40 and never had a boyfriend - anyone else?

I didn't for many years, then I finally got married one week before turning 60. So don't give up.

Will Steve Carrell play you in a movie, too?

I'm a 47 year old gay male virgin. Never done anything with anyone. A combination of body shame issues, self loathing and social anxiety.

R3 - This is the OP. You should consider hiring a prostitute. In all truth, it might help you as its a safe, non judgmental environment.

You’re officially damaged goods.

Have you had a girlfriend, when you were a teen, for example? Have you gone on dates with either sex?

I was a bit of a late bloomer. My 20s were a disaster and I didn’t hit my stride until my 30s. I had intimacy issues as well and saw a therapist and conquered some demons. Therapy is important. I happen to have a friend in a near identical boat as you, OP. There’s no reason he should not have a serious relationship under his belt at this point but everyone has their own journey. I know in my heart he will eventually find love. And I’m sure the same for you. The cliche is true- every jar has a lid. Don’t give up on love- you deserve some. Hang in there!

Yet you are still alive and healthy and probably wealthy. You don't have to have a kitchen in your house anymore as people can eat out these days, if you get the gist of this saying.

Hi OP. I'm 54. My longest relationship was 14 months. I've never really been big on dating and have dated here and there (in total, probably 3 guys; and nothing more than 2 months at a time). To be perfectly honest, I feel much happier when I'm single (have been for over 8 years at this point and a majority of my life). If you have friends who fulfill a social need and "others" who fulfill intimacy needs, you're fine!

I'm still surprised at the amount of men, 40+, who lament that they don't have a boyfriend and feel that there's something missing from their lives...absolutely no judgment! To each his own.

Also, your advice at R4 is spot on. We need to stop being so skittish about hiring a sex worker to take care of certain needs. In many ways it's so much easier than trying to navigate through the inevitable interrogations that you tend to get over the hookup apps etc. Also, it is the world's oldest profession for a reason.

[quote]Yes, I'm probably ugly. Yes, I should kill myself. Yes, I'm a terrible person. Yes, I'm weird.

Since I don't know you at all, the only thing I can comment on is that you're definitely NOT weird. Don't be too hard on yourself. If love is meant to happen, it will. Until then enjoy your friends, and more importantly, enjoy your own company!

You bitches know that I'm a virgin :P

I think you should hire a ripped, tremendously strong Muslim prostitute who'll pick you up and then brutally - but also tenderly - fucks you relentlessly, while destroying your prostate! Does that appeal to you?

Depends on who you ask, I had one guy, we would have sex more than anything else but we sometimes also did other things like go out to eat, shop together just hang out, over a two year period, we even considered moving in together until he got cold feet backed out at the last minute. I considered him my boyfriend and it a relationship we agreed to be exclusive, he claims that he never considered it a relationship, I was just a fuck bud. Now it is 18 years later he is my best friend and out and in a relationship, he wasn't when we were seeing each other. I was desperately in love with him, now realize it was for the best that it didn't work out.

Other than that I have always been single, I've been off and on whether I even wanted a boyfriend, now I am glad I am single 69 and very happy.

I don't understand why people prioritise work over relationships - could you unpack that a little and explain your reasons for doing so? Don't mean to sound too judgemental as I acknowledge that a lot of people are way more career oriented than I am, but I always struggle to understand why people put their work above personal relationships, unless you do something that is so fulfilling, so joyful and makes you happier than anything else in life.

It's probably quite unusual to have never had a relationship by your age but I'm sure you're not the only one. The problem is though, it could very well be a red flag for anyone who might be open to dating you - if I met someone who had never been in a relationship, I would be questioning "why not, what's wrong with him, is he a psycho?" etc etc. It also may mean that you are extremely set in your ways and would refuse to ever compromise for anyone.

Not saying any of that is the case and I don't mean to sound harsh, just being honest on how that could come across - so you need to be ready for that and have some good counter arguments if you are now deciding to get involved in the dating scene.

R12 - I am the OP and can answer your question about work. It's a few reasons: 1) Financial security is incredibly important to me; 2) I actually enjoy working; 3) It's a safe and easy way to socialize without having to get "too close" - I, personally, am someone that is very insular. Work allows me to get regular social interaction but not in an incredibly taxing way.

It's very easy for gay guys to have casual sex. Therefore:

- unlike straight couples they don't need to stay in unsatisfying relationships to get laid - there's always the possibility of someone better coming along, making it more tempting to just drift along to the next guy.

These two things together mean that on average gay guys spend much less time in relationships than straight guys, IMO. It's not just you OP. But if you really want that relationship time to start changing things up, I guess. It can be done.

I forget, did you say you want a boyfriend, want to look for one, are looking for one? Or don't want one? Or are you just posting to discover if anyone else hasn't had a boyfriend by 40? I would like more info on what you want. If you're happy as you are, or if you aren't.

@OP Just pick me!!

R10. Why a “Muslim prostitution”? I swear, you Germans never change.

R17 Cause they are hot :P What do you mean with your sentence?

I'd love to date UKGuy, but he probably thinks I'm a psycho :P

Hi OP.

I was 39 before I met the man that I am now partnered with. For most of my younger (<30) years I wasn't really interested in an LTR but I did want one as I got older.

I think R15 has a really good question to think about. Do you want a relationship because you're ready to share your life with someone? Or do you want one because you are comparing yourself with others? You need to think about that.

I became frustrated about a year or two before meeting my partner, because I was going on dates or trying to find guys where I could even start with what I'd call lower case dating....not serious Dating! - but even simple getting to know each other dating seemed very weird and complicated. The guys were always promiscuous, or married/partnered. OR the opposite was true and they wanted to move in 30 minutes after meeting.

I decided around that time that it might be a possibility that I'd be solo for a while to come, so I made some changes. I stopped playing around with guys if they identified as married or partnered - because I didn't want the chance of becoming emotionally attached to someone unavailable. I started making small changes in my life to enrich my life - classes, explorations, etc.

I don't want to say that you have to make yourself perfect for another person - we don't, and we're all messy and have baggage in some ways. But sitting in one's basement clutching the hem of our dresses in fear isn't going to land anyone a partner, and that was true for me. I had to be more open to that possibility, and when I was, it happened.

[quote] Yes, I'm probably ugly. Yes, I should kill myself. Yes, I'm a terrible person. Yes, I'm weird.

Hopefully, that's a joke. But if you believe any of that, you're getting in your own way.

Best of luck, OP.

Eh,, many people your age and younger haven’t either, or so so I’ve heard.

You have social media and now, hashtags are the new housewife.

Unless you want children, here’s a suggestion: pursue really great friendships and kosher sex “no strings” sex partners, and meet someone after 50.

You’ll be a real grown up by then, and your chances of being a better partner to any guy lucky enough to date you.

Honestly. The “coupling as a way of happiness in our youth is just a huge waste of time. It’s better when you’re older. You’re not willing to play games. You’re finally happy with yourself, and will actually appreciate a partner who is like you in these regards, as well.

Also? Forget the young ass myth. It’s stupid. You had your time and fucked young ass. When you’re old, pay for the young and settle down with the old (your age group- haha!)

You’re gonna keep growing up and will hopefully be evolved and emotionally mature enough to eventually just want the latter more than the former.

Trust me on this.

PERHAPS OFF TOPIC, BUT i'm a 50 year old virgin (no sex with men or women, although i have made out with women in the past) and the reasons why are the usual (body issues, being turned down and insulted too many times in the past, insecurity and so on and so on) so here is my question: what would you do with a friend who always challenges you and tries to analyze thee reasons why you don't have sex especially with men?

my "friend" can't understand why i can go on and on talking about hot men, loving gay porn, and so on, but yet have never made the jump from talking about and masturbating to men to actually having sex with them... he says he's "worried" about me and questions me because he's doing it because he's my friend and cares about me.. he just pushes, pushes and pushes...i try to tell this person, there's a difference between actually having and wanting to have sex with men than just finding them hot and getting off on them (alone of course).. perhaps i'm not gay? or i'm bisexual? or what i don't know.. he wants to know the why of what is stopping me, because it doesn't make sense to him....

by the way we are ONLY email and phone friends for the past few years we haven't even met in person!...

this "friend" brings this up occassionally but frankly i feel it's invasive, controlling, none of his business, it is what it is and it's not his place to wonder the WHY'S of it all! i mean he's not my boyfriend, my husband, a therapist, etc..

he seems more concerned about all of this, than me!... i don't know, is it me in the wrong or him? is this helping a friend because he cares and is worried about me territory and truth OR is it more something is going on with HIM and HE's the problem? i mean i never inquire and push, push, push him about the WHY he doesn't do something sexual or otherwise!...

WHAT TO DO?....

R21 if you don't want anyone calling you out on your bad choices, then cut that friend out of your life and wallow in your unhealthy pursuits all alone!

r15 raises a good point. You never mentioned whether or not you actually want to have a significant other or if you're saying you've never had a boyfriend in the same way you might say you've never been to Disney World.

R21.... 1) my choices are bad? if they are, well, they ARE my choices aren't they? why do YOU not have sex with women? perhaps it's not a perfect analogy, but whatever those reasons are, they are perhaps similar to the reasons why I don't have and perhaps will or perhaps never will have sex with men.... 2) and what are my unhealthy pursuits again?

[quote]You’re officially damaged goods.

The line is: Girls! Girls! You’re officially damaged goods.

I’m 39 and never had a relationship. I’m overall attractive, I’m 6’4”, lift weights, do P90X, I’ve been getting botox and fillers since 30. I just finished law school and passed the bar exam.

I’ve had some hookups, but have never had anal sex. I’ve never came from a blow job. I don’t find gay sex very exciting.

Plus, I’m just on a different wavelength than most people. Overall, just no chemistry.

This thread explains this site so well.

I'm in my 30s, I have dated guys but its never really become a serious relationship.

Truthfully though I don't think I want that.

Mid-40s gay guy here, briefly dated a few people over the years. Was "the other woman" with one guy off and on for a year or so, and for the past few years I've had a person who comes to town a few times a year and stays here and we play house, but he lives across the country and dates other people and I intend to but never follow through. He's a great guy but we'll never be more than we are. Got a dog 11 years ago which has been easily my most successful relationship - he's not going to be around forever and I'll be crushed but it's also part of the deal I agreed to. I'm at the point where I'm so used to living at my own rhythm that I'd almost be more miserable with someone than without, unless we were miraculously compatible. I regret not having more sex when I was younger, except I was awkward and bad at it and way less attractive and in shape than I am now so I probably didn't miss very much.

41yo here and never had a boyfriend. I've dated guys for a couple of weeks but then things usually fizzle out. I've been on every app and dating site, gone to speed dating, meetup groups, volunteering with various gay organizations, and been to more bars with the hopes of "meeting someone" (maybe tonight will be my night!), and nada.

I think I have grown to prefer being alone. Quarantine had been great and I am really happy no one else is in my apartment.

R26 - are you asexual?

Fillers and Botox at 30? Terrifying.

🚩 🚩 🚩

[quote]I’m 39 and never had a relationship. I’m overall attractive, I’m 6’4”, lift weights, do P90X. I’ve been getting botox and fillers since 30.

R26 Curious why you were spending your money on botox and fillers at 30. What is all the image-consciousness for?

R34 By 30 he means 45.

Intimacy issues - I suggest therapy. Seriously.

[quote] I don't understand why people prioritise work over relationships ... unless you do something that is so fulfilling, so joyful and makes you happier than anything else in life.

R12, I've always prioritized work because I've always prioritized financial independence. Work = income. I want my "standard of living" (sorry, can't find another way to say this) to be something that I can afford, not something I can afford if someone else chips in.

I've seen good friends / family members go through breakups and the financial shambles was something I never wanted to experience.

40?

You'll find someone at Shady Pines, I just know it!

Agree r37.

Being financially stable is everything. Nothing is more stressful than struggling to make ends meet. But I grew up in household where I saw that first hand and had to work to make sure that wasn't me.

Married gay male here, in my 40s. I wouldn’t have it any other way. That being said, fellow gays who are single, don’t pine after relationships. Please. I’m warning you. Financial fitness is the key to happiness. Pairing up with someone could double your difficulties in life. Just our own are enough.

I'm the OP and apologies for not clarifying my desire for a relationship. I'm honestly not sure. I wanted to do a temperature check if my lack-of-relationship was something that was an outlier. In my own, personal life I've not encountered anyone in this position, gay or straight.

They say, "You're a little much for me You're a liability You're a little much for me" So they pull back, make other plans I understand, I'm a liability Get you wild, make you leave I'm a little much for E-a-na-na-na, everyone They're gonna watch me Disappear into the sun You're all gonna watch me Disappear into the sun

R21, I think you friend may sincerely be worried. Since you talk about men and enjoy the idea of sex, it is reasonable for someone to wonder why you do not take the next step, since it sounds as if it would give you pleasure.

I think it is reasonable for you to tell him to back off as well.

But it sounds as if he genuinely cares about your happiness and well-being. For some people his pushing this topic would feel like support. For you it does not. The good thing is it sounds as if you are able to set a boundary when you need to.

[quote]I’ve been getting botox and fillers since 30.

Someone has esteem issues.

[quote]Being financially stable is everything. Nothing is more stressful than struggling to make ends meet. But I grew up in household where I saw that first hand and had to work to make sure that wasn't me.

Really? It's everything? Loneliness and feeling emotionally cut off can be a mite stressful too. Let's not argue which is more stressful, but money surely isn't everything.

I wonder if people who Botox do it to keep us all at a distance. The still face is offputting and it never feels like you really know those people. I have often wondered if that is the desired effect.

There's a difference between "money" and being "financially stable." People aren't saying that money is everything. Just explaining why a person would devote a lot of energy towards income.

If I were both lonely and broke (verge of eviction), I'd probably prioritize stopping the eviction, i.e., work on my money situation. I can make friends later.

"And for the trolls who choose to engage with something negative rather than just ignore something they can't contribute to: Yes, I'm probably ugly. Yes, I should kill myself. Yes, I'm a terrible person. Yes, I'm weird."

well, OP, you may not be dating material - but you're honest - and that's more than MOST of these bitches on DL can say!

R43... thank you for your thoughtful response...

i don't know, sometimes i wonder if he wants me to be his lover... or at least his hanging out jack off buddy (p.s. he's bisexual and married to a woman, who i would think knows this and is okay with it, he also hires escorts)

he thinks it's a lie and a cop out for anyone to say they are happy alone or don't want sex because we are humans social creatures...

i must say i even now wonder about my sexuality in that while i stated i get off on looking at hot men and faces and bodies and gay porn (but also straight porn) and i also enjoy women,also that in the past when i have seen IN PERSON 2 men making out it kind of freaks and grosses me out? what does that all mean in regards to my sexuality?...

R47 Nah. Not why they would devote "a lot" of energy towards it. More like: focused so much energy on it that in 40 years they haven't been able to have one relationship. That's not balanced. That's obsessive.

OP you'll meet the right guy. And if not, you'll come up with something.

I've barely had one. A few months. A lot of bag and in particular I fell for the bullshit I wasn't hot enough. I chalk some of that up to here, to be honest. My lack of self esteem and the way some of you people carry on about weight. So feel good about yourselves. You're really nice.

Still haven't given up though.

OP, being weird or a terrible person isn't a reason to kill yourself.

Now, ugly...

OP, come to Montreal once the pandemic is more under control and I will fuck your ass hard, for free, as long as I can upload it to Pornhub.

Many, many menz.

I'm almost 40 and started having sex with guys when I was 18. Even though I'm considered good-looking and successful, I've only been in one relationship that lasted over six months. We were together for a year before breaking up, and that was 11 years ago!

I feel like the average teenager is more experienced in sex and love than I am.

R49, if you have been on DL for any length of time, it is clear that most people have trouble imagining other people being happy in a situation that would not make them happy.

That said, it sound like you have as many questions about your sexuality as your friend does. If you get bothered by them, it might be worth investing in a therapy with a clinical psychologist to explore these questions. If they do not bother you, it can be just something to think about and occasionally bat around with your biased friend. Just take his thoughts with a grain of salt.

Gay men are so fucking broken.