due to a massive stroke is a power-drunk woman!"

I'm the main cast of Barbara, Nancy, Laura, Michelle and Melania. We are collectively outraged by these new bitches Martha, Edith and Hilary. Rumor has it Barbara and Nancy think Edith is "pernicious".

Also, you're still not getting a diamond heffer! r35

When I'm behind the wheel, get the HELL outta my way!

Barbara will insist on making duck stuffed with oatmeal.

I'm Rosalynn and Pat, thinking about writing a book about our time on the show - if only Pat could remember her name!

If yew cain't say somethin' nice ... GO PLANT A TREE!

I'm Bess Truman, and I fucked off to Independence before filming started. Andy Cohen can take my contract and stick it up his puckered poohole!

R58 wins my love

It's ironic that I typed in "Ugliest first lady of the U.S.", and there were three rows of pictures of Melania.

I'm the Tres Amigas! WOO-HOO!

I'm the PROSTI-TOOSHEN HOOOOORE!

THAT'S NOT MY DOILY, YOU FUCKING BITCH!

You're an insignificant arse hair.

"Who gon' check me, boo?"

Ah'm Miz Lillian, and Ah fell in the pool after a few too many nips of "nerve medicine."

I'm Marian Robinson, and Miz Lillian seems to be laboring under the assumption that I'm her home health aide.

I'm Martha Jefferson. I love my husband because he plays the violin. He's also very nice to our slaves.

Ahem...

I'm all of the first ladies giggling except Hillary about how the oval office was changed to the oral office during Bill's term.

:'(

I'm Melania, and everybody is sick of my shit. I'm fired and replaced by the certifiable Mary Todd, who makes Baba, Laura and Nancy look sane. Michelle and Hilary are keeping their distance.

Edith and Abigail stopped showing up to filming because it was desegregated.

I'm Ladybird Johnson and I always do it nice!

I'm the wag in production who typed a chyron for tonight's WWHL special guest reading "Monica Lewinsky, Oval Orifice."

I'm the Watch What Crappens parody featuring a soused Betty Ford trying to follow Lou Hoover's mangled sign language.

I'm the three strand pearl choker that was Barb's signature look. You could find copies of me in the "Barbara Bush Collection" by Kenneth Lane on QVC

Lemme tell youse about my fambly!

That frigid sow called me a SLUT PIG!

I’m Laura Bush, storming off the reunion set when Melania’s nudes are brought up.

You're such a fucking liar, Melania!

You don’t know if your baby daddy will be an ax murderer or a child molester. What you WILL know is that he needed $10 to get him a medium-size pizza, so he ejaculated in a cup so you could have a kid. Now check THAT!

I am a VERY. RICH. BITCH.

[bold]YOU ARE A DUMB HOE[/bold]

Yoo-hoo! Do you girls mind if I sit and dish a bit? I brought a bottle of Bailey's.

Close your legs to married men!

Don't be tardy for the party!

I’m Mrs Kennedy in a bind. Should the complimentary Air Force One cigarettes be Salems or Marlboros?

OH NO YOU DIDN'T!

Damn, Rosalynn Carter has some ugly kids

I’m the broken wineglass thrown by Nancy Reagan in Amsterdam at Betty Ford when Betty drunkenly snarled “let’s talk about the husband” at Nancy.

Pat Nixon fled through a side door after the fight , in tears.

I’m Melania’s Lyme Disease. It’s why she doesn’t do any work.

[bold]BYE WIG[/bold]

"Did you know? $25,000."

Be cool. Don't be all, like... uncool.

"I’m still here, and I’m still fabulous. Fabulous. Gone with the Wind fabulous."

"I'm up here, you're down there."

Geez, Mrs. Taft at R95 looks like a seriously depressed influencer taking a choker selfie.

I'm Frances Cleveland, and I'm making an appearance because I know that the DL resident Frances Cleveland troll would like to see me!

^ Honey, she STAYS doped up on paregoric.

I'm Mary Todd.

I'll blow your mind.

I'm the low-key scandal when it's learned that Jackie and Gianni Agnelli are spending a lot of time together in Italy. I'm also jaws dropping to the floor all over DC when she sends a military plane back to Washington to retrieve her diaphram!

Fuck you, Dolley Medeson!

I don kare if you risked your life seving that pikture of George Washing from the burnin Whit Hous

I'm teking that fuckin' pikture wit me when I leef this plece...

Even if I heff to walk out with it squezed betwin my butt chicks

You haf to make the millins to owe the millins.

I'm Billary Clinton. I was almost first lady.

Say vat u vant, Im still Cuntess

"Oh! You're Melania Trump! The morally corrupt Melania Trump! I saw your nude photos on the internet!"