Should therapists be talking about their children?

Therapists are usually nuts.

Therapists -- social service workers, psychologists, psyschiatrists -- usually choose that profession because they want to figure out why they themselves are so fucked up.

Why are you saying this to people on DL rather than to your therapist?

[quote] why don't you shape up like my kids.

Well, why don't you? Isn't that why you're seeing him?

Why do you ask that as if it a strange behavior r3?

Maybe you think that because you have such a negative self-concept.

R5, because it is strange behavior.

Talking to us resolves nothing. Talking to the therapist can.

If he makes you feel uncomfortable, you should switch therapists.

Or you could tell him straight out, "I feel like you compare me unfavorably to your own children. Could we please talk about that?"

My shrink said he always considers it a sign of progress when a patient speaks to him like he is a human being.

I know R8 is joking but there actually are people who would switch therapists because they feel uncomfortable without ever speaking to their therapist about the issue first.

I was being silly, r7, r3. Mainly because I don’t know if this thread was started in good faith or it was started for attention., but I was playing around.

But, let’s suppose it was started seriously, with the best intentions. I’m not entirely sure if asking Datalounge how to approach a situation in one’s life that is making him uncomfortable, before dealing with it in person, is a bad thing. If the OP can read through the silly responses (like mine) or dismissive ones (like yours) he may might gain some insight perspective he wouldn’t have had otherwise.

Tell him you're not paying to hear him talk about himself or his kids.

Sometimes a good counselor can talk about a 3rd party to help illustrate or reinforce something in ur life. I had one tell a funny story of a prior client...it helped me see that the disordered behavior of my ex was somewhat widespread (NPD.) however just talking like you are a friend about kids without a point..can u say ..I’m sorry what is the point of talking about ur kids?

R10, I know you were having fun.

But I have seen some folk who post the kind of thing OP did are actually in earnest, so I wanted to make sure the bases were covered.

I think I was using you as a prop to make my point. I am sorry for doing that.

I noticed it started when I said what college my brother was going to. He snapped that his son got in there but they couldn't afford it. I said I felt bad for the kid but ever since then (maybe I just started to notice it more) it is like he has an insecurity that he didn't provide enough for his kid to go to the college of his choice and is either consciously or unconsciously trying to prove how great his kids are anyway. It is like he is jealous of my parent's money.

r14 was me op

It is entirely unprofessional for a psychotherapist to discuss themselves or any aspect of their lives.

"I'm sure that's very gratifying, but we are not here to discuss your children."

I don't care for anyone talking about their children, let alone some asshole I am forking over an obscene amount of money per session to focus on me.

OP (R14 and R15), please take R8's advice.

^and I meant the second part of R8!

I was in and out of talk therapy and took antidepressants for over 25 years. Nothing helped until my GP prescribed bupropion (brand names Wellbutrin and Zyban ) to help me stop smoking, It turned my life around in six weeks.

At any rate, for awhile I saw a shrink in the West Village. Gave up on him because I quickly realized he was much more fucked up than I was (they all were) . He had a WV townhouse with his office on the first floor and he lived in the floors above.

Years later, I had a brief career as web site designer. One of my clients, who was very weird but a lot of fun and very smart, described to me how he had once been kept by a WV shrink who paid him to live upstairs while the doctor would practice on the first floor. The doctor would come upstairs and have my web client shit in his mouth between patients.

The rest of the story is what you think. I haven't seen a shrink in years but am still on Bupropion. the only antidepressant I ever took that was ever effective for more than a few months.

I am highly aware that my story may not help or apply to others.

An occasional anecdote from a therapist is fine, but they should not go into any level of detail about their personal lives. The session is about you, and you’re paying them to provide a professional service. In my experience, therapists who do tend to do this have poor boundaries and questionable judgement.

Say, “Didn’t someone say your kids are on crack?” Then refuse to elaborate.

Be like Penelope from SNL and go out of your way to outdo him. If for example, he brings up that his son is a great soccer player, say something like " I actually have a son that I didn't tell you about and he won the Olympics for soccer, so....".

Um, OP's parents are paying for his therapy, so it's unlikely he has children of his own, R23.

I once had a difficult relationship with a "therapist" but I finally confessed to him that I had a a fetish/paraphilia I was ashamed of. I was seated on a chair in his office and he was seated on a coach with a number of pillows. He grabbed a pillow and placed it over his crotch. He asked for me details and the more I gave him, the tighter he grabbed the pillow and buried it into his crotch.

We were both gay. Didn't have many more sessions.

I knew a guy who had couples counseling with a Harvard trained shrink and during session the shrink started chewing on his collar!

During the renaissance and age of enlightenment it was considered anti-intellectual to ever speak about ones children if there was a non-familial man present in the room.

Heard that in a Christopher Durang play once.

Psychotherapy is littered with charlatans, damaged, and incompetent practitioners. The only way to avoid one is to be very discerning at the start; find someone with the right qualifications and favourable reviews and references. Second, you have to go in with a definite goal and time frame and ask the therapist to agree to these and commit to them. If they refuse to do this and still accept you as a client, know that you may not get anywhere and will have wasted time and money. Third, keep a close eye on how things are progressing. If things are going off-track, or if the therapist behaves inappropriately in any way, cut your losses and leave. Know that if you stay, you will be throwing good money after bad.

It's a lot like hiring a building contractor or any other tradesperson. But you have to take some responsibility for what they do.

Is OP seeking help for paranoid schizophrenia? That's what I would diagnose her.

^ come again? Huh? WTAF?

There are some amazing therapists out there. I've had one. I suspected he had a screw loose himself, but that's fine -- you can be nutty and be a great therapist! Don't settle if the therapist isn't doing it for you.

Again, one assumes you go to therapy to deal with life situations in a mature, direct way.

So why not do so?

Why not say exactly what you said in R14? It seems pretty reasonable.

Hanging on to the resentment or annoyance seems to have no purpose other than preserving your relationship with your therapist exactly as it is now. But as it is now has resentment, so why preserve it? Why not move forward?

Good advice r32. I tried but he said if you want me you can. Then I said I didn't hate him because he made me feel guilty.

I've had this problem with him before. He never really admits he did or said something wrong.

It's harder too now since I only have phone sessions with him due to covid.

I think if I was face to face he'd have seen my discomfort.

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I guess I'll have to confront him about this.

[quote]^ come again? Huh? WTAF?

Paranoid schizos al ways see things that are not there, like snide remarks. Maybe they are just remarks to chitchat. Did your parents often engage you in some forms of double-bind/passive-aggressive communication, OP? Why do you have to talk to therapist in the first place?

You need to dump him, OP! He's gaslighting you. And write an online review describing your experience on a site like this - ratemytherapist.net .

{quote]I tried but he said if you want me you can.

that should read

if you want to hate me you can.

You need to dump him, OP. If he never admits he's one anything wrong, even when you confront him with specifics, he's gaslighting you. And write a review on a site like Rate My Therapist

Sorry, double post.

R33, I think you need to find a different therapist. Either he's being passive aggressive, or you're reading too much into what he said. Either way, you don't trust him.

I just started therapy last month. Because of the pandemic, a lot of people are turning to therapists to deal with stress, so it was hard to find one who's accepting new patients. I called a therapy center that had several therapists on staff, and the only ones available for new patients were recent graduates who were working under the supervision of a senior therapist. Not wanting to discriminate because of age, I went ahead and signed up. At first I thought it was weird talking about my issues and insecurities with someone so young, but it's working out well. The younger generation is (generally) more open-minded about sexual orientation. They're also excited to start their careers and make a difference. (i.e. they're not jaded or burnt out.)

R33, "If you want to you can"---what? I think part of the sentence is missing.

He does sound like he lacks either maturity or ethical standards if he cannot apologize.

Maybe you have outgrown him.

oh he said "if you want to hate me you can"

R41, has he done you any good? That sounds like incompetence. For him to say that makes it about your relationship to him rather than how you deal with relationships in general. If my therapist said that to me, I would have said, "Please do not dismiss me. You are shutting down the discussion with those words and that is not useful to do in therapy."

I might also question his values as a person if he considers that an appropriate way to talk to anyone.

[quote]You are shutting down the discussion with those words and that is not useful to do in therapy."

That's really good r42. Thanks I'm going to try that.

The therapist was really good and helped me when I was facing a possible health crisis. Since that has ended and I've been having career issues I feel he's been less helpful.

"You can hate me if you want"?? Did I really just read that? Why would anyone want to continue a r'ship of any kind with someone they hate? And PAY for it?